Gemma kvetches and stretches and etches word sketches

[CourtnieMarie]

here for the running and writing and glorious Seussical verses!

[Gemma]

Wow, look at all this beautiful book conversation that I've entirely missed! 

 

I *adore" Peter Wimsey, and I think I've also read everything every produced by Dame Agatha. I've never read Ellery Queen, though. <runs to expand TBR>

 

 

I sat down to write and

my brain shut straight down

I panicked and sweated,

my thoughts spun around

 

I was trying to write

the most best story ever

I was aiming at genius

I’d’ve settled for clever

 

My high lofty ideas

were too scary, it seems

My lizard brain panicked

at the scale of those dreams

 

I lowered the stakes,

my brain ended its strike

And then we wrote a story

that we didn’t quite like

 

It’s not bad, it’s not awful,

It’s a decentish sort

“But it’s knock-off Jane Austen”

My critics retort

 

What critics? You ask,

Of course, I never said

A whole panel of critics

Resides in my head

 

They love to pick nits

They love findings of faults

Mis-spellings, wrong commas?

They turn somersaults

 

But their very most favoritist

Fault that they find

Is “this is not original,

It’s not from YOUR mind,

 

“You stole this idea,

You faker, you hack

You should die of embarrassment

From all that you lack”

 

Well, I shut them up good

And I shut them up first

Instead of my best work

I aimed for my worst

 

No, I didn’t write terrible

very bad prose

But it’s no ‘War and Peace’

It’s not ‘Name of the Rose’

 

It’s a regular story,

simple and small

Because victory here

was in writing - AT ALL

 

I've been, this week, down a rabbit trail of brain science vs. writer's block similar to that described in @Harriet's challenge, and what I've decided is that I set my stakes so very high to write "the perfect story" that my limbic system was kicking into panic mode from the pressure, and shutting down my prefrontal cortex entirely, every time I sat down to write. 

 

NOTHING would have been good enough for me. The creepy murder scene worked great for me as a scene, but when I tried to modify it into a whole story on it's own I suddenly hated it. I may post it here later as a scene, if I get feeling brave. Every other story idea I tried met that same bar - "okay, but not hardly 'the greatest story ever written' so not good enough!" 

 

It finally dawned on me that I never even said that my goal was to WIN a writing contest. Just to ENTER one. That was it. I didn't need to write to compete with Hemingway or Shirley Jackson. The goal here was to get something in front of editing professionals who are willing to give me professional feedback on it. I'm doing this to get better. It doesn't have to be better before I can even begin. 

 

Yeah. Duh. 

 

I wrote a story at my current level of ability. I posted it for workshopping. Now I will go and offer peer feedback on three other peoples' submissions, and three other contest entrants will read my story and offer feedback on it. 

 

(And, technically, it is still about a murder. I am seriously fascinated by motives.) 

 

I. Did. The. Thing. (I haven't technically entered the contest yet, I can't do that until between June 3 and 10. But my story is out there, so now it's officially too late for me to decide that this one is also too lame and I need to keep looking for an even better idea.) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In other news: 

Wednesday: Workout +additional accessories = 3
Thursday: NOPE! Crazy day at work, appointments all day and overtime.
Friday: Workout +accessories = 3
Saturday: C25k, yes = 2

 

So the fitness score  stands at 12/88
 

 

[Scaly Freak]

10 minutes ago, Gemma said:

It finally dawned on me that I never even said that my goal was to WIN a writing contest. Just to ENTER one. That was it. I didn't need to write to compete with Hemingway or Shirley Jackson. The goal here was to get something in front of editing professionals who are willing to give me professional feedback on it. I'm doing this to get better. It doesn't have to be better before I can even begin. 

 

Yeah. Duh. 

 

I wrote a story at my current level of ability. I posted it for workshopping.

 

This is that "20 seconds of courage" thing I've read about, isn't it?

 

Also, that was at least a temporary deathblow to Procrastination. Well done!

[Harriet]

17 minutes ago, Gemma said:

I've been, this week, down a rabbit trail of brain science vs. writer's block similar to that described in @Harriet's challenge, and what I've decided is that I set my stakes so very high to write "the perfect story" that my limbic system was kicking into panic mode from the pressure, and shutting down my prefrontal cortex entirely, every time I sat down to write. 

