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SkyGirl

Lightbearer: Unbound

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LIGHTBEARER: BOOK ONE

Chapter 2: Unbound

 

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The air was unusually warm and heavy with moisture as the sun peered with a watery eye over the melting landscape, the glistening trees and thick, soggy ground. It was very early and there was little movement around the camp, just a few others stringing bows or poking at fires to cook breakfast. 

 

I sat in my tent, curled up cross-legged on the hide I had brought to keep out moisture, and clenched my jaw as I tightly bound clean strips of cloth over the angrily stinging scars on my left arm. Trouble was brewing deep within me and it was getting harder to keep inside. Ever since I had joined my powers with those of the Dark Elf's, I had been more aware of his presence than ever before - not always consciously, but I felt his ice rushing in my veins when I least wanted it. My hands shook as I aimed my Bow; my concentration faltered as I tried to heal; and when I retreated to my tent at night, I was seized with convulsive shivering, clutching my arms around my body as though I'd never be warm again, and clenching every muscle as tears forced themselves from my eyes. But even worse were the thoughts - over and over, for hours the Voice hissed in my ear, recounting my failures and missteps, describing in anguishing detail the consequences of letting my comrades down, casting doubt on my worthiness to be here and my ability to do this work. When sleep came, still he was there, in the wounded dreams: The man turning away, the hand slipping from mine, the disgusted faces of those I loved. I was afraid. I was filled with icy terror every night and it was starting to leak into the day.

 

No more. I had risen early so no one would see me - no one could know about the constellation of scars splashed across my arm, and certainly no one could see that their usual dull white had brightened to the color of sparkling ice, with angry red inflammation around them. Last night I had gingerly massaged a healing infusion into it, and today I bit down against the cries of pain as I cinched the bandages tight and pulled them mercilessly around the swollen flesh. No more. No weakness. No one could see the pain. 

 

"And you said the Dark Elf had no mercy."

 

I jumped and dropped the bandage as a familiar voice spoke outside, on the other side of my tent wall. It was the Bearded Ranger. "What do you mean?" I stammered, quickly grabbing the ends of the bandage and hurrying to finish the binding before he came to knock at the front.

 

But his voice didn't move. "Don't hurry, I know what you're doing in there. I've seen your hands shake and the color of your eyes." He had noticed them starting to turn icy? I had nearly convinced myself I was imagining it. "Sky, Sky, all these years you've told yourself that the Dark Elf was the one without mercy. But look at you. Your body and spirit are crying out for help and care, and instead you treat yourself with cruelty and anger."

 

Unexpected tears jumped into the back of my throat and, strangely, an extra prick of pain stabbed my scarred arm. I pushed away the ache and kept yanking at the bandages. 

 

"You can't drive the Dark Elf out of you with pain, Sky."

 

Now my hands fell slack and I bowed my head as the tears pooled in my eyes and ran down my cheeks. "You can't bind and tighten and discipline the ice out of your blood, Sky. You can't tie a stick to your spine to take the ache out of your shoulders. And you can't repeat the lies of the Voice back to yourself and expect to heal from them."

 

"I shouldn't have any of this," my own voice burst out of me in anguish. "I shouldn't have these scars, I shouldn't have these weaknesses! I need to be strong! I don't have time to doubt and be afraid - people are depending on me!"

 

"But are they?" the Bearded Ranger's voice was louder now. "You've been part of the Movement for six days, Sky. You're far from home, alone in an unfamiliar part of the forest. You're a full archer now, not a trainee - it will take time to learn how things work and gather all the knowledge you need. Everyone knows that." He paused and I heard him shift his weight. "Are you really trying to show up and be strong for others? Or are you trying to prove something to yourself? Are you really trying to help your fellow archers, or are you trying to drown your own fears and self-doubt in others' praise?"

 

The shivering was returning, the freezing ache deep in my insides. I wrapped my aching arms around myself and couldn't hold back the sobs I had kept tightly bound inside me for days. "The Voice is right," I quivered. "He's right. I can't do this. I'm not worthy to be part of the Movement. I shouldn't be here. I'm going to let them all down."

