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fleaball

Flea vs Depression

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1 hour ago, fleaball said:

I have an ear infection in both ears and CVS is taking forfuckingever to fill my prescription. I just want to go home. 

I just want to point out that you actually went to CVS to get the prescription. You didn't sit at home waiting for someone to rescue you, or stew at the impossiblity of life. Instead you are stewing at the ridiculous wait time of having a prescription filled, because you GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE even though you are sick AND TOOK CARE OF YOURSELF. 

 

I declare this a woot-worthy sign of your self care.

 

Woot.

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6 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Okay, first I know nothing about magicians (although I have been watching Deadly Class). But I am glad you are not a soulless robot.

 

And for the record, sometimes I find it easier to do things for other people because "I am suppose to care for them" but I can't do it for myself.

 

Sorry, I have yet to figure out how to make brains make sense. I have said for years, I wish I could crack my (or an agent's) head open and flip the switch, fix the code that makes certain things harder than others.  That would make things so much easier.

The Magicians is like Harry Potter meets murder Narnia and I highly recommend everyone watch it immediately. It's really progressive, addresses a lot of heavy shit in a smart way, and there are multiple queer characters!! Whose identities aren't based solely on the fact that they're queer!! I LOVE THIS SHOW. 

 

Ahem.

 

Yeah the doing things for other people is true for me too and also fucking annoying. I do not like this programming. D: If you ever find the secret to hacking brain code, plz share.

 

8 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I just want to point out that you actually went to CVS to get the prescription. You didn't sit at home waiting for someone to rescue you, or stew at the impossiblity of life. Instead you are stewing at the ridiculous wait time of having a prescription filled, because you GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE even though you are sick AND TOOK CARE OF YOURSELF. 

 

I declare this a woot-worthy sign of your self care.

 

Woot.

Appreciate the woot. I was already out of the house to go to the urgent care place though, and stopped at CVS on my way home. I knew if I didn't get it then, I wasn't going back out later. Also I don't feel super sick. I have an annoying sore throat but went to the urgent care fully expecting there to be nothing wrong with me and having them tell me to drink some tea or something. So like, I see your point but also meh.

 

Although I guess I can take a partial woot, because I could have gone home and asked my brother to pick it up when he went to go get his own prescription later, but I didn't. 

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I do not like this programming. D: If you ever find the secret to hacking brain code, plz share


This makes me think of neuroplasticity (your brain can change patterns)
And the only way I heard that it is applied to brain hacks is meditation and exercise... My problem is that I need to change my programming to do that, so... :shrug:
You are taking the full woot Flea, you are taking care of you and that is what matters

Sent from my FIG-LX1 using Tapatalk

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18 hours ago, fleaball said:

 

Appreciate the woot. I was already out of the house to go to the urgent care place though, and stopped at CVS on my way home. I knew if I didn't get it then, I wasn't going back out later. Also I don't feel super sick. I have an annoying sore throat but went to the urgent care fully expecting there to be nothing wrong with me and having them tell me to drink some tea or something. So like, I see your point but also meh.

 

Although I guess I can take a partial woot, because I could have gone home and asked my brother to pick it up when he went to go get his own prescription later, but I didn't. 

Dammit, when I say woot I mean woot! That woot stands in the fullness of its majesty and you get full credit whether you like it or not.

;) 

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21 hours ago, fleaball said:

Although I guess I can take a partial woot, because I could have gone home and asked my brother to pick it up when he went to go get his own prescription later, but I didn't. 

And you'd have been well within your right to do so after the many times you've rescued him by getting his scrips!

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Today has not been a good day and I don't know why, and that bothers me. Because if I could figure out why then I could do something about it. Running theory is that I left the house to do things every day from Sunday-Thursday, which is much more often than I'm used to, and it all caught up with me today or something. Has to be at least part of it. I've been really anxious and antsy all day though. Every time I start doing something I last for about two minutes before giving up because I don't want to do it and I can't focus anyway. I was home alone for 8 hours so I can't even blame anyone else. I started watching The Umbrella Academy since everyone's raving about it but I haven't paid attention to any of it. I feel tightly wound up but at the same time it's not nervous energy or anything. If it were energy I could try to channel it into something but that's not working. I've also felt like crying for no discernible reason. 

