• Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

Shadri

shadri - all you have to decide

Recommended Posts

Hey y’all. It’s been a while. 

 

I had to take a break from the forums - I literally didn’t have the energy to spare to function properly, let alone maintain an online presence. I was in hardcore damage-control mode just trying to survive the semester and pass my classes. My first semester of grad school was, without exaggeration, the hardest four months of my life so far. Some life details under the cut:

 

Spoiler

There were so many factors at play. Moving out of state and living on my own for the first time - difficult grad-level classes - teaching labs for the first time ever - plus my depression got bad. Like, the worst it’s ever been. My mental health was on a down-swing even before I moved, so I began attending therapy the first day of the semester - I already knew I was gonna need help. But therapy wasn’t enough - the depression was getting worse faster than the therapy was helping, and it was negatively impacting every single facet of my life. So in October or thereabouts, I started antidepressants. It took a little bit of trial and error to find a medication that worked for me, but once we found it, I could tell a vast difference within a couple weeks. It felt like a physical weight had been lifted off my chest. I still don’t feel Amazing(TM), but my lows are definitely not as low anymore.

 

tl;dr - life is hard, adulting is hard, grad school is hard, mental illness is hard, I’m medicated now.

 

I wish none of this had happened.

 

So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.

 

I never want to feel how I felt this semester, ever again. So that’s gonna inform what I do with the time that is given to me, from here on out.

 

SO! I am deciding to be a healthy human, because I know that will help me continue to feel better. How am I gonna do the healthy human thing??

~ batch cook on weekends! Batch cooking is a lifesaver, truly, and I didn’t do it at all this semester. I need to get back on that, to save both my waistline and my wallet.

~ three physical activities per week! Yoga, darebee, go to the rec center, go for a run, etc. for at least 30 minutes. Theoretically M,W,F mornings, but we’ll have to see what my work schedule looks like. Maybe one can be on the weekend.

 

I think I’ll leave it at that for now. I don’t wanna put too much on my plate.

 

Other exciting things that happened during my radio silence!

Spoiler

 

~ I got to go to a twenty one pilots concert! It was amazing!!

~ I talked to a couple profs about possibly joining their research groups, and they’re letting me attend their group meetings in the upcoming semester to see if I like the kind of things they’re doing!

~ I got engaged!! To my favorite human/boyfriend of 5+ years/best friend since 2008 <3<3<3

 

 

  • Like 10

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Welcome back! I'm glad you got the help you needed and got some helpful meds. Also, CONGRATS on the engagement!

 

Thank you!! I’m glad to be back. I missed you guys. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Shhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaadriiiiiiiiiii hi hi hello heyoo Shadri! So sorry about your difficulties but SO glad you got some help! And many many congratulations on your engagement, mon amie! It's so good to see you back around!

 

Here to cheer for you!

 

tenor.gif

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK MY FRIEND!!!

 

Grad school is a huge adjustment even without the stress of moving away from home - it's a completely different way of living; there are so many responsibilities and you feel like you have no help or support for anything you do. It all rests on your shoulders. I'm so proud of you for getting the help you needed and I know that you will find your footing. Keep on being gentle with yourself and caring for yourself - you're doing wonderfully!!

 

Here to root for you all the way and violently spew confetti into the air to celebrate your engagement!!!

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Shadri I'm so proud of you for hanging in there and doing your best and taking care of yourself!!  Somehow we all made it through 2018 so that's gotta mean we can do ANYTHING, right??

 

( also following obvs~ <3 )

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Aside from the grad school thing, your post kind of feels like I could have ghostwritten it. Proud of you for finding help when you needed it and for taking steps now that you have the spell slots available to do so!!!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ahaha look at me not replying to anyone for way too long! back to my old shenanigans already~

 

Sorry for the silence! I love you all! I will reply to you all individually later today but I just wanted to get some kind of update up. 

 

I’m still at my parents house for the holidays; I fly back to my apartment this coming Monday. It’s been a really nice break to just... turn my brain off. I haven’t been doing any physical activities yet, but I have been playing around with intermittent fasting as part of my diet goal. So basically, I don’t eat anything before noon or after 8 or 9pm. (Not worrying too much about the strictness of the evening time just yet.) I’ve noticed that when I fast, my hunger is somewhat quieter the rest of the day; but when I eat breakfast (as I did on Tuesday, cos I caved in to the tummy rumblies) I’m positively ravenous the rest of the day?? It’s bizarre. Has anyone else noticed that? Does anyone know why it happens?

