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Salinger's twenty second challenge!


Salinger

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Morning all, 6.20am here, its pissing it down, but the air smells so nice, the back door is open and i can hear the rain. Jackson just ran in and shook himself haha like a dog! I bloody watered the plants yesterday too haha. 

 

I have a cup of tea, and some water. And had some toast and jam. 

 

Im really tired, i didnt sleep well at all. Couldnt get off to sleep and when i did, kept waking up through the night. Eventually getting up at 5.30am. I might try to go to the gym this morning instead of this afternoon. Although how are you meant to exercise when exhausted?! :o

 

I have a lot of work to do today...especially if i am going to see my friend tomorrow! I have a list written down, and will be good to cross stuff off. 

 

x

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Hello there. midday now. Just got back from the garage. I probably need a new tyre ugh, its worn down a bit and keeps deflating (slow puncture) he said its not urgent though thank fully. 

 

Been a bit manic this morning actually, probably tiredness mixed in with medication issues. Anyway, im convincing myself that I may be non-binary...i dont know though? I love wearing skirts/lipstick/earrings etc girly stuff. BUT i also want to wear suits and a tie and be a boy! Its starting to stress me out. Maybe im unhappy because im scared to be my true self?? Can you be both feminine and masculine?? Im 30 years old and perhaps my lifes a lie?! 

 

Sorry, thats a bit deep for Sunday afternoon ahahhahahaha 

 

Love to you guys xx

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3 hours ago, Salinger said:

Anyway, im convincing myself that I may be non-binary...i dont know though? I love wearing skirts/lipstick/earrings etc girly stuff. BUT i also want to wear suits and a tie and be a boy! Its starting to stress me out. Maybe im unhappy because im scared to be my true self?? Can you be both feminine and masculine?? 

 

Yes

 

This is 110% me in a nutshell

 

I never really figured it out until I was in my mid 30s but to me it's very freeing. It makes the way I am make sense, if that...... Makes sense. :)

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Tell me, if you had the strength to take another step, could you do it?

Level ?? Bard & Monk of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

 

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8 minutes ago, shaar said:

 

Yes

 

This is 110% me in a nutshell

 

I never really figured it out until I was in my mid 30s but to me it's very freeing. It makes the way I am make sense, if that...... Makes sense. :)

 

Do you class yourself as non binary then Shaar? (hope you dont mind me asking!) I have been in bed crying for the past 2 hours. haha. fuck sake. 

 

One friend told me to stop worrying about it and just live my life. 

 

But i dont feel comfortable, and able to do that. But its made me more upset thinking about how im making a big deal out of it.... x

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15 minutes ago, Salinger said:

 

Do you class yourself as non binary then Shaar? (hope you dont mind me asking!) I have been in bed crying for the past 2 hours. haha. fuck sake. 

 

One friend told me to stop worrying about it and just live my life. 

 

But i dont feel comfortable, and able to do that. But its made me more upset thinking about how im making a big deal out of it.... x

 

Very much textbook non-binary here :)

 

I revel in the freedom of it but I can also see where it would be VERY !!!!!!!! to someone... Like... It's a big thing to realize. I've been NB for decades, before I even knew it was a 'thing', so for me to find out there was a name for this existence I've been living was really refreshing! IMHO it may just take time to let the concept settle in your brain and become used to/comfy with it.

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Tell me, if you had the strength to take another step, could you do it?

Level ?? Bard & Monk of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

 

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1 minute ago, shaar said:

 

Very much textbook non-binary here :)

 

I revel in the freedom of it but I can also see where it would be VERY !!!!!!!! to someone... Like... It's a big thing to realize. I've been NB for decades, before I even knew it was a 'thing', so for me to find out there was a name for this existence I've been living was really refreshing! IMHO it may just take time to let the concept settle in your brain and become used to/comfy with it.

 

Thanks for answering Shaar. Really appreciate that. xx

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Ofc! I'll chat gender anytime. ^^ I'm on my phone RN so kinda not super present but I hope you feel a little better!!

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Tell me, if you had the strength to take another step, could you do it?

Level ?? Bard & Monk of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

 

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18 hours ago, shaar said:

Ofc! I'll chat gender anytime. ^^ I'm on my phone RN so kinda not super present but I hope you feel a little better!!

 

Thank you! Yes hope NY is going well :) x

 

13 hours ago, Miaulin said:

*sends hugs* all i really have to offer on this subject is allllll the love and respect and well-wishings for you while you explore this! 

