Tobbe becomes a Recovery Warrior

[Tobbe]

Intro

 

I was in a really dark place mentally

 

 

I've been fighting an eating disorder for a long time. I've been in treatment a year and a half, but my first attempt at controlling my weight started almost ten years ago. My treatment has been going up and down, but this last week I've really felt bad. I got truly desperate and enrolled in a super expensive online class to break through this plateau, or even backslide, in my treatment/recovery. 

 

So I signed up for The School of Recovery.

 

It's very much more holistic/spiritual than what I'd usually resonate with. I'm much more of a black and white person that believes in logical reasoning. Not higher powers, energy, auras or anything like that. Especially not card readings or horoscopes. So this is way out of my comfort zone.

 

But as Albert Einstein said

 

 

So I figured I had to open up to new ideas. To do what might feel uncomfortable. I need to change my thought patterns.

 

 

That's why I chose to become a Recovery Warrior with The School of Recovery

 

 

 

School starts on February 7th (tomorrow) with an orientation week. This class that I've signed up for lasts 8 weeks.

 

 

Goals

 

I will not set any traditional Nerd Fitness goals right now. No diet goals. No fitness goals. 

 

What I'll do instead is to focus on the homework, assignments and challenges they have us do in the School of Recovery classes. I will post the result of those things here in this thread to hopefully get some feedback on what I'm doing from you. Self-reflection is useful. But I've found it even more useful if someone else can look at it too and challenge my thoughts, or ask me to elaborate on them. Discussing the assignments is also useful for me, and something I wish to do with all of you!

[Jean]

4 hours ago, Tobbe said:

Not higher powers, energy, auras or anything like that.

 

I'm not one to believe in miracles and external esoteric forces but I do think there's power within us: conjuring powerful images/wordings can take us up or down. It's nice to have one's hand on the switch.

 

I wish you a good Fight and good Recovery.

[Tobbe]

25 minutes ago, Jean said:

I wish you a good Fight and good Recovery.

 

Thank you

[LittleTurtle]

9 hours ago, Tobbe said:

I will not set any traditional Nerd Fitness goals right now. No diet goals. No fitness goals. 

 

What I'll do instead is to focus on the homework, assignments and challenges they have us do in the School of Recovery classes. I will post the result of those things here in this thread to keep me accountable.

Love it!  Sometimes straying away from the traditional stuff is just what I need too!  Best of luck to you!!  

[Tobbe]

5 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

straying away from the traditional stuff is just what I need too!

 

Yes. I'm betting big on this thing being exactly what I need in my life right now. A new perspective. New ways to look at things.

 

5 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

Best of luck to you!

 

Thanks for your support

[Tobbe]

I talked to my wife yesterday. Telling her how miserable I feel in my daily grind. I really did try to reassure her that I do have things I truly look forward to, like this weekend that we will spend together, and the conference I'm going to this summer. But that my regular Monday - Fridays really suck. And that even if I try to disregard my eating disorder and only look at other areas of my life, like my job, our kids with their homework and activities, our house and all the chores and constant uphold required, that I really feel that it's all sad and boring. That I don't see any point in staying alive if this is how it's supposed to feel. And she got really sad and upset. She said that it felt like I didn't think that "we", as in her and the kids, ment anything to me. And while it's partly true for the kids, it certainly isn't true for my wife. She does mean a lot to me.

 

So I sent her this

 

 

And I promised her that things will get better. And I said that I really hoped and wished that she would stick around until I'm better, and until we can have a better life together.

 

Then I realized that it applies to all of you as well.

 

Thank you all for staying with me. Reading what I write when I moan and complain. Thank you all for the support you give me!

[Terah]

21 hours ago, Tobbe said:

I will post the result of those things here in this thread to hopefully get some feedback on what I'm doing from you. Self-reflection is useful.

I'm really curious as to what your assignments will be. 

 

6 hours ago, Tobbe said:

And she got really sad and upset.

