Reading Sign (ShadowSilk's Battle Log 1/2/19 through 2/4/19)

[ShadowSilk]

...a trail.  Faint, sure, maybe only a deer path, but it was a trail.

Slowly, she straightened from her crouch, turning to gaze at the track she'd left behind her, broken branches and already withering leaves and grasses marking her wake.

 

So I was once very into all this, but fell pretty hard off the wagon.  I'm starting over basically from scratch, right back where I was in 2014/15.  But I've got to do this.  I've got to make these changes. 

 

Knee-high mist shrouded the forest floor, and she frowned, reaching out to grasp a fallen branch beside her.  It was thin, dead and brittle, but it would have to do to test her path on the way forward.  She'd rather not fall down into a pit again.  It had taken her years to find her way out.

 

1/2/19

Starting weight:  261.6 (up from 258.8 yesterday, no idea why)

Current goal weight:  240

MFP cal. allowed: 1360

 

 

 

 

[ShadowSilk]

On track via MFP so far today, but I need to be careful -- walked about a mile and a quarter w/the dog and my daughter at the park, but MFP says it's 200 calories and the pedometer thing I'm using (Pacer?  Anyone use that before?) is at 140 or so.

Walked the dog -- there were a few minutes of heartrending fear when the daughter let go of the leash and he got away to bark at a (THANKFULLY!) fenced-in yard with THREE OTHER DOGS who were all three as big if not bigger than he is.  Again, luckily, they were fenced in, so it was just a bunch of barking and growling before I caught up and got the leash.  *sigh*

 

[ShadowSilk]

So yesterday, 1/4/19 -- I did pretty well.  Walked about a mile and a half with the doggo, but more importantly, I have acquired some of the gear necessary for my journey.  One new pair of shoes, and 3 pairs of sweatpants, came yesterday.  The second pair of shoes should be in today, and Monday, I can start Zombies, Run!C25K again -- just in time for the challenge!  Hooray!

 

Honestly, I'm not sure how well I did regarding MFP.  I measured up through lunch, but I didn't really have dinner properly.  Three salisbury steak meatballs and four potato cakes was dinner, and I'm just not sure how that would have fit in so I didn't measure.  I should have, I know. 

 

Another thing I have decided is that I am going to only weigh myself once a week.  That way I don't get crazy because I went up half a pound or a pound or whatever daily.

 

 

...the path widened before her, off to the left.  She could see the imprint of a boot, likely either a human or half-orc, from the depth and length of the track.  No true-blooded elf would step so deeply.  Well.  Wherever they were going was more likely to lead to at least a vill or settlement than the other way.  She turned toward the setting sun and followed.

 

 

[ShadowSilk]

1/5/19

 

The doggo is limping a bit.  I have frowny face over that -- he needs exercise, but I don't want to hurt his paws.

I went shopping a bit ago -- lettuce, broccoli, carrots, squash, zucchini, cherry tomatoes acquired, even though the friggin' government shutdown is going on, and even though I still had lots of stuff left from this week -- better to have it, I think.

 

Honestly, I'm not big on salads, but maybe I just haven't been salad-ing right.  I'm going to try adding sliced hardboiled eggs to it.  Maybe that'll help.  I do know that I need to eat them; a small salad before I eat an actual meal helps fill me up for fewer calories, not to mention my daughter's 12 and she has the same problem her mother has -- if she sees food, she eats it.  Hopefully, if I can get her eating a small salad before dinner as well, it'll help. 

 

Dinner tonight tentative plan -- salad, grilled salmon patty, grilled zucchini and yellow squash.

I'm gonna go make myself a salad for lunch now.

 

Breakfast -- ham & mushroom omelet -- 460 calories by MFP

 

Just did the math -- I'll come out with some wiggle room if I keep to how I've got it.  So that's good. 

 

I got some walking in doing the shopping, but depending on how the dog acts over the next hour or two, I may take him out.  I may not.  As I said, he's limping, so I'm concerned.

[ShadowSilk]

1/6/19

 

So.... After I posted that, I had my salad, then went to lay down for a nap that turned into sleeping until 1:30 this morning.  

