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The Return of Rhovaniel


Rhovaniel

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I did not intend to disappear. Really. But somehow, without me really understanding how, I got caught up in a vortex of mental health issues, pain that I just could not handle in a healthy way. It has taken a year since that particular acronym was first used about me and my issues, a year of many, many lows and a couple of shining triumphs, but I think I have finally accepted that this is what I am dealing with. This is my fight. PTSD.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The trauma, some of you already know. It is something I am still dealing with, like a poison in my mind. 

It started to win before I understood what was happening. It has taken several trips to the doctor, one major meltdown and a veritable cocktail of medication – so far. I don’t pretend to be at the end of this journey, I certainly haven’t beaten it. But I will. Because if I don’t, it will take my life, and it’s tried several times before. It has me bloodied and bruised, metaphorically. It has me crying in a heap, literally. But I won’t shy from telling you all this. Because it just loves the darkness, and being ashamed of it – and all the messy, unglamorous symptoms, is what will keep me trapped. I am fighting for my life.

 

Anyway, to the goals. Last week, I ran Nuclear Oblivion along with @jonfirestar, @Charlie_Quinn and her husband, and @Jarric. We all ran separately though, which had one drawback. I was a lap and a half in when I made a fatigue error, and ended up smashing my head on a metal pole whilst climbing up an obstacle. Long story short, I tried to carry on but got pulled out and after a lot of poking, prodding and a not small amount of anxiety on my part, I ended up getting blue-lighted to hospital. One of my triggers was being restrained on the spinal board and head blocks, so I was not in a good way mentally either. But thankfully, a CT scan ruled out anything serious and it got taken off a little while after Jarric and Jon got there. So, a very long wait after, I was told it was a neck sprain. And possible concussion, but they didn’t dwell so much on that. 

Anyway, I am mostly back to normal. Driving is problematic, because it hurts to turn my neck too far. And the doc specifically ruled out exercise for a week at least, but probably two. At the time, I was dismayed, but I get it now. It took me a good few days to get my balance back, the headaches lasted a week, almost. I cannot take chances with my neck.

But I do need to get back to things. This week is very much recovery still. I return to work, and I need to try and get my emotional eating under control. It has been very much out of control lately, as my increased waistline will attest to. The goals will be something I work out this week, based on how ready I feel to do what kind of training. But this week, it is simple:

 

Eat at least two proper meals each day

 

That’s how bad I’ve gotten. I’m going to start simple. A protein shake or smoothie in the morning, with a portion of fruit. Greek yoghurt if I’m super hungry that morning. Lunch – soup, or something home prepped. Not a dash to the shop for food. Dinner – same as lunch. Something that is food. Not packaged sugar to numb the feelings.

image.png.4972f43a44ce6fbfae0fa35c397ca92d.png

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"What does your heart tell you?" - Aragorn

 

Epic Quest: In the Footsteps of the Dúnedain: Aragorn's Journey

Current Challenge:      Rhovaniel: Ranger's Apprentice

 

Previous Challenges: 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13 1415|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|2728 29

 

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First! I am happy that you are back Rhovaniel! You have the strength to get through this. I know nobody stronger. 

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strava - myfitnesspal - Instagram

2019 Roadmap

Spoiler

 

" Always aim for something stupidly crazy." - Charlie Quinn

2019 Races: Cliveden MTR 06/01 | Nuts Challenge 02/03 | Reading Half Marathon 17/03 | W.A.R 27/04 | RRDW 11/05 | Nuclear Oblivion 19/05 | Man vs Lakes 20/07 | Spartan Trifecta Weekend 05-06/10 | OCRWC 11-13/10

 

Current Challenge: First Steps

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Hey Rho. Wow - im so happy you are back with the Rangers. We all missed you. You are so fucking amazing and strong and kind. I hate that you are in pain. But i understand, truly i do. I hope to support and encourage you along the way, if you ever need a new friend to talk to, im ALWAYS around. Sending you love and strength. xx

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Don't forget:

Image result for you are a dragon

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Current: Assassins / Instagram

  Previous: 1, 234, 5, 678910, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44

2020 Races: 
CANCELLED! Spartan Trifecta: Beast: 18-APR / Super :11-JUL / Sprint: 12-JUL

Summer Nuts: 5/6-SEPT / Nuclear Blast: 12-SEPT / Nuclear team race: 04-OCT 

"You have the heart of a Rebel"

"I'll take that as a compliment"

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You are still here.

 

You will win through in the end.

 

Like everybody else, I am really happy to see you back.

 

f6a8b9b41ba9c1dcc5996c5e3717729f.jpg

 

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Rebooting Ranger and Legionary

"Only a Dead Legionary Gives Up" - Day of the Starwind

"It always seems bad at first, but then I find a way" - Samurai Jack

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22 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

First! I am happy that you are back Rhovaniel! You have the strength to get through this. I know nobody stronger. 

Thank you, Jon. You remind me of my strength when I feel like I have none. 

