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Miau's Year of the Elf: Chapter One


Maggie-Miau

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Hey Mia, you are in no way a bad person. Ive had issues with my weight, long before i became overweight. My parents struggled with their own weight as young adults (now they are both very healthy weight) and they would sort of put thier insecurities onto me....its messed me up a lot and made me hate the way i look. 

 

Sometimes parents fuck their kids up a bit haha. But its ok, you love your family, (im sure) and having any negative thoughts about them doesnt make you bad at all. 

 

You can lean on us and we will guide you xx

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Oh Miau, yes, I get this so much!! So so so much! My mom's side of the family all tends toward overweight, mostly because we're all very small; and after I lost a bunch of weight in grad school, discovered NF and started working out regularly, every time she saw me she would tell me I was "too thin" and needed to eat more. So to a much lesser and not-intrusive degree, I have absolutely experienced some of those same thoughts. Including the secret terror that I will wind up as heavy as those relatives one day.

 

I agree with Sal, our family passes things down to us in weird ways, and I think many of us on NF have food baggage from our families - pressure to eat more, pressure to eat less, comments about our weight by relatives, family norms that we get shamed for if we don't uphold them. I've heard a lot of women talk about how their moms gave them a hard time when they started lifting weights, because it was something that women didn't do in their family, for example. Or heavy women who got shamed when they married into skinny / athletic families, and vice versa. It happens to all of us. A lot of the time, though, our families really are trying to say "I love you," just in ways that aren't helpful to us. I bet your family thinks that fattening you up would be a way for them to express their love for you. Worrying because you're somehow "different" than the others is just them making sure that you're getting the nutrition that you need. I know they may not have the nutritionally correct ideas about food, and the way they talk about your weight is less than helpful, but I'm certain that love and concern for your well-being are at the root of their comments.

 

Now, how to process those feelings when you are eating, is a different story. Even being aware of them is super important and I'm really proud of you for figuring out where some of those thoughts come from. One thing I will always reassure you of is that you would be just as valuable, worthy, special, loved, and important if you were overweight as you are right now. Your weight will impact your health, as you have seen painfully in your family; but it doesn't affect your worth or your awesomeness as a person. 

 

Hopefully this is helpful and not dumping!!  :D 

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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Oh - and I'm so sorry your mom got hurt!!! Does she think she'll need surgery?? Do you have enough help while she's recovering?

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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Thanks all <3 i'm going to try to reply properly a bit later on.

 

Mom's doing better so far - doctor thinks no surgery, but we have to wait another six weeks before he'll investigate further.

 

My only job for today is to draw up a schedule to help me get back on track...i've hit a downswing. calmer about it than earlier. i feel like my mind's getting worse as far as not being able to concentrate or think clearly, making everything seem out of reach. had some self-harm impulses recently and didn't act on them just because it didn't seem worth the effort. almost cried today, but felt ehhhhh...unworthy, i guess? like i'm too ridiculous of a person and don't deserve crying :lol: which stopped it before it really started.

 

but i've managed to get MyNoise to load and i think that's quieted me a little and could help to get some work done.

 

edit: finally cooked food today after two days of just cashews, celery, and tea (not because of the intrusive thoughts, i just haven't felt the energy to cook/prepare food) ...and promptly dropped all of it on the floor by accident. aaaagh. mom's nudging me to stir about but oof just not. not feeling it one bit. :P

 

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Matthew 25:34-40

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I'm sure things are terribly overwhelming!! No wonder you have no energy! And my goodness, having to wait 6 weeks until you learn anything more? That's terrible!! 

 

If you can, feel free to ask for help taking care of yourself if you need it - if your brother can bring you food or help you prepare it, or if your mom could help you write up your plan for the week while she rests, there's nothing wrong with needing a little help right now. If you have friends who could come over and hang out with you, that might lift your spirits for a while.  :)  I know your sweet spirit brings so much comfort to your family, especially when things are so tough!!

 

Love you so much!! 

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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On 1/22/2019 at 11:41 PM, SkyGirl said:

I'm sure things are terribly overwhelming!! No wonder you have no energy! And my goodness, having to wait 6 weeks until you learn anything more? That's terrible!! 

