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Teros 54: Phoenix Begins


Teros

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The past few challenges, I was trying to recap all of my previous challenges in an attempt to wrap up the entire timeline since I've been here.  But in actuality, there's only a few that I would consider to be life-altering and I'm revisiting one of them:

 

 

 

 

 

After that challenge, I made huge strides. It felt like I was finally free and was able to turn into a different person.  I was losing weight, got my first piercing, my first tattoo, started MMA batman lessons, cut my hair (of 4 years), and more.  I had met a bunch of people from NF in person where I was welcomed and unconditionally loved as Teros.  I beat a Spartan race with them all and had a life-changing weekend that then sparked the ending of an emotionally abusive 12-year relationship.  Nine months later and this Phoenix Challenge started, as my ex finally moved out and I purged my entire life.

 

However, I'm not a man to rest on my laurels.  This was back in August of 2015, mere WEEKS before school started.  And as school turned from weeks into months, my motivation waned.  My passion started to fizzle.  The past dozen (or maybe 2 dozen) challenges have royally sucked and it's because I wasn't able to put any time or effort in myself: instead just trying to survive work, going to classes, being at an internship, and banging out homework assignments.  I also, went above and beyond in my internship and did extra hours.  I suppose, what I should do right now, is recap what has happened from this Project Phoenix challenge back in '15 to today.  Notable things:

 

-I started and completed my Master's in Social Work degree

 

-I fell in love with a woman who I felt was my soul mate: she got cancer, she disappeared from my life for years, then slowly started to come back.  Now I harbor mixed feelings and uncertainty.
 

-I started going on a dating website to make friends and in the process had a slew of disasters.  Some notables: Muse, Deanne, Jenny, Christine.  I feel calloused and closed off between the above thing happening and these other women showing up, fucking with my mind, and then leaving.

 

-I had 5 family pets die.

 

-My mom died.

 

-My entire social circle was created and then destroyed.

 

-I gained back 120 pounds.

 

I, in essence, sacrificed all my progress through NF and weight loss in order to pursue this degree.  So despite this being my 54th challenge, I'm also at a point where I'm starting back at square one, which is why I need to admit how much I gained back.

 

And I'm making a vow that I'm going to get rid of it again.

 

With my mom's death, years at school, casually dating, and my social circle being a clusterfuck, my entire environment has been what I can only describe as....been corrupted.

 

So it's time to burn it down again.

 

I was spending 12+ hours a week in classes, 16+ hours a week in internship, and 10+ hours a week with homework, meaning a grand total of at least 38+ hours was spent on something that I fucking hated but knew I needed to get through.  That's a full-time job that I was doing n addition my *actual* job already.  My eating slacked.  I binged junk food.  I got horrible sleep.  My anxiety and depression were running wild.  My energy was non-existent.

 

Part of me wants to beat myself up over this: that I shouldn't have let it happen.  But you also factor in how goddamn lonely I was, the shitshows from dating, and the death, and you have a complete shitstorm that kept me away from where I should have been all along:

 

 

You, all of you.  Anyone who reads this and has ever been here or will ever be here has imbued something in me that I refuse to lose, which is why although I barely said jack shit for these past couple of years for challenges, I never missed a single one.  With this full-time job amount of time suddenly back in my life and the constant anxiety eating away at me, I can finally get back to what I was doing:

 

PROJECT PHOENIX

 

You see, I never finished it - I only started it.  What I was writing about for that challenge and the next couple was a long-term plan that was supposed to take roughly 2 years but as I've stated, I fell off the bandwagon hardcore.  It's time to dust myself off and start moving forward.

 

So what am I doing for this challenge? I've talked a bunch about the past but what is the next step to get my shit together once and for all?

 

1) Whole 30 - I feel like a broken record because this was my goal for literally years but the fact is, I haven't been able to stick to one the entire time I was in school so it's time to actually fucking finish one, and another, and another.  Hardest part is the first week which is technically uh, today, so let's just say today, May 20th, is Day 1 of 30.

 

2) Workouts - 3x week.  I am including various cleaning projects as counting towards a workout because....

 

3) Purge - My mom was a hoarder and with me living here and my sister still miserable and reminiscing about my mom (they had a good relationship....I didn't) so the bulk of getting shit done is falling on me.  I will be uploading before and after photos as I go along.  I have already started this for about a week so I have a ton to show as I make progress with this.

 

4) NF Consistency - My complete lack of regular posting on here has made me writing suffer.  What would happen is the more I neglected it, the more I felt I needed to write the next time; meaning it become a constant stressor just to come on here and talk about what happened the past couple of days.  With the other stressors I was dealing with, I couldn't really add another one but with a bunch of free hours; now I can.  I don't know what metric I should give.  Maybe posting 3x week on here?  I have to force myself a few times until I get into a rhythm and then I can start checking in on other people as regular NF use becomes more ingrained in my life.

 

5) Art - After spending YEARS of

image.png

 

I need to have some sort of play.  My default 'play' these couple of years have been fooling around with women, eating junk food, and binge-watching youtube, and that shit is about to get seriously curbed.  I want to make time for myself to create something.  I haven't decided if I want to start writing Bellmyst or if I want to paint, or do something with paper mache but those are the three that I'm leaning most towards.

 

6) NoTube - I'm cutting out youtube.  This is extremely difficult for me.  It's an addiction and it's one that also pairs with binge-eating so if I'm going to do whole30 and not eat piles of garbage, I also need to cut out the activity that is sort of co-dependent on it.  I will use youtube for MUSIC and a FALL-ASLEEP MOVIE.  Besides that, I might want to post a clip from youtube in one of my posts but guess what? Youtube recommends all sorts of other shit and one random search to find a clip from Fight Club turns into 4 hours of watching BrutalMoose or RedLetterMedia.  I can't can't can't CAN'T fucking do that anymore so I think I need to cut it out cold-turkey.  When I load music, it gives me music recommendations through youtube so I don't have to worry about being tempted.  As for the fall-asleep movie, I'm thinking I'm going to post a list of possible movies to watch as embedding links in this post so all I need to do it come on NF to click a movie.  Actually, let me do that right now:

 

1) The Phantom Planet

 

2) Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders

 

3) Space Mutiny

 

4) Girl in Gold Boots:

 

5) Legend of Boggy Creek 2: The Legend Continues

 

Give them a watch if you want. They're fucking great.  That seems like enough for now.  I tend to watch the same movie a few nights in a row and pass out within minutes because I know these movies by heart so it gives my brain something to focus on that I already know.  It stops my mind from wandering.  I can usually figure out when I fall asleep by what I remember happening in the movie.  For instance, in the Legend of Boggy Creek 2, I might remember the bathroom flashback.  Or I might not remember when the kid was told to do a pushup.  If I don't remember them leaving to buy a box of shotgun shells, I know I passed out pretty quickly.

