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fleaball

Flea Hates Everything

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My father pitched a massive screaming fit because he dropped his entire bottle of vitamins and it spilled all over the floor because he never puts the cap back on. 

 

Then he tried to vacuum up the mess and started screaming again because the vacuum wasn’t working properly. 

 

So the man of the house (ie Flea) had to google the manual for the vacuum because of course our copy is MIA, take apart all of the pieces, and then determine it can’t be fixed at the moment because the bag hasn’t been changed in EIGHTEEN MONTHS and we don’t know where the new ones are to see if that’s the problem. 

 

So glad my allergy medication is the 24-hour kind because god knows what I spent the last half hour breathing in.  

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I'm not doing so well on the challenge front in terms of sticking to the second batch of goals. Buuut I'm still doing things that are chasing off the depression so overall I'm taking the win even though the challenge is kind of a fail. I know there's still a week left and I can focus on hitting my goals, but it feels like it doesn't really matter. 

 

I've been getting anxious lately because I'm not doing anything. Which is super fun because then I get even more anxious about it and then get too anxious to do anything at all. like right now I'm antsy about the fact that I've spent most of the day watching Lucifer. I have one episode left and I can't actually bring myself to watch it because I feel like I should be doing literally anything else. So I grabbed a book but I can't focus on reading it; grabbed my journal to try to write away some of the anxiety, can't actually get anything on the paper; did some Spanish lessons in Duolingo and started berating myself for "wasting time" doing that when I could be doing something more productive, and also felt like I should be working on Arabic even though I've long since come to the conclusion that while I love Arabic it's not worth the effort on either a personal or professional level; I started cleaning more but had to put everything back where I found it instead of where it belongs because I just got overwhelmed and froze; tried looking for jobs and just got even more anxious. I just feel super tense and like I'm going to vibrate right out of my skin. I've tried meditating and controlling my breathing and it works right up until I stop doing it. This is stupid. Literally everything I can think of to make this go away is entirely useless. I even went for a fucking walk but all that did was jack up my heart rate even more without actually solving anything. My brain is a dick.

 

In other news, my father constantly plugs the vacuum into a particular outlet in the kitchen that always trips the circuit breaker. He did it again yesterday before just plugging it in elsewhere. I told him no fewer than 4 times to see if the thing flipped and to fix it and he kept saying he would. Surprising no one, he didn't do it. So this morning he tried to make a waffle in the toaster oven and couldn't figure out why it didn't cook. He didn't realize the thing wasn't fucking on. Idk if he ate the waffle cold or what, but he's a fucking idiot.

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On 5/11/2019 at 6:16 PM, fleaball said:

I'm not doing so well on the challenge front in terms of sticking to the second batch of goals. Buuut I'm still doing things that are chasing off the depression so overall I'm taking the win even though the challenge is kind of a fail. I know there's still a week left and I can focus on hitting my goals, but it feels like it doesn't really matter. 

I feel like sometimes, this is how challenges go. Sounds like a win in my book, even if it didn't line up with your challenge goals.

 

Every time I hear about your father, it really just blows my mind. Like how can a person be like this. 

 

Hopefully, this week goes well. 

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9 hours ago, Tateman said:

I feel like sometimes, this is how challenges go. Sounds like a win in my book, even if it didn't line up with your challenge goals.

 

Every time I hear about your father, it really just blows my mind. Like how can a person be like this. 

 

Hopefully, this week goes well. 

Honestly he blows my mind too. I think I know what to expect after 30 years and then he goes and hits a new level of ridiculous. I'm still waiting for someone to jump out and tell me this has all been a super elaborate prank.

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Late night musings: I'm at the point now where I'm basically second guessing everything I remember about my mother and wondering what her motivations were. I genuinely don't think she was intentionally malicious, in the sense that she didn't set out to do or say shitty things for the sole purpose of being hurtful so much as she was just a narcissist and therefore just did/said whatever she felt like without considering anyone else. Which doesn't actually absolve her of anything and actually kinda makes it worse but that's not the point I'm trying to make right now so it can wait. 