It's tough when someone you love feels so badly. For me it would mean that all I want to do is help, and just the knowledge that nothing that I can do will be good enough would be devastating to me. I think this is just her feeling inadequate to help you. She wouldn't get so sad and upset if she didn't care about you.

I sounds like it's hard to deal with anyone else's problems besides the ones you have for yourself right now. Maybe you can make an intellectual effort to show her you love and appreciate her. You might not feel it right now on top of all that 's going on in your head, but it sounds like she needs it. Bring her some flowers without reason, tell her you love her, take the kids to the park for an hour so she can have some time for herself, stuff like that. Actions speak louder than words. 

And to be honest: that picture you posted can be interpreted by her as that she doesn't deserve your best if she's not willing to stick with you now (I'm sure you ment it the other way around). 

[Tobbe]

2 hours ago, Terah said:

I'm really curious as to what your assignments will be. 

 

Me too!  

 

2 hours ago, Terah said:

It's tough when someone you love feels so badly. For me it would mean that all I want to do is help, and just the knowledge that nothing that I can do will be good enough would be devastating to me. I think this is just her feeling inadequate to help you.

 

Yeah, maybe.

 

2 hours ago, Terah said:

She wouldn't get so sad and upset if she didn't care about you.

 

I really hope she does. It's been pretty chilly in our relationship today...

 

2 hours ago, Terah said:

I sounds like it's hard to deal with anyone else's problems besides the ones you have for yourself right now. Maybe you can make an intellectual effort to show her you love and appreciate her. You might not feel it right now on top of all that 's going on in your head, but it sounds like she needs it.

 

I do feel I love her. And I loved her even more when she let me join this class.

 

2 hours ago, Terah said:

Bring her some flowers without reason, tell her you love her, take the kids to the park for an hour so she can have some time for herself, stuff like that. Actions speak louder than words. 

 

I have some nice things planned for the two of us this weekend. I really hope she will appreciate it   

 

2 hours ago, Terah said:

And to be honest: that picture you posted can be interpreted by her as that she doesn't deserve your best if she's not willing to stick with you now (I'm sure you ment it the other way around). 

 

What I wanted to say was that I love her for staying with me, even when I have bad days. And that it will get better. And that I think we will have a great time together when I do get better.

[Mad Hatter]

Reaching out for help and expanding your comfort zone is such a big step. I really hope that this program will work out for you and give you a fresh perspective on things. It's so easy for analytical, sciency people to completely disregard and make fun of the twoo woo, but I think if we can put our prejudice aside (SO hard!) there might be a lot to discover behind the fluffy words. Good for you for opening up to the possibility.

 

Stay strong!

[Terah]

41 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

I have some nice things planned for the two of us this weekend. I really hope she will appreciate it

I'm sure she will <3 

I think it's great that you're so open to her, that's not always easy. 

 

You'll get through this, you are working so hard for it! 

[Tobbe]

38 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Stay strong!

 

I'm doing my best! But, damn, it's difficult at time!

 

24 minutes ago, Terah said:

You'll get through this, you are working so hard for it!

 

Yes, but hopefully not at the expense of my relationship with my wife. She says she understands that I need to spend time on this, both here and with The School of Recovery. But I can tell she's struggling with it. That she wishes that I spent more time with her and the kids.

[Jean]

10 hours ago, Tobbe said:

Thank you all for staying with me. Reading what I write when I moan and complain. Thank you all for the support you give me!

 

Right back atcha'! Thanks for being so supportive and open and for the examples you set.

 

3 hours ago, Terah said:

It's tough when someone you love feels so badly. For me it would mean that all I want to do is help, and just the knowledge that nothing that I can do will be good enough would be devastating to me. I think this is just her feeling inadequate to help you. She wouldn't get so sad and upset if she didn't care about you.

 

This. It's the feedback I've had from one of my exes when I was hard to reach during some of the darkest part of my life so far: what was difficult wasn't that I was hard to reach, it was the feeling of helplessness she had, feeling that she couldn't do anything for me while, in fact, letting me alone for a while so that I would recover was the biggest help I could have received at the time.

