[iatetheyeti] Battlemage Vol. I: Beginnings

[iatetheyeti]

 

They say there’s no wrong time to start again, though doing it late in the afternoon on a Friday feels more uncomfortable than, say, first thing Monday morning. The important thing, I suppose, is to spit the words out fast and commit to them before the doubt has time to settle.

 

There’s great comfort in having a safety net below, a reassurance that any stumble will be met with a secure landing and the chance to get up and try again. When the safety net is less a net and more a noose, every stumble becomes life-threatening and every fall an ending. There seems no safe way to keep moving forward and that fear breeds only more fear. Movement ceases. No progress is made. Fear gives life to anger, irrationality, shame, hate. The only action comes in the form of destruction.

 

The past twelve months have not been good. The past six months have been downright awful. And in the past two months I have taken both sledgehammer and flamethrower to my life, tearing it apart and setting the remains alight. Not all of it was done through conscious decisions, and yet not all of it was subconscious reaction. There’s a certain kind of safety in self-destruction, an ugly comfort. I’m doing this to myself. No one else is doing it to me, and if there’s nothing left to hurt, then no one else will ever be able to hurt me.

 

And that’s about as healthy as eating a cyanide sandwich for lunch every day. I might not be stable, but I do have some self-awareness left.

 

In an ideal world I’d go to a doctor, tell all, and get professional help. This is not an ideal world. I left my previous GP surgery after a string of unfortunate experiences without realising that no other surgeries in the area are taking on new patients. It’s not the best position to be in, but there are other options out there that I am currently investigating.

 

In the meantime I’m using that little bit of self-awareness to try and drag myself to somewhere that’s a little more stable than where I am now. And that’s brought me back here. Not for community or social reasons, I can’t do that, not to myself or to anyone else. So I’m going to liken this to sitting in a nice, quiet, dark room while I talk to the void. I like talking to the void. You can’t upset, piss off, overwhelm, scare off, or intimidate the void. You expect nothing from it and it expects nothing from you. You both just happen to be there, and one of you happens to be talking. It’s cold comfort, but I’ll take what I can get. No, what I’m here for is the illusion of accountability. I’ve used that illusion successfully in terms of mood tracking and pinpointing emotional triggers for a while now, and while I can’t quite tell if it’s actually helping, it has given me fractionally more confidence in terms of making the next step along and starting to use that information to actively change my day to day life for the better. For that I need a space where I can write everything down, babble if need be, and know that the process might be seen, might be witnessed. That element of uncertainty acts as a push. A little push to do the right thing, a major push away from doing the wrong thing. My self-destruction is a private act. So I make my statement and I stick to it. And if people start noticing that I’m doing otherwise then I have to start explaining, and that is something I would avoid at all cost. Using my aversive nature like that might not be a terribly healthy thing to do, but it is one of the few resources at my disposal right now.

 

I’ve split things up into five sections in an effort to make life a little easier for myself. I’ve also dispensed with the idea of any far-reaching goals as I know those are beyond me right now. All I feel comfortable committing myself to right now is four little steps per day.

 

Mental health, the cloud hanging over everything. The overarching quest, so to speak, is to secure professional help of some sort. I’m looking into private healthcare, which will hurt financially but might well work out better in the long run, and I’m also investigating a work-related option that has potential. And there is of course the chance that a surgery or two will begin accepting new patients, but it’s unlikely. This city has expanded incredibly rapidly in the recent years and can’t keep up with itself. The lack of GPs is one bullet point on a long, long list.

 

Regardless, I still need to keep in mind the little steps. Currently I’m using two apps to help. One is a simple mood tracker that uses colours to track things and gives you the ability to see the year so far. Aside from anything else, it provides a small measure of drive to see more colour in there, to create better days for myself. The other tracker is AI based and basically forces me to examine my moods, what influences them, what I might do to make things better, and so on. I need to continue to use these daily. I also need to take on board what I learn and put it to good use.

 

My one step a day for this will be nightly meditation to focus on just that.

 

Physical health is a cloud almost as dark these days. Mental health reasons aside, the other reason I’m ready to take the financial hit and go for private healthcare is the current state of my body. The leg pains I have been struggling with on and off for years are currently very much present and they are spreading up through my back and even to my arms. My optician is very keen for me to speak to a doctor about the headaches I keep getting (as in most days a week for about a year now) in a very specific place. And my last GP told me I most likely had arthritis in my foot. At the ripe old age of twenty seven.

 

None of that I can do much about right now. What I can do is prevent further damage, and I can do that by actually eating like an adult with a physically demanding job, which is not what I’ve been doing previously.

 

My one step for this will be to hit the damn calorie target. Halfway is not good enough. A couple of hundred below is not good enough. Either I hit it, or I go over it. In this situation, going over would actually be a very good thing.

 

And that brings me to fitness. I currently have none. Sometimes I feel unconcerned about it, sometimes I get angry. After all, it was me who let myself slip. But there’s no sense in being angry with myself for that unless that anger comes with action. It will be a tiny amount of action, admittedly. I’m going to have to scale everything drastically until I’m consistently eating enough to support a higher level of activity.

 

My one step for this will be to do something physically active daily. Go for a walk or a short and slow run, do a bodyweight workout, or do some yoga.

 

Fourth is the one thing I’m actually making any kind of progress on, and that’s domestic issues. As in three weeks ago my flat looked as though a bomb had gone off in a hoarder’s home and now it just looks like a bit of a shit tip. I don’t have any particular motivation to change it, though I really should feel differently about that, I just forced myself into doing so. And now I need to force myself into a routine that will keep me working towards that change. Environment has an impact on mental health, after all.

