Ensi - Out Of The Cage (Journal of 2019)

[Ensi]

On 7/10/2019 at 12:00 PM, zenLara said:

Hi! How's life going?

 

 

https://66.media.tumblr.com/86af63c0a243e5c4af12f4c4e51e0acc/tumblr_pu99nxdME51tk2heto5_250.gif

 

Thanks for checking up on me :) My depression went really bad, and I took a break... no, wait, I didn’t take a break, I just slowly stopped doing things. Nothing brought me joy, and I was just crying most of the time. In the midst of all this, I dragged my ass to a psychologist, who recommended me therapy, and next I dragged my ass to meet a psychiatrist, who encouraged me to go to therapy, as well. She gave me a depression diagnosis, so now I wait for three months before I meet her again and get a diagnosis that’ll get me social support for therapy (which helps me to pay only about a third of what it would actually cost — we have this system in Finland, which is pretty neat). I’m currently searching for a therapist for autumn, and I will meet the first one on Friday. We’ll see how it goes...!

 

So, yeah. I’ve been really tired going over the things that have lead to this (basically, my feeling of worthlessness makes me try too hard, which exhausts me), but knowing that I’m getting professional help feels so relieving that it’s hard to express it in words. I haven’t had a depressive episode like this in a very long time: everything just seemed doomed and hopeless, and my energy levels have been really low + the disordered eating symptoms have been really taxing + I’ve been missing Kyle. I was even too tired to come here, my depression was telling me that it’s pointless to come here when I never get to where I want to, and that no one cares anyway. I know it isn’t true, but I’ve just felt powerless, trying to make everything feel good and go my way. It was too much for me. I think that dating Kyle and everything related to it (not Kyle himself, just the things that I realized back then) triggered this whole thing, and now I’m just having a lot of pain trying to grow through this all.

 

As bad as it has been, I’ve been functional, and I feel like I’ve started to look ahead. I got myself a gym membership yesterday, and I’m gonna hit the gym for some gentle exercise twice a week :) No maximum performances, just a normal gym workout that makes me sweat and gives me energy! I also got myself a Manduka Pro yoga mat, which has been great, and I’m gonna do gentle yoga a couple of things a week. And, despite all this, I’ve been succesful in work and studies. I even got a sidejob as an illustrator for a short project that’s over now, and got paid pretty well! I had a two-week vacation, and got back to work today. All in all, I finally think I’m gonna be OK, it’ll just take time. I’m going to deal with the things that make me so exhausted, and find a lifestyle that suits me. It’ll be a long process, but I’m sure it’ll improve the quality of my life very, very much. And I want to come back to have fun with ya’ll :) How have you been?

[Lara]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. Depression is a bitch. It astonishes me how it allows us to go on with our lives, but yet everything feels so dull and not worth the effort. I have had my own periods so I might be able to understand a bit what you're going through and it is not a nice ride.

I'm glad that you've made the decision to go to therapy, you seem very positive about it and with that attitude I'm sure it is going to be helpful.

Also glad to hear about your sidejob, and about your kind approach to enjoying some movement in your life.

How are you enjoying your new mat? Is it reliable enough? I'm quite disappointed with my own mats, which don't allow me to comfortably hold a downward dog in summer, so slippery. I guess you can't ask too much to a mat at 40ºC, but still...

 

It's been a really nice surprise to find your answer here today. Please keep coming and update now and then if you find the energy or the mood to do it. I do care <3

[Ensi]

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. Depression is a bitch. It astonishes me how it allows us to go on with our lives, but yet everything feels so dull and not worth the effort. I have had my own periods so I might be able to understand a bit what you're going through and it is not a nice ride.

I'm glad that you've made the decision to go to therapy, you seem very positive about it and with that attitude I'm sure it is going to be helpful.

Also glad to hear about your sidejob, and about your kind approach to enjoying some movement in your life.

How are you enjoying your new mat? Is it reliable enough? I'm quite disappointed with my own mats, which don't allow me to comfortably hold a downward dog in summer, so slippery. I guess you can't ask too much to a mat at 40ºC, but still...

