[iatetheyeti] Battlemage Vol. I: Beginnings

[iatetheyeti]

I gave my mind the day off today, and it seems to have worked quite well. Sure, nothing of anything got done, but I feel a little more mentally refreshed and ready to head into tomorrow's arduous shift.

 

Food: Mostly grazing. My one 'meal' consisted of a couple of packets of instant noodles with a pittance of veg thrown in. Obviously not good enough, but a step up from eating nothing at all.

Movement: Not too bad on this front, mostly consisted of keeping myself mobile or not in the same position for too long, something my aching joints have thanked me for.

Downtime: Got my nose wedged firmly into a book and kept it there.

Illness/injury: Not so much coughing, plenty of generic bone ache.

 

I can see this going downhill already, but at least it's something I have actually noticed. Yes, I've had a few off days, but I know I can start picking things up again and making things better for myself. 

[iatetheyeti]

Long long long day. Unpleasant.

 

Food: Breakfast consisting of a full fry up. Lunch was veggie soup with a baguette followed by a large portion of sausage casserole. Dinner was a smoothie, didn't want to put too much in my stomach considering there's only a tiny window between me getting home and having to go to bed in order to get enough sleep for tomorrow's early start.

Movement: I have done nothing but move from 4am this morning.

Downtime: Nose is back in a book.

Illness/injury: Coughing is bad again. Feet and ankles hurt. Mystery leg pain is back and mostly focused below my right knee.

 

All in all, not so bad considering what I had to work with. Tomorrow will be better still as it's a half day rather than a solo day. 

[iatetheyeti]

I sleepwalked through work today. Maybe tonight will be the night I get more than an hour or so of sleep. We'll see. I doubt it though. I may be switching from opening shifts to closing, but my anxiety is doing some interesting things and I just can't seem to work through it because I don't really know what's wrong. Whether that's because of the sleep issues, causing the sleep issues, or just happening at the same time as the sleep issues I don't know.

 

Food: 1st breakfast was an egg and bacon pastry concoction and possibly the saltiest thing I've had the displeasure of eating to date, but I was hungry, it was free, and I needed to eat something before taking painkillers. 2nd breakfast was french toast, scrambled eggs, sausages, and beans. Lunch was porridge. Dinner was sausage and veg.

Movement: Mostly I've been keeping mobile to try and ease the leg pain, though today's shift involved almost as much heavy lifting and freezer tetris (with fully loaded cages taller than I am) as yesterday's delivery day did.

Downtime: Nose still in the book. It's the last of a series and I'm struggling to put it down for long enough to actually do anything. Including go to work.

Illness/injury: Coughing wasn't quite so bad today, but when it happened it had a distinctly chesty feel to it. Hopefully that turns into nothing. My legs have been aching badly since last night, enough so that I had to take painkillers then and again at work when that pain joined forces with a stress headache. It didn't really put much of a dent in it, though the headache is now gone.

 

It'll be a relief not to have to get up at four tomorrow, though chances are I'll still be in bed early tonight given how tired I am. I want to try meditating a little to see if I can't help myself figure out what's put my anxiety into overdrive this time, and if it doesn't help that then maybe it'll at least help me go to sleep and stay there for at least three whole hours.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Got some sleep, feel worse. Right now it really feels like I just can't win. Work being deeply frustrating does not help. Still, just got to get through tomorrow and then I can worry about how I'm going to spend my four days off.

 

Food: Breakfast did not happen. Lunch was an incredibly rushed pot of instant porridge and three coffees. Dinner was the driest plate of canteen leftovers I've ever had the misfortune to eat (chicken dippers, fried rice, chips), but I was hungry so eat I did.

Movement: Nothing aside from work, though to be fair that could be counted considering I was running about like a headless chicken.

Downtime: I'm very close to finishing this book. Won't happen tonight, but tomorrow for sure.