 

Yeah.

 

So obviously I didn't have dinner or take the dog for a walk or anything else.  

 

However!  My second pair of shoes came yesterday, I have them on my feet right now, and after I drop my son off at work in an hour, I am doing Week 1, Day 1 of Zombies, Run! C25K.

 

I'm not sure if I like the Pacer app or not, but the pedometer app I used to use doesn't work on my old-ass iPod Touch anymore, and my daughter has laid claim to my phone.  So...yeah.

 

So far I'm good on MFP.  Here's hoping that holds.  Will update later.

 

 

ETA:

 

Okay so bear with me because I have to tell the story for anybody to get this.

 

So I went to the park in the slightly larger town that is close by after dropping my son off at work.  I was going to run around the walking track and do W1D1 of ZRC25K.  BUT!  The app wouldn't work for some reason.  Well, okay, I'll just go ahead and use the Pacer thing.  Oh, what's this on the Pacer thing?  I can record a certain time instead of just letting it run like I've been doing?  Okay.  Cool.

 

A crack echoed through the suddenly still forest, and Shadowsilk stopped in her tracks, holding her breath and dropping into a crouch, looking round warily.  There.  A decrepit waystation ahead, obviously long abandoned by whatever kingdom this was -- a shadow loomed by the door.  A shadow that ShadowSilk did not like the looks of.  Slowly, carefully, Shadowsilk turned to the tree beside her and began to climb. 

 

So at this park, there are pavilions near the walking track.  And...this is going to sound horrible, I'm afraid, but truth hurts; someone was lingering by one of the pavilions who didn't exactly fit the morning.  And I would have been the only person on the walking track.  So yeah no, I listen to too many True Crime podcasts and read too much True Crime to become that kind of statistic.  If I'd had my dog?  Oh, sure.  Because big dog would heave eaten them alive.  But I don't take my dog to this park, because it's too busy.  (Also he seems better today but I am going to wait one more day before I take him back out)

 

So instead, this park and the town itself has a walking trail that goes from the park all the way to a lovely little firefighter and police officer memorial by the side of its main drag, and I decided I would just take that.  No idea how long it is.  No idea what else is going on.  It's...there are areas of this walking trail that make me nervous, but it wasn't as bad as the other. 

 

I walked the trail up to the memorial, and then all the way back to my car, where I stopped Pacer.

 

I walked three miles in 30 minutes.

 

What.

 

I walked three miles in 30 minutes.

 

What.

 

I WALKED A FRACKING 5K YOU GUYS.

[shaar]

I've never used Pacer, but I just downloaded Strava and not sure if it works for what you want, but it seems pretty intuitive to me!

 

Please to keep us updated on doggo too?

[ShadowSilk]

1 minute ago, shaar said:

I've never used Pacer, but I just downloaded Strava and not sure if it works for what you want, but it seems pretty intuitive to me!

 

Please to keep us updated on doggo too?

  I added stuff as you were replying lol

[shaar]

3 hours ago, ShadowSilk said:

So at this park, there are pavilions near the walking track.  And...this is going to sound horrible, I'm afraid, but truth hurts; someone was lingering by one of the pavilions who didn't exactly fit the morning.  And I would have been the only person on the walking track.  So yeah no, I listen to too many True Crime podcasts and read too much True Crime to become that kind of statistic. 

 

Not horrible, but smart.  You never know these days, and trusting your gut is so important.  I would have done the same!

 

3 hours ago, ShadowSilk said:

I walked three miles in 30 minutes.

 

What.

 

I walked three miles in 30 minutes.

 

What.

 

I WALKED A FRACKING 5K YOU GUYS.

 

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! \o/

[ShadowSilk]

[ShadowSilk]

1/7/19

 

Weekly weigh-in: 256.2

 

Oh dear.

