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Teros

Teros Level 50&51&52&53: The Hall of Memories

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That nightmare sounds awful. But I agree that the signs pointing to stop or suffer the consequences means something, especially given the things that have been harping recently. 

 

A good starter instrument is one that has a lot of translatable skills to the other ones you want to learn. Piano is always a good one because you get to practice learning music in both the bass and treble clef. It’s just as easy to play high as it is low, as opposed to wind instruments that are more different to play on the extremes of their range. You can easily learn ful scales and music theory and hear it played along with seeing a physical representation of the notes beyond just the written music.

 

The guitar is a solid starter to learn most strumming string instruments, including the bass. I learned the bass pretty easily after playing the guitar for 4 years. And the 8 years of piano I had made reading music easy for everything. 

 

If you wanted to learn brass instruments, I’d recommend the trumpet. Woodwind, I’d suggest a clarinet or alto sax. Drums, I’d suggest focusing on the simple snare before graduating to a full kit. All those give you basic, translatable skills for other instruments in their families. 

 

The young/old feeling has hit me before too. But never this hard. 

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On 2/20/2019 at 3:37 AM, Teros said:

Travel to Canada

-Travel to Germany

-Travel to France

-Travel to Ireland/Scotland/England

-Travel to Greece

-Travel to Sweden

-Travel to Belgium

-Travel to New Zealand

-Travel to Australia

-Travel to Japan

If you ever decide to visit Beijing, let me know.  I'd be happy to show you around :) 

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On 2/19/2019 at 6:49 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That nightmare sounds terrifying. I've said very little about you having BPD because my exwife has it, and I don't want to project any of my feelings about her on to you. I will say though, that identity issues are not uncommon with people who have BPD (pwBPD as an acronym will make this post easier). pwBPD sometimes get their identity from those they are around, which is part of why some pwBPD don't like being alone. I don't know how all that plays out for you. It's possible part of the extra grief with losing your mom is that, as negative as that relationship was, part of your identity was derived from you-in-relation-to-your-mom. If that's the case, losing her in a sense is losing a part of yourself. Again, this is all speculation, and I offer it as food for thought. 

 

Understandable.  I think that I have a....complicated mess of BPD because of my actual personality.

 

According to Myer-Briggs, I've been an INTJ my entire life, every time I tested myself.  There are certain traits about me that I hate which are very ANTI-INTJ, and they are the criteria for BPD.  When I talk at length about the whole 'Teros vs Old Mike/Dark Passanger' dynamic, what I'm also talking about is 'True INTJ Self VS Borderline Personality Disorder'.

 

Criteria:

1-Real or imagined sense of abandonment.

2-Unstable/Intense personal relationships characterized by idealization and devaluation (splitting or black&white thinking)

3-Identity Disturbance: persistently unstable sense of self.

4-Recurrent suicidal behavior/risky behavior (substance abuse/unsafe sex/reckless driving, etc)

5-Emotional instability in reaction to events

6-Chronic feelings of emptiness

7-Inappropriate anger/intense anger

8-Paranoid ideation/dissociative symptoms

9-Impulsive behavior

 

This is in stark contrast to being an INTJ:

1-Introversion- get motivation from the self and being social is draining.

2-iNtuitive- connecting trends and patterns to create systems, as well as playing devil's advocate.

3-Thinking - Objective truths, logical principles, deductive reasoning

4-Judging- Blunt, harsh, living in a structured way, self-control and discipline

-----

 

This is why there is sort of duality to me that I hate.  I want to be just an INTJ, not INTJ+BPD.  For instance, INTJ would be introverted and being social is draining.  My BPD creates real or imagined sense of abandonment so I desperately cling to people and also have intense and unstable relationships which is further draining but I'm compelled to keep dealing with it.  You can see how this is extremely inefficient for me (also contrasting to my INTJ's 'J' of having a structured way.)  INTJ in a nutshell is about carefully crafting a better self and environment, and BPD is all about instability and ruining shit.  Part of me wants to build a lego castle.  The other part of me wants to kick it down because it's bored and wants drama.  Although the INTJ part of me is intuitive and creates a sense of calm and understanding within myself, my BPD is constant inner turmoil and chronic feelings of emptiness, desperately searching for something to fill that void.  Within that is how you stated BPD get their personality from other people, yet my INTJ would scream the opposite and want complete independence and freedom.

 

Teros is the INTJ, the person that I want to be, the person that I am deep inside.  Dark Passenger/old mike is the BPD, the outside environment and society that made me hate myself, and the negative and empty evil that corrupts and ruins.  BPD is a leech that ruins everything it touches.  It's toxic.  And looking at INTJ and BPD cements why I stayed in a toxic relationship for 12 years.  My BPD needed that person.  My INTJ felt it invested and wanted to keep plugging away on enacting change. As soon as the relationship was over, my INTJ breathed a sigh of relief, yet I was a fucking depressed mess as well because of the loss.

 

In much the same way, that is how I'm working with my mom.  My INTJ self is thinking, "Thank god, freedom and more independence and less judgement and now I can move forward."  BPD is, in a sick way, masochistic and mourns the loss because it feels like part of me is gone.  The thing is, it's a bad part of me that is leaving, so this is a good thing.  I know this deep down, but I'm still wrestling with it with my BPD self.

 

On 2/19/2019 at 8:25 PM, Sciread77 said:

A good starter instrument is one that has a lot of translatable skills to the other ones you want to learn. Piano is always a good one because you get to practice learning music in both the bass and treble clef. It’s just as easy to play high as it is low, as opposed to wind instruments that are more different to play on the extremes of their range. You can easily learn ful scales and music theory and hear it played along with seeing a physical representation of the notes beyond just the written music.

 

See, I knew none of that as well as the part about guitar.  So it looks like I'm making the right choice by picking piano or guitar first as a way to learn.

 

On 2/19/2019 at 8:25 PM, Sciread77 said:

The young/old feeling has hit me before too. But never this hard. 

 

Re-evaluation of life tends to do that.  What did you two talk about?  Any conclusions/plans made?

 

On 2/25/2019 at 6:45 AM, WhiteGhost said:

If you ever decide to visit Beijing, let me know.  I'd be happy to show you around :) 

 

I hesitated on China because I knew I would be lost; but if you're offering, that's going back on the list lol.

 

-------------

 

I met with my therapist last Friday and I talked about my interpretation of the dream/nightmare, as well as the list.  There were some things that he noted which I'm totally going to do.  He mentioned that for my Continuing Education Credits, he knew of weekend seminars that are a little further away, like up in Maine or New York.  This means I can learn about Dialectal Behavioral Therapy at a weekend conference and turn it into a trip as well. I get to explore New York and also get credits for my license, as well as learn something I'm interested in.  I'm able to basically combine some of my ideas on the list.  He is going to look up the information for me and let me know when and where these credits are.  He also stated that if I do any of these while still a student, I get a 30% discount on the classes.  Fuck yes!  I save money, travel, and learn all by strategizing how I approach this list.  He wrote down the whole list onto his dry-erase board in his office and then took a picture of it.  I had a less intense nightmare a few days ago, but I think the worst is over.  It was just a paper that said I was going to die soon in the nightmare.  No horrific visuals.  But again, what is the theme here:  time and making the most of it and making some serious decisions and exploration in the near future.

 

One of my lady-friends and I were talking yesterday and she asked if I liked walking nature trails and hiking.  I said that I did, but I can't do anything intense.  She wants to plan a weekend getaway somewhere up in Massachusetts.  There are apparently some great trails there so I'm trying to loosen up and let her plan it all out.  It probably won't be for about a month, once the weather warms up.  That means i need to stay on top of schoolwork which I'm on track to do.

 

Speaking of schoolwork, I'm finishing up my mid-term this week.  Next week is classes and then the week after is my spring break week.  It doesn't mean much to me, except that I'll go back to getting ahead of homework.  I'm counting down the weeks.  Here's what's left:

 

This week of February: Mid-term clinical paper/powerpoint

March 3-9: Start Consultation Project

March 10-16: Spring Break (continuing Consultation Project)

March 17-23: Hopefully finish Consultation Project

March 24-30: Maybe the weekend getaway-hike

March 31-April 6: Cutting back my internship hours because I shouldn't go over or under my hours.  I did extra hours over the winter break so that means things are easier now.  Re-evaluate my work hours, internship hours, and overall schedule.  Most likely this will be when I pick up some self-care stuff and start painting and will have an interesting NF challenge.

April 7-13: Consultation Final paper

April 14-20: Consultation Final paper continued

April 21-27: Consultation Final paper finished

April 30th - Last day of school.  May 1st- Birthday celebration/mental breakdown as I collapse on the finish line.

 

This is it.  This is all that's left.  At some point in this, my plans might change a bit because of the Continuing Education Credits so I might make a spontaneous trip to a neighboring state for a weekend and see if a lady-friend would like to accompany me.

 

There's also this Thursday, which I'm doing for myself.  The building that I go to see my therapist is having a 'Paint & Tea' evening.  They host it once a month.  Well this Thursday I don't have class so that means I'll be able to go.

 

As for the whole point of this challenge33:

 

I made an important discovery with this challenge: 

 

On 4/10/2014 at 4:52 PM, Teros said:

I've realized that Consistency>Intensity so my goals this time is to create a cycle that I don't want to break.

 

+

On 4/12/2014 at 12:39 AM, TennisGeek said:

I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.