Illness/injury: The coughing is definitely more chesty and getting quite wet, which is unpleasant. Leg pain has shifted, it's now centred around my left ankle and creeping up the shin. Bad toe is bad. No headache though, which is nice.

 

Not a great day, all in all. I'm stressed and scattered and my anxiety still hasn't settled yet. It's actually at the point where I'm getting occasional chest pains and I still have no idea what I'm so anxious about. I've never liked guessing games, and this is the worst one to play.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Work continues to frustrate. What got me through today was sheer spite. Maybe not the healthiest of motivations, but it almost always works well for me. Point is, I got through, and now I need to figure out what to do with the next four days of freedom that doesn't involve losing my mind. If I can figure out a project then I'll be good, and I've already got an idea or two as to what might just do the trick.

 

Food: Breakfast didn't happen again. Lunch was garlic chicken kievs and chips, thankfully less dry and unpalatable than yesterday's leftovers. Dinner will be burgers and veg when it's done.

Movement: Work based only today. I've not long got back home and I expended my remaining willpower on actually ensuring I cooked something to eat.

Downtime: I ended up finishing my book yesterday, so now I'll pick a new one and bury myself in that for a while.

Illness/injury: I think my cough is trying to become an illness of some sort, but it's too early to tell what just yet. Bad toe is hurting quite severely. kind of feels like I got stabbed.

 

I'm under no illusions that tonight is going to be supremely lazy, and tomorrow may result in getting out of bed late because I refuse to set an alarm now that I don't have to. Kind of hoping that by the time I wake up I'll have a plan of sorts.

 

[iatetheyeti]

I have had one day off of work and I already can't do time. It turns out today is not Saturday, it's Friday. And the sheer amount of daylight is messing with my sense of what hour it may be. At this point I'm about ready to pack up and go live on that Norwegian island that's doing away with time. That's an idea I can definitely get behind... In the mean time I guess I'll struggle on until autumn gets here and I'm suddenly able to tell the time by the position of the sun. I can do it in spring as well, which I'm quite proud of (although I think everyone can do it...), but it's only useful for about four-ish months out of every year.

 

Food: Breakfast was a porridge pot reluctantly taken. Lunch was a shop bought all day breakfast sandwich, a teeny tiny packet of malt loaf, and apple juice. Dinner was leftover burgers with a massive amount of salad, followed by a fruit smoothie, followed by a large amount of honey roasted cashews.

Movement: I went for a walk. Quite a long walk. Seems to have worked out a few niggles.

Downtime: Walked and read a book. Admittedly a short book (300+ pages), but a book nonetheless. Also did some knitting.

Illness/injury: The coughing only flared up briefly at two points, one of which was around the bus station (which hovers in a cloud of cigarette smoke), and the other when it rained. We got a good few days of rain in as much time as it took me to enter Tesco, buy some tomatoes, and pay. It then proceeded to evaporate off the pavements in what was quite an impressive display considering the temperatures haven't hit the twenties and have only been as high as they are for today.

 

I'm debating putting up a challenge for the next cycle. I think it's the next logical step and I know it'll provide some extra accountability for the things I'm now trying to build into my life, but at the same time... I don't know. It's the isolation thing I'm so very good at. I do it IRL, and then when the time comes to actual socialise I handle it badly, panic, and retreat once more. And now although I'm here, I'm not exactly going out of my way to interact with anyone. I have a safe little spot. But growth does not happen in safe little spots, nor does recovery or anything else of the sort. I'll figure it out. Might not be next cycle (which is very very soon, I think), but definitely soon. And while I'm figuring that out, maybe I'll make some headway into what exactly is causing the rest of my anxiety. The alarm bells weren't so bad today, but I have yet to actually feel as relaxed as I should knowing that I have nowhere to be and no expectations to meet.