 

The thing is, it was hard for me to take upon myself to make it look like she could help me when things were already going bad and draining all my energy and all I really only wanted was to be temporarily let to myself so that I could use my resources to improve the situation rather than to just make it look like things were going well so that she wouldn't feel helpless. It's... a pretty difficult conundrum. Take care of yourself.

 

10 hours ago, Tobbe said:

But that my regular Monday - Fridays really suck. And that even if I try to disregard my eating disorder and only look at other areas of my life, like my job, our kids with their homework and activities, our house and all the chores and constant uphold required, that I really feel that it's all sad and boring.

 

Pretty tough indeed. I spend a lot of time wondering what truly gives sense to my life. I haven't come with an answer yet. It seems to revolve around overpowering the tiredness that comes with the daily chores to still have energy to do awesome things on the side. Basically, behing superhuman. Being superhuman brings sense to life. You're way wiser than me if you can make any sense of any of this. Going on and being happy no matter what happens is my way of doing it. It requires practice but it's quite nice once you get used to it.

 

[Tobbe]

Ohh! Exciting! Just got my first email  

 

Quote

Happy day, Tobbe!

Today marks the beginning of your 8 week adventure through the School of Recovery!

Orientation Week is designed to ease you into the program.

It's a time period for you to connect with your classmates and familiarize yourself with all the resources you'll be using. 

One very important thing I want you to keep in mind and take to heart is progress not perfection. 

Black and white (all-or-nothing thinking) NEEDS to be challenged and I want you to use this experience as an opportunity to do so.

First Step: Click here to watch a video on getting set up in our Community Portal.

(link to video removed by me)

[Tobbe]

Ohh! This really spoke to me!

 

1. Eating disorders give you a (false) sense of control

2. They numb your pain

3. Eating disorders prey on low self-worth

 

https://www.recoverywarriors.com/3-reasons-eating-disorder-food

 

 

[Tobbe]

12 minutes ago, Jean said:

The thing is, it was hard for me to take upon myself to make it look like she could help me when things were already going bad and draining all my energy and all I really only wanted was to be temporarily let to myself so that I could use my resources to improve the situation rather than to just make it look like things were going well so that she wouldn't feel helpless. It's... a pretty difficult conundrum. Take care of yourself.

 

I struggle with this as well. How much should I "pretend" in order to make her happy, or at least not sad?

[Jean]

Do you see a cousellor? That's the kind of things worth an outside person taking a look at to enlighten you as to whether you should rather focus your energy on getting better, at the risk of affecting your relationship with your closed ones, or devote some of your willpower toward giving your wife what she needs at the expense of your ability to handle your own situation by yourself.

 

It's really hard to ask a person in need of recovery to think of how their state affects their closed ones and focus on that when they are already fighting to recover. It adds difficulty to something already very difficult and, right now, you probably don't need it. But whether you need it or not, it's there and it's probably tough to find a good option among the bad ones. An outside, experienced, professionnal and neutral vision might help.

[Mad Hatter]

8 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

I struggle with this as well. How much should I "pretend" in order to make her happy, or at least not sad?

Personally I find pretending such an enormous drain on energy in my low periods it's not worth it. It's better to use whatever little energy I have on recovery. And honestly it doesn't matter how hard you try, this is a person that you live with and intimately know, she's not going to fall for it. At least that's my experience. I think simply telling her that you love her and make her understand that it's not her fault will go a long way. But it's really hard. For me I also always feel so very guilty for not being there for others and that I'm bringing them down, which doesn't help at all, but it is what it is.

[Jett]

10 hours ago, Tobbe said:

I talked to my wife yesterday. Telling her how miserable I feel in my daily grind. I really did try to reassure her that I do have things I truly look forward to, like this weekend that we will spend together, and the conference I'm going to this summer. But that my regular Monday - Fridays really suck. And that even if I try to disregard my eating disorder and only look at other areas of my life, like my job, our kids with their homework and activities, our house and all the chores and constant uphold required, that I really feel that it's all sad and boring. That I don't see any point in staying alive if this is how it's supposed to feel. And she got really sad and upset. She said that it felt like I didn't think that "we", as in her and the kids, ment anything to me. And while it's partly true for the kids, it certainly isn't true for my wife. She does mean a lot to me.

