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Ensi

Ensi - Out Of The Cage (Journal of 2019)

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Hello! Welcome to my Battle Log for 2019!

 

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I may take part in some challenges, but I've come to notice that my goals are no longer something that the 4-week format serves all that well...! I prefer journaling about certain topics, until I've achieved the purpose of journaling. My challenges don't really lie in eating habits or exercise anymore, but in figuring out who I am and becoming my own person. I carry with me some emotional baggage and self-limiting beliefs that I'd like to work on in order to live a life that looks like me. This is what getting out of the cage means: I've built myself a perfect little cage to keep me safe, but these days it's only suffocating me. I recently started dating a man, who's made me see myself and my life from a whole new perspective, and I feel like it's a good thing. Nevertheless, I have a lot to think about, but I feel like I have a possibility to become something new and healthier this year. We'll see!

 

I have a lot of studies and other things to do IRL, but I'll journal here as much as I can! I'm also active in the Intuitive Eating Support Group that's been really helpful in my own IE practice :) Let's have some fun this year! Welcome aboard!

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6 hours ago, Arkania said:

Following :)

 

2 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

Following!!

 

Welcome!! :) Happy to have you here!

 

**

 

I had work today, and now I'm just chilling and spending some time on NF...! Kyle was working at the library today, too :D He surprised me! I asked him earlier where he was working today, and he didn't tell me :'D All in all, I have a relaxed feeling about him. I did have some really anxious thoughts yesterday, but I talked about it with him, and it calmed me down. There are some old memories and feelings that resurface every now and then, but I'm handling it: things are different now. We haven't actually seen each other after Tuesday, and we're gonna have time to hang around together on Thursday (he's at the library again tomorrow, though...). I'm fine with keeping things this light, because we both have a lot of work and studies. I've had some time to get used to this new way of being, and I really like the way things are :)

 

Getting back to my usual rhythm has included making my study schedule and getting back to eating my usual way after holiday foods. I had actual veggies today, and my stomach went crazy :'D Little by little...!

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On 1/4/2019 at 10:50 AM, Ensi said:

My challenges don't really lie in eating habits or exercise anymore, but in figuring out who I am and becoming my own person.

Best of challenges, indeed!

Wishing you all the luck in this new year! <3

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Missed most of your last challenge thread, but have been reading up. As everyone else, I'm really happy for you and Kyle :)  So heartwarming to read about Love Eyes

 

And congratulations on the game graphics feedback! Are you working on anything new on that front? Anything to show us?

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On 1/5/2019 at 1:09 PM, zenLara said:

Best of challenges, indeed!

Wishing you all the luck in this new year! <3

 

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So happy to hear from you, Lara, I've been missing you! :love_heart: Thanks! Wishing you all the luck, too!

 

On 1/6/2019 at 7:54 PM, Tobbe said:

Missed most of your last challenge thread, but have been reading up. As everyone else, I'm really happy for you and Kyle :)  So heartwarming to read about Love Eyes

 

And congratulations on the game graphics feedback! Are you working on anything new on that front? Anything to show us?

 

Thanks, and welcome aboard! :D I currently have nothing going on, but tomorrow starts a new course, and I'm hoping to get back in business ;)

 

**

 

Sorry about my absence! I got an infection, and I'm currently taking antibiotics. I've been really tired, and I've used all my energy on the Dimension of IRL. It's been a mixed bag: discussing with my friends and taking some time to think, I've recognized some things I really want to change in myself. For example, I made a huge issue out of the fact that Kyle smokes, and almost started to nag about it. My friend stopped me and told me to think about it, and boy, did I think about it :D I'm trying to figure out what I think about things, and recognize the things I carry from my family. I can suddenly see so much disgusting shit in the way I think about things (the demands I put on other people and myself) that I've been really tired with myself. I didn't receive unconditional love when I was a kid, and I notice that I'm really bad at giving it back to someone, who's showing it to me now. (I'm starting to cry again...) I also feel like Mom's trying to talk me out of this, and I'm finally forced to either deal with my Mommy issues or dump a wonderful man, because he smokes. Maybe I could throw in something new and start drinking to deal with this shit. Haha!

 

Just kidding, I'm trying to find healthy ways to cope :D I downloaded an app called Pacifica, which helps you to reduce anxiety. It feels like an easy and accessible tool for me right now, and I think it's partly because I want  to change. I was raised to be this perfect and pure little angel that gets everything right and causes no trouble, but that's not me. I have this constant conflict in my head about what I should be and what I want to be. It was easy to be blind to all this when I was alone (even though I started to recognize this last spring), but now that I'm letting in a whole human being, I can't keep trying to control and micromanage everything! I can't! And I don't want to. But yeah, I'm definitely going through some changes right now, and it's scary. I'm trying to take some time to myself, too, and just roll with it. Even though it's hard, I feel like what's happening is very positive. I feel like I could be something a lot more than what I currently am, and I''m trying to stay kind towards myself. Everything's gonna be OK :)

 

As for eating... Food goes to my mouth, and I'm barely thinking about it all that much. I'm making sure to eat enough and include veggies to my meals, but my appetite's been really bad. Practicing IE is not my top priority right now, but I feel like I've been capable of making healthy choices and supporting myself in this time of change. I also try to get some exercise every day. All in all, I'm doing OK, I'm just waiting for the infection to heal :) A couple of new courses have started already, and I have a couple of job offers I need to think about.