 

Thanks so much Mia... <3 x

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Morning all. its 10 am Monday morning. Thanks to Shaar and Mia for being there yesterday when i needed them. Apart from the one friend who kind of dismissed my emotions, three other close friends were very comforting and let me talk about how i felt. 

 

I do feel worn out, emotionally. I havent cried for a while and so much crying yesterday is tiring!! I can feel myself slipping in to depression, which is worrying. Especially as im so busy, and have Venice again on Friday :( Feeling ungrateful. Wanting to cancel the plans and sleep all day/every day. 

 

But this afternoon, I have said i will drive to my friends in Sheffield. To see her and her new baby. Im sort of worrying about it. Because shes very 'normal' and has bought a house with her partner, has a baby, has a stable job...when i see her i start to criticise my own lifestyle, and especially with the non binary stuff going around lately, im worried ill feel worse!!!? Anyway, ill set off in about an hour and a half. 

 

x

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I think everyone, regardless of their situation, can find something to envy about somebody else, so comparison rarely works out so well. Humans aren't meant to all fit one mold - we all have different dispositions and talents and personalities and this-and-that-and-that-and-this for a reason, i think. Religious beliefs or lack thereof aside, it still applies. If we were all the exact same, and inclined to the same things, the world could hardly run.

 

So it seems to me, what do you want? It isn't too late to chase what you want - there is no objectively 'wrong' choice. What do you want from life, mon ami? Not even necessarily in a completely big-picture way but, what does your ideal situation look like, that would make you feel good? Nevermind what that looks like for anyone else - nobody else is Sal/Liz, and nobody's Life Well Lived is ever going to look the same.

 

Also! What are some things you do like about yourself? Because i love how you keep getting back up and trying again, your creativity, your art, the way you put everything together organizing your gigs and BrokenGreyWires, your adventurous spirit with taking the leap to get the car and travel around, your kindness, your willingness and ability to self-reflect. Depression is a brutal beast to live with, but you do it every day and you still keep pushing for your goals. That's something to be proud of and hold onto, friend.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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2 hours ago, Miaulin said:

Also! What are some things you do like about yourself? Because i love how you keep getting back up and trying again, your creativity, your art, the way you put everything together organizing your gigs and BrokenGreyWires, your adventurous spirit with taking the leap to get the car and travel around, your kindness, your willingness and ability to self-reflect

This! I agree with Miaulin!
Be proud of it!

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6 hours ago, Miaulin said:

 

So it seems to me, what do you want? It isn't too late to chase what you want - there is no objectively 'wrong' choice. What do you want from life, mon ami? Not even necessarily in a completely big-picture way but, what does your ideal situation look like, that would make you feel good? Nevermind what that looks like for anyone else - nobody else is Sal/Liz, and nobody's Life Well Lived is ever going to look the same.

 

 

Hey ! hmmm good question. I think i want a few things from life....to feel good about life...

 

- Balance, be able to work hard and play hard.

- Love, for myself and for others.

- Career, be successful at what i do. 

- Be comfortable being who i am!

 

6 hours ago, Miaulin said:

 

Also! What are some things you do like about yourself? Because i love how you keep getting back up and trying again, your creativity, your art, the way you put everything together organizing your gigs and BrokenGreyWires, your adventurous spirit with taking the leap to get the car and travel around, your kindness, your willingness and ability to self-reflect. Depression is a brutal beast to live with, but you do it every day and you still keep pushing for your goals. That's something to be proud of and hold onto, friend.

 

Thank you so much! Thats so kind Mia. xx

 

I think i like my generous spirit, my kindness, my creativity, and yes, the fact i keep getting back up and trying again. 

 

4 hours ago, jcmgm said:

This! I agree with Miaulin!
Be proud of it!

 

Thanks JC xx

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Hey i am home now....I drove on the motorway, first time ever can you believe?? Scary but also totally fine. 

 

I cooked risotto for me and my friend which was tasty.

 

It was really nice to see her, and her baby is adorable and really good! I held her for a little while too. Im tired now. Ste is in Milton Keynes at his sisters, so im home alone tonight. 

 

OK some thoughts bout my gender, i was thinking on the drive home...Im extremely sensitive, in that i feel things so intensely. My emotions are never really on a level, i'm either really happy and content and overwhelmingly so...or i'm in a dark place. Anyway....i feel my sensitivity is having a negative impact on this...needing to know who i am. When really, why does that matter. 