 

[Sylvaa]

7 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

I'm debating putting up a challenge for the next cycle. I think it's the next logical step and I know it'll provide some extra accountability for the things I'm now trying to build into my life, but at the same time... I don't know. It's the isolation thing I'm so very good at. I do it IRL, and then when the time comes to actual socialise I handle it badly, panic, and retreat once more. And now although I'm here, I'm not exactly going out of my way to interact with anyone. I have a safe little spot. But growth does not happen in safe little spots, nor does recovery or anything else of the sort. I'll figure it out. Might not be next cycle (which is very very soon, I think), but definitely soon. And while I'm figuring that out, maybe I'll make some headway into what exactly is causing the rest of my anxiety. The alarm bells weren't so bad today, but I have yet to actually feel as relaxed as I should knowing that I have nowhere to be and no expectations to meet.

 

If the idea of a full challenge is still a bit daunting, maybe look at moving over to a different guild for the next one you do. If socializing is a concern, the Rangers might be a bit much to start out with. Maybe take the next challenge to look around and see if there is somewhere else that might be a good fit without the traffic?

 

Or, maybe ask a few NF friends if they will comment on your battle log for the next few weeks to start the process of limiting isolation. 

[iatetheyeti]

1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

If the idea of a full challenge is still a bit daunting, maybe look at moving over to a different guild for the next one you do. If socializing is a concern, the Rangers might be a bit much to start out with.

 

That's a good idea. In the past I've thoroughly enjoyed the Rangers being such a large and busy guild, but that's probably really not in my best interests right now, all things considered. Might be a plan to go spend some time with the Druids, that's seeming like the best fit for both my current goals and my mindset at the moment. And it's definitely quieter over there!

 

[iatetheyeti]

Well. It's sure been a day. Turns out I had a fair few emotions to release...

 

Food: Breakfast and Lunch might as well have not happened, for the most part I have eaten appallingly and my digestive system is currently taking revenge. Dinner might happen if my guts stop hating me, and if it does it'll be the plainest food I can muster up.

Movement: I did go for a walk, though it was short.

Downtime: ...

Illness/injury: I'm not sure the raging headache counts because it's a reasonable assumption that lots of crying and not enough drinking of water has dehydrated me significantly. Currently in the process of fixing.

 

On the plus side the cause of this major anxiety spike has finally revealed itself (or rather, I've finally grown enough brains to figure it out after it's been brewing for, it turns out, actual years). I'm now in the process of digesting what is actually a truly massive change in my life. I may or may not spend some time working through it here when I'm done with the digestion process. Yes, writing it out and exploring things that way often helps, but this is an incredibly personal thing. We'll see.

 

[iatetheyeti]

One of these days, when I say I'm going to use an extended period of time off work to be productive, I'm actually going to be productive. I suppose I can't be too hard on myself seeing as most of today was spent calming myself down after yesterday's mess, but even so I can't help but get the feeling that I'm wasting time. Not just this little break, but this whole year so far. Six months, and what have I done with them? Of course, this could well be my anxiety looking for another thing to latch on to, and the passage of time is a well trodden road at this point... I think I'll just try and keep my eyes on the present day, and maybe the next, but no further, not yet.

 

Food: My guts still hate me so I'm grazing on plain foods (soup, bread, porridge) and trying to drink plenty of water. Only have myself to blame. I'm very aware that I'm lactose intolerant, very aware of what the consequences of dairy are, and very consciously made a poor choice.

Movement: None for the above reasons.

Downtime: Knitting and reading, mostly.

Illness/injury: Coughing wonderfully, still feeling it a little in my chest. Headache is lingering.

 

I have one aim for tomorrow, and that's to get my sorry backside out of bed before midday.

 

[Sylvaa]

20 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

One of these days, when I say I'm going to use an extended period of time off work to be productive, I'm actually going to be productive. I suppose I can't be too hard on myself seeing as most of today was spent calming myself down after yesterday's mess, but even so I can't help but get the feeling that I'm wasting time.