 

My one step for this will be to do one domestic task every day.

 

Finally, racing. I have two races coming up in the next six weeks and to be perfectly honest I don’t want to go through with either of them. These two races are the same races that helped launch this downhill spiral last year and part of me can’t help but think if I put myself through that again, if I go and fail again, which is almost certain at this point, things are only going to get worse. The thought of doing so makes me panic badly enough to get physically ill. But I’m going to do both anyway. I’m not sure if it’s stupidity or stubbornness, but I’ll go and I’ll deal with the consequences of doing so after, if I can.

 

There is no one step for this. There is only forcing myself to follow through with actually going. I have the time off work, that was taken care of months ago, so what this means is booking transport. I’d originally planned to drive but I absolutely should not be behind the wheel for a number of reasons. It’s a shame, because I love driving and I do believe it would have done a little good, but I’m not risking the lives of others for that. So I’m left with buses and trains, and that needs to be done within the next couple of weeks to avoid extortionate prices. Poor motivation, but again, I’ll take what I can get.

 

And that’s that. I am absolutely not going to try and make myself commit to daily updates. This has been an exercise in humiliation, even without going into detail, and I suspect further updates will be more of the same for a while yet, and that’s not something I can subject myself to daily. I think a couple of times a week will be enough to begin with. In time I can only hope that I will start to make progress and this will be less painful and more like an actual training log with actual goals, actual healthy coping mechanisms, and actual training. That’s what my one remaining optimistic brain cell wants. Realistically I’d settle for some kind of balance between bad days and good. The only way to find out is to do it, dragging myself from point to point if need be. So we’ll see, I guess.

 

 

[iatetheyeti]

30/3-1/4

 

I think this should probably be the part where I set some very basic intentions for the week ahead, though right now the only thing that comes to mind is to do better than I did this weekend past.

 

Saturday was a complete wash out. One step out of of four, meditation. I've developed the unfortunate habit of losing all sense of purpose whenever I get a day off work and as a result do nothing, assuming I manage to get out of bed. That's something I'm hoping this will help with.

 

Sunday was not much better despite being the exact opposite in terms of work, I left the flat at 5am and didn't get back until 6pm. Two steps out of four, meditation and domestic.

 

Today, at least, is going slightly better already. It might be as good as it gets depending on what's waiting for me at work, but at least I'm comfortable with saying that even if it is, it hasn't been a failure.

 

This week is full of awkward shifts, though not terribly lengthy ones, so I should be able to commit some more energy to self-improvement than I have been previously. Next check in will likely be Friday as it's my first day off this week.

[iatetheyeti]

1/4 - 5/4

 

Very Basic Intentions are holding so far, which, I have to admit, is more than I expected. I'm going to continue with my current VBI (do better than last weekend) until I feel I'm in a solid enough place to add on to that.

 

Monday turned out to be ok. Three steps out of four in the end. Came up the tiniest bit short on my calorie target.

Tuesday on the other hand was hell. Pain was bad and persistent, I counted six finger dislocations (three of which were the same finger, which ended up painful and swollen), and I barely slept. One step out of four, meditation. Nothing else was done because of the pain.

Wednesday was an improvement. The pain retreated quite dramatically and though I did have a headache, it was a manageable one. Three steps out of four. Domestic task wasn't done because I overslept and had to run for the bus, and then came back late and went straight to bed.

Thursday was not such a good day. It started with a spider that could have eaten me for breakfast and still had room to spare, and it ended with me being cornered by Mormon missionaries who wanted to know if I knew god's plan for me. Credit where it's due, they were nice about it, and they shook my hand when I finally managed to make my escape. That's the first physical contact I've had with other people in months, and the knowledge of that did nothing to improve my post-work mood. Two out of four steps. There was nothing stopping me going for a walk or doing a domestic task, but instead I wallowed in my low mood.

 

Today is looking set to be my first four of four day, which will be nice.

 

Likely irrelevant, just speaking to the void and thinking things through out loud to help myself come to a conclusion.

Spoiler

 

I did actually wake up in a good mood today. I did some cleaning, I had a proper lunch, and then I went into Edinburgh. My intentions for doing so were to first treat myself to something new to wear (did not happen, I had a bit of a moment in the changing rooms of the first shop I was in because of the weight I've put on and abandoned the idea), and second to get myself used to being in crowded places again. After all, in four weeks, give or take, I'm going to be dropping myself first in the middle of London, then into a race, and then into volunteering. If I don't make the effort to improve how I deal with social situations then things will not go well for me, to put it mildly. I've regressed to the point where I will go and hide in the freezer at work (which sits at a nippy minus twenty on average) if I see a chatty customer coming. I will also do laps of the store or hide in admin to avoid having conversations with my co-workers if I'm feeling particularly socially fragile. If the worst came to the worst, I could probably cope with the London crowds. I'll have my headphones and I know where to find a calmer, greener space. I could probably even cope with the race. But the volunteering? I need to improve if I'm going to cope with that. That didn't really happen though. It seems lately that whenever I go into Edinburgh something always happens. Last time I got caught in a bomb scare. This time a bus hit a pedestrian and I spent a long time wondering if I'd just watched someone die (I didn't, apparently he survived). That, added to the conversation the Mormons pushed on me yesterday, added to my overall mood for the past few months, banished any trace of my good mood. I spent the bus ride home wrestling with what I can admit were some fairly morbid thoughts and ended up confronting a few things that I'd been trying to push away for a while now. Now I'm in a place where, now that I've started in on it, my brain just won't stop. I suppose if that's what needs to happen then it's just as well it's happening, but it isn't exactly pleasant and I know it's going to impact on my ability to sleep tonight. Still, I suppose it's better than continuing to bottle it up, and while I might be out of luck in trying to make today better, I can always try again tomorrow.