 

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2 hours ago, Ensi said:

I'm trying to figure out what I think about things, and recognize the things I carry from my family. I can suddenly see so much disgusting shit in the way I think about things (the demands I put on other people and myself) that I've been really tired with myself. I didn't receive unconditional love when I was a kid, and I notice that I'm really bad at giving it back to someone, who's showing it to me now. (I'm starting to cry again...) I also feel like Mom's trying to talk me out of this, and I'm finally forced to either deal with my Mommy issues or dump a wonderful man, because he smokes. Maybe I could throw in something new and start drinking to deal with this shit. Haha!

 

Just kidding, I'm trying to find healthy ways to cope :D I downloaded an app called Pacifica, which helps you to reduce anxiety. It feels like an easy and accessible tool for me right now, and I think it's partly because I want  to change. I was raised to be this perfect and pure little angel that gets everything right and causes no trouble, but that's not me. I have this constant conflict in my head about what I should be and what I want to be. It was easy to be blind to all this when I was alone (even though I started to recognize this last spring), but now that I'm letting in a whole human being, I can't keep trying to control and micromanage everything! I can't! And I don't want to. But yeah, I'm definitely going through some changes right now, and it's scary. I'm trying to take some time to myself, too, and just roll with it. Even though it's hard, I feel like what's happening is very positive. I feel like I could be something a lot more than what I currently am, and I''m trying to stay kind towards myself. Everything's gonna be OK :)

Whoooooooo I feel you on this. I just started therapy again yesterday and I don't think I've ever left a therapist's office with a sense of 'this is it- this is right.'  Until yesterday. The issues she brought up are ones that at first I was like "finally someone understands this makes perfect sense." And then when I was doing my therapist-homework it really settled in with me what some of the things she said meant. It's shitty trying to deal with this stuff, but we can do it. If you want more details about how similar we are in this respect, you're welcome to PM me, I just don't feel comfortable talking about it openly on the forums yet. <3

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4 hours ago, Ensi said:

I made a huge issue out of the fact that Kyle smokes

 

Wow! That's a tough one. What is society's view on that where you live? (I know it doesn't matter what others think, but I'm curious :)

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On 1/9/2019 at 6:35 PM, Tobbe said:

 

Wow! That's a tough one. What is society's view on that where you live? (I know it doesn't matter what others think, but I'm curious :)

 

Everything's forbidden and people should have personal guardians making sure the society works as planned :DD Long live capitalism!!

 

My infection's getting better, yesterday was the last day of meds. Kyle and I were supposed to meet yesterday, but I couldn't contact him, and it turned out that something really important had come up, and he couldn't make it. I didn't mind that, but the lack of communication made me upset. And when I got upset, I remembered that oh yeah, I have rage in my system, and it helped me to get back on my feet. I've been in such a helpless mode with all the changes that I've forgotten that I'm a badass :D I've been scared and confused, but the rage cleared my head. Yarr! Feeling a ton better already.

 

Today's Friday. I have lectures from 12 PM to 4 PM, and then I have a job gig at the library. I have work there tomorrow, too, so I'm just bringing in the money and enjoying getting stuff done. I'm also thinking of accepting the language tech job offer, because it seems like something I can modify a lot (what I do, the duration of the job, etc.). It's a positive problem to have this many options, and I'm just gonna keep listening to my inner voice to find out what to do. Have a fantastic Friday, everyone!

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23 minutes ago, Ensi said:

I'm also thinking of accepting the language tech job offer, because it seems like something I can modify a lot (what I do, the duration of the job, etc.). It's a positive problem to have this many options, and I'm just gonna keep listening to my inner voice to find out what to do. Have a fantastic Friday, everyone!

 

Love the positivity Thumbs Up Have a great day you too!

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OK, I finally called the student health services this morning and asked for a psychologist's appointment. They don't have any available until April, but I will go and talk with a local youth organization volunteer on Friday. It's just....... it's too much for me right now :D Kyle's having some family issues and he's taking some time to himself, Mom's trying to convince me to let him go and wait for someone better (she's made it very clear that he thinks Kyle isn't good enough for me), I try to talk with my friends but it doesn't fix my Mommy issues... I need help, and I want help, because everything new and exciting and people I like are judged by Mom, and she makes it very clear when she doesn't like something. Or, rather, she denies having hard feelings, but behaves and talks in a way that imply that she's very much having hard feelings. I've had enough!