 

I just recently had a week vacation and I did nothing productive at all. About halfway through the week, I started to feel really guilty about it and I thought about getting my butt in gear and ramping up and doing all of these things. But, honestly, just giving myself permission to not do anything was so nice.

 

My point is, sometimes your mental health has to be the priority. And if not being productive gives you the time and ability to get your mental health to a better place, that is so much more important than being productive. I know it's much easier to say it than to do it, but that doesn't make it any less important to believe.

[iatetheyeti]

2 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

My point is, sometimes your mental health has to be the priority.

 

That right there is basically the mindset I'm trying to get into. I did need this time off, and I did need to do not much of anything, and I do indeed feel a little better for it. It'd be better without the guilt cloud following me about, but I'm working on somehow getting rid of that.

[iatetheyeti]

There was a thunderstorm today and I was like a kid at christmas. I did indeed manage to haul my sorry backside out of bed before midday. Not long before midday, but before. And as I was savouring my first coffee of the day, I heard the unmistakable rumble of thunder overhead and felt my mood lift so rapidly I'm surprised I didn't hit the ceiling. It was glorious. Thunder, dark and broody skies, lashing rain. Didn't see any lightning and the wind was less than howling, but overall a rather wonderful little storm.

 

Food: Breakfast actually did happen today and it was porridge. Lunch was sausages and chips. Dinner was meatballs with veg and rice.

Movement: Got some stretching in quite frequently throughout the day.

Downtime: Books. Knitting. Weather watching.

Illness/injury: The storm seems to have blown my headache away, but the arthritis is putting up a loud protest today.

 

I've started putting together a challenge and I'm fairly confident that by the end of zero week I'll have it put together properly and will very quietly put it out there and see where it takes me. Hopefully further towards actual functionality... My more immediate problem now is my return to work. I don't particularly want to go back, but the rent won't pay itself. So I do need to ensure I'm in bed at a reasonable time and that I do remember to set my alarm. Thankfully I'm starting off easy with a closing shift, my one day to adjust before being hurled this way and that as I do my own job and cover sick leave in another department.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Back at work for one day and already everything is going tits up. Three people out sick or on holiday, and nowhere near enough trained bodies to cover the shortage. So I'm running a solo day tomorrow. The fun!

 

Food: Breakfast was coffee. Lunch was canteen leftovers, turkey, sweetcorn, and chips smothered in gravy. Dinner is veggie noodles, something quick and easy because I need to go to bed ASAP but also need to eat something before...

Movement: Completely forgot to stretch and aside from work, nothing.

Downtime: What downtime? I'll read a little once I'm in bed.

Illness/injury: Coughing. Headache. Some alarming dizzy spells that I think are dehydration because of the intense heat (and not upping my fluid intake in response). Horrifying arthritic pain from the bad toe. It's worse than it has been for a long time.

 

In slightly cheerier news, I'm almost done with drafting out my challenge. And my darning needles arrived today, which means I can properly finish off my current knitting project when I get home from work tomorrow.

 

[iatetheyeti]

There is nothing fun about a 6am-4:30pm shift. There is less fun doing it after an incredibly restless and entirely sleepless night. There is less fun doing all of it in the midst of another heatwave.

 

Food: Breakfast was a paltry version of my usual work fry up, struggled to eat it. Lunch was soup and a baguette, also struggled. Dinner has not happened yet. I'm having severe difficulty in eating. It's equal parts exhaustion and the heat, and I know I really do need to feed at least once more before going to bed, so I'll try again once I've made a proper effort at re-hydration.

Movement: Ten and a half hours of being on my feet was enough.

Downtime: I may just fire up Borderlands or Fallout 3. I'm in that kind of mood.

Illness/injury: I'm not counting any of my work injuries from today, all are superficial and this time none are burns. Headache is present, unsurprisingly. Coughing less so.