 

It definitely sounds like there's more going on than just the ED struggle, even though that may be where all the attention is focused right now. What you're describing sounds exactly like depression. Do you/have you considered taking an anti-depressant? Lifestyle changes and counseling can help, but sometimes a medication to chemically balance out your brain can really help with getting out of a slump. It doesn't have to be a "forever" thing, but a few months on an anti-depressant might make dealing with the eating disorder a lot easier.

 

And I don't mean to call you out, but the last part of your post really makes me sad. I grew up with a father who was disinterested in my life, and sometimes it really did feel like he didn't care about me. That's been a source of a lot of hurt for me that tbh, I'm probably still not healed from. Your kids need you in their lives!

 

30 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

How much should I "pretend" in order to make her happy, or at least not sad?

 

My wife went through a very low point about two years into our marriage. I could tell she was depressed, but I didn't really know how bad it was. One day, I found her journal by the bedside, and being nosy*, I flipped to a recent entry. I was horrified to read that she was suicidal almost every day, and had come close to killing herself a few times. That particular entry was about how visiting my parents, and my mom in particular, always made her feel particularly suicidal. And it was because my mom would always bring up that she didn't have a job, or say other things to cut into her self esteem.

 

I really wish I'd known more about what she was going through at that time, and especially wish she would have told me how much visiting my parents was hurting her. I would have stopped the visits much sooner! And I don't know how much I could have helped with the suicidal feelings, but at the very least, I wish she had been open about them. I'm glad you talked to your wife about how you were feeling! And I hope you continue to do that, and don't pretend that things are okay when they aren't. For me, finding out that my wife had been hiding such huge things from me damaged my trust in her a bit. We're getting past that now, but it just added one more difficult thing to an already difficult situation.

 

*I probably should have respected her privacy, but the past is what it is...

[Tobbe]

School has started, and I'm working on my first task!

 

 

I will find my way out of this!

[Dragonwolf]

7 hours ago, Terah said:

For me it would mean that all I want to do is help, and just the knowledge that nothing that I can do will be good enough would be devastating to me. I think this is just her feeling inadequate to help you. She wouldn't get so sad and upset if she didn't care about you.

 

I am that SO in my current situation and I can attest to its devastation. And yes, it comes from deeply caring about a person and the feeling of total inadequacy.

 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Personally I find pretending such an enormous drain on energy in my low periods it's not worth it. It's better to use whatever little energy I have on recovery. And honestly it doesn't matter how hard you try, this is a person that you live with and intimately know, she's not going to fall for it. At least that's my experience. I think simply telling her that you love her and make her understand that it's not her fault will go a long way.

 

I second this. Trying to pretend just makes things worse, because even if you are as good at it as you think you are (and you're probably not), they'll see through it, because they know you. It can also be dangerous to do so, as you need someone right now looking out for your wellbeing and to be able to call for help if/when needed.

 

2 hours ago, Jett said:

It definitely sounds like there's more going on than just the ED struggle, even though that may be where all the attention is focused right now. What you're describing sounds exactly like depression.

 

I second this, and I don't find it surprising, really. As I understand it, EDs and Depression very often go hand in hand.

 

3 hours ago, Jean said:

Do you see a cousellor? That's the kind of things worth an outside person taking a look at to enlighten you as to whether you should rather focus your energy on getting better, at the risk of affecting your relationship with your closed ones, or devote some of your willpower toward giving your wife what she needs at the expense of your ability to handle your own situation by yourself.

 

What we've been finding most beneficial right now is therapy for both of us. My SO gets the specific mental health help he needs from the people qualified to give it to him, and I get someone who will listen to me, that I can vent to and "lighten my load" as it were (we use the same therapist, so she's got the full context of things).

[Tobbe]

3 hours ago, Jean said:

Do you see a cousellor?

