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Mad Hatter

Mad Hatter and the Swamp Creatures

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5 hours ago, @mu said:

My rig is a squeaker.... And we have had some complaints (landlord downstairs)... although not immediately, because at first they didn't know it was sport equipment doing that noise and they were too embarrassed to say anything :lol::D

This is so funny to picture as a sitcom scene! The mortified older couple downstairs (I have no idea if your landlord is older, but that's how I'm picturing it in my head) thinking they just have to grit and bear the noise because there's no way they can bring it up delicately in conversation.

 

Also, Hatter, I'm dying at trying to visualize what a fish flop looks like - I'm sure it's a real move, but it just sounds made up.

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12 minutes ago, Mike Wazowski said:

Also, Hatter, I'm dying at trying to visualize what a fish flop looks like - I'm sure it's a real move, but it just sounds made up.

:lol:

 

Here's a random person doing it.

 

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5 hours ago, @mu said:

My rig is a squeaker.... And we have had some complaints (landlord downstairs)... although not immediately, because at first they didn't know it was sport equipment doing that noise and they were too embarrassed to say anything :lol::D

 

 

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2 hours ago, Mike Wazowski said:

This is so funny to picture as a sitcom scene! The mortified older couple downstairs (I have no idea if your landlord is older, but that's how I'm picturing it in my head) thinking they just have to grit and bear the noise because there's no way they can bring it up delicately in conversation.

 

You are picturing them exactly right :lol:  They are an elderly couple and slightly old fashion :P

 

My! that move! Splendid!

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Ooooh, it's a shoulder roll thing, cooL!

 

AND I MEAN, my valdez in my floor routine is getting a bit stale and splits for claps, etc. (whatever the phrase is :P)... 

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14 hours ago, raptron said:

AND I MEAN, my valdez in my floor routine is getting a bit stale and splits for claps, etc. (whatever the phrase is :P)... 

Exactly ;) 

 

---

 

Not a great few days, I've just been so very TIRED and I don't understand why. My sleep hasn't been the best but I've been sleeping enough it shouldn't be this bad. I've left work early both days because my everything had given up. Today looks more promising though, hopefully I can last the day. :/

 

Wednesday's positive actions

  • Morning acro!
  • Meditated
  • Big ass salad for dinner
  • Didn't leave the kitchen a mess (ended up doing that on Tuesday too because I didn't want my list to look so sparse)

Thursday's positive actions

  • Meditated
  • .....

Current stats

  • Eat 4/7
  • Sleep 3/5
  • Move 3.5/7 I almost forgot yesterday but I did a little dancing around before leaving the flat haha

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Happy Friyaaayyy!! 

 

It's been a loooong week but I survived. :P 

 

This past week impostor syndrome has been on my mind a lot.

Spoiler

Back story - my company has offices in multiple locations, among others there's HQ is in the U.S. and fraught with politics, then there's our office which is awesome, and there's a relatively new software factory with cheap and largely rubbish and inexperienced developers in Minsk. HQ is forcing us to work with the Minsk people, and hire more, but so far they haven't proven very useful and we're extremely wary of what will happen if they start integrating with our code base. This has led to a lot of bitching lately about incompetence etc etc, including from myself, and talk about what developers should be like etc.

 

And then I compare myself to the people in my office and get confused why they don't treat me like they do the Minsk guys. :/ Looking at my team alone we have two extremely senior developers that have been doing this work for 20+ years and have sooo much combined experience and understanding. And then there's another guy who's roughly my age but has written a frickin' book. The rest of the teams follow basically the same story. And then there's me. I like to code and stuff, but for me it's a tool and not my life's passion. I just really like making stuff and code happens to be useful for that. I've also only been doing this type of work for just under 2 years, my previous job was still software but really rather different, and it makes me feel like such a noob. I mean clearly they think I do good work, I've never gotten any criticisms about writing bad code or working too slowly or anything like that, quite the opposite I've been very useful. And obviously they haven't fired me so evidently they're putting me in the camp of at least decent developers. But it's hard not to compare and question. My office really prides themselves on having super awesome developers but I'm struggling with putting myself in that camp so there's this weird dichotomy in my head right now and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. 

 

Funny aside (if you're a developer :P- we're switching over to a completely new infrastructure and the guy that's doing the work uses me basically as a test dummy and has been explaining a lot to me as a consequence and talked out loud about e.g. problems that can arise and other good to know things. Which is kinda nice because in a way I think I'm more up to date than the two very senior guys. But it has also led to a friendly war between the (ahem stubbornly old school) "gurus" and the "hippies" that like terrible things like modern shiny tools and UIs. :D

 

On the plus side we got very, very tasty home made Afghan food for lunch at work today. :) 

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14 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

This past week impostor syndrome has been on my mind a lot.

