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zenLara

✦ Adamantium Legend ✦ ... not another cyborg story...

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20 hours ago, Endor said:

Maybe pick 3 things you have to do and 3 things you want to do. Once you do the have to for that week you can do the want to.

Looks smart and neat. Thank you for the idea!

 

15 hours ago, Ensi said:

As you said, it's not a healthy mindset,

15 hours ago, Ensi said:

you don't have to be active just for the sake of it

 

Yeah, I know. When I start on this type of thoughts, it's time to sit down again and think why I am doing what I'm doing. Lately I've been back to one of my old lines of thought,"no matter how much effort I put, I don't get stronger or fitter", and this always drives to burnouts and frustration. So I may try Endor's idea, which seems excellent, and see where it drives.

 

Also, the fact that I feel like this about getting back on track, is probably the best indicator that my unchallenge was very needed, and that I might need another one...

 

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On 8/6/2019 at 2:18 AM, zenLara said:

I've been watching -and practicing- the basic stuff vids from a youtube channel and I've noticed a lot of improvement.

Any recommendation? 

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2 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Any recommendation? 

I've been following Alphonso Dunn channel. He has tons of videos, but I started on his "drawing fundamentals" playlist (39 vids!). I specially liked the ones on creating textures, the one on "rhythm lines", which seriously improved my cats, and the 5 stages of a drawing has been very useful too. It has taken me a long month to go through 15 vids of that list, but I have stopped and tried all the exercises, both with the drawings he uses as examples and with other things I'd like to draw. It's about the very basics of drawing (I think the first video is on vertical and horizontal lines and the such), and you probably know most of it, so you might want to take a look to other more advanced topics he discusses, although I found them totally worth it.

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It would be nice to see one of your drawings if you feel like it. No pressure tho :)

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

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On 8/7/2019 at 11:53 PM, zenLara said:

Lately I've been back to one of my old lines of thought,"no matter how much effort I put, I don't get stronger or fitter", and this always drives to burnouts and frustration

Does it really even matter if you're having fun? Why the rush for results?

I really like @Endor's ideas about prioritising (though I'm with you IT'S SO HARD to do!) but I also want to add another reminder that you don't have to do everything every day! Even the things on the "must" list. And nothing terrible will happen if you decide to do the things on the "want" list say once a week, or when you feel like it.

 

I'd love to see your drawings too!

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Finally moved to spend part of the month to my in-laws, where we are enjoying the pool, and the garden, and having to use a sheet to cover at nights :)

Have decided to retake my morning routine (WH, meditation, breakfast, reading), which is something that has been established for years now and doesn't require any willpower effort, and make a short list of thing I want to / need to do at least a few days a week.

On the NEED TO list are: mobility exercises, music practice and yoga. On the WANT TO list are: reading, icelandic, drawing, and if weather allows it, spending time outside. I'll keep attending my 2 gym hours like every week, but I'm ditching running and pikes until we get back home and/or weather improves. Everyday, I'll pick one or two activities from the need to list, and then choose as many as I feel like from the want to list.

 

16 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Does it really even matter if you're having fun? Why the rush for results?

You're so right :)Most of the time, my main goal is to enjoy what I do and have fun with it, but then I enter these gloomy periods when my brain tells me I'm not "making progress" and I believe it, silly me. If I really wanted to "make progress" I should base my goals on that and design workout plans and schedules and all of that, but since I don't do it because "progress" is not in my agenda right now, why am I even listening to these thoughts?

 

Strange news is that it rained this morning, which made the day a bit cooler (at least for a couple of hours) so I went out to explore the surroundings and took some pictures.

I followed and old railroad track that lead me to the pond

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And then I decided to explore a bit the left side of the road

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On 8/8/2019 at 2:14 PM, Endor said:

It would be nice to see one of your drawings if you feel like it. No pressure tho :)

 

16 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

d love to see your drawings too! 

Well, it's a bit embarrassing but ok.

 

These are my cats before and after the "rhythm lines" video

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And this is what I'm practicing now: textures and how to apply them to basic forms and also to trees

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Your texture drawings look good. Thanks for sharing them. I have zero talent for drawing. I'm always impressed by your creative side, you seem to have a knack for picking up new skills.

 

Lovely photos, great little adventure. Did you have your WH glasses on when you saw that pond?! That would be brave! Your 3rd photo made me think of wile coyote and roadrunner, i could imagine him pushing the rock off the top!