 

"The Voice is right," the Bearded Ranger answered gently, "you are weak, and frightened, and unworthy. But we all are, Sky. It isn't a sin to be afraid and weak, only to let those things turn you away from Him. The King doesn't need you to wrap all your weaknesses down inside and cover them up where no one can see them. He sees them anyway, even when you hide them from others. And He loves those parts of you. He saw them when He sent you out here and made a place for you in the Movement. Sky, you do belong here. Scars and fears and all. You are loved and needed in your entirety and in your weakness. You are not less worthy because you aren't perfect - you are precious and powerful just as you are, because you bear the King's name and you belong to Him."

 

I looked down at my shaking hands and the half-woven bandage. "But I can't get the ice out of my hands," I shivered, trying to call my healing powers to my hands and finding them intermingled with sprays of ice like they had been for days. "I can't heal people like this. I've got to get rid of him before I can take care of anyone."

 

"Do you?" 

 

I stared at the tent wall. "Don't I?"

 

"Have you tried?"

 

I swallowed. "No?"

 

"Sky, the Dark Elf is telling the truth. He has been part of you from the beginning. You don't have to be afraid of him. If you stop fighting him, he will stop fighting you. Remember how powerful you were when you worked together with him? If you can stop hiding the weak and damaged parts of yourself, you might unlock more power than you've ever had access to before." I heard him stand as if to leave. "Sky, you were made Good when you were chosen to belong to the King's family and be one of His lightbearers. Stop binding the power He could display in your scars. Stop hiding the truth from others and trying to be perfect. Release this pride, release this anger against yourself, and let others love you the way you love them. Let yourself be healed as you have brought healing to others."

 

I looked down at my arm as I heard him shoulder his quiver and move away. His words terrified me; but one thing was right - it hurt too much to keep trying to be perfect and fearless and ingratiating all the time. All that ever ended up happening was just what he said - me, trying to discipline and shame and twist myself into being somehow stronger and braver and better.

 

The King will carry you if you let Him, the soft reassurance drifted across my mind. You are His beloved daughter and He delights in you.

 

Slowly, I began to unwind the bandage and reach for the King's vial at my belt. Today I would try fighting with my scars unbound. 

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10 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Are you really trying to help your fellow archers, or are you trying to drown your own fears and self-doubt in others' praise?"

Oh man, this is something I've come to realize about myself.

 

That writing is incredible, as always. I want to share something with you. If I ever write a fantasy Trilogy, the titles of the three books are going to be:

 

The Greatest Strength

The Greatest Gain

The Greatest Victory

 

One of two MacGuffins is going to be the answer to the question, What is the source of the greatest strength? What is the way to find the greatest gain? How does one obtain the Greatest Victory? 

 

The answer is:

 

The Greatest Strength lies not in power but in weakness. The Greatest gain comes not from acquisition, but from loss. The greatest victory comes not from conquest, but defeat.

 

I think that fits your theme.

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Gosh you're inspiring in the best of ways.  Your feels, I feel them too, we are SO on a similar path right now and it's all gonna be okay.  Trust in yourself.  Believe in yourself!  We CAN, and we WILL, do this!!! <3

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15 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Are you really trying to help your fellow archers, or are you trying to drown your own fears and self-doubt in others' praise?

 

Hnnggg... I feel this in my soul. 

 

15 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Stop hiding the truth from others and trying to be perfect. Release this pride, release this anger against yourself, and let others love you the way you love them. Let yourself be healed as you have brought healing to others.

 

But also, this. It’s so easy to give out love and so hard to receive it, or to give it to ourselves. The only way we can be healed is if we let others have access to our wounds. Most of the time, I hide my wounds within myself, too. It’s not easy to be vulnerable, but the first part is simply realizing that it’s necessary. 

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22 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

You have a gift with your words. I love how you share the Truth in story form. I always come away so encouraged 

 

Thank you, EG, that means a lot to me!!  :D 

 

12 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Oh man, this is something I've come to realize about myself.

 

That writing is incredible, as always. I want to share something with you. If I ever write a fantasy Trilogy, the titles of the three books are going to be:

 

The Greatest Strength

The Greatest Gain

The Greatest Victory

 

One of two MacGuffins is going to be the answer to the question, What is the source of the greatest strength? What is the way to find the greatest gain? How does one obtain the Greatest Victory? 

