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Gobnait

Gobnait tries to live again.

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I am very depressed, and possibly have PTSD.  Between autism and getting mixed up with two different sets of bullies, I'm a mess socially.  I spend all day on Reddit and since the shitposts get the most points, that's probably even more degradation of my social skills.

 

 

I still haven't gotten the new home put together despite living here for 18 months.  I still have problems with hoarding and not being able to get things done.  Even when I get the dishwasher cycled, there isn't room to do much else.  I get overwhelmed because the space is smaller even though I got rid of a lot.

 

I hit morbidly obese at one point, my feet are messed up so it's hard to walk more than a mile or spend much time standing.  I also have trouble leaving the house because of mental problems.

 

I'm not even sure what I can do to get my life back on track.  I tried getting professional help, but it's hard when the therapists don't take the problem seriously.

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I am sorry that you are hurting and in a bad place. It sounds like you do have problems that deserve to be treated seriously.

 

Is there something, even something small, that you could do today to give yourself a victory?

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Of course there is mr Whisper. Here, look at Gobnait's post. There is a will to get better, so this is already a victory. 

 

Dear Gobnait, the key might be baby steps. Just do something small. Open a window and let some fresh air in (results may vary, depending on your location). Make a bed. Put your shoes in order in the hallway. Just do something. And tomorrow, do the same thing. And if you want, add something else. Again, something small. But keep doing something. Build a momentum. It helps when for some reason you fail at daily activities and feel like crap. With enough momentum, such bad day will be only a pothole in pavement, not a Grand Canyon.

 

And instead of Reddit, go to Imgur and check user MrPuckett. He has lots of wholesomness. I'm rather mediocre at cheering people up, but he can do the thing. But don't browse it too long. It's addicting. 

 

Cheers :) 

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1 hour ago, Whisper said:

I am sorry that you are hurting and in a bad place. It sounds like you do have problems that deserve to be treated seriously.

 

Is there something, even something small, that you could do today to give yourself a victory?

 

I'm not sure that I want to talk about the details here.  In vague terms they refuse to acknowledge that they weren't listening to me and getting me wound up.  They're convinced I'm a monster who's incapable of being in a community.  I think proving them wrong a little bit by showing I can get along with non-bullies will probably be good.

 

I've never been much for working on physical health goals while here.  It was always about mental health and establishing housecleaning routines.  I hope I'm still as welcome as I ever was.

 

49 minutes ago, aramis said:

Of course there is mr Whisper. Here, look at Gobnait's post. There is a will to get better, so this is already a victory. 

 

Dear Gobnait, the key might be baby steps. Just do something small. Open a window and let some fresh air in (results may vary, depending on your location). Make a bed. Put your shoes in order in the hallway. Just do something. And tomorrow, do the same thing. And if you want, add something else. Again, something small. But keep doing something. Build a momentum. It helps when for some reason you fail at daily activities and feel like crap. With enough momentum, such bad day will be only a pothole in pavement, not a Grand Canyon.

 

And instead of Reddit, go to Imgur and check user MrPuckett. He has lots of wholesomness. I'm rather mediocre at cheering people up, but he can do the thing. But don't browse it too long. It's addicting. 

 

Cheers :) 

 

I think one thing that helped with "I didn't do anything today" is that I would come here, post a short list of what I got at least partially done, and it would look like an accomplishment.

 

I flipped to Reddit while typing this.  I should probably abandon my original account so I don't have the karma to be a jerk, be selective in which subs I participate in, and limit how many posts I can make per day.  Like the bigger internet, it's got good corners and bad corners.  I'm also aware of imgur rabbitholes.

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1 minute ago, Gobnait said:

I've never been much for working on physical health goals while here.  It was always about mental health and establishing housecleaning routines.  I hope I'm still as welcome as I ever was.

You're a Rebel, you'll always be welcome. I think at least half of us are working on mental health stuff to some extent.

 

I like the idea of posting your lists to show what you've done.

