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fleaball

Flea vs Depression

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Depression is a bitch. I need to make it MY bitch.

 

After I complained to my therapist (a lot) about the fact that I can't bring myself to care about challenge goals even though I want to make all kinds of positive changes and actually care about myself, she pointed out that depression makes it hard to think/care about the future. In retrospect... duh? So apparently I need to work on not being quite so depressed if I want to make progress on anything else. Boring.

 

Daily Goals (tracker):

  1. Take a fucking shower.
  2. Eat a fucking plant.
  3. Do some fucking stretches. 
  4. If it takes under 5 minutes to do, do the fucking thing. 

 

There are a million and one things I could be working on, but these 4 feel like the most effective attacks against the things that hold me back. We'll see. Currently making a list of extra credit things I can do to improve how I feel but I really need to focus on these. I'm super fucking pissed that I'm at a point in life where I need to make it a goal to shower every day, but such is life. 

 

This post and my glorious return by the fact that I have therapy tomorrow and for some reason my therapist disapproves of living in a depression cave and keeps asking about the last time I talked to my friends; turns out "uhhhh..." isn't a great answer. (Sorry.)

 

Also, is it just me or is the Rebel GL position the NF equivalent of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher??

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2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Following.

Allright. Who cursed the position?

As the person who spent a year and a half bitching about it being empty in the first place, I can confidently say I had nothing to do with it. If we figure out who it was I will gladly stick a wand up their nose.

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giphy.gif

 

I've been stuck in so much of the same hole for the last three weeks, and didn't even realise until reading your thread.  Those caves are tricksy, and the way out keeps moving in the dark.  You've got this <3

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3 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'm super fucking pissed that I'm at a point in life where I need to make it a goal to shower every day

 

Hey, we have the same goal! xD

 

... and the same feeling toward it. Go you!

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9 hours ago, fleaball said:

Also, is it just me or is the Rebel GL position the NF equivalent of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher??

 

For the record, last challenge I saw a Wobbegong pop up. But I have wondered the same thing.

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1 hour ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

Now I keep picturing you devouring a house plant! :D

 

giphy.webp

 

Maybe you can use that as reinforcement: If you don't shower every day, you have to post a video of you eating a house plant :lol:

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My house plants all have chew marks in them thanks to my cat. Unless it was somehow Flea...

 

Yay Flea! Boo depression! 

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Hey Flea,

 

just stopping by to say you've got a solid plan.

The most basic things are easy to ignore and yet they'll help even with staying in touch with people ^^

 

I think the whole GL problem must have been a curse of someone who left long ago xD

Hopefully Zeroh or Wobbegong are fine and will resurface eventually.

 

Well then, I'll go see if I can keep up with  this Thread for even once ^^

Good luck with navigating out of those worndown caves, I'm sick of that view too.

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8 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

 

Maybe you can use that as reinforcement: If you don't shower every day, you have to post a video of you eating a house plant :lol:

 

I totally vote for this... Knowing it will never happen. Then again, we could put basil or mint in a pot in fleas house, then its a house plant....

 

4 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

 

 

N2gdXlZ.jpg?1

 

All of this thread is why I love and missed Flea's challenges.  (well, and Flea duh).

 

Welcome back Flea. We missed you here.

 

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Fleaaaaaaa we came back at the same time again :strawberry: (tried to find a heart.. this strawberry will have to do)

 

Wow some of these emojis are creepy AF

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On 2/5/2019 at 10:05 PM, fleaball said:

my glorious return

 

Dammit, it's good to see you. I wish it were under better circumstances, but I'm really glad you're here.

 

giphy.gif

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On 2/5/2019 at 11:07 PM, Dalish said:

giphy.gif

 

I've been stuck in so much of the same hole for the last three weeks, and didn't even realise until reading your thread.  Those caves are tricksy, and the way out keeps moving in the dark.  You've got this <3

High five!

 

On 2/6/2019 at 1:56 AM, Jean said:

Hey, we have the same goal! xD

 

... and the same feeling toward it. Go you!

We can do this!