 

This is why even though I've been almost MIA for a couple years on this forum, I still haven't missed a single challenge.  If I missed a challenge, I know I wouldn't come back.  My being around has been on the backburner for a looooooooooooooong fucking time and I'm so ready to have 30+ hours suddenly freed up in May when I can come back with a vengeance.  Right now, I'm just coasting while I juggle stuff.

On 4/13/2014 at 5:35 PM, Jill Beat said:

Firstly...look at you Mr. Popular! ;)     Third page and the darn thing hasn't even started! lol

  +

On 4/13/2014 at 11:10 PM, Ivysley said:

just as long as Teros gets back up again :tongue:  nighty-night fearless leader

  +

On 4/17/2014 at 3:34 PM, ChristArtist said:

Do you feel Loved? We all want you to succeed! We all know you can, you have, AND YOU WILL!

+

On 4/17/2014 at 3:41 PM, Laureleye said:

Whoa - what a fan following!  Count me in.

By now, I had a seriously solid support system with being on NF.  I started a new accountability group (which I'll link in a minute) and it felt like....home. It took a few challenges to get my feet wet, but once I was comfortable I decided to start the RPG Fanatics as a storyline and then everything seemed to fall into place.

 

One of my biggest regrets, I think, was losing that motivation to write.  I can't beat myself up over it but I know it's still there in me.  Again, there were a few circumstances (which I'll address in the right post) that made that enthusiasm die.  It was never that I didn't want to write, it was that I felt I was already giving so much attention to schoolwork and the anxiety kills any sort of creativity.  I knew *WHAT* I wanted to write, but it didn't want to come out.  As I kept having mis-steps in posting; I became more depressed.  However, that didn't happen yet: at challenge #8, I had hit my stride and felt great. 

 

On 4/13/2014 at 6:13 PM, Teros said:

My g/f is on board with the whole 30 this time around.

This, right here, is when things were starting to go sour.  I should rephrase; things got more sour.

 

She didn't give a shit when we both started the first challenge.  However, 8 challenges in and I'm losing weight and feeling better.  Suddenly, she realized she was getting fatter and saw that I talked about NF more than anything else.  I remember standing in the living room, reading an RPG story bit and thinking, "Does this sound good? I think it sounds good but I don't know."  My eyes lit up when I wrote.  I love creating things.  I love being able to spin a story from nothing at all.  The blank canvas causes a great deal of anxiety at the start, but once I write, I find my 'flow' and then it builds upon itself and becomes more and more grand.  Starting and sticking with the first couple steps is the hardest thing for me.  Once I'm at step 4 or 5, I'm walking and I have some steam moving forward.  This is true of everything in my life.  This is true of me writing papers: the blank paper is why I procrastinate and don't get shit done.  This is true of whole30s: I want to relapse and eat garbage in the first couple days.  This is true for working out:  I will walk once or twice but I end up quitting if I don't do 4 or 5 times.  Consistency is greater than Intensity.  Slow and steady wins the race for me: it's just forcing myself to stay in a groove at the very start. This is even true of my challenges.

 

The more I found love and acceptance through NF, the more my ex felt threatened.  I didn't see it at the time that it was starting already - it took a few more challenges for me to start thinking about this.  I guess in my own way, I was naive.  I thought that she would want me to be the best person I can and she would want to be her best self. Instead, it started around this time to create a rift between my ex and I.  On one side was this toxic enmeshed relationship where we both felt like shit and stayed in the mud.  On the other side was my new-emerging family on NF.  And I don't use 'family' lightly when I talk about how I felt when I was on NF at that time.

 

Also by now, I think it's important to note the emergence of Ms Booty:

 

On 4/18/2014 at 12:42 PM, Teros said:

So I'm irritated about today.  There's a bake sale at work to make money for kids for charity. No- I like charity, that's not what I hate. I hate how tonight there will be cookie-making with my g/f and her large posterior'd friend.  You know, the one that last time spent a combined 100 bucks on junk food last challenge.

 

I like her friend; I don't like what this could mean tonight.  I've already told my g/f that she's doing cookie-taste-testing. Not me.  At all. Not one cookie. Yes, we will be making JELLY BEAN FUDGE but I'm not having any of it. 

 

*grumbles*  Tonight's gonna suck. Wish me luck.

My g/f's 'large posterior'd friend' is Ms Booty.  My ex and Ms Booty were good friends, kind of.  I don't know if I've mentioned it yet so I mine as well write it now:  Ms Booty and I were closer friends than she knew.  My ex didn't want to text Ms Booty that often and would give me her phone so I could talk to her.  This means that a lot of joking conversations were with Ms Booty and I, although Ms Booty thought it was my ex since it was her phone.  My ex and Ms Booty would be like little kids and both buy a ton of junk food and eat it all.  They would want me to join in with them but I'm trying to get my shit together.  See how just a few days before, I mentioned my ex was on board for a whole30?  And yet there she is making tons of cookies.  Ms Booty and my ex were food-enablers to each other and they wanted me to be part of this three-way (at the time, a *real* 3-way would have been amazing but alas, that's never going to happen).

 

On 4/22/2014 at 4:27 PM, Teros said:

How do I not stay angry?

 

Maybe this is part of a rant. I don't even know.  How do I not stay angry all the time?  I'm angry at the school for the rejection. I'm angry at my g/f for getting it and not me. I'm angry because she never wants to do anything with me. I'm angry at my sister pissing away an entire fortune- her own, my mom's, and my inheritance.  And I'm not even angry that I won't have money- I'm angry because I want to start a family once school is over with and I want to have a nest egg for my future child. My sister pissed away HIS/HER future.  I'm angry at my mom for letting this situation happen in the first place. I'm angry at work. I'm just f*cking ANGRY all the time.

 

And I don't want to be. I just want this stuff to not eat away at me like a cancer. I just want to be able to get a good night's sleep and let things slide and focus on the good that's going on.  How?   I need to know how to break free of this.

 

Another argument with my g/f; right after she had her school orientation. I just want to not FEEL like this.  The only times I'm not angry is if I'm on here or if I'm exercising.  I can't be glued here/walking for 16+ hours a day so....?

I was angry all the time and I was frustrated. It made me feel helpless and hopeless.  As I stated in this quote, the only times I didn't feel like that was when I was on NF or exercising.  And that's the thing: those two things were what I was in control of.  I was in control of my workouts and in control of being on here and making friends.  It's why I ended up spending upwards of 8+ hours a day on the forums.  It was like a full-time job for me to work on myself.  And also to note: see why school ending and getting back 30+ hours a week of my life is so fucking important?  When I had the time/mental investment, I was able to get this done.  I can totally work a full-time job and treat NF as a full-time non-job.  The problem is I can't go OVER that and so with school, NF is what got the axe.

 

On 4/28/2014 at 8:04 AM, T2sarahconnor said:

Wouldn't your family just **** if we showed up. 20-30 people just like you, who love and support you! You could actually be the center of attention for your birthday!

 

This.... just....this.

 

This is how I felt.  This is all I wanted for so long in my life.

 

----

 

 

Storyline-wise, the RPG Fanatics were able to slay the Demon-King Sodamus (and his elixirs of grossness).  However, this started a chain-event that summoned the twin ravens Huginn and Muninn who became the voices of exposition in the story.  Rather that my character being some all-wise and knowing character (which would make me way too overpowered), I instead projected the storyline through the ravens and they became the story-tellers.  The next threat was the Frost King.  Just like how 'Sodamus' was a play on 'soda', the 'Frost King' was a play on 'Frosting'.

 

FunFact: I would post multiple posts in a row on the first page.  This was to later edit the post that way the whole story could be on the front page.  I did this with minis as well.  Other guilds started doing the same thing and reserving spots of minis on their first page.  I had noticed that people would jump into a thread and not even know there was a mini or a story post so that's how I remedied it.

 

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I’m on my phone so sorry I’m not quoting. 

 

You're definitely making the right choice. I love the piano. You can learn the basic skills and practice reading music fairly quickly; exposure to music and familiarity with the structure of scales are the big advantages so I love it. I even just play scales sometimes. In jazz band, we’d practice playing improv in different scales just to see how it felt. Those are the skills you develop to become the kind of person who can play the same song in different keys or who can write music on the fly. It takes a lot of practice but I always thought it was tons of fun. My second piano teacher was a professional, full-time jazz musician and it just opened up the world to me. 

 

I think we’ve settled on opening a bakery. We’re currently exploring our options and the market. Whatever we do, we have to hit it pretty hard. She’s struggling with a name and a niche. If we do this, she’ll be the primary baker and I’ll run the business side of things. I’d stay at my current job until we can replace my income as well as pay for benefits for ourselves. Which, in our current largely-employer-provided-health world, is the real catch. I hope that we can make something that replaces both of our incomes/provides well enough for us to get by with our sadly fixed expenses.

 

I also had had my first full DBT session last night. So it’s funny you mention it today. 

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3 hours ago, Teros said:

See, I knew none of that as well as the part about guitar.  So it looks like I'm making the right choice by picking piano or guitar first as a way to learn.

 

1 hour ago, Sciread77 said:

You're definitely making the right choice. I love the piano.

 

He is right. Chord-based instruments are an excellent place to start because they teach you fundamentals you will use across instruments. Piano is probably the best starter instrument. It is really easy to get started with, it teaches you both bass and treble clefs, and it is all around an awesome instrument. I like to say that piano is the easiest instrument to begin and the hardest one to master (I swear piano majors practice more than anyone else in the entire music department...even more than the violinists, and they are pretty hardcore).