 

Unrelated but also annoying: Zoloft is messing with my appetite. It's curbed the mindless snacking, which is a good thing, but I'm also not interested in food most of the time. Like I'll suddenly notice I'm starving, reluctantly go make food, and then ignore the food for the next half hour because I have no interest in eating it despite my stomach trying to eat itself in desperation. When I finally do eat it's the same portions of things I've always eaten, but before I'm done I get this feeling like "if I eat one more bite I'm going to puke on principle." I'm trying to be conscious of eating smaller amounts of food more often, but it's still an adjustment. I told my doctor as much when I checked in with her and she wasn't concerned, probably because I said I'm trying to stay on top of it. (Lbr I could afford to be eating less. I just don't want to fuck things up by never eating.) She gave me the option of doubling my dose (her plan from the beginngin) or staying where I am for another month, and I opted for the latter. I want to see if changing the way I eat will help me get the reflux under control enough to start wearing my night guard again so I don't grind my teeth into powder; I haven't been able to wear it because when the reflux got worse it started making me gag when I put it in. Having a gold tooth is cool, but I really don't want to have to replace more cracked teeth with implants. 

 

Gonna go stare at my phone now and hope things magically change.

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It’s 2:15 am. I am not asleep, as usual. And out of nowhere it just hit me that it makes perfect fucking sense that I am constantly afraid of getting in trouble for literally anything but particularly the smallest most ridiculous things. 

 

Another mystery solved. 

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Welp. Challenge is theoretically going better than past ones have, but I'm grumpy about it. Skipped showering Friday and Saturday because they were bad days. Those were probably the days I should have made an effort, and I did actually tell myself I'd get to it but never followed through. It's frustrating that I can't get myself to spend 5 whole minutes doing it, even when I know it will make me feel better. I really wish I had the balls to cut off all my hair because I swear if my hair weren't a factor it wouldn't be so hard. But whatever. I've done well with eating plants, minus Friday and Saturday when I didn't have any fruit in the house and didn't order any food with veggies. (I did order pancakes with fruit with this goal in mind, but I don't think the 2 strawberries they gave me count.) Stretching is... not going well. I've been doing some very small stretches out of necessity when things hurt, but nothing to be proactive about it. And before I get yelled at, that's really what the goal was supposed to be. Everything is tight and the broken parts that could benefit from stretching and PT exercises are not getting stretched. I've rolled my ankle twice in the last 3 weeks while standing on snow to clean off my car and it continues to hurt like a motherfucker. Had I been keeping up with rehab since I sprained it 3 fucking years ago, it would probably not be the way it is. Anyway, the only goal that I'm doing well on is the doing of things that take under 5 minutes. Usually it takes the form of "ugh, fine" but generally it's the one thing that feels basic enough that I really shouldn't skip it. 

 

I went to the doctor today because my arm has been hurting and tingling since Friday and I wanted to know why. By sheer luck I happened to get my PCP. As she was doing her exam she said my heart rate was high "as usual" and that she'd seen the notes from the cardiologist who didn't recommend any treatment or anything for it. I said "yeah, I just have to stop being fat." And she looked at me like she had no idea how to respond. It was hilarious. She said the pain could be either carpal tunnel or a compressed nerve in my shoulder. I'm betting the latter because I've been sleeping funny lately and waking up with a sore neck, but since there's really nothing to do about that other than stop doing stupid things while unconscious we're treating it as carpal tunnel. Meh. Pretty sure that's in my future anyway so why not. 