 

 

[iatetheyeti]

5/4 - 9/4

 

I think I've succeeded with my VBI, this weekend was better than the last, quite significantly so. Still, I'm going to keep it the same for now, almost. Doing better will take some doing,and I don't think I have the energy to sustain that for more than a day or so, so instead I want to keep this level of success.

 

Friday ended up being a very mixed day for the reasons stated in my last entry. I did manage four of four steps, just.

Saturday was very much a recovery day. I felt weak, my mind was all over the place, and focusing was extremely difficult. Three of four steps done, no physical activity. I could easily have done it, I just didn't.

Sunday went slowly. I woke up late enough that I almost missed the bus to work. Work dragged on endlessly. Time felt weird. I also managed it badly, resulting in no domestic activity done and only three of four steps again. I think. It's always difficult to judge whether or not I've hit my calorie target when I eat at work, it's always best guess.

Monday was a surprise. I actually felt like myself for the first time in a very long time. Admittedly I think this is because I was consumed by a book, but I'll take what I can get. That's actually one thing I'm quite proud of, this time around, even when things got really bad, I was still able to cling to doing something I truly love. Usually reading gets dropped when my ability to focus goes, and that always goes during the bad times, but this time I was actually able to work through that. Four of four steps.

 

Today is shaping up to be a supremely lazy day, which I don't much mind. I've got a small list of things that need doing so I can alternate tasks whenever my attention starts to slip or it gets difficult to concentrate. Or I forget what I'm doing. Regardless, I think I can make today a four of four day as well. Next update will likely be the weekend, at some point.

[iatetheyeti]

10/4 - 14/4

 

Time is suddenly passing extremely quickly, and while a part of me is glad of that because it's bringing me closer to some much needed time off work, part of me is panicking because the first races of the year are now soon. 

 

Wednesday and Thursday are lost to me. I can't remember them. My rota tells me I worked both days, but I don't remember doing that either. To be fair, it was likely the stress of the last couple of shifts that wiped what were probably calmer ones from my mind.

Friday could best be described as hell. Got word that the second in command of the entire company was visiting on Saturday and that everything had to be spotless and filled to capacity. I baked off hundreds of things. That did result in a few injuries, mostly minor cuts and burns, and some truly spectacular pain from the potential arthritis. It also resulted in my first zero of four day. I did not meditate because I wanted to sleep instead. I did no physical activity, though I think of all of them that that could possible be excused given how active I was on shift. I did no domestic tasks because of the aforementioned desire to sleep. And I failed to meet my calorie goal. Stress and exhaustion burn away all desire to eat.

Saturday, fortunately, was better, if a somewhat angrier kind of day. Said second in command didn't bother to show up and the Overlord gave the morning shift free breakfasts for all of the hard work done on Friday night, never mind the fact that the majority of us that been in on Friday night were not in the following morning. Regardless, I did pull things back slightly. Two of four, which admittedly is not perfect. No additional physical activity done and no domestic task. And I only just hit my calorie target. Not good enough.

 

Today has been better. I slept as long as I needed, I've been busy around the flat, and I've even had two actual meals so far. And I've made a little headway with one of my other tasks, securing transport for getting to and from these races. I've got the bus part of my trip down for RRDW sorted, all I need to do now is go to the train station and buy some painfully expensive train tickets to finish it off. All in all, still cheaper than hiring a car. The Spartan is a little more complicated. I've got the bus down sorted, and I think I can sort the rest of it on the day. The return journey is the tricky one. I can't remember for the life of me if I volunteered morning or evening. If it was the morning shift, then I can proceed as usual and come back up Sunday night. If it was evening then I'll have to come back Monday morning. Finding this information out will involve emailing the Spartan volunteer leader, and while he's a nice enough guy this is something I don't want to do. Emailing is not as bad as phoning, but it still sets the anxiety ticking. Got to be done though.

 

Next update will be Wednesday.

 

[Guzzi]

Hey!  Just wanted to say hello, and I’m sorry to hear things have been tough lately.  ((Sending you cyber hugs))

 

I’m certainly not the best person to speak on this topic, because I suck at dealing with this stuff, but I can at least repeat the advice that’s been given to me countless times (I can’t promise I followed it, coz I’m crap at that shit).  

 

The thing with mental health is that it is also physical health, when you are struggling mentally then actually doing anything can become almost impossible, and there’s very little you can do about it.  That’s the very crux of the problem.  Even if you know what would help, that doesn’t make you capable of actually doing it.  It might help if you can learn to look at and analyse your behaviour/mood, without applying any kind of judgement.  At the end of the day you wouldn’t judge yourself negatively for not being able to walk if you had a broken leg, this isn’t really that different.  It just seems to me that you are being incredibly hard on yourself for something that you don’t really have that much control over.  

 

I think you maybe deserve a little kindness right now and I hope you find a way to see a doc to get some help, because it can make a world of a difference.  I’m still on the same number if you need someone to talk/rant/whatever to IRL xx

[iatetheyeti]

15/4 - 17/4

 

Time is passing too slowly. I have a week and a half before I get two whole weeks off of work. Time is also passing far too quickly. Just over two weeks before the Super, less than a month before RRDW. 

 

Monday started off well, I watched the new GoT episode before even rolling out of bed, and work wasn't entirely awful. Three of four, forgot to meditate.

Tuesday did not start well, but that's what happens when you go from a closing shift onto an opening one, have a first aid call for a heavily bleeding pensioner before breakfast, and get an email about the race you're terrified of as soon as you get back from work. Fun day, really. Two of three. Missed my calorie target (not by a massive amount, which is an improvement) and decided reading was a better option than housework, so no domestic task.