 

For those who have checked on me these past couple of years: thank you.  It's been extremely rough and like I said before; I feel like I'm starting back at square one but I know what I'm worth and it's time to fucking prove it.

 

-Teros

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Here again for this one

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HUNTER OF ALL THINGS SHINY

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Well done getting that degree out of the way. Have fun taking your life back. I'll be right here.

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Let’s rock’n’roll. 

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Adventurer, Half-Dwarf Chaotic-Good Paladin

Ne me dites jamais les chances!  ¡Nunca me digas las probabilidades!

Character Sheet Training Logs Challenges Prepping for Adventure PrepAdventure Prep Fall BabyWhen Are We Again, Anyway?WhirlwindThe Leaf's LocusHarnessing Hamingja New Roots More Beginnings, More Roots Cleaning Up Facing The Hailstorm Yo Ho Yo The... Keto Life For Me? Taming the Beast Another Step Towards the Future Baking, Suburban Homesteading, and Health, The Adventurers of the Lucky Vale IIIIIIIVVVI, VII VIIIIX

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Perennial goals: Sleep 7+ hours a night, retain (and continue to learn) French and Spanish as a family, increase Spanish Proficiency for work and play,  read like a maniac on my own and with my kids, carry heavy stuff

Long term goals: Cut to 13-15% bodyfat, And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a baaaaarge! -> Someday I'll challenge a Disney world Gaston to a push up contest and win

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Teros, I am sorry to hear about your Mom's passing. I must have missed it. It's good to see you coming back with that old passion. I believe you will do this again. You will do this again. Anything is possible. I came back to Nerd Fitness in January 2018 back up to 365 lbs. At the end of the year, I was at 256 lbs. I got back into running, and no I can run 5Ks. 

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Following.

 

I can definitely sympathize with how school/work can eat your life and make you lose progress and forget about really taking care of yourself. But throw a few other tragedies on that fire and... damn. Congrats to you for getting through it.

 

And replacing screen time for creative activities did me a lot of good in the past couple years.

 

Good luck.

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Level 3, Rebel

Currtent Challenge
Previously known as: Curl Brogo, Darwins_Demon, Vincent Van Bro

2020 Respawn Battle Log || Tarly's Ten Level Nutrition Plan

My Fitness Pal Profile || NF Epic Quest Character Page || Instagram

Weight Loss Quest: Start 270 lbs., Goal 199 lbs., Current 270 lbs., Waist: ,45.0 in., Bodyfat%: 33%

 

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I love your determination and drive. I am also super glad you are seeking out balance as you reclaim your life; Having a creative outlet takes away some of the drudgery of the daily grind, eh? I’ll be interested to hear what you think about whole 30. I lost 15 pounds doing it, but ended up quitting at day 26 because I was miserable, I lacked energy, and had a bad reaction to coconut oil. But my cousin loved it and thrived! I hope you have a similar experience as she did. 

 

You totally got this. 

 

 

 

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Thank you all for the support.  I'm exhausted.  I have a list of places and a schedule of what I need to do with this massive purge-cleaning.  This will take up most of my free time until I'm in the final phase:

 

Rooms - Living Room, Kitchen, Dining Room, Hallway, Deck, Bathroom, Side-Room, Mom's Room.

 

1 - Wash all of my mom's laundry (30+ loads).

2 - Pack all the clothes into the bureaus.

3 - Start pack-sorting the Deck - One blue container will be for papers.  One container will be for items.  Throw away any trash.

4 - Pack-Sort the Living Room

5 - Move sister's food storage out of the Side-Room.

6 - Dedicate the Side-Room for mom's stuff.  Dedicate mom's room for furniture.

7 - Pack-sort the bathroom.

8 - Pack-sort the kitchen.

9 - Pack-sort the dining room.

10 - Pack-sort the side-room.

11 - *Tough* Pack-sort mom's' room.

12 - Once all rooms have been packed and sorted, start to pull all furniture out of the side-room and fill the room with boxed mom-stuff.

13 - Vacuum.

14 - Move all the furniture to mom's room.

15 - Bag all of the clothes to get donated.

16 - Floor cleanup - Sweep the deck, kitchen, bathroom.  Swiffer wetjet the deck, kitchen, bathroom.

17  - Vacuum living room, dining room, hallway.

18 - Rent a rug doctor and steam-clean the living room, dining room, hallway.

19 - After sister goes through mom's stuff that I already pack-sorted, steam-clean the side-room.

20 - After furniture gets posted and sold, steam-clean mom's room.

21 - Dishes.....so many dishes....

22 - Wash the kitchen counters.

23 - Wash the bathroom counter.

24 - Pack away all the bathroom supplies.

25 - Sort all the bottles of cleaners and chemicals.

26 - Wash the walls.

---

Final Phase:

27 - Paint the living room.

28 - Paint the kitchen.

29 - Paint the dining room.

30 - Paint the hallway.

31 - Paint the deck.

32 - Move furniture to living room.

33 - Move furniture to dining room.

33 - Move art supplies to deck.

34 - Move sister's pantry crap to her side.

35 - Decorate.

36 - Decide what to do with side-room.

37 - Decide what to do with mom's room.

 

---

So that's what is happening during this challenge. I will be in the final phase before the end of the challenge.  I've started some of these but I need to balance doing this with the amount of pain I'm in.  Cleaning, packing, and moving stuff solo is extremely physically taxing and kind of mentally taxing too.  Just because I don't have school doesn't mean I'm not working 2 part-time jobs currently so I need to juggle this during the challenge.  With the kitchen getting cleaned out (kitchen and bathroom are higher priority), I'll be able to use this place. My mom got a new stove about 3 year ago and never used it.  You'll....see by the pictures I upload exactly why she didn't use it.