 

The answer is:

 

The Greatest Strength lies not in power but in weakness. The Greatest gain comes not from acquisition, but from loss. The greatest victory comes not from conquest, but defeat.

 

I think that fits your theme.

 

I think it does too.  :)  I've been reading The Road Back to You at the recommendation of a friend, and finding it jarring and enlightening and helpful. It says that for many people, acts of service can actually be a way to try to earn love and acceptance; and I can definitely see that in my own life, clearly in the past and even now in the present. But whatever "love" I can earn by bending over backwards and trying to make people happy isn't real love, and it comes from a place of feeling unworthy and unlovable myself. I'm tired of being stuck in this cycle and I want to learn how to believe that I am loved and lovable, separate from what I do. In my weakness; in my loss; in my defeat. Because as hackneyed as it is, that's exactly where Jesus found me, and He loved me in that condition. Accepting that is the first step to believing that people can love me when I'm not perfect too.

 

(Also, please please please please do write a fantasy trilogy. I would not only read it, but buy several dozen copies and give them to people. I have a hunch @shaar would do that too.)

 

10 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Such beautiful words Sky. Following and supporting. 

 

Thank you Jon, I'm always glad to have you!!  :D 

 

9 hours ago, shaar said:

Gosh you're inspiring in the best of ways.  Your feels, I feel them too, we are SO on a similar path right now and it's all gonna be okay.  Trust in yourself.  Believe in yourself!  We CAN, and we WILL, do this!!! <3

 

I shared my angst with one of my friends today and called it anxiety, and she gently corrected me and said it wasn't so much anxiety as impostor syndrome ... and I was like "ohhhh, yep yep, you are absolutely right". It's fear that I don't really deserve this and shouldn't be here. But you know, I think what we're both feeling is a twisted version of caring deeply about our new jobs and wanting to do the best we can; and that is a very good desire to have. It feels like fear, but it comes from a place of wanting to do good work and take good care of our coworkers. Our bosses wouldn't have hired us if they didn't believe in us and want us to be part of their teams - we don't have to prove to them that we're good employees, because they already believe it. We just have to bring our awesomeness to those cubicles every day and let it shine.

 

I am SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU MY SHAAR!!! 

 

8 hours ago, Shadri said:

 

Hnnggg... I feel this in my soul. 

 

 

But also, this. It’s so easy to give out love and so hard to receive it, or to give it to ourselves. The only way we can be healed is if we let others have access to our wounds. Most of the time, I hide my wounds within myself, too. It’s not easy to be vulnerable, but the first part is simply realizing that it’s necessary. 

 

It is hard to receive love and I still don't have a good answer on how to learn. In my heart, I know some of it is pride - it feels good to be the one giving help or advice or taking care of others, like I'm important and valuable. It feels humiliating and embarrassing to need help and care myself and I don't like that.

 

But again, I think the root of it is believing that God means it when He says He loves us apart from our actions or our accomplishments - that He sees the part of us that sits crying in our room at 2 in the morning, in our pajamas, with our hair undone and makeup off, not being brave and not helping anyone and not shining very brightly at all ... and He loves that part of us deeply. And, other people can love that part of us too. I think learning to believe that is the key to unlock the door - now, going through it and up the path into wherever the place is that people feel confident and loved and independent of praise and adoration, I have no idea how to do. But I think that belief is the key.  :P 

 

3 hours ago, bker1370 said:

Incredible writing as always

 

Thank you Bker!! I'm so glad you're here!  :D 

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Hokay, that was a massively dramatic opening for what is likely to be a very straightforward challenge.  :D 

 

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Underlying most of my goals in this first part of the year is what I discussed in the opener, which is my quest to really accept love (and all its less intense forms, like tolerance and respect and so forth) and get better at not trying to earn it. That, however, is obviously not something that will be done in one challenge.

