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Mike Wazowski

Mike Wazowski tries some process goals

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27 minutes ago, Mike Wazowski said:

Side note: I always feel weird when I'm out on a date and I have a pretty good hunch that the other guy makes quite a bit less than me but he still insists on picking up the tab (this guy number dropped his overtime rate, which converting backwards made me realize I earn approximately *double* his salary). I guess the best I can do is say thanks, because "nah, we should at least split it - I feel guilty having you pick up the tab for me" is not a way to make anyone feel good at the end of a date; or maybe I should insist on picking up the tab?

Dunno, it's his money and not your problem. It'd be different if he insisted every single time or if you went out somewhere that was way above his means. I'd just say thanks and pick up the tab the next time, if there'd be one. Meh. It's just money.

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26 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Dunno, it's his money and not your problem. It'd be different if he insisted every single time or if you went out somewhere that was way above his means. I'd just say thanks and pick up the tab the next time, if there'd be one. Meh. It's just money.

Yup.

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1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Dunno, it's his money and not your problem. It'd be different if he insisted every single time or if you went out somewhere that was way above his means. I'd just say thanks and pick up the tab the next time, if there'd be one. Meh. It's just money.

Fair nuff. I always found tab splitting vs. grouping social conventions odd in straight dating, for some reason just assumed (incorrectly) that there'd be no ambiguity in non-hetero dating and everyone would always split the tab unless we were like a couple couple. But uh, that was obviously naive, to say the least.

 

ETA: Also, for better or worse, I probably value a tight and fair management of my finances and the financial transactions in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) higher than most, so I'm disproportionately attuned to any possible inequity in splitting the check. Side effect of having two accountants for parents? :lol:

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5 hours ago, Mike Wazowski said:

I always found tab splitting vs. grouping social conventions odd in straight dating, for some reason just assumed (incorrectly) that there'd be no ambiguity in non-hetero dating and everyone would always split the tab unless we were like a couple couple. But uh, that was obviously naive, to say the least.

 

I always assumed it's more complicated in non-hetero dating,since hetero dating has a few centuries of societal expectations and unwritten rules to fall back on. In the US.

 

I grew up in a country where dating the US way (=to see if we click as a couple) simply wasn't done, so I find the whole thing waaaay confusing, and more contrived than productive. :P 

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i think you made the right decision on the tab pick up! sometimes it's worth a half-hearted "oh no! are you sure you don't want to split it?"

 

it can be more complicated in non-hetero dating because there are no rules to fall back on. but! i love not having any rules and just doing what we want. fwiw, Spouse and I only have separate bank accounts and split the bills as equally as possible. it works for us, i'll get this meal out and she'll get the groceries, etc. etc. ad nauseum lol

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On 3/4/2019 at 8:46 PM, scalyfreak said:

I always assumed it's more complicated in non-hetero dating,since hetero dating has a few centuries of societal expectations and unwritten rules to fall back on. In the US.

 

I grew up in a country where dating the US way (=to see if we click as a couple) simply wasn't done, so I find the whole thing waaaay confusing, and more contrived than productive. :P 

Interesting, I always forget there can be another way to approach courtship. :P

 

19 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

i think you made the right decision on the tab pick up! sometimes it's worth a half-hearted "oh no! are you sure you don't want to split it?"

Yup, I try to at least do either that or make sure I give a genuine "Thanks" - especially if I'm pretty sure there will be no second date.

 

19 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

it can be more complicated in non-hetero dating because there are no rules to fall back on. but! i love not having any rules and just doing what we want. fwiw, Spouse and I only have separate bank accounts and split the bills as equally as possible. it works for us, i'll get this meal out and she'll get the groceries, etc. etc. ad nauseum lol

Oh, that is good to know - I know some other friends (straight and LGBTQ+) who also keep separate bank accounts within long-term relationships. I feel like it's more common with millennials in general, though I'm definitely not looking at enough data to say that with any real authority.

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On 3/5/2019 at 4:46 AM, scalyfreak said:

I grew up in a country where dating the US way (=to see if we click as a couple) simply wasn't done, so I find the whole thing waaaay confusing, and more contrived than productive. :P 

This! And time consuming! 

 

24 minutes ago, Mike Wazowski said:

Oh, that is good to know - I know some other friends (straight and LGBTQ+) who also keep separate bank accounts within long-term relationships.

Personally I would never have a primary shared bank account. My money my account.

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2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Personally I would never have a primary shared bank account. My money my account.


Yeah... like no one needs to know how much I spend on yarn. Or anything, really. 

 

23 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

it can be more complicated in non-hetero dating because there are no rules to fall back on. 


I think the rules are kind of loosening up a bit because they were written a long time ago and society has changed... but not everyone is changing at the same pace, so it can be confusing regardless. 