 

Tonight I plan to do nothing put play about on the PS3, recover, and then sleep. I have tomorrow off, and I'm planning to go out and enjoy the sun while it lasts. Not sure on the details yet. I've put the finishing touches on my challenge and will post it tonight at some point, either when I'm feeling braver or right before I go to bed, whichever comes first. I also need to get cracking on my zero week tasks, namely creating my reminder system to ensure I stick to my goals. I do also need to put together a better system for dealing with this level of heat. Safe to say it's becoming the new normal for Scottish summers, heavy rain followed by heatwave followed by thunderstorms and so around we go. Don't much like it, but since I haven't yet had any success in controlling the weather I need to adapt to it.

 

[iatetheyeti]

I did not go out and enjoy the sun. The first time I woke up things were dull and overcast, so I went right on back to sleep. It was brighter on the second waking, but the desire to actually go outside had gone. So I spent the day inside doing housework, preparing myself for next week, and even going so far as to do some meditation.

 

Food: I grazed today. Eating is still difficult, but it's getting better.

Movement: Some stretching, lots of pacing.

Downtime: Various. I have had nothing but downtime today.

Illness/injury: Aside from the impact of the heat, my body is mostly quiet today, for once. Even the headache isn't as bad.

 

It's been a weird sort of day. Productive, but weird. It might of been different had I gone out the first time I woke up, but I did not do that. And the reason I didn't go out when I next woke was because it was later in the day, more people were out and about, and I couldn't face it. Part of my major anxiety spike recently has been about my body, or rather, what is sometimes frighteningly intense self-hatred of my body. It's new. Ish. I've been plenty unhappy with how I look and the extra weight I carry before, but until recently that never actually stopped me going out and about and dressing appropriately for the weather. Middle of a heatwave? Out come the shorts and t-shirts. But the past few months? Can't do it. I've been going out dressed in jeans and a hoody because the thought of wearing less where people can see me brings panic. It's funny, because I wasn't struck with that same panic during the two races earlier in the year, and I certainly had no reservations about stripping in the changing tent at the Spartan, but I don't know if it's because it was an entirely different situation or because of some of the things I've come to realise recently. Either way, I'm trying hard to ensure it's only temporary. It was that which took up the focus of my meditation today, and I think maybe if I keep doing that, and keep trying to get out early in the day when I know there will be less eyes about, then maybe that'll help bring me back to a more comfortable state of mind.

 

...but that will not be this week because I'm now working right the way through to some undetermined point of next week, complete with mismatched shifts and full day solos. The fun.

 

[iatetheyeti]

I did go out and enjoy the sun today. Kind of. Work was... interesting. Played freezer tetris on expert difficulty after getting in more of a frozen delivery than could fit in our two freezers. Then the bakery freezer decided it didn't like being stuffed to the gills and got warm. Very warm. Zero degrees warm when it usually sits at minus twenty. And all of that had a massive impact on me doing my actual job, added to the fact that the heat is still kicking my sorry behind. It got bad enough at work that I was dizzy, cramping up, and nauseas to the point of very nearly throwing up. But I hydrated as best I could, slowed my pace to a crawl, and spent some time in the one freezer at freezer temperature. While I don't feel 100%, I do feel a lot better now.

 

Food: Breakfast was French toast, scrambled eggs, and beans, and it went down a lot easier than expected. Lunch was something like spaghetti bolognese but with pasta shells instead of actual spaghetti, something that I'm usually very enthusiastic about but had to force down. Dinner never happened, stomach's been unhappy since lunchtime so I've been grazing in bits and pieces to ensure I actually eat but don't make myself feel worse.

Movement: Intense freezer tetris and an hour long walk.

Downtime: I suppose the walk counts, and I will have my nose back in a book before long.

Illness/injury: I guess I shouldn't discount the mild heat sickness, all things considered. Less coughing though. Hay fever is going wild because the council cut all the grass. Arthritic toes is intensely painful.

