Holding myself accountable

[porkkchop]

This is my first log, making a small step towards my ultimate 55kg goal.

 

I woke up nice and early this morning for a minor surgery. Doing intermittent fasting (OMAD), it’s a little relief that I can fill my day with big chunks of time where it’s not possible to eat. Admittedly when I’m up earlier there is a little dread that the day will feel like it lasts forever until I can eat, but I’ve been talking myself through all those thoughts. Food and weight has very much become a mental thing for me, and I’m working on making it feel like less of a big deal. 

 

Part of this process is recognising when I’m creating my own drama, in the mental back and forth between wanting to eat food and binge, but not being able to have it. Giving myself permission to eat whatever and whenever I want, but when I do, needing talk myself through how that will affect my goals / how it will make me feel now vs later and then making a rational decision. Moving away from the habit of frantic binges where I don’t feel like myself, feel irrational or uncontrolled like I’m going crazy after trying to ‘hold out’ for as long as possible, enduring a self inflicted torture. 

 

Bit of an emotional day yesterday my immediate though after waking up is food, but keeping in mind all the positives that will come with hitting my goal is a big reason to stay on track. 

[porkkchop]

Felt like shit waking up from surgeries. Decided not to turn down the sandwich and biscuit afterwards. 

 

Made the active decision to overeat with carbs for the rest of the day because I wanted that immediate relief. No point in beating myself up over it, I really enjoyed all the carb / sugar laden foods today, and move I want to start working towards  future enjoyment. 

 

There will always be excuses and reasons to over eat in the now, I’ve jusy got to find more reasons for the future in order to hit my goals. 

[porkkchop]

Stuck to calories today, around 1300, about an hour or so of cheerleading training, and it felt really good to start re-introducing exercise. Towards the evening I started getting lots of urges to binge, particularly after sitting through a team bonding meal of HSP after training and not eating anything. I caught myself in some pretty bad self talk about being fat and weak.

 

But kept some good things in mind and treated myself to a decaf coffee when I got home. I need more days like this. 

[porkkchop]

Consciously made the decision to take a little break from calorie counting and keto over the last two days while I’ve dealt with some personal things. Weighed myself today at 68.8 which is a little horrifying but I’m working on making sure I don’t let those negative thoughts spiral. It was a very good exercise in eating without restriction, while not going completely overboard and binge eating 6000+ calories in the day. Ultimately I’m glad I did it, and I’m raising my currently calories to an upper limit of 2000, and going under when I can if I’m not too hungry. 

 

Went slightly over yesterday around 2250, but had two hour of cheerleading training and walked 18, 000+ steps. 

 

While I’m not happy with myself going over, it’s vast improvement from where I’ve been. And I’m doing to get hung up on it, and work to do better today. 

[Gibsorz]

Good work this week. Writing down this positive talk can be therapeutic, we are always our own biggest critic and the habit of negative self talk can be really hard to break, especially when we face hurdles.

 

You seem like you are rather active, have you ever done the tdee method for estimating what your maintenance calories are. I'm guessing it's probably around 2200-2300 calories. A 500 (1 pound a week) calorie deficit on that would be 1700-1800 calories. But you definitely won't be hurting your progress when harder days are in the maintenance range. Sometimes you just need that extra energy. 

 

Don't forget when weighing yourself to do it under the same circumstances every time. A litre of water weighs a kg while it is in you. When I weigh in, I always do it an hour after 500ml of coffee, 500 ml of water, 40gr of dried beef, in the morning. In an attempt to limit the factors that might show a weight swing. Also if you are doing keto and stop, you will get a weight boost because as your body rebuilds the glycogen stores you take water into your muscles (4 water for each glycogen I think it was). For me this water weight is about 5 lbs, but my brother is closer to 10 lbs. With these situations being 5-10 lbs heavier or lighter week to week is a possibility if the weight is taken under different scenarios. It isn't you getting fatter, or losing an unhealthy amount of weight. Try to keep your weigh in scenario constant, but if you are doing things mostly right, and are mostly hitting your nutritional goals, especially when you compare what you are doing now to what you were doing before, then it will come. Slow and steady wins the race. The results may not be immediately noticeable, but they'll be sustainable.

 

Great work.

 

[porkkchop]

12 hours ago, Gibsorz said:

Don't forget when weighing yourself to do it under the same circumstances every time.

Definitely trying to weight myself at roughly the same time every day, but being aware that I’m changing my eating habits so regularly, the scales have been very up and down and I’m trying as best I can to stay consistent. At the moment I’ve changed my diet to lower carb, basically just reintroducing fruit, veg and yoghurts, which will put me ‘over’ my carb intake some days. 

 

While I’m finding myself super impatient I’m definitely trying to focus on consistently feeling good and sticking to good habits, or at least trying to challenge those negative feelings every day. 