 

So far whole30 is extremely tough.  I have no energy to speak of.  I also didn't sleep Monday night - not getting to bed until about 1:30am.

 

There's also a mouse in the house.  I had to sleep elsewhere while this is going on.  This motherfucking mouse is ballsy.  I was sitting in my chair and he snuck around the corner of the room, crawled up the love-seat and went through my pile of clothes, and then was on top of the love seat which was about 2 feet away from me.  I saw him and yelled and he freaked out and jumped at least a foot straight up in the air.  Needless to say, I can't deal with a fucking mouse crawling on me and peeing and shitting on things.  I'm getting a humane mouse trap today so I'll be setting that up between jobs.  Fingers crossed that he gets caught while I'm at work tonight so I can fucking get some sleep.  I'm going to have time this weekend to start posting the "Before" photos of this massive cleaning and purging project.

 

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This is going to be a tough experience, and a very worth while one. I hope at some point in the process you get the chance to have a bonfire of stuff (even if it's not everything) that can't be donated and is unwanted.

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52,53,54

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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Again sorry to hear of the lost energy.

 

Know the feeling of a mouse problem...

 

Story time:

 my boyfriend's apartment building has several. Soon as it got warm they were running around like they owned the place. He didn't care because they are nothing like Nigerian mice/rats, but I lost it when I found out they were going on the beds and funiture.... They somehow are scared off now, but I have no idea how to deal.

 

May you catch this one easily

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 Personfied/Comissioned Druid Avatar by EzratheButt

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That’s one heck of a list. 

 

If you lived close, I’d let you borrow my mousing cat. He’s 100% effective within about 24 hours. 

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Adventurer, Half-Dwarf Chaotic-Good Paladin

Ne me dites jamais les chances!  ¡Nunca me digas las probabilidades!

Character Sheet Training Logs Challenges Prepping for Adventure PrepAdventure Prep Fall BabyWhen Are We Again, Anyway?WhirlwindThe Leaf's LocusHarnessing Hamingja New Roots More Beginnings, More Roots Cleaning Up Facing The Hailstorm Yo Ho Yo The... Keto Life For Me? Taming the Beast Another Step Towards the Future Baking, Suburban Homesteading, and Health, The Adventurers of the Lucky Vale IIIIIIIVVVI, VII VIIIIX

Spoiler

Perennial goals: Sleep 7+ hours a night, retain (and continue to learn) French and Spanish as a family, increase Spanish Proficiency for work and play,  read like a maniac on my own and with my kids, carry heavy stuff

Long term goals: Cut to 13-15% bodyfat, And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a baaaaarge! -> Someday I'll challenge a Disney world Gaston to a push up contest and win

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12 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

This is going to be a tough experience, and a very worth while one. I hope at some point in the process you get the chance to have a bonfire of stuff (even if it's not everything) that can't be donated and is unwanted.

We got a dumpster when we cleaned out my grandfathers house. Equally satisfying. :D

 

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That's one hell of a list my friend...here's to finding life on the other side of school!

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RES...and I want to live days worth dying for...

Current: RES: CUTE 2021 - cute is consistent

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Growth happens when you care more about the well being of your future self than the comfort of your present self!

"Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery. But weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is." -Yoda

 

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Taking a break from this project to post some updates.  I'm making really really good progress.  I think I'll use the original post and cross out stuff I got done:

 

On 5/22/2019 at 6:31 AM, Teros said:

1 - Wash all of my mom's laundry (30+ loads).

2 - Pack all the clothes into the bureaus.

3 - Start pack-sorting the Deck - One blue container will be for papers.  One container will be for items.  Throw away any trash.

4 - Pack-Sort the Living Room

5 - Move sister's food storage out of the Side-Room.

6 - Dedicate the Side-Room for mom's stuff.  Dedicate mom's room for furniture.

7 - Pack-sort the bathroom.

8 - Pack-sort the kitchen.

9 - Pack-sort the dining room.

10 - Pack-sort the side-room.

11 - *Tough* Pack-sort mom's' room.

12 - Once all rooms have been packed and sorted, start to pull all furniture out of the side-room and fill the room with boxed mom-stuff.

13 - Vacuum.

14 - Move all the furniture to mom's room.

15 - Bag all of the clothes to get donated.

16 - Floor cleanup - Sweep the deck, kitchen, bathroom.  Swiffer wetjet the deck, kitchen, bathroom.

17  - Vacuum living room, dining room, hallway.

18 - Rent a rug doctor and steam-clean the living room, dining room, hallway.

19 - After sister goes through mom's stuff that I already pack-sorted, steam-clean the side-room.

20 - After furniture gets posted and sold, steam-clean mom's room.

21 - Dishes.....so many dishes....

22 - Wash the kitchen counters.

23 - Wash the bathroom counter.

24 - Pack away all the bathroom supplies.

25 - Sort all the bottles of cleaners and chemicals.

26 - Wash the walls.

---

Final Phase:

27 - Paint the living room.

28 - Paint the kitchen.

29 - Paint the dining room.

30 - Paint the hallway.

31 - Paint the deck.

32 - Move furniture to living room.

33 - Move furniture to dining room.

33 - Move art supplies to deck.

34 - Move sister's pantry crap to her side.

35 - Decorate.

36 - Decide what to do with side-room.

37 - Decide what to do with mom's room.

 

This is roughly 3 weeks of me getting through this when I'm not working my 2 jobs.  A few of these things are almost done and I'll be trying to consolidate what needs to be done.  I'm sort of all over the place because I'm categorizing stuff and once I make some progress, I need to undo some of it in order to continue.  For example, I need to move boxes from Room#1 into Room#2 so I can finish sorting out some of the crap in Room#1.  Then once I've done what I need to do in Room#1, I need to move the Room#2 stuff there and work on Room#2.  It sounds inefficient but it's not considering the working space I have the the sheer volume of crap I have to deal with.  Sadly, it's a warm day out

 

 

I originally intended to post this over the weekend but I've been putting in 7+ hours each day that I have off to getting this shit done.  Not really an excuse to not post on here but if I have the option of doing more dishes or posting about how I still have dishes to do: I end up just doing more dishes.