 

So I still have Shaar's Lifting Circuit (tm) in my inbox, so I tried to do day 1.  Yeah...I'm either much weaker than I thought, or I really, really, need to find the other 5 lb. weight that I have in my office somewhere.  I tried it with my 10 lb weights, because I could find both of those.  I got almost 1 full set in!  I couldn't do the bench press, because when I get on the floor, my dog comes to lick my face and find out why Mommy's on the floor.  But I can already tell, just after one set of the rest, that I can't do another with 10 lb weights.  Just no.

 

Plan for the day:

 

Take doggo for walkies (probably around a mile, mile and a half, maybe two)

Keep to MFP

Day job

Write

Work some more on these for my sister-in-law.  Except double stranded in black and yellow and it's the first time I ever knit anything double stranded and it's not exactly hard but the pattern is definitely off from where I left off and it's knitting up extremely thick, which is good, because they live in Philly now.  I may post pics later if anyone wants to see them.

 

I was wondering, since I was able to walk a 5K yesterday (and I looked up the mileage of the Greenway I walked, the entire thing done as a circuit is really 3.6 miles, so it was a 5K!) if I should keep to the plan of doing ZRC25K.  I think I'm going to, I'm just going to jump ahead a few days.  Easing myself into it isn't a bad idea, plus having a zombie growl in your ear?  Man, it will definitely make you move.

 

affirmations written

strength training

take dog for walk   (1.5 miles/35 min because my dog has to sniff EVERYTHING)

Day job

write (goal for today is just write SOMETHING.  It can be one paragraph, it can be a hundred words, but SOMETHING.)  491words

knit

MFP
 

[shaar]

Lifting and Pets is always a fun challenge.............

 

And yes yes, pictures please!!

[ShadowSilk]

1/8/19

 

Well, I did fairly well yesterday, but I didn't get the knitting done, and I didn't do a whole lot of the day job.  Need to do better today.

If ZRC25k actually frigging WORKS today, I'll be doing W2D1 of that.  If not, I'm just not sure what to do; today is the running day rather than the dog walkies day.  I also have to drive my son into a nearby town to get college textbooks for his dual enrollment classes.  So goals for today look rather similar to yesterday.

 

MFP

affirmations

Writing (doesn't matter what, doesn't matter how many words, just write)

Run

Day job (finish the second file today in order to keep somewhat on schedule damn it -- approximately 1 hour 4 minutes of audio, and it would be better if I did another 10/20 minutes as well)

Knit after dinner

 

Oh!  Also I cannot use Strava on my iPod.  I have an old iPod.  I did get something called Runkeeper, it had good reviews.

 

ETA:  Oh my God I think I had a mini-nervous breakdown discussing politics with my husband, but he finally, finally, finally, got me to see something I hadn't.  Look, believe me or not, I really don't care which, but I am a natural born Empath and because of the way I was raised combining with that...Gift...a SinEater.  (Narcissistic, codependent, probably bipolar mother with an Empath daughter?  Oh I was so tangled in her briars until I finally grew up enough to create boundaries.)  And I do not agree with a lot of what the current administration is doing, and I have been literally going mad bit by bit over the last two years over it all.

 

And my husband.

My thrice-damned, darling, idiot Scotsman.

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY, got it through to me this morning that I was doing it AGAIN, that I was taking the weight of the world on MY shoulders and sucking up all the worry and fear and pain that I hear about from Pod Save America and other various sources, and internalizing it, and making myself SICK.  AGAIN.  Just like I did with Mom, but even worse, because it's not just my mother, it's quite a bit of the entire damn country if not the world, and it's all just...hanging around?...like a spiritual miasma.  We haven't finished the conversation, we both had things to do, but it's a reason, and we will be talking about it more later.

 

Thank you Mary, Untier of Knots, for hearing my prayer and taking it to Your Son, who used my husband, even if he didn't know it, to speak truth to me and finally get me to see what's been WRONG with me the last two years, other than my own infertile anger regarding the current political situation.  Somebody remind me to get a candle for her.

 

So I haven't gone for my run yet, and my work is...not going well, and I haven't written yet, but oh dear God you guys I broke down into ugly tears this morning and I hate to cry.  I hate it so much.  I will probably go for my run this afternoon sometime but I'm not promising anything else on the list for today other than work.

