Taming the Beast

[Sciread77]

As with last time, I’m struggling with overcoming depression and anxiety without flying off to the other end of the spectrum, as I am wont to do. 

 

As we all know, it doesn’t happen quickly or easily. Sometimes when I catch it early a quick med or lifestyle tweak will fix it, but this time it went pretty hard and far.  I sacrificed far too much sleep getting the house ready to sell and move. And trying to make a huge audio project by sacrificing sleep. And everything else. 

 

There’s just not enough time in my life to do what I want to do. Too often, I feel as if I’m on autopilot and waiting for things to get better. Or clear up. But I rarely want to get out of bed. I almost always can’t wait to get back in bed. I dread leaving the house, especially if it involves organizing the kids. None of this is normal for me. 

 

Also, my one of my wife’s aunts who helped raise her is quite probably going to die today. This is someone who also is one of the two extra grandmas my kids have in my wife’s side and the day at the hospital was awful. I’m feeling extra bad on account of this stuff with me is happening now instead of a more sedate time. 

 

That said, the backstop meds are working. I might be a little confused and snore like a chainsaw but I’ve actually felt more energetic being mostly free of the anxiety on it. I’m starting therapy soon to help mitigate that without the drugs but I’m gonna hold off scheduling the next appointment until the funeral arrangements have been made. 

 

Goal time. 

 

1.  Get my mental health back in order. It’s not a surprise that it went wonky. But after a decade with my wife and not feeling this way a bit, it was starting to feel like I’d been largely fixed. My family (edit: my parents, extended family, etc. My sister and I have both been through therapy to learn what normal family life is like lol) is basically a pit of anxiety and my wife, while possessing flaws like all humans, is an amazing human being to live with. 

 

2. Weight watchers it up. It’s easy when people aren’t marking pie, cookies, and cake. I have a feeling this funeral might bust the week but I don’t really care because I’m in it for the long term anyway. 

 

3. Learn Spanish. Oh. Yeah. The million word reading goal? I’m probably gonna go over it. As part of my job I now have to read the whole economics/business section of a Columbian newspaper and take 3 college courses offered only in Spanish on the challenges and opportunities in Latin America. Also I have to conduct a review call later this month that I’m relatively nervous about. 

 

4. Read to the kids, average one brand new book a day. I’m smashing the execution but sacrificing the tracking. The good thing is I have an organizational system in place that makes it easy to catch up on!

 

5.Be. Better husband and human. That includes planning activities with my wife, being nicer and more thoughtful, and actually taking care of myself. 

 

I’m sorry to say that she just passed away. I’m off. 

[woodandbronze]

My condolences to you and your family.

[WolfDreamer]

17 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

I’m sorry to say that she just passed away. I’m off.

 

Ah, buddy, I'm so sorry. If you need to vent or just unload somewhere other than here, message me.

 

I found this series of gifs of Children's Miracle Network kids giving virtual hugs. Maybe they'll lift your spirits a bit:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sciread77]

4 hours ago, Wolfen said:

 

Ah, buddy, I'm so sorry. If you need to vent or just unload somewhere other than here, message me.

 

I found this series of gifs of Children's Miracle Network kids giving virtual hugs. Maybe they'll lift your spirits a bit:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks, I appreciate it. 

 

I think that both my wife and I are frustrated in our respective places, and we both waaaaaay overextended ourselves to finally get out of that other house. (And then a family member dies, but in a family this size it’s about an annual occurrence). 

 

I am excited about the opportunity to learn and use another language in my work environment. To me, that’s about 75% of the value of the job itself. I hope that mood issues don’t harm any of the opportunities I have here. I seem to be around good people that are mentally healthy for me to be around and that is huge in and of itself. Even if I physically AM in a cave. 

[Sciread77]

Edit to above:

 

family - my parents, extended family, etc. My sister and I have both been through therapy to learn what normal family life is like - is basically a pit of anxiety

 

My oldest has some anxiety but all my kids are pretty easygoing and unless my moods go wonky we all seem happiest in controlled chaos. That’s actually part of what flags the aggression and irritation as an issue for me. Being upset by stuff that I don’t normally bat an eye at. 