 

Good to see you prioritising and even better learning about yourself in the process.

 

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

 

 

 

 

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Nothing to be embarrassed about! The textures look really interesting and it's nice progress on the cat! Trees look great too.

 

The nature looks lovely, glad you're having a good time!

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Dropping in after a good few months absent and I've no idea what you've been up to (need to backtrack in your thread!) but your drawings are great and your adventure looks super fun! Hope you are well :) 

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Thank you for your comments on the drawings, they're encouraging! :) Maybe I'll upload some more, once the texture stage is over and I'm doing something more interesting from the viewer side.

 

On 8/11/2019 at 8:30 PM, Endor said:

Did you have your WH glasses on when you saw that pond?! That would be brave!

Unfortunately, it would require way more bravery than imagined, because as beautiful as it looks in the picture, the place stank. I would not put a feet in it, ugh.

 

On 8/11/2019 at 8:30 PM, Endor said:

Your 3rd photo made me think of wile coyote and roadrunner, i could imagine him pushing the rock off the top!

It made me think of that too. It's exactly that kind of place.

 

Nice to see you around, Owlet! Any plans?

 

Things are going more or less well. My mind is acting out, throwing the most stupid thoughts at me, but I'm slowly getting into being more active. Been outside a couple of days, have retaken my practice in short sessions, I've been sketching thumbnails on one of the trees in the garden, and I've finished the third chapter of Nornirnar. The second one was very descriptive, which made it very difficult with so many adjectives and adverbs. Now I'm re-reading, before I go into the fourth. This afternoon is gym time, so I'll get a good workout plus one hour of mobility.

Yoga is still not happening. Tried to do some in the garden one afternoon, I had this idea that it would be idyllic, but some neighbours were having an awful, awful conversation about politics (one of them was an extreme right wing Franco partisan and he was obnoxious) and I was unable to focus.

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I had to face several of my negative beliefs yesterday. On monday the gym owner announced an adventure weekend in the mountains, with animal flow and yoga and daytime and nighttime movnat. On one side it sounded thrilling and interesting, but on the other my brain assured me it would be a waste of my money since I'm not physically nor mentally prepared for such a thing, that I could not follow the pace, and that I would not have fun since I would be completely burnt after a few hours. It made me think of how much of my limitations, even physical, are due to these negative beliefs I have about myself. In fact, I went to the gym in such a depressed distrust on myself that I was anxious before the class began.

Unfortunately, I can't prove myself whether I am or not prepared for such a weekend adventure, since only 24 hours after the announcement there are no more places left for the weekend. But still, my brain got what it deserved, a nice slap in its face, when during the class we had to work in pairs, and since there was no one of my weight, I had to work with a woman that outweighs me by 20 kilos. And nevertheless, I carried her on piggyback and did 3 sets of 10 squats while carrying her. Take that, stupid brain.

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1 hour ago, zenLara said:

I had to work with a woman that outweighs me by 20 kilos. And nevertheless, I carried her on piggyback and did 3 sets of 10 squats while carrying her. Take that, stupid brain.

Nice!!

 

23 hours ago, zenLara said:

Thank you for your comments on the drawings, they're encouraging! :) Maybe I'll upload some more, once the texture stage is over and I'm doing something more interesting from the viewer side.

I find it all interesting. :) 

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9 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I find it all interesting. :) 

Thanks <3

 

Day was extremely frustrating. One of the pipes of the garden's watering broke and we spent hours -literally- trying to fix it without success. We had to make quite a few trips to the diy store in this f*** heat, to get no results. Then I had to drive my boyfriend to our city for a class (he's got a cast from a wrist surgery), and when we finally hit home, I got scratched by a street cat that lives around the house. Hoping she didn't pass me on any shit. Got nothing useful done regarding my goals.

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1 hour ago, zenLara said:

One of the pipes of the garden's watering broke

I thought you rented? Doesn't the owner have responsibility for this?

 

Sounds like a crappy day, they come around every now and then but it was kind of you to drive your BF to the City I'm sure he appreciated it. 

 

It's freeeeezing over here so it's strange to read about the heat for you! 

 

Sorry to hear about the scratch but maybe we'll see Wolverine transform into an alter ego! 

 

giphy.gif

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10 hours ago, Endor said:

I thought you rented? Doesn't the owner have responsibility for this?