 

So, my more immediate goals center on finding a sustainable routine in my new stage of life. I'm living alone for the first time in my life, and without someone living with me to keep me accountable, I'm already lapsing into all sorts of bad habits that are going to catch up with me: Crummy eating (eating crappy food because I hate cooking, not eating enough food, or both), not sleeping enough, not working out, and so on. I've given myself grace for these first two weeks because starting a new job is always a little overwhelming and I have been very tired in the evenings, but starting next week I really need to start inching back toward some normalcy.

 

So without further ado, here is what I hope to accomplish this challenge, and it's short and sweet:

  • Eat two servings of vegetables daily. I don't care what they are, but I realized at dinner the other day that I didn't remember the last time I ate a vegetable, and that's not good. I haven't been avoiding them, I legit just don't think of them when I'm cooking.  :D  So yeah, gotta eat the greens.
  • Do yoga twice weekly.  *settles into chair opposite squirming self*  Honey, okay. Look at me. Look at me. Thank you. Listen, I know you don't feel like working out much right now. I know. I get it. But it's really important and I want you to be healthy. So we're going to do the fun stretchy stuff, okay? Just two times a week. That's all. And you get to pick the days, too, isn't that nice? I know, honey, I know, I love you very much. I just want you to be healthy. Just two times a week, and you can pick whatever videos you want and whatever days you want. I promise it'll be fun. Yes, really, I promise.
  • Be in bed by 11:30PM every work night. This is another tough one, but I'm really, really feeling the lack of sleep hard these last two weeks. It's winter, which drains my energy; and I'm older and more tired at the end of each day. I really need to start my bedtime routine at 11 and be crawling into bed by 11:30 each night if I want to not feel like a zombie all the time. Being well rested will also help me have enough energy to do yoga and other workouts in the evenings.

I know there are / will be other things I want to accomplish this month, but these are the big foundational ones that will help me feel healthy and cared for and more in control of my life. Last weekend, I batch-cooked my lunches for the week, and that was an amazing decision that saved me a crap ton of time and money this week. Definitely, definitely doing that again, even though I'm not making it a set goal - the results were so good I want to do it. Same thing with church - I'm definitely wanting to get to church every weekend in this challenge, and because I want to so much I don't need to make it a goal. Those things are happening. 

 

I also know this isn't the most exciting or hard-hitting challenge I've ever had, but I'm still trying to find my footing in my new routine, and these goals are designed to help me keep pointing toward my ultimate goals - to be strong and well-nourished physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually - while I do that.

 

No compensation plan at the moment, just accountability. I expect every one of you to post angry GIFs on my thread or harass me in real life if you think I'm not keeping up with these goals. 

 

Example

 

giphy.gif

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BrokenRequiredGelada-size_restricted.gif

 

I've survived two weeks of work!! I have been working freakishly hard both this week and last week, and the kicker is that I've had so little to show for it because it's mostly been research ... for four and five and six hours at a time, digging through page after page of technical and applied information about satellite spacecraft, radar, lidar, microwave sensing, thermal radiation sensing, near-infrared and shortwave infrared wavelengths, and how those compare to red and green and blue and regular infrared wavelengths for remote sensing algal blooms, evapotranspiration and insect infestation. And more. Ever so much more. 

 

So I've come home at the end of every day with my brain feeling like a sponge that's been completely submerged in dishwater and then squeezed so it could hold even more. Which is good, because about halfway through each afternoon I've been like "Gosh diddly, I'm just not getting anything done" but then I come home so tired I can barely eat dinner, and I'm like "Yeeeeeah, I got some stuff done".  :D  Like my challenge work, all of this reading and researching is the foundation for my being able to do other stuff later. This week I wrote a short news release and finished the second section of that informational brochure I mentioned last week. 

 

No working out was done this week because I felt like a soaked dishcloth, and also because I injured my ankle somehow on Tuesday and it's still sore today. I don't have a memory of injuring it, but by evening it was sore and slightly bruised on the outer, upper ankle area, and it's been irritated and achy all week. It is feeling better tonight, so I might go to the gym tomorrow for some upper body work. I'm feeling the itch to beat myself into a sweaty mess.  :D 

 

Tonight I'm drinking lovely mint tea and going to binge "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." while knitting and online shopping. I've been trying desperately to hang onto my money because the government could shut down again next week (PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO US CONGRESS) and I don't know if I'll get paid; but at the very least, I need the nice Amazon man to bring me more face wipes.