[porkkchop]

2500 cal today, and that wasn’t the meticulous tracking I’d usually like to maintain so it is very possible it’s over that. Weighed in at 68.6kg, very high. 

 

Eating way way too much in the way of nut butters, yoghurt and high sugar fruit which have been far too high in calories, and too easy to consume quickly before they can combat cravings with that feeling of satiety.

 

No exercise today which isn’t the best effort. Will definitely make sure I’m doing something tomorrow as well as lowering calories keeping 2000 as an absolute max.

 

Very tempted to have a crazy carb binge like I usually would if I go over, but reigned it in, and I’m glad I didn’t give into the temptation, despite fantasising about a frantic supermarket run around the baked goods section. So at an absolute minimum I’m glad I wasn’t a complete fuck up and I can look forward to making positive steps tomorrow. 

[porkkchop]

Stuck to the 2000 calorie limit, went for a 20 min run. Nothing crazy but i got to sweat which felt good and it was nice to get back into a traditional gym environment, after the go ahead from the physio today.

 

I think I’d built up a little drama in my own head about my deteriorating fitness but I know the only way to change that is to take small steps to get back into it. 

 

Had a pretty big success with some personal goals that had been a huge source of stress for me for a while, tempted to celebrate with junk food but I know that’d not getting me towards what I ultimately want. But from a more positive perspective, moving forward, that might help with the emotional eating aspect and I can really make healthy lifestyle habits the next big focus for me. 

[porkkchop]

Probably around 2500 cal today, not happy with that, but my binge urges felt overwhelming from about 2pm till 11pm when I finally went to bed. Definitely sick of dealing with the back and forth of will I go to the supermarket and binge or won’t. Glad I didn’t have a crazy binge, so I can’t be too upset by 2500 when I know if I did eat sweets that I was crazy there’s no doubt it would’ve turned into 5000+. 

 

Lack of exercuse today, at training we worked choreography so I do next to nothing. Found myself constantly distracted by the thought of binging. I really couldn’t focus. 

 

Being negative so I’m just going to look forward to a ‘fresh’ day of calories tomorrow 

[porkkchop]

Kept rather busy today so I'm pretty sure I kept within calories. Didn't;t each much for the most part of the day and then cooked dinner (low calorie) for my boyfriend. Practicing having fun with food while still staying on track. Got in a couple of hours 'on and off' indoor rock climbing so it was good to get a little exercise too. Not an amazing day but I'm considering it a step in the right direction. 

[porkkchop]

Around 3500-4000 cal today. No exercise. I feel like shit. I feel ashamed and I hate myself, I know this thinking isn’t productive. Not going to get into it in too much on here. Will work to make tomorrow a better day. 

[aramis]

Everybody has better and worse days, don't kick yourself too much about it.  

There is this saying around here - "Never two in a row". Just make tomorrow a fabulous day, and you are right back on track

Cheers

 

[porkkchop]

18 minutes ago, aramis said:

Everybody has better and worse days, don't kick yourself too much about it.  

There is this saying around here - "Never two in a row". Just make tomorrow a fabulous day, and you are right back on track

Cheers

 

Thank you. I’ll definitely make sure tomorrow is a better day. 

[porkkchop]

Spent most of the day antagonising over overeating yesterday. I’m ashamed to admit it but it was the first time I’ve used a laxative to purge. This is knowing that they’re not an effective form of doing so. 

 

Stayed within calories. Saw my psyc and have made appointments to see some  specialists over the next couple of weeks regarding my eating. This has included a general psychologist, weight loss therapist and I’ve booked to go to an eating disorder support group. Because today was definitely a tipping point in realising how bad I have been feeling about my weight and body.

 

Keep having these binging fantasies about  going to the supermarket and eating an entire cake. 

 

Will keep working to stay stay on track. 

[aramis]

7 hours ago, porkkchop said:

Stayed within calories.

7 hours ago, porkkchop said:

Will keep working to stay on track.

And that's the most important thing. Personal support is also great way to go. I would wish you a good luck, but luck has nothing to do here. Instead, I wish you self control, cool head and distance to yourself, so you won't take all little bumps in your road too personally.

 

Don't overthink yesterday. It happened, you can't make it un-happen. But you CAN take it as a lesson, and do what is in your might not to let it happen again. Remember - Never Two In a Row. 

 

I'll be watching you, if you need a hug, will send more

 

[porkkchop]

16 hours ago, aramis said:

Don't overthink yesterday. It happened, you can't make it un-happen. But you CAN take it as a lesson, and do what is in your might not to let it happen again. Remember - Never Two In a Row.

Really good advice, I know I can focus on the things I can’t change too much. And all that hopelessness doesn’t really serve a purpose. Appreciate the well wishes and I want to keep working towards the positive 

[porkkchop]

Taking a more intuitive approach to eating (still counting calories as a gauge) but given my very extreme binging habits over the last couple of months I’m just looking at normalising my eating as my focus. So that’s all the stuff I’ve rolled my eyes at on the past: eating when hungry, listening to my body, eating nourishing foods. 

