• Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

Bean Sidhe

Bean Si Vs. Chaos – Just Survive

Recommended Posts

39356520_972385756279656_759168811828615

 

So here is the deal. I was doing fairly well last challenge. I was doing stuff and starting to feel good about it. Then, some stuff hit and at the end of last challenge, I fell down. Some of it affected me directly, some of it made me feel like the world was a mess. I felt down hard. I seriously just wanted to give up, and I sort of did. I stopped working on just about everything. I went to doing barest of minimums and even that didn't go well or was half done. I stopped coming here. I stopped thinking that it mattered or anyone cared.

yt_Z1BCujX3pw8__marvel_studios__captain_

 

Anyway, I just want to move on. All the stuff thrown my way has my anxiety and depression in high gear. I don’t want to do my homework, I don’t want to do a challenge. I part of me says it is not going to help anything and I won’t make it past school or work. I will never find an internship. I just am wasting a ton of time and money. I am just going to fail or already am failing at everything I do

I know that is not quite true, but it’s hard to argue with myself right now. So, this challenge is about survival. It is about standing back up, somehow. I won’t be changing much from last challenge, but it will be about just trying to do things. Trying to find the time again.

This challenge has a million things happening from Easter, to a wedding out of town to finals. I will get hit, I will get beat up, but I need to try. Because I don’t want to be this way forever, and while I don’t believe right now that this will really work, I can’t just give up. If I do, then I may never get back up.

So this is me, trying to survive. Trying to just stand back up each and every time.

 

 

captain-marvel.gif

 

Challenge goals below, as usual

 

Strength

1

Balance ball crunches

 

1

Squats

10

1

Wall Sit (sec)

 

1

Side kicks

Do 6

1

Leg lifts

6

1

 Reverse sit ups

 

1

sit ups

 

1

Knee to Elbows

 

1

Push ups

 

1

Balance Ball push ups

Flexibility

1

Wrist Extension Stretch

12

1

Upward dog/Child pose

 

1

Meditating Groot

 

1

Lord of the dance Yoga (ankle above head)

 

1

Butterfly

 

1

Bridge

Do 8

1

Ballet/toe Touch

                                                8.00

1

Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch

 

1

Warrior 1

 

1

Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing)

 

1

Side stretch

 

1

Forward bend

Life and Family

1

Play with Cats

 

1

NF time

 

1

Do something school related not homework

 

1

Soak up the sun

15

1

Spend time with Agents

 

1

Check Seedlings

 

1

Move plants in and out (weather dependent)

 

1

Plan

 

1

Be in bed by 11:30

 

1

Floss in morning

do 11

1

Floss before bed

 

1

Work on one thing off of Part B list Daily

11

1

One good thing

 

1

Water a plant

 

1

Homework time daily

Fight Chaos

1

Pennisula/Island

Clean all these daily

1

Table / Half wall

8

1

Desk

 

1

Bathroom up

 

1

Clean off file cabinet

do 5

1

Bathroom down

5

1

Clean off door to basement

 

1

Clean off Dresser

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

1

Garage

 

1

Front room

 

1

Computer room

9

1

Basement

 

1

3 pages out of recipe binder

do 5

1

Clean off nightstands

5

1

Counter over dishwasher

 

1

File 1 thing a day

 

1

Purge 1 thing a day

Walking

1

Walk 10500 steps

4

1

Walk 15 minutes a day

2

1

7 hours with 250 steps

do 2

1

Walk to Mordor

Fuel

1

No eating after dinner

13

1

No stupid sugar

 

1

Track breakfast

 

1

Track Second breakfast

do 10

1

Track Elevensies

 

1

Track lunch

 

1

< 3 bottles of tea

10

1

Eat Yogurt Daily

 

1

Eat Bananas Daily

 

1

Eat dried Apricots

 

1

Eat Breakfast

 

1

Eat Lunch

 

1

120 oz of water

 

If I get all the points for each box, its 47 points, with a possible number of points to 71. I changed a few things, like “Do something for internship” Is now “Do something school related besides homework” I need to get the internship figured out, but more, I need to just get summer figured out since my “am I working” is making planning difficult.

