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Teros

Teros Level 50&51&52&53: The Hall of Memories

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23 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That question you asked yourself led me to look at the situation another way and re-frame the question. Instead of wondering whether or not you are idealizing her, are you wanting the *her* from before she ghosted you instead of the *Her* she presents to you now?

 

I know how I felt about *past* her.  I don't know how I feel about *current* her, because I don't know enough information. 

 

I also know that trauma can change a person.... for good or bad.  For all I know, Current her could be even better if given some time. 

 

It's all about how a person handles their resiliency.  If my parents die, I might be look at the experience as me needing to be more independent and find my own way.  Instead of living in the shadow of my parents, I would take the deaths as a lesson and want to grow and mature.  It would be, in a sense, liberating as I found my on purpose and drive.

 

On the other hand, my parent's deaths might be so traumatizing that I have internalized hatred and I channel this through violence.  Aka:

Related image

 

The experience isn't what matters: it's how it's handled.  If *she* channels it in a healthy way and re-evaluates her life and sees her worth, potential, and a direction in life; and if she realizes she's currently miserable and goes on a path to self-improvement, what happened would make Current her a better person than Past her.  If that's the case, then the emotions that I feel for her would probably get even stronger than they have been.  But again, this is all too early to tell, isn't it?

 

+++

I have begun working on my Case Consultation Project.  The CCP is a pain in the ass, but it's doable.  A fellow student have me an online copy of the book.  It's called:

 

Self-Directed Behavior

Self Modification for Personal Adjustment

By: Watson & Tharp

 

1)The CCP is where I select a behavior I want to change.

2)I will review the literature to locate tools that can help me assess the behavior.

3)I will look at the literature for interventions that target the behavior (the book has a bunch of them)

4)I will track my behavior for a week as-is, and then do the intervention and track is again to compare results.

5)I will analyze the behavior and see if it improved.

 

Looking at the possible options, I'm probably just going to something basic, like anxiety reduction.  The problem I have with all of this stuff is I'm always already doing it but whatever, I need a project to do.

 

1) Anxiety

2) Hamilton Anxiety Scale, which is 14 questions that I rate my level of anxiety on a scale of 0-4.  I'm currently seeing what my baseline is.  I mine as well post it here:

 

a-Anxious Mood: Worries, anticipation of the worst, fearful anticipation, irritability: 3

 

b-Tension: Feelings of tension, fatigability, startle response, moved to tears easily, trembling, feelings of restlessness, inability to relax: 3

 

c-Fears: Of dark, of strangers, of being left alone, of animals, of traffic, or crowds:  0

 

d-Insomnia: Difficulty in falling asleep, broken sleep, unsatisfying sleep and fatigue on waking, dreams, nightmares, night terrors: 4+  It can't be higher.

 

e-Intellectual: Difficulty in concentration, poor memory: 1

 

f-Depressed Mood: Loss of interest, lack of pleasure in hobbies, depression, waking early, diurnal swinging: 3

 

g-Somatic (muscular): Pains and aches, twisting, stiffness, myoclonic jerks, grinding of teeth, unsteady voice, increased muscular tone: 2

 

h-Somatic (sensory): Tinnitus, blurring of vision, hot and cold flushes, feeling of weakness, prickling sensation: 0

 

i-Cardiovascular symptoms: Tachycardia, palpitations, pain in chest, throbbing of vessels, fainting feelings, missing beat: 0

 

j-Respiratory symptoms: Pressure or constriction in chest, choking feelings, sighing, dyspnea: 0

 

k-Gastrointestinal symptoms: Difficulty in swallowing, wind abdominal pain, burning sensations, abdominal fullness, nausea, vomiting, borborygmi, looseness in bowels, loss of weight,

constipation: 2

 

l-Genitourinary symptoms: Frequency of micturition, urgency of micturition, amenorrhea, menorrhagia, development of frigidity, premature ejaculation, loss of libido, impotence: 0

 

m-Autonomic: Dry mouth, flushing, pallor, tendency to sweat, giddiness, tension headache, raising of hair: 1

 

n-Behavior at interview: Fidgeting, restlessness or pacing, tremor of hands, furrowed brow, strained face, sighing or rapid respiration, facial pallor, swallowing, etc.: 0

 

Time to total the scores: 3+3+0+4+1+3+2+0+0+0+2+0+1+0 = 19.  <17 is Mild.  17-24 is Moderate. 25+ is Severe.  I'm right on the cusp of moderate.  I mean, considering 2 jobs, school, death of a parent, personal relationship stress and strain, and not knowing wtf I'm doing in my life; that's actually not that bad.  If I could drop this down 3 points, I'm only mildly anxious.

 

For anxiety, it seems that the intervention is the shit that I hate: breathing.  That mindfulness shit that never seems to do anything.  I'm going to look at it more tomorrow or something.

