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jonfirestar

JonFirestar: I am Awesome

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8 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

A lot of emotional scar tissue has to be busted up for that stuff to come to the surface and finally get out. Then when it does the hole still has to heal. It's gonna take a while, but eventually it gets better.

I know :) Thanks Tank. Knowing doesn't make it any easier and some of this scar tissue has been left undisturbed for a long time. 

 

8 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Worthiness is irrelevant.

 

8 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

In the same way, your friends love you because they choose to do so, not because you deserve it and not because you don't.

 

People have been telling me this very thing ever since I came clean about how I felt about myself. I'm currently in a place that I'm very unfamiliar with.

 

5 minutes ago, Yasha92 said:

Sometimes, when my head-gremlins are being particularly mean, I google “latest Kate” and just scroll through her pictures. I’ve chosen a couple to pop here, but there are plenty more of them if you find they speak to you~

:) thank you Yasha they are beautiful. I'm a little emotional this morning so I'm not going to lie. You made me cry but in a good way. 

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Week 0, Wednesday. 

 

So yesterday I was pretty damn down. I don't think that is surprising. I'm in a weird space where I cannot even be bothered to try and hide it. Although a lot of that is also due to my own commitment to try to address it. So the decision was made yesterday to go back to therapy. It's been almost 15 years since I was last in therapy. I was quite young (although what 21 year old believes they are too young?) and some glaring things were left unaddressed. I intend to address them. Calls have already been made, plans are in motion. 

 

Say Something Positive

I nice trivial one today :) My shoulders are looking pretty frickin sweet these days! It's kind of interesting to have a part of my body that I don't actually hate. They look wide and muscular. Most certainly a fan ;)      

 

Challenge the Negative. 

I feel like I'm worthless and worthless to those around me. I'm told otherwise a lot. It's hard for me to reconcile it but so many kind people have reached out to me today when I am beating myself down to offer a kind word or a helping hand. I feel like I'm not worthy of any help but the help was there. 

 

Life Habits

Did not get done. I did the reading. That did get done. I spent my whole evening on the phone talking things through. No regrets. 

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I'm really glad you're working through even though it's freaking hard. 

 

Keep coming back here so we can tell you that you're awesome and worthy until you believe it too

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I hope therapy helps you! You are making massive strides already in choosing a fave body part (when I’m lifting my shoulders are my fave too!) and in making contact with a pro.

It’s ok to be down, and to let others know you are feeling down. Vulnerability is strength too.

You got dis!

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I'm glad you've made the decision to go back to therapy. There is only so much you can do by yourself and it's easy to avoid the hard stuff when you don't have someone there pushing you to confront it. Well done for having the strength to ask for help. 

valentines day love GIF by yippywhippy

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It's Week Zero and I'm already late, but I'm SOO down for this challenge. You really are absolutely amazing - you're strong, determined, hard-working, kind, wise, encouraging, funny, and brilliant. You are very much loved by every person here and we're just thrilled to get the chance to tell you so. Thank you for letting us.  :D 

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hmmm, I am way past page one getting here.  Apparently there is a line to agree with how awesome you are.

 

On 2/8/2019 at 1:08 AM, jonfirestar said:

My shoulders are looking pretty frickin sweet these days!

Yes! you know what else is looking sweet there days? Your countenance.  I was going to put smile but it is more than that.  Compared to the pictures of you from 3 years ago, you now exude a glow that makes you almost look like a different person.  The wonderful, amazing Jon that we all know is starting to shine through your protective barriers  :)

 

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On 2/7/2019 at 12:08 PM, jonfirestar said:

So the decision was made yesterday to go back to therapy. It's been almost 15 years since I was last in therapy. I was quite young (although what 21 year old believes they are too young?) and some glaring things were left unaddressed. I intend to address them. Calls have already been made, plans are in motion. 

I'm glad you're looking out for yourself.  Therapy is a wonderful tool.  I think everyone should have a therapist.

 

On 2/7/2019 at 12:08 PM, jonfirestar said:

My shoulders are looking pretty frickin sweet these days!

YAAAASSS!!!