I also added “Move plants in and out” because hopefully after this challenge I can start putting plants in the ground. For now, I need to start getting them adjusted to the outside word (and clearing up space inside).

Things start today (mostly because I will always find a reason to start tomorrow).  If I am not posting here or not getting stuff done, someone bug me. I know the trolls are loose and I am having a hard time fighting them.

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Part B list or LIST OF DOOM depending on the day. Only till end of challenge

(Does not take into account regular activities for Agents. This list will probably grow during the challenge as I find/think of things that need done.)

o   Post challenge

o   Update sig

o   Create spreadsheet

o    

o    

o   Get 1 patch on sash for scouts

o   Get 1 patch on sash for scouts

o   Get 1 patch on sash for scouts

o   Change rank patch on scout shirt

o   Get 1 patch on sash for scouts

o   Fix reusable bag

o   Get tie for Youngest Sweat pants

o   Clean off halfwall

o   Start herbs

o   Clear Youngests Flower garden

o   Transplant Tomatoes

o   Clean out herb bed

o   Deal with tote of dirt in back yard

o   Clean garden cart

o   Start work Garage

o   Transplant Peppers

o   Transplant Tomatoes

o   Get Compost for garden beds

o   Till garden beds

o   Fix deck

o   Look into extending driveway

o   Calculate out cost of driveway expansion

o   Get supplies for driveway

o    Call to reschedule blood work

o   Decide on offer internship

o   Finish app for other internship

o   Birthday time Eldest

o   Meeting at Youngest school 4/16

o   Return to Activity

o   Decide on Summer activity 1 eldest

o   Decide on Summer activity 2 Eldest

o   Watch youngest Friend 4/19

o   Easter

o   Youngest School orientation 4/23

o   Youngest school carnival

o   Eldest activity parentnight

o   Rehersal wedding Youngest

o   Figure out eldest for wedding

o   Figure out dog for wedding

o   Final 1 5/7

o   Schedule final 2

o   Youngest Concert 5/16

o   Youngest Graduation 5/17

o   Youngest Graduation party 5/17

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Image result for anything worth doing is worth doing poorly

 

The fact you are here is a win and you know that.  I am obsessed with this quote that Flea posted in your last challenge. This is my mantra for now when I am starting and I have a bad day and wonder why bother even putting in the minimum effort... 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, Rookie said:

 

The fact you are here is a win and you know that.  I am obsessed with this quote that Flea posted in your last challenge. This is my mantra for now when I am starting and I have a bad day and wonder why bother even putting in the minimum effort... 

 

Heres the thing. I don't know that being here is a win. Sometimes I think its that whole "define crazy: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." But I like to think that being crazy here is a good thing and well, at least the people are fun.

The type A - Honor student kid in me is going "No, you do everything perfect." Remember, I once had a parent tell me (In my 30s, when they were told I got 100% in the class) "What you didn't do the extra credit?" I am trying to tell myself a B is okay (granted, I am not so sure but it may happen") But I am hoping doing badly is enough.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

GET

 

 

IT

 

original.gif

 

I am trying. Although, today there were about 10 people I would have loved see get blasted out of my way.. I guess that is better than the normal 15

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Tateman said:

Yes! You got this. Captain Marvel was a pretty great movie too :)

 

It really was a good movie, mostly because I remember being that girl, that young lady told "You can't do that."  I just hope I can remind myself that she got back up each time, and maybe I just need to try and get back up too. Even if I don't win, I got back up.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, 18ck said:

Expecting great things from you this time, Captain. 

 

Thanks, Don't expect too much, I am just trying to not look like Wilde E Coyote not realizing he ran off the edge of a cliff

LikableUntidyIberiannase-max-1mb.gif 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welp... today is a mess. Going to try and do boxes now, but after a maybe 50% on a quiz for one of my classes I am not in a great mood. That teacher is making me crazy... (study 3 chapters of material, with a study guide, post the quiz late, then ask NOTHING off the study guide).