 

Here's where each room is at right now, roughly:

 

-Living Room- EMPTY with the exception of the dining room table.  My sister is supposed to wash the table off and then we're swapping dining room sets.

 

-Dining Room- EMPTY with the exception of the hutch.  I was washing and packing crystal for literally hours yesterday and the whole multi-shelf massive glass hutch is empty, with the 5 boxes of glassware stored in the 'side room'.

 

-Kitchen- ALMOST FINISHED.  All of the dishes are either packed away, thrown away, or washed and put away to be used.  Only exception is I need to sweep out the under-sink area and I need to wash the tray of utensils.

 

-Bathroom- ALMOST FINISHED.  I've put everything that needs to pack away in there.  I organized all the cleaners and those are under the sink.  I have stacks and stacks of tissues and toilet paper that my mom hoarded all stuffed into the closet from floor to ceiling.  I just need to put some towels away besides general cleanup.

 

-Hallway- DONE.  There wasn't much to do here except to empty the area.  As I was moving things from room to room, the hallway would get stuffed up and be used as an intermediary holding spot for certain things.  It's all empty now though.

 

-Deck- ALMOST FINISHED.  I currently have the dining room chairs there (to be swapped as I stated in the Dining room section) and I have 3 boxes of my sister's food that she would just leave here as some sort of fucking backup pantry because she can't clean up her side.

 

-Side Room- FULL.  The whole plan here was to make this room hold all of the 'stuff' that my mom had.  Random papers, christmas decorations, various things that I don't need or want.  It's all been loosely packed up and stacked along the walls.  As my sister is able to handle it, a box gets brought over to her side to go through it, reminisce for hours, and then repack most of it away and do with it however she wants.  If she wants to keep all of this crap: fine.  But it's going to go on HER side.

 

-Mom's Room- FULL.  The only things in here are furniture pieces that my sister wants to try and sell.  Seeing as how my uncle doesn't want the bed or the bureau, those are going to donated, as well as a shelving unit.  Also it was decided a rocking chair should be thrown out.  My sister wants one or maybe 2 of the other bureau so she'll take those.....at some point.  That leaves the entertainment center, some old lamps, an oriental desk, and some endtables along the walls.  My brother-in-law is supposed to take pictures and upload them on facebook and see if they can get sold off for a few bucks.  If not (which I'm assuming) they will eventually get donated.

 

---

So with that figured out, I have a smaller thing to do in each room and then general cleaning of the floors and walls.  The overwhelming bulk of this shit is DONE.  I'm waiting for my sister to wash that table so we can do the table swap.  Then I need my bro-in-law's help moving the hutch.  I'm figuring I can stuff the new dining table in the kitchen while I steam clean the rugs like 3 times this upcoming weekend.

 

---

 

Food: Pretty solid.  My fuckups are dramatically less frequent and less severe.  Some grated cheese on a quiche? It's not whole30 but it's also the equivalent of a spoonful of cheese.  A glass of milk.  Etc.  While I won't count what I've done as a 'true' whole30 - I can totally tell that I feel better physically and mentally.

 

---

 

In other news, I ended things with Wally.  She was a sweetheart and I feel like a fucking asshole for doing it; but I saw the issues that probably weren't going to get resolved.  She wanted better for me and while I commended that, it came off like she was bossing me around and telling me what to do.  She wasn't open with how she felt and she also seemed to be confused about what she wanted physically.  These things along with her extreme extroversion became really draining for me.  It felt like I had to be way more supportive of her than she was for me.  I felt this....pressure to try and put myself out there more with her and honestly, I didn't want to.  I told her that I wanted to be friends but considering she's said about 4 sentences to me in the past week, I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.

 

I...probably don't have enough time to write about my feelings of Lyn and what's going on there.  She hasn't said anything to me in 3 weeks and I fear the worst and that something happened to her.  When last I talked to her, she brought up healing up from the blood clots in her lungs and needing injections from the really bad bronchitis that she had and it's been radio silence since.  I've message a couple of times and I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that she died or something.  I don't honestly even want to write that, but now it's out in the open.  Between ending things with Wally, Lyn being silent, and a conversation I had with someone; I feel extremely alone.

 

I'm working a double today so I got out of work this morning, showered and ate whole30, and then figured I needed to write on here.  I need to get ready in a couple minutes and then head to the evening job.

 

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You've done a heck of a lot of work. Way to go.

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Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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You're not alone, okay?

 

I really hope your friend is okay and not dead. 

 

And you know, some relationships don't work. Maybe there's nothing wrong with the person, but they aren't the person for you. I think that while every relationship requires work and isn't easy, the good ones seem to be the ones where in general they're boosting each other up and helping the other be better, not making their person feel like their not meeting their expectations and failing somehow

 

I've cleaned two houses and one apartment after a person has passed away. It's SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS.  You got this. You know why?

 

You're not alone** :)

 

With two jobs and this monster list with teeth, I'd definitely schedule some time for fun, and if that sounds like it's too hard or impossible, then it's a fun emergency and I'm ordering* you to go have FUN dammit, because the dishes don't really give a shit if they're done today or tomorrow. Take a break from the drudgery! :)   

 

 

 

 

*okay I'm not ordering you, but having cleaned both my grandparent's houses, I'm strongly suggesting you take some time to enjoy yourself.

**You're not alone. :) It bears a repeat in the footnotes :)

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4 hours ago, Teros said:

I'm making really really good progress

Yes, very much so.  Lots of things crossed off on that monster to do list there

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HUNTER OF ALL THINGS SHINY

Intro Thread    Bodyweight Exercise Library

The Arruvia Conspiracy Challenges: 1, 2, 3, 4, 567, 89, 10 

Other Challenges: 12345, 6, 7, 89, 10, 11, 1213, 14, 15 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28Mardi Gras [Current]

Level 2 Ninja

Strength: 13 Intelligence: 14 Wisdom: 6 Dexterity:14 Constitution: 12 Charisma: 11

 

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6 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

You're not alone, okay?

 

I really hope your friend is okay and not dead. 

