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fleaball

Flea vs Depression

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Okay. No one wants to hear me bitch about any of this anymore but I’m in major bitch mode. 

 

I’m so fucking hungry. But eating still upsets my stomach. Not barfy, but just “I haven’t eaten in two days, what the fuck are you doing now?” So I’m obviously not eating enough to not be hungry anymore.

 

I’m also exhausted because even though I slept it obviously wasn’t enough on that front either. But I don’t want to go to sleep. It’s now a restless tired and I hate it. 

 

And I’m just so done with my family’s bullshit. We hit traffic on the drive home and my father got pissy. We’d barely been home a few minutes and he started complaining about my brother. A little while ago he went out to buy pine sol (because apparently only that and bleach kill norovirus? and he doesn’t want to use bleach for some reason?) and get me some Gatorade, then he called me from the store with other questions. Then came home and realized the pine sol was leaking somehow and flipped the fuck out, leaving me to clean up the puddle while he went back and swapped it for a good one. And then boobcat ran through the puddle because of course he did. So I had to get my brother to trick him with treats so I could grab him and hold him for my brother to wipe his feet off. We cleaned up the puddle and then my father came home  raging because of course everything is against him and I’m just... ugh. 

 

It’s almost like I was better off in the hospital. At least there I was largely left alone. 

 

Oh and also! That liver test that keeps coming back higher and higher? Yeah they did CT scan of my chest an abdomen before they knew what the issue was, and there are definite indications of fatty liver. Fml. 

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Okay, where do I get a redo on March? 

 

I'm supposed to do a minimum of 20 rides per week (Monday-Monday) with Lyft to keep renting my car. Normally this is stupid easy, but last week I was busy with my father being sick and then immediately got sick myself. I'm still not feeling well enough to do it today, plus it's snowing and then it's going to get foggy and gross earlier. So now I have to get up early tomorrow and go to the place and beg them to waive the requirement for the week because I was in the hospital, and if they don't I lose the car AND have to pay $250 for it for last week for nothing. I don't think they'll be dicks about it but I'm still going to worry until the moment I walk out of there with keys still in my hand. I've got plenty of IV bruises and needle marks to back up my story if necessary. (Did I mention I was so dehydrated it was impossible for them to get IVs in without an ultrasound to find my veins? Didn't stop them from trying.)

 

Also the stupid fucking couch my father bought? They don't have enough of that fabric he wanted anymore to do it, so we have to go back up this week and try something else. So now he's in a mood because he "can't even get a fucking couch like normal people." This would be a perfect day to drive and not be in the house if I weren't waiting for my breakfast to make a reappearance right now. >>

 

If anyone needs me I'll be hugging Fat Kitty while rewatching old seasons of British Bake-Off, because fuck it.

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Also, I lost 7 pounds since last Sunday. How do we monetize norovirus as the next big diet solution?
I want a redo of the whole 2019, so if you find the redo office, please shout.

I am glad you haven't lost your humour and yes norovirus can be the next big diet thingy! Create a company: norovirus by Flea, make money and be out getting interviews so you are not with your dad!
It a win on every way!!
Get better Flea

Sent from my FIG-LX1 using Tapatalk

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Flea, I am glad your home, but your dad... I have no words...

Hopefully you continue to feel better and lyft will understand.

 

And for the record, YOU CAN ALWAYS bitch here about your dad. I want to hear it if nothing else, so never think we don't want to hear more.

*hugs* Hope you are feeling better today.

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I've been trying to make an update post all day but I am too fucking tired to put that many words together. Even though I'm 100% not virus-y anymore I'm still afraid of eating. My stomach is still wonky thanks to going about 60 hours without food and then trying to eat again, plus I missed a few doses of my acid reflux med and then they gave me a different one than I'm used to because they didn't keep mine in stock, and all of that is messing with me as well. So I'm tired, hungry, and cranky. And dealing with my father on top of everything else. Updates, replies, and a new thread coming in eventually. 

 

On the bright side, Lyft let me keep my car. 

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I am glad that lyft was understanding about the car. Hopefully you can get some rest

 

I would say just ignore your dad or tell him you need to rest after the whole hospital thing, but well, your dad. Hopefully he is working today so you can have some down time.

 

We will be here when you feel up to it. You have a pretty rough couple of days.

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11 hours ago, fleaball said:

I've been trying to make an update post all day but I am too fucking tired to put that many words together. Even though I'm 100% not virus-y anymore I'm still afraid of eating. My stomach is still wonky thanks to going about 60 hours without food and then trying to eat again, plus I missed a few doses of my acid reflux med and then they gave me a different one than I'm used to because they didn't keep mine in stock, and all of that is messing with me as well. So I'm tired, hungry, and cranky. And dealing with my father on top of everything else. Updates, replies, and a new thread coming in eventually. 

 

On the bright side, Lyft let me keep my car. 