 

This week has been off. I did work the Spanish group all day yesterday and Wednesday. It was both harder and easier than I expected. Mostly it’s just A LOT. It has the rep of being a low-volume, easy gig elsewhere. I came to it because I know the reputation of the manager over here and heard it was growing. My coworker who trained me is fantastic and there are a lot of growing pain problems... my specialty. My favorite to work with. So I already have that little idea for pet projects in my mind once I get going and that makes me feel better about work, as does developing what appears to be a much better system of working. That is, toying has exploded for a week lol. 

 

Reading is going well. The kids and I will both easily meet the goal at this rate. But I want to track non-work-related reading to keep it a challenge and help me really improve my language ability. 

 

We had been going well. I basically eat point-free stuff until dinner. (My lunch of lentils and flax is 10% of my DV) and I never feel even remotely hungry. And it’s working thus far. 

 

I think I’ve been generally better with the backstop meds and working to be mindful. But my next DBT session is Tuesday. I hope to make more progress in not being a jerk and becoming a better version of me. 

[Sciread77]

So I’m pretty annoyed. My parents are coming to the visitation and helping with the kids tomorrow night, which is greatly appreciated. But they won’t be at the actual funeral because my mom has plans (I’m not sure what kind because she doesn’t say).  

 

What annoys me is is that the person who died is close enough to my kids to be considered another grandma as a great aunt who lives with their grandma and another great aunt and who took care of the kids daily until just a few months ago. Both my boys, at 3 and 5, are going to be pall bearers. I guess I thought that they’d want to be there for that. 

 

I know my family does a lot that makes my wife feel put out and very much like the outcast in-law, and the “not attending funerals” is something big that doesn’t seem that hard to change. A lot of why it’s an issue is my family never really values the event itself as long as they can schedule something else (or send a card) which makes them a pretty difficult group to establish regular traditions with. Especially in times of mourning. And hell, they don’t attend half their own funerals.

 

But yeah. It’d be nice for them to show that support during the hard times. Both older kids are super sad and the oldest is distressingly devastated to lose his birthday buddy grandma. We’re at the visitation now and my five—year-old is writing a eulogy for tomorrow. I let them know that new info and—-nothing. 

 

Oh well. Radical acceptance is part of DBT so I guess that’s something to work on. I’m just navigating the hurt my wife feels and the fact that my kids already felt abandoned by my parents in favor of their cousin on vacation last summer. It’s not fun. 

 

 

[Sciread77]

Overall, it went well. The kids were super sweet at the whole thing. I got a bit mad at the deacon that pulled them off of being pallbearers for the last leg of the journey. They did fanfreakingtastic the first two times. The third was gonna be hard because we were carrying down the stairs. My guys listen pretty well and I told them that their job was to lead us but to stay several steps ahead and direct. The deacon, after I’d picked the thing up and was bearing a good chunk of the weight as a front carrier, nabbed them and carted them off. This is the same dickhead who told us they couldn’t be baptized at the parish because we didn’t live at the right address, even though it’s where my wife’s family has gone for 70 years and the kids practically live in the parish with their grandmas. So I shouldn’t be surprised.

 

And I know I’m a little volatile and that the departed would have been horrified if someone knocked out the 800-year-old deacon at her funeral.  So. Priorities. But the 3-year-old was particularly unhappy. 

 

After she was loaded we gathered on the church steps and all lost it when someone started playing the Peanuts theme, since that was her favorite thing in the world. 

 

We put put her sisters in a hotel Saturday night and sent the kids with my parents (who I am thankful we’re willing to do that even if they were tone deaf on the funeral) and cleaned/organized their house. They’ve lived together forever. So we jumpstarted the organization, rearranged some things, got a bunch of boxes, and chucked out some furniture so they could get off on the right foot and not be forced to do all that alone.  Now, they have categories of stuff to go through, a table that’s easy for it to go on, and boxes to sort. So that should make things easier. 

 

My my wife and 2/3 of the kids are sick now. The company is all gone and everyone else is asleep. So I’m doing some laundry and stealing some time for myself. We’re exploring alternative lives/careers for my wife, and what with kids, the house, and student debt I’m looking for a way to make a change without simply adding another job to each of us when we’re already feeling overwhelmed. 