 

That being said, if you HAVE a guitar already, that is probably the best one to start with. The instrument with the lowest barrier to entry is the best one to start with. When it comes down to it though, don't worry about which one to start with. Start with the one that excites you the most. Learning an instrument is much like learning a language. Once you learn one, it is easier to learn the rest because you understand the basic concepts. Music is the same way, regardless of what instrument you choose. And just like with learning anything else, be it fitness, diet, language, art, or any other new skill, go with the thing that excites you the most because the important part is that you enjoy it and stick with it. So, though a specific instrument may offer more crossover than the other, if it doesn't get you excited about learning and sticking with the training, it isn't going to be a great one to start with.

 

If you ever have questions about music, I did get a degree in it, and I am always happy to provide support, direction, guidance, and help to anyone interested in pursuing their musical interests.

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Same here. I didn’t get a degree in it like @Nova Aquarii but I’ve spent quite a bit of time around it and like talking about it if she’s ever unavailable!

 

Also agreed on start with what you have. I sometimes sort of forget that not everyone has half a dozen different instruments laying around. Sorry about that. 

 

This makes me want to play mine more, and also to learn how to tune pianos. 

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1 minute ago, Sciread77 said:

Also agreed on start with what you have. I sometimes sort of forget that not everyone has half a dozen different instruments laying around. Sorry about that. 

 

I am so jealous. I have two guitars, and my degree was in voice...so, well, I have my voice, but that is it. I am currently saving up for a keyboard/synth though. I always struggled with my piano skills, but I am determined to get back in and keep working on them again.

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1 minute ago, Nova Aquarii said:

 

I am so jealous. I have two guitars, and my degree was in voice...so, well, I have my voice, but that is it. I am currently saving up for a keyboard/synth though. I always struggled with my piano skills, but I am determined to get back in and keep working on them again.

 

I just learned that my singing voice is bass and the lower end of baritone. And I’m embarrassed at not recognizing that earlier. I’m jealous of your music degree. Because college is when most of my playing fell apart. 

 

I have a keyboard and a piano, but the piano is old and needs some tuning and repairs on it. It’s out of tune pretty badly beyond the center two octaves. I’m teaching my kids piano but it won’t be too long before they’re beyond my ability to effectively teach. I’m hoping that one day I’ll actually have time for music again. Beyond what plays in my brain. 

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7 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

 

I just learned that my singing voice is bass and the lower end of baritone. And I’m embarrassed at not recognizing that earlier. I’m jealous of your music degree. Because college is when most of my playing fell apart. 

 

I have a keyboard and a piano, but the piano is old and needs some tuning and repairs on it. It’s out of tune pretty badly beyond the center two octaves. I’m teaching my kids piano but it won’t be too long before they’re beyond my ability to effectively teach. I’m hoping that one day I’ll actually have time for music again. Beyond what plays in my brain. 

 

That is awesome! I love baritone-basses. Your voices just have so much richness and color. Harmonic tones for days. And I can kind of relate. I totally burned out in college and could barely listen to music for a few months. I haven't practiced or performed since college (granted, that is only about two years). To be fair, I traveled to Germany, then came back, got married, started a new job, started taking courses in web dev, and a bunch of other stuff. So I have been a little busy. Recently I left retail and got a more typical 9-5, which means once I finish this semester (I was insane enough to try and take full-time classes on top of full-time work), I am going to try and get back into music and ultimately performance again. I needed the break away, but now I am dying to get back into it and have been for awhile. Once that performance bug bites...there is no leaving that world.

 

Yikes, out of tune pianos are rough. At least you have a keyboard to get them started on. 

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54 minutes ago, Teros said:

How do I even know my vocal range?  I think it ranges from bad to terrible.

 

If you have never really sang before, I wouldn't worry about vocal range until you have had some more practice. Often times the voice starts to open up with practice and training, so it is best to avoid mentally pigeon-holing yourself in the beginning. You will likely start out as a "baritone" (mid-range male voice type), unless you have a naturally high non-falsetto singing voice. From there, your range will open with practice, and you will find you either have a particularly strong lower range or higher range. Or even a really strong mid-range (some people are solid baritones, not bass or tenor). The voice parts are based on the highest and lowest notes you can hit, combined with where your voice is the strongest in your range. 

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Voice training is one of those things that though you can totally learn a lot on your own, I HIGHLY recommend at least a few lessons with an instructor. Not only is it easy to pick up really bad habits when you teach yourself (which are extremely hard to reverse), it is possible to hurt your voice or pick up habits that can lead to injuring your voice down the road, especially if you sing somewhat often and work a job that requires you to talk a lot (both things wearing down the vocal cords).

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53 minutes ago, Nova Aquarii said:

Voice training is one of those things that though you can totally learn a lot on your own, I HIGHLY recommend at least a few lessons with an instructor. Not only is it easy to pick up really bad habits when you teach yourself (which are extremely hard to reverse), it is possible to hurt your voice or pick up habits that can lead to injuring your voice down the road, especially if you sing somewhat often and work a job that requires you to talk a lot (both things wearing down the vocal cords).

 

Also, you can end up thinking you’re bad at singing when in reality, you’re singing something inappropriate for your range. 

 

I sang in choir at church for 6 years. I always did well and I got a lot of solos because I could read music (on account of my piano training).  But our choir director wasn’t really trained in directing choirs and when my voice changed... well, suddenly the high children’s parts didn’t work for me. I thought I was bad but for some reason, I never thought that puberty lowered my voice to bass/lower baritone because I don’t sound low to me. 

 

Flash forward to last year when my coworker who is an amazing singer and also choir director and I were singing in the break room and she took me through a handful of singing tests and identified my range. Then, my wife (whose knowledge of musicals and basically all related information is encyclopedic) picked out several parts in my range and I nailed them. 

 

Voice lessons are are definitely worth it. I want to have time for more. 

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Putting aside recent posts and signing for a little bit.

 

I just got out of my therapy session and I feel fucking miserable.  Today's topic was the main reason I set out to go to therapy in the first place about 2.5 months ago:  relationship shit.  It's a constant stressor in my life and I don't know how to deal with it.

 

Originally, I was going over my life story with the therapist.  Each week, I could cover 5-10 years.  Then the last couple years of me being on NF, spartan races, and school were starting when WHAM, my mom dies.  That was the next two weeks and then I started going back to the recap of the past couple of years.  Then I had that panic attack/nightmare and Lyn dream back-to-back so that week's session was about that.  Last week was the Life Goals list: that big list I posted about things I'm interested in and pursuits that I want to follow.  This week was about the final piece of what I had wanted to talk about: relationships.

 

I wrote down on the board a couple of people's names:

JJ

Melinda

Walacita

Amanda

and Lyn

 

I wrote a couple of defining features about them, like how long I've known each of them and if they were local or not.  The conversation that led into that was what I wanted in a partner.  It's so...fucking exhausting when I talk about this stuff.  Whenever I've posted about it on here, I feel like I spin my wheels.  Whenever I text people about it or talk about it in a PM, it feels like I'm getting nowhere.  Whenever I ever shine any light on this issue, it seems to do more bad than good. 

I've known JJ for about 2.5 years. 

Melinda for 1.5 years. 

Amanda for 1 year. 

Walacita for 3 months. 

Lyn for 3.5 years.

 

I don't even want a reply to any of this stuff, to be honest.  I'm just going to get more goddamn depressed because I have no resolution.  I explained to the therapist that ever since Lyn started to disappear in my life, she left this void that I haven't been able to fill.  I decided that I, at the very least, wanted some friends so I ended up going on the dating site and putting in my profile that I'm looking for friends (not long term relationships or whatever).  In that flood of attention was JJ and I've been talking to her since.  It took about a year before we even kissed.  We hung out and talked a bit, but I was always talked to other women as well.  I didn't feel any sort of click with anyone.  And honestly, I didn't want one.  Deep down, all I've ever wanted since she came into my life was Lyn and I'm doing the best I can to handle that loss that I've felt for literally years now.

 

Some intense relationships with women that I had no interest in long-term relationships came and went.  Angela was around for a while.  Muse was around.  Deanne.  I started to talk to more simultaneously and was juggling 21 conversations with women.  Then Jenny (Little) showed up and I slashed the number down quite a bit because I wanted to focus on quality.  Around that same time, I joined an online group and started talking to Melinda.  She's an INTJ like me, and also is doing an internship.  She's interested in neurobiology and works with labrats and is currently trying to get into an ivy league school.  The problem is that she's never *been* with another person, doesn't know what she wants sexually, and also can't understand or express her emotions.  It's great that she has passion and ambition (something sorely lacking from the hundreds of women I've dealt with), but the cost of that is never having an intimate or emotional connection.  If that's the case....it all seems pretty fucking pointless.  Regardless, I got close to Melinda as well.  A short time later, Jenny was gone and I started talking to Amanda.  We were a 98% match, as well as....her looking like Lyn.  Her profile picture looked so much like Lyn that I did a double-take and thought maybe Lyn had a long-lost half-sister or something.  All the physical feelings I had for Lyn sort of projected onto Amanda, because deep down; I wished that Amanda *was* Lyn.  Then a couple of months ago, I felt lonely so I went on the site and clicked 'Like' to a few people and surprisingly, Walacita had already liked me and we started a conversation.

