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Butternut

Butternut decomposes

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Yo everyone!

 

Ok. I am the dog who caught the car.

 

If you want to know the deep part of what the hell I am talking about, read the spoiler!

Spoiler

For the first 20 years of my life it was full of chaos and no security from family.   

 

I was a little girl lost in the middle of 9 neglacted brothers and sister with a narcisstic mother.

 

Now 10 years later, I don't have that anymore.  I have a great job, healthy kids, a wonderful relationship with my husband, and I'm healthy.

 

But my old habits of being worried, keeping my wall up, and finding problems still linger.  

 

I faced all my worries, sadness, and grieved over my childhood in the last 3 months.  I have always ignored it by saying "Well other people have had it worse, so i need to stop being a baby."  Instead I faced it and let all the emotions come out.

 

it was a HOT MESS!  I was crying alot, it felt like I was grieving, feeling it in my muscles. 

 

One day I was listening to podcast and the guest said "Sometimes we have to let part of us die so we can move on into a new part of our life."

 

I let that part of me die.  I grieved, faced that part of me that is insecure, trying to find problems, and that uses food to cope lonliness, and I let it die.

 

Now.. The ghost still haunts me but I am facing my life different.  Through different lenses. 

 

I finally have everything I dreamed of as a little girl. Someone to save me from chaos, a home that I bought, and happy healthy kids. I have all 3 of those things! 

 

2 months ago I didn't know what to do with this realization, but now I do. 

 

I am moving forward with my life to be different then who I have been.  This is a new beginning.  

 

So with these goals. I'm facing these goals with simple things like Steve Kamp always encourages.

 

How we go!!!

 

1. Wake up at 6am- Every morning

2. Hit the Gym, Sauna, and/or ju jitsu 3 times a week

3. High fat, high protein breakfast.  (Breakfast also means "Break Fast" ^_^ )

4. Read 8 minutes every Night.

 

Now these 4 goals I'm going to try to do just for the first 2 weeks.  I may change them half way through.

 

Anyways ladys and gents, I am excited! 

 

Please follow, encourage, inspire, and comment!

 

 

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Quite right that you're excited - that's a good set of goals. I'm looking forward to see you smash them and earn the right to wear The Sports Bra of Destiny. 

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Happy to see you back. I am sorry you had to grieve for things lost, but it sounds like you are in a much better place overall. Here to watch you rock this. I know you can.

 

I am curious what some of your breakfast ideas are going to be. I am always way too low on my protein intake.

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On 4/20/2019 at 6:53 PM, 18ck said:

Quite right that you're excited - that's a good set of goals. I'm looking forward to see you smash them and earn the right to wear The Sports Bra of Destiny. 

 

Now I have to see if I can get one custom made that says "Sports Bra of Destiny!"

 

On 4/20/2019 at 7:05 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

Happy to see you back. I am sorry you had to grieve for things lost, but it sounds like you are in a much better place overall. Here to watch you rock this. I know you can.

 

I am curious what some of your breakfast ideas are going to be. I am always way too low on my protein intake.

 

I had 5 left over deviled eggs from Easter dinner last night!

 

I woke up at 6am this morning!  But i ended up cuddling with my hubby to start of our week.... ^_^ I say this counts as a success!

 

Going to Ju Jitsu tonight! 

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I had 5 left over deviled eggs from Easter dinner last night!
 
I woke up at 6am this morning!  But i ended up cuddling with my hubby to start of our week....  I say this counts as a success!
 
Going to Ju Jitsu tonight! 
It definitely counts!

Also, how do you get a custom made bra?

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Excellent challenge! It's very true you sometimes have to let part of you die. I like that concept. 

 

And I need a new sports bra too ... I just don't want to spend the money lol. I'm probably going to get a she-fit this time. I've been getting Enells for the past 7 years or so haha. 

 

I now want deviled eggs

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On 4/22/2019 at 11:36 AM, Butternut said:

I had 5 left over deviled eggs from Easter dinner last night!

 

Quote

I now want deviled eggs

I have been craving deviled eggs all day!

 

 

 

22 hours ago, Rookie said:

And I need a new sports bra too ... I just don't want to spend the money lol. I'm probably going to get a she-fit this time. I've been getting Enells for the past 7 years or so haha. 