 

The biggest thing I'm wondering about right now is a research study I participated in when I was in 8th grade (13 or 14 years old). My aunt is a nurse at one of the hospitals in town and told my parents about a study that was testing a new kind of laser to remove port wine stains. I participated and got to keep the money from it, so there's that. But I don't remember whether I was really even consulted about doing it or if it was my mother's decision. I'm leaning toward the latter because I'm 110% sure I never had an issue with my birthmarks even as a kid. I've got a weird splotchy dark patch above my right eyebrow that I think has actually gotten darker as I've gotten older but I know it never bothered me when I was younger either, and it's always been noticeable. It's also really annoying when I want to get my eyebrows done because people don't believe me that it's okay to wax over. I've also got a birthmark running over my left foot and up the back of that leg from the tip of my pinky toe to the top of my hip. Apparently when I was a baby it was super red and covered my whole leg, because several family members have told me stories of getting dirty looks and/or an accusatory "oh, what happened to the baby?!" from strangers while out and about with me. It's gotten a lot lighter as I've gotten older and it's broken up so it's in lots of chunks now. Kind of like the splotches on cows. The only time I ever cared about that one was the first gym class of every year in grade school, when various classmates would ask me about it like they hadn't seen it during every gym class for years. And that was definitely more annoyance than actual caring about it. 

 

Super obvious above my eyebrow in the first photo. Second photo included because I thought it was easier to see than it is, but I just love this photo because it shows that I'd already run out of fucks to give at 10 years old. Pretty sure I posted it a few years ago?

Spoiler

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The only photo I have of my leg, featuring a giant bruise from when I got a fence thrown at me in Morocco. Huge red splotch in the center is the injury, but the light reddish purple to the left and slightly down from it is birthmark, as are the blurry dark spots in the right side of the photo.

Spoiler

1917731_694959678326_3311758_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ht=scontent.fbed1-2.fna&oh=04a4d3f8615dec94c8675c222329e163&oe=5D767BF1

 

 

Aaaaaanyway. So I did this study. Ultimately at the first appointment the people running the study of course asked me whether I wanted to participate or not and I obviously did or I wouldn't have a story to tell right now. But I really think the whole thing came about as something like "hey there's this study your aunt told us about, let's go do it." I may have been enticed by the monetary compensation, which was a few hundred dollars after something like 5 visits and was pretty substantial amount of money at that age. I just keep questioning it now because even if the thing had worked successfully on me, I wouldn't have gotten them removed anyway. I just didn't give a shit. (Eyebrow one was too small an area, they thought, and the leg one was too light and spaced out for it to have an effect. Although it did work for permanent hair removal, so there's at least one spot I never have to worry about.) The staff seemed almost apologetic to me that it didn't do anything by the time it was over and were telling me and my mother that I could always cover the eyebrow one with makeup so it wasn't noticeable at all. I remember even then thinking "okay but why? that's so much effort? and it doesn't even bother me." So I definitely didn't go in thinking "ooh yay, maybe this will get rid of this thing I've hated forever!" 

 

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter whether my mother made the decision or I did. It just bothers me that now I'm questioning it, and that she was such a shitty person that now I have to wonder about everything like this. I don't know whether my birthmarks bothered her at all, and it never occurred to me to wonder about it. Otoh, she was pushing for me to have a breast reduction for at least 5 years before I actually did, and I was 24 when I did. (Honestly I totally would have done it sooner but for some reason assumed insurance wouldn't cover it.) So I know that bothered her, but I don't know whether it was concern for my health/appearance or just some weird puritanical "oh no, boobs!" thing. It's conceivable that she wanted at least the eyebrow birthmark gone for reasons, but ‾\_(ツ)_/‾. 

 

 

For the record: yes, shitty people DO assume that I had an eyebrow piercing and karma permanently disfigured me by way of an infection. :rolleyes: 

 

Also: that school photo is my current facebook photo. If facebook tells you to add me because we have mutual friends, go for it. 

 

edit: lawl, I completely forgot there are some small spots on the front of my left thigh as well. So you can tell exactly how much attention I pay to this thing. Also I'm 99% sure that laser is used on these things now so the study was successful, just not on me. Even the go-to laser at the time, which was used as a control, didn't work on either of mine.

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It’s 7:15 am and I haven’t fallen asleep yet. Please join me in waving goodbye to all of the plans I had for today. 

 

I really thought I was past this shit.  

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4 hours ago, fleaball said:

I genuinely don't think she was intentionally malicious, in the sense that she didn't set out to do or say shitty things for the sole purpose of being hurtful so much as she was just a narcissist and therefore just did/said whatever she felt like without considering anyone else.