Wednesday is today, apparently. I've gone through most of it thinking it was Thursday, but I got the date right so no harm done. And today I have actually surpassed my calorie target for once. Probably not in the healthiest of ways (it involved a lot of free scotch pies and bowls of chunky vegetable soup consumed in a very short amount of time, the good thing about taking a break just as the canteen is closing and the bad thing about having such a short break...), but that's a win I didn't expect. So far that's two of four, which will be three when I finish clearing up after dinner, and four if I actually remember to meditate before bed.

 

And while I'm no further ahead with finding out which volunteer shift I took at the upcoming race weekend, I think I managed to save myself in excess of £60 in regards to train tickets for RRDW. It does mean going around the houses rather than a direct route, but the timing is roughly the same and a return ticket is cheaper than one way on my original route choice. I'll get that finalised within the next couple of days, and maybe by then I'll have worked up the nerve to email the volunteer guy.

 

Next update will be tomorrow evening, as by some miracle I have three days in a row off and if I don't keep myself in check I'll slip back off the rails again.

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

On 4/14/2019 at 9:54 PM, Guzzi said:

The thing with mental health is that it is also physical health, when you are struggling mentally then actually doing anything can become almost impossible, and there’s very little you can do about it.  That’s the very crux of the problem.  Even if you know what would help, that doesn’t make you capable of actually doing it.  It might help if you can learn to look at and analyse your behaviour/mood, without applying any kind of judgement.  At the end of the day you wouldn’t judge yourself negatively for not being able to walk if you had a broken leg, this isn’t really that different.  It just seems to me that you are being incredibly hard on yourself for something that you don’t really have that much control over.

 

Appreciate that, although to be honest I'm not sure I'm capable of analysis without judgement, not when it comes to myself. Not yet, anyway, I guess I should say. I am trying. The thing is, if I'm not hard on myself then I stop trying, and then everything goes right back to hell and I lose what control I had anyway. I need to keep pushing myself because it's about the only positive thing I can do for myself right now, because I know that that pushing will eventually lead to reforging some discipline. And then I won't need to be so hard on myself. It's not entirely about doing the thing, it's more about making the time to try regardless of what comes of that attempt. I'm not entirely sure I'm explaining myself very well...

 

[Guzzi]

You gotta do what you gotta do, and that’s different for each person.  You know you better than anybody else.

[iatetheyeti]

18/4

 

Two weeks today I get on a bus to go down south for the Super. Not entirely happy with that, but short of time travel there's really not much to be done. Probably past time I embraced my fate...

 

That little realisation aside, today has actually been a good one. Got a decent sleep, didn't berate myself for waking late, and managed a trip into Edinburgh without any major incidents. I even managed to try on some clothes without having a meltdown about how my body looks. Minimal crowd panic too, which was nice. It wasn't comfortable, but it was bearable. Warm, too. Without the wind I think it might even have been t-shirt weather, which is a nice change from the grey skies and threat of rain (and occasional snow) we've had up until now.

 

Three of four steps so far. Went for a walk full of stairs and hills, made myself busy around the flat, and actually managed three proper meals, two of which were even cooked from scratch. haven't done that in a while. And I've even written myself a note to remind me to meditate before bed. Forgot last night.

 

I'm going to very tentatively set some intentions for tomorrow: that I'll finish arranging my transport for RRDW (which means a trip to the train station to get tickets), and that I'll finally finish up converting my box/junk room into the world's smallest study. I'll update tomorrow evening.

 

[iatetheyeti]

19/4

 

Today was a good day, and I don't mean that in the sense that I meant when I said yesterday was a good day. Yesterday was neither here nor there, not great but not awful, and only good because of that. Today was a good day. Our weekend of summer is here, and I was able to walk outside and feel the sun against my skin and the wind in my hair, and that makes so much of a difference. I think I also got a little sun-scorched and the fact that the council has recently cut all of the grass in town made my relatively new hay fever very upset, but that hardly counts as a downside. Well. Maybe the sunburn does. The back of my neck is not used to being in direct sunlight like that, so much so it's still uncomfortably warm despite having been indoors for hours now, but on the plus side having far less hair means my head cools down quicker than it used to. That's a handy thing for someone with barely any temperature regulation ability.

 

It's looking set to be a four for four day. I've kept up my note reminding me to meditate so I know I won't forget. I've gone over my calorie target again, which is quite impressive considering most of what I've eaten today has been vegetables, and I'm still not quite done. I might even reach what would be considered a normal and healthy intake for someone of my age and size today, which will make a nice change. I spent plenty of time out walking, which I'm counting as my physical activity. Admittedly I did consider a proper workout, which in itself is progress, but the sun has tired me about as much as it's improved my mood. And while I didn't finish my planned conversion, I have done some much needed housework.

 

I did succeed with my other intention though, and I've booked what train tickets I need for RRDW, saving myself a grand total of £63.50 in the process.

 

So my intentions for tomorrow will be a repeat of today. The weather is supposed to be the same and if it does hold then I'm taking full advantage. I guess after finding some sun cream for my neck... And I will finish converting the junk room, including taking said junk out and dumping it in the bins where it belongs. Will update at roughly the same time tomorrow evening.

[iatetheyeti]

20/4

 

I had every intention of making today as good as yesterday, and those intentions lasted right up until I'd finished my coffee. And then there was just guilt and frustration and no small amount of anger. Because I'd had a good day. It doesn't make much sense to me, and I did get a little too wrapped up in trying to figure out why rather than trying to combat the irrational feelings. I don't think I've ever felt so bad about having a good day before. If I have I don't remember it. It's kind of ridiculous. It shouldn't happen, but it did.