 

And you know, some relationships don't work. Maybe there's nothing wrong with the person, but they aren't the person for you. I think that while every relationship requires work and isn't easy, the good ones seem to be the ones where in general they're boosting each other up and helping the other be better, not making their person feel like their not meeting their expectations and failing somehow

 

I've cleaned two houses and one apartment after a person has passed away. It's SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS.  You got this. You know why?

 

You're not alone** :)

 

With two jobs and this monster list with teeth, I'd definitely schedule some time for fun, and if that sounds like it's too hard or impossible, then it's a fun emergency and I'm ordering* you to go have FUN dammit, because the dishes don't really give a shit if they're done today or tomorrow. Take a break from the drudgery! :)   

 

 

 

 

*okay I'm not ordering you, but having cleaned both my grandparent's houses, I'm strongly suggesting you take some time to enjoy yourself.

**You're not alone. :) It bears a repeat in the footnotes :)

 

Seconded. 

 

I know that being alone, going it alone, and feeling alone are all three different things. I’m here if you need an ear, and I hope your friend is all right too.  Most cases have been fine, but at best it’s a terrible anxiety and at worst it’s easy to beat yourself up if something did happen. 

 

Your progress is impressive on the job. I think of you often. 

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Adventurer, Half-Dwarf Chaotic-Good Paladin

Ne me dites jamais les chances!  ¡Nunca me digas las probabilidades!

Character Sheet Training Logs Challenges Prepping for Adventure PrepAdventure Prep Fall BabyWhen Are We Again, Anyway?WhirlwindThe Leaf's LocusHarnessing Hamingja New Roots More Beginnings, More Roots Cleaning Up Facing The Hailstorm Yo Ho Yo The... Keto Life For Me? Taming the Beast Another Step Towards the Future Baking, Suburban Homesteading, and Health, The Adventurers of the Lucky Vale IIIIIIIVVVI, VII VIIIIX

Spoiler

Perennial goals: Sleep 7+ hours a night, retain (and continue to learn) French and Spanish as a family, increase Spanish Proficiency for work and play,  read like a maniac on my own and with my kids, carry heavy stuff

Long term goals: Cut to 13-15% bodyfat, And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a baaaaarge! -> Someday I'll challenge a Disney world Gaston to a push up contest and win

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I was able to finish the dishes, empty the bottom half of the hutch and wrap it all up, put more stuff in the side-room.  I needed to deal with under the sink in the kitchen because I saw a TON of mouse crap down there.  I was on my hands and knees and I noticed a board so I moved it: the wood underneath the board was warped and pitted, and inside that spot was a mouse nest.  There were about 2 dozen empty peanut shells from god-knows-when and turds IN THE THOUSANDS.  I used a wad of paper towel and sort of brushed a bunch of the shit onto a paper bag and threw it out and then threw out the board and used a fuckton of clorox wipes to clean under the sink area.  It's now crap-free.  I also packed away the extra stuff that was in the bathroom and wiped down the floor a bit.  I chucked the busted mini-toaster that was in the kitchen.  I also took down all the framed pictures off the walls.  The couple I'm keeping I stuffed in the bathroom tub (with all the other odds and ends I'm keeping) and put the other pictures in the side-room.  I also dumped all the silverware out of the drawers and into the sink.  I need to wash all that at some point but my back and feet are killing me again so I need a break. 

 

Looking around, besides washing floors/walls and the table & hutch needing to be moved, I think I'm done.  There's probably more somewhere but I'm too tired to move.   Where I'm at with the mega cleaning list:

 

On 5/22/2019 at 6:31 AM, Teros said:

1 - Wash all of my mom's laundry (30+ loads).

2 - Pack all the clothes into the bureaus.

3 - Start pack-sorting the Deck - One blue container will be for papers.  One container will be for items.  Throw away any trash.

4 - Pack-Sort the Living Room

5 - Move sister's food storage out of the Side-Room.

6 - Dedicate the Side-Room for mom's stuff.  Dedicate mom's room for furniture.

7 - Pack-sort the bathroom.

8 - Pack-sort the kitchen.

9 - Pack-sort the dining room.

10 - Pack-sort the side-room.

11 - *Tough* Pack-sort mom's' room.

12 - Once all rooms have been packed and sorted, start to pull all furniture out of the side-room and fill the room with boxed mom-stuff.

13 - Vacuum.

14 - Move all the furniture to mom's room.

15 - Bag all of the clothes to get donated.

16 - Floor cleanup - Sweep the deck, kitchen, bathroom.  Swiffer wetjet the deck, kitchen, bathroom.

17  - Vacuum living room, dining room, hallway.

18 - Rent a rug doctor and steam-clean the living room, dining room, hallway.

19 - After sister goes through mom's stuff that I already pack-sorted, steam-clean the side-room.

20 - After furniture gets posted and sold, steam-clean mom's room.

21 - Dishes.....so many dishes....

22 - Wash the kitchen counters.

23 - Wash the bathroom counter.

24 - Pack away all the bathroom supplies.

25 - Sort all the bottles of cleaners and chemicals.

26 - Wash the walls.

---

Final Phase:

27 - Paint the living room.

28 - Paint the kitchen.

29 - Paint the dining room.

30 - Paint the hallway.

31 - Paint the deck.

32 - Move furniture to living room.

33 - Move furniture to dining room.

33 - Move art supplies to deck.

34 - Move sister's pantry crap to her side.

35 - Decorate.

36 - Decide what to do with side-room.

37 - Decide what to do with mom's room.

 

I was able to do the dining room table swap which wasn't even listed on there, and neither have been the new projects of things that I started and finished so this isn't even an exhaustive list of everything I've done.

 

Saturday, I'm moving the hutch and then I'm sweeping, vacuuming, and steam-cleaning the floors.  Then it's onto washing the walls off and then the FINAL PHASE.  #19 and #20 are going to have to wait because they are dependent on my sister getting through the rest of mom's stuff so this weekend I'm hitting the final phase.  Then comes the FUN part...

 

---

 

Lyn - Thankfully, after my weird panicking nightmare thing; I messaged her and asked if she could let me know she's ok.  She simply replied, 'I'm Fine.'   Something still doesn't seem right and hasn't for months now but I'm at a loss.