 

On 2/6/2019 at 10:38 AM, WhiteGhost said:

Here for the boring  :)

Welcome aboard!

 

On 2/6/2019 at 10:46 AM, NeverThatBored said:

Now I keep picturing you devouring a house plant! :D

 

giphy.webp

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTVTUxKnHsb0pK0Y_rFNjZ

 

On 2/6/2019 at 12:19 PM, Countess D'If said:

Maybe you can use that as reinforcement: If you don't shower every day, you have to post a video of you eating a house plant :lol:

I couldn't keep a plant alive long enough to try. It's like they die as soon as I look at them.

 

On 2/6/2019 at 2:10 PM, Owlet said:

My house plants all have chew marks in them thanks to my cat. Unless it was somehow Flea...

 

Yay Flea! Boo depression! 

:ph34r: I admit to nothing.

 

On 2/6/2019 at 5:25 PM, RES said:

giphy.gif

 

Flea is back :D 

This is cute and also somehow terrifying.

 

On 2/6/2019 at 6:16 PM, Casbin said:

Hey Flea,

 

just stopping by to say you've got a solid plan.

The most basic things are easy to ignore and yet they'll help even with staying in touch with people ^^

 

I think the whole GL problem must have been a curse of someone who left long ago xD

Hopefully Zeroh or Wobbegong are fine and will resurface eventually.

 

Well then, I'll go see if I can keep up with  this Thread for even once ^^

Good luck with navigating out of those worndown caves, I'm sick of that view too.

Thanks!

 

On 2/6/2019 at 8:52 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

I totally vote for this... Knowing it will never happen. Then again, we could put basil or mint in a pot in fleas house, then its a house plant....

I'd kill those too, don't worry.

 

On 2/6/2019 at 8:52 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

All of this thread is why I love and missed Flea's challenges.  (well, and Flea duh).

 

Welcome back Flea. We missed you here.

<3

 

On 2/6/2019 at 11:13 PM, Rookie said:

Fleaaaaaaa we came back at the same time again :strawberry: (tried to find a heart.. this strawberry will have to do)

 

Wow some of these emojis are creepy AF

heyyo!

 

1 hour ago, Wolfen said:

Dammit, it's good to see you. I wish it were under better circumstances, but I'm really glad you're here.

 

giphy.gif

hiiii

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I already don't want to keep up with this challenge at all. Kinda wrote off zero week because I just don't care. Apathy is awesome. So instead of doing anything else productive, I'm going to write a wall of text about why things that are so simple are so fucking hard for me. Buckle up, kids. 

 

I started seeing my current therapist a year ago next week. At the end of the first session where I recapped the highlights of my life/issues, she said it was too soon to diagnose anything but "right now it sounds like a lot of depression." Or something to that effect. And that was the first time in my life someone said I could have depression. In retrospect, of course I've had it forever and the first time I thought about it was in senior year of high school. But until last year, on the few occasions I'd brought it up I'd been straight up told that I didn't or even couldn't have it. Not always by people qualified to make that call, but it didn't matter. I took it to heart every time. When my therapist said it sounded like I had it, and made it official a few weeks later, I wasn't shocked. I wasn't mad, either. Mostly I thought "okay, that makes sense given that I now realize my family is abusive and I have PTSD to go with it." But it's more or less taken me a year to actually internalize the fact that I have depression and I need to do something about it. I mean, I've mentioned it here before and blamed things on it, but I still never really made it part of my reality. I didn't have a problem with the diagnosis but I don't think I really accepted "I have depression." I've been waiting for it to pass on its own, but that's not a thing. Not in my current situation, anyway. 

 

Part of the reason I haven't been able to own it is that I've always been told that I can't have depression, like I said. It's bullshit, but I believed it anyway. The first time it happened to me was when we learned about it in AP Psych. The symptoms of anxiety and depression resonated with me when we were studying them, but of course I couldn't actually have either of those things because I was a normal kid or whatever, right? So I sat on it, and one night I wrote in my LiveJournal, as you did back then, that I thought I might be depressed. I listed out the symptoms that resonated. And then a friend (who wasn't a friend for much longer, for other reasons) commented that there's no way I could be depressed, "you just need some Ben & Jerry's and a good cry." Cool, thanks. I'm fairly certain she gave reasons like my parents still being together and I had a job and my family had enough money, etc. All of which were reasons living in the back of my head already - how could I be depressed when there wasn't anything wrong in my life? Never mind that some of my other friends said they were depressed and had similar home lives to mine. But the damage was done. 