 

If you can, feel free to ask for help taking care of yourself if you need it - if your brother can bring you food or help you prepare it, or if your mom could help you write up your plan for the week while she rests, there's nothing wrong with needing a little help right now. If you have friends who could come over and hang out with you, that might lift your spirits for a while.  :)  I know your sweet spirit brings so much comfort to your family, especially when things are so tough!!

 

Love you so much!! 

 

*hugs* Thanks Sky! She's actually feeling much better already, and it looks like surgery won't be necessary. She's referred to the whole incident as a blessing in disguise and is now looking seriously at giving diet and exercise another go...we're all so so thankful it wasn't worse!

 

For food, the best thing i can do is try to batch-cook or get some easy-prep things. i have some weird and annoying 'requirements' i can't seem to get around that make it better for all involved if i prepare my food myself. :lol: As for friends, this might sound pathetic but my family really is isolated- we used to know people, but over the years some have moved and others have just kind of dropped us for various reasons, and the only regular opportunities to see people are Sunday mornings. But there's a distance, we're just There, and it's always been that way. But i love my online friends just as much as if they were here with me!

 

and of course, that very much includes you <3

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

January Score: ZERO, FAIL. OOPS.

 

Ummmm, had a pretty rough downswing the other day. keep getting the "oof not being alive would literally solve all my problems" feelings, which obviously doesn't fly because it would be super inconvenient for my family, and at this point my only goal in life is to not be inconvenient. Somehow yesterday in particular wound up being drifty drafty and i had a strange urge to look up some movies from my childhood, especially the ones my great grandmother used to put on for me. which had the, for some reason, unexpected side effect of making me really, really miss her. which was a weird sensation as i haven't actively missed someone so clearly in a long time.
it also led to the realization that those movies were a lot weirder than child!me ever realized.
and all from the same company. great grandmother must have had a catalog to shop from or something.

 

Spoiler

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Seventh Brother and Willy the Sparrow are the ones i remember the most, but Gallavants...holy heck, Gallavants was, i have discovered, its own very special brand of WHAT. And Scamper starts off with seagulls murdering a bunch of unhatched penguins as their parents frantically try to intervene. There was an entire scene of the penguin parents grieving in the aftermath and trying to cope. But there's a fluffy dog character so. that helped.

 

still on the subject of movies, there was one my brother and i used to watch, probably when i was six or seven, called Two Brothers. It was about two tiger cubs and i could actually remember most of the important details. found the entire thing on youtube and rewatched it for the first time in years, expecting it to actually be really stupid or bad or whatever but it wasn't that bad! it was very obviously dubbed, but it was a decent film and managed to get me all watery-eyed, which is rare for media. it was an odd time. movies, ruining me :lol:

 

But in other news, was able to get little EggRoll his neuter. The vet said he didn't want to give Egg back, requested one more cuddle from him before returning him, it was all super cute. Two weeks from now, Egg's brothers will go in for their shots and neuters, and hopefully two weeks after that, their mom will be able to go for her spay.

 

in actual relevant, ranger-y, challenge-y bits, i have my schedule written up now, and a grocery list for tomorrow (grocery day), and have made a list of Generally Helpful things and such to try to better manage my flailing moods. i think all the tasks are arranged in a better order this time.

 

 

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Matthew 25:34-40

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Huh, some of those movies seem familiar to me?? I know I've never seen them, but Scamper in particular seems familiar??? They all sound like they come from the unsettling late-80's period of children's movies like Thumbelina ...  :D  Watching kids' movies can be surprisingly healing when they're good! I love the Nest Entertainment Bible and history movies - they're super simple but they get me thinking and weepy every time.

 

*ALSO JUST A VERY TINY SIDE-NOTE WHISPER BUT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE INCONVENIENT, MELLON NIN ... YOU ARE WORTHY OF TAKING UP SPACE AND NEEDING HELP AND ATTENTION ... JUST YOUR LITTLE TINY DAILY REMINDER AHEM AHEM CARRY ON*

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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Things have gotten Worse with mom's knees again and we still have around a month before that can be looked into. Not sure how this is going to affect her work (should probably be off, but  literally cannot afford to be off) and it's all just a bit uncertain. She's back to crying when she tries to walk :( i won't be doing a challenge this go-around but will try to keep up with others' threads and such.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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2 hours ago, Miaulin said:

Things have gotten Worse with mom's knees again and we still have around a month before that can be looked into. Not sure how this is going to affect her work (should probably be off, but  literally cannot afford to be off) and it's all just a bit uncertain. She's back to crying when she tries to walk :( i won't be doing a challenge this go-around but will try to keep up with others' threads and such.