 

Phew - that's a relief about the car!

 

Maybe something very gentle like some broth or oatmeal or toast would be ok to eat?

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This is going to sound Machiavellean and it is. Does your Dad have a history of getting so mad at you he won't speak to you for a while? Because if so it may be worth it to piss him off in a way that will lead to him ignoring you for a day or two. Of course, I doubt that will work, because I suspect he'd need something (or think he needs something) from you and the desire not to do something for himself would override his desire to give you the silent treatment. In any case, I thought I'd suggest it.

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18 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

Take it easy, it will take some time to fully recover.
And your dad can fuck off.
Hugs Flea

haha if only he would!

 

15 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I am glad that lyft was understanding about the car. Hopefully you can get some rest

 

I would say just ignore your dad or tell him you need to rest after the whole hospital thing, but well, your dad. Hopefully he is working today so you can have some down time.

 

We will be here when you feel up to it. You have a pretty rough couple of days.

He's been working, but I've been sleeping until right around the time when he comes home. Bad timing lol. 

 

13 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

Phew - that's a relief about the car!

 

Maybe something very gentle like some broth or oatmeal or toast would be ok to eat?

The thing is, I've eaten gentle things and also regular foods and been fine. It's all in my head, really. Or like, I feel slightly off because my meds got messed up and/or because my body is still asking for more food, but then I get worried because even though I know it's hungry stomach pain and not sick stomach pain, my brain is like "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE THAT, STOP IT!" But I ordered Chinese food earlier and I'm still alive, so I just need to get my shit together.

 

12 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

This is going to sound Machiavellean and it is. Does your Dad have a history of getting so mad at you he won't speak to you for a while? Because if so it may be worth it to piss him off in a way that will lead to him ignoring you for a day or two. Of course, I doubt that will work, because I suspect he'd need something (or think he needs something) from you and the desire not to do something for himself would override his desire to give you the silent treatment. In any case, I thought I'd suggest it.

God, if only. It would be a great suggestion for dealing with my brother, or even my mother, but not him. Because he inevitably comes back when he's too stupid to figure out basic shit. 

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Okay. Challenge recap. According to my spreadsheet I got 58% even after adjusting for the last few days of last week being a wash. Biggest failure was stretching. I just didn't do it. I'd half ass it sometimes and not count it. I'd remember it fairly often but put if off for later and just never get around to it; pinning it to getting up for more water lasted about a day and a half. It's really not surprising because my biggest failure in every challenge has always been anything with a physical component. Which is annoying, because even though diet is more effective than exercise for weight loss, I still need to move my ass. My heart rate needs to come down and busted joints need stretching and strengthening. I don't really know what my aversion is to physical activity though. I'll have to think about it. 

 

I haven't figured out all my goals for the next challenge yet. I have a couple in mind but not everything. Still going with the super baby steps route though. Minus the stretching, I think it really worked out this round. New thread tomorrow, I guess? 

 

On the good news front: my doctor isn't terribly concerned about the fatty liver thing. Obviously I'm disappointed that it got to this point, but when the ER doctors told me there was evidence of it they also told me it's reversible so there's that. ALSO. Who remembers me having a freakout two years ago because a CT scan showed a nodule on my lung? And last year when another appeared? I asked my doctor to check the one they did last week and she said there's no evidence of any nodules. I didn't know they could go away, but she said she saw the ones on last year's and "they must have resolved themselves." I'll take it.

 

On the "ugh, my family" front: had to go back to the couch store last night and pick a new one. It was a fucking process, but hopefully it should be over and done with now. (We just have to clean the fucking living room and find out how to get rid of the old one. Which is going to be a shitshow.) I've spent 3 hours today trying to get my father's taxes together and trying to wrangle my brother into giving a shit. I need one more thing from my father and then he's done (our tax lady has us upload them to the interwebs), I'm finishing mine off tonight, and my brother is going to hit me if I ask him about it one more time. Two out of three ain't bad, right? And then tomorrow I have the exquisite joy of going back to the bank with my father to try to pay off his stupid second mortgage again. He still can't find his ID, but he got a new debit card in the mail and they said he doesn't need an ID with that, so I'm crossing all my limbs that we get it done and I never have to deal with it again. 

 

Here's a weird thing I've noticed: my father gives me shit for not knowing certain things, like if I ask a car or house maintenance question he gets huffy and annoyed. (I think part of it is that he thinks I'm waiting for things to explode or something. And yes, I tend to freak out when things like the fucking shower leaking into the kitchen happen, but I think it's kind of warranted. Also he knows I have anxiety issues.) But then he also assumes I know a ton of shit that he doesn't but that also shouldn't affect me. Like in talking about taxes and paying off the second mortgage he's asking me about what's deductible and why people are complaining about getting smaller refunds or owing money, etc. Or he asks me about fitness and nutrition things. (Dismisses me on some fronts, usually when he doesn't like what I'm telling him, but also thinks I know more than I do.) It's just really weird how he thinks I know nothing, but I know everything; he refuses to see me as an adult, but also asks me all kinds of adulting questions. I know it comes down to him not bothering to learn how to adult himself, but it's weird how he flops between the two extremes depending on the subject and/or who needs what from whom. 