 

Despite that, I've got two steps of four so far. No real physical activity, but my meditation note is still in place so I'm reasonably confident I can finish today with three of four.

 

Next update will be Monday.

[iatetheyeti]

21/4 - 22/4

 

I had good intentions, and they all died.

 

Sunday went about as I expected. No sleep before an open to close shift, and for every long hour I stared out of the front doors at the sunshine, wishing I could be outside. I entertained the idea of going for a walk after work, but I was already exhausted and my short exposure to heat in the low twenties pre- and post-bus managed to wipe me out entirely. I made an effort to keep myself hydrated, but even sinking two litres of water couldn't save me from a headache. It ended up being a one of four day, with meditation being the only thing done.

 

Today has been a strange one, though I don't think it's a bad thing. I made a point of moving my laptop through into my bedroom last night so I could watch Game of Thrones right after I woke up, and I did just that after what was an unfortunately restless night. My intentions had been to take advantage of the good weather and go somewhere with a book and sun cream, and just chill, figuratively speaking, for a while. Instead I felt like roadkill and stayed inside, but I think that has more to do with my period being due any day now, so I'm gearing up to expect a few more days like this. And in spite of that I was actually fantastically productive. I finished converting what was formerly a box room into my own little office space and I'm actually incredibly happy with how it turned out, especially considering the small space I had to work with (I didn't keep boxes in there, the room is about the size of a box...). I also tore through my bedroom, giving it the thorough clearing out I've been meaning to for a long, long time now. Of course, as a result my living room has become a dumping ground, but it's a semi-organised dumping ground. And also my next target. So far it's been a two of four day, domestic and active both handily taken care of. I'm not quite at my calorie target yet, mostly because I got engrossed in what I was doing and plain forgot to have any lunch.

 

Next update will be Thursday.

 

[iatetheyeti]

23/4 - 25/4

 

Tuesday didn't end up going so well. Barely any sleep, feeling a little like roadkill, and a fairly rough shift at work didn't really help. The leg pain cam back quite spectacularly too, focused mostly in my left lower leg, but it did spread. Somewhat surprisingly there was minimal pain from the potential arthritis to go along with this. The day ended up being a two of four day. I felt too run down to attempt any additional physical exercise and I struggled to eat.

 

Wednesday was worse. Barely any sleep again, and when I did sleep it was extremely fractured and restless. Waking brought the realisation that I am in fact ill again, although I did hold on to the hope that it would be short lived and nothing serious. It initially felt like a bad cold, which is no great surprise, it happens to me a lot. It got worse throughout the day, bad enough that I'm not entirely sure how I managed to complete my shift at work without further injury. It was a zero of four day.

 

It also led to one of the worst nights I've had this year. It did occur to me yesterday that I probably had the flu. Again. I've never had it twice in a year and I don't much like it, truth be told. Last time, however, seems like a breeze compared to what I've been left with this time around. Last night was abysmal, to put it lightly. Fever, chills, and some mildly disturbing mental stuff before I figured out a way to sleep that wouldn't boil me, freeze me, or suffocate me. Or all of the above. I didn't get much more than half an hour or so at a time, by my best guess, and none of it could be considered restful. I can't say I'm doing much better today. Getting from my bed to my sofa was an effort, and although I'm keeping myself hydrated eating is again a massive struggle.

 

Safe to say I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow. I know I should probably call in sick, but I can't risk that. I'm on thin ice there as it is. At the very least, only three more shifts stand between me and two weeks off (and if I do pass out at work tomorrow, then maybe the holiday starts early). On the downside, a week today I get on a bus to go down to the south of England for the Super. I wasn't looking forward to it before this happened, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little concerned about how it'll play out. I can't even walk for eight minutes without getting dizzy right now, much less run for eight miles over rough terrain. With burpees. Still, I have my start time, and it's early enough in the morning that I should be able to take my time. Given that, I think that, when the volunteering info email comes through (should be tomorrow or the day after), I'll ask if I can be switched to the morning shift if I'm not down for that already. I'll have time to rest, and afterwards I'll have time to get back to London, and can get a Sunday night bus home rather than have to sleep in the bus station before getting the Monday morning one.

 

...even writing that out makes me feel tired. It's a lot and it's soon and I'm in no state of mind to deal with it.

 

But I have to. I made the decision not to avoid it, which I'm trying to believe will do me good in the long run, and that means dealing with whatever happens between now and then. It also means I actually have to be sensible about recovering. And that goes against my 'ignore it until it goes away' policy that I like to employ when illness comes knocking. In order to keep that mindset at bay I'm going to update here daily, most likely until the end of my holiday period, to try and keep myself on track. I don't like doing it, but even my intermittent entries here are slowly starting to make a difference to how I act, so I'm going with what's working. So the next update will be tomorrow, most likely with some sort of plan of action and hopefully with a little less flu.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Admittedly going to work today was a stupid thing to do. I actually woke up feeling not so bad, and then I tried to walk to the bus station and about keeled over. So today was a very, very slowly paced one to contend with the dizzy spells. Apparently I'm still running a temperature too, though I haven't felt very warm at all since waking up. I'm being as sensible as I can be with my aims just now, and until I can walk at a normal speed without my head swimming I'm dropping the physical activity step. It means today is a two of three day. I did a tiny amount of housework this morning before work, still got the note to remind me to meditate so I know I won't miss that, and I need to eat some more before reaching my calorie goal. Which is probably not going to happen today.

