[iatetheyeti] Battlemage Vol. I: Beginnings

[iatetheyeti]

I have done not much of anything at all today, and it has been wonderful.

 

Rise: 1130

Morning routine: It was afternoon, but yes

Inactive hours: All of them

Illness/injury: Everything hurts a lot less after that long, long sleep

Evening routine: Late

Bed: 0000ish

 

The most effort I have expended today has been getting myself food. The rest of the time I've actually been doing a lot of thinking/soul searching/you name it, basically looking for how to proceed from here. I even found myself some answers, which is both nice and a surprise. Tomorrow I will do something. Don't know what yet, but something. Much as I've enjoyed my lounge around day, I don't want this to be every day.

 

[iatetheyeti]

Today I have made and received more phone calls than I've had in the past two months. It was terrifying and not at all what I had in mind when I said I wanted to do something...

 

Rise: 1000

Morning routine: Yes

Inactive hours: Some

Illness/injury: Arthritis is reacting wonderfully to the humidity in the air...

Evening routine: Late

Bed: Also late

 

I knew it was going to be one of those days the first time my phone rang. Pretty much every call has been to and from the letting agency, and those that haven't have been to and from companies contracted by said letting agency. Apparently we've come up on a yearly check-up time for a number of things and home visits have to be arranged. Essential, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. As such I have spent time in between calls and playing the waiting game (for both calls and an official visitor who decided last minute they weren't going to make it) stress cleaning and doing some gardening, or whatever the short term for taking care of a large assortment of houseplants is called. Fortunately now businesses are closed for the day and I can relax.

 

Tomorrow is already shaping up to be a different story, but I will take it as it comes and try not to stress about it too much. This is supposed to be a holiday, after all.

 

[iatetheyeti]

There's one thing worse than playing the waiting game, and that's playing the waiting game with fairly life altering decisions.

 

Rise: 0930

Morning routine: Yes

Inactive hours: Some

Illness/injury: Not sure what's not currently related to the anxiety right now

Evening routine: Late

Bed: Late

 

I found out today that my landlady is currently in the process of deciding whether or not she wants to sell the flat. I found this out when the official visitor who was supposed to come by yesterday came by this afternoon. A property valuer, of all people. She did say that I would be notified when the property was put onto the market, but that was about all the reassurance there was. So, naturally, as soon as she left I had a massive panic attack, a full blown can't-breath-possibly-dying panic attack. I so desperately want this to be an overreaction, I really do. I want my landlady to decide against selling the flat. But if she doesn't and it goes up for sale I will have two months to find somewhere else to live, and with my current circumstances that's not entirely possible. Or at all possible, really. There lies my reason for panic.

 

I can do nothing but wait for a decision to be made.

 

And I hate it. I hate every single thing about this situation, not least my reaction and complete inability to somehow influence the circumstances so none of this happens. But there is nothing I can do. At all. Just wait and hope that at some point soon I'll have an answer.

[Mortimer]

Start looking around at the property market, and friends/family you can bum off. Looking at the property market will help tell you what kind of task you will have ahead if shit hits the fan.

[iatetheyeti]

13 hours ago, Mortimer said:

Start looking around at the property market

 

I've been keeping an eye on this for a long time now, it's kind of how I know that the likelihood of being able to move to another rental is virtually non-existent (and buying is so far beyond being an option it's a joke...). Quite simply, I do not have the funds to put up for a deposit and the first month of rent, never mind the other costs of moving.

 

13 hours ago, Mortimer said:

and friends/family you can bum off.

 

Sadly this is very much a dead end. I'm on my own with this.

 

If the worst does happen it's not likely to be a permanent situation, I don't think. The local council does have a duty to step in, but they also don't move terribly quickly. Say the worst happens, then I register with them as about to be homeless and they start checking out my claim and my background and once I'm out of my current home I go onto a list. When I get off the list and into actual accommodation depends on how serious they think the situation is. Could be as short a wait as three months, could be a whole lot longer.

 

I guess it's all theoretical just now as I still haven't been told if she's going to sell or not. I'm kind of stuck between really, really hoping she won't and also preparing myself for if she does decide to go ahead with it.

 

[Mortimer]

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. That's pretty much how I've been living my life.

 

Edit: Yeah it's illegal to be caught sleeping in a public place so I'd ask the local council where you're supposed to stay while they try to get you accommodations. 

