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DarK_RaideR

[DarK_RaideR #36] Balance is rarely a static case

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9 minutes ago, deftona said:

Sorry things are stressful at the moment. Are you sure the marriage thing isn't a big deal though? I mean, I know she says it isn't but the subtext is suggesting it very much might be and it might be worth discussing it further, especially if you don't mind either way.

I think the issue isn't marriage per se, but rather her wanting to have more of a say in my finances and forcing my family to see her in a different light. Or, to flip that statement, make me accountable towards her regarding a few more things. You do have a point, though given the current state of emotions on both sides and the way even basic communication seems to go, I'm not sure it's the timing is optimal to have such a discussion, or at least that it would be meaningful in any way.

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2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You are absolutely right about my thoughts. That sounds a lot like my Ex-wife, as I've mentioned before, a lot of the same thought patterns, fear of abandonment, black-and-white thinking, obsession over money, even complaining about "Not giving the full details" is an almost word-for-word quote from the ex when I was trying to coordinate events with people I wanted to see.

I'm just gonna quote this and chime in with "same"

I'm seeing a lot of parallels in our lives my friend, I'm here if you need anything

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On 6/5/2019 at 9:29 AM, deftona said:

Sorry things are stressful at the moment. Are you sure the marriage thing isn't a big deal though? I mean, I know she says it isn't but the subtext is suggesting it very much might be and it might be worth discussing it further, especially if you don't mind either way.

 

I'm going to + one this. Is there anyone she knows that is getting married coming up that might be making her feel more pressure or anything like that? 

 

That being said this part:

Spoiler
On 6/5/2019 at 8:24 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

So without consulting the SRLF (communication issues plus me thinking we had agreed on this) I pulled the trigger and paid almost a thousand Euros to strike out the entirety of my social security debt.

 

 

And her subsequent reaction is a big red flag for me. (Spoiler for clarification):

Spoiler

You worked and chose to use the money you would be getting for those hours to pay your existing debt. This wasn't going to make you reliant on her for anything money-wise, right? You hadn't discussed saving money together for anything specific, like vacation or anything?

 

There is a bigger conversation around what is considered joint money matters that sounds like it needs to occur. I'm not seeing how that was her place to get involved in your use of your money. It may be that, while I understand what you said, I don't understand enough about how your state responsibilities work to know why she would be upset about this. 

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5 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

There is a bigger conversation around what is considered joint money matters that sounds like it needs to occur. I'm not seeing how that was her place to get involved in your use of your money. It may be that, while I understand what you said, I don't understand enough about how your state responsibilities work to know why she would be upset about this. 

Sylvaa said what I had been thinking, with this and her spoilered items...she just put it a lot nicer than I would :lol: 

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Something like ironing clothes would have calmed me down too. Discrete task with tangible products can be soothing, and disorder can be stressful.

 

I agree with lots of the things others have said. How are you doing lately?

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Thanks for the interest, responses and support everyone. I'm still alive, though obviously not making any progress in terms of fitness or challenge goals. It's more of a mental health/stay afloat situation by this point and it looks like a lot of the coming months will be like that too, I should probably take a break from outright challenges and switch to a Battle Log or something.

 

In other news, for all you SNES nerds out there, here's a little sample of what Geena vs Etsuko might have looked like ;)

 

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1 hour ago, WhiteGhost said:

Was that Darkness Falls there at the 4 minute mark? 

I'm assuming we're using the video/YouTube timer for this, not the in-game match timer, but yes, that close range knee is indeed Darkness Falls, Etsuko's impact finisher, which is also why she's going for a cover afterwards. The subsequent chokehold around 4:40 is the Lullaby, same move that ends the match. Geena hit her own finisher, the Amazon Plunge, around 7:50 but to the outside of the ring. Normally she'll go to the apron and slingshot herself to the inside. I also had to look up what that "Okite Yaburi" flashing thingy around 7:15 is and the answer is someone stealing their opponent's move, in this case Etsuko pulling off a chokeslam on Geena.

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Alright, I'm not even going to try and pretend that I put any effort into this challenge, but at least I can look up the first post and provide a little update of where I'm at since it's Week 4 now.

 

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I’ve taken up the bulk of a project at work that’s about turning an EU directive into national law, with a 3 month deadline for the first phase (roughly end of summer) and an 8 month total for the entire project. The subject at hand is pretty technical (regulating telecommunications) and the directive itself is not that easy to work with, as it is mostly an abstract regulatory framework with a lot of wishful thinking in, essentially letting each member state to hammer out the specifics and sort out how exactly it will achieve the directive’s goals. Plus, as it's replacing an existing law, I gotta make sure there's no regulatory gap as well as that anything transplanted here from older legislature makes sense and doesn't conflict everything else.