 

I'm at a point now where I'm doubting what the fuck I'm even doing.  I know how I feel about Lyn.  I know I want her.  I have no idea if she's even interested in me anymore and if there's that burning desire to be with me.  She seems detached.  Indifferent.  That might be because she's focusing on herself right now and, in typical INTJ fashion, trying to compartmentalize her emotions.  Or, maybe something seriously happened to her emotionally after she was sick and had her breakdown.  I don't know and I've been waiting for a looooong fucking time to find out which of these two options is right.

 

I expressed all of the above to my therapist, while gesturing to the dry-erase board that I wrote all the names and little details about.  He brought up how there is a phenomenon in dating where people who don't 'go all in' with someone will always feel unsatisfied.  He also looked at my list of things that I wanted to focus on with a life-partner:

 

-Artistic expression

-Physical strength

-Emotional strength/awareness (availability)

-Honest/direct communication

-Sexual compatibility

-Ambition

 

He was saying that not everyone will have all of these things.  That people might have some of them.  I explained that I felt, besides maybe the artistic angle (which was on the lower priority when I ranked them later in the session), that Lyn had all of those before she was sick but I don't know what the hell is going on with her.  I said that I don't know if I'm being unrealistic or idealistic with Lyn.  I don't think she's perfect - she certainly made a huge mistake by shutting me out and denying me the opportunity to be there for her during her darkest hour (which she has since admitted was insecurity on her part and had she not - there's a good chance we would be together now).  Regardless, I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing something.  I know that fulfillment is supposed to come from within: this has been discussed ad nauseum.  I get that.  PLEASE.  I get that.  But that doesn't stop me from how I feel right now in my life.  My therapist also said that a lot of people are looking for most of these when they look hard enough at themselves and their inner wants/needs.

 

At the end of the session, I felt worse instead of better.  The therapist pointed to the board and said those traits that I want aren't always static: they can ebb and flow so sometimes within the relationship, there can be improvement and changes.  He also said that one or more of them might have great potential or maybe none of the women on the board are the person I should be with.  I expressed that I don't know how to cut people off.  How the fuck do I know when I've given them enough time to pull their heads out of their ass and improve themselves?  He said there was no answer to that.  And with that, time was up and I shuffled off to my car - unsatisfied.

 

---

 

Driving home, I felt overwhelming sadness fill me up.  I talk to myself a lot, maybe more than is healthy but whatever.  I started ranting while driving about how I'm sick of this topic even being around in my life.  I'm tired of people.  I'm tired of socializing.  I'm tired of trying.  I know what I'm worth and I know what I bring to the table.  As I ranted more in the car, I said that I'm fucking sick of people letting me down.  People don't ever pleasantly surprise me: I have expectations for myself and others and everyone always fucking fails them.  All my classmates, all the facebook people, all the okcupid people, all the random people I've come across: it just seems like even if I set my bar pretty goddamn low, people just trip over it. All I wanted this entire winter school break was for one, just ONE of the many classmates/"'''friends"""" to show any sort of initiative to hang out with me since I've made it clear a few times that I'm up for that.

 

I'm always the one that messages people first: Twizzler is the only person that will take initiative and text me first somedays.  I have some 50+ fucking contacts in my phone and no one else bothers to contact me?  I have a bunch of """"friends''''""" on facebook and no one checks in on me.  I'm just fucking dead to most of the people in my life that claim to be around for me or claim to be """"friends"""""".  My mood got more and more sour.  I don't know what is even realistic to fucking expect from people.  You hear, 'don't settle for less than you're worth'.  That's great: where the fuck are those people that also feel the same way?  I never wanted to talk to 21 women, to juggle hundreds of messages, to get all this fucking attention.  I didn't want QUANTITY ever in my life, what I fucking want is QUALITY.  And it's just not there in terms of a partner and considering the ratio here, it's like 0.00001% in terms of a friend.  I kept feeling worse and worse.  I don't think I'm asking for a lot.  I know my qualities.  I don't think I'm some sort of fucking superhero who is perfect and infallible.  I consider myself humble and try my best not to talk down or judge anyone: everyone is at a different place in their life.  But for fuck's sake, I want my equal.

 

I don't even want a response to this lady bullshit drama that is always churning around in my head.  I felt I needed to get it out because I had my first job today, had therapy, and now I'm rushing off to my second job and I'm hoping getting this out of my head will help, instead of it ruminating for the next 8 hours at work.

 

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Of course I'm on here at like 2 in the morning.  Because I can't stop being

 

Image result for royally pissed
 
I had a conversation with *Her* this evening and we got to talking.  She said she was in love with me.  And the topic if I was seeing anyone came up.  I didn't lie - after *she* disappeared from my life, I felt empty and alone and was looking around and didn't know what to do.  I found a few shitshows and mediocre relationships and in each of those, I told the women I was seeing about *her* and my feelings.  Obviously some weren't ok with it.  Some tolerated it.  Some ignored it.  But it was always said by the third time I met with a woman.
 
I had a conversation with someone and apparently, this was all "subtext" and I shouldn't have looked around.  Which is horseshit and bad and wrong and stupid.  It was supposedly a test.  I'm sorry, I wouldn't tell a woman I was in love with to go do that.  And I sure as hell wouldn't have told her that in the secret hope that she would say she didn't want to and end up staying celibate for like 3 fucking years.  I would have to be some stupid asshole for thinking that or even attempting that. 
 
Image result for dr evil quote
 
"Subtext"
 
Now, it's not like I was dumbfounded by this: I was hesitant to do any of that.  And when I got on OKC, I was looking for friends: I didn't want a relationship.  What I wanted was *Her* and *she* wasn't available and I felt numb, alone, and empty.  Was I supposed to sit there and suffer for god-know-how-long-possibly-fucking-forever with these feelings?  No, that's stupid.  That's dumb.  And making someone suffer emotionally because you want to play some sort of fuck-tarded game shows what an insecure person they are.  So, although I thought there was a chance this was all.... "subtext".... I went ahead and did it because I didn't feel like I had an option.
 
Another thing I learned about this situation: I'm supposed to fucking omit and lie about things.  How awesome is that?  I'm not supposed to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth (despite that being a goddamn vow for marriage).  No, instead I'm supposed to be an insecure little twat and only give little teeny tiny bits of information so the person has to work to earn all the information.  Are you fucking kidding me? Again, this screams of insecurity on all levels to me.  Why the hell would I only tell someone part of the story?  The reason, apparently, is because it is difficult to talk about.
 
Oh no, talking about my feelings is hard, so I'm going to stretch out the trickle of information over a goddamn decade because my feelings are hurt.
 
Image result for dawson's creek crying meme

 

Hey guess what?  I spent years being beaten up, bullied, treated like shit.  I cried under the bench at school.  I was thrown into a wall and blacked out.  I had over a decade of being made to feel like a worthless piece of shit.  I hated myself for the majority of my life.  I was a virgin and didn't have sex with my girlfriend of 12 goddamn years because of a SLEW of toxic enmeshed bullshit.  My mom was never there for me, and oppressive, and I never felt she loved me.  I never knew my dad.  My grandparents, aunts, and uncles are all pretty much dead.  All the pets I've had (barring the pugs) are fucking dead.  My mom is fucking dead.  I spent most of my entire life being in constant physical pain from being overweight and constant mental pain because I hated myself and those around me and wished nothing but death and bad things for the entire world.  I was the embodiment of hatred and loneliness and I felt no purpose and no good ever coming from my life.  I should have been a millionaire but it was pissed away by my sister.  Every interaction with people has been sub-par, I work a shit job with shit money.  I constantly feel empty and alone and desperate to feel something and at times, I've heavily debated doing hard drugs.

 

OH BOO-FUCKING-HOO.  I should waste everyone's time and drag all that shit out for the next 2 decades because it was hard.  You know what?  GET OVER IT.  It happened.  Process it emotionally as well as intellectually, and move on.  Learn from the mistakes and the past so you don't repeat them.  I'm moving forward and getting over it.  Awwww, but I'm so special and "deep" so instead of saying it, I'll instead just harbor anger issues and snap at people, or be depressed and push people away, or whatever other unhealthy approach should be used instead of the most efficient and helpful one: being a goddamn adult.

 

Putting up walls because I don't want to be vulnerable is something that WEAK PEOPLE DO.  If you put up walls because you don't want to get hurt, it's because you're weak.  YOU'RE WEAK.  YOU'RE FUCKING WEAK.  If you can't talk about it and have no intention of talking about it: You're WEAK.  If you think that burying it all down and having it manifest in unhealthy ways is a good option: YOU'RE WEAK.  There's no other way to look at this.  Go ahead, take pot shots at me.  Criticize me.  Challenge me on something.  I fucking dare you.  Because guess what? I've exposed my vulnerabilities and now that I've done that, I'm not vulnerable anymore.  Anything that can be said to me is something I've already said to myself a thousand times before when I was depressed or playing devil's advocate.  So just fucking challenge me and try to hurt me, because it's not possible.  The only thing even close to 'hurting' would be if a person is willfully ignorant because I utterly loathe stupidity.  I've been bullied and made to feel like shit before by plenty of other people and even by myself.  It doesn't fucking matter. 

 

I'm supposed to play by 'the world's rules' of omission, lies, sheltering, and barely exposing vulnerability because that's what everyone else does- like this is all some sort of game of ass-fuckery.  Guess what? Everyone else is weak and afraid.  And I'm sorry, I'm not stooping down to that level just to be like other people.  If everyone else is eating cupcakes, I don't need to eat cupcakes to be part of the crowd.  If everyone else is on facebook and social media and posting shitty pictures, I don't need to be on facebook and posting shitty pictures.  If people love marvel movies, I don't have to love marvel movies.  In fact, the most popular stuff seems to be the absolute WRONG and opposite thing to do.  So I'm not playing games.  I'm not trying to strategically dispense information.  This is who I am.  What you see is what you get.  I don't hold back, I don't sugar coat.  I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  I'm me.  Just fucking ME.  Take it or leave it.