 

Oh, buddy, this is one of my personal demons. :) As a matter of fact I'm giving a presentation about it at the end of the month, and I'm about to go take a two-hour workshop about it this afternoon to see what else new I can learn to add to my talk. Let me recommend The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women by Valerie Young. It's an easy read with lots of good advice for dealing.

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10 minutes ago, RogueLibrarian said:

Oh, buddy, this is one of my personal demons. :) As a matter of fact I'm giving a presentation about it at the end of the month, and I'm about to go take a two-hour workshop about it this afternoon to see what else new I can learn to add to my talk. Let me recommend The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women by Valerie Young. It's an easy read with lots of good advice for dealing.

Please share what you learn! :)

Thanks for the recommendation, I trust that it's good, but man is that title cringe inducing.

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Just now, Mad Hatter said:

Please share what you learn! :)

 

I'll be taking notes. 

 

Just now, Mad Hatter said:

Thanks for the recommendation, I trust that it's good, but man is that title cringe inducing.

 

I know, I know. :)

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I've always blamed my Chinese birth sign (dragon) for this split personality thing going on sometimes- on one hand being very insecure and very aware of all the things you don't know, don't do right etc and on the other side there's some arrogance with knowing you do something better/more easily/learn faster or whatever. The root problem of both is of course comparing in the first place, but if there is an off switch for that I haven't found it yet.. I have learned to pay it less attention. 

 

It's impossible to say any encouraging words about your work situation, because you're rightfully think 'what the hell does she know' and you'd be right.. but.. well two things; 

1. you're smart and I daresay you learn fast and probably have useful insights so see I said it anyway, haha. but you probably belong in the 'competent' camp!

2. ever talked about this with your colleagues? I'm soooo curious what they'd say. always interesting how internal image compares to that of the people around us. 

 

On 1/30/2019 at 1:35 PM, Mad Hatter said:

We started with the same reaction warm up drills - one person spins a tennis ball on a string and the other tries to avoid it while trying to get as close to it in different ways. Today we had an added twist in that for one of the exercises we were three people, one person spins the ball, one person closes their eyes and the third person either pushed the first person or used a verbal cue to when the blind person should go. Funnily enough I felt more nervous about the other person than myself. :) I was a lot more comfortable with these drills this week compared to last time which was nice. I felt I could get closer to the ball and "interact" a bit more with it, rather than just being nervous about getting hit in the face haha.

Ok I need some video.. it's just super hard to picture! 

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Recommended reading from the workshop today -- she also added Presence by Amy Cuddy. Let me know if you can't make out any of those titles/authors. There are a couple here I haven't looked at, that I'm going to try to snap up before my next presentation. 

qweK6P5l.png

 

 

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being a big friend to imposter syndrome myself I am not sure I can sneak this past your impostor syndrome but my 2 cents: not a programmer but I live with one and know a lot of them and tbh a lot of this is just advanced problem solving skills. you're a maker, you have advanced problem solving skills. you don't need a book or 20+ years of coding experience to prove that! THIS is why you are treated well by your colleagues. And critical thinking / advanced problem solving skills are NOT easy to learn, so that's the kind of things that code factories often fall short on.

 

1 hour ago, KB Girl said:

I've always blamed my Chinese birth sign (dragon) for this split personality thing going on sometimes- on one hand being very insecure and very aware of all the things you don't know, don't do right etc and on the other side there's some arrogance with knowing you do something better/more easily/learn faster or whatever. 

 

 

ALSO a dragon sign, also super arrogant and ALSO so aware of my own "faults.  So KB Girl you're probably right about that zodiac bit!

4 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

 

Thanks for the recommendation, I trust that it's good, but man is that title cringe inducing.

 

I'm imagining a lady secretly thinking of reading romance novels and eating bonbons.

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The computer science world can be pretty cliquey and contemptuous at times. I don't think it's its best feature really.

It is true though that there are typical traits that make a good programmer independently of experience (attention to details, being attracted to pretty and clean code, methodology, problem-solving, quick at grasping new frameworks etc...). It's probably what your co-workers recognize in you.

I don't know how bad the Minsk people are, some people definitely are out of their depth (cf Cirque Physio platform...I saw she was crying out for help on Insta). But in a company, it's also an indicator of very poor management if it keeps going on for ages.

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18 hours ago, KB Girl said:

I've always blamed my Chinese birth sign (dragon) for this split personality thing going on sometimes- on one hand being very insecure and very aware of all the things you don't know, don't do right etc and on the other side there's some arrogance with knowing you do something better/more easily/learn faster or whatever. The root problem of both is of course comparing in the first place, but if there is an off switch for that I haven't found it yet.. I have learned to pay it less attention. 