 

22 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I agree with jonfirestar™

 

I am so glad you are here. I've missed you.

Jon, much like Tank, is wise. 

 

And thank you. I've missed the community on here massively. 

 

22 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hey Rho. Wow - im so happy you are back with the Rangers. We all missed you. You are so fucking amazing and strong and kind. I hate that you are in pain. But i understand, truly i do. I hope to support and encourage you along the way, if you ever need a new friend to talk to, im ALWAYS around. Sending you love and strength. xx

Hey Sal. Thank you! 

 

22 hours ago, Miaulin said:

*sends every hug and then some*

 

Thank you for coming back, Rho! You can do this <3

Thank you so much, mellon nin. Thank you for welcoming me back with the open arms you have. 

 

18 hours ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

Welcome back.

Thanks Sloth. It truly is good to be back. 

 

15 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Great to see you back!

Thank you!

 

14 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Missed you and glad you are back!

EG! It's good to be back, thank you

 

8 hours ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

Don't forget:

Image result for you are a dragon

Yes! Yes I am! Mushu is my spirit animal!

Related image

1 hour ago, Moros said:

You are still here.

 

You will win through in the end.

 

Like everybody else, I am really happy to see you back.

 

f6a8b9b41ba9c1dcc5996c5e3717729f.jpg

 

Thank you Moros. You are right. I will win. 

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"What does your heart tell you?" - Aragorn

 

Epic Quest: In the Footsteps of the Dúnedain: Aragorn's Journey

Current Challenge:      Rhovaniel: Ranger's Apprentice

 

Previous Challenges: 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13 1415|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|2728 29

 

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I'm here for youuuuu!!!

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“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” John Steinbeck

“Do I dare disturb the universe?” – T.S. Eliot

“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.” – Toni Morrison

"All we have to do is decide what to do with the time given to us" JRR Tolkien

 

Human Bard: CON 2, WIS 5, INT 1, CHA 2

 

Current Challenge: Nova Levels Up (and maybe doesn't abandon a challenge...)

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Welcome back Rho! I hope your head recovers fast. Emotional eating is one heal of a dragon to slay but you are stronger.

giphy.gif

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Feminist Ranger (she/her)

Based in Melbourne, Australia

Current Challenge: Emerald Eagle refills her cup (January 2021)
Instagram: @emeraldeaglenf

 

“I wish you would thrash him. He deserves it." She looked back at him. "I will one day, sir. I'm getting tired of falling down.” - Alanna: The First Adventure

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Welcome back! Small goals are still 1000% legit good goals, and sometimes that's all you need to focus on! 

 

Also: That's low-key actually a HUGE goal - you've got this! 

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Level 83 Wood Elf Druid

Druid: || 59 | 60 | 61 | 61.5 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81 | 82 | 83 ||

Ranger: || 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 ||

||Char/RPG||
STR: 57 || DEX: 59 || STA: 52 || CON: 47 || WIS: 59 || CHA: 59

 

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Welcome home, my dear friend!! I believe in you in every way and I am unspeakably proud of you for continuing to show up and hold onto your hope and determination even when the past is trying so hard to beat you down. Thank you for coming back to us so we can stand with you!!

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 49

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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On ‎5‎/‎29‎/‎2019 at 11:39 AM, Stribs said:

I'm here for youuuuu!!!

Stribs! Good to see you! :) And thank you!

 

On ‎5‎/‎29‎/‎2019 at 12:47 PM, Emerald Eagle said:

Welcome back Rho! I hope your head recovers fast. Emotional eating is one heal of a dragon to slay but you are stronger.

giphy.gif

Thanks EE. How are you? I'm going to have to venture onto other people's threads again soon!

 

On ‎5‎/‎31‎/‎2019 at 9:20 PM, Cheetah said:

Welcome back!  You can do it!!

Thank you! Lets get this beast of emotional eating!

 

On ‎6‎/‎1‎/‎2019 at 4:42 AM, darkfoxx said:

Welcome back! Small goals are still 1000% legit good goals, and sometimes that's all you need to focus on! 

 

Also: That's low-key actually a HUGE goal - you've got this! 

Thanks Darkfoxx. Yep, I have come to realise that I need to start super small.

 

On ‎6‎/‎1‎/‎2019 at 6:31 AM, SkyGirl said:

Welcome home, my dear friend!! I believe in you in every way and I am unspeakably proud of you for continuing to show up and hold onto your hope and determination even when the past is trying so hard to beat you down. Thank you for coming back to us so we can stand with you!!

Sky! I've missed you!! Thank you for welcoming me home with such warmth :) 

 

On ‎6‎/‎5‎/‎2019 at 3:41 AM, Cheetah said:

I hope you're having a great week!

Thanks Cheetah. I'm... okay. 

 

On ‎6‎/‎9‎/‎2019 at 3:17 AM, Miaulin said:

*sends hugs and tea* how you doing, bestest Rho?

Thank you Miau. I gladly accept tea and hugs in equal measure. I may need many, many bathroom breaks though!