Anyway, it's awesome that you went on a date, Mike. Even if he wasn't the right guy, it's still good because meeting at least some men is a necessary condition for meeting the right man. 

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2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:This! And time consuming! 

 

Personally I would never have a primary shared bank account. My money my account.

I'm a hopeless romantic, I think. Still pine for the kind of life-entwining that my parents' generation went whole hog with -it helps that no close family members have gone through divorces in my lifetime, so I've been spared seeing the downside of that entanglement until meeting my adult friends who have a shockingly high number of ex-spouses and ex-fiances/ees for a group of millennials.

 

1 minute ago, Harriet said:

Anyway, it's awesome that you went on a date, Mike. Even if he wasn't the right guy, it's still good because meeting at least some men is a necessary condition for meeting the right man. 

Yep, that's the mindset I'm taking. An unknown number of first dates are needed to find the right person for me, so I just gotta keep putting myself out there and something good will eventually happen with it.

 

Forgot to update on Monday / yesterday: just sort of skated by the early part of this week - thank God it's already hump day. I didn't complete a grad school homework, but 2 of 12 won't count for our grade so it's not gonna hurt me too much (and I'm still learning, which is what really counts). I've been sloppy on making time for digital-content-free silence at home in the evenings, and it's led to some unnecessarily later evenings. Going to reinforce that the rest of this week and get back in the habit. Fortunately, I'm on the upswing from a hectic Monday morning of doctor's appointments and still getting some quality work done at the office and the dance studio (I now know the kids' routines for next weekend...yep, that's the kind of hectic timetable I was on).

 

And today's Ash Wednesday, which means:

1) I'm walking around with ashes on my forehead and it's an obvious conversation starter (even if I'm describing myself as "Catholic-ish" because I went to an Episcopal service this morning)

2) I'm going to be aiming to do two things for the next 40-ish days (technically 46, but what's an extra week they don't tell you about :P):

  • Praying the rosary / taking a quiet 5+ minutes of prayer every evening - I always find this reflective time fulfilling but so infrequently make time for it
  • Attempting to give up gossiping or negative talk about people's character - it's super easy to get pulled into gossip at the dance studio because there's so much to discuss, but my goal will be to not engage in gossiping about how person X is crazy or person Y is lazy

Probably taking a break from the forums for the rest of this challenge to support extra silence / distraction-free time in my day. Catch y'all next week with fresh zero week enthusiasm!

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5 minutes ago, Mike Wazowski said:
  • Attempting to give up gossiping or negative talk about people's character - it's super easy to get pulled into gossip at the dance studio because there's so much to discuss, but my goal will be to not engage in gossiping about how person X is crazy or person Y is lazy

such a great thing to be mindful of! i was shocked at myself when i started tallying the times i did this.

 

5 minutes ago, Mike Wazowski said:

Probably taking a break from the forums for the rest of this challenge to support extra silence / distraction-free time in my day. Catch y'all next week with fresh zero week enthusiasm!

go! be distractionless! see ya on the other side!

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12 minutes ago, Mike Wazowski said:

I'm a hopeless romantic, I think.

*Shrug* I fail to see how a shared bank account is romantic.

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Obligatory disclaimer: I'm not trying to tell anyone how to run their relationship, or manage their money, I'm trying to provide an alternate perspective.

 

Speaking as a millenial (sort of) who shares all financial accounts with my spouse, I struggle to understand how two people can claim to be fully committed to each other, while at the same time insisting on having a financial safety net kept separate from the other person, "just in case I later discover I can't trust you". 

 

To me, it makes no logical sense to trust a person to live in my home, have access to my body, share my innermost feelings, and all my material possessions, but not share money? Whenever I mention to people I meet outside the internet, for example at work, that we have a joint checking account that both our paychecks go into, the person gets this incredulous expression on their face and wistfully comments that "it's great that you two have that kind of trust between each other". And my response, inevitably is, "Well, if we didn't have complete trust in each other, we probably shouldn't be married, now should we?"

 

I have a similar background to Mike, in that only one couple in my immediate family has gone through a messy divorce in my lifetime. That one, and the divorces in my social circle have been messy, convoluted, and complicated, and separate bank accounts would have made a very small difference compared to the fact there are children involved, there are pets, there are shared mortgages, property acquired after the wedding which legally belongs to both parties and most likely includes a home, vehicles, and possibly credit card debt, et cetera, to say nothing of the family cell phone plan. Yes, separate bank accounts might have made it a bit easier, but it seems counter productive to me to set up the logistics of married life with the purpose of making divorce easier.

 

That's not to say that there could not be practical reasons for separate bank accounts, that have nothing to do with commitment levels, but in my mind, that's the exception. The norm and default is to share every part of life in sickness and in health, and that includes our finances. Why wouldn't it?

