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fleaball

Flea vs Depression

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I must concur with my colleagues. I would be surprised if you weren't angry about your situation. That's a normal reaction to a not-normal situation. The fact that you are angry about it is actually a good thing, becuase it means the strength of your will is powerful enough to get an emotion through the depression. Another thing that gives me hope that you will pull through this is the following phrase.

18 hours ago, fleaball said:

I've spent my entire life cleaning up after my family and solving their problems, and now I have to put myself back together too.

You were able to cope with all the crap your family put you through. Once you are able to focus all the energy you used to focus on them on you, changes will start to become evident.

 

 

I suspect on top of everything else you are grieving. You are grieving the life you could have had if you had grown up in a healthy household. Once you can say goodbye to the life you could have had, you can begin to rebuild the life you have ahead of you. It's not fair you are in that position, and have a right to every bit of anger you feel.

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19 hours ago, fleaball said:

And please don't tell me I don't need to be mad about taking medication because there's nothing wrong with doing so. I recognize that. I've had that discussion with my therapist. I'm still going to die mad about it because of my own personal circumstances and I will not be convinced otherwise.

Good! Nothing wrong with being mad about your mind or body (in my case) not doing what you want it to do...what you think it should do...because that shit is ridiculous! Brain chemistry is a fucked up thing, and it sucks.

 

2 hours ago, BardicGarlic said:

Anger is natural and encouraged. I like Anger; he's sassy and he takes no prisoner. When I was diagnosed with a chronic genetic disease, I felt the same way. But he's a good friend, and he keeps you moving forward with fiery rage.

QFT

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Things you really don't want to realize at 1:30am : I have no idea where my fucking passport is. I know where it's supposed to be, which is in a drawer in my nightstand. It might still be there, but cleaning out that drawer has been on my to do list forever so I'm hoping it's just buried under all of the other shit that's accumulated. Womp. 

 

Challenge update for today: showered, ate a banana, have not stretched yet because I just got home from Lyfting and I'm busy eating but I'll do it before bed because my calves hate me, and my thing under five minutes was printing off a credit card statement that I need to bring to get my license renewed in the morning AND getting all the other stuff I need together and shoved in my purse. I'm glad I managed to wrangle the SINGLE copy of my birth certificate that we have away from my father and his chaotic "filing system" because I'd've been fucked if both that and my passport were MIA. So now I get to renew license and then go to the dentist. What a fucking Monday.

 

Thanks for all the replies to my word vomit post. I'm not going to reply to everyone but I'm sending hugs and kittens. 

 

5 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I suspect on top of everything else you are grieving. You are grieving the life you could have had if you had grown up in a healthy household. Once you can say goodbye to the life you could have had, you can begin to rebuild the life you have ahead of you. It's not fair you are in that position, and have a right to every bit of anger you feel.

I've cried about this in therapy a lot. I've done some cool shit, but there's no telling what other cool shit I could have done if my brain weren't completely fucked and there's a laundry list of things I know I missed out on. There will be more crying about it in therapy because I will never be over it. Because despite anxiety/depression/PTSD and zero self confidence, I've won several competitive awards and fucked off to third world countries alone without knowing the language. It hurts like a motherfucker to think about what I might have been capable of without shitty mental health holding me back. 

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May your trip to get your drivers license be quick and their not be too many people in the way  (I say this anytime I hear someone is going to the DMV.. That place (at least here) almost needs it own prayer to get out  of.

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8 hours ago, fleaball said:

Things you really don't want to realize at 1:30am : I have no idea where my fucking passport is. I know where it's supposed to be, which is in a drawer in my nightstand. It might still be there, but cleaning out that drawer has been on my to do list forever so I'm hoping it's just buried under all of the other shit that's accumulated. Womp. 

 

 

Done that. It was really lost. 2 days before I had to fly back to my country. Oh the drama. Hope you find yours. 

 

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I can relate to a lot of the things you wrote.  I am depressed also, but I constantly beat myself up because in my head I think that there is no reason for me to be depressed.  I have most things that 'successful' people have.  It's this crazy vicious cycle that I struggle to break out of all the time.  But it is so fucking hard.

 

So, I get the anger.  I'm angry too.

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Flea vs Mondays, part one million and twenty-three:

 

- didn’t get to sleep until after 9 am

- decided my license can wait another day so I can sleep more

- forgot to take into account that getting up later means I run into my brother getting ready for work; had to take a quick shower and didn’t have time to wash my hair and am sad

- threw up while brushing my teeth because my inhaler pissed off my throat somehow and triggered my gag reflex. may have swallowed some toothpaste foam 

 

And now I have to go pay someone to scrape the shit out of my mouth and make me bleed. Whee. 