 

 

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On 2/7/2019 at 5:11 PM, Salinger said:

Brill news about therapy Jon, i hope you make a good connection with them and that it is the start of some healing xx

Thanks Lizz. Thankfully I'm in a position where I don't need to pursue it through the NHS so I've got a lot more freedom about which therapist I end up going with. I've had a lot of mixed experiences with them in the past but I'm hopeful right now. 

 

On 2/7/2019 at 5:33 PM, Maigs said:

I'm really glad you're working through even though it's freaking hard. 

Thanks. The hardest thing is just talking about it out here tbh. I feel really self conscious about doing that. Not because I'm worried about talking about it and more because my anxiety brain thinks people will get sick of me talking about it. Especially when it is bad. 

 

On 2/7/2019 at 5:49 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Good job getting the ball rolling on therapy again. It will help.

Thanks. I'm hopeful. I have had some really good experiences and some really bad experiences with it in the past (and some pretty good and some mediocre). 

 

On 2/7/2019 at 8:28 PM, Yasha92 said:

I hope therapy helps you! You are making massive strides already in choosing a fave body part (when I’m lifting my shoulders are my fave too!) and in making contact with a pro.

Thanks. It is a big stride for me to decide that I have a body part that I like the look of. 

 

On 2/8/2019 at 12:54 PM, Charlie_Quinn said:

There is only so much you can do by yourself and it's easy to avoid the hard stuff when you don't have someone there pushing you to confront it. Well done for having the strength to ask for help. 

True :) and there are some things that I really do need help addressing. I was nudged gently but most certainly nudged into looking for help. I'm not sure if I can take credit for that :lol: 

 

On 2/9/2019 at 12:54 AM, SkyGirl said:

It's Week Zero and I'm already late, but I'm SOO down for this challenge. You really are absolutely amazing - you're strong, determined, hard-working, kind, wise, encouraging, funny, and brilliant. You are very much loved by every person here and we're just thrilled to get the chance to tell you so. Thank you for letting us.  :D 

And I cannot even describe how mind bogglingly scary that is for me :D seriously. Thank you, Sky. I really appreciate it. 

 

On 2/9/2019 at 2:27 AM, WhiteGhost said:

Yes! you know what else is looking sweet there days? Your countenance.  I was going to put smile but it is more than that.  Compared to the pictures of you from 3 years ago, you now exude a glow that makes you almost look like a different person.  The wonderful, amazing Jon that we all know is starting to shine through your protective barriers  :)

Thanks. You are right and that is part of the reason I'm now feeling brave enough to try and take down the last of those barriers. 

 

21 hours ago, Stribs said:

I'm glad you're looking out for yourself.  Therapy is a wonderful tool.  I think everyone should have a therapist.

 

If you have a good therapist it is :) if you ever have to move from an amazing therapist to one that really doesn't get you, things can be hard. 

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42 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

If you have a good therapist it is :) if you ever have to move from an amazing therapist to one that really doesn't get you, things can be hard.

I get that.  I had a shiiiiit therapist when I first started, but the one I have now is AMAZING

 

 

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Week 0 Weekend Update. 

 

I've had a bit of a busy weekend :) umm so Saturday I decided to rip apart my study and reorganise it. I decided that it needed doing a while ago, I ordered some new furniture (read bookcases) but Saturday I actually pulled the trigger and started to sort through the junk and rearrange the whole room. This is a thing that I never really finished when I moved into the house and I'm attempting to create myself a comfortable space. It is something that I've been missing in my life and I feel like it's a good part of the reason I dropped many of my self care type of habits and hobbies. 

 

So that's going to be an ongoing project for the next several weeks. It is going to take several weeks because I'm not going to have much free time for several weeks. 

 

Sunday

 

Sunday was another big meetup date. On the cards was a nice fast road 10k, along with some climbing and dinner with @Charlie_Quinn and @Rhovaniel. I grabbed a lift with Rho but we had to make a quick detour back at her place where I got to peruse her book shelves and meet her beautiful snake :) we got to the race about an hour early.

 

Race Report 

It was a cold and wet day and while I had high hopes for this race I wasn't entirely sure that I'd be able to pull out exactly what I as hoping for. 