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I ran out of cigarettes last night and just decided not to get anymore because I cough so much while laying down.  I apologize in advance for crankiness.

 

I ate a bagel with cream cheese and some smoked salmon trimmings that I regularly get as a cheap treat.  

 

There was also fresh salmon that was totally hubby's idea because I lured him into Sam's Club.  Pretty much it was enough for 6 people, we had generous portions, he was talking about throwing the rest out.  I don't understand the argument, but I think he didn't understand that I am usually fine with protein that has been damaged through freezing.  I stuck those in the oven and now I don't know what to do except eat 2 pounds of salmon tomorrow.

 

Hubby also got me a new computer... I have complicated issues about not deciding whether I wanted a gaming computer or a graphics computer.  He got me a graphics computer that's better than my current gaming computer.  I'm very android right now because instead of getting very excited, I recited reasons for my gratitude.  I'm on the old machine ATM, fortunately he understands change-reluctance.

 

Also, social mishap.  I was dragging the trolly up the stairs because ergonomically I can handle it.  I burst out of the stairwell, the elevator opens, I hear a dog and I start shouting "I'm sorry" because dogs are neurotic creatures that get frightened by sticks and weird mesh-structures.  Turns out I was blocking the door and it was a very tiny dog.  I got back to the apartment, but the sound had carried.  Hubby had his back turned and is teasing me about upsetting a dog.  I had to make sure he was joking because I couldn't read his tone.

 

Hubby turned a London broil from the freezer into curry... I have no idea what to cook tomorrow.

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So this morning I needed to get out, so I went to the local "other stores tried to sell this" outlet.  Other than a $2 Lego-knockoff that was worth $2, I bought a bunch of pasta, cheap cooking wine, and new hot-pad/oven-mitt.  Also a stupid duffle bag that was just like the one I can't convince myself to get rid of no matter how much I try to accept that I hate it, but I fell for the store's tricks to make me buy it.  I'll probably fall in love once it has a stink that I can like.  

 

I think I cycled the dishwasher.  I was going to cook cream sauce and gnocchi with leftover chicken, but hubby decided to attend an event and get food on the way, I was schrodinger's cat about whether or not I would go with, he let me decide even though I let him decide with no consequences.  I decided not to go.  

 

Written yesterday, posted today.

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Yesterday, I asked my husband again to help me with furniture moving.  I had been getting pretty pissed about him refusing to help and him getting pissed at me for asking.  He finally said that it would do no good because the floor needed mopping.  It made no sense, but it took me hours to get half of the floor swept enough to get it mopped.  Then we moved furniture.  I'm not sure if I'm happy about the arrangement, but I'm happy about him finally helping.

 

He had also bought a new board-game and taught me a little of how to play.  That was fun and I want more "us doing the same thing" times.

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3 hours ago, Gobnait said:

I want more "us doing the same thing" times

Oh yes, doing things together is really important in relationship. In my case, me and my wife are both tinkerers, so sometimes it's just me sitting at my desk binding a book and her sitting next to me at hers, braiding jewellery. One can say we do separate things, but we craft stuff together, we share the creative spirit and mindset. 

And we love board games as well :) 

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53 minutes ago, aramis said:

One can say we do separate things, but we craft stuff together, we share the creative spirit and mindset.

 

i love that. my partner and i are always doing things alone together. we're doing it right now! i'm checking the forums and reading the last wish while i wait for laundry to cycle and he is editing video and loving up the cats. 

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Good for you for logging on here and trying to change things:)

 

I agree with aramis the key is small changes that are big enough to consitute an actual change but small enough so that they don't seem like a mountain that's impossible to climb and robs you off your motivation. Then after 4 weeks evaluate, change a little and apply again. That's the idea behind 4 week challenges and in my opinion it's brilliant

 

On 5/29/2019 at 12:01 AM, Gobnait said:

 

 

 

 

I think one thing that helped with "I didn't do anything today" is that I would come here, post a short list of what I got at least partially done, and it would look like an accomplishment.