 

 

Thanks everyone for checking up on me. Truly. Thanks for being here. I love you all. 

 

Eating has been marginally better. But the binging on crap in a vortex of self loathing is less, and that is a victory. This week happens to contain my 27th birthday. Eek. When did I start to look 30 in the face?? It also means that eating may go a little haywire. Tomorrow night, I'm out with M's parents, and the next day I'm going to hit the box then go down to Kent and spent time with my Dad before a family meal in the evening. Oh, and cake in the office is almost certain to happen at some point. It's a tradition that the company buys a cake and a card for your birthday, even though they give everyone their birthday day off, so it tends to happen the day after or before. 

 

Talking of my birthday, I have to call out @jonfirestar @Charlie_Quinn and @Jarric for being the most amazing friends anyone could ever wish for. We met at Charlie's place on Sunday to play D&D. I met Jon at the train station and he gave me my first gift - Rangers, I have my very own coffee maker! - which is just so lovely of him. And then, after several hours in which we snuck into a dragon's fort, ripped him off then blagged our way out claiming drunkenness, only to return the next day and kill him once we'd rescued the girl (and levelled up. My character now has a beautiful new wolf named Artemis as her animal companion) and then went into the basement and kill a weird shadow creature for no real reason... we were all packing up to leave and Charlie comes out with this amazing cake she made! Three layers of chocolate heaven, with buttercream and enough chocolate bars pushed into the top to give us all diabetes. Complete with candles to blow out! It was so so good and the gesture was really lovely. Not done with making me feel all gooey inside, they also gave me a card and Charlie gave me some really thoughtful gifts. Some lace tags to remind me to keep going and that I am strong, some homemade fudge (she won't share the recipe "for my own good" :lol:) and the loudest and most amusing 'cat on a pizza' vest I have ever seen and I cannot wait to race in it! I didn't cry, but it was close. It actually hit me a little later that evening. Just how loved I felt. And how incredibly grateful and proud I am to call these excellent humans my friends. 

 

Goals for this week: Get some goddamn sleep. It has been awful lately, so much so that even the meds my doctor gave me aren't working. I'm trialling meditation before bed and no tech after 9pm. But attempt 1 last night at meditating was not successful. My brain loves to take a quiet moment of peace and throw up some horrific images to freak out about. I stayed with the light on for a good half hour after that little panic attack. I'm trying a different one tonight, and hopefully I won't react so negatively. 

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"What does your heart tell you?" - Aragorn

 

Epic Quest: In the Footsteps of the Dúnedain: Aragorn's Journey

Current Challenge:      Rhovaniel: Ranger's Apprentice

 

Previous Challenges: 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13 1415|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|2728 29

 

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On 6/10/2019 at 8:59 PM, Rhovaniel said:

I met Jon at the train station and he gave me my first gift - Rangers, I have my very own coffee maker! - which is just so lovely of him

Let's just not mention that I had to ask you what you wanted and that I gave you exactly what you asked for ;) Have a great Birthday Rho. 

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strava - myfitnesspal - Instagram

2019 Roadmap

Spoiler

 

" Always aim for something stupidly crazy." - Charlie Quinn

2019 Races: Cliveden MTR 06/01 | Nuts Challenge 02/03 | Reading Half Marathon 17/03 | W.A.R 27/04 | RRDW 11/05 | Nuclear Oblivion 19/05 | Man vs Lakes 20/07 | Spartan Trifecta Weekend 05-06/10 | OCRWC 11-13/10

 

Current Challenge: First Steps

Previous Challenges: 12 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24

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happy birthday GIF

 

On 6/10/2019 at 9:12 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Happy Birthday! Take it from me, life begins at 30.

 

michelle obama GIF by Election 2016

 

I've had way more fun in my 30s than I did in my 20s. You're still a way away yet!

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Current: Assassins / Instagram

  Previous: 1, 234, 5, 678910, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44

2020 Races: 
CANCELLED! Spartan Trifecta: Beast: 18-APR / Super :11-JUL / Sprint: 12-JUL

Summer Nuts: 5/6-SEPT / Nuclear Blast: 12-SEPT / Nuclear team race: 04-OCT 

"You have the heart of a Rebel"

"I'll take that as a compliment"

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Rho, I had a dream last night that I was sitting at home and got a call from a UK number on my phone. It was you, and you were at the local airport asking if I could pick you up. I went to go get you and brought you home to meet Sra. Tanque. 

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Current Challenge

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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On 6/10/2019 at 2:59 PM, Rhovaniel said:

Three layers of chocolate heaven, with buttercream and enough chocolate bars pushed into the top to give us all diabetes. Complete with candles to blow out!

 

This is a truly incredible visual and i thank you for sharing it with us oh wow.

 

A late late Happy Birthday to you Rho! And best wishes for your sleep to sort itself out, you can get there <3 Are there any scents you find soothing or perhaps a cup of tea?

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Matthew 25:34-40

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