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So Monday - Day 1 week 0

 

Rocks were thrown at me, normal day there. I got hit a few times and fell down. I had a serious case of "I can't even pretend to care." I honestly just wanted to sit there and stare at nothing.

I think I am just going to turn down the offered internship. The more I talk to them, the less I think I will get credit and the less I want it.  I did talk to grandBoss yesterday about a professional reference and she is going to talk to our IT department and see if I can get in there. I am still waiting to hear from the other place. If I work for our IT department, then I won't be able to do my normal job (which is stressing me out since A) I don't really want to lose it and b) I don't want to end up cleaning up after whoever is covering since no one else is trained. oh and c) I was kinda hoping for some extra cash. Going to send a "Just making sure you got my first email" to the guy from the first interview. I have the application MOSTLY done, I just need the letter of reference from Grand Boss and to fill out one last section.  I am so hoping something works out, and I should go back to calling and emailing and looking, but I just can't bring myself to. I keep getting emailed rejection letters and its not helping the self worth there. 

 

I had 2 cookies, but for one of them, I walked across the building and up a flight of stairs. I didn't need either of them, but the second one was more a "Okay fine" moment.

 

Homework is a bit overwhelming right now. I Have 3 assignments and a discussion board due by Sunday, but all the quizzes are done. And a chapter to read. I didn't need to spend Sunday with family or anything.

In better things, I got both quizzes done and baked cookies with youngest (Eldest had a birthday and I forgot to get cupcakes or something, and he likes cookies better).  I ended up getting on the treadmill since I didn't walk yesterday and I was closer to walking goal. I ended up doing more than I needed which is good, but I am not happy how tired I felt (or inflexible I felt after my stretches).

 

Challenge wise, I did get all the boxes done, and a few extra. But I started rolling and once I got all the boxes, I may have said "Just stop, you don't want to do too great day one, then you won't ever beat it."

 

Strength - 6 out of 6

Flexibility - 12 out of 8

Life and chaos -   15 out of 11

Fight Chaos - Clean-  6 out of 5

Fight Chaos Purge-   5 out of 5 

Walking -   4 out of 2 

Fuel  -  11  out of 10

Total 59 out of 47

 

Also, a note, I am starting out today feeling like I never slept. I started to wake up and thought I got up and moving 4 times, no those were dreams. I was still laying in bed with my eyes shut. I may need more rest.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

Heres the thing. I don't know that being here is a win. Sometimes I think its that whole "define crazy: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." But I like to think that being crazy here is a good thing and well, at least the people are fun.

The type A - Honor student kid in me is going "No, you do everything perfect." Remember, I once had a parent tell me (In my 30s, when they were told I got 100% in the class) "What you didn't do the extra credit?" I am trying to tell myself a B is okay (granted, I am not so sure but it may happen") But I am hoping doing badly is enough.

Yaaah we are fun crazy <3 And its not the same without Bean lol. I mean at least being here you are keeping your goals in mind. If you weren't here checking in would you do better or worse?

 

That is just ridiculous..... I would of smacked that parent. I think as long as you know you did your best you should be happy with whatever you get. I mean I know it can be heartbreaking  to put in all the effort you have and to be told it is only deserving of a B. But yah I feel strongly about school haha grades you don't mess around with lol I had a 2.7 or something GPA after a year of art college (where I kept getting overwhelmed because I lacked a lot of natural talents other people had so I got discouraged and didn't work my hardest).. then when I did my programming  4 year program I slowly got my combined GPA up to 4.0 (which was the max) which meant I had to maintain a 4.0 every semester.... no pressure lol I was dying by the end but it was a point of pride lol. I meant that quote more to the exercise, health, flossing, random little things where its like "ehhhhh i don't want to but i think I can muster doing 1 minute of it" sort of thing. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

In better things, I got both quizzes done and baked cookies with youngest (Eldest had a birthday and I forgot to get cupcakes or something, and he likes cookies better).  I ended up getting on the treadmill since I didn't walk yesterday and I was closer to walking goal. I ended up doing more than I needed which is good, but I am not happy how tired I felt (or inflexible I felt after my stretches).