 

I wrote a story at my current level of ability. I posted it for workshopping. Now I will go and offer peer feedback on three other peoples' submissions, and three other contest entrants will read my story and offer feedback on it. 

Excellent work battling your internal editors! Getting feedback is really great, and takes courage. You did well. 

 

Things flipped for me when I realised that writing (or anything creative) is a skill that you build with practice, not an innate gift that you reveal by effortlessly creating a masterpiece. Growth mindset, not fixed. I mean, imagine if you always dreamed of that one perfect deadlift that would impress the s*** out of everyone and prove how strong you are (and cause handsome young men to spontaneously take off their shirts, IDK)... but you never actually deadlifted because you were afraid of the gap between the dream and what you think you could manage... that would be a totally wrongheaded way to approach lifting. But somehow, we imagine creative pursuits run according to different rules, of talent rather than skill, inspiration rather than practice. They don't. I still get anxious, but there are tricks to overcome that initial barrier, like making a bet with someone, setting a really short and unthreatening time limit, just getting your tools out, or doing a warmup where you take a prompt and write as fast as you can for five minutes, knowing you'll throw it away at the end so it doesn't matter. 

[Scaly Freak]

1 minute ago, Harriet said:

I mean, imagine if you always dreamed of that one perfect deadlift that would impress the s*** out of everyone and prove how strong you are (and cause handsome young men to spontaneously take off their shirts, IDK)... but you never actually deadlifted because you were afraid of the gap between the dream and what you think you could manage... that would be a totally wrongheaded way to approach lifting. But somehow, we imagine creative pursuits run according to different rules, of talent rather than skill, inspiration rather than practice. They don't.

 

Wise, wise words. I shall strive to apply them to my writing efforts.

[Gemma]

18 minutes ago, Harriet said:

I still get anxious, but there are tricks to overcome that initial barrier, like making a bet with someone, setting a really short and unthreatening time limit, just getting your tools out, or doing a warmup where you take a prompt and write as fast as you can for five minutes, knowing you'll throw it away at the end so it doesn't matter. 

 

 

A huge huge nonsecret trick that I used to actually get through this without my limbic system going into panic mode was the ten-minute timer. I don't have to write all day, or even write until the story is done. Just ten minutes, then I can have a break. I can do that, that's not long at all. Etc etc. 

[JessFit]

Remember, you can edit a bad story, but you can't edit a blank page. 

[JustCallMeAmber]

I meant to say so on Saturday, but so proud that you did the thing! (I actually squealed aloud when I read it and freaked one of my poor cats right out.)

[Mike Wazowski]

PROUD OF YOU FOR DOING THAT THING!!!!

 

Also, these poems you write about your writing process - are you saving them somewhere? Because I feel like you should - I'm seriously blown away by anyone who spins clever verses and really enjoy reading yours.

[Gemma]

On 6/3/2019 at 1:33 PM, JessFit said:

Remember, you can edit a bad story, but you can't edit a blank page. 

 

I *know* this - like, inside-my-head-knowledge "know" it, I even use it and other facts like it to encourage my WriMos. But, like "knowing" that I should eat more vegetables, and "knowing" that potato chips are not what makes me feel best, that knowledge does not always correlate to action. Sigh.¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

On 6/3/2019 at 2:51 PM, Mike Wazowski said:

PROUD OF YOU FOR DOING THAT THING!!!!

 

Also, these poems you write about your writing process - are you saving them somewhere? Because I feel like you should - I'm seriously blown away by anyone who spins clever verses and really enjoy reading yours.

 

LOL, yes, they are all saved in my Google Drive "Write Stuff" folder. 

 

 

So, the contest, it is entered. Officially. 

 

I ordered the scarf. 

 

Happy! 

 

 

Now ... fitness-wise ... where did I leave off? Oh, yeah, okay - 

 

Sunday: Much foamroll, and it felt good. Well, except for around the minor shin splints. And the IT band. And all the bits that get just a little tweaky and knotty and cranky whenever I decide to try and pretend that running doesn't suck. +2

Monday: Scheduled workout + extra accessories +3
Tuesday: No running. Work chaos started early and never let up. (Long day, much stress, much angry, carb-o-rama pasta fit for dinner)
Wednesday: Scheduled workout + extra accessories +3
Thursday: +2  Did run, felt pretty good but I still get out of breath way faster than I should. I'm waiting for that mythical cardiovascular endurance thing-a-ma-doodly that I've heard about to start to build up. 