 

Stayed within that 2000 limit. Finally got some exercise in too. 20 minutes of hill walking and 2 hr cheerleading training. 

 

Even had a small cake to celebrate a new job, but very consciously made sure it was a single serving portion. Enjoyed it, and it might sound dumb but I’m somewhat proud of myself for not going overboard and just enjoying that small treat, despite the urge to go mental and binge. 

 

Better day, working towards improving every day. 

[Gibsorz]

Enjoyed it, and it might sound dumb but I’m somewhat proud of myself for not going overboard and just enjoying that small treat, despite the urge to go mental and binge. 

Doesn't sound dumb. Mindful eating is a huge challenge. It's not easy especially when our bodies are addicted to sugar/simple carbs. Growing up before we knew all the negative effects of sugar, parents didn't restrict these processed foods. My kids don't get nearly as much sweets/processed foods as I did because I don't want them to have the same struggles as I did and want to teach them mindful eating from Day 1, in the hopes that it becomes natural to them.

Fitness, like honour, is never bestowed but earned through blood, sweat and sacrifice

[aramis]

I'm happy for you!

Good focus nad some exercise - sounds great! And the thing with a cake - really good job out there

 

[porkkchop]

On 6/3/2019 at 4:01 AM, Gibsorz said:

 My kids don't get nearly as much sweets/processed foods as I did because I don't want them to have the same struggles as I did and want to teach them mindful eating from Day 1, in the hopes that it becomes natural to them.

 

Really respect the drive to push good healthy habits for your kids because god knows learning them a later takes a lot more practice, patience and persistence 

[porkkchop]

Today was okay. I made the active decision to not count calories and that was a little foreign. Focusing to really ‘tune in’ to my eating and hunger. It was pretty obvious today that I really want refined sugar. But got through, no bingeing, 30 min cardio and body weight strength type exercises. 

[aramis]

I'm not into Intuitive Eating because... reasons, but I've seen a topic about it here on forums... --> here. If you want to give it a try, I'm sure you'll find support there. 

 

Anyway, cheers for controlling yourself and exercising!

[porkkchop]

On 6/4/2019 at 3:55 AM, aramis said:

I'm not into Intuitive Eating because... reasons, but I've seen a topic about it here on forums... --> here. If you want to give it a try, I'm sure you'll find support there. 

Definitely something I’d like to refer to from time to time, because it is a style of eating I’d like to work towards. Thanks for the suggestion! 

[porkkchop]

Yesterday was interesting. Was ‘good’ for most of the morning. Ate filling food that made me feel good without being crazy, Oats, veggies protein, fruit, brown rice, all that good stuff. I was pretty rational talking myself through cravings etc. 

 

Yesterday I also went to an eating disorder recovery support group, which actually went better than expected, as I went in with expectations that this would be some very serious heavy thing, and I wouldn’t ‘belong’ there because I don’t have real issues. 

 

It was was very strange to me that afterwards heading out, when I missed my train to get to a dinner with my boyfriend, I had 4 chocolate bars from a vending machine. Each time going back one after the other and feeling a decent amount of shame, self conscious of the fact that other people were watching this slightly erratic behaviour. (Realistically I know nobody cares or is even paying attention). 

 

Proceeded to go out for dinner having a burger and chips. There was a part of me that did feel very guilty, but I’m working on taking a deep breath and letting it go. Because there’s no point holding onto it.  

 

I know my habits at the moment definitely won’t help me loose weight. If anything it’ll be a slow increase, but in saying that it’s not the same as the behaviours that had me gaining 10kg in two months. It’s not eating until I’m in physical pain for hours. Sure, it’s overeating, and while I’m constantly reminding myself not to get complacent if I’m going to loose weight first I need to know how to eat ‘normally’ (yes, I know there’s no normal and everyone’s different). I think I’m trying to talk myself into believing this is all okay. 

 

Woke up up this morning with binge urges, thinking about all that delicious sweet stuff. Having weird fixations on chocolate chai almonds that I can get from the  supermarket, very high calories and very delicious. Talked through it with my boyfriend. Having had a coffee, yoghurt with a tiny handful of granola (including chocolate pieces and some ‘bad’ food), bao and bacon and egg sandwich and a small jam donut. I’m definitely full, not in an excruciating way. And the urge to eat uncontrollably is deifnitely there in a major way. 

 

I know a controlled and rational eating day going forward will make me happier at the end of the day. I just need to keep that in the back of my head. 

[Valkyrie21]

porkchop - I get it. The shame, the guilty feelings, the frustration. My daily slog, you are not alone in this. Good onya for going to the support group!