Where did all the adamantium go?

[Mad Hatter]

I love reading your reflections!

 

13 hours ago, zenLara said:

6) I have to go outside more. I don't know why I have so much resistance against it. All my thoughts are of the negative sort: it's going to be boring (it's never boring), it's already 15 minutes of walking to arrive to the countryside (15 minutes are such a loooong time), there will be too much people around because it's sunday (sure, if 1 person, half a dog and a parked car at the start of the fields are too much people, then there's too much people of course). When I come back it's all the opposite. The colors, the wind, the smells, the bugs, the warmth of the sun or the coolness of the rain, or the darkness of the storm... everything feels perfect to me every time, and yet, I try to keep myself away from that.

This might sound a bit weird, but for me when I'm in a depressive state I sometimes don't do things that I know will make me feel good because I'm not yet ready to feel good. The contrast between the general blahs and suddenly feeling good things can almost feel a bit overwhelming. I have no idea if it applies to you, but it's worth remembering that brains are weird and emotions are complicated and that's ok.

 

I'm just super happy that you're having fun again at least with some things! And as Waanie says not everything needs to be fun in the normal sense. Useful and focused are also good things! Then it's up to you to decide how much time you want to spend on them. It's great that you're giving it some time to decide though.

[Lara]

On 5/13/2019 at 9:51 AM, Mad Hatter said:

This might sound a bit weird, but for me when I'm in a depressive state I sometimes don't do things that I know will make me feel good because I'm not yet ready to feel good. The contrast between the general blahs and suddenly feeling good things can almost feel a bit overwhelming

I had never seen it from this point of view. I'll try to observe myself next time I feel such a strong resistance to do something.

 

On 5/13/2019 at 9:51 AM, Mad Hatter said:

I'm just super happy that you're having fun again at least with some things!

Yes, finally!

 

13.5.19

ACTIONS	TIME SPENT	SENSATIONS AND FEELINGS
YOGA	21'	Picked a vid and just did it without much thought. Didn't feel much release afterwards, but time flew.
MUSIC PRACTICE	40'	Not bad. A bit unmotivated right now.
HANGING. PUSHING. WORKING OUT	dead hang 1' 25" 20" 2 push-ups	Decided to get back to this. I hope to remember. Maybe I could add one WH cycle for push-ups...
ICELANDIC	8' of reading	I love it. I loooooove it! 1h of listening too.
WRITING
GYM
MOBILITY	2' + 3' + 2'	Feeling lazy about doing this, but I did yoga, so there was some more movement.
OUTDOORS
READING	15' + 45'	I found myself thinking of the book while having dinner, impatient to go and read some more.
SKETCHING
WH BREATHING	17' shower 16º	Nice breathing, even when I felt unfocused. Shower was almost... not awful?
BREATHING. MEDITATION	15'	A breathing meditation after yoga. It just felt right

 

[Lara]

14.5.19

ACTIONS	TIME SPENT	SENSATIONS AND FEELINGS
YOGA
MUSIC PRACTICE	1h46m	Very good here. And it was all technique work. Focused and feeling I was doing a good job.
HANGING. PUSHING. WORKING OUT
ICELANDIC	28'	Reading, and reviewing parts of some easy textbook. 50 minutes of listening.
WRITING
GYM
MOBILITY	12' + 2' + 1'	Felt some resistance to do it.
OUTDOORS	1h	So nice. Walked way more than the other day, about 45 minutes. The rest I spent it sitting in the sun watching the bugs do their things.
READING	4' + 15'	Just ok.
SKETCHING
WH BREATHING	18' shower 15º	Really really good. Wanted more. Didn't want to get into the shower. Can't say I'm having fun.
BREATHING. MEDITATION	15'	Today it helped a lot to keep a deep breath during breakfast and to enjoy it more by being more present.

Total time: 4h21m. Very good day!

 

[Mad Hatter]

11 hours ago, zenLara said:

Total time: 4h21m. Very good day!

Super impressive!