  

It's impossible to say any encouraging words about your work situation, because you're rightfully think 'what the hell does she know' and you'd be right.. but.. well two things; 

 1. you're smart and I daresay you learn fast and probably have useful insights so see I said it anyway, haha. but you probably belong in the 'competent' camp!

 2. ever talked about this with your colleagues? I'm soooo curious what they'd say. always interesting how internal image compares to that of the people around us. 

  

Ok I need some video.. it's just super hard to picture! 

Heh not a dragon, but I also do have the arrogant trait even if it pains me to admit it. :P

 

1. I know that I do. Logically that is. There's nothing throughout my career that has implied otherwise, and the fact that people I really respect want me to be on their team says a fair amount.

 

2. Not really no. I think I'd feel super awkward asking! I've talked to some of my developer friends about interviewing etc and they think I have a huge tendency to undersell my ability.

 

17 hours ago, karinajean said:

being a big friend to imposter syndrome myself I am not sure I can sneak this past your impostor syndrome but my 2 cents: not a programmer but I live with one and know a lot of them and tbh a lot of this is just advanced problem solving skills. you're a maker, you have advanced problem solving skills. you don't need a book or 20+ years of coding experience to prove that! THIS is why you are treated well by your colleagues. And critical thinking / advanced problem solving skills are NOT easy to learn, so that's the kind of things that code factories often fall short on.

All of this is very true. I just feel inadequate when my experience doesn't match. 

 

10 hours ago, @mu said:

The computer science world can be pretty cliquey and contemptuous at times. I don't think it's its best feature really.

It is true though that there are typical traits that make a good programmer independently of experience (attention to details, being attracted to pretty and clean code, methodology, problem-solving, quick at grasping new frameworks etc...). It's probably what your co-workers recognize in you.

I don't know how bad the Minsk people are, some people definitely are out of their depth (cf Cirque Physio platform...I saw she was crying out for help on Insta). But in a company, it's also an indicator of very poor management if it keeps going on for ages.

I've been lucky and I really haven't noticed. Oh wait I guess that's because we're the cliquey ones. :P It's just really hard to work with people that don't meet the same quality standards as we do. Especially when we didn't get any say in the matter and we're forced to work with them simply because they're cheap and work 6 days a week. Quantity over quality eh...

 

Yes true to all of that, all very important traits. I think the issue essentially boils down to that I don't like not knowing everything my colleagues do, and that I can't problem solve everything they can. I'm sure I could figure it all out, but not as quickly as someone with the experience. I do realize this is dumb since it's not like everyone even on my team can do everything anyway, especially now when we're changing tech stack, and it's not like it's even my responsibility! But it still makes me feel a bit useless sometimes. Yet I'm also not interested enough to do something about it and that also makes me feel bad? 

 

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy learning and I want to know what's going on and to know enough that I can effectively contribute and make stuff happen. But there's a big difference between having a professional interest and it being my life's passion where I spend all my free time writing code and learning everything about it. Even though neither passion nor experience have anything to do with competence it's still very hard for me not to compare... Even if it's apples to oranges.

 

I think there *might* be a few people that are teachable in Minsk, people with some kind of smarts but that write terrible or just very over engineered code. Then there's a lot of people that are slow and/or just not good enough that feel like they're wasting our time rather than helping. Before we didn't care as it didn't affect us directly, but now when they're going to integrate code with our code base we're going to have to take a more active approach and train the ones that can be taught and let go of the rest... At the office here we have a very low level of management and it's kind of expected of everyone that they can pick up what they need very fast and need minimal supervision. Of course everyone is available for questions and discussions, but there's very little actual supervision. So having to actively manage these people is honestly a huge PITA for us. I mean not for me specifically, but for my boss and CTO which are both on my team. Well, except for the one annoying clingy pup that has somehow decided that I'm the one to harass with stupid questions and opinions. Just because I was nice and didn't ignore him. :P (Incidentally my colleague is now making fun of me for being too helpful and putting myself in situations I don't want to be in haha)

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I'm talking about project management rather than coding help/support. Enforcing coding standards, peer code reviews for instance, some level of QA. Is it a team with an actual project manager or a bunch of developers put together?

 

On the other extreme, I have worked with a few people who were extremely talented and also very disruptive (mix of true passion, hardcore nerdiness and ... big ego). A somewhat “colder” expertise is not a bad thing. Different interests also bring different perspectives.