Nope, we're staying at my boyfriend's parents' place, while they're up north for their holidays. It is way better here than in our flat, since the house has thick walls and stays at 22-24C the whole day without the need of a cooling system.

 

10 hours ago, Endor said:

Sorry to hear about the scratch but maybe we'll see Wolverine transform into an alter ego! 

Maybe it was a radioactive cat and now I'll get superpowers....

To be honest, it would be nice if I could get back to feel like a Wolverine again, but he doesn't seem to be expected soon.

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The week went quite well, compared to the previous one. I seem to be back to yoga and mobility, even if slowly, and I'm also back to practice. I've done quite a bit of icelandic reading and listening, and some drawing, but no outside time aside the garden since the weather keeps on being stubbornly hot.

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End of summer update.

 

I have been reluctant to come back here. It's been a depressing period, and sincerely, I think I've done enough of coming here and moaning about my life. I feel that the last year and a half I have done nothing but to stumble on the very same things. I've narrowed my troubles to a self-criticism/low self-esteem stem from which everything spreads, and I thought that having understood that would be helpful. I guess it has been, but not enough to produce change in a clear way.

 

I'd like to declutter my house. Like, seriously decluttering. I have this need of taking all of my stuff and throwing everything away. Maybe I'll just start with books and clothes.

 

At some point, end august, I was feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. It went really up. I started to think about aaaaall the things that cause me to worry, and how much I'd like to be able not to do so. I don't know how to do that. I thought of the new year, the lessons starting, the daily struggles with teachers and students, the organization problems, the cold and the darkness of the upcoming winter, the fact that I have no friends, and it might seem weird but I thought that it would be better to die than to keep facing life from such an anxious state. I'm tired. I've spent my whole life struggling with anxiety, and at times like this it seems like no progress has been done. It's not true, I know that. I think that I just might have let some good habits against it drag, and my brain has decided to retake the old ones.

 

Then it was my brother's visit. WITH his girlfriend. It's official: I. Can't. Stand. Her. Last year we suspected münchausen, this year I think she's just screwing with us. She has created this façade of sick person everybody believes in, and she uses it to manipulate everybody into doing what she wants. We are all just fools playing her game, and I don't want it anymore. Also, is there a polite way to say to an adult that she smells (she and the whole room she is in) and that she should take a shower because it is gross to be around her? (Note: my brother has lost the sense of smell. I'm not joking, I checked).

 

Driving in the city is a success now. I'm driving every week to the gym instead of taking the train and that makes gym hours less time consuming.

 

Trainer said he wants us to be able to do at least one pull-up by the end of the year. I keep thinking I will not achieve it. We tried assisted pull-ups once, with one of the trainers holding our legs so we were considerably lighter, and the feeling of going up the bar was amazing, but I still think I won't be able to achieve it by myself. Woke up this morning missing fight training, and also thinking I hated so much to be hit and how much it scared me. But it was so cool to punch things...

 

Trying to understand how much I deceive myself about my internal/external motivation to do things. Talked a lot to boyfriend, who is in the same page right now. I think most of my troubles with performance are due to me being completely focused on what other people will think about me and my playing, and that's not a way to success. Stopped music practice altogether again. My pianist is finally staying with us for this year, although we haven't talked yet about retaking our work.

 

The only time of the week when I'm really focused, fully mindful, completely enjoying myself, and away from all of my troubles (real or imagined), is the time I spend at the gym. Because it's so damn tough it requires for my whole being to be there. I'll probably invest some more time and money and sign up for 3 hours a week instead of 2.

 

Friday, a girl that abandoned her musical studies asked for readmission, and the principal told me that he understood that she would want to come back since there is only one subject left for her to get her diploma, but at the same time he's appalled at the idea that someone so disastrous as a musician will end having the diploma. Now, what did I do? Excusatio non petita, accusatio manifesta: I started to explain how had she got to the top courses in my subject, like if it were my fault that she arrived there. It took me 3 days to realise not only that I was justifying myself for no reason and letting the principal think I was feeling guilty about the grades I had given her in the past years, but also to understand that the correct answer would have been: that's what happens when teachers decide to give a pass just to get rid of some student (a thing which I did not do, unlike others, including himself). How do I stop acting like this?

 

I want to stop being so solicitous and servicial. It's not that I try to be nice, is that I am too nice, and it gets in the way of things I want or how I'm perceived by others. It makes people think they can take advantage of me, and some do it.