 

---

image.jpeg

 

 

So I totally should have written about this when it happened two weeks ago but it was so mind-altering that I needed some time to process it.  I did my final reflection for school and in it, I talked about how I wasn't sure what direction I should go.  I'm interested in all populations with the exception of small kids that are like under 10 years old and the elderly.  I know that my two big interests with therapy is art therapy and something related to neurobiology.  I'm fascinated by the brain and how it works.  Learning about the neurotransmitters, neuroplasticity, neurofeedback, locations in the brain for where things are processed, QEEG scans.  Fucking all of it.  Anyways, my teacher posted a note on my paper that said I should look into PeaceLove.  I had never heard of it before.  I went to their website:

 

http://peacelove.org/creators/

 

And I started to tear up.  I felt something deep within me resonate with this so much.  It felt like there was... I don't know... like a happy song inside my heart and it made me well up with emotions.  I looked into it more and how it works is, this company is a big art therapy collaborative.  You work at whatever agency and contact these people, get your agency to pay for the lessons (couple thousand bucks and a couple seminars) and then you become a PeaceLove 'Creator'.  You do at least 1 art therapy project a month with your population and you get all sorts of perks and I'm assuming some sort of art therapy certification.  The thing is, I don't work at an agency that would have the money to shell out getting me PeaceLove certified.  It became part of my resolve to learn more.  Then, by sheer fucking luck, I checked my school email and the disabilities services woman sent an email saying PeaceLove was coming to my school and she had a couple of free tickets.  FREE tickets.  They normally cost about $200 bucks.  I couldn't reply fast enough.

Image result for bruce almighty typing

 

I needed a ticket.  I NEED IT.  I shot my email and waited.  I checked back a few hours later and she told me it was first-come-first-serve and... I got one.

 

Related image

 

FUCK what are the odds of this?  I just learn about this collaboration that I heard nothing about (I had done various google searches before for art therapy and just got a list of therapists in my area) and then the email and then I got the ticket!?  FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- YES.

 

It was for Thursday: 2 Thursdays ago.  I was so nervous and excited.  Butterflies in my stomach.  I get there at 8am and the ticket is for the all-day seminar that lasts until about 4pm.  There's a swarm of people of all different ages.  I don't do well with crowds so I'm sort of hoping it's not all like this.  I people-watch for a bit and a guy around my age comes up to me.  We have a conversation.  He apparently joined this collaboration 4 years ago and loves it.  He worked with some students to build a hoverboard with a leaf blower and some other stuff.  As we're talking he tells me that he wants to do something with me.  He gets my name, email, phone number and I get all his info as well.  Fuck.  Turns out he works at The Met, which is a highschool for kids with really tough backgrounds.  Oddly enough, it was my ex's internship when she was in school right before we split.  Fingers crossed she never got a job there...

 

Anyways, I make this contact and it's pretty cool.  I end up running into a fellow MSWSO cabinent member and we chit-chat and that's when I found out about the ticket price.  We're called to the auditorium and the presentation starts.  Think of it like a series of TED Talks.  I heard the following:

 

Broadway Quartet - They sang some songs to start the show and were pretty good.  The one woman in the group had a blond pompador and a bunch of tattoos.  She was pretty and the songs were great.

 

Samantha Ramirez-Herrera - She was scheduled to be next in the line-up but she didn't show up until later.  She spoke about her struggles moving from Mexico and being an entrepreneur, filmmaker, civil rights activist, etc.

 

Abbie Stenberg - This woman was pretty young and talked about how she was an addict and now has become a peer recovery specialist and is graduating for the first time in her life.

 

Husseini Manji M.D. - This guy.... just.... I was smitten by this dude.  I could feel endorphins coursing through me as he talked.  What he was speaking about sang to me just like when I was first learning about PeaceLove.  This guy was the chief of the Laboratory of Molecular Pathophysiology & Experimental Therapeutics at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) for like 15 years.  He talked about neurobiology and explained that his research was related to being able to chart and see the neurological change in people that do various art therapies.  This... this is my fucking dream.  MY DREAM.  The two things that I would bleed for: neurobiology and the science of the brain, and art therapy; and this fucking guy was the world chief of marrying these two passions that I have.  I was squirming in my seat with excitement.  I felt chills.  I felt this euphoria wash over me in a wave.  Words can't describe the impact the 15 or so minutes of this little dude mumbling into the microphone resonated with me.  Here's a snippet from the bio from the paper I got at the event:

 

"Dr. Manji's research has helped to conceptualize severe neuropsychiatric disorders as genetically influenced disorders of synaptic and neural plasticity, and led to the investigation of the key novel therapeutics".

 

If that doesn't give you a fucking boner, I don't know what will.  That sounds like the coolest fucking shit in the goddamn universe.  As I listened, enamored with what was being said; I felt I had to somehow follow in this guy's footsteps.  Maybe not become a Dr. as well (enough of school already...) but in some way, shape, or form get introduced into something that would allow me to be involved and learn.  I'm a sponge.  I want to soak up as much as possible.  You see, with school the past few years it was all shit I already knew and had no interest in.  This?  I'll gladly take on a free internship just to rub shoulders and learn as much as I can about this stuff.  Ok enough gushing.

 

Perri Easley - A high-schooler who is spearheading crisis counceling for those in the African-American community because of the stigma related to mental health services.

 

Eric Kelly - An older man who won two Golden Glove championships and was training for the Olympics to represent America.  He took a pool cue to the face and it fucked up his vision and he spiraled downward, lost his father, and some other stuff.  He told his story about his rise, fall, and rise again to reclaim his life.

 

Dr. Kate Stone - This is a much older English woman who has a PhD in physics, where she moved electrons to become a self-proclaimed 'creative scientist'.  She uses a paint that allows bioelectricity to run through it.  Just like your phone touchscreens, the tiny amount of electrical impulse that you exert is how you move stuff on your phone.  She was able to turn that into a paint and basically paint a piano or various other soundboard onto cardboard.  This was then hooked up to a small electrical device that would then broadcast the electrical impulses as midi files through wireless bluetooth.  When you combine all these technologies, you get a piece of carboard with some painted on piano keys and a tiny diode able to play music through your goddamn phone's speakers. 