That said, you do still get caught by coding spells, if I recall correctly :P

 

On a side note, it could also be that those feelings are coming up following your high, when you were getting quite excited about new stuff, and now you are feeling a little gap but it has likely nothing to do with your actual expertise. It could just be the change in energy that makes self-doubt pop up?

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I'm so behind in your thread...

But at least a couple of comments: loved the fish floop move, it's kind of hipnotic to see it again and again, and yay for parkour private lesson!

You look so full of energy and enthusiasm these days :)

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13 hours ago, @mu said:

I'm talking about project management rather than coding help/support. Enforcing coding standards, peer code reviews for instance, some level of QA. Is it a team with an actual project manager or a bunch of developers put together?

I have no idea. We've met a few of the developers but that office is a bit of a black box for us. I know that they have a project manager in the U.S. but she's not a developer. She gets stuff done (good) by shouting (bad) and likes to cut corners (terrible). But the plan going forward is for our office to start managing them, because whatever they're doing over there is not working.

 

13 hours ago, @mu said:

On the other extreme, I have worked with a few people who were extremely talented and also very disruptive (mix of true passion, hardcore nerdiness and ... big ego). A somewhat “colder” expertise is not a bad thing. Different interests also bring different perspectives.

 That said, you do still get caught by coding spells, if I recall correctly :P

Luckily we don't have any of those people! Well ok maybe an ego here and there but nothing disruptive or offensive. But I get your point. I do however believe that to be a good developer you also need to be able to be a team player and have good communication skills, contrary to the stereotype.

 

Just because software is not my life's passion doesn't mean I'm not a developer. :D I still love puzzles and making things!

 

13 hours ago, @mu said:

On a side note, it could also be that those feelings are coming up following your high, when you were getting quite excited about new stuff, and now you are feeling a little gap but it has likely nothing to do with your actual expertise. It could just be the change in energy that makes self-doubt pop up?

Maybe a little. I think what's just brought this on is a lot of discussions in the office in the past week or two. But I think you're right in that I'm more susceptible to self doubt when at a slightly lower mood and this past week in particular I've just been extremely tired which obviously affects my mood negatively. I also think it's part of a bigger question though, the "what do I want to do when I grow up?" question. :P Which is a whole different can of worms haha!

 

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

I'm so behind in your thread...

But at least a couple of comments: loved the fish floop move, it's kind of hipnotic to see it again and again, and yay for parkour private lesson!

You look so full of energy and enthusiasm these days :)

Thanks, feeling pretty good too! :D (Well except this past few days.)

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Thanks for letting me talk through this. The more I think about it the more I realise how silly my thinking is. :P I honestly can't think of any evidence in the past 8 years pointing to me not belonging in the good developer camp. Quite the contrary. I just think that I could/should(?) be a lot better. 

It feels quite a lot like my physics degree. I didn't think I deserved a first (the highest mark in the UK) because I didn't study very hard. Which also makes no logical sense.

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On 1/29/2019 at 7:33 PM, Mad Hatter said:

I got so much more excited about the pole PvP and classes are quite expensive. Especially considering the large number of students and lack of attention. Instead I signed up for an extra parkour workshop and a hand balancing workshop next month. :) There are no regular classes that week since schools have a winter break, so for a while I was sad about missing classes. Problem solved. :lol: 

 

Squeeeee, this is great! You get all the fun classes on parkour and hand balancing and now we HAVE TO do that pole PvP :) Which might be selfish how excited that makes me :P 

Sorry to hear about the office frump (still catching up in case you can't tell...) 

 

On 1/30/2019 at 10:02 AM, @mu said:

+ points for using home toys that might be getting dusty

 

Oh gosh, I am sooooo guilty on this one :o 

 

On 1/30/2019 at 1:35 PM, Mad Hatter said:

 Except for a sort of side roll to side worm thingy for lack of a better description.

 

Best description ever :lol: we will need video now!

 

This is what I got looking for fish flop, now I am intrigued and can't picture how on earth you would jump into this???
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0_lJCzKYdI

 

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10 minutes ago, lucky fire dragon said:

Which might be selfish how excited that makes me :P 

Hey I'm excited too! I even had a play today. :D 

 

10 minutes ago, lucky fire dragon said:

This is what I got looking for fish flop, now I am intrigued and can't picture how on earth you would jump into this???

That's the move.

I... cannot explain the jump. It was... weird. Looked brilliant when he did it, but weird.

