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Heidi: Release

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There was a moment in the tub when I realized that my life mantra has been getting shorter.


I am still here.

I am still.

I am.


The depth of acceptance and balance is impressive and beautiful this summer. I'm looking forward to sitting with this challenge and being myself (frequently with dogsitting).

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Week 1: May 27 - June 2.

It was a blur. I had a rough time physically and emotionally. The only thing that brought peace was visiting Vivian, farming, and time in the garden.


Medical: ER, EEG, other stuff. It's rough in here.


Healing: Garden and Vivian and pet sitting and baths. There is support and friendship and love. The more I accept love, the more love there is to accept. The Universe loves me and wants me to be happy.


Academics: I submitted to my workshop and the work was received as "ravishing." David Payne will be working with me over the summer and into the future as I craft my pieces into a book, possibly (hopefully??) worthy of publication. It's a mentoring relationship, and a surprise, but an inspiration. I turned in 60+ pages for the beginning of the crafting of the final work. I have 11 moons left to make a thesis if 80+ pages, and I'd love to have each piece knife-edge sharp by April. Working title: Kaleidoscope: A Signature of Pieces.


Philosophy: I have registered as a Consulting Philosopher; I got asked to he on a panel for the regional conference of the American Philosophy Association in February (topic: Love In Public); I submitted an abstract for consideration for the Philosophy of the City Conference in Detroit in October.


Inspiration: I visited the commune from last summer. The walk down the driveway felt like a homecoming. There is something powerful to explore in this.


I can't drive, so I won't be able to get out to the commune again before Thursday at the earliest. But I'm looking forward to going soon, whenever that is.


Knitting: the Capelet design is coming along. The lace dress is almost ready and is going to make its debut at the Solstice gathering of Friends.


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Also, I don't do much in the way of screen time, so feel free to look at my random pet and garden posts on Instagram @theheidifeed.

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Whatever is gunning for me gets points for tenacity.


I was bitten by a brown recluse spider in early June. The effects were disgusting -- just truly icky as well as all the debilitating stuff you've heard about (all true). 


So I've been doing the wound care thing and major antibiotics and don't-die thing. I have pictures of the disgustingness. 


I am happy to report that I am *still* not dead. No yoga or Tai chi or even acupuncture. I won't be able to drive for about a year, at the earliest.


The seizures have been getting some relief by a visual workaround created by the neurological optometrist. Pro tip: if you're looking for a high demand professional job, neurological anything is wide open. Optometry is, too.


The vegetable shares started and I'm in love with the bounty. We've moved beyond the month of Spinach and Zucchini loom on the horizon.


I submitted Writing to my mentor and have another packet in the wings - we will be working together on the thesis and digging in the tender spots. He finds my work radioactive and great. I have about 15 pages worth keeping. 65 more to go, and nine moons to do it.


Support court was as boring as I had hoped it would be.


The Progressive Era lace dress made her debut at a Solstice gathering. (Pictures at the Instagram feed in case these don't come through.)


Sophia Roanoke is having its first meeting.


I ache everywhere, and I'm really tired. But there is love and light all around. It is enough. 


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15 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Oh man, I'm sorry the universe is gunning for you. I don't know many people who could handle all that with the equanimity you display.

Thanks, @Tanktimus the Encourager. I'm not going to lie: it's been hellish.


Tears in the night, moments of knowing I can't take another step, calls to girlfriends, meetings where I confess my absolute inability to know anything, ever -- these have been the stepping Stones through the darkness. Some days the only reason I wasn't ranting my head off was because I simply didn't have the energy.


I feel a bit as though I'm being purified, in the chemical sense. Take a thing, set it on fire; whatever's left, dunk in acid.


And yet I still love.


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Most awesome and scary thing I did this challenge was change my wound dressing. There was a hole in my skin, narrow but deep, and I had to shove silver-infused packing material in the hole to act as a wick against infection. Aside from the pain of touching and cramming against open infected skin, the silver burned (but I lived, so I'm pretty certain I'm not a werewolf - like 99% solid on this). That was just step one, of course. Removing the bandage, the old wick and washing the site was step 0, and frankly, I was a weeping mess by the time I was done each time.


Each time.


Some badass I am, I thought.

My cells broke out in sweat trying to get away from not just the pain but the whole activity. It was psychically disorienting to try to continue. The focus required is exhausting.


I am not cut out to be a medic.


Fortunately, I did a good enough job that the necrosis stopped, the blistering stopped, and healing could start. The doctor was able to go in and cut out the (super weird looking purple-black) dead tissue and now there's just a gaping hole of cut up flesh, which can heal in the normal fashion. Changing the dressing requires silver infused padding, but just a simple layer, not a cramming it in activity. 


Still (probably) not a werewolf.

Might be a bit more of a badass, though.


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