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Emerald Eagle

Emerald Eagle preps for the 2019 Crossfit Open

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I know I really should have been prepping all year, but I couldn't think of a better title of my thread and the Open is now a month away :disillusionment:

 

2018 was an incredibly rough year for me, probably the worst of my adult life. I am now the heaviest I have ever been, though not the least fit I've ever been. I really really REALLY want 2019 to be better. There are a lot of things I cannot control but I need to make the best of the things I can control and stop making excuses while also being kind on myself when I need it (a tricky balance!).

 

Goals*:

  • Get my nutrition sorted. I have been reading up on the Zone Diet and I think it would be a good thing to try. Get back to meal prepping, stop eating crap, start tracking in some way.
  • Go to Crossfit at least 4 x per week. Seriously, it's good for my mental and physical health and I enjoy it. So make it happen.
  • Find a counsellor, book an appointment, talk to them about all the things. You have already decided that's what you need, so do it. 

 

*These will be turned into to SMARTer goals when I get some time to really think about it. 

 

The theme from my last challenge, as murky as it was, still stands. I feel very down but I am not defeated and am trying my best to get back up. And I really do know that having everyone here keeping me accountable and inspiring me to be better truly does help. 

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OK. Below is a very long rambling story/explanation of what has been happening in my life over the last couple of months and why I really need to find someone to talk to about it. I have spoliered it for a couple of reasons; it's super long, it may not be something everyone wants or needs to see, and it does cover some personal stuff. If you don't read this I completely understand, there are days when reading someone else's struggles make your own harder and acknowledging that is completely OK.

 

Spoiler

On Saturday 22nd December my sister had a second baby. My parents and I found out that she was pregnant on Friday 21st December. She currently lives with my parents who have been physically and financially supporting her and her 20 month old son since when she fell pregnant with him. She had told no one she was pregnant, and when my Mum had asked her about it she had flat out denied that anything was going on or that she was pregnant. Not even the babies father knew until the baby was about a week old. 

 

There is a huge backstory here. My sister has a history of lying about things, fabricating stories, denying things she doesn't want to talk about, shutting people out. Despite all that we were completely blind-sided. I genuinely thought she had grown out of those things and as a Mum and an adult wouldn't and couldn't spin the kind of fantasies that she used to. I have spent my life protecting my younger sister, loving her despite her faults, defending her against others, picking up the pieces when one of her stories falls apart and people find out that whatever fabrication she has come up with isn't true.  

 

I have so many feelings about this situation that I am struggling with. I am so hurt and disappointed that my sister, who I thought I had a pretty good relationship with and was close to (she continued to talk to me when she had shut a number of other people out of her life), has lied to us all and caused so much hurt and chaos in our lives. I an also super angry that she would take advantage of my parents the way she has, and not allow any of us to prepare. I am angry  that she didn't prepare her son, my nephew who I love so much, and suddenly his life has been turned upside down with a brand new baby in the house, a Mum recovering from a C-section, and the single Mum who is his primary caregiver being shared without any warning. 

 

Through everything I have lots of feelings of unforgiveness and resentment that I have to process. I feel like "she's gotten away with it", like she's just going to live her life supported by my family and the rest of us are going to just suck up the consequences. I want to love and care for this baby the way I do my older nephew but at the moment he is right in the middle of my hurt and anger and that is completely unfair to this beautiful baby who has done absolutely nothing wrong and deserves all my love and care. 

 

I have also realised that the people I am closest to and would normally talk through and process this all with are too close and too emotional themselves to give me the support I need. Up until I met my husband my Mum was the person in the whole world I was the closest to, and we are still incredibly close. But she is way too hurt and involved in the day to day that she can't spend time talking through feelings and me expressing my own hurt is only going to hurt her and I can't do that. My husband has been a huge support but he doesn't always get it (who could get it, unless you had grown up with it? It's like something out of a bad day time TV soap opera?!). He's also shocked and hurt and protective of me so when we talk it often turns into a negative spiral that might feel cathartic but isn't productive. I have a few close friends who I could talk to but again it can turn more into a gossip/bitching session than productive conversation. I also feel like I need to protect my family and despite what I'm feeling I can't be publicly airing dirty laundry. Which is kind of stupid, I'm talking about talking to my close friends not posting rants on Facebook or anything. But some of them are friends with or know my sister as well and I just feel like I can't.

 

So, I have decided after this and the rest of the shit that happened last year (losing my Aunt to cancer, my Grandma having a stroke, my husband losing his boss to cancer and a friend committing suicide) it's time I talk to a professional. I have never done any kind of counselling before, I've been lucky to have pretty good mental health up until now. I don't have a problem doing it - I'm not worried about the stigma of doing it or anything, I've just never done it before and get nervous about new things.

 

So that's what is happening. I'll probably procrastinate getting an appointment but I am committing getting things sorted by the time this challenge is over.

 

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I am so sorry EE. I fully get how all of that must be affecting you. You don't need me to tell you that your emotions and what your feeling is valid, but I'm going to anyway, because sometimes it helps to have someone else say it too. 

 

Spoiler

Not nearly on the same scale, I have a sister who I used to not trust at all. We're working on that at the moment. But every time I believed her, or more often, said nothing about the suspicion I had, ate away at me. The details aren't important, but it did massively impact our relationship, to the extent that I would make excuses not to babysit her then 1 -2 year old, because I never believed the reason she gave, and the truth was always something hurtful to someone, somewhere. It was just embarrassing. I never knew if people that I met that also knew her would think I was the same. And for a long time, we were not exactly friends. 

 

The situation your sister has left you and all your family with is bitterly unfair and heartless and immature. I'm so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. Your poor nephew must be so confused and upset. I hope she is at least giving him a fair due of attention and love now she has the newborn. 

 

 

 

I can't tell you how glad I am that you're going to find a counsellor. I was really uncertain about seeing someone when I needed it, but it did truly help. I hope that it helps you too. 

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Spoiler

Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like a wise plan to go to a counselor. Not only will that give you someone to talk to, but hopefully also  some ways to deal with the situation.

 

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Argh! Another challenge where I had good intentions but couldn't keep it together.

 

Wins: I made it to counselling. 2 sessions in and a lot of stuff to work though, but I started and that's a great step.

 

Not so much: Didn't make it back to Crossfit or really change any eating habits. My lunches at work got slightly better last week because I was in charge of catering for the team (we had a PD / workshop all week). Salads and meats for everyone! 

 

I really do appreciate your support, even if I haven't been able to engage on here nearly as much as I want to. It's funny, having a busy job that I really enjoy means I don't have the time to scroll through the forums that I used to. I need to change things up and try to dedicate some forum time in my evenings to get re-engaged. Now, to go and post a challenge for the next 4 weeks and post more than 2 updates in it! 

 

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