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On 2/11/2019 at 4:28 AM, WhiteGhost said:

This is a situation that I wouldn't want to be in at ANY time of day.

Yeah, I'm not thrilled with it. Luckily I'm not in your situation and I won't need it in the immediate future. I know it's in my room somewhere, the question is "where the fuck did I put it while unpacking from DC that I thought would be an obvious place for it"? >__> 

 

On 2/11/2019 at 7:48 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

May your trip to get your drivers license be quick and their not be too many people in the way  (I say this anytime I hear someone is going to the DMV.. That place (at least here) almost needs it own prayer to get out  of.

Didn't make it yesterday (or today) but luckily I don't have to go to the actual DMV. In MA you can do certain things, including license renewals, at AAA offices if you're a member. When I went with my father last year the whole thing took about 10 minutes. Massive win, because all of the DMV locations near me are massive pains in the ass to get to, never mind the epic lines.

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Mehhhhh. Did all my things yesterday. Had to update my medical history at the dentist, hygienist asked if I was clenching my jaw more since I've started the Zoloft. Surprise, I have, but I didn't realize that was a potential side effect. I thought I was somehow even more stressed lately.  It's also causing dry mouth, which sucks. 

 

Planned on doing my license today, but despite being exhausted and having barely slept yesterday, I also didn't sleep well last night. Fell asleep after 6 am, continued to wake up every hour or so. Decided to just deal with my license tomorrow after therapy and run some errands in that area at the same time. Partly because of sleep, partly because we got a snow storm today that moved in during the early afternoon and I didn't want to have to deal with it in my shitty car. Did not shower, because despite my earlier sleep troubles, after I gave up trying to sleep around 1pm and just stayed in bed dicking around on my phone, I managed to fall asleep until 5:30. Threw off my entire day. And despite the fact that I'm supposed to shower every day, it felt like a waste because it was so late. So meh. But I did make some frozen veggies with my pasta, I've done several quick things I've been putting off, and I will do some stretches the next time I get up to refill my water. I just decided I'm going to try to make that a trigger action so that every time I get a refill (which is often, because dry mouth) I stretch something. That will make it automatic and remove the option of "I'll do it later... I'll do it later... oops too late, I'm already in bed for the night." We'll see what happens.

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10 hours ago, fleaball said:

Didn't make it yesterday (or today) but luckily I don't have to go to the actual DMV. In MA you can do certain things, including license renewals, at AAA offices if you're a member. When I went with my father last year the whole thing took about 10 minutes. Massive win, because all of the DMV locations near me are massive pains in the ass to get to, never mind the epic lines.

 

That is kind of cool that you can use the AAA membership thing. Our state let me renew it online this last time because my info didn't change and I hadn't had a ticket. I think I finally did it at like 6 am on a Saturday.

 

8 hours ago, fleaball said:

 I've done several quick things I've been putting off, and I will do some stretches the next time I get up to refill my water. I just decided I'm going to try to make that a trigger action so that every time I get a refill (which is often, because dry mouth) I stretch something. That will make it automatic and remove the option of "I'll do it later... I'll do it later... oops too late, I'm already in bed for the night." We'll see what happens. 

 

This could work really well for you. I mean you have to get up to get water, try and do something when you do. I say as I have had to start setting timers to get up and walk during homework.

I hope you slept a bit better last night.

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License renewed. Ridiculous amount of money spent at Target. Now I’m off to get a burger that I 1000% don’t need but am going to enjoy regardless, because I slept like shit again and even though you’re not supposed to use food as a reward, I ran my errands instead of going home and going to bed so I’m getting a goddamn burger. 

 

Aaaand it started hailing while I was writing this. Awesome. 

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19 hours ago, fleaball said:

I've done several quick things I've been putting off, and I will do some stretches the next time I get up to refill my water. I just decided I'm going to try to make that a trigger action so that every time I get a refill (which is often, because dry mouth) I stretch something. That will make it automatic and remove the option of "I'll do it later... I'll do it later... oops too late, I'm already in bed for the night." We'll see what happens.

 

This sounds like a great plan!! 

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I know ID photos are legally required to be awful, but holy shit mine is atrocious. Gross fat face + double chin, frizzy hair that hasn't been washed in a week and a half, splotchy red skin because I'm officially one of those obese people who overheats just by existing, and bags under my eyes because I haven't slept properly in at least two weeks. Part of me doesn't care and part of me is just wondering how that photo is even me. But whatever. Hopefully it won't be me for much longer. 