I can relate to what you are saying. I came to the conclusion some time ago that my mother acted to the best of her capacity. It doesn't make what happened right, but it does seem help with the healing.

 

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

It’s 7:15 am and I haven’t fallen asleep yet. Please join me in waving goodbye to all of the plans I had for today. 

 

I hope you at least get some rest. 

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6 hours ago, fleaball said:

It’s 7:15 am and I haven’t fallen asleep yet. Please join me in waving goodbye to all of the plans I had for today. 

 

I really thought I was past this shit.  

Yup, I have random times where I do this kind of thing too. Last week, I was pretty bad with staying up way later then I wanted to. Hopefully, you can get some rest

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Brb driving my car off a fucking bridge. 

 

Fought with the GI office to let me see someone else since the guy I’d been seeing was a douche. Finally got them to switch me, had an appointment today with a new guy. Who is also a douche. Where the first guy would answer my questions in a long-winded science lecture, this guy didn’t want to answer any questions at all. He wasn’t interested in anything I had to say. All he wanted to do was tell me to lose weight. I straight up even said I have mental health issues that complicate my progress and I’m working with a therapist but it’s slow going and he literally said “well you better put some pressure on it then.” Then told me I’m a candidate for weight loss surgery and looked pissy when I said absolutely not. (I’m 275. I know that’s not great but Jesus.) I even started the appointment saying “I know the solution to most of my problems is ‘stop being fat’ but I have questions beyond that.” And he just stuck with “stop being fat.” The good news is apparently the fatty liver issue is not actually an issue so long as I lose weight. I asked if there were specific diet things to change since I’d read that simple carbs are bad, and he just said no, eat less in general. Cool. Thanks. 

 

This is all on top of him being 45 minutes late for my appointment because he was on the phone with contractors working on his house?

 

if I ever need to see a GI for anything again I’m finding someone outside of this hospital system because fuck that. 

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Damn wtf. I had seen an article that talk about these issues. Like a lot of doctors harp on the "just lose weight" mentality, and not actually helping the patient. Like Hello, I know I am fat already, I don't need to hear you harp over and over about it.

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1 hour ago, fleaball said:

if I ever need to see a GI for anything again I’m finding someone outside of this hospital system because fuck that. 

Yeah. One douche in the office is bad, but two in a row is a real problem with that office. 

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1 hour ago, Tateman said:

Damn wtf. I had seen an article that talk about these issues. Like a lot of doctors harp on the "just lose weight" mentality, and not actually helping the patient. Like Hello, I know I am fat already, I don't need to hear you harp over and over about it.

Seriously. I know I'm fat, I know most of my issues are exacerbated by being fat, but let's pretend for a second, doctor that I've never seen before and who knows nothing about me whatsoever, that several of these issues started when I was at least eighty-five pounds lighter than I am now and I'm here to ask you whether I'll have long-term damage as a result?

 

Dude didn't even ask me if I have a plan to lose weight. Doesn't know that I've done a Spartan race and want to do more. Doesn't know that I really enjoy running and am currently working on getting my repeatedly sprained ankle back in shape to start again. Doesn't know that I would legitimately love to get back to eating a vegan diet for reasons that don't even have anything to do with weight loss but currently can't because I literally cry when I have to go grocery shopping sometimes. 

 

I wasn't mad the first time he said that I should lose weight and that's the best "treatment" for what's bothering me. I got mad when he just kept repeating himself and dismissing anything I said that wasn't "yes sir, right away sir." 

 

He also made a face when he asked what I do for work and I said I currently do Lyft while looking for a real job. Bitch, I have 3 degrees and speak as many languages. You can fuck right off.

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Seriously. I know I'm fat, I know most of my issues are exacerbated by being fat, but let's pretend for a second, doctor that I've never seen before and who knows nothing about me whatsoever, that several of these issues started when I was at least eighty-five pounds lighter than I am now and I'm here to ask you whether I'll have long-term damage as a result?
 
Dude didn't even ask me if I have a plan to lose weight. Doesn't know that I've done a Spartan race and want to do more. Doesn't know that I really enjoy running and am currently working on getting my repeatedly sprained ankle back in shape to start again. Doesn't know that I would legitimately love to get back to eating a vegan diet for reasons that don't even have anything to do with weight loss but currently can't because I literally cry when I have to go grocery shopping sometimes. 
 