 

The next two times I remember were both while I was abroad. During my semester in France I was miserable. Surprise, I had undiagnosed anxiety and depression, of course I'm going to struggle. I did fine with the actual speaking French part, to the point that I was the only US student not taking the french-for-foreigners classes, and when the US students were in regular classes with me they'd just copy my notes as I wrote them without even trying to listen to the professors. (French university classes are basically the professor talking for 2 straight hours and you write what they say and ask zero questions.) So I had that part down. It was the rest of the experience that was the issue. The anxiety of doing everything wrong, including not bagging my groceries fast enough and even crossing the street in the wrong place (?!), ruined just about everything. Classes at the university stared several days before we even arrived for orientation, so trying to pick classes and figure out what was happening was a pain in the ass, compounded by the fact that my school here had ridiculous rules about what classes would transfer and how many I needed. At some point during the semester I must have posted something on Facebook about being down, because I distinctly remember getting chastised by a friend to the tune of how dare I not have a good time when I'm so lucky to be in another country and having such a great experience etc. etc. Thanks, that was super helpful. But she succeeded in making me feel bad about feeling bad, so again I decided I can't really be depressed, I must not be trying hard enough to enjoy myself. Or something. And then when I was in Morocco, the schools' counselor (who was from the US!) dismissed me as well. The first semester I was there most of the other US students were juniors and seniors and I made friends and we had a wild time considering the school itself was a fucking shitshow; the second semester was juniors and a lot of sophomores, and only 3 or 4 of us stayed for the second semester. I didn't connect with the new kids and I didn't like the girls who stayed. With the added bonus of the fact that I was still in the same place where I had lots of fun and everywhere I looked there were memories of the fun we had, but those people weren't around anymore. It took me weeks to actually make an appointment to see the counselor because again, I can't have depression, right? And then when I finally got to see her, she listened to me for a few minutes and just told me to stop thinking about my old friends and to start making new friends, that's the only problem I had. Never mind the fact that I barely left my dorm room and had no motivation to go to class and all the other fun stuff. So I left her office feeling like she was wrong and had totally dismissed me, but still with that note of "someone else told me I can't be depressed so it must be true and I must be a drama queen." 

 

The other reason I haven't been able to own it? I'm bitter as hell that I have depression in the first place because most if not all of it is not a question of "oops, my body hates serotonin." No, this is a thing that was done to me and that I had no control over. My family was/is emotionally abusive. My childhood lacked the supportive, nurturing environment that children need to grow into secure people. Instead I got a never-ending game of "what am I going to get yelled at for this time?" As a result, I developed all kinds of coping mechanisms and habits to try to protect myself from whatever consequences. And now I've reached a point in life where those coping mechanisms are no longer helpful and are actively hurting me. So I get to spend my time unlearning everything I knew before and trying to learn how to be a functional human at 30 since I didn't learn it during my formative years. And honestly it feels like I'm just cleaning up someone else's mess. The people responsible can't (and would never) fix this, but it's not fair that I'm the one that has to. Countless hours and hundreds of dollars in therapy over the past 8 years, plus god knows how much still to come. Medication with a laundry list of shitty side effects that I may or may not have to take for the rest of my life if I want to be a functional person. I've spent my entire life cleaning up after my family and solving their problems, and now I have to put myself back together too.

 

So that's the struggle. I recognize that I have depression but I never really accepted that I have depression. I've been clinging to the idea that maybe things will change on their own, maybe I'll get a job or maybe this or once I start doing that. Maybe I won't have to depend on medication, maybe I can start talking to my therapist about things that aren't directly related to family bullshit and I can start moving on with my life. But of course that doesn't work. And I'm tired. I hate living like this. I hate isolating myself from people, I hate waking up and immediately wishing it were bedtime again, I hate that everything is so goddamn fucking hard. I'm 30 years old and "take a shower" is a challenge goal for me. It's a 5-minute process if I don't wash my hair but that's still too much effort. I hate everything about this. 