 

WAITING ...

 

 

 

Fitness challenge running score: 22/88

 

[Gemma]

Friday: Workout +accessories = 3
Saturday: C25k, yes = 2

 

And I took the progress pics. Not sure what I was expecting after 8 weeks, but I see very little difference. A little less visible bodyfat, perhaps, and my shoulders might be a teeny-weeny bit larger ... but I'm strangely not discouraged or unhappy about this, because I can feel my triceps and biceps and delts, and they are definitely less squishy than they were before. So, less squishy is actually pretty cool, and I don't have any pressing need for them to be any larger, particularly. Either way, though, +20 points  

 

Score = 47/88

[Harriet]

On 6/8/2019 at 1:26 PM, Gemma said:

 

And I took the progress pics. Not sure what I was expecting after 8 weeks, but I see very little difference. A little less visible bodyfat, perhaps, and my shoulders might be a teeny-weeny bit larger ... but I'm strangely not discouraged or unhappy about this, because I can feel my triceps and biceps and delts, and they are definitely less squishy than they were before. So, less squishy is actually pretty cool, and I don't have any pressing need for them to be any larger, particularly. Either way, though, +20 points  

 

Excellent. I've also noticed some muscles have gotten harder rather than bigger. I guess that's a good thing. It means we could potentially used as battering rams or as tables to put things on. Much better than being floppy. 

[JessFit]

On 6/6/2019 at 7:01 PM, Gemma said:

 

I *know* this - like, inside-my-head-knowledge "know" it, I even use it and other facts like it to encourage my WriMos. But, like "knowing" that I should eat more vegetables, and "knowing" that potato chips are not what makes me feel best, that knowledge does not always correlate to action. Sigh.¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm 100% with you there. I had Doritos and root beer and sour patch kids for dinner yesterday. Then I felt like poo after. I knew in advance that this was a bad decision but bad decisions is how I roll... just look at the list of people I've dated in my life! 

 

Congrats on the writing being submitted! 

 

As far as bodily progress goes, you can also consider things like if your exercises are easier than they used to be or if you're going further or moving more weight than you used to. 

[Gemma]

Oh - wow - I knew I hadn't updated for a few days, did not realize it had been near a week. Well, we'll just call it The Lost Week. I wasn't really here for most of it in any case. I don't mean "here, in the NF forums" - I mean "here, in my life." I've been low-key depressed, but I didn't realize that was my problem until this morning.

 

Sunday: Yoga /2 pts
Monday: workout + accessories/3 pts
Tuesday: C25k yes/2 pts
Wednesday: workout + accessories/3 pts
Thursday: Nope 
Friday: Also nope
Saturday: No but I'm giving myself points for this, we had a work party at church, disassembling pallets for a wood mosaic project, and my hammer and flat bar and I worked HARD, so 2 pts. 
Sunday: Some yoga, so 2 pts, I need more though. I'm stiff from aggressive couch-potatoing. I did meal prep my breakfasts for the week, though, first time in several weeks I've managed that. 

 

Score = 61/88

 

Thursday and Friday's skips have no rational explanation - I did all the right things, put on workout clothes as soon as I woke up, packed my business casual clothes in the car, got to work (adjacent to both gym and running trail) and suddenly my inner five-year-old threw a violent "No no no no no I don't wanna!" tantrum. I guess because of that unidentified depressive lull is why I let her get away with it? Dunno, but both days I just went straight in to the locker room and showered and changed. Started to get annoyed with myself, then remembered that That Doesn't Help. So just gave myself a little grace and went on with my previously scheduled life. ( <- also counts as a win) 

[Mike Wazowski]

17 hours ago, Gemma said:

Oh - wow - I knew I hadn't updated for a few days, did not realize it had been near a week. Well, we'll just call it The Lost Week. I wasn't really here for most of it in any case. I don't mean "here, in the NF forums" - I mean "here, in my life." I've been low-key depressed, but I didn't realize that was my problem until this morning.