 

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On 3/12/2019 at 12:32 PM, Teros said:

it seems that the intervention is the shit that I hate: breathing

Personally I feel it's better than the alternative ;) 

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I was put in charge to start writing up and adding some curriculum to my agency.  Without only a couple weeks left and me FINALLY able to cut down to 1 day a week, it seemed like the end of my internship would be in an office doing some macro work.  Originally, I was heading this and the other intern was supposed to help.  Also my supervisor was supposed to help.  I get told this week that it wasn't new curriculum: it instead was just brainstorming some ideas since I probably won't get too far into it and that can be the next step for the NEXT interns to come in.

 

I'm fucking crushed.  I was looking forward to this.  And why the hell do you think I can't develop curriculum in like 7 weeks?  It's not that fucking hard.  I spent part of Tuesday assessing the current curriculum and was going to have the 13 meetings condensed into 10 meetings, with the morning uplift and read groups untouched at the start and end of every day.  This meant 4 meetings every day:

 

1-Uplift

2-A curriculum I was developing

3-A curriculum I was developing

4-Reading Group

 

I even looked at how the groups should be organized.  I catagorzied the groups into 'light' and 'heavy' material.  A trauma group would be considered a 'heavy' group.  And the 'money/budgeting' would be a 'light' group.  That way each day had 1 light and 1 heavy.  I was delving into reassessing Anger Management, Relationship/Co-Dependency, and my new group: Criminal Thinking (called something else, though).  If given a couple of days, literally DAYS, I could develop a writing syllabus for each of these classes.  Each class would consist of 4 lessons.  Then it would cycle back to the first lesson.  This means that in the 3 months that a person stays in transitional housing, they would have each class 3 times.  And with there being new people always coming in and out, it would mean that some people in the room would be 'veterans' who have done the whole cycle of lessons twice, and there would be 'newbies' who this is this first lesson.  Facilitating the group would mean that the veterans would, in essence, teach the newbies and in about months, the newbies would be veterans to continue the cycle.  Each lesson was going to consist of about 7 or so minutes of actual teaching and then the rest of the group was going to be facilitating and asking questions to the group and spark a discussion.

 

Now, all of that is fucking gone and I'm extremely pissed about it.  Like, what, I can't fucking do this?  Is there no confidence in me being able to do it?  I already have the criminal thinking and anger management lesson plans figured out.  Two of these 10 groups are halfway done and it's taken me literally one fucking day. 

 

I'm ripshit about this.  I was talking to the other intern and we always have deep conversations - it usually turns into existentialism and best practices.  And I told him out-right: the way the agency is run is NOT best practices.  These clients come into transitional housing 2, 3, 6+ times.  At some point it's time to stop blaming the addict and time to start looking about how to better have lessons imbued into the individual.  It's obvious that going into a room without a lesson plan or idea of what to say or do, or how to deliver and teach the group, isn't helping a majority of people.  And I know, it's a population that is under-served and underfunded and we're obviously dealing with co-occurring disorders here; but that's the point I'm trying to make:  if you are an agency that is working with co-occurring you should, you know, address that shit.  Don't scare people into staying clean and then not give them hope, teach them how to visual aspirations and goals, and give them the knowledge-base to help them think critically about their life and situations.  If you tell people to stay clean, you also need to help them regain their confidence and find healthy coping mechanisms and self-reflection.  Otherwise, it's PAINFULLY OBVIOUS they will relapse.

 

*ugh*  I'm so heated about this.  I explained to the other intern that having these half-assed group is against the NASW code of ethics because it's not comprehensive and does a disservice to the population we are working with.  I don't want to get all high and mighty and be a stickler for rules, but for fuck's sake: you are a 50+ year agency that gets millions of dollars in grant money every year and you can't MAKE A LESSON-PLAN to help the clients to address their mental health?

Image result for what the fuck

 

Despite it being a big task and something that I don't have experience with, I sure as well was still going to swallow down that anxiety and do this because it's the right thing to do.

 

And now that's not happening.  Instead, my last few weeks are supposed to be using my rapport that I have with a lot of the guys to convince them to do a 'vision board', which is basically a magazine cut-out collage of what your dreams are.  Don't get me wrong, that's not a bad idea but..... What the actual fuck am I doing with my hours?  That's a 1-hour arts and crafts thing that maybe some of the guys would be kind of interested in.  You really think that's a more productive use of my limited time here?  A single art project instead of me working on bettering the overall quality of the entire agency which I'm excited and want to do?

 

*deep breaths*

 

You know what it is?  I feel insulted.  I feel like I was given a chance here and before I could even show what I've already done towards this large goal, I was shut down.  I feel belittled.  And it aggravates me because it's something that I know needs to be done and because I'm getting a degree in social work, I obviously care about the well-being of my clients.  This is like a slap in the face to me.  It's like getting a degree in physics and being told I should clean the bathrooms.  Like.. make use of what I'm capable of.  I know that the bathrooms should be cleaned but wtf.

 

--------------

Something else that I know I need to address is what else happened on Thursday.  Since my supervisor said the other intern and I were going to try making a vision board to see what it's like, I instead brought my Wall of Positivity.