 

Posting on here is great! That's what the forums/challenges are for and then it seems that your main goal is to log on here and share what you've done or partially done right?

 

Any small things you feel you would benefit from doing every day? Something small like cutting something out of your diet or having less of something in your diet? Any basic stretches or chores you would want to do every day?

You wrote that walking hurts, is it painful even for shorter distances? Otherwise a step counter with a goal to walk x steps a day can be good (start small and increase maybe?)?

Going from 100 to 0 on reddit might be hard, but maybe consider how much time you spend on there on average in a day and reduce that a bit and aim for that? Maybe even choose a specific time during the day that you can go on there and a timer that tells you when it's time to stop?

 

To summarize, if there is any measurable way you can track that you are moving in the right direction on a daily basis you would probably benefit from that:)

 

Of course if you feel that the logging you are doing so far is the right first step for you then my comment is unnecessary and I'll just follow the thread with interest as it is

 

Good luck!

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Yesterday, I walked to a psych intake appointment.  She thought that I would have been diagnosed as a child if I was really autistic.  For one thing, females are likely to go undiagnosed.  For another, they had stopped testing me by the time the DSM4 came out, so I never got checked for aspergers.  The woman got confused and was like "how old are you?" which I guess is a compliment.  I did get validation that a lot of the shrinks I had were total idiots, but she can't do anything for me until I stop drinking.  Even with knowing that I get hurt during meltdowns, she wasn't able to recommend anything to work on the PTSD-like stuff.  Their office is also anti-pot and she had a personal belief against it because it's not quality-controlled like CBD oil.

 

Today, I got a bit lost on sequences while trying to get a corner of the room cleared out, and I think a loop formed.  I want a case to hold a pile of paperbacks and broke that sequence by deciding to see if I can get rid of any and tossing them someplace else in the meantime.  There's also a thing I want to put in hubby's office, and I'd trade him some messy boxes put elsewhere if he wasn't so against having to put in effort towards getting the place in shape.  But I got the bookcase cleared out enough that I can see every book on it, and at least 4 are missing.  I got to the point where I could say "I am upset" and then pushed that fuck-feeling away because actually showing that you're upset is bad.  Besides, there is at least one box of books in hubby's pile that I can't get to, and I figured 4 books with the same size and subject could easily be in a box he won't unpack.

 

I also got one load of laundry started.  I need to keep going on that.  I should also put "get one of the game systems working" as a priority so I have something to do besides reddit tonight.  Getting a game system working is actually more difficult than it sounds.  Something went funny with Steam that I can't fix, PS4 has a fried battery in the controller but I have a replacement battery, PS2 should have all of the cables handy but unless I left a disc in it (and the disc survived) I'm stuck playing Blood Omen 2... scratch that, I can get to the PS1 discs I think.  The Gamecube most likely has a disc left in it.

 

I'm on my own for dinner, so I'm thinking either pierogies, gnocchi with a side of cold cheese and green pepper, maybe some hard-boiled eggs and pickles.

 

I also really need to cycle the dishwasher at least once, preferably twice, preferably three times because the fridge also needs attention.

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On 6/3/2019 at 8:20 AM, Pagaru92 said:

I agree with aramis the key is small changes that are big enough to consitute an actual change but small enough so that they don't seem like a mountain that's impossible to climb and robs you off your motivation. Then after 4 weeks evaluate, change a little and apply again. That's the idea behind 4 week challenges and in my opinion it's brilliant

 

Yes.  Because of that, I suddenly had the thought that maybe the Nerdfitness template might be useful for a hoarders-only forum.  (Because of shame, a lot of hoarders prefer not to let non-hoarders know.)

 

On 6/3/2019 at 8:20 AM, Pagaru92 said:

Any small things you feel you would benefit from doing every day? Something small like cutting something out of your diet or having less of something in your diet? Any basic stretches or chores you would want to do every day?

 

I want to set up a chore chart.  I would go gamification app, but having a magnetic chart seems to work better.