 

 

 

 

...She could have kissed the hard packed, wide dirt road.  She truly could have.  A ROAD.  An actual ROAD, three wagons wide, praises to Alyanya, the High Lord, Elbereth, Eru Iluvatar, Vkandis and the Star-Eyed Lady!  Tears pricked her eyes, and she had to blink them away.  She glanced up at the sky, gauging her directions once more, then set off down the road that led to the East...she still wasn't sure what kingdom she was in, but roads led somewhere.  And she might not have actual currency, but she wasn't above sweeping a floor or scrubbing pots in exchange for a corn-tick bed and a few coppers.  Yes, she was ShadowSilk, dreaded whisper of the Thieves Guild in three kingdoms, but she also wasn't STUPID, thanks so. 

 

She walked the road the rest of the day, seeing no one, hearing no one, only stepping back off the blessed hardpacked earth well after dark, when she was stumbling with fatigue.  Off to the left she went, searching for a low hanging tree to sleep beneath; she didn't trust herself not to fall out of one in her sleep when she was this tired...

 

It was false dawn when she woke, completely awake immediately, and she knew something was...off.  Then she heard it.  Low murmuring in High Elven, low enough that no human ears would prick up at it; but she was no human.

 

"I tell you, the track leads here."  She sat up, one hand creeping to the rough dagger on her belt.  "And I know this track." 

 

"So you say, but there has been no word, not a trace of her, these last five winters.  I think perhaps you are allowing your heart to lead you."

 

"No!  She lives.  I know it," the first voice said firmly, more loudly, and Shadow froze.  She knew that voice.  She had to swallow several times, wetting her dry throat, before she dared to speak.

 

"A Elbereth Gilthoniel,

silivren penna miriel,

O menel aglar elenath!"

 

She sang, and both voices stopped before hurried light footsteps came closer, three -- no, four sets of them, one a half-elf, she was sure of it.  Their step was heavier.  A word was spoken, and a soft, silvery light began to glow about them.

 

ShadowSilk looked up into Shaarawy's face, and burst into tears.

 

[ShadowSilk]

1/8/19 cont.

 

I did try to do the ZRC25K W2D1 thing.  Got halfway through it before my shin cramps/splints decided to scream loud enough that I gave up.

Today has not been productive.  The whole mini-breakdown has had me off.  I am having comfort food (stew beef, mushrooms, and rice) for dinner.  I think I should be okay MFP wise -- I still had 1K left.

 

So.

 

I'm not giving up, I'm just having a day.  Tomorrow will be another chance to do better.

[ShadowSilk]

1/9/19

 

1:00 in the morning.

1:00 in the morning.

My friggin' kid woke me up because of a friggin' clog in the friggin' hall bathroom at 1:00 in the friggin' morning.

 

Can you tell how THRILLED I am about this?

 

And so Scotsman and I have been up and dealing with this SINCE 1:00 in the morning, off and on.  It wouldn't plunge out, so we tried a few things we found on YouTube.  We're very close to having it beat, but it's just bloody friggin' annoying.

 

I'm making spaghetti for everyone else tonight for dinner, I'm having leftovers from yesterday (beef stew meat, rice, mushrooms, mixed with cream of mushroom & cream of celery soups).  Rice isn't a GREAT choice for me, but it's better than spaghetti.  Besides, I love this stuff.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to start over on ZRc25K.  The W2D1 workout yesterday aggravated the shit out of my shins -- I bought brand new walking/running shoes just because I very easily get really bad cramps in my shins.  Today, I'm going to walk the dog around the block.  I'm trying to be careful of gas due to the shutdown, because I sincerely doubt that my husband gets paid Saturday, so I'm not going to the park.

 

Writing went right out the window yesterday, and probably will again today; that mini-breakdown did me no good whatsoever work wise, either.

 

affirmations

walking

work

 

That's all I've got in me today, I'm afraid.  I'm not going to overeat, I'm going to pay careful attention to my body, but I just can't today.