ME TOO! I'm not super susceptible to advertisements, but HOLY CARP! I want a she-fit SO MUCH!!

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14 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

 

ME TOO! I'm not super susceptible to advertisements, but HOLY CARP! I want a she-fit SO MUCH!!

RIGHHHHHHHHT?!?!?!!? Its the most recommended in my horse community with the well endowed ladies. So if it pasts the horse test.... you know it has to be good. The issue I have with my Enell is after a year or so I find it stretches a bit and the brackets on the front start to rust and go. And that seems like an issue I will not have with the SheFit.  

 

giphy.gif

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On 4/22/2019 at 7:01 PM, Diadhuit said:

It definitely counts!

Also, how do you get a custom made bra?

I have no idea! But once I find out, I will report back to you!

 

On 4/22/2019 at 8:40 PM, Rookie said:

Excellent challenge! It's very true you sometimes have to let part of you die. I like that concept. 

 

And I need a new sports bra too ... I just don't want to spend the money lol. I'm probably going to get a she-fit this time. I've been getting Enells for the past 7 years or so haha. 

 

I now want deviled eggs

 

Sports bra... or should I say bras in general are expensive! But I only have 2 and with Ju jitsu, gym, and sauna, I can use those 2 very quickly and need one washed before going to the next event!

 

A she-fit?  Whats that?

 

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Alrighty, doing ok.

 

Waking up at 530ish actually!  I may wake up earlier to hit the gym in the morning! But we'll see.

 

Reading 8 minutes, I've been getting it done!  I'm almost done with the first Harry Potter!

 

High protein, high fat, I had 2 handfuls of almonds and left over home made grass fed Salisbury steak!   My father was a marine, I will eat anything cold.

 

Ju Jitsu with my hubby, Ju jitsu at the gym on Tuesday, hit the pool and sauna on Wednesday! Ow!!!!   

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10 hours ago, Butternut said:

Sports bra... or should I say bras in general are expensive! But I only have 2 and with Ju jitsu, gym, and sauna, I can use those 2 very quickly and need one washed before going to the next event!

 

A she-fit?  Whats that?

 

I actually hate the bra struggle :( I only have one sports bra. My dehumidifier is my friend lol I run it in the laundry room when my wet bras are on my line. Dry within the next day. 

 

She-fit is a high impact sports bra that zippers in the front and the straps are adjustable. I think the waist band is also adjustable. So as your body changes or as your bra gets older you can still have a snug fit. I was going to post a picture from Google but my phone wasn't cooperating.

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On 4/26/2019 at 6:55 AM, Rookie said:

I actually hate the bra struggle :( I only have one sports bra. My dehumidifier is my friend lol I run it in the laundry room when my wet bras are on my line. Dry within the next day. 

 

She-fit is a high impact sports bra that zippers in the front and the straps are adjustable. I think the waist band is also adjustable. So as your body changes or as your bra gets older you can still have a snug fit. I was going to post a picture from Google but my phone wasn't cooperating.

 

Nice! One of mine has a zipper in the front and excise my language but it’s FUCKING AWESOME!

 

 

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Wow everyone.

 

monday I hit all three.. Gym, Sauna, and Ju Jitsu!

 

Today anxiety and uncertainty has won. I put auto pilot on and skimmed through the day.

 

came home and watched old Batman cartoon with daughter and son and didn’t do anything else. 

 

Do you ever just feel worthless? Incompetent? Unlovable? All in one day? Even though you have loved ones surrounding you? 

 

It hurts today. 

 

I feel awful saying it out loud in this forum... but I’m grateful for the safety.

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I'm sorry you felt that way. I hope today is better for you. I've felt similar things before and it is really hard to pull yourself along when feeling them. I find it helps to count my small blessings or listen to soothing music. I was talking to my friend about this the other day and she said what helps her when her anxiety is worse than usual is to hug her cat and count the cats breathes or count her fans rotations. 

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On 5/2/2019 at 3:43 AM, Butternut said:

Do you ever just feel worthless? Incompetent? Unlovable? All in one day? Even though you have loved ones surrounding you? 

 

Yes.  

 

But it in all honesty not for a long time so I know that it is possible to escape from that.  It takes a lot of work to get over the emotional baggage from childhood, but it sounds like you are making good progress. xx

 

Quote

It hurts today. 

 

I feel awful saying it out loud in this forum... but I’m grateful for the safety.