Image result for mind explode

 

Is that registering?  It's a fucking piece of cardboard with PAINT and a little electric box the size of a thumb able to play the fucking piano on your phone by tapping it.  WHAT IS THIS!?

 

She told an amusing story about how the airport thought she was bringing a bomb onto the plan but it was just this piano and another board that allowed you to play pieces of an Ed Sheeran song into a rap song and other weird little noises on cardboard that had monsters and aliens painted on it. 

 

I ran into this woman in the hallway during lunch.  I played the piano.  It was fucking amazing.

 

Then we had lunch: some chicken marsala and salad.  God it was good.

 

Next up was:

 

Mark Brand - This guy told his story about how he went from being homeless to creating 11 businesses under his belt, becoming a professional chef and running a resteraunt to feed the homeless.  He's also a professor in California and advocates for social justice.  This guy was high-octane energy and he had us all make a promise to him: to talk to someone that inspires us.  Once this cleaning is done..... I'm messaging Dr. Manji.  I feel tense even thinking of it but I have to do this.

 

Scott Sorensen - I tried so so so hard not to water my beard during this.  This young guy is special needs and he makes puppets.  His best friend for the past 20 years is also special needs and he narrated a story about whales.  Seeing these two talk pulled at my heartstrings so goddamn much.  There was something to innocent and pure about all of this.  I'm even tearing up not just writing about it.

 

Scott Stossel - He is a writer but he was the only person that was listed to show up but didn't.  Not much else to say here.

 

Tatyana Frost - <3  Adorable woman.  She talked about how she was in the software and coding IT field and her struggles being a woman and proving herself to be 'one of the guys'.  She spoke a lot about how coding for her is like art because it's like writing a language and using that to create something.

 

Devan Mulvaney - Another guy that made me tear up.  This is now 3 fucking times I've tried not to cry at this damn thing.  A young guy and singer, his mom, dad, and younger sister all died in a car crash.  He brought up how he needed music as his therapy and sang a song about what happened that fateful day.  He also mentioned the guy that was driving the other car, and how he lost his daughter.  He met the guy and in the courtroom, he forgave this other guy.  As he spoke, I wrote down a quote from him, "When you forgive someone, the baggage of anger you carry gets lighter."

 

U-Meleni Mhlaba-Abedo - A woman from Zimbabwe and a poet, author, actress, singer, and who works with (or maybe created?) Life is Good Kids Foundation.  She has world-toured and performed at a bunch of places.  She read some poetry and had the audience do some singing chants.

 

Philip Sheppard - Co-Founder of LifeScore, which is a music technology startup and an award-winning composer and virtuoso cellist.  He has written music for some 60 movies, games, and tv shows.  He did the music for Detroit: Human.  He spoke about his music and then talked about a young man who used to be part of the PeaceLove family who apparently had died recently.  He decided he would write a song dedicated to this man without any idea of what he would play.  This music....Jesus.  Make that attempt #4 to not tear up.

 

After this experience, I didn't know how to function.  I felt so overwhelmed with feelings for literally 8 hours of inspiration that I almost lost my ability to talk when I ran into the MSWSO member by the doorway.  I bought a shirt.  I had to.  Since then, it's been something in the back of my mind.  This was life-changing and like I said, I plan on contacting Dr. Manji to somehow see if there's any way I can get involved and learn about this research and contribute in some way.  I couldn't explain what I felt and the intensity I felt it until I sort of cooled off, but by then, I was plowing through all this cleaning so I never wrote about this experience but I'm glad I did now.

 

---

 

Food: Still going good.  I had some milk last night and that was it for non-w30.  Today I tried a handful of blueberry Chex.  Fuck, I need to make some blueberry pancakes soon.  By Saturday/June 1st, I'll be 100%.  I'm not craving any of this stuff; it just ended up pairing with what I was eating.  The cravings are broken....finally...  I think that posting on here is helping tremendously with keeping me accountable as well.

 

To progress:

 

Image result for leonardo gatsby gif

 

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Hutch has been packed up and moved.  Entertainment center has been moved.  I did the dining room set swap with my sister.  EVERYTHING has been moved to where it should be.  I got a Rug Dr and washed the floors 3 times.  Emptying the water was BLACK.  Not yellow-ish, not brown-ish, not gray-ish.  Fucking completely black.  Pouring it in the toilet, you couldn't see the bottom of the bowl.  I borrowed my sister's high-powered fan to dry the rest of the floor.  There are discoloration stains that I can't do anything about, but the floors are finally fucking done.  

 

The hutch and entertainment center had pics taken and my bro-in-law posted them to sell.  My sister said that if there are no bites to anything then it's going in the dumpster in about a week.  My plan is to wash the living room, hallway, and dining room walls tomorrow, get things ready to paint, and prime those rooms with 1 coat.  I also am trying to see if I can get a haircut tomorrow as well.  If I can do all the walls, priming, and haircut done tomorrow; I'll consider it a huge accomplishment.  I'm going to add other things I did to this list now:

 

On 5/22/2019 at 6:31 AM, Teros said:

1 - Wash all of my mom's laundry (30+ loads).

2 - Pack all the clothes into the bureaus.

3 - Start pack-sorting the Deck - One blue container will be for papers.  One container will be for items.  Throw away any trash.

4 - Pack-Sort the Living Room

5 - Move sister's food storage out of the Side-Room.

6 - Dedicate the Side-Room for mom's stuff.  Dedicate mom's room for furniture.

7 - Pack-sort the bathroom.

8 - Pack-sort the kitchen.

9 - Pack-sort the dining room.

10 - Pack-sort the side-room.

11 - *Tough* Pack-sort mom's' room.

12 - Once all rooms have been packed and sorted, start to pull all furniture out of the side-room and fill the room with boxed mom-stuff.

13 - Vacuum.

14 - Move all the furniture to mom's room.

15 - Bag all of the clothes to get donated.

16 - Floor cleanup - Sweep the deck, kitchen, bathroom.  Swiffer wetjet the deck, kitchen, bathroom.

17  - Vacuum living room, dining room, hallway.

18 - Rent a rug doctor and steam-clean the living room, dining room, hallway.

19 - After sister goes through mom's stuff that I already pack-sorted, steam-clean the side-room.