 

Despite my crisis, I am capable of handling my stuff, and studies are going fine. I've also secured work for next summer: my language tech instructor was extremely generous to suggest that I can work part-time during spring, and if I find work from my own field for summer, I can go back to work with her this autumn. And if I don't get a job elsewhere, I can work with her during the summer, too :) So, now I just need to start sending application letters...

 

So, I'm busy and tired, so I haven't had much time to spend on NF. But I'll keep lurking :D Take care of yourselves! :love_heart:

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OK, things have calmed down a bit during the past couple of days (Kyle's been quiet, I told Mom that I'm focusing on my studies and haven't contacted her), but I notice that I am mentally exhausted. I'm taking the day off today to take care of myself, and study at home. I'll go for a walk and eat well :) Despite everything (or because of it?), I decided to start to take better care of myself. I threw away the sweets I had at home, because I've developed a bad habit of eating these delicious liquorice sweets on a daily basis :'D So, I threw the sweets away, and I'm gonna focus on making healthier choices. I imagine skipping the mindless sugary snacking is gonna help me feel more energetic. I've also done yoga, and I'm trying to get away from social media again: I've slipped back to mindless scrolling, because I've been so exhausted.

 

So, I'm exhausted, but I... understand the reasons? I understand what's happening, so I don't feel desperate and out of control? Most importantly, I don't feel like I should stay in control: I've managed to allow myself to just see what happens, and deal with everything in any way I can. So, I'm taking care of myself, taking some time for myself, and take it one day at a time. May this spring be a time of positive change!

 

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On 1/17/2019 at 10:16 AM, Ensi said:

Most importantly, I don't feel like I should stay in control

 

This is a big one! I've felt the same way around some food choices. And I've talked to my ED therapist about this, and she agreed it was a good step in the right direction. Not getting so worked up about everything is awesome.

 

On 1/17/2019 at 10:16 AM, Ensi said:

So, I'm taking care of myself

 

Good for you! More of this! (And I think that not only goes for you, but for pretty much anyone here :))

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On 1/17/2019 at 10:16 AM, Ensi said:

I threw away the sweets I had at home, because I've developed a bad habit of eating these delicious liquorice sweets on a daily basis

You didn't need to throw them away. They could have found a new home in sunny Spain...  :'D

 

On 1/17/2019 at 10:16 AM, Ensi said:

So, I'm taking care of myself, taking some time for myself, and take it one day at a time.

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On 1/18/2019 at 9:51 PM, zenLara said:

You didn't need to throw them away. They could have found a new home in sunny Spain...  :'D

 

 

I'll remember it next time ;)

 

**

 

So I've been battling an infection, while feeling slightly depressed about how things have been :D I haven't heard from Kyle for over a week now, and I've been torn by Mom, who's telling me to stop it and a friend, who tells me to keep going, even if I feel really uncomfortable. I have just withdrawn from everything and focused on hearing my own thoughts. I feel bummed, for sure, and while I think well of Kyle and hope he feels better soon, I don't know if I want to have anything more with him than friendship - I'm not sure if I'm ready, and we might be too different (the smoking, for example). Then again, I really like him, and not hearing from him is making me imagine things are worse than they are, and I'm focusing on the bad. I'm gonna wait until he sends me a message, and then be honest with him - I'm sure talking with him is gonna clear a lot of things up. I'm feeling calm, because I know I can be honest with him. And I want to be honest with him, because he's the most authentic human being I've met in a long time. Meeting Kyle has been one of the best things that has happened to me, but I can't see what's gonna happen. I guess I'll wait and see!

 

Despite the sucky feelings, I've learned a ton of stuff about myself during these past few weeks, and I regret absolutely nothing. Like, at the same time I have this smug feeling that I've actually done what I've wanted, despite everything? :DD I haven't had practice like this before, but now I've learned that even though I worry about other people's opinions way too much, it doesn't really stop me from doing things. I have fears, anxiety and uncertainty, but I still go and try things out. I actually feel encouraged to try out a few things this spring...! We'll see how it goes :)

 

Earlier this week, I realized that I can't keep worrying about other people all the time, so I made a decision to take better care of myself. I tossed the sweets (note: I'm still having sweets, just not as much, and the quality is more satisfying), and I've made sure to get rest, fresh air, and nutritious food. I've also reached out and talked with friends, I went to talk with someone on Friday (which felt good - I will go see her every two weeks until my psychologist's appointment), and made plans for future. I've slimmed down a bit, and even though I'm tired (the infection), I feel like I want to keep taking care of myself. And it comes from the place of care: I want to have energy and feel better, so I'm making healthier decisions. I'm basically parenting myself right now :)

 

Have yourselves a good Monday, everyone!