[WhiteGhost]

18 hours ago, zenLara said:

I spent it sitting in the sun watching the bugs do their things

Sounds like a very restful way to spend some nice time in the sun  

[Lara]

15.5.19

 

ACTIONS	TIME SPENT	SENSATIONS AND FEELINGS
YOGA	22'	It always feels short
MUSIC PRACTICE	45' + 10'	Quite a good job. The last 10 minutes I bravely faced one of my weakest areas I want to address from now on.
HANGING. PUSHING. WORKING OUT	dead hang 40" + 20" 3 push-ups	Last push-up had very bad form. Dead hang is not getting easier.
ICELANDIC	20'	A difficult video, a bit frustrating after all this icelandic spring. 30' of listening.
WRITING
GYM
MOBILITY	7' + 3'	Not much today. Felt lazy about this.
OUTDOORS
READING	10'	Just ok. Not very interesting right now, so I keep putting it back.
SKETCHING
WH BREATHING	17' shower 15º	Impatient to finish breathing exercise today. Water was COLD.
BREATHING. MEDITATION	15'	Also impatient here.

Total time: 2h32.

Reading my table feels like I had a bad day: bad form, not getting easier, difficult, frustrating, lazy, putting back, impatient... But however my overall sensation is positive and I feel I accomplished a lot today. 

[WhiteGhost]

Sometimes just doing things and getting stuff done has a positive overall effect, even if all of the parts of what you were doing were strugglebus.  At least it often works out that way for me.

[Mad Hatter]

18 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Sometimes just doing things and getting stuff done has a positive overall effect, even if all of the parts of what you were doing were strugglebus.  At least it often works out that way for me.

Truth.

[Lara]

16.5.19

ACTIONS	TIME SPENT	SENSATIONS AND FEELINGS
YOGA
MUSIC PRACTICE
HANGING. PUSHING. WORKING OUT	dead hang 30" 4 push-ups	One more than the day before!
ICELANDIC	15'	I'm able to follow the story even when I don't understand many things. Personal victory of the day: understood a whole paragraph, except for one unkown word.
WRITING
GYM
MOBILITY
OUTDOORS
READING
SKETCHING
WH BREATHING	16' - 16º	Nice breathing, cold shower
BREATHING. MEDITATION

Total time: 33 minutes. Was busy at work almost the whole day, so not bad considering.

 

17.5.19

ACTIONS	TIME SPENT	SENSATIONS AND FEELINGS
YOGA
MUSIC PRACTICE	20'	Knew I wasn't going to have time to practice, so woke up a bit earlier to at least do a warm-up.
HANGING. PUSHING. WORKING OUT	3 push-ups	No dead hang, but at the gym used the pause between classes to hop to one of the bars and go from side to side.
ICELANDIC	8'	I was crazy tired after the gym, so it was more difficult follow the story.
WRITING
GYM	2h	The most intense animal flow class so far. There were people from advanced levels and the trainer got a bit carried away. He told me I had kept up very well
MOBILITY		Not on my own time, but 1 full hour at the gym
OUTDOORS
READING	2h30m	Train trips always help to get into a story...
SKETCHING
WH BREATHING	18' - 16º	I had the feeling that my retention times where short, but they weren't. So f*** cold!
BREATHING. MEDITATION	15' + 15'	Deep breathing and a body relax exercise, so nice.

Total time: 5h48m. Gym was really really fun, but today I'm dying.

 

[Lara]

18.5.19

ACTIONS	TIME SPENT	SENSATIONS AND FEELINGS
YOGA
MUSIC PRACTICE	1h	Work is paying.
HANGING. PUSHING. WORKING OUT
ICELANDIC		Only listening, 1h20m
WRITING
GYM
MOBILITY
OUTDOORS	30'	My boyfriend wanted to take a stroll. I didn't enjoy it much, because we stayed in the city.
READING	1h30 + 1h	Book is over. I don't think I'll read the whole series.
SKETCHING
WH BREATHING	15'	Nice and well.
BREATHING. MEDITATION

Total time: 4h15m.