 

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Well said sir. People who want you to read their minds and do what they themselves don't even know they want you to do are impossible to please and miserable to be around. After I got out of my toxic relationship I realized I had some walls up. What helped me was realizing the difference between walls and boundaries. Boundaries are healthy ways of saying, "This is okay and anything beyond is not okay, that's my limit." Walls are taking that too far. You set one hell of a good boundary.

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9 hours ago, Teros said:

I had a conversation with someone and apparently, this was all "subtext" and I shouldn't have looked around.  Which is horseshit and bad and wrong and stupid.  It was supposedly a test.  I'm sorry, I wouldn't tell a woman I was in love with to go do that.  And I sure as hell wouldn't have told her that in the secret hope that she would say she didn't want to and end up staying celibate for like 3 fucking years.  I would have to be some stupid asshole for thinking that or even attempting that. 

 

You are absolutely correct. Someone who would expect you to stay single and just wait for them is beyond ridiculous. And it makes me so mad that crap like this happens. I feel like it further perpetuates negative connotations around women. 

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1.  You’re right. 

 

2.  I will say this, for me: I tend to not talk about things with most people simply because it’s not worth having that series of conversations. Because there are only so many hours in a day. 

 

3.  My close relationships know everything there is to know. When I met my wife, I came on pretty strong. I was as up front as I knew how to be and there were still miscommunications. Hiding things is stupid. 

 

4. For the record, I love your openness. I love talking with you. 

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13 hours ago, Teros said:

Putting up walls because I don't want to be vulnerable is something that WEAK PEOPLE DO.  If you put up walls because you don't want to get hurt, it's because you're weak.  YOU'RE WEAK.  YOU'RE FUCKING WEAK.  If you can't talk about it and have no intention of talking about it: You're WEAK.  If you think that burying it all down and having it manifest in unhealthy ways is a good option: YOU'RE WEAK.  There's no other way to look at this. 

 

Yes, we are weak. We know that. We wouldn't worry about protecting ourselves or being vulnerable if we thought we were strong. As someone who has lived my entire life struggling to put into words how I feel, feeling like I have to protect myself from other people and be careful who I trust after after being attacked, belittled, and shamed for being open and honest...I know. I don't need someone to convince me I am weak and pathetic because it is hard for me to be vulnerable, because I buried my emotions for years, because I am hesitant to trust. I know. We all know. If you want to play judge and jury, that is your choice. If pointing out other people's weaknesses and judging and belittling them for it makes you feel better, I get it. It is easy to do when people are different than you. But rest assured, we get it, we know we are weak, we know we are scared. You aren't telling someone something they haven't said to themselves a million times. 

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22 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

That was beautiful. Angry Teros is the real deal.

 

Anger doesn't just lead to the Dark Side.  It also leads to passion.

 

20 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Boundaries are healthy ways of saying, "This is okay and anything beyond is not okay, that's my limit."

 

Right - it makes sense.

 

You know... I'm thinking about boundaries and what they actually are for me.  I don't like getting gifts or being spontaneous so I think that those are boundaries for me.  Information-sharing has no boundaries for me because I'm comfortable with myself and what I bring to the table - and I want others to be comfortable and bring everything to the table as well.  For me, information is the greatest gift of all.  Enlightenment through knowledge is the only path I can walk - I don't want to be scared of the shadows on the corners of the path.  Also, don't touch my computer or phone.  I'm fine with anything else that's mine being shared or touched but not those two things.  In asking myself 'why', I think it's the same thing that @Sciread77 said about explaining/efficiency.

 

20 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

I feel like it further perpetuates negative connotations around women. 

 

Image result for deniro point gif

 

And it totally is a negative connotation that I would think people would want to break free of.  Even if society says, "you should act like this", why the fuck does that mean you should listen to society?  What the hell has society ever done except hammer down the nails that stick up?  It's a means of control and enforcement.  I'm sorry, but fuck that.  Anarchy, baby.  Don't let what others *tell* you what to be/do/act.  Hell, even me.  Challenge me and what I say to see if it has validity.  Never take opinion as gospel.

 

17 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

I will say this, for me: I tend to not talk about things with most people simply because it’s not worth having that series of conversations. Because there are only so many hours in a day. 

 

It's for efficiency's sake.  I know that if I expressed exactly how I felt when people walk by and say, "Morning. How's it going?" that it will open a can of worms.  It's not that I'm terrified of opening up, it's just that the person exchanging a pleasantry in the hallways 1) Can't help me 2) Explaining it will take an hour to talk about effectively. 3) I don't like them enough to engage that way.

 

So yeah, that's perfectly fine because of the root reason an the context in which it's being done.

 

17 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

For the record, I love your openness. I love talking with you. 

 

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15 hours ago, Nova Aquarii said:

As someone who has lived my entire life struggling to put into words how I feel, feeling like I have to protect myself from other people and be careful who I trust after after being attacked, belittled, and shamed for being open and honest...I know. I don't need someone to convince me

 

And as we talked about when texting, I'm not railing and trying to insult: I'm explaining how I feel about the situation.  I was extremely angry when I wrote that.  Still am.  And you expressed the strides that you've made.  I wouldn't call you weak at all (if being taken personally). 

 

What I don't understand is the running through of a scenario.  So I posted my history and it was brought up that someone could talk behind someone's back, or they would try to be manipulative?  ....And?  That's the point I'm getting at here.  Hey, my high school principal made me touch his thigh and rub it in the hallway and I felt scared and uncomfortable.  Who fucking cares if someone reads my post and then tells someone?  How would that even affect me?  What's going to happen?  Is someone going to read that on here and be like,

 

 

That's something that I literally expressed for the first time ever in THIS challenge because I didn't realize how much it bothered me. (The same with the high school kid that touched me.)  I expressed it.  I processed it.  I'm fine with it.  It happened and I felt that uncomfortable-ness and I fucking moved on.

 

Like if you told your husband that I had a red jacket when I was in 1st grade that I liked, and three bullies grabbed it, swung me around, ripped it, and I was beaten up and cried.  Should I be afraid of telling that information on the random chance it will be told to someone else?  No.  Fuck that.  Why should I give a flying fuck about what your husband knows about me?  You mentioned being manipulated: I know that I rarely have felt like I was good enough and need some ego-stroking once in a while.  Let's say I tell one of the ladies I know about this and they go ahead and do it.... so?  I end up liking them more because they did that thing.  Guess what?  Everyone is being manipulative of everyone else: whether or not it's consciously being done.  Every interaction with another person can be looked at that way.  You could dissect the motives I have for saying this information.  Maybe you think that me saying all this stuff is because I want attention of pity and therefore, me posting on here is being manipulative of everyone who reads it. See what I'm saying?  Anything can be looked at in some sort of influential way because people by nature, expressing themselves, MAY have an influence on others.  Let's keep running with this: let's assume that I truly *am* being manipulative because I want a pity-party because of my low self-esteem, and people give me that attention.....then what?  Should you be angry at me because I want attention, attention that I never got as a child?  No...who gives a shit?  That's the crux of what I'm talking about:  even if you think there is something to lose/fear about being yourself, that doesn't mean you should be ruled by it.  Just fucking DO it anyway.  I'm not saying it has to be everything said all at once, although that would be best.  People get conditioned into have no confidence and being hurt: people are conditioned to be weak.  I'm saying to stop letting that rule over you.  And from what I know about you, you're doing your best to not feel that way and I give you kudos for that.  Being vulnerable makes you less vulnerable.  Showing your weakness makes you not weak.  So if you want it resolved, do it.  It's like a band-aid - rip that fucker off instead of being tense because of the upcoming pain.

 

+++

So today is supposed to be the last day of the challenged and uh....fuck.

 

I've been getting through schoolwork like a mother-fucker.  I finished my midterm and I have to present it next week because this week is....

Image result for spring break!

 

No classes this week!  You know what that means, right?

 

MORE HOMEWORK

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Joy.  I have 2 big things left: I need to do my Monday-Class project and my Tuesday-Class final paper.  So I'm going to be starting the Monday project, well, monday.  I needed this weekend to just decompress.

 

Wally and I hung out and we watched RedLetterMedia and snuggled on the couch and laughed a lot.  It was nice.  She's a good woman and she has a lot of heart, but I don't feel anything.  I never feel anything for these women because of who I really want to be with...

 

Speaking of, I guess I should give some context to my pissed off rant at 2am:

 

It started innocently enough with *Her* asking how I was doing.  We hadn't talked in about a week.  After some back and forth, I brought up how I need a challenge - something that makes me think.  She asked the following question (And by all means, answer it as well if you want):

 

"Is it easier to love or to hate?"

 

For me, this is an easy question to answer, if the context is understood (that's a big 'if').  And if you want to answer it without my logic/perspective, then scroll down past all of these things:

++++++++++++++++++++

++++++++++++++++++++

++++++++++++++++++++

and then come back to read it.  There are two problems with this question:

1) What does 'easier' mean?

2) What does love/hate mean?