 

So. After starting to confront some of my issues yesterday, I ended up jumping in at the deep end . I went for a walk after work, and I did it wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I even stopped a couple of times in a very busy park to sit and just relax. And watch a bee flit from clover to clover for quarter of an hour. That was the most relaxing part of the walk. I won't deny being extremely agitated to begin with, and I did get a little jumpy and anxious whenever other people came close, but I did the thing. Having the right playlist going definitely helped things along there... That, and I kept joking to myself that the sheer whiteness of my legs would blind anyone who looked my way, thus saving me from potential judgement. I'm not sure there will be a repeat performance tomorrow, it all depends on how work goes, if the sunshine holds, and whether or not I feel like roadkill. For just now, I'm taking this small win and running with it.

 

[iatetheyeti]

This. Heat. Must. Go. I am neither happy nor healthy, and it's all (I think) down to the heat. We've just had the hottest day of the year so far. The humidity was such that it was actually difficult to breathe. Sleep is damn near impossible. Feeling sick and dizzy and muddled and worn out is a constant state. And it's not getting better. It won't get better at all. This is how we do summer now. It hurts. And I'm classed as lucky because first, it hasn't killed me yet, and second, I'm still technically able to work.

 

But I'm really in no fit state to start digging deeper into the twin black holes that are global warming and capitalism.

 

Food: Breakfast was my usual working breakfast, struggled to choke it down, but knew I had to. Lunch was vegetable soup, forty minutes to slog my way through one bowl. Dinner again didn't happen, way too nauseous for that.

Movement: Work based only, and even that felt like too much.

Downtime: I'm trying to summon the energy to do something, but may just go to bed and despair.

Illness/injury: Arthritic toe alternates between excruciating and painful. Did some research, turns out humidity is not so good for that. I did not know this, but it explains why the pain has been getting steadily worse over the past month. I count myself as damned lucky that I just have it in one joint.

 

I may be in a foul mood but the latest thunderstorm did put a smile on my face for a while. It was directly above the city, meaning there were some proper rolls of thunder. Also flickering lights. And the ensuing onslaught of rain was nothing short of furious. Did not cool things down much, admittedly, but the air is easier to breathe again. That's something positive, at least.

 

[iatetheyeti]

I'd like to extend a big welcome to my appetite, who is returning after a long absence. We've gone back down to more normal summer temperatures for this country at the moment, there is a strong wind ensuring proper airflow and thus making it easier to breathe, and it even rained a little this morning. I got caught in a shower on my way into work and caught some funny looks for grinning like an idiot...

 

Food: Breakfast was coffee and a pair of cheesy garlic pastry things. Lunch was a small turkey roast dinner (plus I did end up eating the checkout supervisor's lunch because she didn't want it, so two small turkey roasts...). Dinner was a significantly larger turkey roast with many, many trimmings made up of all of the canteen leftovers.

Movement: Work based only.

Downtime: I'll read a little before going to bed.

Illness/injury: The heat inflicted hell is slowly fading, the arthritic toe is protesting less now that the humidity levels are dropping (still fairly painful though), and my headache is not as bad today. But the coughing is back and definitely trying to get into my chest again.

 

At some point over the next week I do need to have a little think about how my tracking here will fit with my challenge tracking. It's pointless to be saying the same thing twice. I have some ideas, but chances are they'll be waiting until my next day off, which is Wednesday. Only two more days. I'm trying not to think about how one of them is an eleven hour shift. Just two more days, and then I can sleep for as long as I want and not set an alarm...

 

[iatetheyeti]

I am currently struggling to stay awake. And eight hour closing shift followed by one hour of sleep followed by an eleven hour open to close shift is... not fun. On the plus side we're still holding on to the lower temperatures. The highest I saw it get today was seventeen degrees, and the humidity isn't so bad.