I wasn't mad the first time he said that I should lose weight and that's the best "treatment" for what's bothering me. I got mad when he just kept repeating himself and dismissing anything I said that wasn't "yes sir, right away sir." 
 
He also made a face when he asked what I do for work and I said I currently do Lyft while looking for a real job. Bitch, I have 3 degrees and speak as many languages. You can fuck right off.
What a bad person! There are many doctors like that and they are not good in their job.
Correlation doesn't mean causation. Many issue also cause weight gain (hormonal, mental etc.) and this fat blaming really enrages me. Also this dude needs a bit of humanity, why did he think judging you for your job was a good idea?!?
Also... how tall are you (if I may ask)? the pics you sent you seemed so skinny I lhought you were underweight! You probably are a giant!
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1 hour ago, Diadhuit said:

What a bad person! There are many doctors like that and they are not good in their job.
Correlation doesn't mean causation. Many issue also cause weight gain (hormonal, mental etc.) and this fat blaming really enrages me. Also this dude needs a bit of humanity, why did he think judging you for your job was a good idea?!?
Also... how tall are you (if I may ask)? the pics you sent you seemed so skinny I lhought you were underweight! You probably are a giant!

Honestly! I have PCOS and I’m on Zoloft, which causes weight gain in some people (l didn’t, thankfully, but he doesn’t know that). Dude sucks. 

 

I’m 5’7”. Currently 275ish, the photo with the Santa hat I was like 220 maybe. Profile picture I was maybe 160-170? Definitely aiming to get back there. 

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Honestly! I have PCOS and I’m on Zoloft, which causes weight gain in some people (l didn’t, thankfully, but he doesn’t know that). Dude sucks. 
 
I’m 5’7”. Currently 275ish, the photo with the Santa hat I was like 220 maybe. Profile picture I was maybe 160-170? Definitely aiming to get back there. 


Honestly! I have PCOS and I’m on Zoloft, which causes weight gain in some people (l didn’t, thankfully, but he doesn’t know that). Dude sucks. 
 
I’m 5’7”. Currently 275ish, the photo with the Santa hat I was like 220 maybe. Profile picture I was maybe 160-170? Definitely aiming to get back there. 


Yeah, it's a good goal to have, mine is similar.
Yet, weight is not everything and dude sucks badly if he doesn't consider all the factors.
My weight is all concentrated on my belly for PCOS and stress. I lose at least 5kg (11 pounds) each time I get my period or I have less stress (paradoxically, changing job is a low stress level for me). I imagine it is similar for you: cut yourself some slack if you can and the doctor is so bad at his job!
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25 minutes ago, Diadhuit said:

 

 

 


Yeah, it's a good goal to have, mine is similar.
Yet, weight is not everything and dude sucks badly if he doesn't consider all the factors.
My weight is all concentrated on my belly for PCOS and stress. I lose at least 5kg (11 pounds) each time I get my period or I have less stress (paradoxically, changing job is a low stress level for me). I imagine it is similar for you: cut yourself some slack if you can and the doctor is so bad at his job!

 

 

 

Omfg yes I carry all my weight in my stomach too. istg I look like I’m pregnant half the time. Ugh. 

 

Luckily when shitty doctors are shitty like this I don’t take it personally. I’m not hurt or offended by it, I’m just totally pissed off that this is how he treats people. Especially because like, I’ve been trying to focus on my health for years and I’ve been reading articles and doing research and stuff, so I understand what a lot of this means, plus one of the few areas in my life where I am consistently assertive is health/medicine, so if I want answers I will get them from somewhere/someone else if necessary. So his lack of instructions and advice don’t really impact me very much. But someone else who goes in with a referral from their GP for worrisome blood tests or something and isn’t sure what’s going on and is just told to “lose weight and it will all go away” might walk out with no direction. My father is like this - he’ll come home from a regular appointment and be like “yeah they said I should do this thing” but not be able to tell me why or how or what the guidelines are because they didn’t say and he didn’t ask. In his case it’s because he’s an idiot, but I know there are people who just take what doctors say as law and don’t question things or push issues. 

 

Also I cannot fucking believe this asshole thought it was reasonable to suggest weight loss surgery for a hundred fucking pounds. There are so many things wrong with that. 

 

Apparently I'm really mad since I’m rant so much. Yikes.