 

On 6/3/2019 at 8:20 AM, Pagaru92 said:

You wrote that walking hurts, is it painful even for shorter distances? Otherwise a step counter with a goal to walk x steps a day can be good (start small and increase maybe?)?

Going from 100 to 0 on reddit might be hard, but maybe consider how much time you spend on there on average in a day and reduce that a bit and aim for that? Maybe even choose a specific time during the day that you can go on there and a timer that tells you when it's time to stop?

 

Just standing to clean was not good.  I do have a fitbit, so my unconscious pacing is picked up.  I'm also afraid to go outside a lot of times because of what happens when I let my mind wander.  

 

As for Reddit, they're making me change my password before letting me interact, so I'm going to see how long I can go with being on receive-only.  

 

I'm going to go for logging-only with what I manage to do each day.  I'll try to have something good to put, but no promises.  Right now, I fail so hard at trying to make and drink tea every day.  

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Logging and communicating on a forum sounds like a great start and if you feel that that is a helpful to start you on a journey then that is a great thing to do for this challenge.

 

Keep it up, we're all here to learn and encourage together

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On 5/28/2019 at 6:01 PM, Gobnait said:

I've never been much for working on physical health goals while here.  It was always about mental health and establishing housecleaning routines.  I hope I'm still as welcome as I ever was.

You are always welcome

 

I find putting things on paper (I love my daily planner) I make a list and check it off when I'm done, and for some reason seeing that makes it more satisfying...ymmv. When I get sidetracked I have it there to look at and get back on track...I tried it with my phone but the apps were too distracting for me

13 hours ago, Gobnait said:

I want to set up a chore chart.  I would go gamification app, but having a magnetic chart seems to work better.

 

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On 5/29/2019 at 7:01 AM, Gobnait said:

I hope I'm still as welcome as I ever was.

Everyone's already said so, but you're definitely welcome here! We're delighted to have you back. :) 

 

On 5/29/2019 at 7:01 AM, Gobnait said:

I've never been much for working on physical health goals while here.  It was always about mental health and establishing housecleaning routines.

Lots of people in the Rebel guild are like this, so you'll fit right in. And more than a few of us are doing constant battle with our messy homes. ;) You might check out Fleaball's thread, she's currently cleaning out a lot of accumulated stuff that's become stifling in her parents house. She's also struggling with a lot of mental stuff and personal life drama, though, so it might be tough to read sometimes. Up to you.  

 

On 5/29/2019 at 7:01 AM, Gobnait said:

I'm not sure that I want to talk about the details here.  In vague terms they refuse to acknowledge that they weren't listening to me and getting me wound up.  They're convinced I'm a monster who's incapable of being in a community.

On 6/5/2019 at 2:12 AM, Gobnait said:

Yesterday, I walked to a psych intake appointment.  She thought that I would have been diagnosed as a child if I was really autistic. 

I would say it sounds like you have a talent for discovering rude and unhelpful psychs, but I've had some trouble in that department, myself. The DSM is a mess, and every psychologist I've ever talked to acts like whatever version they studied is the ONLY version. And psychologists can be extraordinarily dismissive about things outside their area of expertise. 

 

One thing that helps me a lot is doing my own studying. There are books about most of the issues I struggle with, ranging from "what is this" to "what causes this" to "how to deal with this." My experience has been that books are a lot less judgmental than counsellors, but it can be very validating to read about your own experience in a book written by a stranger. It might help. 

 

Regarding PTSD, I know you said you were bullied. It sounds like that went on for quite a while (and in sequence?), and like it was on top of some other issues. Have you heard of CPTSD? The C is for "complex," but the main difference is that while PTSD is usually caused by a single horrible event, CPTSD is caused by accumulated stress over a long period. You might look into it. Another one that's helped me is "dysthymia," which is kind of a low-grade but long-term depression. In many cases, and especially when it starts in childhood, people just consider it part of their personality. It's kind of like, if you imagine the "normal" baseline of emotions with a wavy curve over it representing people's high and low emotions, people with dysthymia have a baseline that's lower. So our happy is maybe only a regular person's average, and our sad or angry is a much deeper pit. 