Yay for accidents that lead to Eldest getting cookies. And yay for doing more on the treadmill. You're coming back from a time where you need to build up your strength and flexibility again. It's to be expected that you're going to feel it more both in being more tired and more inflexible. It sucks...But you've pushed through it to get to a good place and you know what's waiting for you when you do. :)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

The type A - Honor student kid in me is going "No, you do everything perfect." Remember, I once had a parent tell me (In my 30s, when they were told I got 100% in the class) "What you didn't do the extra credit?" I am trying to tell myself a B is okay (granted, I am not so sure but it may happen") But I am hoping doing badly is enough.

I'll be in the corner yelling "Bs get degrees!" until you graduate. :) No pressure, I'm just trying to drown out the voices in your head. 

 

 

  • Like 5
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I'll be in the corner yelling "Bs get degrees!" until you graduate. No pressure, I'm just trying to drown out the voices in your head. 
 
 
@Bean And I will be reminding you 'everything worth doing, is worth doing badly' a quote from a thread of yours that is now my mantra.
You are enough Bean, you will be ok.
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, Rookie said:

Yaaah we are fun crazy <3 And its not the same without Bean lol. I mean at least being here you are keeping your goals in mind. If you weren't here checking in would you do better or worse?

 

More than likely I would be doing much worse and going "who cares if I don't get the boxes done" Or I may not even have boxes and just go "its not a priority" which is how I got here.

 

22 hours ago, Rookie said:

That is just ridiculous..... I would of smacked that parent. I think as long as you know you did your best you should be happy with whatever you get. I mean I know it can be heartbreaking  to put in all the effort you have and to be told it is only deserving of a B. But yah I feel strongly about school haha grades you don't mess around with lol I had a 2.7 or something GPA after a year of art college (where I kept getting overwhelmed because I lacked a lot of natural talents other people had so I got discouraged and didn't work my hardest).. then when I did my programming  4 year program I slowly got my combined GPA up to 4.0 (which was the max) which meant I had to maintain a 4.0 every semester.... no pressure lol I was dying by the end but it was a point of pride lol. I meant that quote more to the exercise, health, flossing, random little things where its like "ehhhhh i don't want to but i think I can muster doing 1 minute of it" sort of thing. 

It was my parent so smacking not so much of an option. I also remember the one time we went on vacation to my Inlaws during summer semester. I had a quiz and I took it up there.  A few days later, I am in a bad mood because I just found out I got a C on the quiz. (It was hard to find time to study there since I would sit down and spread out and they would decide that meant "lets chat") Anyway. I am in this crummy mood and my Step MIL asks what is wrong. I tell her that I got a C on my quiz and I just need to have a minute. she looks at me and was honestly shocked and replied "But all that studying you did." Thanks, that didn't helps since I studied less than I normally did.

 

I Know what you kinda meant for the quote. I just get this "I must be perfect" thing in most of my life. Really its more "I must be perfect for those around me and make sure they never want, who cares if I take care of myself" which is even harder.

 

Thus why I am here, trying to learn to take care of myself.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, J3NN said:

Yay for accidents that lead to Eldest getting cookies. And yay for doing more on the treadmill. You're coming back from a time where you need to build up your strength and flexibility again. It's to be expected that you're going to feel it more both in being more tired and more inflexible. It sucks...But you've pushed through it to get to a good place and you know what's waiting for you when you do. :)

 

Thanks J3NN. I hope that it is going to get better, Right now, I am just trying to not feel like I am doing nothing, which sounds so much better than do the things.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'll be in the corner yelling "Bs get degrees!" until you graduate. :) No pressure, I'm just trying to drown out the voices in your head. 