 

I suppose that non binary people wake up some mornings and want to be feminine, and other days they would rather be masculine? sometimes even neither? I am trying to research more into non binary and see if it resonates with me. To those content with their non binary status, it doesn't MATTER their identity, they choose it day to day/week by week?! 

 

When i was a teenager, i wanted to be a boy so much. Boys seem to have it so much easier than us. More respect etc. I 'grew out' of that phase, and i do love being a woman. I want to wear red lipstick and hoop earrings and skirts and sometimes i like wearing dresses. But i also want to wear a suit and tie, and slick my hair back HAHAHA ugh. 

 

In therapy, last week, we discussed me being an artist and how i sometimes wish i was 'normal'. In conclusion to the session, he said how it is ok if i am a bit strange, its ok to be a bit weird, which artists arent? He said to embrace myself and everything about me. (he actually told me how great he thinks i am) obviously, as i hate myself, its hard to believe him but hey ho. Im getting better at accepting compliments ahhahah 

 

Basically, yes maybe being like this is an extension of my artistic values?! Im bipolar, bisexual and bi-binary HA. 

 

Maybe ill just go buy a suit. Fuck it. xx

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Hi there. Feeling a bit all over the place today. I went for a short walk around the block earlier on today. (its 1.30pm now) helped a little but now i have a headache :o 

 

Probably not had enough water. 

 

Ive been listening to a lot of girl bands last night and all today, punk kinda alternative stuff. Like Camp Cope (my faves) Middle Kids, Kate Nash, Lets Eat Grandma.....amazing and empowering. Actually makes me want to get out and FUCK SHIT UP. 

 

Anyway ahaha im sleepy but singing along. 

 

Im waiting for my tie to arrive...a suit jacket just arrived for me. So maybe ill try it all on later and take a photo. You can tell me if i look like an idiot. haha

 

I definitely feel sort of like a boy today and wish my face was thin so i could slick my hair back...i look so awful and fat. 

 

Ok i better get some water, and water the poor tomato plant too !!!! x

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20 hours ago, Salinger said:

needing to know who i am. When really, why does that matter. 

It shouldn't matter but it does. I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing and I can really only speak to myself and my own struggles with defining my sexuality (or lack thereof). I know for me it is important to understand what I am about since I seem to be so far outside of the norm (I certainly feel that way) that understanding myself was an important step for accepting myself. 

 

If it feels right for you to be fluid then explore it.

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9 minutes ago, jonfirestar said:

It shouldn't matter but it does. I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing and I can really only speak to myself and my own struggles with defining my sexuality (or lack thereof). I know for me it is important to understand what I am about since I seem to be so far outside of the norm (I certainly feel that way) that understanding myself was an important step for accepting myself. 

 

If it feels right for you to be fluid then explore it.

 

I agree Jon, it does matter, alot to me too. 

 

I am unsure how to explore the fluidity? Perhaps dressing the way i want to is a first step.... xx

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9 minutes ago, Salinger said:

I am unsure how to explore the fluidity? Perhaps dressing the way i want to is a first step.... xx

I've got no idea tbh but I think dressing how you want to is a good step. 

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2019 Roadmap

Spoiler

 

" Always aim for something stupidly crazy." - Charlie Quinn

2019 Races: Cliveden MTR 06/01 | Nuts Challenge 02/03 | Reading Half Marathon 17/03 | W.A.R 27/04 | RRDW 11/05 | Nuclear Oblivion 19/05 | Man vs Lakes 20/07 | Spartan Trifecta Weekend 05-06/10 | OCRWC 11-13/10

 

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Maaaaaan there's so much I could unpack here; let me get to the airport later this afternoon when I have more time and I'd love to chat more about this~

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Tell me, if you had the strength to take another step, could you do it?

Level ?? Bard & Monk of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

 

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On 5/26/2019 at 7:01 AM, Salinger said:

I love wearing skirts/lipstick/earrings etc girly stuff. BUT i also want to wear suits and a tie and be a boy! Its starting to stress me out. Maybe im unhappy because im scared to be my true self?? Can you be both feminine and masculine??

Yes! Absolutely yes. I feel like this all the time. Maybe less like "I want to be a boy" and more "I want to be gender neutral and be an ambiguous androgynous being," but it's similar. 

