• Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

Bean Sidhe

Bean Si Vs. Chaos – Just Survive

Recommended Posts

21 hours ago, fleaball said:

Oh wow. Excuse me, I'm going back in time to give past!Bean a hug. 

 

Thanks, This is why I know I am too hard on myself and that I am learning, but part of me is still just as hard on myself about things.

 

21 hours ago, fleaball said:

The guy that got a just enough GPA probably doesn't know the material the way you do though. But I totally get what you mean.

Oh, I know he won't and if he can get an interview he may not do well. The problem is, if he did the experience building BS, he will look better on paper.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am totally ignoring my homework that is like 2/3 done on a project just because I don't really want to do it. I know I can, but honestly, I just can't bring myself to care about it today.

 

Friday

 

As a day, went okay. I didn't get as much homework done as I should have, but the burn out is still real. I didn't get my steps in since I was home watching kids most of the day. And now today feels like Sunday which has me all confused. Eating was meh. I did talk to my brother that had the heart surgery and it was good to talk to him. He said some people have be giving him  a hard time about not being healthy. I told him I would smack him once (Stop smoking, start eating better) and then let him do him. He is a grown *** man and will do what he wants. I can make my opinion known and then support him however.  He did finally tell me the drs said he had a month, maybe 6 and he would be gone if he hadn't had the surgery.

 

This should light more a fire under me. I mean he is the same age I am. But, again, I am not there.

 

I tried getting confirmation on the good news, but I didn't realized they were closed friday. Hoping to hear monday (which is making me more crazy since I want this 100% certain done. I am like 98% sure I am good, but still).

Challenge wise, I got my points, but it still felt half done. I got 54 pts and all the boxes. I feel like I should do more of the exercise, hold the stretches longer, ect. I just don't want to.

 

Strength - 6 out of 6

Flexibility - 9 out of 8

Life and chaos -   15 out of 11

Fight Chaos - Clean-  6 out of 5

Fight Chaos Purge-   5 out of 5 

Walking -   2 out of 2 

Fuel  -  11  out of 10

Total 54 out of 47

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For the record, My anxiety went haywire about 4 hours ago, which is weird since I got the 2 assignments both not due till next Sunday done already, and turned in. I can't stop the feeling I am just going to fail.

I turned in one assignment and Hubby assured me it was all there, all I can think now is "well, when I fail it". It is for that program I was so happy I finished. The program is fine, the documentation sucks.

 

I know part is the next 10 days are going to suck. We are talking Bean is double booked the normal double book (which is why I wanted them done), between Holiday, then Activity 1 (normal) Mon, Thing for Youngest on Tues (not normal 3 hour commitment after school), Normal weds weirdness, Thur is another unusual commitment for Eldest and Friday is the school carnival that I will be working the whole thing for garden club. Sat is a thing for Youngest and Sunday I get to make a bread binge for Eldest for the thing on Monday night (Oh, and the wedding is the weekend after next and Finals start the day of the wedding).

 

Oh and lets not forget Hubby is running errands because I forgot Easter stuff.

 

This is me, failing. I should read (I still have half a chapter to read and a extra credit assignment in the crummy documentation class to do).

 

And I want the good thing decided. Ugh. But now I got to get up, do my boxes and hope I can pull a holiday out of the air.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Breathe! Some things might not happen the way you expect, plans might need to be juggled, you may be tired. But you will cope and you will adapt and the week will come to an end and nothing will have exploded. We are here to offer hugs and kittens!

 

giphy.gif?cid=790b76115cbcfc6675626e3451

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So weekend update


Saturday I did everything but my stretches and exercises. I basically was so swamped with homework (I got 2 assignments done and turned in plus reading) that I just didn't. Plus, when I pulled myself out and said I was going to do it, I started getting freaked out about Easter since Hubby was running errands for it at 9 pm that night. I was 4 exercises short and 2 stretches which right now upsets me since I should have done them. This was a case of Me being a lazy bum.

 

Sunday was a holiday and between the holiday stuff, homework, Eldest's friend that came over because is grandpa died and he needed his buddies, Oh and family drama (Lots of family drama) I just didn't. I didn't even try.  And not only did I walk out this time upset, but so did Youngest.

 

So yeah, I wasn't great over the weekend and I just got the homework for 1 class (the one where the teacher has been behind all year). Another chapter of reading and slides, a quiz over the last 2 weeks of material (not this one) only on Friday or saturday, A discussion board at some point (that is what it says), the Extra credit will be available at some point, and 2 video lectures at some point. Plus with the holiday I still have half of last weeks reading and its slides, and the EC that is at least partially done for the other class (The other class hasn't posted yet).