Yesterday was quite a lazy day. I wanted to do all the things, but in the end I was too tired from the gym and the work week.

[Ensi]

On 5/18/2019 at 11:59 AM, zenLara said:

 

Gym was really really fun, but today I'm dying.

 

 

The struggle...

 

 

Proud of you <3

[Lara]

19.5.19

ACTIONS	TIME SPENT	SENSATIONS AND FEELINGS
YOGA	24'	Tough when doing it but soooooo relaxed afterwards.
MUSIC PRACTICE	1h22	Tackling my worst areas.
HANGING. PUSHING. WORKING OUT	no hanging 4 push-ups	The first 2 seemed really good.
ICELANDIC	14'	Read a bit to finish the chapter. Listening: 1h20.
WRITING
GYM
MOBILITY	12' + 4'	Neck is better than these past days. Tiring.
OUTDOORS
READING	20'	Began a new book last night, has a long introduction, it seems.
SKETCHING
WH BREATHING	19' + 18º	Extremely nice. Shower didn't feel cold, 2 degrees make a difference.
BREATHING. MEDITATION

Total time: 2h45m. 

 

Aaaand, week 4 recap

 

13-19.5.19

ACTIONS	TIME SPENT	SENSATIONS AND FEELINGS
YOGA	1h07m	It's always rewarding to set time aside for this.
MUSIC PRACTICE	6h	Very good work, despite the frustration of the week.
HANGING. PUSHING. WORKING OUT	dead hang 3'15" 13 push-ups	I seem to have focused a bit more on the push-ups this week. Not bad.
ICELANDIC	1h18	So fun and rewarding!
WRITING	-	-
GYM	2h	Loved it.
MOBILITY	48m	Tough.
OUTDOORS	1h30	This is usually the most enjoyable moment of the week.
READING	6h50m	Almost one hour a day!
SKETCHING	-	Nothing this week. Such a pity.
WH BREATHING	2h	More than half of that time is non breathing time!
BREATHING. MEDITATION	1h15m	Breathing meditation helps to focus when I suddenly stress out for no reason.

 

Total time: 22h54m. Awesome!

[Lara]

END OF CHALLENGE!!

 

 

ACTIONS	TIME SPENT	SENSATIONS AND FEELINGS
YOGA	2h25m	The time invested in yoga is always worth it. It's kind of fun to do and I feel specially relaxed afterwards.
MUSIC PRACTICE	19h	This makes less than 5 hours of work per week. It's not bad, but I really need to get those numbers up. Good part is that I'm in a very nice period, reaping the benefits from these past months work.
HANGING. PUSHING. WORKING OUT	dead hang around 12' 23 push-ups	Well, this is better than nothing. But far away from my ambitious goals. Something to keep working on.
ICELANDIC	7h41m	I would have never expected this. Buying that book was a wise move. Still can't believe I'm reading.
WRITING	20m	Already said this is on hold until at least the summer.
GYM	8h	Made it through the four weeks without missing a day. Attended a mobility workshop too.
MOBILITY	4h58m	Almost 5 hours of hard work at home, added to the 1 hour class I take every week.
OUTDOORS	4h	Lovely.
READING	21h37m	Had some fun and some boring moments. I don't think this is going to need anymore tracking or effort.
SKETCHING	45'	I wish I would have made more time for this. It is fun, no matter how bad I am at it.
WH BREATHING	6h50	Probably around 1h a week of non breathing times. Sooo relaxing.
BREATHING. MEDITATION	5h25m	As I said, I didn't think this would stick, but there it is. More than building a habit, I used it as a tool when needed.

Total time invested in me time: 86h26m!!

 

Now, what do I think about the challenge itself?

 

First of all, it has helped. Having to come here every day to post those numbers helped me to keep working when I didn't feel like. It has helped to push forward and try to do better. Having people coming around to cheer me up has made it easier than just staying at home on my own like I did until now.