 

The worst part is that taking ownership of it means doing even more shit I don't want to do. I realized at the beginning of January that I can't keep living like this and I can't keep waiting for things to change on their own. But the only thing I can change from the comfort of my blanket fort is taking medication. I started taking Zoloft 2 weeks ago and honestly I'm fucking pissed about it. Which then feels fucking stupid because I already feel like it's working. It could be a placebo effect, but I do feel like I hate the world slightly less on a daily basis now and I have a little more energy. Not enough for drastic changes, but enough to notice. And I hate it because I feel like I didn't have a choice. No one forced me into it, of course, but I hit a point of "I am so fucked up for reasons largely outside of my control and this is the only other thing that could fix it." 

 

Basically, this challenge is going to suck. It's going to be a merry-go-round of trying to make the depression better while still getting upset over having depression that needs to be fixed and then getting more depressed about it. I am genuinely going to try to meet all my goals every day but I fully expect there will be days, probably several at a time, where I just say fuck it and do nothing because I'm still bitter as fuck about the entire situation. 

 

If you've made it this far, congratulations. Get yourself a cookie or another fun snack that adheres to your eating plan. And please don't tell me I don't need to be mad about taking medication because there's nothing wrong with doing so. I recognize that. I've had that discussion with my therapist. I'm still going to die mad about it because of my own personal circumstances and I will not be convinced otherwise.

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2 hours ago, fleaball said:

And please don't tell me I don't need to be mad about taking medication because there's nothing wrong with doing so. I recognize that. I've had that discussion with my therapist. I'm still going to die mad about it because of my own personal circumstances and I will not be convinced otherwise.

I don't know, after reading your rationale for why you are angry about it, my first reaction was "I would be angry too".  Seems to me like a pretty normal reaction to being involuntarily forced into a terrible situation.

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I am happy to see you still here!
I am reading through and let me know if there is anything I can do.
In any case I would be mad angry too in your shoes. I used anger to get me going for years, it's not recommended I thought it was better than apathy...

Sent from my FIG-LX1 using Tapatalk

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Flea

 

I totally get being angry and I totally get being told "You can't have this." I am/have been there too. I wish I had some smart "hey here is the fix" answer, but I don't. So instead, I am here to listen

 

giphy.gif

bunnycatyes.gif

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You were thrown headfirst into a situation that required you to constantly pick up the pieces of your own psyche after the people you were supposed to be able to trust and rely on broke it time and again, to the point that you have to rely on medication to deal with the aftermath.  There's nothing irrational about being pissed about it.  In the slightest.  Your feelings are completely legitimate and valid.

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Seconding all the above.

 

I think it is ok and natural to be angry or at least I feel the same way occasionally.

Or maybe it's just that anger is one of very few ways to express the whole conflicted mess?

 

Keep it up, I'll stick around and root for you to tackle the mess ahead.

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16 hours ago, fleaball said:

If you've made it this far, congratulations. Get yourself a cookie or another fun snack that adheres to your eating plan. And please don't tell me I don't need to be mad about taking medication because there's nothing wrong with doing so. I recognize that. I've had that discussion with my therapist. I'm still going to die mad about it because of my own personal circumstances and I will not be convinced otherwise.

 

I'm sending you a virtual mental support. My best friend in college had depression. It was hard for all of us, but this too shall pass. In my case with a lot of awkward big man crying, threatening to break down a door, cleaning out an entire ecosystem of molds in the sink, and taking care of a stranger's snooty cat. But it passed, and so will yours.  

 

Anger is natural and encouraged. I like Anger; he's sassy and he takes no prisoner. When I was diagnosed with a chronic genetic disease, I felt the same way. But he's a good friend, and he keeps you moving forward with fiery rage.

 

I'm down to follow along and read. 

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