 

Icelandic is slowly improving, I'm starting to feel quite satisfied with the progress perceived related to the effort invested. I stopped sketching since my brother's visit. I've barely done no yoga, definitely didn't run. But spent quite some time outdoors, walking, I have a nice what I call chess board tan.

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17 hours ago, zenLara said:

the fact that I have no friends

Pretty sure we are friends (even if we haven't met in person yet) 

 

It sounds like you have been having some serious struggles with self confidence but having followed your for the past few years all of that negativity is absolutely incorrect.   You are amazing and talented and if you can't convince your brain to accept that,  you are just going to have to take our word for it. 

 

I will say this again,  you are smart,  funny, talented and I am happy to count you as a friend.   The forums here are better for having you here.  :)

 

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I agree with everything that WhiteGhost says. You are a great person, and I'm glad that you're here. You are one of the people who have really grown over the years, and it's encouraging to read about your progress. On that note, I think you can totally nail that pull up in the next four months ;).

 

I'm sorry to hear that life is hard for you at the moment. I don't know if you have access to something like an assertiveness course, or if your therapist has tools for you to lead a more positive life. You are a good person; you deserve a good life.

 

As for the brother's girlfriend, you could just tell your brother that you'd appreciate it if his girlfriend showers next time before she comes over. 

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On 9/10/2019 at 5:56 AM, WhiteGhost said:

Pretty sure we are friends (even if we haven't met in person yet) 

It's not that I don't appreciate the relationships we build here, sorry :) When I said I have no friends I was thinking about day to day life, the fact that I have no one I can call to have a drink or chat or go out or visit some place, aside from my boyfriend. Maybe it's just related to how difficult it becomes to make friends as you get older.

 

On 9/10/2019 at 5:56 AM, WhiteGhost said:

It sounds like you have been having some serious struggles with self confidence but having followed your for the past few years all of that negativity is absolutely incorrect.   You are amazing and talented and if you can't convince your brain to accept that,  you are just going to have to take our word for it. 

 

On 9/10/2019 at 10:13 AM, Waanie said:

I agree with everything that WhiteGhost says. You are a great person, and I'm glad that you're here. You are one of the people who have really grown over the years, and it's encouraging to read about your progress. On that note, I think you can totally nail that pull up in the next four months ;).

Thank you for your words. I might be getting better at this, when I read these comments I didn't feel uncomfortable (or not as much as in other occasions), and I'm able to admit them as true. Or partially true, because of course my brain says "they have never met you, you don't know what they would think of the real you" and all that. But yes, I think it's getting easier to accept I also have some good qualities in the middle of this pool of anxiety.

 

That said, I'm feeling better. Less negative. Trying to find my motives to do things, linking them to myself and my purposes. For example, I've found that I really want, for myself and not for any others, to be able to play the Taktakishvili sonata really well, and make justice to the beauty of the music. I've recently heard an old version of a flutist, Wiesner, deceased some years ago, and it was such an inspired performance that I immediately felt like getting back to work. More than that, my brain admitted I could play it like her. Until now, my reference for this piece was Bouriakov, and my brain kept telling me "there's no way you can play it like him". But this other version had such a big impact that I started practice immediately. It's similar to what happened with the gym, when I understood how deeply it benefits me. When I did that challenge about how what I did made me feel I was in the right path, but maybe I should ask myself also why am I doing these things, which are my deep motives and what do I expect to get from my work, so in this way I don't get trampled by my wish to please others or by all those "must-do" that my brain throws at me.

 

Today the water in the shower was back to being cold, below the 20s, for the first time in months, and it made a huge difference in how I felt afterwards, compared to how I feel when it's between 20-22. There was so much tension leaving my body when I came out. I've missed the feeling.

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9 hours ago, zenLara said:

When I said I have no friends I was thinking about day to day life, the fact that I have no one I can call to have a drink or chat or go out or visit some place, aside from my boyfriend. Maybe it's just related to how difficult it becomes to make friends as you get older.

I can identify with this, especially at our age when you don't have kids it becomes harder to meet people. I have the same problem. I often think how cool it would be if everyone on here all lived near one another! What are your neighbours like? Maybe you could develop a friendship with one of them, or someone from the gym? What about someone from work, maybe your pianist?

 

On 9/10/2019 at 12:59 AM, zenLara said:

it might seem weird but I thought that it would be better to die than to keep facing life from such an anxious state

This is not weird, you're suffering and thinking of how to escape. Don't go that way, you would be missed more than you know. You're not alone, there are many people in your life that love and value you, even if you can't see it right now. If you haven't already it might be a good idea to talk to your BF about this, talking it through can help. 