 

Also I'm actually excited about going shopping after therapy tomorrow. I've been dying for apples and bananas but unable to drag myself out of the house for them. But I'm going to make this black bean salad as my new recipe of the week, because I've been wanting to make it forfuckingever and also it's easy and doesn't even require cooking. It will be quick and healthy after I want to tear my hair out at the bank tomorrow. Huzzah.

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Okay, that salad looks interesting. I may have to try it since it looks like it might work in my "no microwave" lunch issue.

 

*facepalm* Your dad... At least his taxes are almost done and then the couch might be done. I would love to come tell your dad to grow up, but he isn't going to. And your brother is his own mess. You reminded him how many times, I think your brother is on his own at this point.

 

Do the challenge when you feel up to it. Maybe even talk to therapist about goals for this challenge. I totally think baby steps (especially after the week you had) is a good start. Maybe something as simple as Between episodes of whatever (streamed or what not) you get up and make yourself walk to the kitchen for more water.

 

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I’m buying stuff for two recipes... and the store just made an announcement that the EFT system is down and they can only take cash. Guess who doesn’t carry cash?

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Groceries acquired. Black bean salad is likely not happening tonight; it's 6pm and I just finished lunch. Shopping took longer than expected, then almost as soon as I got home and put away my food, my father came home and we went to get his stupid mortgage paid off. That took forever. Then we came back and I got distracted by tax stuff. Le sigh. 

 

Also forgot to say that my showering every day goal was a bust. I literally did not shower once on days where I didn't need to leave the house. But somehow just having it as a goal seemed to change my mindset? Almost as if having it on my to do list made it more of a "I could shower but I'm choosing not to for reasons" than a "I'm so miserable that I'm not going to do anything." So weird kind of bonus there, but not really what I was going for. 

 

10 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Okay, that salad looks interesting. I may have to try it since it looks like it might work in my "no microwave" lunch issue.

 

*facepalm* Your dad... At least his taxes are almost done and then the couch might be done. I would love to come tell your dad to grow up, but he isn't going to. And your brother is his own mess. You reminded him how many times, I think your brother is on his own at this point.

 

Do the challenge when you feel up to it. Maybe even talk to therapist about goals for this challenge. I totally think baby steps (especially after the week you had) is a good start. Maybe something as simple as Between episodes of whatever (streamed or what not) you get up and make yourself walk to the kitchen for more water.

 

I'll let you know how it is! I remember I bookmarked it forever ago because I was looking for quick & easy lunch ideas, and things that don't require cooking are bonus points lol. 

 

Couch should be done once we figure out how to get it out. But they said it'll take 6-9 weeks for it to get here so we've got time and I'm not bothering to even think about it for another week or two. My taxes are done, his are almost, and my brother's are like 80% done since all he needs to do is get and scan his W2. I should let him crash and burn on his own, but if she doesn't hear from him the tax lady will ask me about his stuff so I still have to deal with it one way or another. >> 

 

I did talk to her about it this morning! She suggested I not do any kind of activity goal whatsoever and see if anything changes when that's not hanging over my head. Like I can still do PT or yoga or anything else I want, but I don't have to worry about checking off that box. I think I've got the rest of my challenge nailed down and I'll probably post it tonight. I want to get my father's taxes done and dusted first so I never have to think about them again.

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13 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'll let you know how it is! I remember I bookmarked it forever ago because I was looking for quick & easy lunch ideas, and things that don't require cooking are bonus points lol. 

 

And that is the kind of thing I need. Plus I am realizing rapidly I don't ever get enough protein and maybe Beans will help?  I dunno.

 

13 hours ago, fleaball said:

Couch should be done once we figure out how to get it out. But they said it'll take 6-9 weeks for it to get here so we've got time and I'm not bothering to even think about it for another week or two. My taxes are done, his are almost, and my brother's are like 80% done since all he needs to do is get and scan his W2. I should let him crash and burn on his own, but if she doesn't hear from him the tax lady will ask me about his stuff so I still have to deal with it one way or another. >> 

 

Makes sense, Hopefully both can be taken care of quickly.

 

13 hours ago, fleaball said:

I did talk to her about it this morning! She suggested I not do any kind of activity goal whatsoever and see if anything changes when that's not hanging over my head. Like I can still do PT or yoga or anything else I want, but I don't have to worry about checking off that box. I think I've got the rest of my challenge nailed down and I'll probably post it tonight. I want to get my father's taxes done and dusted first so I never have to think about them again.

 

That sounds like a great idea. Hopefully this will make it easier to get some stuff done.

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