 

On 5/27/2019 at 8:36 AM, Miaulin said:

I think everyone, regardless of their situation, can find something to envy about somebody else, so comparison rarely works out so well. Humans aren't meant to all fit one mold - we all have different dispositions and talents and personalities and this-and-that-and-that-and-this for a reason, i think. Religious beliefs or lack thereof aside, it still applies. If we were all the exact same, and inclined to the same things, the world could hardly run.

 

So it seems to me, what do you want? It isn't too late to chase what you want - there is no objectively 'wrong' choice. What do you want from life, mon ami? Not even necessarily in a completely big-picture way but, what does your ideal situation look like, that would make you feel good? Nevermind what that looks like for anyone else - nobody else is Sal/Liz, and nobody's Life Well Lived is ever going to look the same.

 

Also! What are some things you do like about yourself? Because i love how you keep getting back up and trying again, your creativity, your art, the way you put everything together organizing your gigs and BrokenGreyWires, your adventurous spirit with taking the leap to get the car and travel around, your kindness, your willingness and ability to self-reflect. Depression is a brutal beast to live with, but you do it every day and you still keep pushing for your goals. That's something to be proud of and hold onto, friend.

Echoing all of this-- something I really admire about you is that you keep fighting and pushing forward. You get back up when you fall, when a lot of other people would just give up. You're amazing for always pushing forward and seeking self-improvement. 

 

22 hours ago, Salinger said:

I suppose that non binary people wake up some mornings and want to be feminine, and other days they would rather be masculine? sometimes even neither? I am trying to research more into non binary and see if it resonates with me. To those content with their non binary status, it doesn't MATTER their identity, they choose it day to day/week by week?! 

 

When i was a teenager, i wanted to be a boy so much. Boys seem to have it so much easier than us. More respect etc. I 'grew out' of that phase, and i do love being a woman. I want to wear red lipstick and hoop earrings and skirts and sometimes i like wearing dresses. But i also want to wear a suit and tie, and slick my hair back HAHAHA ugh. 

 

In therapy, last week, we discussed me being an artist and how i sometimes wish i was 'normal'. In conclusion to the session, he said how it is ok if i am a bit strange, its ok to be a bit weird, which artists arent? He said to embrace myself and everything about me. (he actually told me how great he thinks i am) obviously, as i hate myself, its hard to believe him but hey ho. Im getting better at accepting compliments ahhahah 

 

Basically, yes maybe being like this is an extension of my artistic values?! Im bipolar, bisexual and bi-binary HA. 

 

Maybe ill just go buy a suit. Fuck it. xx

I'm still figuring out the NB stuff myself. But from what I've learned from other people and read, it's whatever you want it to be, as long as you don't feel like you're any one particular gender! You can identify with both, neither, or some combination thereof! There are days when I definitely feel like a woman, and days when I wake up and go "gender is a lie invented by the patriarchy" and both. are. good. And whatever you feel like, that's good too. 

 

6 minutes ago, Salinger said:

My suit jacket and ties arrived....

 

61255196_350565618981623_8218438840226938880_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=97c3d89e592e658ce983b2f99c753cd5&oe=5D9CDB64

 

61163587_380852702777492_266397047341449216_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=7519cc614dcea035ffa19a3ca40d3b8a&oe=5D9DF60D

YOU LOOK SO DAPPER!!!

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in that first one especially you straight-up look like a moviestar and i'm not even exaggerating. goodness gracious Sal you are ROCKING that suit

 

and i fully agree about dressing how you want- absolutely go for it honestly? clothes are not inherently gendered anyway, most of the 'rules' about them are just humans being silly. everyone of all genders should be free to just dress how they want without conforming to somebody else's idea of what they 'should' be wearing.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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On 5/26/2019 at 5:01 AM, Salinger said:

Maybe im unhappy because im scared to be my true self?? 

 

Be true to yourself, everyone else can heck off....

 

On 5/27/2019 at 3:04 AM, Salinger said:

with the non binary stuff going around lately, 

 

You make it sound like a bug...... :P 

I personally feel like a girl, and want to be one (good thing I happen to be one, I guess).  But if I wanted to rock a suit, I would, either way.  I can’t say I understand the non binary stuff, but be who you want, when you want.  Wear your suit with the red lipstick for goodness sake, why not.  Take it day by day.  In one respect, I agree with your friend.  Live your life and be happy.  But, she should have listened at least.  Perhaps she’s struggling with something as well......

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