 

Food: Breakfast was my usual work breakfast. Lunch was a two course affair, chicken and vegetable soup for a start, chicken and salad for main. Dinner was canteen leftovers, more chicken and salad. Post-work essential feeding consisted of a recovery smoothie and a sandwich.

Movement: Work was enough.

Downtime: I may read or I may sleep.

Illness/injury: I think the last of the heat exhaustion has faded. Now if only I could say the same for the coughing, headache, and arthritis.

 

An early night is definitely required tonight, and hopefully I'll get more than an hour of sleep.

 

[iatetheyeti]

There's nothing quite like that feeling of getting home after work to find out there was an explosion a few streets away that was serious enough for mass evacuation... I suppose it's better than getting home to another fatal car wreck, bar fight, or other form of grievous assault. The crime rates around here are, well, interesting.

 

Food: Breakfast was coffee. Lunch was chicken and egg salad. Dinner was canteen leftovers, this time mince, peas, and potatoes. Post-work recovery shake also happened.

Movement: Walked, plus work.

Downtime: Planning, mostly. I have ideas and I need to figure out how to put them into motion. But I will no doubt pick up my book again tonight.

Illness/injury: Minimal coughing, only a tiny headache, and mild protests from the bad toe.

 

All in all it's not been a bad day. Not been a great day either, but 'not bad' is kind of an improvement, so I'll take it. Got tomorrow off, and while I'm looking forward to not having to set an alarm, I'm dreading my body waking me up at 4am again because it thinks I need to get up for work.

 

[iatetheyeti]

I have used both my mind and my body today and it feels downright weird to have been so productive in ways that I both actually enjoy and that will be useful to me. I would also like to congratulate myself for dressing weather-appropriately for my walk, doing essential household chores, and having all three windows open so I can air out my shoebox effectively.

 

Quite a lot of today was taken up by me figuring out what I'd be tracking here and how it would be different from my current challenge, which by extension was also me figuring out first what kind of life I wanted to be living, and second what would be a realistic way to get there. It did involve meditation on some uncomfortable subjects and realisations, but I can't just ignore the things I'd rather not deal with. That's how I keep ending up getting into these messes. Ultimately I'm content with my conclusions for the time being. It's been strange to go through the goals I set at the start of the year, stranger still to go through every past challenge (I also cleared my google drive of virtually all of that), and compare it to what I'm doing now. It isn't that I don't want to achieve the things I said I did, it's that my priorities have changed and I'm becoming (I like to think, anyway) more self-aware when it comes to myself. It's not the easiest thing to admit, but a lot of those goals were set partly because I felt like that's what I should be doing, what was expected of me, and partly because I lived in fear of not being able to keep up. And that made it harder to even try to achieve.

 

At the present moment I am endeavouring to improve my standard of living and to actually enjoy said life. That isn't a glamorous goal or one that actually has a definite end point, it's a constantly shifting idea that stretches out endlessly into my future. It ends when I do. All I can do along the way is try.

 

Rise: If I have a morning shift, this should be 4am. If I don't, this should be 7am, which is early enough to cover both closing shifts and days off, and late enough to give me ample opportunity to sleep if I go to bed at a reasonable time.

Morning routine: The stretching is covered by the challenge, but the brushing of teeth and the cleansing of skin? That's here. Self-care with depression is often tricky. To be fair to myself, the former comes easily to me nowadays, but the latter does not and is needed given how oily my face gets.

Inactive hours: I am woefully dependant on my sofa. It won't miss me if I decrease time spent on it. If I'm using the PS3 or watching a film on the TV, then sure, sit on the sofa. If I'm using the laptop, well, I have a desk. I also have a little table that's the perfect height to be able to squat while using the laptop. If I'm reading then... time to get creative, I guess.

Illness/injury: Keep purely because my memory is awful and sometimes these things turn out to be important.

Evening routine: This is one I had before. The laptop will be switched off by 9pm every evening. After that I do something non-computer orientated. Read, knit, draw, pay attention to my poor neglected plants.