 

Tomorrow is going to suck because I have a cardiologist appointment at 7:30 in the fucking morning. When I scheduled it 6 months ago I naively thought I'd have a job by now. I could have cancelled but I have a few questions for her and I'd rather ask them in person than send her a message and go back and forth a dozen times. (In case anyone's worried, nothing is wrong. When I saw her the first time she said I didn't really need to come back unless something happened/I wanted to, so I made an appointment just to have. I just want to check in with her again since I've gained more weight to see what I should be doing for exercise, and also to ask if the stupid Zoloft will affect anything. The internet says it can lower heart rate but the internet also says everything is cancer so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) I'm a grumpy motherfucker though because I'm not sure I'll sleep at all tonight. Which blows, because I wanted to do Lyft because Valentine's Day. If I can't manage to sleep after the appointment then that's out the window. 

 

Today was a reasonably decent day. My burger was tasty (my stomach hates me for it though), I got my stupid license renewed in about ten minutes, and I got several things at Target that I've been needing for a while. New face washes since the one I've been using decided it hates me, and fancy new shampoo since apparently I have curly hair and it's taken me 30 years to realize this?? So I'm trying things recommended by reddit to see if I can get it to be manageable instead of the disaster that it currently is. The ridiculous thing is that I mentioned something like "apparently we both have curly hair" to my brother last month and he was like "duh?" I am ashamed that a person who cannot spare a single microscopic fuck for his own appearance noticed this before I did. I've spent my entire life thinking my hair was just slightly wavy (didn't realize that's related to curly) and that most of the wavy came from putting it up when wet. Apparently not. I literally have no idea what I'll do with my hair if this curly stuff works. Still leaning toward chopping it all off at some point. Meh. 

 

Also I have a super fun case of plantar fasciitis right now and walking is a bitch. Which sucks because I was going to walk to/from the train/hospital for my appointment tomorrow, and now I'm either driving myself if I sleep enough or taking a stupid expensive Lyft or Uber instead. Womp. 

 

Ending the random stream of consciousness post now so I can eat dinner. Does spinach dip count as a plant?

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I’m watching an Australian show on Netflix called “Bringing Sexy Back” and there’s a couple trying to lose weight fast and the trainer has the husband burning 3500 calories a day and the wife 3000.  That sounds absolutely fucking bananas. 

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44 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I’m watching an Australian show on Netflix called “Bringing Sexy Back” and there’s a couple trying to lose weight fast and the trainer has the husband burning 3500 calories a day and the wife 3000.  That sounds absolutely fucking bananas. 

 

Those crazy weight loss shows are so sketchy! Except the hulu show My Big Fat Pet Makeover...that one's pretty legit. :D 

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8 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

Those crazy weight loss shows are so sketchy! Except the hulu show My Big Fat Pet Makeover...that one's pretty legit. :D 

Aww that one sounds adorable. I know these shows arent realistic but like... what.  The lady ended up only averaging 2600 calories burned a day over like two months and the trainer was like “that’s an entire hour of exercise she’s not doing!” I wanted to punch him. She wound up losing 25kg in 4 months, fuck off. 

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Ugh! The woman is probably doing the right thing for her health!
Losing too much weight all together is a stress for the body (and the heart in particular).
Also, if they are exercising there is muscle gain, that weights more than fat...
Yet part of my brain is: 25kg in 4 months... I wish I could do that.
Flea, I'm following quietly, but sending strong bone-chrushing hugs

Sent from my FIG-LX1 using Tapatalk

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13 hours ago, fleaball said:

I’m watching an Australian show on Netflix called “Bringing Sexy Back” and there’s a couple trying to lose weight fast and the trainer has the husband burning 3500 calories a day and the wife 3000.  That sounds absolutely fucking bananas. 

Biggest loser used to get them to take stimulants off camera so they could work out for longer periods of time. Then they'd send them home to the exact same environments that led to them gaining weight in the first place and almost all of them ended up worse off than before they went on the show.

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9 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Biggest loser used to get them to take stimulants off camera so they could work out for longer periods of time. Then they'd send them home to the exact same environments that led to them gaining weight in the first place and almost all of them ended up worse off than before they went on the show.

 

Its sad using the human biology for a good show when we should be helping their psyche and working out slowly.

 

no one can keep up with that kind of living..  It’s sad to give people hope when it’s not reality.

 

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

I haven’t been this tired since grad school. Someone kill me. 

 

*instead of killing you, I tuck you in bed*

go to sleep and let that burger digest! 

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22 hours ago, fleaball said:

I haven’t been this tired since grad school. Someone kill me. 

 

You pushed yourself in a lot of ways on a single breath, rest up, charge and then face the next batch up ahead.

Keep pushing, you will do this well.

 

Not commenting on that show, I'd just get angry...

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