 

Happy Friday, all my favorite people in the world!!!

 

Jake-Gyllenhaal-Its-Friday.gif 

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Hey sky!!!! Here to offer support and love! Your goals are good and solid and I hope doing them will

help with your routine etc.

 

sounds like a nice evening!! Mmm mint tea :) 

 

xx

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Wooo your goals sound great and your job sounds amazing!!! I’m so happy and excited for you! :D 

 

As to angry gifs... I will consult with the World Wide Inter-Web-Net to find the most angriest of gifs for you.

 

Example:

 

tumblr_inline_pe0fu3ssWy1sbxiqs_540.gif

 

;) <3

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F R I D A Y 

 

WEEKEND!!!!!!!! WE DESERVE IT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Oh gosh your brain-sponge-dishwater analogy IS SO PERFECT.  I'm doing tons of training at work lately and they're giving me more responsibilities as I get the hang of the original ones - which is rad, hey, bring it on I can take it look at me go - but MAN by the end of the day it's like I can barely remember my own name.  I slept for 12 hours Friday night!! X_X  H O O B O Y!  But it'll get better as we get into routine!

 

Not 100% angry but one of my favorite D:!!!!! gifs EVER:

 

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I was given the introvert's favorite present today when Katherine (Irwin's wife) asked if we could cancel our plans for this afternoon!

 

EvergreenAssuredFalcon-size_restricted.g

 

So this afternoon stretches out sunny and empty before me and I am thrilled despite her unfortunate illness.  :D 

 

Yesterday I slept 10 hours until noon (yes, me too, @shaar!!), and got up and immediately cleaned and rearranged the house ... it looks amazing and I'm so pleased with it. I really really like this apartment and this neighborhood, and I'm so incredibly thankful to live here. In the evening, I invited my brother's best friend over for pizza - she's from our hometown and also moved out here for a government job, but she's had a much rougher transition than I've had. We ended up talking so long that she stayed the night and left this morning. It felt really good to offer her some food and coffee and a safe place to sleep - her neighborhood is really scary, much like mine from this summer, while my current neighborhood is quiet and relatively safe; so it meant a lot to me to be able to offer her some hospitality and care. 

 

This morning I didn't go to church because I had planned to listen to a sermon on the train to Katherine and Irwin's house (it's a 1.5-hour train ride from here to there), so after running to the store for some toilet paper and Lean Cuisine meals (again, I thought I wasn't going to have time to cook today), I crashed on my plush sherpa chair and watched the recorded sermon from my home church. It was really good and I got a lot to think about.

 

After that, I fixed a quick snack of apples and peanut butter and popped a load of laundry in the washer, and now I'm about to head for the gym to try the Nerd Fitness Kettlebell Workout that @Tanktimus the Encourager shared on his thread. Tonight I'm going to rest up, drink tea, and get ready for another week - there's a lot going on this week and I want to get a head start on getting plenty of sleep!!

 

I also need to eat two vegetables tonight because I haven't had any yet today, so that will take a bit of creative thinking too - does squash soup count as a vegetable ... ??

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50 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

does squash soup count as a vegetable ... ??

Yes!!!! It's full of yummy squash.I've just discovered the joys of squash soup and I'm a bit obsessed with it

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1 hour ago, Elastigirl said:

Yes!!!! It's full of yummy squash.I've just discovered the joys of squash soup and I'm a bit obsessed with it

 

Isn't it delicious?? I had Panera's autumn squash soup and fell in love with it, so when I was stocking my apartment I went looking for some canned squash soup right away.  :)  It's smooth and slightly sweet, but also savory. I really enjoy it!!

 

-----

 

HOO DOGIES, that kettlebell workout is a much better workout than I realized it was!! I did 10 reps of each movement (15 of the swings), and 3 circuits, with a small 7-pound kettlebell; and my arms and legs were shaking by the end! Definitely doing that again soon!!

 

The gym only had a 5-pound and 7-pound kettlebell, then a 22-pound, 25-pound, and 30-pound; and while I think I could have handled more weight than 7 pounds, I definitely could not have handled anywhere close to 22. So, 7 pounds it was.  :)  And I think that much was good to start with, especially since I hadn't worked out in a week.