Bed time: If I'm on a morning shift, the very latest I should be in bed is 10pm. If not, 11pm, though I rarely get there these days...

 

Hopefully this should help me along with healthy habit formation and even creating as good a routine as I can with such an inconsistent work schedule. It's not an entirely massive change from what I'm doing currently, it's just a bit of adjustment and an emphasis on sticking to a set of rules I know will be good for me. So we'll see how it goes.

 

[iatetheyeti]

The only things I remember clearly about today have been my rage at senior management for using my freezer as a dumping ground for delisted products (and then being surprised that I can't even get into it when there are five cages and three trolleys jamming it up from door to door) and my rage at a simple metal baking tray. That simple metal baking tray melted part of my arm...

 

Rise: 0406, was not particularly happy about it.

Morning routine: Brush yes, cleanse no. In my defence, 0406...

Inactive hours: I think about two so far? I actually did a lot of cooking when I got in, so it's only been recently that I've reunited my backside with the sofa. 

Illness/injury: Oh, the hayfever... Plus the headache. Plus the cough. Plus the inch long, ragged strip on my arm that got subjected to one hundred and ninety degree metal and is currently weeping because the blister got ripped off when I got changed...

Evening routine: For the night prior. I think I turned the laptop off a little after nine.

Bed time: I went to bed at about 2145, it would have been nice to have some sleep as well.

 

I am definitely a grouch today. I'm tired, in pain, and my anxiety is spiking again because I'm trying to make difficult choices. Luckily, thanks to various shift switches and rota re-dos, I have the next two days off to calm down and de-stress myself.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Today has gone exactly the way I needed it to go, and for that I am extremely grateful.

 

Rise: 0930. I initially woke at around 3am, then thankfully was able to get back to sleep. I purposefully did not set a 7am alarm because i figured I might need more sleep. I did.

Morning routine: Again brushing yes, cleansing no. I am now employing post-it reminders.

Inactive hours: Surprisingly few so far. Four, though there will be a couple more added as the evening wears on.

Illness/injury: It turns out my burn is second degree, and through my own carelessness in looking after it, it has become infected. Minor infection, nothing proper attentiveness won't fix. Many of the burns I get at work are first degree or scalds, and they don't require much in the way of care to heal. Really, the sheer size of the blister and amount of pain should have tipped me off, but I don't claim to be the sharpest spoon in the shed even when I'm fully rested and unstressed (and I was, and am, neither of those things).

Evening routine: I think I turned off the laptop at 9pm last night...

Bed time: ...either way, I was in bed by 2130.

 

I have relaxed. I have walked, and in doing so had a kind of walking meditation that I absolutely must revisit and continue doing so until I can capture it all in the written word, or I will lose the plot. It was peaceful, restorative, and I am kicking myself for not taking a notebook with me despite the rain. Sometimes I have thought processes, and those thought processes rattle about until I can remove them (write them down), and then I can utilise them to move on.

 

That niggle aside, I do feel considerably less stressed and am aiming for tomorrow to be more of the same.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Today was indeed more of the same, and I am definitely better for it.

 

Rise: 0945ish. I will start setting the alarm at some point...

Morning routine: Yes!

Inactive hours: I think two so far? It's been a day of movement.

Illness/injury: The burn infection is slowly receding, everything looks and feels better today, and I've been infinitely more careful about actually looking after it. Nothing else of note aside from minimal coughing and hayfever.

Evening routine: Pretty sure I had the laptop off on time. I need to start marking this off so I remember.

Bed time: Early. I was sleepy.

 

Nothing really exciting happened today, but that was what I needed, just some time to recover properly and work on myself. I'm making every effort to keep this going over the next week, because after that my work schedule goes kinda nuts and I'll need discipline to help me pull through it. For now though, I just have to focus on winding down this evening and ensuring I'm not a zombie at work tomorrow morning.