 

@Mike Wazowski, wanting to end up in a happy long-term relationship of a specific kind that you have witnessed other couples have, and be genuinely happy with, does not make you a hopeless romantic. It makes you a person who knows exactly what he's looking for in a relationship, and by extension, in a date. That is a good thing. Stick with your goal, and do not compromise it. Do not settle. You deserve to be happy, with a man who wants the things you want, and if that takes a while, that's fine. It will be worth it. He will be worth it. ;)

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I just don't see how sharing money is relevant to trust. I also don't see how marriage is relevant to trust or commitment. My parents are technically divorced but they've been together pretty much my entire life and I've always observed the trust and the team work through their actions and behaviours, not how they treat money or which pieces of paper they have. Having said that I don't even know if they have separate accounts or not, it just doesn't seem relevant to their relationship. Either way, not sharing accounts has nothing to do with lack of trust in my eyes, or preparing for divorce, or that I don't want to share my money. I just don't see the point, when I already have my accounts and I buy my own stuff. 

 

Plus it makes it difficult to get awesome surprises!

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27 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Plus it makes it difficult to get awesome surprises!

 

This is a considerable drawback, yes. Though we have found that having separate Amazon accounts mitigates this somewhat.

 

With regards to everything else you said, it makes perfect sense, and is simply a different perspective. We follow whichever one we learned to see as "normal" when we were growing up and starting to learn about relationships in general, I suspect. :)

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FWIW, Ghostess and I keep separate accounts, just because we didn't see the point of jumping through the hoops to create a joint account after we got married.  With regard to trust, we both trust each other enough to handle our own finances and responsibly buy the things we want.  If a purchase affects the other person, we talk about it.  Otherwise, we just do our own thing.  Sometimes I will buy groceries, etc., sometimes she will (but we need to coordinate so that we don't both buy the at the same time).  

 

Different systems work for different people/households.  The best suggestion I have would be to talk it over with your SO and lay out what is important to you and what is important to them, and come up with a system that works best for both of you.  Traditional isn't always necessarily best ;) 

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9 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

With regards to everything else you said, it makes perfect sense, and is simply a different perspective. We follow whichever one we learned to see as "normal" when we were growing up and starting to learn about relationships in general, I suspect. :)

Absolutely! For me it's also a personality thing, if I don't see a clear point to something I won't do it (luckily it hasn't gotten me into too much trouble at work yet :lol:) and I've never understood doing things for symbolic reasons.

 

I definitely agree that nobody should settle in relationships, but it's also worth asking yourself what can be compromised on and what values are fixed. Otherwise you might end up missing out on awesome people for no good reason. (If someone for example insisted to have a shared account I'd honestly get hella suspicious. Though I'll admit it would probably indicate a deeper incompatibility.)

 

48 minutes ago, WhiteGhost said:

Traditional isn't always necessarily best ;) 

Yep! And what works for your parents doesn't mean it's going to work for you!

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2 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

The best suggestion I have would be to talk it over with your SO and lay out what is important to you and what is important to them, and come up with a system that works best for both of you.  Traditional isn't always necessarily best

 

What's best is what works for the two people in the relationship. What others think or believe is irrelevant, compared to that.

 

Yay! We all agree! Group hug! :cheerful:

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MONEYYYY!!! hahaha yes i'm in the camp that it was just easier to keep it separate. i would've gotten a shared account if Spouse really wanted one but we've been doing this a long time and it works. for us, not having a shared bank account has NOTHING to do with not trusting each other or sharing our finances as part of our shared life.

 

it's super important to have these conversations though because I know my parents grew up in a generation where talking about your finances was taboo. when i was reading articles about marriage before doing the thing i was shocked at some of the recommendations to "talk to your partner about how much debt they have, etc. etc." and how finances was a big factor in divorce rates. a lot of that seemed to have to do with the lack of conversation around it.

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6 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

it's super important to have these conversations though because I know my parents grew up in a generation where talking about your finances was taboo. when i was reading articles about marriage before doing the thing i was shocked at some of the recommendations to "talk to your partner about how much debt they have, etc. etc." and how finances was a big factor in divorce rates. a lot of that seemed to have to do with the lack of conversation around it.

 

Depending on the laws where you live, if you owe $90,000 and you marry, your spouse could become legally responsible for that debt as well, and remain responsible for a part of that debt even after divorcing you. If you have separate accounts, and you rack up a massive debt on your credit card, your spouse may legally own half that debt as well, and be forced to pay it, regardless of whether married couple saw themselves as having separate finances or shared finances. That's why finances and money matters definitely are conversations a couple should have before the wedding, not after, because those vows do create legal obligations in ways that not everyone is aware of.

 

And money is the second biggest cause of divorce in the US, I think. At least it was a few years ago.

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