 

 

 

I appreciate this so much. You have no idea how much I am worried I may not keep my A in both classes. Ugh. I know Bs are okay, but part of me just feels like that is still failing. My brain is stupid, that is all.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

@Bean And I will be reminding you 'everything worth doing, is worth doing badly' a quote from a thread of yours that is now my mantra.
You are enough Bean, you will be ok.

Thanks, I will need it.

I really hope you are right and i am enough. Right now, it doesn't feel it.

 

Well, my update will have to wait. I have one shoe on and I need to take an Agent to school. Maybe I will at least get to walk it. Not going to lie, bed sounds better

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
48 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

More than likely I would be doing much worse and going "who cares if I don't get the boxes done" Or I may not even have boxes and just go "its not a priority" which is how I got here.

Well than I call you being here and having boxes a win. And a double win when you get some checked off. 

 

48 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

It was my parent so smacking not so much of an option. I also remember the one time we went on vacation to my Inlaws during summer semester. I had a quiz and I took it up there.  A few days later, I am in a bad mood because I just found out I got a C on the quiz. (It was hard to find time to study there since I would sit down and spread out and they would decide that meant "lets chat") Anyway. I am in this crummy mood and my Step MIL asks what is wrong. I tell her that I got a C on my quiz and I just need to have a minute. she looks at me and was honestly shocked and replied "But all that studying you did." Thanks, that didn't helps since I studied less than I normally did.

I find sometimes parents forget what it was like to be in school. Or in my case neither of my parents were ever in college or uni lol so they don't quite understand. That being said they were very supportive even though my mom had super high expectations for me for some reason... cause she didn't have those for my brother and she doesn't have them for my little sister. It was like "OH THIS ONE IS GOOD AT SCHOOL.... LETS BUG THIS ONE".

 

I really don't get why people see someone is clearly in their bubble and think its okay to interrupt. This happens to me when I am reading a book at home lol (bf will randomly start talking to me... stop long enough for me to start reading again then start talking)... at the cottage same thing with my family... at work I'll be intense in coding and a coworker will come in and stand there until I acknowledge them. I need to put a "do not disturb" sign on my bubble. I mean what do you mean you can't multitask reading, retaining knowledge, hold a conversation and do you taxes at the same time!?!?!??!!?!?!? Silly people.  

 

48 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I Know what you kinda meant for the quote. I just get this "I must be perfect" thing in most of my life. Really its more "I must be perfect for those around me and make sure they never want, who cares if I take care of myself" which is even harder.

It is hard to have such a big heart sometimes ;) but its important too. 

 

48 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Thus why I am here, trying to learn to take care of myself.

-internet fist bump-

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OKay, so yesterday was another mess of forget I have a meeting, no don't let me go home early, make me stay late and well, I was over stuff. I actually came home from the meeting (that ran twice as long as it should have) too tired to eat the dinner on the table. (spoiler alert, I ended up eating a different dinner later).  Oh and I tried to mess up my good foot, which I am hoping I didn't break. I took a step weird and I the middle of my foot just started hurting. I have broken my foot walking before (other foot) so who knows. And why does the timer on my phone have to not go off so I am almost late to pick up an Agent.

I need to focus on the good points here. I made it to the meeting mostly on time. I still went for a nice walk after work (even if it was around campus and not here at home) and I got to walk down to the pond. I had almost 13600 steps, and I got all the stuff due this sunday done for homework.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have 3 huge projects due the 28th, so I have stuff to do.

 

I really didn't want to do my boxes, but I did get them done. And some I should of done much better than I did, but its at least something.

 

I got 57 pts total for the day

Strength - 6 out of 6

Flexibility - 9 out of 8

Life and chaos -   14 out of 11

Fight Chaos - Clean-  6 out of 5

Fight Chaos Purge-   5 out of 5 

Walking -   4 out of 2 

Fuel  -  13  out of 10

Total 57 out of 47

 

In other news, I may have some really great news. I am a bit hesitant to share it yet, but this may make so many things better. Please cross your fingers it works out.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now