 

I'll answer #2.  According to my logic, the question is inherently flawed because when I think of Love and Hate, I think of a slider-scale or gradient of passion.  Both are feelings that can becomes extremely strong, to the point of being consumed by them.  They can cloud judgement and reason.  They can span weeks, months, or years.  They can evoke a ton of other emotions.  So to me, Love and Hate are two concepts that wax and wane.  One isn't stronger than the other.  However, one does come more naturally than the other.  I think that hate comes more naturally if the person lacks a certain degree of empathy.  It's easy to hate a person and then dismiss them as bad or stupid.  But knowledge makes this dynamic flip-flop. 

 

I'll take Sabrina as an example:  When she betrayed my friendship a few months ago, I was royally pissed off.  I felt extremely hurt because I thought we were sharing and cared about each other. I liked her being in my life.  And we had a couple good conversations.  But then after the whole Neurofeedback job thing, she cut me out of her life, saying we weren't friends anymore.  She thought I was trying to steal her job that she worked for, which was never the case. I simply wanted to learn and be on the team - even if it was for like 2 or 3 hours a week.  Just something where I can grow and discover.  But that was a threat to Sabrina's new job somehow.  She was insecure and thought that her boss would like me more (Protip: the conversation with her boss went great and I think her boss *did* like me more...) and the conclusion Sabrina came to was that I was a snake and trying to screw her over and we were done.  Now, I hate her.  My thoughts were racing for solid weeks.  I couldn't get her out of my head and this whole situation out of my brain, as much as I tried to focus on other things.  For over a month, I was consumed by hatred.  But at some point, I had a motivational talk with myself in the car (where I basically yell at myself and then empower who I want to become - think of the last post by more me-centric and citing more examples and being way longer) and after that talk, the Sabrina shit faded.  She wasn't worth it.  Was she a fucking idiot for thinking those things?  For lashing out?  For trying to control me by telling me that I shouldn't talk to anyone else about this because she didn't want to 'come off as a bitch' to her fellow classmates but it was ok to make me feel like a piece of shit for something I didn't do?  She was an insecure little girl, who lacked empathy and understanding about my situation or what she was even asking me to do.  She was Sabrina-centric, incapable of comprehending the depths of how fucking over-dramatic and dumb the whole situation was.  Now, the hate was strong and lasted a while, but when I boil it down: she was fucked over at jobs before and she under-estimated me, assuming that I was an asshole like a prior co-worker.  And that ignorant judgement on me hurt, because now I lost a friend over something she thought and misinterpreted.  That's fucking stupid.  Was I able to hate her and bring up those hate-emotions 'easily'?  Well yeah, I felt that way and I stewed and ruminated about it.  Hate came pretty easy because I was hurt. But once I had a pep-talk with myself and focused more on her not being worth my time and emotions and energy, the hate faded.  Now, I see her as just a fucking idiot that is oblivious and who will be a bad social worker because she has unresolved crap and you can't be helpful and supportive of others if deep down you can't be supportive of yourself (goddamn that's a good sentence.)  So the hate faded.  Knowledge made the dynamic flip.

 

The next part, "what does 'easier' mean"?  I would assume that the concept of 'easier' simply means, 'what comes more naturally'?  If operating under this assumption, then the answer would be that, because I'm empathetic and try to understand people - that I reserve those harsh hateful judgements.  This would mean that I've conditioned myself into having Love being easier to do than to hate. 

 

Ex: I saw someone from my internship yelling at my supervisor outside.  I pulled him aside and talked to him.  He brought up how he was feared in new york, how he robbed and killed people, how he did heroin his whole life, and how he spent 20+ years in prison.  Considering this information, it would be 'easy' to 'hate' this person.  But those things he did are only part of who he is.  When talking to him, I found out about his abuse, what happened to him, his falling into a bad crowd, him being lost and scared.  I heard about his feelings and how his actions were subconsciously directed by his feelings.  He's not a bad person now, although obviously the people he hurt wouldn't agree with that statement.  And that's perfectly fine: they're allowed to feel that way towards a person that hurt them. But for me, I can see both sides. I can see that he's a victim of his environment and that although what he did was wrong; in any moment in time, he was ignorant of what he felt.  Can I blame a man who was beaten, or molested, or had no guidance or direction?  Can I blame a man who was institutionalized and conditioned into being selfish, angry, and violent since that's what helped him survive?  Can I blame this person for his actions when he doesn't even know WHY he did the shit that he did?  I don't hate this client: I pity him.  I feel bad because he's in his goddamn 60's and he's still lost and doesn't understand himself, his addiction, or his prior life.  All he knows is that he wants to get better, but he doesn't even know how to chart that progress.  Well, he hasn't killed anyone or robbed so for him, that would be progress.  But ultimately, I don't hate him.  If I needed to choose one emotion or the other, I guess you could say that I love him.  I harbor no ill will towards him and he's a struggling human being, just like all of his.  His life and actions have been much more dramatic than other people.  He's doing the best he can with the information he has and obviously he fucks up....but all of us do.  By default, I find it easier to love because I'm treating everyone under the same idea: We are all trying our best.  We're all hurt or scared and confused.  We're trying to survive and juggle a lot in our lives.  And we're all resilient enough to still be here.  How can I hate that as a concept if when boiled down, that's every human being we're ever known?  That's the objective truth:  We've all been hurt.  All felt pain.  All made mistakes.  That's life.  That's what makes us human.  The important part is to rise up and keep pushing, keep challenging, keep changing, and keep bettering ourselves, our lives, and then eventually our environment and other people.

 

I fully feel that in my past, I was the embodiment of anger and hate, but I also have come to realize that the reason for the anger and hate was rooted in wasted potential.  I was angry at others because I felt like I was a target.  I was filled with hate and wanted others to suffer like I suffered because that meant they finally understood me.  I wanted to be heard and no one in the world cared or listened.  And I've come to the realization that no one has to listen.  No one has to care.  What matters is I listen to me.  What matters is I care about myself.  Everyone else in the world that is drawn to me or empowers me is a bonus, because ultimately my strength comes from my weakness and pain.  I've used that hate and anger as motivation, as frustration for wanting a better life and a better world.  What I have distilled from all of my experiences and all of my interactions, is that it is easier to love.  I can't turn it off.  I can't compartmentalize the feelings.  I have empathy and because of that concept, I can't have hate be my default and easiest go-to emotion.  I love because I care.  I love because I understand.  I love because when stripped away from the pain, that is the natural state of things.  We all want to connect and make things better.  Mankind's default state isn't to be filled with hate: it's to be filled with love.  Love makes us feel good.  Love is what has us connect to others, to start families, to create life and continue the species.

 

So is it 'easier to love than to hate'?  With not having the knowledge base, the conditioned state for people is to hate.  Therefore, hate would be the answer for a lot of people.  But to those that focus and use empathy and see mankind as a concept and stripping away the anger and bitterness, the answer is love.  And that's my answer: under the assumptions of what these things means, it would be easier to love than to hate.

-

There is another option here.  What if the word 'easier' means 'takes less of a toll and investment'?  *Phew* Ok, that changes things completely.  Without forcing the skill of empathy and being non-judgemental, it is easier to hate.  I put in time and energy to understand myself and that investment would technically make the love-default option considerably harder.  The fact I conditioned myself into removing the environmental influence of hate took effort.  That would mean that if I look at the course of my life, it is easier to hate than to love.  I mean, all it takes is one person punching you in the face to hate them.  All it takes is your first crush to leave you.  All it takes is one person to invest effort and emotions in to betray you.  Any of those, and plenty more outside-the-self influences can easily condition a person to default to hate, thereby making it easier.  If I were to take a snapshot of my life and say, today, which is easier: Love.  If I were to look at the entirety of my life and say which is easier: Hate was.

 

So let's say that empathy and understanding of the self is, in fact, effort; meaning that 'easier' is saying which takes less effort: Hate.  Because hate will occur naturally in life and in your environment.  That's certainly what happened to me.

 

There is also one last dynamic that I think should be explored and will possibly influence and change the answer.  Maybe another question should be asked....

 

"Which hurts more: love or hate."

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Well fuck me sideways, THAT is a question...

 

Where to even begin with this one, huh?  I mean, if you hate a person, think about the motives of hating the person.  Did they say/do something to wrong you personally? Or were they Hitler and did atrocious things and that's the reason you hate?  How close was the person in question that you hate?  All of that needs to be thought about.

 

Then there's the topic of love.  Love hurts a lot.  Plenty of songs have been sung about it and all these rom-coms have their second-act-drama-twist when there is hurt and pain in a possible blooming relationship (only for a feel-good ending where everything works out).  I have to use my current situation with *Her* to try and answer this question.