 

[shaar]

<333333333

 

+10 motivation for shaar to write something today ACTIVATED

 

 

 

Thing the 1st: Hello fellow empath, carer-of-everyone-but-themselves-at-times, mourner of life as a whole, egregious hand-holder and well wisher.... yeah.  I get it. Big time.  The previous relationship I left recently was this to a T, and it's hard to REALIZE unless someone gets in your face and is like... "Dude, really? You can't fix everything, ok? So let it go..."  Phew.

 

Ugly crying is great catharsis IMO~

 

Thing the 2nd: GIMME A GODDAMN BREAK TOILET LIKE THIS IS THE WORST TIME FOR YOU TO UP AND ACT A FOOL~

 

Thing the 3rd: Some days just surviving is the biggest victory you can hope for... been there, felt that.  I'm proud of you for realizing that and not trying to push yourself.  Internalized kindness, always~

 

 

[ShadowSilk]

15 minutes ago, shaar said:

<333333333

 

+10 motivation for shaar to write something today ACTIVATED

 

I love you, too, mellon-nin.  I am very glad that you like what I wrote. 

 

 

 

Thing the 1st: Hello fellow empath, carer-of-everyone-but-themselves-at-times, mourner of life as a whole, egregious hand-holder and well wisher.... yeah.  I get it. Big time.  The previous relationship I left recently was this to a T, and it's hard to REALIZE unless someone gets in your face and is like... "Dude, really? You can't fix everything, ok? So let it go..."  Phew.

 

Ugly crying is great catharsis IMO~

 

Yeah...it's fucking hard.  I've all but just become a recluse at this point.  I can't take it.  I used to have semi-decent shields, but even going to the grocery store these days is just draining.

 

15 minutes ago, shaar said:

 

Thing the 2nd: GIMME A GODDAMN BREAK TOILET LIKE THIS IS THE WORST TIME FOR YOU TO UP AND ACT A FOOL~

 

Thing the 3rd: Some days just surviving is the biggest victory you can hope for... been there, felt that.  I'm proud of you for realizing that and not trying to push yourself.  Internalized kindness, always~

 

 

 

The Scotsman has gone out to get more vinegar and baking soda for us to try to power through the clog, if it doesn't work then I guess we're either going to Home Depot or calling my dad to get a drain snake. 

 

That is fairly well where I am right now.    I'm concentrating on rebuilding myself, and that includes my MENTAL as well as my PHYSICAL health.  So today is going to be a lighter day than most.  So what?  I'm not STOPPING, I'm just stepping it back for a bit.  All progress is progress. 

[shaar]

2 minutes ago, ShadowSilk said:

but even going to the grocery store these days is just draining.

 

Phewwww if I'm having a DAY this is A Think that just elevates me to Donezo Level 100.  When you don't wanna deal with people but there are people everywhere..........................

 

3 minutes ago, ShadowSilk said:

  So what?  I'm not STOPPING, I'm just stepping it back for a bit.  All progress is progress. 

 

THIS IS SO PERFECT right here, so perfect.  Knowing when to be kind to yourself and go low-key for a few days is HUGE progress!

[ShadowSilk]

1/9/19 continued:

 

THE TERLET FLUSHES AGAIN HALLELUJAH!

 

Walk accomplished, but cut short.  Someone else had their dog at the park, and was taking our usual route, so we took a short cut back to the car.  Yeah, I went ahead and took him to the park.  He loves it so much, I couldn't bear not to.

 

Here's hoping tomorrow does not suck -- my work mojo is just like, O wat you wanted me?  Sorry I'm in Tahiti (it's a magical place).  So I've got W1D1 of ZRC25K to do plus catching up all the work and there is quite a damn bit of it.

 

Here's hoping.  Anyway, I have to go make spaghetti now for everyone else.  I'm still full from lunch, so if I eat, it'll be late.

[ShadowSilk]

I absolutely HAVE to stay on track with work today.  HAVE TO.

 

Because, if you couldn't tell from my earlier posts, Scotsman is a federal employee, and his department is one of those affected by the shutdown...so my job is all we've got right now.  And even my job, if the feds don't get their thumbs out of their butts, is under the gun -- we do a lot of transcripts for the feds.