 

This place is such a great support, but it can sometimes feel like you can’t voice the negative stuff because everyone else is being so positive.  What you have to remember is that negative emotions are just as valid as positive ones, if that’s how you feel then that’s how you feel, and it is far healthier to acknowledge them than to try and pretend everything’s fine.  You’re doing great. 

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came home and watched old Batman cartoon with daughter and son and didn’t do anything else. 
 
Do you ever just feel worthless? Incompetent? Unlovable? All in one day? Even though you have loved ones surrounding you? 


I read this as 'I spent quality time with my family' and I find it beautiful (I have a little bit of envy there :sweat_smile:). Don't beat yourself up because of it!

I do a lot of the times. I mainly feel alone even if I have many close friends (and a loving family far away). I went to a minful compassion course and the exercise that helped me the most was stopping, put my hand on my heart, take a belly breath, and aknowledge: I'm suffering (or insert emotion here), a lot of people feel this way, what do I need right now?
Not sure it can help you, but I often need a glass of water or a hug...
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On 5/1/2019 at 7:43 PM, Butternut said:

Wow everyone.

 

monday I hit all three.. Gym, Sauna, and Ju Jitsu!

 

Today anxiety and uncertainty has won. I put auto pilot on and skimmed through the day.

 

came home and watched old Batman cartoon with daughter and son and didn’t do anything else. 

 

Do you ever just feel worthless? Incompetent? Unlovable? All in one day? Even though you have loved ones surrounding you? 

 

It hurts today. 

 

I feel awful saying it out loud in this forum... but I’m grateful for the safety.

 

I’m sorry that you feel like that. It sucks and I hate that your brain is attacking you. There’s not a whole lot we can do to defend against our own brain but remember that depression lies. 

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On 5/4/2019 at 5:30 AM, Diadhuit said:

: I'm suffering (or insert emotion here), a lot of people feel this way, what do I need right now?

 

I really like that. Thank you for sharing that with me! I will definitely use it

 

 

 

Thank you @Countess D'If @Guzzi, @Diadhuit, and @Rookie for your kind words. 

 

And sorry for falling off the face of the ... Forum :P

 

@Guzzi I agree that it is hard to bring up the messy stuff sometime because people are so wonderfully positive but I think we all need a balance.

 

ive taking sometime to myself, was extremely vulnerable with my hubby, and just let it pass. 

 

I’ve never been happier in my life! But on the days I’m down, it feels like the worst days I’ve ever felt!

 

its weird. But in the last 2 weeks I’ve felt great. Being in nature has helped and recognizing what are my good contributes are. I focus so much on the negative.

 

lately after I have a conversation with someone and have helped them I remind myself that is who I am too. I am someone that loves helping people talk about their struggles. Helping them feel comfortable letting it all out and turning it into a discussion. It’s my favorite thing in the world. 

 

Anyways ! 

 

Im making lasagna tonight and my noodles should be done by now!! 

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I really like that. Thank you for sharing that with me! I will definitely use it
 
 
 
Thank you [mention=23360]Countess D'If[/mention] [mention=18127]Guzzi[/mention], [mention=63447]Diadhuit[/mention], and [mention=22679]Rookie[/mention] for your kind words. 
 
And sorry for falling off the face of the ... Forum
 
[mention=18127]Guzzi[/mention] I agree that it is hard to bring up the messy stuff sometime because people are so wonderfully positive but I think we all need a balance.
 
ive taking sometime to myself, was extremely vulnerable with my hubby, and just let it pass. 
 
I’ve never been happier in my life! But on the days I’m down, it feels like the worst days I’ve ever felt!
 
its weird. But in the last 2 weeks I’ve felt great. Being in nature has helped and recognizing what are my good contributes are. I focus so much on the negative.
 
lately after I have a conversation with someone and have helped them I remind myself that is who I am too. I am someone that loves helping people talk about their struggles. Helping them feel comfortable letting it all out and turning it into a discussion. It’s my favorite thing in the world. 
 
Anyways ! 
 
Im making lasagna tonight and my noodles should be done by now!! 


Actually, thank you! I needed a reminder of my own tips!

I find as well that sometimes my life is 'boring', or better, that emotions are subtle, then when I'm the happiest then my bad days are worse. Balance is something so hard to find...

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