 

My my wife has always wanted to have a b&b, flip properties, and have a bakery. So I’m exploring options for each one of those. She’s actually got the skills necessary for all of those things, just no direct experience as an innkeeper, contractor, or professional baker. She’s a great stager, decorator, and designer. She’s quite skilled with remodeling and a superb foreman of given a team. And she makes amazing baked goods and knows the economics behind them. 

 

I dunno. I know that her goal is to be able to spend more time with the family as her current job teaching theater, besides her burning out, racks up a round trip average of 3 commute hours a day. Which sucks. Also, did I mention that her show is one of the top 26 in the country? Someone anonymously paid the adjudicators to come out and we found out...Friday? That they’re in consider to perform at the national level too. Which is amazing. One of the adjudicators was involved with the original production of the show and loved it. On the other hand, we may find out in March that we have to do this show again in the summer. Which feels a little exhausting!

 

Anyway, good and bad. Also gotta reschedule the DBT appointment because parent-teacher conferences only worked that time, that day. But that should be fine. 

 

 

 

 

[WolfDreamer]

On 2/10/2019 at 10:08 PM, Sciread77 said:

This is the same dickhead who told us they couldn’t be baptized at the parish because we didn’t live at the right address, even though it’s where my wife’s family has gone for 70 years and the kids practically live in the parish with their grandmas.

 

I'm so confused. So... your address is more important than your relationship with the church? I was going to type out a long rant about how, as a leader in the church, that's a pretty messed up way to represent the Jesus he claims to follow. But you already know that. I wouldn't have punched the man, but we would have had words for sure (after the ceremony, of course). I also would have gone above his head and spoken with someone else about his behavior and how it is impacting your decision of whether or not that church is the right place for you, your family, and your family's money (sorry, that last one may have come from a bitter place).

 

In all seriousness, brother, I am glad the "worst" part is over and that your family had the opportunity to say goodbye. I both love and loathe funerals. I love them at their purest form when loved ones are allowed to express their grief in healthy ways, openly and unashamedly, whether through tears or anger or laughter, because they really can be a raw and honest way to find closure. But I also hate them because they're often so sanitized and controlled and organized and people get so worked up about upsetting other people, like if Aunt Gertrude wants to start bawling because she really is agonized over the loss, but someone shushes her or takes her into another room because her crying might upset Aunt Donna. I remember a scene from the show Six Feet Under that talked a bit about this:

 

Hang in there, my friend. Message me if you need to talk more deeply about things but don't want to post them here.

[Sciread77]

2 minutes ago, Wolfen said:

 

I'm so confused. So... your address is more important than your relationship with the church? I was going to type out a long rant about how, as a leader in the church, that's a pretty messed up way to represent the Jesus he claims to follow. But you already know that. I wouldn't have punched the man, but we would have had words for sure (after the ceremony, of course). I also would have gone above his head and spoken with someone else about his behavior and how it is impacting your decision of whether or not that church is the right place for you, your family, and your family's money (sorry, that last one may have come from a bitter place).

 

In all seriousness, brother, I am glad the "worst" part is over and that your family had the opportunity to say goodbye. I both love and loathe funerals. I love them at their purest form when loved ones are allowed to express their grief in healthy ways, openly and unashamedly, whether through tears or anger or laughter, because they really can be a raw and honest way to find closure. But I also hate them because they're often so sanitized and controlled and organized and people get so worked up about upsetting other people, like if Aunt Gertrude wants to start bawling because she really is agonized over the loss, but someone shushes her or takes her into another room because her crying might upset Aunt Donna. I remember a scene from the show Six Feet Under that talked a bit about this:

 

Hang in there, my friend. Message me if you need to talk more deeply about things but don't want to post them here.

 

Thanks, I appreciate it. I was upset in the heat of the moment. I’ve never hit anyone like that and don’t intend to start. But yeah. 

 

The situation comes into play because it’s a Catholic Church. And they’ve rules in place. Rules that, frankly, most priests are more than happy to bend or overlook so you can be with your family or even just to keep people coming in the doors. But they’re also there, written in stone, for people who are coldly bureaucratic. 