 

Shorter shift tomorrow, so I'll have more time to actually sit down and think of a proper set of plague protocols.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Going into work was again a stupid thing to do, especially since I had a shorter shift and just as much work to squeeze into it. But I think by this point I've established that I do indeed do stupid things. Fortunately the dizziness has died down considerably and my internal heating system seems to be settling back to normal again. Now things seem to be going back to cold symptoms, and I have become a walking snot factory. It's about as wonderful as it sounds. Plus the coughing. The coughing worries me. It's rare that I get a cough that's just a cough, usually it deviates right into a chest infection, which I really don't want.

 

On the bright side, only one more day standing between me and two weeks off work.

 

And this time next week I'll be tucked up in my tent wondering why I decided running a Spartan was a good idea. Hopefully on the day it'll be better weather. We've had sun, sleet, and pissing rain here. It's been great. In the lead-up to this ill-advised race I'm keeping my aims extremely simple. Eat lots and keep moving. If I can't manage solid food (my appetite is still fairly non-existent right now) then go for things like soups and smoothies, get the calories in as best I can. If I don't eat, I won't have the energy to stubborn my way around the course no matter how hard I try. As for movement, really just keep on walking. Maybe even practice my little shuffle run. So long as I'm mobile, one way or the other. Once the dizziness stops completely I might even throw in some burpees. I'm out of practice and I have a suspicion I may fail every obstacle... 

 

As far as today goes, it's looking likely to be a three of three day, which is nice. As much as I don't want to eat, and as much as my stomach is protesting being fed, I have been shovelling food in and, once I've sorted dinner, will surpass my calorie goal today. I did a little housework before going to work, and the meditation note is still up in place. I may or may not update tomorrow depending on how great my need for sleep is.

[iatetheyeti]

28/4-29/4

 

It turns out there is such thing as an emotional wrecking ball and I have been hit by it. There are many factors.

 

Sunday went just about how I expected it to go. Simultaneously high energy and low energy, too fast and too slow, the typical day before the holiday begins, really. At that point my mind was mostly on the fact that the coughing had indeed settled into my chest and that Saturday night had been a horror of brief bursts of sleep interrupted by coughing fits. The complete lack of sleep I've had recently accounts for a full half of my current emotional state now, I think. I don't actually remember how many of my goals I hit, which is probably not so great considering it was quite literally yesterday...

 

I was determined to make today a self care day. It's the first day of two weeks off of work. I have never, ever had two full weeks off of work in one go, not once in my entire working life. the self-care thing didn't get off to the greatest of starts considering the coughing, headache, and general lack of sleep. I gave up at about 5am and watched Game of Thrones instead. That gave me some emotions for sure. After that I rolled out of bed and pretty much went straight to the cinema to see Endgame, which gave me some more emotions. I'm classing that as my physical activity of the day considering there was some walking involved.

 

And then things happened. I'm being deliberately vague not because said things were bad (the opposite, actually), but because I lack the vocabulary to effectively sum up what's going on in my head right now. Oddly enough it did help me get back on track with my self-care thing, and since getting home I have actually been pretty good to myself. Enough so that I can say today is a four of four day, and comfortably so. And I appear to have unlocked my positivity again, which is an odd feeling. So I'm going to use it to set some goals.

 

Tomorrow is looking set to be another sunny day, so I'm going to go for a longish walk. I'm also going to properly air out my flat. When I shut down I tend to spread that to my surroundings, and while I may have recently started opening the blinds in the living room again, I do need to open some windows and freshen the place up. You can tell the place has been occupied by an ill person and it's not pleasant.

 

Wednesday is supposed to be rainy, so I'll focus on housework. I want the place in reasonable shape before I leave for the Spartan, or rather, I don't want to come back and have the current mess slap me in the face. So by the end of Wednesday I'll have a neat and tidy flat. I should probably also pack, because if leave that until Thursday it'll turn into panic packing.

 

And on Thursday, rain or shine, I'll go for a walk to calm the inevitable pre-travel nerves. I don't actually start travelling until 1930ish, so I'll still have a full day to work on keeping calm. All in all, that seems reasonably achievable, I think. Daily updates to continue until I head down south, easier to keep myself in check that way.

 

[iatetheyeti]

On the other side of emotional wrecking ball is the emotional hangover.

 

And that's just fine, I actually got to do some processing and a lot of meditation and actually break down some things that I'd basically pushed into a dark corner to avoid dealing with. Given that a fair amount of that was done while I was still in bed, it did result in me getting up exceptionally late. As a result I don't know if I missed the sun or if we never got it in the first place, because everything has been grey and soggy since then. So I didn't go for a walk. But I did air the flat out and I have done a lot of housework. I managed to dislocate a finger tying up a bin bag, and dislocate another one picking up a book. I don't know how, but there we have it.

 

Today is a definite three of four day, and I think I can probably add in some exercise to make it a four of four day. I'm taking full advantage of my sudden calm because I know tomorrow there will be some panic as it will be the day before I travel down south. I will try to stick to my goals for the day regardless.

[iatetheyeti]

Today has been a day of some fairly extreme emotions. Apparently I'm still getting massive guilt every time I'm happy, which is actually ridiculous, and I seem to have settled into a state being both incredibly calm about the weekend and also severely panicking about it at the same time. The human brain is a wonderful thing... Physically I still seem to be improving. It's slow going, and I'm still coughing, but at this point I'm confident that I do not have a chest infection this time. What I do have is a headache that's refusing to shift, but I kind of expected that. I don't quite know how to explain the event that triggered the initial headache other than calling it a weird visual interruption (which I've had before, only now it's coming more frequently and is a major reason I'm so reluctant to drive. If it happens when I'm behind the wheel and not able to pull over immediately I will crash, no doubt about it), and since then the weather's been loopy, which always makes the headaches worse.