 

I hope you stick around at NF, and I hope you start to see some positive changes! <3 Good luck. 

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Let's see, Tuesday after checking in, I ended up too drunk to manage with trying to get a console working.  I didn't even cook, I just ate a bagel.

 

Wednesday was a very "nothing done" day.  I ate two ham & cheese sandwiches, and then a half-packet of gnocchi.  Hubby's controller for the PS4 came, so I played Okami for an hour.  I must admit that even though I hate that damn recliner, having someplace to sit rather than the bed or a dining room chair is nice.  I cleaned out the corner of the room some more.

 

I doubted that I could lift the firebox, but I managed.  The best thing about having a document safe is that it's hard to lose.  The boozelocker was tricky, and I wouldn't have managed if it didn't have two wheels.  That left a big pile of paperbacks, which I threw into an old shipping box that was lying around.  I put some pillows in that corner, (really the beanbags I keep the spare blankets in) and I regretted that I didn't have the old couch bolsters anymore.  I wonder if hubby will let me get a small beanbag chair.  

 

Today, I need to get hubby's blankets washed and some more dishes done, hopefully with a fridge cleanout.

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2 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

I would say it sounds like you have a talent for discovering rude and unhelpful psychs

 

2 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

The C is for "complex," but the main difference is that while PTSD is usually caused by a single horrible event, CPTSD is caused by accumulated stress over a long period.

 

I'm on a CPTSD subreddit, but a lot of them had it from their parents.  My parents didn't abuse me, they just didn't know any better when letting the school system do it.  The schools were treating me like a malicious little shit because aspergers wasn't a thing yet.  Me not being able to stand up for myself against authority is what caused every problem since, so it's not really a talent.

 

But someone told me recently that a lot of psych people have NPD.  My dad had a belief that a lot of psych people got their degree while trying to figure out what was wrong with themselves.  Really, I guess that a lot of psych people don't last if they have a proper sense of empathy.

 

I'm hesitant about trying self-help books that talk about deeper problems, but I am looking into ordering a book called "How to be happy, or at least less sad."

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Yesterday truly felt like a "not much" day.  I cooked rice but I haven't figured out IP rice yet so it was crunchy.  I microwaved a bag of stir-fry vegetables and some chicken tenders.  It was gross.  I might have gotten a load through the dishwasher and washed hubby's blankets.  I also pulled the bad insoles out of my house-shoes and replaced them with some spares I had in my sock drawer.  (I had gotten better insoles for some boots and sneakers, so the originals were available.)  Mostly I just played my game.  

 

This morning, I woke up just before 4, put on pjamas, noticed the time, and went back to bed.  I thought I was having a luxerious sleep-in, but I got up before 6.  I managed not to leap out of bed even though part of my dreams were arguing with the idiots.

 

I'm really tempted to have someone PM me so they could read a particular log and try to figure out what was going on with those people. 

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Yesterday I washed sheets, I think.  I don't know.  I was very sleepy and I ended up putting a blanket on my bad and just napping.

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Welp, if anyone finds this image useful, grab it because I might try to delete it later.

 

<blockquote class="imgur-embed-pub" lang="en" data-id="a/NCnveN3"><a href="//imgur.com/NCnveN3">When your gym membership runs out in 5 minutes.</a></blockquote><script async src="//s.imgur.com/min/embed.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

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Heyyyy, I'm just dropping in to say Hi! I went through many years where I was overwhelmed with the ordinary day to day requirements of living and rarely left the house. So I can relate somewhat. I hope the forums and 4-week-challenges will be helpful for you. I'd be happy to talk about what things worked best for me, but I don't want to just dump unsolicited advice on your thread.

One thing I do want to say is that you deserve a therapist who is helpful for you. You don't need to understand WHY the other ones were unhelpful--they're just people and there could be lots of reasons--you just need to keep trying until you get someone who is good for you. Good luck! 

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