I am trying to not flip out, but I am starting to freak out over all of this. And all I can think is the class where I have all this homework, the beginning of the semester we had like nothing for 4 weeks.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, Severine said:

Breathe! Some things might not happen the way you expect, plans might need to be juggled, you may be tired. But you will cope and you will adapt and the week will come to an end and nothing will have exploded. We are here to offer hugs and kittens!

 

giphy.gif?cid=790b76115cbcfc6675626e3451

 

Breathing is something I am trying. Going to walk an Agent to school soon, which might help. I hope I just get it all done. Right now, that looks a long way from happening. I so want the semester over, but I really don't since I am honestly afraid of my finals this semester and everything that is due

 

Thanks for the support Severine. Knowing you all are here is helping

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
39 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

So weekend update


Saturday I did everything but my stretches and exercises. I basically was so swamped with homework (I got 2 assignments done and turned in plus reading) that I just didn't. Plus, when I pulled myself out and said I was going to do it, I started getting freaked out about Easter since Hubby was running errands for it at 9 pm that night. I was 4 exercises short and 2 stretches which right now upsets me since I should have done them. This was a case of Me being a lazy bum.

 

So forgive me for arguing with you but FUCK NO IT WAS NOT.

 

This was a case of you being a mother with tonnes of responsibilities at home, who's also coordinating fun special events for her family, keeping up social obligations like going to a wedding, coordinating getting an internship,  working a paying job at a lab, growing a bunch of plants in a quasi-homestead setup to feed your family amazing fresh produce, taking demanding computer science courses, etc. etc. etc. etc. and in the midst of that giant tornado of responsibility, you decided to take a break on something that wouldn't catch on fire if you eased up on it. Your mind and body are doing their best to manage your energy budget in the face of overwhelming demands, and some things need to be dropped sometimes.

 

That is a normal healthy coping mechanism. This was a case of you being a human being.

 

And not just any human being - a bloody superstar who got more done in that situation before you needed to tap out than 95% of the people I know. Most people I know would not have made it to even trying to exercise. Most people I know, in your circumstances, wouldn't even be trying to organize an easter for their kids - they'd be too stressed and swamped and they'd just promise the kids to do something next year so they could focus on work. You are amazing and inspiring to all of us here and please, please, don't be so cruel to yourself as to respond to all your hard work with criticism. Give yourself a big mental hug and tell yourself you are working hard and doing a good job and you're proud of yourself.

 

39 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Sunday was a holiday and between the holiday stuff, homework, Eldest's friend that came over because is grandpa died and he needed his buddies, Oh and family drama (Lots of family drama) I just didn't. I didn't even try.  And not only did I walk out this time upset, but so did Youngest.

 

Hugs about drama. I'm sorry that happened  :(  I hope you and youngest are both feeling a little better?

 

39 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

So yeah, I wasn't great over the weekend and I just got the homework for 1 class (the one where the teacher has been behind all year). Another chapter of reading and slides, a quiz over the last 2 weeks of material (not this one) only on Friday or saturday, A discussion board at some point (that is what it says), the Extra credit will be available at some point, and 2 video lectures at some point. Plus with the holiday I still have half of last weeks reading and its slides, and the EC that is at least partially done for the other class (The other class hasn't posted yet).

I am trying to not flip out, but I am starting to freak out over all of this. And all I can think is the class where I have all this homework, the beginning of the semester we had like nothing for 4 weeks.

 

You will be okay. Remember, it's just a list of assignments. Break it down, do them one by one. Find 10 min here and 30 minutes there and tackle them a chunk at a time and remember that each part you finish you'll feel a sense of relief at finishing. Sometimes the worst part is the dread of it - but once you start you remember you're smart and you can do it, and it's not so bad. Do the best you can in the circumstances you're in, and try to let that be enough to satisfy your inner critic. 

 

Sending so much <3 and support. We're all here, just please ask if there's anything we can do.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So update first while I am thinking of it.

 

The day overall wasn't too bad. I did hear something back on the good news, but it was more a "Hey, I saw this, I will get the info and get back to you."  Just please let this work

 

Work wasn't too bad, mostly because we hit a small lull before the end of the semester crazy.


School however, I may lose my mind. The good news is the one teacher who posts our work at like 5 pm on Monday (it is still due Sunday, so nevermind we lose  a day) just handed us our final study guide and is done. I am trying to tell myself its okay if I only get the 15 ec instead of the 25 because I can't even fathom how to do the 25 ec problem. But I keep going "I might need those 10 points, and I don't do things half way." Oh, and I had to create a spreadsheet for my grade in that class to figure out what I need to keep my A. More than a bit stressed about that since its not going to be easy. I can do it (I have a 93% right now) but it all comes down to how this last assignment is graded and how I do on the final worth 30% of my grade (oh and the study guide says there are 10 multiple choice questions worth 4 pts each, and 3 other questions worth 60 pts. No pressure. And this only =100 pts but the final is worth 30% of our grade, so more like 3x and yeah... I am a bit stressed).