 

I'm going to try to run some errands tomorrow. Aldi has various kitchen stuff on sale, plus a few weeks ago they advertised a new line of plant-based products that I want to check out. I also want to go out and get a pot and bowl like I've been talking about forever so that I can stop using the lack of them as an excuse. There's a Trader Joe's in the plaza where I'd get them, so I can run in there and use up a random $7ish dollars I have on a gift card. I've actually been wanting to cook lately? But only things I don't have, not the boxes of pasta and whatnot. I think I've gotten bored of pasta the way I usually make it, since it's so easy that it's more or less the only thing I cook. There's a super easy quinoa and lentil thing that I used to love but totally forgot about, a couscous side dish that's really good (I threw the recipes for both at @Dalish earlier if anyone wants them), and some other stuff I kind of know exists that sounds good but I need to figure out how to make (I saw a photo of spaghetti with halved grape tomatoes instead of sauce and mind = blown). When I think about cooking things and even shopping for the ingredients, I still get anxious as fuck and don't want to do it. But when I think about how tasty they are and how happy I'll be when I eat these things (veggies! clean, light ingredients! no meat or dairy to make me feel like shit! complex carbs!) I get excited and start looking forward to it. So I'm going to bring it up with my therapist on Wednesday to figure out a way to channel that excitement into the shopping/cooking process and maybe try to make it less of a shitty experience. I know I can't rewrite that script entirely because I'm still in the shitty kitchen with shitty people that got me to this point in the first place, but if I can slowly change the focus from the drama of it to the results, maybe I can hate it less. 

 

Aaaaand while I was writing this post Dalish just suggested we each try a new recipe each week and post the results etc. Which I agreed to if only to tell my therapist "look I did a thing." (It really is a good idea, I'm just a grumpy fuck who's afraid of getting better.) So I guess I really do have to go shopping tomorrow. Ack. 

 

Wow. I just wrote "afraid of getting better" in jest but nope, that's actually a thing. I literally have no idea who I am without crippling mental health issues and I actually have to figure that out if I get better. yikes. 

 

On 2/22/2019 at 6:15 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Dammit, when I say woot I mean woot! That woot stands in the fullness of its majesty and you get full credit whether you like it or not.

;) 

D<

 

On 2/22/2019 at 9:05 PM, RES said:

And you'd have been well within your right to do so after the many times you've rescued him by getting his scrips!

Oh yeah, I had no problem with that. It was more like I needed to get it myself to feel like the whole outing was complete. If I'd gone home without the medicine I'd either be sitting around grumping about having to go back out, or waiting two more hours for him to come home with it and either way it would feel like it was hanging over my head.

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You've got this, 100% :)  I'm super proud of you for saying yes!  It's a big hurdle to overcome, that's why I only suggested once a week, and if we need to re-evaluate that later down the line then we will. 

 

Trying your best is an impressive achievement, even if your best is and what you think your best should be are different right now.  

 

Any and all the support I can offer for you is on the table (as always), and you've got plenty of other great friends here as well for support and encouragement :) 

 

giphy.gif

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54 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Aaaaand while I was writing this post Dalish just suggested we each try a new recipe each week and post the results etc. Which I agreed to if only to tell my therapist "look I did a thing."

I actually really love this idea.  This is something that I did pretty much every challenge as I was getting started on cooking.  I am very excited to see how this works out for you :) 

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2 minutes ago, WhiteGhost said:

I actually really love this idea.  This is something that I did pretty much every challenge as I was getting started on cooking.  I am very excited to see how this works out for you :) 

 

I made a thread for it :D  right here so anyone can join in/have a look at tasty things

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On 2/24/2019 at 6:37 PM, fleaball said:

Drove by the cemetery where my mother is. Gave her the finger. Very satisfying. 

 

I totally understand. Sometimes being able to just tell a person/place how you feel (even if they will never know) can be rather satisfying and therapeutic

 

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

Aaaaand while I was writing this post Dalish just suggested we each try a new recipe each week and post the results etc. Which I agreed to if only to tell my therapist "look I did a thing." (It really is a good idea, I'm just a grumpy fuck who's afraid of getting better.) So I guess I really do have to go shopping tomorrow. Ack.  