Hugs, friend! Depression's a bear of a problem, especially because it likes to hide from being noticed.

 

17 hours ago, Gemma said:

Thursday and Friday's skips have no rational explanation - I did all the right things, put on workout clothes as soon as I woke up, packed my business casual clothes in the car, got to work (adjacent to both gym and running trail) and suddenly my inner five-year-old threw a violent "No no no no no I don't wanna!" tantrum. I guess because of that unidentified depressive lull is why I let her get away with it? Dunno, but both days I just went straight in to the locker room and showered and changed. Started to get annoyed with myself, then remembered that That Doesn't Help. So just gave myself a little grace and went on with my previously scheduled life. ( <- also counts as a win) 

Sometimes we just do truly irrational things - but major props to you on recognizing what wouldn't be helpful and giving yourself some grace for that.

[JessFit]

Depression is crap and I'm sorry. A lot of times it throws a tantrum and I miss the gym too. That is ok, it is ok to identify the cause and let it happen. You got back at it this weekend. Hugs

[JustCallMeAmber]

20 hours ago, Gemma said:

So just gave myself a little grace and went on with my previously scheduled life. ( <- also counts as a win) 

QFT, and bolded for emphasis.  Sorry you had a rough time! Glad you were able to identify where it was coming from, and also to not beat yourself up about it. Hope you are back to feeling like yourself again!

 

[Scaly Freak]

21 hours ago, Gemma said:

Started to get annoyed with myself, then remembered that That Doesn't Help. So just gave myself a little grace and went on with my previously scheduled life. ( <- also counts as a win) 

 

Definitely counts. Both giving yourself some well-deserved grace, and continuing with life despite everything. So it's actually a double win for you.

[Harriet]

21 hours ago, Gemma said:

both days I just went straight in to the locker room and showered and changed. Started to get annoyed with myself, then remembered that That Doesn't Help. So just gave myself a little grace and went on with my previously scheduled life. ( <- also counts as a win) 

I mean, sometimes kicking ourselves in the butt helps if we're having trouble getting started. But if you made it all the way to the gym and still didn't feel like lifting, then maybe you didn't need to lift. I get weeks like these, too. The lovely nerds here have helped me to be less harsh with myself about them and move on. 

I also had a not-so-good week just now due to heat-related insomnia, but today is Monday, signifying a slightly artificial but nevertheless useful New Start. We shall have good weeks. I asked "will this week be good?" to the world outside my window, and the next door neighbours' chickens clucked affirmatively. I mean, they often cluck, also when I say nothing at all, but I think it's auspicious nonetheless. 

[Scaly Freak]

Wait. Don't you live in an apartment? How do you have a neighbor with chickens?

[Harriet]

24 minutes ago, scalyfreak said:

Wait. Don't you live in an apartment? How do you have a neighbor with chickens?

Nope, I live in the granny flat--that is to say, the downstairs level--of a real house, with a real garden. No one else uses the garden, so it is all mine. I sit by the window and listen to squirrels making that odd barking noise that they make, and watch different birds drop by. I am fond of the Berick's wren, and the oak titmouse. 

[Scaly Freak]

1 hour ago, Harriet said:

Nope, I live in the granny flat--that is to say, the downstairs level--of a real house, with a real garden. No one else uses the garden, so it is all mine. I sit by the window and listen to squirrels making that odd barking noise that they make, and watch different birds drop by. I am fond of the Berick's wren, and the oak titmouse. 

 

Aha, that makes more sense. I was picturing a large apartment building with chickens on a balcony somewhere.

[JustCallMeAmber]

20 hours ago, Harriet said:

Nope, I live in the granny flat--that is to say, the downstairs level--of a real house, with a real garden. No one else uses the garden, so it is all mine. I sit by the window and listen to squirrels making that odd barking noise that they make, and watch different birds drop by. I am fond of the Berick's wren, and the oak titmouse. 

This sounds lovely!

19 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

 

Aha, that makes more sense. I was picturing a large apartment building with chickens on a balcony somewhere.

I won't rule it out. But most of the city chickens I know of prefer different terrain