 

Oh Miau, I'm so sorry!! That's so awful! I will pray for your mom and for all of you - there isn't much worse than seeing your mom suffer, is there?  **hugs**  Please keep trying to take good care of yourself - the stress and the extra work helping your mom will wear you down. And please let us know if we can pray for anything specific. I wish I were closer so I could help you!!

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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Your poor mother! I'm so sorry about everything you're dealing with, Miau. 

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Gargoyle Ranger | Level 49

2022 challenges:  49 (current)

2015-2021 challenges: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 || 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 || 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 || 43 | 44 | 45 | | 46 | 4748 ||

 

My epic quest | MEATBALL WARS

You don't get better at anything unless you start doing it.

Being alive is heckn swell. 

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On 2/5/2019 at 9:03 PM, SkyGirl said:

 

Oh Miau, I'm so sorry!! That's so awful! I will pray for your mom and for all of you - there isn't much worse than seeing your mom suffer, is there?  **hugs**  Please keep trying to take good care of yourself - the stress and the extra work helping your mom will wear you down. And please let us know if we can pray for anything specific. I wish I were closer so I could help you!!

 

Thank you, Sky! :3 it's pretty bad...she's pretty much whimpering constantly during and several minutes after having to move, and by the time she gets home from work she's to the point of crying.  Our room happens to be in the very back of the house, too. There's therapy available that was recommended, but due to embarrassment she won't go so, until she's able to see the doctor again she's having to try to deal with it herself. It really isn't extra work for me, but it's just hearing and knowing that she's not feeling good and not being able to do anything about it that's difficult, and scarily reminiscent of how things were with her mother. Prayers are so very appreciated!

 

On 2/7/2019 at 9:51 AM, NeverThatBored said:

Your poor mother! I'm so sorry about everything you're dealing with, Miau. 

 

Aye, it's a bit of a downer right now! Hopefully everything will turn out okay though!

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

still probably not going to do a challenge since i sense a bit of gloom and doom on the horizon but life's been kind of...On Brand recently (though i'm trying to acknowledge the positives instead of just going "we're Cursed! we are so Cursed!")

  • Mom's knee is horrendously painful and my grandad's are starting to act up too - but they can both still move
  • Broski had a weird Episode the other night and almost had to go to the emergency room. Still don't know what was wrong - but he was fine by the next day and didn't actually have to go to the ER, which is a miracle because he's not insured.
  • On the way to work yesterday, momsauce was in a minor auto accident in the new car that we just got and is the only car we have since the other one was pretty much dead by the time we got the new one - but she wasn't injured and the damage was, other than a broken side mirror, purely aesthetic. it won't affect her auto insurance because the other person didn't want to file a police report so they Didn't.
  • Also yesterday one of the cats vanished and i was pretty sure he was Dead since it's not like him to stay away but then grandad got home and it turned out that this cat, much like his elder brother before him, had taken a round-trip all over creation in the engine of the vehicle. - he was, somehow, completely unharmed and, unlike his other elder brother before him, stayed in there long enough to return home. For some reason i actually cried for all of ten seconds or so when told that the cat was alive and (at the time) in the engine.
  • Got some laundry done yesterday. Yaaaaaay.
  • Made some homemade refried beans. Turns out they're...actually way easier than i expected and taste a thousand times better than the canned variety.
  • i have chickpeas soaking in the fridge right now to make my first batch of real homemade hummus with tahini and everything, since i finally found tahini in the grocery store.
  • mom's got me researching keto and stuff so she can try to get some expedited weight loss to help the knee situation, and i'm thinking of making her a sort of mixed up keto/whole30 type of meal plan but with a little more leeway since her food options are pretty limited as far as what she's willing to eat or try to eat. also thinking about making a similar meal plan, but a vegan version, for myself just out of curiosity as to whether the keto thing would improve my ridiculous moods or make them worse or whatever.
  • we've been working on getting the cat population fixed! So far EggRoll and Gray Major have had their neuter. Next week, the twins will get their surgeries and then two weeks after that, the momcat will hopefully get her spay. Her last litter wound up being five kittens, of which two remain (one died within a day or two of birth, then she took them all away and came back with only two, a boy and a girl. they're four weeks old now and will be fostered indoors starting next week so momcat's milk can dry up before her surgery)
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Matthew 25:34-40

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42 minutes ago, Miaulin said:

vegan version, for myself just out of curiosity as to whether the keto thing would improve my ridiculous moods or make them worse or whatever.