 

I think this is a great idea. I may follow. I may have to see how your doing it and maybe throw out some ideas too.

 

 

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8 hours ago, fleaball said:

Aaaaand while I was writing this post Dalish just suggested we each try a new recipe each week and post the results etc. Which I agreed to if only to tell my therapist "look I did a thing." (It really is a good idea, I'm just a grumpy fuck who's afraid of getting better.) So I guess I really do have to go shopping tomorrow. Ack. 

When I read this I thought this was a really good sign of progress in how you view yourself. I'm Grumpy is an indication of mood, rather than self-deprication. It acknowledges how you feel without beating yourself up. And afraid of getting better is really good insight, even if it was originally intended in jest.

8 hours ago, fleaball said:

Wow. I just wrote "afraid of getting better" in jest but nope, that's actually a thing. I literally have no idea who I am without crippling mental health issues and I actually have to figure that out if I get better. yikes. 

 

Coming to that awareness on your own, without anyone prompting you, is a HUGE sign of progress. I suspect that to you it doesn't feel like you've done a whole lot or made much progress. To me, it's very evident when I think back to when I first started following you how much growth you have done. Probably because the signs are all internal, and don't express themselves much in outward behaviors yet, it's hard for you to see. You're at the stage where progress is much easier for others to notice by observing your communication and noting patterns. Please believe me, there IS progress and it IS evident. At some point, the floodgates will burst and the evidence of that progress will start making itself known behaviorally. Just stick with it.

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8 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I totally understand. Sometimes being able to just tell a person/place how you feel (even if they will never know) can be rather satisfying and therapeutic

Not gonna lie, sometimes I wish I could just go sit in front of her spot and just scream at the top of my lungs. I'd probably get arrested or something though, so it can stay a daydream for now.

 

8 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I think this is a great idea. I may follow. I may have to see how your doing it and maybe throw out some ideas too.

Yay! The more the merrier. But no pressure.

 

7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

When I read this I thought this was a really good sign of progress in how you view yourself. I'm Grumpy is an indication of mood, rather than self-deprication. It acknowledges how you feel without beating yourself up. And afraid of getting better is really good insight, even if it was originally intended in jest.

Huh. Didn't even think about that. Thanks for pointing it out.

 

7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Coming to that awareness on your own, without anyone prompting you, is a HUGE sign of progress. I suspect that to you it doesn't feel like you've done a whole lot or made much progress. To me, it's very evident when I think back to when I first started following you how much growth you have done. Probably because the signs are all internal, and don't express themselves much in outward behaviors yet, it's hard for you to see. You're at the stage where progress is much easier for others to notice by observing your communication and noting patterns. Please believe me, there IS progress and it IS evident. At some point, the floodgates will burst and the evidence of that progress will start making itself known behaviorally. Just stick with it.

You're right. I can tell I've made progress in a vague sort of way, and I know if nothing else I've made a lot of observations/realizations as to why I do and think the things I do, but it's hard to see it overall. It's been a year since I started seeing my therapist and I was telling her last week that I feel like not much has happened. Not like she's not helping me, but like "It's been a year why am I still stuck at this point??" But you and everybody else keep telling me I'm better, and while I may push back I'm still taking it to heart. I can't really convince myself that a dozen different people are lying to me about it. 

 

I will definitely stick with it. There may be some stops and starts, but there's no question that I'll keep going. My biggest fear since I was a child is turning into my mother: no friends, no hobbies or interests, sitting on the couch all day, doing the bare minimum day to day, not taking care of herself, no indication that she wanted to change any of it. Sure, I know now that she had underlying issues, but so do I and I'm choosing not to let them consume me the way she did. I'm not refusing help or concern from other people. And while I'm clearly not where I want to be in life right now and resemble her a lot more than I'd like, I'm working to change it. I can't spend the rest of my life being miserable. I don't want to. So no matter what happens, I'm going to keep moving forward and taking my small victories as they come.