 

On the way home, I stopped by the store and picked up some kale, hummus and vitamins - my brother's friend last night remarked how she's noticing symptoms of iron deficiency in herself because she hasn't been eating well, things like easy bruising and slow healing; and that gave me pause because I haven't been eating red meat or dark green leafy vegetables either. After holding the kettlebells in the overhead position at the gym, I saw bruises on my arms where it had pressed the skin against the bone; and while I wouldn't go so far as to say I have iron deficiency, it can never ever hurt to eat more kale. So for dinner, I took my vitamins, and had a hamburger patty with hummus and salsa on top, a bowl of butternut squash soup, and a huge bowl of kale with a bit of honey mustard dressing. (Okay, and the last piece of cake. I needed to get the pan out of the fridge.) It was delicious and motivated me to eat more nutritiously this week.

 

Time to shower and relax for a bit before bed - I already packed my lunch and set up the coffeemaker for tomorrow, so my evening is mine.  :D  SEE GRAD SCHOOL I SURVIVED AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO HOMEWORK IN THE EVENINGS ANYMORE HA HA HA HA HA

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Hey y'all! So another thing about this challenge is that, in order to get to bed on time, I can't take my laptop with me when I sit down for the evening. If I do, I end up scrolling mindlessly and staying awake at least an hour or two longer than I want to (like last night). So, my posting volume may be slightly less this challenge, just because I really need to get more sleep than just 5 hours a night. I'm getting too old to do that for an entire week at a time.  :P 

 

This week has been good so far - things are ramping up to get quite busy at work, which is a little scary but also very much nicer than being bored and feeling like I wasn't earning my pay.  :)  I have some junky food in the fridge that I'm trying to eat up, so my dinners haven't been the best this week, but I did get two servings of vegetables yesterday and today. Tonight I'm too tired to do yoga, but I'm determined to get to bed earlier this evening, so maybe I'll have the energy tomorrow.  :) 

 

Other than that, not much is new - the weather has been bleak and wet and miserable and I'm really longing for spring; I think I'm going to try the martial arts club at work either this week or next week; and this weekend I have to take a night trip into the city, which has already got me feeling nervous and which I'm sure will continue to do so over the course of the week. Taking the train really isn't a big deal, but it still takes me a while to psych myself up for it.

 

Tonight I have to set up my new printer and I don't want to, so I'd better do it now before my last tiny bit of energy ebbs away ... maybe I'll reward myself with a little popcorn afterward ...  :D 

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16 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

This week has been good so far - things are ramping up to get quite busy at work, which is a little scary but also very much nicer than being bored and feeling like I wasn't earning my pay.  :) 

 

RIGHT THERE WITH YA~

 

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I personally think it's nice NASA is preparing to have Space Ninjas.

 

Oh wow where does one sign up for this thing?!!?!1?!.....

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14 hours ago, Infinity.Creates said:

You have a martial arts club at work?! 

 

8 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I personally think it's nice NASA is preparing to have Space Ninjas.

 

Yes!! Because NASA centers are a lot like college campuses - people spend a LOT of time there and are usually involved with high-pressure, deadline-based projects - there are a lot of wellness activities people can get involved in. We have martial arts, yoga, tai chi, ballroom dancing, and meditation - that I know of!! I'm sure there's more!  :D 

 

5 hours ago, shaar said:

Oh wow where does one sign up for this thing?!!?!1?!.....

 

YES HAI I WOULD LIKE TO BE A SPACE NINJA PLEASE

 

giphy.gif

 

5 hours ago, Salinger said:

Did you set up the printer? Hope you treated yourself to popcorn mmmmmmm i might go the cinema soon just to get popcorn :D xx

 

I did set up the printer and I did treat myself to popcorn!! ... and cookies ...  :o  Just a few little teeny ones, though!!

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6 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

 

 

 

I did set up the printer and I did treat myself to popcorn!! ... and cookies ...  :o  Just a few little teeny ones, though!!

 

yeahhhhhhhhhhhh :D x

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