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

SHADRI <3 I feel ya on the mental illness thing. Bleh. I too have found myself medicated recently, and also have found myself in therapy. So cheers to that. 

 

And all the congrats on your engagement!! Enjoy every moment :) 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/31/2018 at 4:22 PM, Miaulin said:

Shhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaadriiiiiiiiiii hi hi hello heyoo Shadri! So sorry about your difficulties but SO glad you got some help! And many many congratulations on your engagement, mon amie! It's so good to see you back around!

 

Here to cheer for you!

 

tenor.gif

 

Hiiii Miau! <3 thank you!! It’s good to see you too!!

 

On 12/31/2018 at 4:28 PM, Salinger said:

Sorry to hear you struggled so much, glad you have meds that word. No idea how i would cope without my meds...

 

Congrats on the engagement <3 xx

 

Yeah. I’m hoping the coming semester will be better now that I’m starting to feeling better.

 

Thank you <3<3<3

 

On 12/31/2018 at 4:48 PM, Rinna said:

AHHHHH MY BAYBAY, SHEEZ BACK!!!!!!  

 

giphy.gif

 

HAAAAIIIII MAAAAAAAAAM

 

On 12/31/2018 at 5:28 PM, SkyGirl said:

I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK MY FRIEND!!!

 

Grad school is a huge adjustment even without the stress of moving away from home - it's a completely different way of living; there are so many responsibilities and you feel like you have no help or support for anything you do. It all rests on your shoulders. I'm so proud of you for getting the help you needed and I know that you will find your footing. Keep on being gentle with yourself and caring for yourself - you're doing wonderfully!!

 

Here to root for you all the way and violently spew confetti into the air to celebrate your engagement!!!

 

Helloooo!! Thank you so much for all your encouragement all this time, mellon nin. I appreciate you so much. <3

 

On 1/1/2019 at 11:22 AM, shaar said:

Shadri I'm so proud of you for hanging in there and doing your best and taking care of yourself!!  Somehow we all made it through 2018 so that's gotta mean we can do ANYTHING, right??

 

( also following obvs~ <3 )

 

Aye!! If I made it through the sh!tfest that was last semester, I can do ANYTHING.

 

On 1/1/2019 at 6:36 PM, Rurik Harrgath said:

200.gif  You're here again, and we're here to support you, Shadri!!

 

8Bzu.gif

 

Thank you, my oldest NF friend!!

 

On 1/3/2019 at 9:23 AM, Librarian of Doom said:

Aside from the grad school thing, your post kind of feels like I could have ghostwritten it. Proud of you for finding help when you needed it and for taking steps now that you have the spell slots available to do so!!!

 

Thank you! The more distance I gain from the whole situation, the more I am proud of myself too. I accomplished a lot in the face of great trials.

 

On 1/6/2019 at 12:59 AM, SkyGirl said:

tenor.gif?itemid=10354580

 

How was your weekend, Shadri?  <3

 

Slow and chill and relaxing and boring and any other adjective that implies me-not-using-my-brain <3

 

On 1/6/2019 at 6:54 PM, NeverThatBored said:

Welcome back!! And congratulations on the engagement!! 

 

Thank you!!

 

On 1/10/2019 at 9:36 AM, Rinna said:

Winnie-the-Poohs-Rumblie-Tumblie-GIF.gif

 

*rumble rumble*

 

23 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

SHADRI <3 I feel ya on the mental illness thing. Bleh. I too have found myself medicated recently, and also have found myself in therapy. So cheers to that. 

 

And all the congrats on your engagement!! Enjoy every moment :) 

 

Yeah... I hope it’s helping you too. <3

 

Thank you friend! <3 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I did the exercise thing today! Helped my family clear snow off the driveway. Whew, hard work. My parents’ driveway is so long. 

 

I also aquired a fitbit from my mom cos she got a new one! So that’s cool. I wanted one like this anyway. Glad I didn’t buy one myself. (I’ve had four fitbits and didn’t pay for any of them lol. One was a gift, one was a replacement from fitbit cos the original one malfunctioned, and two were hand me downs. Fine by me :P )

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Today I fasted till noon and managed to not gorge myself during my eating window, though my meals were not low carb by any stretch. I’ll start trying for lower carbs once I get back to my apartment. 