Made some progress on this front, sent them an updated version on Friday and will be doing another meeting on Wednesday. With elections announced for the first weekend of July and the current opposition on a +10% lead after the European elections, change is afoot. I'm curious to see if that slows them down or pressures them (and me in turn) to speed things up in order to make up for the projected loss of time.

 

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I’ve also had my hands full for the last 1,5-2 years working on a revision of my professor’s textbook, updated with all the legislation, court rulings and scientific articles. With various other cases coming up, all this time it has of course fallen a bit behind. Also, the original 'division of labour' has been de facto cancelled, as my fellow worker has had her hands busy with keeping the entire office together and running on a day to day basis. On top of that, my professor recently scored some funding for the entire thing (meaning at least I’m getting paid specifically to do this thing) but the deadline is end of June. So bottom line is, on top of the EU directive thing, I gotta wrap up the book plus pick up the extra slack my colleague was supposed to work on. Fun times!

I have made zero progress on this project, as I was fully focusing on the other one above. I was told some of their (technical) specialists are also working on stuff, so my plan is to do Wednesday's meeting and put some of the workload on them, using that and the elections to make time/headspace for the book update.

 

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Challenge kicks off right after a Sunday of EU, prefectural and mayoral elections (May 26th). I am one of the many legal professionals appointed by the judicial authorities to oversee the procedure in one of the election centers, a school located some 20km from my hometown, which means I’m taking the ferry south on the 23rd of May. This is the first time I’m doing this whole thing, but fortunately I’m getting compensated and the voyage is free for me and my car. The top 2 candidates for mayor and prefectural overlord move on to round two the following Sunday (June 2nd) so I booked my return on the afternoon of the 3rd. However, since my election center is split in two, with me running the EU and prefectural polls while someone else will run the other half that is the mayor and city council election polls, there’s a good chance if the prefectural overlord gets over 50% of the votes like he did in 2015 and gets elected from the first Sunday, I’ll be able to swap my tickets to return earlier than originally planned, hopefully sometime in the middle of the first challenge week.

While around my hometown, I got some people to see and some contracts to look up at a nearby land registry for a pending case. I also had an appeal trial scheduled for the 5th, but courts will be closed due to the election so that’s gonna be moved to whenever.

 

Did the whole election thing and now I might be doing it again with the national elections coming up. The visit went surprisingly well, unlike past times. I had zero pressure to spend time with the family, no weird talks or emotional breakdowns and solid communication with the SRLF on the phone. I'm feeling this isn't a one time thing or coincidence but rather a new situation I'm very glad for, though having both my parents and the SRLF in the same room should still cause some friction.

 

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Got my tickets to see Iggy Pop and James on Saturday, June 8th. Also seeing Alice in Chains, Fu Manchu and 1.000Mods on Monday, June 24th.

Iggy rocked the place and now I'm extra hyped to see the others on June 24th.

 

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Monday the 17th of June is a holiday (50 days since Easter, Pentecost, whatever, I don’t religion) and I was hoping I’d manage to plan something good for that long weekend, but the SRLF’s cruel taskmasters have everyone working that day because if you don’t treat all your employees like slaves do you even run a call center company, bruh?

I really needed the break, especially since I stayed home for Easter and didn't get to enjoy the long weekend last year. That said, I told my dad to visit for a motorcycle ride, cross-checked it with the SRLF (instead of my past habit of simly announcing an already-made decision to her) and made it so. We visited the island of Lefkada, just south of Corfu, as well as his side of the family in his hometown. Seeing my 19 year old mentally challenged cousin after more than fifteen years wasn't easy (he and his mom showed up without prior warning) but it didn't really affect my mood because I'm trying not to be a dick and it's not his fault after all. I like to think I handled it with enough grace, even helping my dad deal with the initial shock.

 

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Work hard: Spend a minimum of 8 hours on working days advancing the directive/legislation project and book revision, distraction free. Anything beyond that or on weekends is a welcome bonus, but not a challenge goal minimum prerequisite.

I did not put in the work consistently, but I did get work done nonethelesss.

 

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Play hard: Make time for entertainment and relaxation every day so I don’t burn out. Sleep, time with friends, videogames, a movie or wrestling show, a live gig, a motorbike ride, a swim in the sea, whatever it takes to recharge my batteries.

Again, I did not specifically make time for this, but I did remember to get a breather and the long weekend was a big boost.

 

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Maintenance: Don’t eat or drink like an idiot. Don’t give up on workouts and exercise, Muay Thai or otherwise. I expect this to be extra challenging during my elections trip to my hometown.