 

It’s a relatively new thing for me because I’ve never been Catholic, and while I’m familiar with many of the traditions, readings, and music I am always surprised by stuff like this. My wife grew up Catholic and pretty much left that during college over ridiculous things like this. I joined the UMC in my 20s and we joined a Lutheran Church almost 2 years ago as it’s associatrd with the kids’ school and we love the community. But I think that stated beliefs are close to irrelevant; what’s really important are the actions and attitudes of the community and how open they are to outsiders. (My mom always called my grandmas’ church’s philosophy “We four and no more” because it always had a nasty attitude towards anyone that didn’t attend.)

 

That frustration aside, it’s far better to be at a funeral with my wife’s family. They’re usually pretty stoic and even jovial when planning and orchestrating a funeral, which often confuses people, but they’ll grieve in their own time and never give anyone flack for feeling an emotion. 

 

While your place may may have been a bit bitter, I think it’s sometimes an important bitterness to have. Maybe bitterness isn’t the right word, but some churches use money to do terrible things. To oppress and misinform rather than to free and to educate. And those places should die of starvation. 

 

I’m a pretty emotional guy. I have the ability to lock my emotions away, but similar to being able to get by in scant sleep, doing so in the long term is incredibly bad for my health. And my kids deserve to feel like anyone can show emotions without feeling shamed for it. 

 

I appreciate your your sympathy and understanding, as well as your offer to talk. That same offer is always open to you, too. 

 

In totally different news, we saw Sesame Street alive tonight at the theatre and it was great. We’ve trained our kids really well though, through visits to theatres and through watching my wife’s high school shows, so the 3-year-old politely asked us to stop talking to him because, “I’m watching the show.” It took a while to get the older two loosened up to an actual children’s show lol. But it was great.

 

I’m now waiting with the sleeping endcap kids while the middle one runs into Target with his mommy to get last minute Valentine’s Day Party stuff. We were going to do that yesterday but they’ve all gotten sick in a row with the same stomach bug so we’ve been sort of stuck. I tried to do 2 sick alone once and while I handled it, the dog was totally unhelpful and also threw up on me instead of her usual Nanna dogging. Since then we don’t leave anyone alone when all 3 are down unless it’s an emergency. 

[Sciread77]

Not quite dead yet! 

 

We went ice skating. It was great. First time for all the kids and the youngest was a little fiend, pulling me across the ice even if she couldn’t balance. I’m still sore today but it’s all good. I’ve missed it. 

 

The long weekend was nice. My MIL got my wife and I a hotel room for Sunday night and we just talked and played a couple of games. It was incredible and I think we need that more often. 

 

We’ve decided on the next major step. From the outside it might look like a major pivot but it makes sense and is part of her core. I’m crunching number now and we’re fleshing our the plan. Wish us luck on that. 

 

Next Monday is the next therapy appointment. I’m looking forward to it. Been a while and it’s actually covered by insurance this time so there’s a lot less anxiety about the therapy for anxiety (and depression) lol. 

[Sciread77]

Today, we got the puppy. Our current dog is a 7-year-old Newfoundland/Border Collie mix named Princess Leia. Today, we adopted an 11-week old Daschund puppy named Obi-wan Bologna (baloney). They’re both black and white so they look like someone took the same dog dough and put it in different breed molds. Leia loves puppies, kittens, and children so she’s estatic and obsessed with him. 

 

I tried uploading pictures and sadly failed. I’ll try another time. I’m glad that things are in order enough that this is fun instead of stressful. 

[Sciread77]

There we go!

 

We had a bit of a scare with Leia last night. She started crying, which she hasn’t done like this, and acted pretty grumpy towards everyone including the puppy. So my oldest and I packed her up and drove her to the vet. It’s hard to explain how scary it was for this particular dog. She didn’t cry this much when she blew her knee out or during the recovery from total knee replacement surgery. She’s tough as nails so when she cries, you listen. 

 

My oldest was a rock star. He sat there with me and calmed her while the vet checked her out, including during the range of motion exercises that she clearly didn’t like. Looks like she tweaked her neck a couple of weeks ago and then hurt it more Saturday and Sunday during the car rides (during which she’s famous for moving in odd ways under the kids’ feet).  The doctor gave her some pain meds. She’s back to normal now except that the NSAID is making her throw up a lot. My wife is staying home with her today to keep and eye on her. 

 

As soon as the meds kicked in, she immediately started mothering Obi-wan again. So I’m pretty sure that’s what the problem was. And I’m glad too. Based on her breeds she’s probably got 5-6 good years left and I’m just not ready. She’s officially my favorite dog ever, which was a pretty high bar to begin with. 