20 - After furniture gets posted and sold, steam-clean mom's room.

21 - Dishes.....so many dishes....

22 - Wash the kitchen counters.

23 - Wash the bathroom counter.

24 - Pack away all the bathroom supplies.

25 - Sort all the bottles of cleaners and chemicals.

26 - Wash the walls.

27 - Sweep up all the mouse crap/nest from under the kitchen sink.

28 - Wash under the kitchen sink.

29 - Take all the silverware out of the two main drawers.

30 - Wash all the silverware.

31 - Wash all the towels.

32 - Sort through all the towels and keep a set number.

33 - Donate the towels.

34 - Donate other blankets.

35 - Move all the decoration stuff into the bathroom tub.

36 - Take down all the pictures and sort them.

37 - Dining room set swap with sister.

38 - Sort all the pots and pans.

39 - Sort the medicine chest.

40 - Pick out paints for the rooms.

---

Final Phase:

41 - Paint the living room.

42 - Paint the kitchen.

43 - Paint the dining room.

44 - Paint the hallway.

45 - Paint the deck.

46 - Move furniture to living room.

47 - Move furniture to dining room.

48 - Move art supplies to deck.

49 - Move sister's pantry crap to her side.

50 - Decorate.

51 - Decide what to do with side-room.

52 - Decide what to do with mom's room.

 

This is the exhaustive list and it's time to move into the final phase and then I can start uploading pictures.  I'm so fucking tired.

 

On 5/29/2019 at 3:10 PM, Teros said:

In other news, I ended things with Wally...

...

I told her that I wanted to be friends but considering she's said about 4 sentences to me in the past week, I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.

 

Update:  She's sick which I'm guessing is why she's been quiet since she said she still wants to be friends.

---

A weird thing happened: there was only one person that actually talked to me throughout school.  She texted me, asking where I was back in early May during graduation.  I never responded.  I figured I was done with ANYONE from school: fuck everything, right?  Well, I got a text from her saying something like, "I'm glad that I met you and you helped me a lot in getting through school.'  I forget the specifics, but it was basically her telling me that she's grateful for me. I don't know why I did it, but I went full-on information dump on her.  I told her about the panic attack I had after my mom died, how I was struggling, how my old friend Sabrina ended out friendship because she was paranoid and jealous, and that I tried to make friends with dozens of classmates and it always fell flat.  I told her that I was thankful that she said that stuff to me and that she checked on me, because no one else fucking bothered.

 

It uh... started a longer conversation than I thought was going to happen.  She told me about how she also tried to make friends and was blown off like I was, and that she knew there was some falling out between Sabrina and I but she wasn't sure what.  She also mentioned that I gave off a vibe towards the end of school like I was "intimidating".  I don't know how exactly I can do that without saying anything or even really looking at people, but there you go.  She said I was a 'good soul' and wanted to check on me so anyways....hrrmmm..... we're hanging out next week.  Yep, that happened out of the blue.

Image result for shrug gif

---

 

Whole30 has started.  I've felt close to Tiger's Blood for a few days now.  I think the minor dairy 'cheats' for a bit started to wear off because I'm feeling really good.  Like peppy in a way.  Although I'm physically tired because of all the cleaning I've been doing, I don't think I could have done this if I wasn't eating better.  A mere month ago, going up the stairs was exhausting so for me to be moving furniture, scrubbing, and cleaning for hours every day and not pass out on the floor means that this healthy eating is working.

 

I've gone on a couple of picnics these past couple weekends and I love them.  It's the best of both worlds: I get to go out and people-watch and socialize; but I also get to bring food that I want.  For a person who gets bored easily and who is on a strict diet, this is perfect.

 

---

 

I never said I was perfect and I don't care how this makes me come off: I found out some fucking news that has had me ELATED.  My bestie is still facebook friends with my ex and he came over this weekend.  He told me he 'had to show [me] something'.  When we're playing Diablo3, he shows me a picture on his phone and I couldn't stop laughing.

 

My ex is balding, is fatter, and is with a really ugly woman now.  This is in combination with her also having dropped out of the master's program.  You know, the one I fucking OWNED and just graduated from.  Four years later since our split and I've beaten a couple of Spartans, finished a master's program DEBT-FREE, dated a ton of women, have jobs lined up, and I'm feeling back to myself.  What has she done in four years? Become a fugly fat failure.  (I'm breaking my youtube searching goal for a second...)

 

 

I. AM. REVELING in this.  I don't know if I turned her into playing the other side of the field, or if she was just repressed her whole life and that's the reason we did literally nothing for 12 grueling shitty long years.  IDGAF if this makes me a bad person, I am LOVING this information.  I have the patience of a saint and I love everyone in the world and want nothing but good things....except for her.  Oh God, it's GLORIOUS.  If I wasn't already motivated as fuck to kick shit into high gear with weight loss, this sure as hell did it.

 

Related image

 

 

 

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Finished priming the hallway, dining room, and living room yesterday.  Today is my double-shift for work so I basically have just enough time to type here, eat a meal, shower, and write for a little bit.

 

I have my hair appointment tomorrow and I'm a little nervous about it.  New hairstyle so I'll see how it turns out.

 

Tomorrow's plan is to get lots of little things done.  My rough mini-list:

 

-Donate the extra clothes, blankets, towels that I've gone through

-Vacuum the cellar and bedroom

-Possibly buy a new vacuum because mine overheated and stopped the other day when prepping the other floors for the rug dr

-Haircut

-Finish the last of the kitchen utencils

-Move up all my kitchen stuff to upstairs and finalize how it's all put away

-Do some edgework of the primers around the windowsills that I missed when I used the roller

-Wash blankets and bedsheet and pack the blankets away

-Take out the garbage

-Empty out the mini-fridge

-Move the water cooler upstairs

-Get another water jug

-Decide once and for all what art things I want to do.  I keep juggling back and forth with this one and don't commit to learning an instrument or whatever.  I think I'm going to restart a story that I've had in my head for a while

-I found my old Wii in my sister's basement: find wires for it and see if it works

 

I'll see how much of this I'll get done but I think it's all doable.

 

Saturday I'll start the first coat of paint in the living room.

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