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4 hours ago, fleaball said:

 

Apparently I'm really mad since I’m rant so much. Yikes.

 

I think mad is probably the best possible reaction to this. Hell, I'm mad about it and I wasn't even there.

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Ugh, I'm sorry you dealt with all that, Flea. I have very much the same issues with doctors. I wish it wasn't part for the course for so many people, especially women. My doctors never believe I've been doing what they told me to and a few months ago a doctor referred me to a weight loss surgeon without telling me that's what she was referring me to even after I said surgery wasn't something I wanted. So I filled out 15 pages of paperwork for nothing. (I wasn't even eligible - I'm 5'5" and was like 210 or something at most at the time.)

I hope you can find someone who treats you with respect. They do exist, they're just few and far between...

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20 hours ago, fleaball said:

if I ever need to see a GI for anything again I’m finding someone outside of this hospital system because fuck that. 

 

I'd reach out to the Office / Practice Manager and complain. For real. Here's the deal, if you've had two shitty doctors, chances are tons of other people have had the same or similar experiences and that is horrible. And a lot of times, people just don't go back instead of voicing their reasons and doctors need to realize that this is not okay.

 

FWIW, my husband was dealing with a horrible GI for a while, but has finally found one he likes. So they do exist (at least in limited quantities). 

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36 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

FWIW, my husband was dealing with a horrible GI for a while, but has finally found one he likes. So they do exist (at least in limited quantities). 

 

I was wondering! My sister has chronic heartburn and lives on Prilosec and the GI she talked to was just like "don't eat tomatoes."

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15 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

I was wondering! My sister has chronic heartburn and lives on Prilosec and the GI she talked to was just like "don't eat tomatoes."

 

I mean, to be fair, my husband still gets the, "this might resolve itself if you lose weight" talk. But the big deal is the IF. His current GI is much more open to the idea that this will be a continuing problem even if he lost the weight.

 

He's also gotten a few tests done to make sure that the acid reflux isn't causing any lasting issues. 

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Before I was diagnosed, the PCP I had sent me to a GI rather than just give me the blood test I asked for, and that GI actually said if he had been allowed to he'd have tested my thyroid because that's what it sounded like was the problem. Because, you know, he listened. They're there! I've just had way more negative than positive interactions in the last 10 years.

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HELP THERE WAS A SPIDER ON THE CEILING ABOVE MY BED AND I LOOKED AWAY FOR TWO SECONDS AND NOW IT’S GONE. 

 

I hate spiders y’all. Haaaaaate. Cannot deal. I’m gonna have a bitch of a time getting back to sleep because every random itch or tickle is going to make me panic that it’s in my bed. Fuck. I asked my brother to kill it for me but he ignored me because instead of mellowing out after smoking he just becomes an even bigger asshole. I’ll just have to hope Fat Kitty gets it if it comes anywhere near us. 

 

While I'm here, sorry for being MIA. I’ve been driving a ton since Thursday to get some bonuses since they hardly ever get offered anymore. And then I come home and faceplant in my bed because people-ing for that long is exhausting. 

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On 5/17/2019 at 11:07 AM, Sylvaa said:

I'd reach out to the Office / Practice Manager and complain. For real. Here's the deal, if you've had two shitty doctors, chances are tons of other people have had the same or similar experiences and that is horrible. And a lot of times, people just don't go back instead of voicing their reasons and doctors need to realize that this is not okay.

 

FWIW, my husband was dealing with a horrible GI for a while, but has finally found one he likes. So they do exist (at least in limited quantities). 

I'm waffling on this one tbh. Largely because of my fear of repercussions. (Thanks, Mom!) I'll talk with my therapist about it Wednesday I guess. Like, I know you're right. Because this was 100% bullshit. But I also don't want it to seem like I'm just lashing out because the mean old doctor told me I'm fat. And don't want to wind up being labeled a difficult patient or something even though I don't want to go back there anyway. The only way to see a different doctor in the office/maybe in the entire hospital system? is to be referred by the person you're currently seeing. But I'd worry about it coming back to bite me in the ass. 

 

On 5/17/2019 at 12:46 PM, Sylvaa said:

He's also gotten a few tests done to make sure that the acid reflux isn't causing any lasting issues. 

This is the thing that scares me. I asked the doctor about it last week and he completely brushed me off despite my having it for at least 3 years now. 

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