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On 1/21/2019 at 8:28 AM, Ensi said:

I want to have energy and feel better, so I'm making healthier decisions. I'm basically parenting myself right now :)

 

That's great! Good for you :)

 

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Hi there :D Sorry for the absence, The Dimension of IRL has been demanding!

 

  • I've had a severe case of UTI, which made me really tired. I'm now taking meds and making a recovery. The diagnosis was a bit late, because I was told to wait and drink a lot, and that maybe I was just too observant of myself after the UTI I had at the beginning of January (I love it when you have issues concerning your lady parts, and you're always told "you're just stressing about it too much").
  • I was so tired that studying and working felt really, really hard. I had to force myself to go to the lectures, I couldn't focus on my essays, and it felt impossible to start anything. This gave me massive anxiety, and I thought something was wrong with my motivation. I'm starting to feel better now, and my energy levels are getting higher :)
  • After the diagnosis, I sent emails all over, telling people that I'm sick and need to rest. Everyone was really supportive, and I realize that I've been trying too hard with too high expectations on myself. I feel calmer now, and I'll keep tabs on being too harsh on myself.
  • Haven't chatted properly with Kyle for a month now. He said he's really busy and has some things he needs to think about by himself, but I think that not starting a conversation with me in a whole month means that he's not that interested anymore. Part of me feels sad, other part relieved, then there's a part of me that doesn't really care. I recognize that I have changed a lot in a month and that there's a whole new way to think about dating. I will send him a message at some point to clarify the situation, and then carry on.
  • I've gone and talked with the "therapist" a couple of times, and it's felt like a good place to vent and discuss my thoughts and ideas. My mommy issues are basically non-existent, since I truly understood at some point that Mom's feelings or happiness aren't my responsibility. So, that's really positive!
  • In the midst of all this, I've tried my best to eat healthier and find moments of rest. It's been for the best, and today I felt some genuine love towards myself, and I want to take care of myself as the summer gets closer and closer :)

 

So, now what? Studies, finding myself better again after so many changes and challenges, and enjoying life :) I'll try and be more active here now, as well! I've missed you all <3

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I was wondering where were you. Sorry that you've been going through a rough time, but glad to see you back amongst us :)

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17 minutes ago, zenLara said:

I was wondering where were you. Sorry that you've been going through a rough time, but glad to see you back amongst us :)

 

Thank you :love_heart: This is my personal Ragnarok. And I mean that in the style of Thor: Ragnarok :D I've had had to take a good, long look at myself and my life, and it's been a disgustingly honest and dirty experience, at the most part. I've seen some ugly stuff, but also a lot of good stuff. Now I'm trying to find the daydreamer in me, and build myself up better.

 

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(I guess I have the same character flaw as Thor: not believing in no-win situations and instead thinking that there's no way I won't win in the end. Whatever winning means... Sometimes it's not quite as I think, but my ultimate victory is to be calm and healthy, so... Here we go!)

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6 hours ago, Ensi said:

 I'll try and be more active here now, as well! I've missed you all <3

 

Glad to have you back! And happy to read that things are feeling good at the moment :) 

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Oohhhh my.

 

  • I decided to let Kyle go and not contact him anymore. My final message to him was a very vague "if you feel like it, send me a message" kinda message, and I haven't heard of him since. I feel relived and peaceful, like I'm myself again :) The situation got ridiculous, and I feel so much happier now that I don't have to think about it anymore. He's a lovely person, but not the right for me.
  • I got strength to do this by talking with Vinnie on Messenger. He's a like-minded introvert, and he helped me to realize it's over between me and Kyle. We talked about how we both like being alone, but he's changed his mind about it and is moving in with the woman he's currently with. We also talked about our relationship and the fact that we have a strong bond, no matter what (he said he would have asked me out for a date long ago, but things happened differently). I'm very, very grateful to have him in my life. He had an evening shift at the library, and I went there to hang out with him and do my math homework.
  • Grandma passed away today. She has been in a care home for a couple of years now. She passed peacefully, which is good. I feel bad for Dad, though. I need to travel to Winterfell at some point, for the funeral the latest.

 

As you can imagine, I'm going through a ton of emotions here, but at the bottom of it all, I feel peaceful. I feel like there's a weight lifted off my shoulders, but I also feel like Kyle has given me some experiences that have been really good for me. I'm happy to keep studying and enjoying the spring - there's more and more light every day!

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On 2/15/2019 at 4:44 PM, Ensi said:

I decided to let Kyle go and not contact him anymore. My final message to him was a very vague "if you feel like it, send me a message" kinda message, and I haven't heard of him since.

 

Will you still bump in to him at the library, if he works as a guard there?

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