 

Yes, I do. If it's still relevant next time I see her I'll ask her about it

[Tobbe]

3 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Personally I find pretending such an enormous drain on energy in my low periods it's not worth it. It's better to use whatever little energy I have on recovery. And honestly it doesn't matter how hard you try, this is a person that you live with and intimately know, she's not going to fall for it. At least that's my experience. I think simply telling her that you love her and make her understand that it's not her fault will go a long way. But it's really hard. For me I also always feel so very guilty for not being there for others and that I'm bringing them down, which doesn't help at all, but it is what it is.

 

Reading your reply, and what everyone seems to be saying too, is that I'm making the right choice in not pretending. Thank you all for that

[Tobbe]

2 hours ago, Jett said:

Do you/have you considered taking an anti-depressant?

 

I've never taken any anti-depressant, and I don't want to. I'm scared of the side effects. My ED therapist has brought it up, but I declined the offer. But I know that if I want to go down that path it's always a possibility.

 

2 hours ago, Jett said:

And I don't mean to call you out, but the last part of your post really makes me sad. I grew up with a father who was disinterested in my life, and sometimes it really did feel like he didn't care about me. That's been a source of a lot of hurt for me that tbh, I'm probably still not healed from. Your kids need you in their lives!

 

The kids, and my feelings towards them, has always been a struggle for me. When we got our first boy and I was home alone taking care of him I sometimes just sat at the floor crying to myself for not being able to love him as a father is supposed to love his kids.

 

With our daughter, who is only weeks old still, I told my wife straight out that I didn't want her to keep the baby, but ultimately we decided that it was going to be a gift from me to her, to let her have one more baby. We also agreed that she would take care of our girl, and that I only had to take her as much as I felt comfortable with, and that the extra child shouldn't ever stop me from doing what I want to do.

 

30 minutes ago, Dragonwolf said:

What we've been finding most beneficial right now is therapy for both of us. My SO gets the specific mental health help he needs from the people qualified to give it to him, and I get someone who will listen to me, that I can vent to and "lighten my load" as it were (we use the same therapist, so she's got the full context of things).

 

I've tried to make my wife go talk to someone, but she refuses. And I can't force her. But I do think it would be good for both of us if she also could have someone to talk to.

[Tobbe]

First task in class was to introduce ourselves by saying our names, where we're from, and what our favorite quote is, and why. I'll just copy/paste my answer.

 

Quote

Hello! My name is Tobbe, and I'm from  Sweden. I've never been one to care much for quotes or motivational texts. So I don't know any quotes by heart. But then I saw the quotes you get when you enter a meal in the Rise Up app, and they really calmed me down. Also reading the quotes on the RecoveryWarriors instagram has helped me the last couple of days. So maybe there is something to those inspirational and motivational texts and quotes after all! What I do like though is to listen to music. So I have this line from a favorite song of mine "If you don't live for something, You'll die for nothing." - Hatebreed (the song is Live For This). It reminds me to keep fighting. And to find something to fight for. That we're supposed to do what we're really passionate about. Not settle for anything less than the greatest we can be!

 

Second task was to write three things we're grateful for, and one thing we wanted to celebrate.

 

Quote

1.) My wife who let me spend this kind of money on myself in order to heal
2.) Working from home so that I can more freely decide how to spend my time
3.) Having enough food on the table every day for the entire family
Celebrating: School of Recovery is finally starting!

 

One thing we'll do later this week is try our hands (heads?) on meditating. I've never done that before! @Mad Hatter IIRC you recently got (back?) into meditating. Any beginner resources you can recommend? Anyone else have any n00b tips to share?

[Dragonwolf]

14 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

Anyone else have any n00b tips to share?

 

Don't expect to get into the stereotypical meditative state right away. Odds are very good that you'll have trouble the first few times with keeping your mind calm for more than a few dozen seconds, let alone getting deep into any kind of trance/semi-conscious state. Don't give up. Just like with physical exercise programs, you'll slowly build and before you know it, you'll be able to do it for however long you want to.

 

You probably didn't start being able to do pull-ups/muscle-ups. Think of the deep meditative states as muscle-ups for your mind.