 

I was under strict orders by both women that I was not allowed to run with either of them and that I wasn't even allowed to start with them Charlie didn't want to see me caught up again like I was in our last race together. My target time meant that I ended up actually starting in one of the time buckets right at the very front and rather self consciously surrounded by people who looked far more like runners than I do. But I was in that bucket because I knew I could run that fast. The race started and... I ran my fastest ever mile right off the bat (oops). By the 5k mark when I came in under 24 minutes I was pretty sure I'd screwed up quite royally and that I'd gone out far too fast. My split for the 4th mile seemed to confirm that theory as it came in significantly faster than my previous splits but as someone past me I fell in behind them and just kept pace. It felt like I was hanging on for deal life but my splits improved from there. Down to 7:48 for mile 5 and then down to 7:37 for mile 6. That would be my second fastest ever mile :) 

 

When I finally crossed the line my lungs exploded and I had to stop for a minute to catch my breath. I've honestly never finished a race feeling quite that depleted before. I had come to the race with a barely mentioned, pie in the sky, idea  that I might be able to go around 48:30 for the 10k. I ended up coming in at 48:08. I am stupidly over the moon with that result! One of my running goals for the first quarter of the year was to go under 50 minutes for the 10k. Job done :P 

 

I waited at the finish line for Rho and Charlie to finish and immediately got yelled at for waiting around in the cold :D 

 

But this is the fastest I've ever run in my life, ever. 

 

 

 

Next step was climbing. 

 

We drove to the climbing centre where the three of us marched in with matching leggings :lol:  We got changed for climbing and grabbed some coffee and a snack before starting. I made the decision pretty early on that I'd try harder problems than I'd tried the last time I had been to this gym and Charlie and I ended up playing on an overhang problem for quite a while. We eventually got it but it maked about the hardest bouldering problem that I'd ever achieved. I ended up doing some more of around that level and I was very happy with it.. I'd not been climbing for a couple of weeks so I am really happy to see that I am actually making progress with it. 

 

We finished off the day playing around with gymnastics rings. I'd never done that stuff before but once I was able to get the hang of it I started so show off a little bit. So holds, pull ups and weighted dips might have happened. The DOMS today is quite horrible. My legs have it the worst but the antics I got up to while climbing most certainly show too. 

 

After climbing we all went out for a carvery dinner and loaded our respective plates with plies of much needed food. As we were waiting for dessert to show up my body decided that it would get it's own back on me and I cramped. My hamstring cramped, then my quad and finally my abs. Poor Rho and Charlie didn't know whether to laugh or cry as I stiffened and breathed through gritted teeth 'I'm okay'. That was not pleasant. 

 

All in all a really fun Sunday. I didn't get home until quite late but that is okay :) 

UNADJUSTEDNONRAW_thumb_b97.jpg

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For a brief second, I actually thought you were having a heart attack at the dinner table! Please don't do that again, it was a little scary! 

 

And because I haven't said it enough today:

Image result for stretch meme

 

:D

 

You should temporarily change your challenge title to 'I am awesome at running'. Well done again, Jon. I'm so happy for you

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Wow!  Congrats on your race results.  You ARE Awesome!  One of my goals is to break 30 minutes for a 5k.  Didn't do it this weekend...lol

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That update is so RangerBrainTM.

Run a race, see some friends, climbing walls, gym rings, noms, ALL THE THINGS!!!

Sorry to hear about the cramps, but it sounds like you earned them XD


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23 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

But I was in that bucket because I knew I could run that fast.

YAAASSSSS!!!  GET. THAT. CONFIDENCE. ALL. DAY. LONG.

 

Sounds like an awesome day!!!!

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I'm alive and kicking. It has been a pretty rough week, mentally speaking, but I'm pulling through and things are looking up. I'll post an update probably on Monday. Right now though I'm going to be spending the weekend with @Jarric, @Charlie_Quinn and @Rhovaniel for DnD, beer, pizza, cake and a trip to the OCR gym :) fun! Been really looking forward to this weekend since we started to plan it before Christmas! 

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