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I didn't feel like tracking stuff this weekend so Friday was my official last challenge day. But for the sake of completeness:

 

Saturday I did nothing. I had another night of really crappy sleep and the weather was miserable so I snuggled up in my dino onesie all day long. Ok I did do a bunch of adulting to make life easier for future Hatter. :) 

 

I'm glad I did, because today I woke up after a full night of sleep (hooray!) and wanted to plaaaay! Inspired by the upcoming pole PvP I checked out this new online class platform PoleSphere (it has two polers that I adore!). I was super cold so I had to do a cardio heavy warm up dressed in 3 top layers, long tights AND mid thigh thick socks. Luckily my cardio is so bad it gets me warm pretty quickly. :D The pole is impossible to get warm though. Besides the warm up I did the beginner invert conditioning drills, focusing on doing them really well. Then I took out my heels!!! I spent quite a long time trying to learn Lisa D's Russian exotic routine, this clip is pretty representative of her style, which I love! So I'm pretty excited about the lessons.

 

 

I didn't manage to go through the whole routine. It's only one minute but trying to figure out how the moves work and details takes a long time! It's A LOT harder than it looks. Especially when you don't know what you're doing haha. Also all those side leg lifts in heavy heels absolutely KILLED my side butt! Now I wish I hadn't stopped those cirque physio exercises after the summer. :P  

 

So that was a lot fun. I think I'm going to make it a little side project to learn the routine next challenge.

 

Today I also realised that a big reason why I've been feeling so crappy last week is that my flat is really, really cold. It's usually warm so I thought it was just me, but then I measured and nope, it really is the flat. And I'm a bit of a lizard, I only move when my core temperature is warm enough, if it's not I just cocoon next to the radiator and think about pizza. Or I refuse to leave my bed in the morning. Now I'm still cold but because I know it's easier to deal. By for example doing spontaneous dive rolls throughout the day. Sometimes I'm really glad I live on my own. :D 

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17 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Now I'm still cold but because I know it's easier to deal. By for example doing spontaneous dive rolls throughout the day. Sometimes I'm really glad I live on my own. :D

 

Don't worry, the rest of the family gets used to your weird behavior. I speak from experience :D The other day I was watching a video on my computer and started getting cold. So, with my headphones still plugged in to the computer I put the computer on the floor and did 10 pushups to get warm. The rest of the family just looked at me and laughed Rolling on the Floor Laughing

 

Or if I've been on my ass for too long working I might put headphones on and break out in a spontaneous ugly-dance to music only I can hear Note:P  First time they asked wtf I was doing. Now they don't bat an eye anymore :) 

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That whole dance video of those two guys battling is quite cool!! Not just their skill but also the creativity and expressiveness, wow

 

Your meditation habit is getting strong now, hey? When other things fall short, you still make sure to keep that one going. I am super proud of you :) Are you enjoying them a bit more? Any glimpses of rewarding? 

 

Just finished catching up on all brain blahs concerning working and am soooo glad you came to see light again! It's tricky to be self confident if you raise the bar extremely high, just because you could maybe even meet it :P 
 

7 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

It feels quite a lot like my physics degree. I didn't think I deserved a first (the highest mark in the UK) because I didn't study very hard.

 

There. That says it all :lol: No it doesn't make sense, yet if feels unfair to those who studied hard, maybe but then again you probably compare yourself to other people who seem to know stuff without having to study hard as well... when the brain is in this kind of funk, you can't win. Glad you got out again :) 

 

Oh and I know one should not judge a book by its cover, but I totally have to have "Taming your Gremlin" now :D
Thanks @RogueLibrarian

 

4 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Hey I'm excited too! I even had a play today. :D 

 

Heyyyyyy that's cheating! Just kidding, I'll have to catch up and am a tiny bit scared still. Like @zenLara was saying it isn't that tempting to pick something up again where you know you have to start way back again buuuuuuuut there is only way to go

 

Quote

 

That's the move.

I... cannot explain the jump. It was... weird. Looked brilliant when he did it, but weird.

 

You'll just have to do it for us and record :P 

 

49 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Ok I did do a bunch of adulting to make life easier for future Hatter. :) 

 

Kudos!!

 

49 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

I'm glad I did, because today I woke up after a full night of sleep (hooray!) and wanted to plaaaay! Inspired by the upcoming pole PvP I checked out this new online class platform PoleSphere (it has two polers that I adore!).

 

YAYYYY

 

that routine looks great and I want to play too now. But I don't have any wifi in my basement so it will be even harder trying to figure out which leg goes where from the video :lol: oh and I don't have any heels, so it probably looks a lot less convincing even if I do manage any part of it. Oh well...


My warm up onion layers might look the same as yours though :P Tomorrow I might have some time to play, if not Tuesday night should be good too. Oooooh should we set it up already?? You want to go ahead and start?

 

That with the cold makes a lot of sense. Could it be an influence on your sleep as well?

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