 

I think the walking you are doing will help your state of mind. I definitely recommend you try taking a vitamin D supplement as well. Try it for a month to build up your levels, around 2000 to 3000 IU, it made a big difference for me. 

 

On 9/10/2019 at 12:59 AM, zenLara said:

is there a polite way to say to an adult that she smells

Not really. I've been in this situation twice, subtle hints don't generally work. You have to tell her she smells and it's unpleasant. Often it's the clothes that stink and they're not washing them enough or the stink is ingrained. I had to tell someone at work in one of my jobs, the Manager made me tell him, it was embarrassing but the behavior did change so it might be worth a shot. She'll probably manipulate it against you though, maybe getting your borther to talk to her might be more diplomatic.

 

I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little better. You're very talented, there's proof, you've posted some impressive work here before. In particular the Tap dancing and the Flute pieces. You work hard and you're diligent. I know it's difficult to stop the anxiety and self doubt when you're in the moment, the truth though is the reality does not match the thoughts. 

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20 hours ago, zenLara said:

When I said I have no friends I was thinking about day to day life, the fact that I have no one I can call to have a drink or chat or go out or visit some place, aside from my boyfriend. Maybe it's just related to how difficult it becomes to make friends as you get older.

Yeah, I totally get that too.  If I wasn't for the church I attend, I wouldn't have any social life at all.

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On 9/12/2019 at 2:25 AM, Endor said:

I can identify with this, especially at our age when you don't have kids it becomes harder to meet people. I have the same problem. I often think how cool it would be if everyone on here all lived near one another! What are your neighbours like? Maybe you could develop a friendship with one of them, or someone from the gym? What about someone from work, maybe your pianist?

Yeah, that would be cool :) 

I don't have many neighbours, the building is half empty, and the ones that live here have regular working schedules, so is not that I see them much, I'm at home when they're at work and the opposite. Then, I've tried over the past years to develop some relationship at work with people I'm comfortable with, but they're all busy with kids, parents and the like and so the relationship never grows past the colleague stage. At the gym we don't talk that much, maybe with time...

 

On 9/12/2019 at 2:25 AM, Endor said:

This is not weird, you're suffering and thinking of how to escape. Don't go that way, you would be missed more than you know. You're not alone, there are many people in your life that love and value you, even if you can't see it right now. If you haven't already it might be a good idea to talk to your BF about this, talking it through can help. 

 

I think the walking you are doing will help your state of mind. I definitely recommend you try taking a vitamin D supplement as well. Try it for a month to build up your levels, around 2000 to 3000 IU, it made a big difference for me. 

Yes. I know it is normal to feel like that. Suddenly it's like you're not able to cope with the emotional pain anymore. But it flows away. I think my problem has been that instead of focusing on accepting how I felt and use the strategies I have developed over the years, I stubbornly decided not to listen. Then it grows bigger and bigger and I get to this stage when I feel so tired of struggling.

I've been taking supplements for a while, B, D, K... Don't seem to help me. Specially depressing is the fact that after spending almost one year taking high quality K supplements to help my teeth, one of them crumbled into pieces last week.

 

On 9/12/2019 at 2:25 AM, Endor said:

Not really. I've been in this situation twice, subtle hints don't generally work. You have to tell her she smells and it's unpleasant. Often it's the clothes that stink and they're not washing them enough or the stink is ingrained. I had to tell someone at work in one of my jobs, the Manager made me tell him, it was embarrassing but the behavior did change so it might be worth a shot. She'll probably manipulate it against you though, maybe getting your borther to talk to her might be more diplomatic.

Yeah, no, it's not her clothes. It's her. It's that strong sweat smell that happens when you spend most of your time in bed combined with not showering. It's surprising that it is us the embarrassed, isn't it? Boyfriend has offered himself to tell her next time we see her.

 

On 9/12/2019 at 2:25 AM, Endor said:

 the truth though is the reality does not match the thoughts. 

I should copy this in small pieces of paper and stick them to every wall and door in my appartment :)

 

On a different note, I've discovered a new variation of my personal nightmare: push-ups. It turns out you can do them using rings, isn't that great! Ring push-ups. Sounds even nice when you say it. I'll probably not be able to use my arms for a couple of days.

 

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