 

Vegan keto seems really hard! Have you been able to figure out meals that work for both?

Gargoyle Ranger | Level 49

2022 challenges:  49 (current)

2015-2021 challenges: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 || 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 || 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 || 43 | 44 | 45 | | 46 | 4748 ||

 

My epic quest | MEATBALL WARS

You don't get better at anything unless you start doing it.

Being alive is heckn swell. 

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2 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

Vegan keto seems really hard! Have you been able to figure out meals that work for both?

 

It really does, but i've seen some keto vegans around the internet and a few of them have talked about actually gaining muscle while doing this, which is an interesting prospect! The protein should be easy enough to hit with a smoothie...eating enough fat could be difficult, though. But i think aside from an experiment to see if it helps me at all, it might be good for mom to have somebody doing a version of this with her for some extra Moral Support.

 

I'm still doing the note-scribbling and recipe-shuffling but i'm thinking we'll start more toward a modified Whole30 side of things and see how that goes before transitioning more toward Keto, which is what momsauce is the most interested in doing.

 

 

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Matthew 25:34-40

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4 hours ago, Miaulin said:

Thank you, Sky! :3 it's pretty bad...she's pretty much whimpering constantly during and several minutes after having to move, and by the time she gets home from work she's to the point of crying.  Our room happens to be in the very back of the house, too. There's therapy available that was recommended, but due to embarrassment she won't go so, until she's able to see the doctor again she's having to try to deal with it herself. It really isn't extra work for me, but it's just hearing and knowing that she's not feeling good and not being able to do anything about it that's difficult, and scarily reminiscent of how things were with her mother. Prayers are so very appreciated!

 

 

That's a lot of extra strain though!! I will keep praying for you and your mom - and please feel free to PM me or any of us if you ever need to vent or talk about things! Sometimes you know you can't do anything but even just telling someone else how crappy it is can help!  <3 <3 <3  I love you and I'm so proud of all you're doing to help take care of her!!

SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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20 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

That's a lot of extra strain though!! I will keep praying for you and your mom - and please feel free to PM me or any of us if you ever need to vent or talk about things! Sometimes you know you can't do anything but even just telling someone else how crappy it is can help!  <3 <3 <3  I love you and I'm so proud of all you're doing to help take care of her!!

 

could you pray for us to somehow make it to when she can see the doctor again? the appointment isn't until March and tonight's been so bad i honestly don't know how we're going to last like this until then :( she's been crying for an hour and whimpers constantly there's nothing i can do to fix it.

 

Grandad has started to have the same problem, not as bad yet but. same leg. He keeps joking that he and mom are both going to be in wheelchairs like grandma was and i'd rather jump in a lake than even think about that.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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1 hour ago, Miaulin said:

 

could you pray for us to somehow make it to when she can see the doctor again? the appointment isn't until March and tonight's been so bad i honestly don't know how we're going to last like this until then :( she's been crying for an hour and whimpers constantly there's nothing i can do to fix it.

 

Grandad has started to have the same problem, not as bad yet but. same leg. He keeps joking that he and mom are both going to be in wheelchairs like grandma was and i'd rather jump in a lake than even think about that.

 

You betcha, it's my pleasure ... has the doctor given her any guidance at all on staying comfortable and not in so much pain while she waits? Did she damage soft tissue or bone tissue? Have they given her any kind of brace or crutches or anything?

 

I'm not trying to grill you, I just wish there were something more I could do to help.  <3  I will absolutely pray for all of you. And Granddad too. How awful that they're both dealing with the same thing at the same time.

 

1 hour ago, Miaulin said:

me about ten seconds ago: i'm not going to do a challenge
me now: actually a challenge is probably the only way i'm not going to be suicidal for the foreseeable future.

 

Whatever you need to do to keep yourself looking forward, you do that, Miau ... challenge, no challenge, partial challenge, mind-blowing challenge - whatever you need, you do that. We're here to help and support you.

SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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