 

I have known *Her* for years now, and in falling in love with her, I can say that she is near the very top of the list for people that have hurt me.  The hurt comes from being absent, from confusion, and how I feel vulnerable, manipulated, and controlled.  The problem is, I can't get over it.  Part of me doesn't want to get over it.  I've had plenty of conversations where I was told, "Just move on, she's not worth it".  Yet, I can't shake the feeling that she is.  So I suffer, waiting, to find out what will happen.  When I tried rationalizing myself out of being in love with *Her*, I lost something crucial to who I was as a person.  I lost this....internal kernal.  When I tried to remove the love of *Her*, I removed the love of everything.  No, I'm not being dramatic.  Without *Her*, I felt like there was no reason to connect to another person.  I felt such profound loss and emptiness that no one and nothing mattered in my life at that point.  My job?  Who fucking cares?  Talking to other women?  Who fucking cares?  Internship?  Who fucking cares?  School?  Who fucking cares?  My life seemed to crumble because there was nothing to invest in.  There was nothing to fight for.  I felt that I hit a glass ceiling.   A wise man knows his limits, a great man knows he has none.  Yet, when trying to rationalize the lack of love of *Her*, there suddenly WAS a limit.  I felt like I couldn't be my best self.  I felt like I would never find any sort of satisfaction in life.  I have spent years trying to cobble together a network of contacts that fulfill some sort of need in my life.  Yet, without *Her*, none of that mattered.  I want steak, but all I've been eating for so long have been veggy burgers.  They are a cheap imitation of what I really want.  If I was then told, "You'll never have steak again", suddenly my veggy burgers became a permanent for the rest of my life, rather than a temporary change for survival.  This is how I look at *Her*.  I don't want anyone else - she is my steak.  It's not like other options are bad.  The problem is it's not what I want.  My outlook on life became bleak and hopeless.  *Her* being in my life does something almost explainable to me.  It shows me that there are no limits.  The only limit is in my mind if I tell myself I can't do it.  I want that challenge.  That equal.  Because having that equal will bring me to new heights.  Without that sparring partner, the partner in crime, the person who will be there to support and also grow and inspire me; I'm left on my own.  And it's not like I can't still become great: it's that I have less motivation to do so.  The wind in my sails sort of flutters and then disappears.  I feel dead in the water without *Her*, without those feelings for her.  All my interest died.  My world seemed darker; it seemed more gray and muted.

 

If I hate someone, eventually it goes away and then I move on.  Hate fades.  If I love someone though...  This is why the question is so inherently flawed.  The question of intensity needs to be re-evaluated.  There have been people that I loved, like clients or the love of mankind, prior women I talked to.  But *Her*?  She's a whole different topic.  It's not the same ballpark.  It's not the same game.  It's not even the same fucking sport.

 

Fine, let's look at it from intensity.  What's the most hate?   I would have to say that my mom and my ex are almost tied, based on longevity and experiences, for the most intense form of hate.  But look at *WHY* they are....they are both people that I used to love.  Both people that I felt obligated to love.  Both people that were supposed to love me.  And on the opposite end for love is *Her*.

 

Which of these is stronger?  The ex/parent or the woman of my dreams?  My past or my future?

 

...thinking...

...processing...

 

This is opening up a whole can of worms and possibilities.  I was going to say that the hate fades in time, but would turning love into hate then fade as well?  What if *She* disappears again?  Would that love then turn into hate?  Would *She* be the prime example of hate?  I don't think so.  As much as I would want to hate her, I don't think I can.  Again, empathy. 

 

"But Teros, this is Devil's Advocate talking.  If you can assess and forgive *Her* and not feel hate in that way, why can't you not feel hate for your ex and mom?"

 

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You're fucking up my narrative, Me.  *sigh*  Now I gotta think about that. 

 

...processing...

 

To a certain degree, I have forgiven my ex and my mom.  If I have that mankind mantra listed earlier, stating that:

We are all trying our best.  We're all hurt or scared and confused.  We're trying to survive and juggle a lot in our lives.  And we're all resilient enough to still be here.

 

Then I should, in theory, be able to apply this to my ex and mom.  For my mom, I realize she was doing her best; but that didn't matter because I still expressed how I felt and what I needed but she wasn't able to give that.  With my ex, I expressed those things and for 12 years, I didn't get it.  Instead there was anger and resentment from her.  Maybe part of why the relationship was so toxic is that I was holding her up to a standard that she would never fill because as optimistic as I am; she wasn't able to be what I wanted.  She was, in my eyes, a failure.  And I wanted that to change but I couldn't make her change: she had to want to change. 

 

The same can be said about my mom.  She was a failure.  She had to make that change and assess herself.  She needed to see who she was, what she wanted.  She needed to accept the reality that I was myself: I wasn't my 'perfect' sister and I was never going to be.  Maybe the anger and resentment that I feel for my mom is what my ex felt about me; but she didn't want to process it.  Or perhaps it was all unconsciously done with my ex and she, instead of being better, dragged me down.  If she couldn't be better, she was going to make me worse.

 

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Maybe I shouldn't hate my mom for who she was and how she acted.  Maybe i shouldn't hate my ex for who she was and how she acted.  In much the same way, I don't hate *Her* for who she is and how she acted to me, as much as it hurt.

 

Luke 23:34 - Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do...

 

Why can't I let go of hate?  Or have I been, little by little, and learned forgiveness?  I'm in a really weird headspace right now.  I've thought about these things in passing, and dissected them from time to time; but writing all of it out is a different story.  Writing is what makes my thoughts tangible to work with.  I think I will always harbor a certain amount of hate and resentment.  My expectations for what I wanted in life and who I wanted in my life is always going to be let down.  I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be.  I, like everyone else here, is doing the best I can with what I have.

 

So...

"Which hurts more? Love or hate?"

 

Love.  The amount of suffering people are willing to put up with for the sake of love is staggering.  The amount of pain that hate causes is cancerous.  Love and Hate both create pain.  Maybe all of these things just drift in and out.  Maybe all that matters, truly, is the intensity that we put upon ourselves and in our lives.  In much the same way that I wrote about 'what is a person?', it rings true here.  All we are is the Will To Power: the will and motivation to create or destroy; the internal drive to bring purpose to an otherwise purposeless void.  Whichever answer the person chooses in the question of 'Is it easier to Love or to Hate?', the answer is correct.

 

++++++++++++++++++++

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Now that I answered that question, what caused the 2am rant:

 

I was talking to *Her* about the above question.  While discussing this, she wanted me to not factor in the 'love of mankind' angle that I was going with, which, I'm sorry, IS a factor of how I think, even if it doesn't seem relevant to the question.

 

She said the following:

 

"I just. I'm trying to in my head come to terms with my emotions.  To understand why I work the way i do.  Why is it so hard for me to love people. To love you.  And not in the difficulty sense.  It's so easy to hate those I hate.  Loving hurts. It distracts me.  It consumes thoughts.  It drives me insane.  I can't think rationally. I can't compartmentalize love."

 

...And you're not supposed to.  That's the crux.  She mentioned in the conversation that her thoughts were scattered and that she was rambling like a 'mad woman'.  She wasn't.  I understood and the more she expresses, the better I can cobble the pieces together to help her build a narrative of what she's feeling and why.  In typical INTJ fashion, deep down, I don't think she wants help.  She wants to be independent and know that she figured shit out.  But she's going about it all wrong if she's trying to compartmentalize feelings and sort of take them out and play with them and then put them back on a shelf.  That's not how feelings work.  That's certainly not how intense feelings work.  I asked her what she thought of me.  She said she loved me.  So then I asked what the next step was, since we love each other.  She didn't know - she has been playing out tons of scenarios in her life.  What it would be like to be together, to not be together, to be friends, to be lovers, to cut ties completely.  When talking about this, she brought up how she TOLD ME TO DATE, but wanted to know if I was dating.  I was honest - yeah, of course.  And I explained what I stated here before: I needed to fill a void.  And they are cheap imitations of what I really want, which is her.  I'm trying to just get by while I wait for her to pull her shit together.

 

I then had a conversation about this and afterwards, I was fucking pissed.  I fucking hate "subtext".  I hate how there is a lack of direct-ness in conversation.  It makes it even more frustrating and gray when it's through TEXT MESSSAGES, rather than a phone conversation or an in-person conversation. 

 

Just like with the Sabrina example, she took only part of the message and then came to a FAULTY CONCLUSION BASED ON PRIOR PAINFUL EXPERIENCES DICTATING THE FUTURE.  That is not how you should act.  That is not how you should act.  That. Is. Not. How. You. Should. Act.

 

But if it happens, I'm helpless to change that.  I can't clarify the truth if I'm never given a chance.  My Borderline Personality Disorder was acting up - and deep down I'm terrified of the nightmare scenario: 

 

*She* will use faulty logic because of lack of information to come to the conclusion that we shouldn't be together, despite us both loving each other, and in the end, we are both hurt and worse off because of it.  Prior hatred and not able to let go of the past experiences will taint the future and it will seem 'rational' and 'logical' and 'strategic' to cut ties between two people that have raging internal feelings of love for each other, simply because there wasn't enough assessment.  Fear of facing non-compartmentalized feelings is too intense, and therefore the 'best' option is to stuff it all down and then remember the experience as a lost love that never was.

 

That's a nightmare.  A fucking insane nightmare that my BPD with abandonment issues has picked up on.  This is why I don't feel better discussing things.  Because when I hear people say, "Just end it' or 'Cut ties', it makes me feel internally panicked and want to throw up.  It makes me think about how I felt when I tried to rationalize myself out of being in love with *Her*.  That feeling of no motivation or drive.  That spark dying inside of me.  That glass ceiling being put up and not able to break through it.  The grief and tremendous loss of wasted potential for a bright future.  All of it comes crashing down on me when I think of the absence of *Her* from my life.  And the thing is, I've tried to control it.  I've tried to compartmentalize love and it doesn't work.  I'm speaking from experience.  My eyes are open, and I can't just close them because it seems convenient or 'strategic'.  I can't spare myself the pain by making my eyes close tight.  It's called 'falling' in love because it is a loss of control.  And being a goddamn INTJ and trying to impose control on something that is uncontrollable will only generate frustration and anger.  It will make an emotion like love become toxic and unwanted.  It will corrupt something that should never be corrupted, but so often is.  All because of a lack of understanding and *Her* shutting me out.  She doesn't seem to understand that you don't fight love, you roll with it.  You don't plan for a million future scenarios of emotions with another person because the feelings are fluid.  Her trying to contain feelings is like trying to grab sand or water with your hand - You don't grasp on for dear life to hold onto it, you cup your hand, you cradle it, and you let it stay there.  Not doing that will just leave a mess and nothing but frustration.