 

For those who don't know, it's a posterboard that has about 20 pages'-worth of quotes from all your lovelies on NF all cut out and put together in a collage.  After my supervisor shot me down and said she had a meeting to go to (thanks for the non-existent 2 hours of supervision per week- I got a grand total of 5 minutes...)  I then started to explain to the other intern my board. I told him about how I felt.  I mentioned that this was a time in my life were I felt like I had a second family.  A family that actually understood me and cared about me.  And I cared about them.  I was welcomed with open arms and this whole board was plastered with comments about how I'm an inspiration, that I'm a whole30 guru, a home-gym real life MacGuyver, and all sorts of comments about how proud they were of me.  As I started telling the other intern about this in the office I just... I started crying.  I welled up.  I felt everything.  I felt nostalgia.  I felt anger at myself and at this shitty school program. I felt resentment that I let myself go and regained a ton of weight.  I felt depressed and alone because this was my socializing life-line.  I explained to the other intern that I had no heroes.  I had no one to look up to my entire life; so I made my own inspiration: me.  My future self.  Teros.  The person that I felt was deep deep down inside of me, who just needed a platform.

 

Related image

 

I talked about running the Spartan race with people from NF and I talked about how people called me 'Teros' because that's the person they knew, I finally felt validated.  I had reached a point where I was finally on track and making a lot of progress towards being that hero, being the best self I could be.  And as I was telling the other intern all of this, all the emotions hit me.  I covered my face and took a deep breath and explained that I need to get back.  I need to come home.  Because truly, this was my home and I've slowly become lost.  I check in and post but that's not the same as checking people's threads, making jokes, writing about progress, etc.  I kept these challenges on life support for way too long because I knew if I pulled the plug, I would never come back and I would stay lost.  Despite me barely making a post a week, I know that this anxious energy is stirring up inside me.  I can't quite describe it but I can feel it.  I have 38 more days.  38 days left until school ends, internship ends, and incidentally my birthday hits.  38 days until I feel like I get to finally come home.  I have a lot of plans and if what is churning around in my head is any indication, this is my summer.  MY summer.

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Days Left: 36

 

I have started a new Whole30.  I can't wait any longer.  I can't put off this shit.  I keep telling myself that I'm not doing 'that bad' but I need to admit that I'm a food addict.  I can't have 'just one' of anything.  And I know that's not a healthy relationship with food but I don't fucking care: I never will have a healthy relationship with food.  Sugar hits me and I get high from it.  I detox from it and go through withdrawals.  Not considering this an addiction and trying to "compromise" is not going to fucking work.  So no more having 'just' some rice or 'just' a bagel, or 'just' a couple gluten-free cookies.  No more.  Whole 30.  Today.  Now.

 

Today was my first free Tuesday since uhhh..... September.  I woke up and started batch cooking and I took my time today.  What I made:

 

-Ground turkey with black pepper and garlic.  I'll have this with a bag of steamfresh vegetables.

-Cabbage and hardboiled eggs with a lot of poultry seasoning.  If it's sort of bland, I'll add a pinch of mayo and have with some sweet potato chips.  It's basically chicken-flavored egg salad+cole slaw.

-Cajun pork chops and 2 bundles of asparagus.

-Balsamic mustard ground beef with carrots and mushrooms.

 

As far as schoolwork goes, I'm making progress with my Monday  project.  My hope is to be 95% done with it after this weekend.  Then I have 3 weekends to work on my final paper/project and I'm done.  The class was talking about finals and my last class is Tuesday, April 30.  I'm going to try to get someone to cover my 2nd job on Wednesday May1st.  I'm going to see if I can swap my Friday night 2nd job hours for Monday night job hours.  Then use sick days for Wed/Fri that week for my 1st job.  April 30, I will celebrate and break my whole30.  Then May1st, my birthday, I'm implementing a bunch of stuff and have wed/thur/fri/sat/sun off for my big changes.

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18 hours ago, Teros said:

Balsamic mustard ground beef with carrots and mushrooms.

 

That sounds delicious. Glad you're keeping up with it, buddy.

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15 hours ago, Teros said:

Days Left: 6

Image result for collapse at finish line gif

 

Yep... I'm doing whole30 this month as well and I *completely* understand. Where's the finish line?

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On 4/25/2019 at 7:00 AM, Mae45 said:

 

Yep... I'm doing whole30 this month as well and I *completely* understand. Where's the finish line?

 

The finish line is for 4 years of school coming to an end.  Trust me, I'll be happy when I get back to a whole30.  I'll probably be starting one on May 5th.

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I wouldn't consider what I did even a challenge - I just survived the rest of school and crashed.  I'm moving on and making a REAL fucking challenge for the next one.

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Couple o' days ago I wondered where you'd disappeared and checked this thread again just in case. Good to know you're still alive and congratulations on surviving school. Will be eagerly awaiting your update and new challenge.

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