 

Today has been a four of four day. I went for a walk, did some housework, managed to eat plenty despite nerves unsettling my stomach, and have already spent some time in a meditative state to try and calm myself. I've even mostly packed.

 

Tomorrow will no doubt be spent in an even more restless state, but I'm aiming to get as much done as possible before leaving, especially since I'm spending longer down south than I'd originally intended. I'll update briefly tomorrow afternoon.

[iatetheyeti]

My intentions for today were to remain calm and finish preparing for my trip. Instead I've had two panic attacks and run around like a headless chicken. Everything is causing me stress right now despite my efforts to chill the hell out and remember that I'm actually supposed to enjoy this trip. I'm hoping that, at the very least, things will calm down a little once I've got this horror show of a bus ride out of the way (eight to nine hour overnight journeys with no option to lie down in a quiet place away from other people and their snoring is not my favourite way to travel...). Although the forecast for London tomorrow is showing me rain, which might force me from my tried and tested plan of finding a park to read in. Might. The forecast for the race itself looks decent (reasonably cool and a little soggy), as does Sunday's (warmer and less soggy).

 

I did entertain the idea of trying to uphold my little plan whilst travelling, but I need to be realistic. So instead I'm going to aim to make reasonable choices when it comes to food, to listen to my body during the race rather than force myself on and into another injury, and to maybe try and have a conversation like a normal person.

 

I've got about an hour and a half before I leave for the first bus, and I will be back on Tuesday.

[jonfirestar]

13 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

So instead I'm going to aim to make reasonable choices when it comes to food, to listen to my body during the race rather than force myself on and into another injury, and to maybe try and have a conversation like a normal person

 

I don’t know that it is even possible to have a normal person conversation with me an @Rhovaniel  

 

I can’t wait to see you Yeti. Sending much love your way and wishing you a good trip. I’ll see you Saturday.

[iatetheyeti]

 

I never really specified which Tuesday I’d be back, in my defence.

 

...poor excuse, but I’ve actually been somewhat constructive with this latest little break. Admittedly my trips down south threw me in many unexpected ways. I did end up having a bit of a breakdown during the Spartan weekend (witnessed, for the first time ever, and talked through, so none of my usual post-breakdown destructive behaviours showed up) and I had a panic attack of sorts at RRDW (purely because I couldn’t go anywhere quiet enough to de-stress after a whole lot of socialisation and I did not handle it well at all), but, even though these were some fairly major low points, it was good to see everyone again. It was good not to be alone. That’s a fair bit of an understatement, but I’m already watery-eyed thinking about it and I’d like to actually get through this without having to take crying breaks.

 

All of that did mean I needed a recovery period afterwards. Which wasn’t really forthcoming thanks to work. So it took a little while longer than I’d thought it might.

 

But a weird thing happened.

 

I started to come back to life. I did a full-on depression clean of my flat and for once I kept going, I’m still going. I’m ripping the place apart, selling, donating, or ditching what I don’t want or need, and shaping what I have into something which resembles the living space of a functional adult. I’ve been able to see every floor in every room every day for the past two weeks. That hasn’t happened in over a year. That in turn has led to regular cleaning, and that in turn has led to actual cooking. I’ve had two cooked meals a day for the past two weeks, three on the days where I’ve eaten at work, and they’ve all been something resembling healthy. I haven’t had any junk food, I haven’t had any dairy, and strangely enough I haven’t missed any of it. With all of that has come the tiniest bit of noticeable energy, and while I’m still not doing any kind of structured workouts, I’ve picked something every day and stuck at it. Push ups every time I go into the kitchen. Hanging leg raises every time I go to the bathroom. Negative pull ups on the hour. Little things to help my body remember that not only can it move, but it works better when it does.

 

True my mind has been all over the damn place, and I have had some extreme lows, but it wasn’t until I had one particular conversation today (about something else entirely and yet my mind apparently won’t leave these things alone) that I actually realised why I was able to keep pushing through those lows this time around.

 

I have hope for the future. Or, more specifically, I have hope for my future.

 

I don’t remember the last time I felt anything like that. Six months ago I didn’t believe I actually had a future. Yet things have changed so drastically, and I still have emotional whiplash from it all, that I’m not afraid to think about it. I’m excited for it. I know what I need to do, and I know I won’t be alone.

 

And that’s why I’m not making any plan on how to keep this going. I’m not there yet, and when I get there it will happen as organically as the other changes have. I didn’t plan any of them, I just went with it as it happened. I didn’t plan on actually posting here, but when I hung up the phone and had my ‘oh shit I have a future and I’m happy about it’ moment I opened up a google doc and started typing. Hours later, here I am.

 

Just because I’m not making plans doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention. I’m using this latest change to nudge myself back into tracking what I’m doing. Nothing complicated, I’m not counting calories or anything, but enough to form both a habit and an idea of where I’m at. Today would look like so:

 

Food: Breakfast of two slices of french toast, a small mountain of scrambled eggs (double handful, maybe?), and a serving spoonful of baked beans (I do not care how healthy this is or isn’t, it’s exactly what’s needed in the middle of an opening shift). Lunch of porridge and banana. Dinner consisting of half a dozen sausages, two corn cobs, and an actual mountain of green beans run through with spinach (I know I need to start measuring things out at some point so I’m not overeating and inadvertently sabotaging my spare tyre removal, but right now all I care about is that I actually am eating regularly).

Movement: Push ups every time I exit the living room, sustained deep squat before I sit anywhere (not done at work because I only had a very short break in which to eat my egg mountain).