 

And I don't know how to get through to *Her*. She wants to be independent and get her mind together and that's fine.  I can respect that. But she's using a fucking hammer when she should be using a scalpel and I worry that after bashing her thumb a dozen times from using the wrong method or instrument, that she'll give up, and both of us will lose something that I truly feel is once-in-a-lifetime.  That's where my anger is coming from.

 

 

Oh yeah, and this was my challenge thread lol.  I need to finish these challenge summaries but as you can see, it's been slow as fuck and I've been occupied with lots of other stuff so I'm probably going to keep rolling over this challenge until it's done.

 

 

 

 

 

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That's a lot of processing and headspace work. I'm NOT going to tell you what to do. I will tell you what I think. It's possible that the reason *she* is so hard to let go of has nothing to do with *her*, but rather the idealized image of how good it could be if the two of you got together. The idealized image of *her* and of the two of you together is comforting. It's not *her* you are hung up on, it's the perfect relationship you have imagined that you're holding on to. Again, just a possibility.

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As far as feelings go, love and hate are a lot closer together than people give them credit for. Hate implies a pretty big passion, an emotional commitment. To me, the opposite of love (both the feeling and the action) is apathy. Maybe it’s because of my bipolar or whatever other issues I have, but I’ve never found passionate love and rage to be that far apart, especially compared to simply not caring. Both can be exhausting. 

 

In practice, hate is “easier” because it takes less energy for most people to exercise empathy. The “look out for number one” attitude is already sold pretty strongly on TV and even on some news stations. It’s why hate groups have been flourishing. Yet, I’ve found the feeling of hate to be far more temporary. The process you described earlier is familiar to me, and settling with empathy as you did is sort of the death of the relationship. 

 

My childhood best friend made a huge mistake. The context isn’t terribly important except that it was a betrayal of my trust and even more so, the trust of his wife and brand new baby. I was furious. His wife is family and my strongest value is loyalty. So I was extremely bitter and angry with him for quite a while, especially because he refused to admit making said mistake, thus refusing to learn from it and preventing me from being able to help out in the one way that I could. And helping him was the best way to excercise familial loyalty. I stayed white-hot angry with him. And if it had ever cooled, that would probably have been the death of that relationship. Instead, he came around and we worked things out. 

 

On the the other hand, I have an uncle who betrayed my trust in a pretty emotionally serious way. He pretended it never happened. I realize that (even though he’s a counselor by trade) that he’s a completely untreated for his mental illness. I don’t wish him ill. I simply have no stake in his life, nor do I wish for my family to be near or communicate with his. He is dead to me. It’s sad because I used to practically worship him. I’m closer in age to him than my mom and as the oldest in my generation I was a lot like his little brother. But it was a huge series of betrayals, over time, and I severed emotional ties. All that’s left is wariness and a tired sadness. 

 

It was was an exhausting process, and it really hit on my fear of abandonment in a lot of ways. It exponentially amplified my feelings of loneliness. It didn’t cause the years of misery that was the first half of my 20s, but it certainly exacerbated them. It put some of those first paranoid walls up. My wife called me on those walls and I’ve demolished them as she’s pointed them out. It’s infuriating sometimes to see how we treat others in response to wrongs from some other person. Sometimes we don’t even know it. But it’s always good to find people committed to fixing things when they find them. 

 

I don’t envy your situation. But I’m pulling for you, for what it’s worth. 

 

One thing I might offer is this: being with someone who is fully open with his or her emotions can also be a bit of a rollercoaster ride, too. For me, it’s in a good way. But when you’re both open, it’s inevitable that you’ll both hit hot button issues. Some you’ll solve, others you won’t-you’ll either learn to deal with them, tolerate them for the relationship, or cut and run because they’re too much. Personally, I prefer the rollercoaster with the commitment to figure things out or find a compromise of some kind because my family’s MO was hide your feelings until they blow up or emerge as some insidious passive aggression, and that’s far more stressful in the long run even if it’s easier for me to deal with on a given occasion. 

 

May the Force be with you. 

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5 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That's a lot of processing and headspace work. I'm NOT going to tell you what to do. I will tell you what I think. It's possible that the reason *she* is so hard to let go of has nothing to do with *her*, but rather the idealized image of how good it could be if the two of you got together. The idealized image of *her* and of the two of you together is comforting. It's not *her* you are hung up on, it's the perfect relationship you have imagined that you're holding on to. Again, just a possibility.

 

I have played out that scenario and wondered if maybe I'm idolizing a situation here.  In trying to prove myself right or wrong, I needed to look at all the evidence.  I need to look at the things that I want in a relationship:

1-Intellectual debate/overall intelligence

2-Emotional awareness/emotional intelligence

3-Vulnerability/Honesty/Directness

4-Ambition/Passion

5-Sexual competency/match

6-Physically strong/healthy

7-Artistic expression

 

Before *Her* disappearing from my life, I knew she had 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.  She was working on #6 with doing Krav Maga and crossfit while I was doing my batman lessons.  After her disappearance, I don't know what she has because she has put up a massive wall and distanced herself emotionally from me.  In our conversations, there are times when I ask her about expressing herself and she says that she's trying, but it's 'jumbled' or 'a mess' or 'ramblings'.  I've told her that her words being a mess is fine: just get all of it out.  All of the emotions: just dump them out on the floor and see the mess that's there.  In the same way that I write on here or how I clean the house; the whole idea is to throw everything on the ground FIRST, and THEN make sense of it all.  Trying to pick apart a little piece here or there isn't going to work.

 

So when you say that maybe it's the idealized image of her, I've thought about this and years prior, it seemed she had almost everything that I was looking for.  Our conversations woke my mind up, so I know #1 is true.  Also, she has a PhD and is a super smarty-pants.  #1 hands-down exists.  For #2, we admitted how we felt and explored a lot of that before she disappeared.  It seemed like she was having  hard time with understanding herself so #2 looked like it had strong potential and could be worked on over time.  #3 was there right away- we were telling each other our life stories.  I heard the painful experiences that she went through and she heard mine.  We were coyly joking around at first with flirting but once I said how I felt directly, she did the same and it opened up a door between us.  So #3 totally was there.  With #4, absolutely.  There was a lot in our talks about our goals, dreams, and aspirations.  And those were being worked on simultaneously while we were talking.  I know that #4 existed.  In our conversations, we flirted a lot and expressed our interests sexually.  I know without a doubt that #5 is true.  As I said, she was working on #6 so I know that had potential to be true.  Looking at the list, she was as close to a perfect ideal match as possible.  There was even exploration into what made us annoying to other people.  I remember her telling me that she left wet towels around the house after she dried off, and other little things.  I knew enough about her to know her personality and the times when we would but heads and it really wasn't often.  We both shared the same ideals and conflict-resolution.  Because of this, I knew that if, say, an argument would happen between us; I knew how both of us would handle it.

 

Now, could she have been hyping herself up and maybe making her sound better than she was?  Possibly.  But I also know that there was no real reason to lie at the time of learning about her.  The bigger question I need to know is: are all of these still true today?  I have no idea about that because since she has shut me out, I don't know about the rest to re-evaluate.

 

6 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

To me, the opposite of love (both the feeling and the action) is apathy.

 

Thank you- that's exactly where I was going with all of that when I brought up intensity.

 

8 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

I don’t wish him ill.

 

With my ex, sometimes I *do* wish her ill.  Other times, I realize she's not worth even thinking about and she's a shitshow that I'm glad is out of my life.  That's why I was attempting to apply my thoughts on mankind to my ex.

 

10 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

it really hit on my fear of abandonment in a lot of ways. It exponentially amplified my feelings of loneliness.

 

That was part of what happened when I tried to rationalize myself out of loving *Her*.

 

11 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

It’s infuriating sometimes to see how we treat others in response to wrongs from some other person. Sometimes we don’t even know it.

 

I think that given *Her* past and the conversation we had when she asked why it was so easy to stay filled with hate, but difficult to love; that is a lot of what has happened.  Maybe she made progress and was healing her mind when we first started talking and her getting sick flung her back 20 steps and now she needs to climb back to where she was.  I don't know.  I just don't know.  All of this is speculation until she starts trusting me again and being vulnerable and talking to me more.  Until then, all her texts about self-labeling her thoughts as 'a shitshow' or 'rambling' and confusion will stay as that if she dismisses those thoughts and doesn't share them with me.  THAT is the most frustrating thing about this: I know there is a lot of information that is being omitted and there's nothing I can do to pull it out of her.

 

14 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

being with someone who is fully open with his or her emotions can also be a bit of a rollercoaster ride, too.

 

I fully embrace that and I'm ok with it.

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8 hours ago, Teros said:

Now, could she have been hyping herself up and maybe making her sound better than she was?  Possibly.  But I also know that there was no real reason to lie at the time of learning about her.  The bigger question I need to know is: are all of these still true today?  I have no idea about that because since she has shut me out, I don't know about the rest to re-evaluate.

That question you asked yourself led me to look at the situation another way and re-frame the question. Instead of wondering whether or not you are idealizing her, are you wanting the *her* from before she ghosted you instead of the *Her* she presents to you now?

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