 

Obi is a hardcore snuggler. And easy to love. I’m really glad I married a lover of all animals. 

 

 

 

 

[Sciread77]

 

 

1. MH 

     It’s a struggle. I know I don’t really make sense sometimes and it’s hard to explain to others. It’s part of why I need quiet time, and I think it’s worse when I feel overwhelmed. 

 

I have a tremendous desire to feel that I am performing to the expectations of my family, and to a lesser degree to others. I usually do so, but when I fail or come up short I take it pretty hard. Starting the DBT, I think I have a lot of the symptoms of BPD and not just BP, so I’m wondering if the suggestion of therapy was a precursor to a change in or added diagnosis. In any case, my focus is on living and feeling better, not labels. 

 

2. WW

Not been doing too bad. Consistently losing weight or holding steady, mostly be consuming few to no point foods earlier in the day and having a delicious dinner. 

 

3. Spanish

I’m doing ok. The tracking isn’t going so well but the volume is pretty high except for the last few days and weekends. I have alerts from the El Tiempo app every day though. 

 

4. Read

We’re burning through new books pretty fast. I’m pretty happy with the pace. 

 

5. Better person

DBT Therapy has officially started. I’m spending a lot of time reflecting and focusing on mindfulness. 

 

 

[Sciread77]

Major Parental Pride Announcement:

my 5-year-old won first place in the kindergarten science fair. With an experiment that he designed and conducted. Yeah, my wife and I did the grunt work (mostly, making dozens of cookies with the flavorings he specified) but he created his own hypothesis, experiment, and carried out the test himself. He created his own double-blind trial because he didn’t want to bias himself while collecting data. So now he’s going to the citywide science fair in May and he’s already preparing his “next step” series of experiments. 

 

I’m feeling pretty good about my goals in this challenge. Except I’ve gained 4 lbs over the last 2 days from not eating well. Mostly high sugar and high salt stuff (the experiment used unflavored sugar cookies as a base) that I normally don’t/wouldn’t eat like that. I expect it’ll normalize out when my swelling goes back down. I’m sure I gained some fat but not nearly the 4 lbs amount. I’ll make a note if it hasn’t flushed out in a couple of days. 

 

I’ve been pretty passive with Spanish this last week or so. Sickness is going around so half of my colleagues at work were out the first half of the week and I’ve had kiddos sick Thursday and Friday. I’m glad I have El Tiempo’s app Installed because it regularly pushes articles to me. 

 

We’re almost out of new children’s books for the kids to read, aside from bigger chapter books. 

 

I think I’ve been doing a lot better in my interactions with people. I’ve been more conscious of my crankiness. We’ve also been watching A Million Little Things, which has spurred conversation about mental heath between us. Not that we avoided it before, but it’s nice to see shows address tough issues in a healthier way. 

 

Physically, I’ve been more active and I’ve been taking regular walks. That’s also supported my other actions. However, I’ve been feeling worse because my joints are freezing up. My should hurts pretty much all the time over the last few weeks. I’m not sure what I did but I suspect it’s exacerbated by the arthritis. Heating pads have helped. But I also think that desk jobs are slowly killing me. In the next challenge, I’m going to include a specific mobility piece again. 

 

Holy cow, my 3-year-old is loud. He’s singing in the basement and it’s hurtling my ears in the kitchen lol. I’m glad he loves to sing. 

 

So, we’re officially opening a bakery. My wife filed the paperwork a few days ago. I’ve never seen her so happy. She really loves baking. She’s afraid that we won’t be successful. Her baking is amazing. She’s an excellent event planner and marketer; she turned a theatre program with barely enough money to buy licensing rights for a show into a program with a budget on par with the football program at school-all with straight shows, as the musicals are run by the choir department. As far as I’m concerned, we don’t need to be rich, we only need to replace an income. I like doing “business stuff” and we work together well as a team. I’ll still be at my job, which will give us access to decent, reasonably priced health insurance. Although if we’re successful enough, I’d happily do that full time. In any case, it’d be really nice to apply that MBA. 

 

Our kick-off is March 30th. If you’re in the StL area, let me know and I’ll send you an invite.