 

I am still way behind in the other class. I am working when I can, but I really just can't be bothered to care at the moment.

I did manage to make an appt with my hair lady to have the colors in my hair taken out so I look professional if I have work over the summer. She just had a cancellation which worked for me.

 

Oh and guess who might be lactose intolerant/sensitive. I have been having some issues, and it looks related to the Yogurt (You know, the one I eat to fight digestive issues). I am going to finish what we have, then come up with something else.

 

Challenge wise, I did much better than I had been.  I totaled the day out at 62 pts (Highest so far).  I did get off work in time to go for a nice walk around campus before leaving to get Eldest Agent. I did a mile in under 20 minutes when walking which is cool. Normally I do a 22 minute mile or so. I also got all my stretches in and all my walking and fuel points.

 

Strength - 7 out of 6

Flexibility - 12 out of 8

Life and chaos -   14 out of 11

Fight Chaos - Clean-  7 out of 5

Fight Chaos Purge-   5 out of 5 

Walking -   4 out of 2 

Fuel  -  13  out of 10

Total 62 out of 47

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, Severine said:

 

So forgive me for arguing with you but FUCK NO IT WAS NOT.

 

I love you started with this. I Know I am super hard on myself and I never hold anyone to the same standard, so thank you for calling me out on it.

 

22 hours ago, Severine said:

This was a case of you being a mother with tonnes of responsibilities at home, who's also coordinating fun special events for her family, keeping up social obligations like going to a wedding, coordinating getting an internship,  working a paying job at a lab, growing a bunch of plants in a quasi-homestead setup to feed your family amazing fresh produce, taking demanding computer science courses, etc. etc. etc. etc. and in the midst of that giant tornado of responsibility, you decided to take a break on something that wouldn't catch on fire if you eased up on it. Your mind and body are doing their best to manage your energy budget in the face of overwhelming demands, and some things need to be dropped sometimes.

 

That is a normal healthy coping mechanism. This was a case of you being a human being.

 

See, where I just kept telling myself to get off the couch and just do it. But I just didn't. I was mad at myself then for not doing it, but I just couldn't convince myself it was worth it. I just wanted to not anymore, which isn't a good thing.

 

22 hours ago, Severine said:

And not just any human being - a bloody superstar who got more done in that situation before you needed to tap out than 95% of the people I know. Most people I know would not have made it to even trying to exercise. Most people I know, in your circumstances, wouldn't even be trying to organize an easter for their kids - they'd be too stressed and swamped and they'd just promise the kids to do something next year so they could focus on work. You are amazing and inspiring to all of us here and please, please, don't be so cruel to yourself as to respond to all your hard work with criticism. Give yourself a big mental hug and tell yourself you are working hard and doing a good job and you're proud of yourself.

 

I am trying. I have never known not being hard on myself, and aside from Hubby and chosen family (and Agents) and you all, almost everyone I ever knew was hard on me. In some cases, hard on me than me. I just am so afraid I am letting someone down. Its hard.

 

22 hours ago, Severine said:

 

Hugs about drama. I'm sorry that happened  :(  I hope you and youngest are both feeling a little better?

 

I got Youngest's head out of it, and I helped her learn to skateboard some (BTW, thing I did on Sunday was run down the hill holding on to Youngest hand while she skateboarded) but my head is still in the not great place. There were a few jabs about how I am not good enough, and I am ungrateful and I don't listen. Mostly it was the "Your making school harder than it needs to be"  and "Its only 13 pages, you can get that done in no time" except I average about 3 pages an hour with that book because it is detail heavy with info we need to know (and formulas) that keeps rattling around

 

22 hours ago, Severine said:

You will be okay. Remember, it's just a list of assignments. Break it down, do them one by one. Find 10 min here and 30 minutes there and tackle them a chunk at a time and remember that each part you finish you'll feel a sense of relief at finishing. Sometimes the worst part is the dread of it - but once you start you remember you're smart and you can do it, and it's not so bad. Do the best you can in the circumstances you're in, and try to let that be enough to satisfy your inner critic. 

 

I have been doing homework in the car in the parking lot to pick people up,when I get off early but can't leave, I did some last night while helping Youngest Study. I know some is burn out, but some its hard when looking at the assignments and knowing the instructor actually posted "I will have it available at some point this week" but she has no idea when since she hasn't created it yet.  I am just tired and worried that I am not studying enough, but I have no idea where my grade is (One class only has 45 pts out of 100 graded).  I really just want this semester done.

 

22 hours ago, Severine said:

Sending so much <3 and support. We're all here, just please ask if there's anything we can do.

Thank you, this I needed. I will ask if I can come up with anything. And thank you Severine. Your support means the world, and I honestly grew up thinking how I sounded was normal since that is what I heard all the time. I forget that for most people, its not.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, Tateman said:

Hopefully the good news does come in for you today.