 

It's been a really nice surprise to find your answer here today. Please keep coming and update now and then if you find the energy or the mood to do it. I do care <3

 

Thanks Lara  Yeah, I think therapy is the only logical option for me. My years of self-help books and venting to friends have helped a lot, but I realize that I have a lot I haven't processed. I'm not suicidal at all, just to make sure, I just feel very tired and can't seem to find a way forwards. There are some moments when I feel fine, good even, and I try to hold onto those moments I ran into Kyle yesterday, which made my knees go weak and my mouth went dry, I was so nervous. I had a cry at home, and then I put on some Queen and painted a picture of Freddie Mercury. I find that it soothes me  I just try to be very gentle with myself and do things that make me feel better. I'm gonna hit the gym again today, because the exercise really helps. And I know that you care, I've missed you all <3

 

The Manduka mat has a break in process that makes people either love it or hate it...! My mat felt slippery, so I took it to the park and let it sit in the direct sunlight with some salt sprinkled on it, then I washed it and let it dry in the sun. This makes the break-in process faster, and the mat is already a lot less slippery. Some hate it that this process has to exist, but it's like breaking in a pair of new shoes, and I don't mind that it might take some time - it'll just get better over time. Overall, the mat feels like it's very high quality, it's very dense and supportive, and it stays in place perfectly. Loving it, so far, it feels supportive under my knees. But yeah, you can't ask for a miracle at 40 degrees :'D try putting a towel on the mat during this time of the year to prevent slipping?

[TheGreyJedi-Ranger]

23 hours ago, Ensi said:

 

 

https://66.media.tumblr.com/86af63c0a243e5c4af12f4c4e51e0acc/tumblr_pu99nxdME51tk2heto5_250.gif

 

Thanks for checking up on me My depression went really bad, and I took a break... no, wait, I didn’t take a break, I just slowly stopped doing things. Nothing brought me joy, and I was just crying most of the time. In the midst of all this, I dragged my ass to a psychologist, who recommended me therapy, and next I dragged my ass to meet a psychiatrist, who encouraged me to go to therapy, as well. She gave me a depression diagnosis, so now I wait for three months before I meet her again and get a diagnosis that’ll get me social support for therapy (which helps me to pay only about a third of what it would actually cost — we have this system in Finland, which is pretty neat). I’m currently searching for a therapist for autumn, and I will meet the first one on Friday. We’ll see how it goes...!

 

So, yeah. I’ve been really tired going over the things that have lead to this (basically, my feeling of worthlessness makes me try too hard, which exhausts me), but knowing that I’m getting professional help feels so relieving that it’s hard to express it in words. I haven’t had a depressive episode like this in a very long time: everything just seemed doomed and hopeless, and my energy levels have been really low + the disordered eating symptoms have been really taxing + I’ve been missing Kyle. I was even too tired to come here, my depression was telling me that it’s pointless to come here when I never get to where I want to, and that no one cares anyway. I know it isn’t true, but I’ve just felt powerless, trying to make everything feel good and go my way. It was too much for me. I think that dating Kyle and everything related to it (not Kyle himself, just the things that I realized back then) triggered this whole thing, and now I’m just having a lot of pain trying to grow through this all.

 

As bad as it has been, I’ve been functional, and I feel like I’ve started to look ahead. I got myself a gym membership yesterday, and I’m gonna hit the gym for some gentle exercise twice a week No maximum performances, just a normal gym workout that makes me sweat and gives me energy! I also got myself a Manduka Pro yoga mat, which has been great, and I’m gonna do gentle yoga a couple of things a week. And, despite all this, I’ve been succesful in work and studies. I even got a sidejob as an illustrator for a short project that’s over now, and got paid pretty well! I had a two-week vacation, and got back to work today. All in all, I finally think I’m gonna be OK, it’ll just take time. I’m going to deal with the things that make me so exhausted, and find a lifestyle that suits me. It’ll be a long process, but I’m sure it’ll improve the quality of my life very, very much. And I want to come back to have fun with ya’ll How have you been?

I feel this, friend <3 I 100% was in the same place for a while. I dropped off the face of the earth back in February and only just hopped back online. I miss you! I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm so proud of you for getting help. 

 

I Hope that your positive and happy days outnumber your dark and sad days! 

[Ensi]

3 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

I feel this, friend <3 I 100% was in the same place for a while. I dropped off the face of the earth back in February and only just hopped back online. I miss you! I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm so proud of you for getting help. 

 

I Hope that your positive and happy days outnumber your dark and sad days! 

 

Thank you, I’ve missed you too <3 And thanks, going through this is very tough and challenging. I see future as a very dark place right now, and I dread to think about studying and working during the cold winter — and this is where mindfulness is a really helpful approach to things... I’m gonna spend the evening by doing some daydreaming and thinking what I would actually like to happen. This year has really torn me to pieces, and I need to create myself space and time to reconfigur myself (we can totally talk about me as a computer? As in, my depression is a virus and has messed up my hard drive? But it can be fixed, I’m no Windows...). Meeting Kyle made me actually think about how he’s not present in my life anymore, except in my head. It might be a start for moving on, hopefully...

 

I went to the gym, which improved my mood considerably, and went to sauna later on. I have a very simple gym routine: programmes A and B, which I rotate. They are kinda similar, which is good, since I’m just now getting back in lifting and getting in shape. I try not to make exercising strict and punishing, I just want to get some movement and endorphines, ya feel? I’m also trying to take it easy at work, especially now that I just got back, instead of pushing myself too hard. So far so good... I also kept working on the Freddie painting, which is turning out a lot nicer than I thought it would  I spent the final two days of my vacation in Helsinki, throwing money on everything I wanted, and one of those things was a new set of gouache tubes, which have turned out to be amazing. So, gym makes me happy and painting makes me happy. I’ll include more of those in my calender  (haha look at me, right back to writing novels...!)

[Jupiter]

17 hours ago, zenLara said:

How are you enjoying your new mat? Is it reliable enough? I'm quite disappointed with my own mats, which don't allow me to comfortably hold a downward dog in summer, so slippery. I guess you can't ask too much to a mat at 40ºC, but still...

 

Have you tried yoga gloves? 

[Lara]

20 hours ago, Ensi said:

I put on some Queen and painted a picture of Freddie Mercury

Cool!!

 

13 hours ago, Ensi said:

Meeting Kyle made me actually think about how he’s not present in my life anymore, except in my head.

Yeah, that's tough. I guess the only advice is "give it time"? Which is not very helpful, I know.

 

13 hours ago, Ensi said:

I have a very simple gym routine: programmes A and B, which I rotate.

That's great. When you're in a lot of trouble, the best thing is to avoid the need to make decisions and go straight ahead to do something. I hope that you're having fun with it!

 

Thanks for the explanation about the mat, I didn't know yoga mats needed any of that.

 

4 hours ago, Jupiter said:

Have you tried yoga gloves? 

Is that a thing? I'll take a look, thanks.

[Ensi]

6 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

 

Thanks for the explanation about the mat, I didn't know yoga mats needed any of that.

 

 

 

Just a quick answer to this: not all yoga mats! The manduka mats are different in this sense. Treating some other mats this way might be really harmful, and it’s not commonly recommended to let your yoga mat to sit in the sun for a long time. So, please don’t take your mats out there just yet  Yoga gloves or a towel on your mat might be better options for hot weather, for sure.

[Jupiter]

6 hours ago, zenLara said:

Is that a thing? I'll take a look, thanks.

 

Yup, they give you a better grip on the mats, I love them. They have socks too. These are the ones I use, but they have others:

 

https://www.gaiam.com/products/05-58825_2?variant=32665643585 

[Lara]

20 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Just a quick answer to this: not all yoga mats! The manduka mats are different in this sense. Treating some other mats this way might be really harmful, and it’s not commonly recommended to let your yoga mat to sit in the sun for a long time. So, please don’t take your mats out there just yet

Yeah, I had understood it was for the Manduka ones  Although one of my mats could benefit from a salt rub, haha.

 

11 hours ago, Jupiter said:

Have you tried yoga gloves? 

 

21 minutes ago, Ensi said:

might be better options for hot weather,

On second thought, I don't think I could wear them with this heat, honestly

[Ensi]

On 7/24/2019 at 11:09 AM, zenLara said:

Yeah, that's tough. I guess the only advice is "give it time"? Which is not very helpful, I know.

 

That's great. When you're in a lot of trouble, the best thing is to avoid the need to make decisions and go straight ahead to do something. I hope that you're having fun with it!

 

 

"Time is all it takes!"

 

 

Haha this video seriously has helped me to get a grip :'D And yeah, having clear gym programmes is really good. I track the weights and reps, and it's nice to see if I can lift a bit more every time I'm trying to keep from getting too fixated, though, I just want to de-stress and enjoy myself. The extreme attitude has ruined gym for me in the past, so I'm trying to learn a bit more casual attitude this time around.

 

I met a therapist for an interview, and she was OK. She has years of experience, and I feel like I already got some more clarity on my situation. Then again, I'm gonna look around, I have until October before I can start seeing a therapist with the social support. But yeah, a positive start I am starting to understand that I'm just really unsatisfied with my life, because I spend tons of energy to achieve the kind of life I think I should strive for (a relationship, starting a family, getting a stable job etc.). But it's really boring to me, and I am in a constant defense mode, feeling like I'm not allowed to live my life my way. What happened with Kyle demonstrated this in a very clear way: some told me he's not good enough for me and that I should wait for someone better, and some told me that I should just keep going instead of things that worried me. Instead of thinking for myself, I tried to make everyone else happy and make them understand the situation. Maybe others saw issues that would have come up later, but I wanted to come to those conclusions myself. I'd like to take more responsibility, but I don't feel like I'm capable, because there's so much I need to take in account. Starting to understand these issues has made me think about the options I have, and I don't feel quite as hopeless anymore.

 

 

I'm working today at the library, yay! Getting back there after a break  Have a lovely Sunday, y'all!

[Lara]

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

Maybe others saw issues that would have come up later, but I wanted to come to those conclusions myself.

I don't know which kind of people you're talking about, but sometimes people appreciate you and don't want you to go through some things they see coming. A situation is always easier to understand and look at from outside, and this makes people want to help you/warn you/show you they know better. My boyfriend has this friend that had been married for a few years, and we could see they were going to divorce way before they were even conscious of how bad their relationship was. The situation was so easy to grasp from the outside, we could easily see how she was taking the steps to distance herself from her husband, and he was completely blind. We decided to wait until he would be ready to understand the situation and talk about it, and maybe some people would say that we are bad friends and should have warned him, but it is delicate to know when you will actually help or when you're just meddling in.

 

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

I am starting to understand that I'm just really unsatisfied with my life, because I spend tons of energy to achieve the kind of life I think I should strive for (a relationship, starting a family, getting a stable job etc.). But it's really boring to me, and I am in a constant defense mode, feeling like I'm not allowed to live my life my way.

Seems like a very good topic to discuss with the therapist. Or to nerdfit about

 

The video is AWESOME!

[Ensi]

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

I don't know which kind of people you're talking about, but sometimes people appreciate you and don't want you to go through some things they see coming. A situation is always easier to understand and look at from outside, and this makes people want to help you/warn you/show you they know better. My boyfriend has this friend that had been married for a few years, and we could see they were going to divorce way before they were even conscious of how bad their relationship was. The situation was so easy to grasp from the outside, we could easily see how she was taking the steps to distance herself from her husband, and he was completely blind. We decided to wait until he would be ready to understand the situation and talk about it, and maybe some people would say that we are bad friends and should have warned him, but it is delicate to know when you will actually help or when you're just meddling in.

 

 

You're absolutely right, it's hard to help people from the outside, and I do know that the people who were involved only wanted to help me. Then there were people, who told me straight away that "he's not good enough for you" (the exact words), which didn't really help me see anything: these people hadn't even met Kyle, ever. I felt that it was unfair at the time, and I got defensive. I think I'm mostly frustrated with myself for being so overly concerned with others - it was a very messy time for me, emotionally, and I felt like everyone else was right and I knew nothing. I've been sad and bitter, and I've blamed others for not giving me space with this issue. I understand that things would have worked out, had they been right, but I've been too sad and hurt to think about this in a healthy way. I don't want to blame anyone for anything anymore, though, and I'm just trying to move on and learn to trust myself more so that there will be less situations like these in the future. (I may sound immature for blaming others, and that's probably true. It was a new situation for me in many ways, and I only then realized about how much I still suffer from my issues and some unhealthy family dynamics. I didn't know better, but it'll hopefully change now...)

 

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

The video is AWESOME!

 

It is  I heard it was based on the experiences of the writer, so it might even be true on some level, too.

[Lara]

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

Then there were people, who told me straight away that "he's not good enough for you" (the exact words), which didn't really help me see anything: these people hadn't even met Kyle, ever.

Not helpful at all, yeah.

I'm sorry you've been in such a situation. It is easy to fall into self-doubt when the people surrounding you are making such comments. Maybe you're still too emotional about the situation, but you're a very smart woman, I'm sure you will learn a lot from this experience *hugs*

[Ensi]

5 hours ago, zenLara said:

Not helpful at all, yeah.

I'm sorry you've been in such a situation. It is easy to fall into self-doubt when the people surrounding you are making such comments. Maybe you're still too emotional about the situation, but you're a very smart woman, I'm sure you will learn a lot from this experience *hugs*

 

Thanks for your support  It's been hard to look at this as a learning experience because of the depression, but that's exactly what this has been. I feel like I'm starting to find a new way, or more exactly, I'm going back to things I enjoy (gym, healthy eating, work and studies) but now I'm trying to learn to live in a way that doesn't exhaust me as much. I feel like I'm at the beginning of something again, instead of at the end. I haven't had the energy for that beginner mindset, but it's crucial right now.

 

 

Btw do you have a challenge or a battle log at the moment?

 

I worked at the library today, and I just completed a kettlebell circuit with some modifications (only 12 squats per round). First, I was gonna do only 3 rounds (level I), but then I just felt good and kept going all 5 rounds (level III). It's 32 degrees Celcius outside, and I haven't been this sweaty during a workout in ages... But it felt really nice, and now I'm gonna have an evening snack  Maybe 2 gym workouts and one circuit workout a week could work for me... For this first month. I don't start at level 0, for sure, but I'm gonna give my body time to get used to working out again.

[Lara]

15 hours ago, Ensi said:

now I'm trying to learn to live in a way that doesn't exhaust me as much.

Sounds healthy.

 

15 hours ago, Ensi said:

I feel like I'm at the beginning of something again, instead of at the end

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

 

15 hours ago, Ensi said:

Btw do you have a challenge or a battle log at the moment?

I did a very successful gif unchallenge this past month and now I'm leaving for a week in the wilderness. Don't know what I'll do when I come back.

[Ensi]

6 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

 

True! I had a psychologist's meeting today, and things are getting along. As I walked home and thought about committing for a year in therapy, I suddenly got a familiar feeling: I have a plan, and I know what to do. It's been a while since I had that feeling...! One little step at a time, though

 

6 hours ago, zenLara said:

I'm leaving for a week in the wilderness. Don't know what I'll do when I come back.

 

That's such a Wolverine thing to do!! Will you go camping?

 

[Lara]

On 7/29/2019 at 6:01 PM, Ensi said:

Will you go camping?

Absolutely!

[Ensi]

On 8/2/2019 at 11:38 PM, zenLara said:

Absolutely!

 

I hope it's been pleasant for you!

 

It's a new week, and my last week was pretty good. I went to the gym twice, and I'm trying to stay active by walking to places and working by a standing desk. I'm able to lift heavier weights every time at the gym, and I'm gonna continue this steady progress for another two weeks instead of trying something new/harder too soon: I don't want to break myself by starting too hard. I'm also gonna go jogging twice a week: slow and steady, just to get my body moving. I'm trying to prioritize good feeling and health now, since I've been struggling with "I have to lose weight" thoughts a lot. I try not to make them go away, instead I try to reinforce the "I am getting some exercise to feel better" thoughts.

 

I'm gonna go jogging soon. My mood has been better lately, and I contacted a local therapy center to ask, if they have available therapists this autumn. I'm gonna contact them again later this week to hear, if they have anything for me  I've gone through a lot of mental changes this year, and I'm still adjusting and growing. Pheww. Better to put some music on and go for a run!

[Lara]

3 hours ago, Ensi said:

I hope it's been pleasant for you!

 

I uploaded some pictures to my battle log if you want to take a look. The place was awesome. And yes, we had a great time, and I wish I could stay they forever. Well, not forever, but, well, yes, forever

 

I see you've kept yourself busy. Nice.

Sorry that you're having those "weight" thougths, but you know already is not a matter of weight, but of how we feel and move. And in that aspect you seem to be doing great.

[Ensi]

On 8/5/2019 at 9:27 PM, zenLara said:

 

I see you've kept yourself busy. Nice.

Sorry that you're having those "weight" thougths, but you know already is not a matter of weight, but of how we feel and move. And in that aspect you seem to be doing great.

 

Thanks  Another week is almost behind. I’ve gone for two runs, done one gym workout, and just kept active. I got myself a Fitbit, which has confirmed that I am active enough every day  I was worried that it might make me try too hard with exercise, but instead it’s just a tool that has confirmed that I am already very active. It’s fun to keep an eye on the stats, and I try not to take it too seriously.

 

I traveled this weekend to visit the company I made the illustrations for, and it was so nice that I was a bit weirded out at times  There was this man I’ve been mostly in contact with and his two kids. We tested the application, then he offered a lunch + coffee, and then we went sailing! I’ve never sailed before, and he even let me steer the boat. So, I’ve now steered a sailing boat...! It was really relaxing and nice, but I was also slightly weirded out to hang out with this man and his kids. Only this morning did I realize that it’s a ”cultural” thing: they’re basically Swedish, and they’re just generally very open and welcoming (at least most of those that I’ve met), and it’s a small town - it’s very different from what I’ve used to, a lot less formal. It was cool to hang out, but my introvert batteries were really empty after spending the day with new people. I was also offered more work, and we agreed to stay in touch later on  I just need to map out my studies and work this autumn, because I notice that I’m worried about having too much to do: I’m still recovering from depression, and I need to take care of myself. My self-esteem is low, and I think that I can’t handle things, so that’s something I need to work on. I’m happy that I’m gonna go to therapy... I feel like things are getting better, but I still struggle with understanding myself, my needs and my wants. I could spend some time mapping out these things, maybe I could find something there.

 

It’s Sunday, and I’m having a rest day with a lot of good food. I might go do a lighter gym workout later on, and next week will be an overall lighter week: I’ve thought about having a lighter week every three weeks to let my body rest. All in all, I feel like these three weeks have been a great start for exercising again, and getting some movement has made me feel better about myself! My energy levels are better and my mood is more stable  Now I’m gonna have a snack, and keep playing Tetris Effect on PS4. I’m very hooked...

[Lara]

7 hours ago, Ensi said:

he even let me steer the boat.

Aaaaarrrrrr!

[Ensi]

Popping in for a status report...!

 

• I’ve gone to the gym and jogging, but had a break this week because of cold. I’m waiting to get back in exercising soon
• Seeing the therapist for a couple of times and talking about the sh*t that bothers me has already helped wonders. I have decided to take a break from studies and work at the library instead  I love it, and I have understood that I already have everything I need to create and sell art. I’m not very motivated to study right now, and allowing myself to take this break has done wonders to my mood

 

That’s it, in short. I’ve had many realizations since the last post, and now I just feel that working at the library and creating art is what I want. Also, more income and more time for myself! It’s hard for me to explain how relieved it makes me to stop chasing things that haven’t really made me happy, and make a choice that feels right (the library, that is). I am gonna start the therapy in October - and I guess I didn’t tell you, but I found a really good therapist! She’s firm, but has a good sense of humour. She also listens really well, and asks me some questions and challenges me. All in all, I feel happy to start therapy  It feels like things are changing for better now.

 

I also purchased a subscription to Brilliant app, which is a studying platform. I’ve replaced some social media browsing with tackling logical puzzles, and it’s been a lot of fun  I’m sorry I haven’t been that active here, but it’s been a hectic time IRL, and I’ve been feeling low and unmotivated (despite the positive things). Have a good Thursday evening, everyone