 

15 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I actually really love this idea.  This is something that I did pretty much every challenge as I was getting started on cooking.  I am very excited to see how this works out for you :) 

I've made it a goal several times but never really followed through. I think having it be A Thing with other people will help. I hope lol. 

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It’s nearly 6pm and I haven’t gone out yet. Slept really badly and have had trouble wanting to do anything. Trying to work it up but tbh the thought of going to a grocery store is making me hella anxious. :/ Rah. Maybe I’ll just cook my stupid pasta and try to get things done at home so the day isn’t entirely a waste. 

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26 minutes ago, fleaball said:

It’s nearly 6pm and I haven’t gone out yet. Slept really badly and have had trouble wanting to do anything. Trying to work it up but tbh the thought of going to a grocery store is making me hella anxious. :/ Rah. Maybe I’ll just cook my stupid pasta and try to get things done at home so the day isn’t entirely a waste. 

Man, fornicate depression.

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Did not actually do anything today. I'm going grocery shopping after therapy tomorrow as usual, and I'll try to run the other errands after lunch. We'll see. Although if I'm going to be trying new recipes every week I really do need to get stuff. I'm grumpy that the only IKEA around is at least an hour away, usually more with traffic; they have some really cute dishware that would probably make eating more fun. Maybe I'll wander around Target if I get really brave. 

 

I'm pretty sure the reason I slept badly last night is that Fat Kitty has ruined me. He more or less lives on my bed all the time and he's usually there when I decide to go to sleep, so he either cuddles with me or sprawls out on his side of the bed. I can't believe I just wrote that. But for whatever reason last night he spent most of the night downstairs in a corner of the living room where he made himself a bed out of several of my father's jackets. And I swear that's why I couldn't sleep. Which is stupid and inconvenient and I'm going to be mad if it's true. I don't need him to spend the entire night with me (usually he gets annoyed by my rolling around a lot and leaves, then comes back later) but I might need him near me to fall asleep. Stupid cat. 

 

Anyway. I'm grumpy about not getting to Aldi. I think I may have made it worse for myself because today was the last day they had the things I wanted so the pressure was on. It's not like it was anything I couldn't get elsewhere, but it was cheap and right across the street. 

 

Blah. Cross your fingers that I sleep better tonight.

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25 minutes ago, fleaball said:

so he either cuddles with me or sprawls out on his side of the bed. I can't believe I just wrote that.

Its what we get used to, our body seeks famliarity in our routines. I've known folks who can't sleep in a quiet room and folks who can't sleep in the dark (not afrid, just wide awake)
Never told anyone this before but, when my upstairs room mate got up an hour earlier than me to go to school his cat Fuji would come downstairs and lay on my head. At first I hated it, I would push him off and he would get back up and lay on my feet. Evenutally I just started ignoring it and eventually after that I would sleep though it. Then one day he locked his cat in his room... instead of sleeping for another hour woke up and I listened to him move around upsatairs as he got ready for his bus and I had no idea why I was so awake...
I didn't want to admit I had got used to the cat sleeping on my head but he contined to keep the cat upstairs for some time. Eventually I re-learned to sleep without a cat on my head.

I'm not even a cat person.

Fingers crossed, sleep well. Maybe stick a random small pillow in his place if he does it again.
 

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12 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'm pretty sure the reason I slept badly last night is that Fat Kitty has ruined me. He more or less lives on my bed all the time and he's usually there when I decide to go to sleep, so he either cuddles with me or sprawls out on his side of the bed. I can't believe I just wrote that.

 

My cat used to have his own pillow and blanket on one side of the bed! :D No shame.

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I sat in the grocery store parking lot for an hour before going in. Now that I’m inside I’m about to cry and I think I’m having a panic attack? 

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19 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

Do you have any Xanax with you?

Nope. Panic is not usually my thing so Xanax has never been on the table. I managed to power through (and not cry!) because fuck you brain, I need food. Now I’m in my car ready to go home and hug a cat. 

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