 

They got back to me, but didn't have all the answers. I am hoping for today.

 

13 hours ago, Tateman said:

And blah to stupid drama!

 

Pretty much. I am so over a number of things right now.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

This is very true. Severine is a wise wise person. Thanks for reminding me Countess

She says things more betterer than I do. And. . . oh yeah. . . She's right and you're a bad ass.

1645945_1.jpg

;)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

They got back to me, but didn't have all the answers. I am hoping for today.

Boo. This is very frustrating and it sucks and I am sorry. Is there any way to light a fire under their asses that we just haven't tried yet? Is it maybe time to do the mom voice and say look here and put your finger in their faces? Because SRSLY, this is just dumb and you're being so much more graceful than they deserve.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

There were a few jabs about how I am not good enough, and I am ungrateful and I don't listen. Mostly it was the "Your making school harder than it needs to be"  and "Its only 13 pages, you can get that done in no time"

Did you hear me screeching in rage from all the way over here? Because I did. Christ on a cracker I fucking hate your people and all of this is so fucking wrong. Echoing what Severine and Countess said because you are a badass and you're crushing your shit even if you don't think so.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So the good news came through today:

I got the internship at the place I really wanted from Feb. I don' t think it is currently paid (still a few things to work out,) but it will be legit experience. In fact, originally I said I would start June 3rd, now he is offering to let me start earlier than that. He said he has some work I could do sooner. 

 

InsignificantWelllitAfricancivet-size_re

I still need to get it approved but I see NO Reason why the school wouldn't do that. I am a bit bummed it might be unpaid, but I will take it. This is a real IT gig, not like the other one.

 

 

giphy.gif
So now to get the last few things sorted out and I will make it happen. I am trying to come up with the "goals" for the application and then I will ask when I can drop the paperwork off to get it filled out.

tenor.gif?itemid=7236116

 

Now to get through this whole "End of semester and get paperwork sorted" thing. Oh and come up with "goals on what I want to accomplish and learn" Can I just write EVERYTHING?

tenor.gif?itemid=10612124

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/23/2019 at 6:29 PM, Countess D'If said:

She says things more betterer than I do. And. . . oh yeah. . . She's right and you're a bad ass.

1645945_1.jpg

;)

 

Severine is amazing at saying what I want to say but better. Except when it is about me since She sees what I do write, when I can only see what I do wrong. I am sure someday I will find a person with letters after their name that will make a FORTUNE off me and maybe a book/movie deal. But until that time, I deal the best I can and try to just be not horrible. (aka, not as hard on myself as I should... could... want to be)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/23/2019 at 6:31 PM, Countess D'If said:

Boo. This is very frustrating and it sucks and I am sorry. Is there any way to light a fire under their asses that we just haven't tried yet? Is it maybe time to do the mom voice and say look here and put your finger in their faces? Because SRSLY, this is just dumb and you're being so much more graceful than they deserve.

 

Not going to lie, this has been driving me nuts. They had most of the answers today, but basically because this isn't a "Heres a job, you won it" but rather a "we made a thing for you, what do you need?" there is some uncertainty. I was expecting them to say "we want you here these days" as opposed to "when do you want to be here?"

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/23/2019 at 8:11 PM, fleaball said:

Did you hear me screeching in rage from all the way over here? Because I did. Christ on a cracker I fucking hate your people and all of this is so fucking wrong. Echoing what Severine and Countess said because you are a badass and you're crushing your shit even if you don't think so.

 

I thought I heard someone ready to kill someone.  Yeah, this happened on Sunday.

the really sad part is, I am sitting here going "if we can get that family member better, then it will all get better" the problem is, they don't want to deal with their problems and are stuck in this "The world is falling apart" state. I know, its excuses, but I also have hope it might get better.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, so update for yesterday I forgot to put up because news

Woke up with horrid monthly migraine. It was bad, My eye twitched most of the day. I came home early and realized we forgot to make dinner the night before and had a HUGE thing last night for Youngest agent, so while I am home trying to rest to make the thing, I made dinner and had it ready so we could eat before going. I may have taken enough caffeine to help with the headache that time slowed down. I didn't study much, until I got home after the thing and still had focus and energy, until I didn't.

 

I did get all my boxes done barely. It was close because headache. I got 53 pts out of 47, but I had a salad before bed since we ate dinner at like 4:30 and I was hungry. So I lost the no eating after dinner. I also lost the no stupid sugar since I got into Jelly beans (??) while cooking which didn't even taste good.

 

Strength - 6 out of 6

Flexibility - 8 out of 8

Life and chaos -   14 out of 11

Fight Chaos - Clean-  6 out of 5

Fight Chaos Purge-   7 out of 5 

Walking -   2 out of 2 

Fuel  -  10  out of 10

Total 53 out of 47

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now