 

I'm planning on my walk/run for about mid-afternoon, before my daughter gets home from school.  ZRC25K, Week 1, Day 1.  As I said the other day, week 2 day 1 -- or was it week 3 -- was just too much for my shins.  I hate getting shin splints so easily, but it is what it is, I guess.

 

Making a HUGE ham for dinner -- whole hams have been on sale at a local store, I bought a 20 pound ham for $25 and I can get at least three or four meals out of it, I know.

 

Other than that, back to the grindstone.

 

Shaar, after seeing your video, I really am thinking about downloading the free trial.  FF14, you said?

 

[shaar]

FFXIV, yes yes!  It's so fun and lovely and fun and FUN.  The lore and storyline is great.

 

My home server is Balmung but it's always overpopulated and closed off for new characters. ( They DO open the world for transfers sometimes though... rarely. )  But, I think they've just introduced a new thing in the recent patch where, no matter what server you make your character on, I can visit your server (and vice versa) and we can play together!  We can also friend each other cross-server too! ^__^  

 

That being said, I'm not sure how many of these features are neutered in the trial version, but let me know!!

[ShadowSilk]

1/11/19

 

Working.

[ShadowSilk]

1/12/19

 

Good news:

the ladies who run my main contract are pushing my paychecks forward, and are doing their best to ensure that I get as much work as possible.  So now I have 3.5 hours of audio due Tuesday evening -- the goal is to get it done by Monday evening so I can audio proof on Tuesday.

 

I didn't do anything yesterday, which confused my dog; he wanted to go out, and saw me getting my shoes on and thought we were going out, and poor puppy.  So I am taking him out this afternoon if the weather holds. 

 

I'm not going to push anything walking/exercise wise until the weather clears up.  We're expecting a lot of rain and cold over the next few days.

I did kind of fall off the modified primal wagon Wednesday, hell, I fell off the wagon period, because all I ate Wednesday was the mushroom rice stuff.

Thursday I made that huge ass ham, and yesterday, all I had was ham and eggs, so I'm back on it.  I just have to get back in the habit of measuring my food.  I was doing so well, too.

Also I am already tired of steaming veg and salad.  I know, I know.  But you know what the definition of insanity is?  Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result.  I'm just not that big into salad!  Never have been!  Never will be!  I know this for a fact.  So I need to figure something out.

 

I am moving my Total Gym into the living room today or tomorrow and getting it set up again.  Our Total Gym -- we've had it literally FOREVER -- is great when I use it.  Period. 

 

So Week 1:  I would give myself probably a B minus.  I did get the low goal of writing done, but I didn't touch my knitting, I did work out more than I didn't, but I didn't do more than one day of strength training and I didn't log my food every single day.  I'm under a LOT of stress right now, yes, I had that mini-breakdown on Wednesday morning, I'm not making excuses, I'm stating facts. 

 

I'm NOT sneaking to fast food places and binging, though, which is good.  I'm NOT giving up.  I'm just looking at things realistically and trying to figure out a different plan of attack.

 

 

[ShadowSilk]

GAH.  GAH.  GAH.

 

Work.  Work.  Work.  That's literally all I can do right now and literally I can't not and I am GRATEFUL, SO GRATEFUL, TO HAVE WORK.

At the same time, both the exec & the legis branches are getting ALL MY SIDE-EYE.

Y U WANT 2 MAKE MY LIFE HARD TURTLE MAN?

Friggin' McConnell. 

[shaar]

WORK WORK WORK

WORK WORK WORK

 

It is a good thing but also a AAAAUGH thing!!

 

Glad you are getting that moneys though.  The more I hear about these poor furloughed employees the more terrible I feel....

[ShadowSilk]

GAH.  Just GAH.

 

Okay, my getting anything done other than just staying away from bread and pasta (or as far away as I can stay) until this is over is just not working out.  If I'm not working, I'm drowning myself in fic or mindless vidya games -- stupid little slot games & whatnot so I don't have to think.