 

No workout today, unless you count my two bouts of ~uncontrollable sobbing~ yaaaay. It really hit me in the face today that I’m flying back Monday, and I won’t get to see my fiancé until March, and I’ve been at my parents house so long that I made a whole new normal and now I have to go back and make a NEW new normal AGAIN when I had already got pretty settled. That’s all been sorta hard to come to terms with. Plus my beau and I watched RoTK today and it’s been a while since I’ve seen it and boy howdy I had all the emotions about that movie all over again. And I’m upset about my weight. And I’m so afraid that things will get bad again this semester. And, and, and. Many things all wrapped up in this one outpouring of Sad. (I think RoTK was the sad straw that broke the sad camel’s back, tbh.) I slept like crap last night, so all these feelings are amplified beyond what they might normally be; but the fact is, it be like it be, and I cried a lot, and that’s okay, and soon I’m gonna get to sleep and I’m certain that will help me feel at least a little better. 

 

I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday to follow up about my meds, and I think I’m gonna ask about cough-variant asthma while I’m there. I am beginning to wonder if I have it.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Shadri said:

Today I fasted till noon and managed to not gorge myself during my eating window, though my meals were not low carb by any stretch. I’ll start trying for lower carbs once I get back to my apartment. 

 

No workout today, unless you count my two bouts of ~uncontrollable sobbing~ yaaaay. It really hit me in the face today that I’m flying back Monday, and I won’t get to see my fiancé until March, and I’ve been at my parents house so long that I made a whole new normal and now I have to go back and make a NEW new normal AGAIN when I had already got pretty settled. That’s all been sorta hard to come to terms with. Plus my beau and I watched RoTK today and it’s been a while since I’ve seen it and boy howdy I had all the emotions about that movie all over again. And I’m upset about my weight. And I’m so afraid that things will get bad again this semester. And, and, and. Many things all wrapped up in this one outpouring of Sad. (I think RoTK was the sad straw that broke the sad camel’s back, tbh.) I slept like crap last night, so all these feelings are amplified beyond what they might normally be; but the fact is, it be like it be, and I cried a lot, and that’s okay, and soon I’m gonna get to sleep and I’m certain that will help me feel at least a little better. 

 

I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday to follow up about my meds, and I think I’m gonna ask about cough-variant asthma while I’m there. I am beginning to wonder if I have it.

That's hard, I'm sorry. I've been there and know the feeling </3 I'm here for you whenever you need somebody, you're always welcome to talk to me if you need a listening ear <3

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/13/2019 at 1:06 PM, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

That's hard, I'm sorry. I've been there and know the feeling </3 I'm here for you whenever you need somebody, you're always welcome to talk to me if you need a listening ear <3

 

On 1/13/2019 at 1:06 PM, Salinger said:

Poor you :( hope today has been a little kinder for you xx

 

Thank you both. :) things did get a little better. I got to see my fiancé one last time after all; and it turns out I’d lost six pounds since the middle of December. 

 

I’m back at my apartment since Monday, getting settled and seeing various friends. Haven’t done any workouts yet, but have been walking places around town, moderating how much I eat, and have been doing okay on fasting (though I’ve given in a couple times and had a small snack).

 

 I finally got my work schedule, and I have Wednesdays completely off! Which is nice. I also don’t have to be anywhere before 11, except for Mondays. Also nice. I’m gonna try and get a morning routine going. I got a whiteboard and I wrote all my goals on there, so I can look at it every day and be reminded of what it is I’m working towards. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Y’ALL

 

There’s this band called half•alive and they’re my second favorite and they just released a new song and I’m in love already. Listen to eeeet. And listen to the rest of their stuff, for that matter. It’s easy, they’ve only got five songs so far. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

wow, incredible, it’s week three and I still haven’t done a workout yet~

 

I’m think I’m trying to introduce/enforce too many new things at once, when I’m already trying to gear up for the new semester. So maybe I’ll just focus on diet for now, and walking places whenever possible. 

 

I have been doing fairly well on fasting, and not terrible on diet. I downloaded MFP again and have been tracking. Not necessarily low carb like I intended, but I’ve been at the very least trying to adhere to my prescribed calorie count. Except for one fateful day... I was hanging out with my physics friends and had a few drinks and an utterly shameful amount of Oreos. 

 

giphy.gif

 

But it was just the one time, and after eating myself sick, I’m content to stay away from the junk food for a while. :P 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now