I haven't been eating or drinking like an idiot. It hasn't been ideal either though and I've smoked more than one cigarette these days, on top of taking a summer break from Muay Thai. I know it's not good news, but I'm aware this is due to me running out of willpower. The long weekend did a great job of recharging my batteries and clear my mind to think about stuff, which in turn helped with the SRLF "marriage and whatnot" situation. Making sure I got a solid foundation before moving on.

 

Not getting comfortable in my current state; I still got a Spartan race to run in November next to @EricMN.

 

master-apprentice-excerpt-tall.jpg

Which should give me just enough time to grow a padawan braid

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11 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Not getting comfortable in my current state; I still got a Spartan race to run in November next to @EricMN.

 

There needs to be lots of pics of this...and I volunteer to come take them! :lol: 

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12 hours ago, RES said:

There needs to be lots of pics of this...and I volunteer to come take them!

Yes...

 

On 6/18/2019 at 7:02 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Which should give me just enough time to grow a padawan braid

And especially this!

 

I'm impressed by all that you have going on at work. Also good to hear that the long weekend helped you to recharge. Hope there is another one on your horizon.

 

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Hmm, money, the main thing people argue about in relationships and often the cause of much misunderstanding and resentment. As with most things it is not the actions that are taken, it's the meaning that gets assigned to them that causes the conflict/upset. People like to be right, once they take up a position they will find the evidence to support that position whether it's correct or not. I call this case-building. You should know all about this in your profession! Find a position and build a case to support it by finding evidence be it real or imagined/misinterpreted. The difference with relationships is you are often dealing with feelings and emotions rather than real facts. 

 

It sounds to me like SRLF is looking for reassurance that you love her and you will put her first (especially in front of your family). The easiest way for her to get solid proof of this is for you to formally show your commitment to the world through marriage and privately to pool your resources and face the world together (money). You will probably find behind the scenes she believes she is more emotionally invested in the relationship than you and/or she's worried you're not fully committed. 

 

Why aren't you sharing your money with her?

(I'm not accusing or saying that you should be, I'm just asking why you aren't)

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8 hours ago, Endor said:

I call this case-building. You should know all about this in your profession

:D

 

8 hours ago, Endor said:

Why aren't you sharing your money with her?

(I'm not accusing or saying that you should be, I'm just asking why you aren't)

I am! It's not like we have a common account or money pool, but we do share expenses and keep track of our spending, though we still have the freedom of doing some (reasonable) spending of our own without checking for each other's permission first. In hindsight, she did have a point, I spent a large amount of money to pay off my debt plus I spent my monthly "family financial assistance" on groceries, bills etc which got me halfway into the month with nothing but a 5E bill in my wallet. It's not like we're broke, she can chip in for the rest of the month (plus I was counting on a little extra from the family) but it would have been wiser if I'd saved some to get me through the month as far as daily expenses go. To take that a step further, I can understand how such financial management on my part can stress her out and make her feel insecure. One day I got a few hundred in my pocket, then after a couple of days most of it is gone and worse, I can't remember where I spent most of it. The shock of the moment/amount, coupled with days of emotional duress after arguing is what got us. I'm happy to say the long weekend gave me some much needed mental clarity when it comes to both how I see our relationship's future and that monetary issue.

 

In other news, I'm helping the SRLF's mom with a serious legal issue she's got and (I'm guessing instead of monetary payment) she got me a gig ticket, meaning I got to see Planet of Zeus, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and Clutch last night!

 

Spoiler

 

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65098644_2174630599256944_52168865486869

 

64783433_2174705685916102_39633362882071

 

 

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Paying off debt is never a bad thing in my book but if you are sharing money then yeah some agreement is in order. Good to hear you're feeling better about it.

 

Looks like a great gig! 

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On 6/22/2019 at 1:11 AM, Endor said:

Paying off debt is never a bad thing in my book but if you are sharing money then yeah some agreement is in order.

I don't think anyone objects to the bolded part, SRLF included. Her problem was more about me making the call on my own and paying off the full thing, which has us near-bankrupt for the rest of the month until the July payments roll in. I could have let her in the loop before pulling the trigger and paying off part of the debt now and part of it later (instead of all at once) would have made the rest of the month easier for both of us. A dumb decision on my part, made under odd circumstances, which in turn magnified the shock and emotions for her.

 

In other news, 1000mods, Fu Manchu and Alice in Chains tomorrow!

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65479629_2182933995093271_90625701363297

 

65035441_2183238531729484_14460711086661

 

WHAT

 

A

 

NIGHT

 

Also, gonna skip this challenge round and Battle Log for a bit. Gonna add the link on my signature for anyone wishing to keep up.

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