Downtime: Some knitting, a lot of reading (at the start of this battlelog I made a target of reading 52 books in the year. I blew past that target at some point in May…), general housework, sorted out the next lot of clothing to donate.

Injury/illness: Still coughing (far too much exposure to smoke today thanks to the wonderful people that light up inside bus shelters…), bad toe and left knee are aching (overworked and under rested), but my right knee seems to be healing up nicely.

 

Simple as that. Also, my memory doesn’t function very well at the best of times, so really having a written record of even the little things is probably a sensible thing.

 

I’ll be aiming to update every evening. Obviously this won’t always happen, but I will not fault myself for missing an update. Instead I’ll acknowledge that shit happens, and I’ll update the next day instead.

 

 

[iatetheyeti]

No matter how many times I go through it, it always, always catches me off guard when I get a mood crash/emotional hangover after a good day. I suppose it wasn't as bad as it could have been, I at least had the sense to distract myself rather than let my insecurities take deeper root and send me into a downward spiral. But I feel exhausted by maintaining even that small effort.

 

Food: Breakfast of coffee (because I rarely eat breakfast when I'm not working mornings, and only do so on those days because I get up at four and usually get my break around ten). Lunch consisted of leftovers from last night and a smoothie afterwards. Dinner ended up being pizza, my first slip since starting this streak of good eating. I suppose sometimes shit happens when you're not feeling so great, so I'm not being too hard on myself so long as tomorrow is better.

Movement: Next to nothing. Combination of low mood, bad weather (I hate that the weather has such an impact on me physically but there's not much I can do unless I move somewhere tropical), and mys distraction technique of choice being a book. Again, shit happens, but tomorrow must be better.

Downtime: Reading and music.

Illness/injury: Coughing is back down to usual levels thanks to me not leaving the flat and therefore having no exposure to smoke. My entire body aches but nothing is standing out as particularly painful, which usually means it's just because it's a damp and miserable day.

 

Days like this are why I'm refusing to actively make any plans. On days like this I don't have the willpower to follow through with them. But because I didn't hold myself to any expectations today, it felt a little easier to persuade myself to eat (even if the second time around I managed to order pizza...), I've kept myself hydrated, and I've kept myself from giving in to the shit that my brain keeps throwing at me. Far as I can see, that's a win.

 

[iatetheyeti]

I am exhausted. Partly from the emotional hangover, partly from a string of days getting up at 4am, and partly because I currently have an inability to sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. But I'm trying to establish a halfway normal sleeping pattern, so I'm holding off of going to bed for an hour or two.

 

Food: 1st breakfast was half of a footlong sausage roll that otherwise would have gone to waste as it fell apart being packaged. 2nd breakfast consisted of sausages, scrambled eggs, and beans. Lunch was chicken and parsnip soup. Dinner was leftover pizza with a bag of microwave veg. 

Movement: I think work counted as my cardio. Every shelf was empty and trying to fill everything during a morning rush was... interesting. Have been doing squats on the hour since getting home, but carefully. I don't want to upset my knees, but neither do I want them to suffer from lack of use.

Downtime: More reading, too tired to really do much else.

Illness/injury: Coughing a little more today, also aching a little more as the weather is worse. No knee twinges from either side, plenty of twinges from the bad toe.

 

 

[iatetheyeti]

Today's been a bit of a weird one. I've got a ridiculous amount of restless energy that's built up and yet whenever I try and direct it towards something... nothing. Can't do. Does not compute. I think it's because I'd already planned this day out weeks ago. I was supposed to be taking advantage of my last day off before next weekend to pack as next weekend was supposed to be a trip down south to volunteer for Spartan. And now I'm not doing it. I've sent the email citing health issues as the reason for dropping out. And it's true, but while I think they'll assume physical health, it's the other one. I will not be able to cope. A full day of work followed immediately by an overnight bus followed immediately by more public transport followed by a night camping followed by over twelve hours volunteering followed by another night in a field followed by a morning volunteering followed by Sunday schedule public transport followed by an overnight bus immediately followed by a full shift at work? Nope. I barely coped with that when I went to race with other people and had time off work. Not a chance I'm coping alone and with no additional time off. Point is, I removed what I'd had as a set in stone purpose for today and for some reason I can't seem to do anything else with it. I don't much like it, and I'd like to figure out how to fix it before next weekend because I can't take three days of this feeling.

 

Food: No actual meals today, instead lots of grazing covering many many food groups.

Movement: I don't think pacing counts, or getting up, going into another room, not knowing why and having to go and sit down in frustration.

Downtime: I picked up a book. And then put it down. And then picked it up. And then put it down. Repeat cycle endlessly.

Illness/injury: Minimal coughing, thankfully. Toe hurts, but not much pain elsewhere, unless I count my right elbow, which is entirely green and yellow and still hurts with even the slightest touch.

 

There's a lot to improve on. Tomorrow is going to be tough because I've got a full day shift, but at the very least it means I get a chance to have two actual meals and might just be able to restore something of my sense of purpose. The real challenge is going to be getting out of bed more than fifteen minutes before I need to leave the flat in the morning...

 

[iatetheyeti]

Everything is exhausting and there's a something, I don't know what but a something, pinballing in my mind.

 

Food: Pre-work snack of a banana. Lunch was chicken and chips. Dinner  was more chicken, more chips, and some pizza, mostly because there was a plate of leftovers consisting of that with my name on it, and who am I to refuse free food?

Movement: Work based only.

Downtime: I haven't had any today, and I mean only to wind down for an hour or so now before going to bed.

Illness/injury: Coughing magnificently, bad toe is screaming, but on the bright side I was able to to kneel down and not have agonising pain in my right knee. No pain at all and only a minor twinge or two when I stayed down for too long.