 

Second, while I put some actual goals in my stats post at the beginning of the challenge, I haven't payed attention to them and have completely forgot about results and focused on just doing the things. We could say that the actual goal was to show up and do the work, and it has lead into a lot of progress without worrying about the progress itself. Feels way less stressing than my usual perspective, and I think it has collaborated to avoid this sensation of feeling "burnt" or anxious about all the activities I had to do that arises quite frequently in my life.

 

Then, do I feel better? Definitely yes. The numbness of the beginning of the challenge has gradually made space for new feelings. The thrill of getting better and taking small challenges has become kind of addictive in a good way, and my overall mood is much better than at the beginning of the challenge. It's not that is all flowers and rainbows now, but I'm reaching some balance that was absent before.

I always feel better, both mentally and physically, when I keep myself active, and I'm finding it also helps to create some sense of "control", in a good way. There are plenty of things in life I don't know where they're going, but there are always fun things that I can do to drive my life in the direction I want to, instead of getting dragged by events or feel like I'm losing my time.

 

I'm not sure where I'm going now. I know there are a few things I need more of in my life, because they will make me feel better and happier: more yoga, more outdoors, more sketching. Next challenge I might try to raise the numbers for these activities, and stop tracking others like reading or meditation, which are things that apparently will happen anyway, but I'm not sure yet. I'll probably use this next week to reflect on what I want.

 

Now, even when I haven't reached almost any of my "stats goals", I think I can still reap some points and...

 

DING DING DING! LEVEL UP!

[WhiteGhost]

13 hours ago, zenLara said:

More than half of that time is non breathing time!

Holy Hannah, that is impressive (and just a little bit scary)

 

13 hours ago, zenLara said:

Awesome!

Indeed!

 

12 hours ago, zenLara said:

Now, even when I haven't reached almost any of my "stats goals", I think I can still reap some points and...

 

DING DING DING! LEVEL UP!

Reading through your summary, it occurred to me that adamantium was there the whole time, you just needed something to bring it out (and this challenge seems to have been just the thing  )

[Mad Hatter]

15 hours ago, zenLara said:

Second, while I put some actual goals in my stats post at the beginning of the challenge, I haven't payed attention to them and have completely forgot about results and focused on just doing the things. We could say that the actual goal was to show up and do the work, and it has lead into a lot of progress without worrying about the progress itself. Feels way less stressing than my usual perspective, and I think it has collaborated to avoid this sensation of feeling "burnt" or anxious about all the activities I had to do that arises quite frequently in my life.

This is great, focusing on the process instead of outcome.

 

15 hours ago, zenLara said:

The numbness of the beginning of the challenge has gradually made space for new feelings

Yay! I have to say it's been so so inspiring to see you fighting hard against mental monsters. It's really admirable and courageous and I'm really happy for you that it's working.

 

Woot for the level up, well deserved!

[Lara]

On 5/20/2019 at 9:23 AM, WhiteGhost said:

Reading through your summary, it occurred to me that adamantium was there the whole time, you just needed something to bring it out (and this challenge seems to have been just the thing  )

To be honest, I don't feel victorious enough to say I've recovered my adamantium, but I know I'm on the right path. A couple of challenges like this one and The Wolverine will be back

 

On 5/20/2019 at 1:00 PM, Mad Hatter said:

This is great, focusing on the process instead of outcome.

I had read many times about it, but until now I found it impossible to actually follow that way of work. Even when I thought about daily actions and worked on tiny achievements, there was always the idea in the background that I had to progress, that I had to achieve something, otherwise what was I doing. But this challenge I managed to really forget about all that, and just focused on filling my notebook every day with time spent on myself, on my own benefit. In the end there was progress (from no push-ups to 3-4, from feeling pain when hanging to hang for 1 minute, beginning to actually read in icelandic, and so on), but what makes me feel good about this challenge is that I just showed up every day and did what I had said I'd do, no matter what.

[Lara]

New challenge!