 

[iatetheyeti]

1 minute ago, Mortimer said:

 What's the situation like if you need to camp in the park etc? Though with winter coming that is really going to be ><

 

With any degree of luck it won't come to that. There are a lot of hostels and shelters and the like about the place. If it does come to that... I don't know. I've got decent camping kit, and Scottish wild camping rules say I can pitch my tent on almost any kind of unenclosed land so long as I abide by the Outdoor Access Code, and there are plenty of out of the way spots just out of town. It'll definitely be a soggy experience, going on how our winters usually play out.

 

That is very much the absolute worst case scenario though, and I'd like to think that won't happen unless I also lose my job and therefore my means of funding my stay in a hostel/shelter if it does come to that.

[iatetheyeti]

This holiday really isn't working out how I imagined it would at all...

 

Rise: 1000

Morning routine: Yes

Inactive hours: Many

Illness/injury: Yes

Evening routine: Late

Bed: Later still

 

I wanted rest and relaxation and what I'm getting so far is anxiety and stress. I'm trying to fix it, I really am, I'm trying to calm my fears and get on with things. It's tiring. I don't want this to constantly be my life. I don't want this to be my life at all. But I suppose no one really has a perfectly peaceful life, no matter how much they might want or need it.

 

But I can't let that keep me down, or I suppose more accurately I can't let me keep me down. I'm the one brooding over this negativity, after all. It's happening. That's a fact. The question shouldn't be 'why me?', it should be 'what can I get out of this?'. Might be a weird way of looking at it, considering the circumstances, but I did not get this far in life by thinking conventionally or by continually giving in to my darker moods. It's happening. I accept that it's happening. And now I'm going to look for a way through. Maybe the worst happens, and I come out the other end with renewed self-confidence and self-reliance. Maybe the best happens, and I come out of this with more control over my thoughts and emotion. Maybe something entirely different happens, and I'll come out of that with something different too.

 

Whatever the case, it means I'm planning again. This isn't a nice, stable position that allows me to feel my way through the way I've been going. This is the kind of instability that requires forethought and preparation. So I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and make a plan instead.

 

[Mortimer]

There's a saying fail to plan, plan to fail. Shot can happen to anyone, and it may not even be that persons fault. My BF likes to say "Not your fault, but is your problem." When those sort of things happen the best is to make plans, so that if shit really hits the fan it's not a "Oh My God I don't know what to do!", but rather an oh, I planned this, we'll do this, then that...make the best out of a shitty situation. But yeah one might say I'm anal about planning. 

[iatetheyeti]

On 9/13/2019 at 7:00 AM, Mortimer said:

There's a saying fail to plan, plan to fail. Shot can happen to anyone, and it may not even be that persons fault. My BF likes to say "Not your fault, but is your problem." When those sort of things happen the best is to make plans, so that if shit really hits the fan it's not a "Oh My God I don't know what to do!", but rather an oh, I planned this, we'll do this, then that...make the best out of a shitty situation. But yeah one might say I'm anal about planning. 

 

I'm definitely in agreement with that. I have many plans for many situations, but somehow I did fail to make a 'what if I'm homeless all of a sudden?' plan. That oversight is now being corrected though. 

[iatetheyeti]

I had to take a small break because emotions. There was the panic of imminent homelessness, the absurd high of relief when I was told the property market was bad enough that my landlady would not be selling at the moment (but will still try again further down the line, so...), and the inevitable mess that comes with shifting between two extremes so quickly. Things are, however, more stable now, and I am taking a long, hard look at my future in regards to accommodation and ensuring I am prepared for every eventuality.

 

Not just that, really. I'm shifting gears and getting ready to tackle a long, lonely winter and survive the many issues it brings. So I will be making some changes around here, and they will be put into place before I go back to work on Monday. Just got to do a little fine-tuning first.

 

[Mortimer]

Hey yeti, you doing OK out there? 

[iatetheyeti]

7 hours ago, Mortimer said:

Hey yeti, you doing OK out there? 

 

Thanks for checking in  I'm doing better than I was, I'm just finding that I'm having to give a lot of thought to how I want to move forward. I will be back here eventually though!

 

[iatetheyeti]

It's time to refocus and move on, so that's exactly what I'm doing: