Little Turtle's Mental Health Challenge

[LittleTurtle]

 

So here's the thing.  I have written and rewritten my challenge for the New Year so many damn times that it's become totally counterproductive.

 

So stop overthinking this!!

 

My mental health is what needs the most TLC at the moment.  I have a lot of personal shit that I'm trying to sort through, and I also suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder which usually hits it's peak in January.  So I'm a ball of fun right now, lemme tell ya...

 

GOALS

1:  Journal at least 3 times per week (even when I feel like I have nothing to write about).

2:  Schedule appointment with counselor and follow through.

3:  Turn on "happy" lamp for at least 15 minutes 5 days a week on workdays.

 

 

By this time next month, I will hopefully be involved with another theatre production, and I know that will help more than anything else in the world.  Just gotta make it through January!

 

 

 

[Jean]

2 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

So stop overthinking this!!

 

So much this. Glad to have you on the way. Crossing my appendages for the theater thing.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Following along to offer support along the way.

[LittleTurtle]

20 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

2:  Schedule appointment with counselor and follow through.

I just made my appointment with a counselor.  Tomorrow at 1:30 pm.  I just need to make sure that I stick with it for a little bit.  Typically, I'll make one appointment and get really embarrassed about spilling my guts out and then not schedule a follow-up.  I'm very well aware that that line of thinking makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. 

 

Side note:  Is there anyone out there that might be able to explain to me why, when I eat healthier foods (fruits and veggies especially), I feel SO MUCH WORSE than when I eat something that is considered "less-than-healthy?"  My stomach is killing me today and I feel miserable!  I never used to have a problem with this until recently.  I keep thinking, "Eff it!  Hand me a cheeseburger ASAP!!  Cheeseburgers never betray me this way!"  

[Doaheem]

I always thought that it's because your body develops cravings... primarily for salt/sugar (is there a craving for greasy deliciousness?) from the heightened quantities you get from deliciously evil junk food like cheeseburgers that aren't present in a humble pile of cabbage so there's an initial 'withdrawal' that you get from the lack of such artery-clogging wonder. 

 

Therapists are scary... the vulnerability is scary. That fear of oversharing is real and you're all like "OMG that guy is going to put me in a padded room" but it doesn't happen but you still worry. You got this   I've never had enough money to visit much in the way of quality therapists and only have negative experiences to draw on but I'm still hopeful for the future and I'm hopeful for your appointment.

 

What're you working on journaling? Feelings? Daily stuff?
What about that Happy Lamp? Is it one of those blue light lamps? I have one too and they're sooooo awesome That sucker is single-handedly getting me through winter's SAD lol.

 

I'm with you! You got this!

[Jean]

I was going to answer but I had written basically the same thing than Doaheem so, what he said.

 

That and facing our guts is both akward and scary, especially so when there's someone to see us do it and especially especially when that someone is some sort of figure of authority whom we may put above our fears and mistakes.

 

Many (I want to say most) couselors end up there because they know these waters all too well, though. They are ridden with failures and fears and weaknesses as we all are. They're good at helping us party because of it and partly because it's way easier to take care of someone else's shortcomings than facing one's own (meaning they're better at helping us than themselves, just like their friends are there for them).

 

So, no:

1 hour ago, LittleTurtle said:

I'm very well aware that that line of thinking makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. 

 

It does make sense. But making sense or not, going back or not is still a choice that's yours to choose. None of these options will spawn a "game over" screen in front of you and neither getting back there or not will instantly solve everything for you. You're on the stage, it's yours to choose what role to play.

 

It may be out of place but... have fun!

[LittleTurtle]

2 hours ago, Doaheem said:

I've never had enough money to visit much in the way of quality therapists and only have negative experiences to draw on but I'm still hopeful for the future and I'm hopeful for your appointment.

 

What're you working on journaling? Feelings? Daily stuff?

I'm fortunate enough to have a job that provides an Employee Assistance Program.  If I choose a counselor through the program - it is paid for by my employer.  I've had a few fantastic counselors in the past that I paid for out of my own pocket, but yeah - it cost a lot of money and ultimately, I couldn't afford to go anymore.

 

I have an online journal of simple ramblings.  Typically what I did that day or things I look forward to...stuff that makes me laugh.  My favorite part is reading through the entries after about a year or so.  Reading old posts always makes me smile and wish that 'Present Day' me could go back and tell 'Past Version' me that things are going to be okay.  

 

2 hours ago, Jean said:

You're on the stage, it's yours to choose what role to play.

AH!!  I LOVE THEATRE REFERENCES!!  You sir, win the day!!

Also, it's a nice reminder that I will soon be on the stage again for real.  Lemme tell you...the second I step on stage...everything else in the world disappears.  It is the most magical feeling in the world!!!  

[LittleTurtle]

I had my counseling appointment this afternoon.  It's always a little awkward to start, but I really liked the outside perspectives the counselor gave me.  He wants to see me next week, so I made that appointment.

 

After the appointment, I felt shaky, nervous, no appetite...  But I also felt a bit relieved to have finally told someone a deep dark secret that I've been harboring inside for almost a year.  But it's like...now I just feel really emotional and kinda want to sob it all out a bit.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

52 minutes ago, LittleTurtle said:

But it's like...now I just feel really emotional and kinda want to sob it all out a bit.

I recommend you find a private, safe, and comfortable space and have a good ugly cry.

[Jean]

You won a battle, you can let it go. Ugly cries are A-OK.

 

 

[AverageFish]

You've done wisely and well in choosing goals that are so important to you. And you've already started achieving them! Good  job in seeing a counselor. And have others have said, crying after going through a major emotional conversation is totally fine. Cry it all out!

 

On 1/8/2019 at 3:31 PM, LittleTurtle said:

I have an online journal of simple ramblings.  Typically what I did that day or things I look forward to...stuff that makes me laugh.  My favorite part is reading through the entries after about a year or so.  Reading old posts always makes me smile and wish that 'Present Day' me could go back and tell 'Past Version' me that things are going to be okay.  

 

I'm fascinated by this.  If you do it often enough, does "Present Day" you start to realize that things are going to be okay as well?

 

 

[LittleTurtle]

4 hours ago, AverageFish said:

I'm fascinated by this.  If you do it often enough, does "Present Day" you start to realize that things are going to be okay as well?

[LittleTurtle]

I weighed myself today because it's been a few weeks and I was avoiding it because holidays.  Well, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised that I was actually down a little from the last time.  Mind you, I'm still up a few pounds more than where I'd like to be, but seeing that the number was lower than what I was expecting was a nice feeling. 

 

Enter rant:  I wanted to share my happy feeling with my boyfriend.  His response:  "Well, fat weighs less than muscle, so I wouldn't get too excited."

 

He is on such *%$&ing thin ice right now.

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

5 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

 

Enter rant:  I wanted to share my happy feeling with my boyfriend.  His response:  "Well, fat weighs less than muscle, so I wouldn't get too excited."

 

Rookie mistake. 

[Jean]

23 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

He is on such *%$&ing thin ice right now.

 

Hope he's packing more low weight fat than heavy muscle, then. Ice can be so crispy this time of year...

 

[LittleTurtle]

I have another visit with the counselor today.  I think...I think that the last visit went really well, but I never really had the chance to just purge my emotions, so I stuffed everything all back down and didn't really deal with anything properly throughout the past week.  But change won't happen in one visit, so I'm happy to be going back for more perspective and assistance dealing with my shit.

 

In other news:  THEATRE

I had a committee meeting last night and it refilled my soul and heart with happiness and joy.  Usually, we only meet once a month, however our next meeting is next Monday and that made me ridiculously happy.  

 

One of the members asked me if I'd be interested in Assistant Directing a show next season.  "Hell yes." was my reply.

 

Then the director of the show I'm auditioning for in early February asked if I'd be able to come in a week early to do an additional/early read of some pages with someone who won't be able to attend the actual auditions.  

 

Theatre is basically my sole source of happiness right now.  Just thinking about the prospect of being cast and getting into a heavy rehearsal schedule makes my heart so full and excited that I can hardly catch my breath.

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

It's great that theater is so good for you right now. I hope that continues and that your session is very helpful.

[Jean]

3 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

One of the members asked me if I'd be interested in Assistant Directing a show next season.  "Hell yes." was my reply.

 

Then the director of the show I'm auditioning for in early February asked if I'd be able to come in a week early to do an additional/early read of some pages with someone who won't be able to attend the actual auditions.  

 

 

 

Also, congrats on keeping on with the counselor. Not quite as fun as theater but still an intense hardcore introspection journey.

[Snarkyfishguts]

On 1/9/2019 at 5:25 PM, LittleTurtle said:

I had my counseling appointment this afternoon.  It's always a little awkward to start, but I really liked the outside perspectives the counselor gave me.  He wants to see me next week, so I made that appointment.

 

After the appointment, I felt shaky, nervous, no appetite...  But I also felt a bit relieved to have finally told someone a deep dark secret that I've been harboring inside for almost a year.  But it's like...now I just feel really emotional and kinda want to sob it all out a bit.

I think that’s a normal response to stepping outside your comfort zone, whch for me is always what therapy is. If you can plan for a self-kindness day after your appointments, it really helps. 

On 1/12/2019 at 4:33 PM, LittleTurtle said:

I weighed myself today because it's been a few weeks and I was avoiding it because holidays.  Well, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised that I was actually down a little from the last time.  Mind you, I'm still up a few pounds more than where I'd like to be, but seeing that the number was lower than what I was expecting was a nice feeling. 

 

Enter rant:  I wanted to share my happy feeling with my boyfriend.  His response:  "Well, fat weighs less than muscle, so I wouldn't get too excited."

 

He is on such *%$&ing thin ice right now.

 

 

A pound of muscle weighs exactly the same as a pound of fat. It is a POUND.  Muscle is denser than fat and so a pound of muscle looks smaller than a pound of fat, but they are weigh the *$&) same.  Not only is he on thin ice, he is also incorrect. Did he apologize?

17 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

I have another visit with the counselor today.  I think...I think that the last visit went really well, but I never really had the chance to just purge my emotions, so I stuffed everything all back down and didn't really deal with anything properly throughout the past week.  But change won't happen in one visit, so I'm happy to be going back for more perspective and assistance dealing with my shit.

 

In other news:  THEATRE

I had a committee meeting last night and it refilled my soul and heart with happiness and joy.  Usually, we only meet once a month, however our next meeting is next Monday and that made me ridiculously happy.  

 

One of the members asked me if I'd be interested in Assistant Directing a show next season.  "Hell yes." was my reply.

 

Then the director of the show I'm auditioning for in early February asked if I'd be able to come in a week early to do an additional/early read of some pages with someone who won't be able to attend the actual auditions.  

 

Theatre is basically my sole source of happiness right now.  Just thinking about the prospect of being cast and getting into a heavy rehearsal schedule makes my heart so full and excited that I can hardly catch my breath.

 

 

I hate those counseling days when you don’t really get to let go your feelings because you end up working on something else. But I suppose it’s good to find an outlet for that too. I like your idea of journaling. I’m gonna do that too.

 

theatre sounds amazing, and I love that you found your happiness. It sounds exciting and wonderful and fun! I hope you get the part and have a ball

[LittleTurtle]

7 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

Did he apologize?

No.  I don't even think he knew that the comment irritated me and I didn't have the energy to start a fight over it.   

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

35 minutes ago, LittleTurtle said:

No.  I don't even think he knew that the comment irritated me and I didn't have the energy to start a fight over it.   

He needs a Bro to take him aside and explain the finer points of How to Be Encouraging.

[Snarkyfishguts]

17 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

No.  I don't even think he knew that the comment irritated me and I didn't have the energy to start a fight over it.   

 

Pthtbt. 

17 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

He needs a Bro to take him aside and explain the finer points of How to Be Encouraging.

 

Yes to this. 

[LittleTurtle]

Midway Check Point Stats

Happy Lamp = 7/20 (Goal = 10/20)

Journal = 8/20 (Goal = 6/20)

Counseling = 2/20 (Goal = 2/20)

 

Accountability Spreadsheet

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I've decided to throw in a little personal side challenge:

Caffeine Withdrawal

 

Now, let me preface this with the fact that I don't really even drink that much coffee and I always drink it black.

However.

I feel as though I'm starting to become immune to it's effects...like, normal coffee doesn't even cut it anymore; I want shots of espresso in black coffee!

I have reached the point where if I don't drink at least one cup, I will suffer a massive headache (which I assume is the caffeine withdrawal).

So lets' put this plan into action, yes?

 

WEEKS ONE & TWO

Allow no more than 2 cups a day.  Anything else will be decaffeinated (yes, I know it still contains a small amount of caffeine).

 

WEEKS THREE & FOUR

Allow no more than 1 cup a day.  Anything else will be decaffeinated.

 

END GOAL

1 cup of black coffee a day....

Ugh...that actually sounds kinda miserable, so I will allow a very limited "Special Coffee Allowance" which will be those very special times when I go out for coffee and have a double shot espresso in medium roast coffee.

 

[Jean]

What does your water consumption look like? I've found that I am drinking a lot less coffee (black espresso shots) now that I always have a bottle of water right next to my mug (yes, I've gone up to 5 shots in one mug. I blame geology for that). Turns out what I'm really after when drinking coffee is just a way to take my mind out of something and feel like this is a moment devoted to myself, whatever happens.

 

I also have a lot more moments to myself in the waters since I'm doing it but this is a different story... xD

[LittleTurtle]

1 hour ago, Jean said:

What does your water consumption look like?

I am never without my water bottle.  I used to drink between 80 - 100 ounces a day, but found that that amount was actually doing me more harm than good, so I've cut back to between 48 - 64 ounces per day.  I just looooooovvvvveeee the taste of coffee!