Treva Fights for Herself

[Treva]

Hey gang!  

Welcome to my battle log!  I’m Treva, and I’ve been on Nerdfitness for years.  I've been running (and will still run!) with the monks, because we have a great guild with lovely humans in it.  I finally feel like I am in a good enough place with my fitness that I can step away from challenges that might not fit with my new not-school schedule.  So here we are!!  

Nerdfitness has helped me both with personal physical health, but learning how to stick up for myself and fight for the things I want in my own life.  Hence the title, and definitely needing to continue on here in a way that doesn't fit the challenge mold.  

 

How this is starting:

I’m staring down the barrel of a challenging program that takes care of a lot of complicated patients.  I am super excited for this, but I know 1) I won’t have time for challenges, and 2) managing my own health is going to be really important.  So this will hopefully help me stay accountable and drive towards my goals without the stress or constraints of a usual challenge. 

 

Goals and how to get there

Happy body: 

Diet: Eat healthy foods most of the time

Exercise: Do a form of exercise every day.

 

Happy brain: 

Intellect: do a form of studying every day

Mental health: Spend some time on myself in some way, every day

 

Happy heart:

Spiritual health: Meditate every day.  

Relationship health: Be better at sticking up for myself.

 

I’ve made lists of things I can do based on the amount of time I have

 

Diet:

No time: Buy salads.  Avoid the ramen (there is a ramen place in the hospital and this is BAD).

Some time: Weekend meal prep whenever you can

Lots of time: AVOCADO TOAST TIME!!!! (try new recipes!  Make spritz cookies! Treat my fellow interns to my baked goods!)

 

Exercise:

No time: Get cardio in during the day, do random planks, one legged squats, and pushups whenever I get a moment.  

Little time: Tabata training, S&S, sword stuff

Some time: S&S and strength training.

Lots of time: Full ABC/Cardio flow.

 

Intellect

No time: practice questions

Little time: Practice questions and write down the answers

Some time: book study

Lots of time: Book study and read papers

 

Mental Health:

No time: calm the sympathetic drive so I can get a good night’s rest.  Melatonin, alcohol if within regulation.

Little time: quick journaling, spot piano work on the way home

Some time: facemask, self massage, pipe organ work

Lots of time: ERRY DAY I’M PIPE ORGANING (or at a live instrument!!)

 

Spiritual health

No time: Quick prayers, when and where I can.

Little time: Five minute meditations

Some time: listen to homilies, sermons, or chant online

Lots of time: actually go to church.

 

Relationship health

Take a quiet breath before proceeding.

[Treva]

Important milestones:

6/23/19: Start!

7/19: first pull ups

10/10/19 Played without panic

12/19 Barbell squatted over 100 pounds!  And found out my diet can be more flexible than I thought.

1/2020: admitted that I needed to take a few days off to recover from an illness.  

2/2020: found that my emotional state is most heavily impacted by how much sleep I get.

5/2020: First successful safety vault!

7/2020: survived intern year to become a PGY2

11/2020: first USG PIV as a real doctor

12/2020-1/2021: Covid vaccinated

3/2021: Finally learned to trust my clinical instincts and began having confidence.

5/2021: Stress test demonstrated healthy athletic performance.

[Treva]

Wisdom people have given to me, for days when I need it:

 

[Kishi]

Oh hi!

 

Welcome to this portion of the site. I like it a ton; I hope it works out well for you too.

[Mistr]

Yay for starting the next phase of your life!

 

I like your goals. You have covered all the bases for things to do and planned ahead for being really busy a lot of the time.

 

I'm glad to hear that your new apartment is a big improvement on the old one. Are you still roommates with your brother?

[Treva]

On 6/24/2019 at 10:31 AM, Kishi said:

Oh hi!

 

Welcome to this portion of the site. I like it a ton; I hope it works out well for you too.

Thanks!! I hope so too

 

 

On 6/24/2019 at 12:07 PM, Mistr said:

Yay for starting the next phase of your life!

 

I like your goals. You have covered all the bases for things to do and planned ahead for being really busy a lot of the time.

 

I'm glad to hear that your new apartment is a big improvement on the old one. Are you still roommates with your brother?

Thanks!! I am trying to remain flexible and keep my goals achievable

 

So far so good.  I'm effectively working a very luxurious 11 on / 13 off schedule.  Except on call days.  It's very generous.  I figure this first week is a throw away to get myself situated, but next week I can really start prioritizing and getting things to work out for me.  

 

Happy Body

So far I've started off with easing back into a deloaded S&S yesterday, a slightly reduced regular S&S today with some tabata training today as well.  I end up getting a lot of steps in running around the hospital, but I want some strength training to counterbalance all the butt sitting and cortisol-level-raising work I'm doing.  I really like my habit bull tracking app; it works for me and even though I'm not really building a habit, I can keep track of my health that way.  I've had to depend on out of the house lunches for a bit, but I had time yesterday to monster meal prep for myself.  that was nice! 

 

Happy Brain

I've been good on the intellect front--even with the crazy, I put on a 20 min crit care podcast each morning so I can wake my brain up for prerounding.  It's like coffee.  For your brain.  I have been slowly getting better on the mental health front--I practiced organ the other day, and have had some time to sit in the window seat and drink tea.  I want to take more time for myself; hopefully this weekend when we are allowed to leave earlier, I can.  And GO TO GYM!!!!!  And practice!!!

 

Happy heart

 I have been keeping up with my core important friendships and telling my friends and family how much I appreciate them.  I've been forging new friendships within my class; my co-intern is really kind and we get along well.

 

Other Shtuff: I finished my CS Lewis The Four Loves the other day.  I like what he has to say about some of the four, and not others.  I think eros gets a bit of the short end of the stick, but Charity, Friendship, and Affection are all discussed well.  Charity does get a little bit away from me; I don't always understand what he's talking about.

 

 

[Mistr]

Yay for getting off to a good start on your internship!

 

I am glad you are making friends with people at work. Those are going to be important when you are spending nearly all your waking hours there.

[Treva]

On 6/28/2019 at 9:44 AM, Mistr said:

Yay for getting off to a good start on your internship!

 

I am glad you are making friends with people at work. Those are going to be important when you are spending nearly all your waking hours there.

I like my new friends.  So far we are not all Same Brain, but we are similar brain and all very perky/positive, so that  helps.  

 

Happy Body: 
Meal prepping was a great idea; now I can come home and I have no excuse not to eat healthy.  I also discovered that there's an accessible grocery store that sells frozen shelled edamame beans and I can't tell you what that means to me.

It's easy to get my cardio in at work, I'm always doing somewhere between 7.5 and 10K steps every day.  one of my cointerns is into crossfit, so we talk shop and encourage each other to go to the gym.  One of my nursing colleagues and I exchanged numbers so we can further encourage gym buddy-ness.  So that's been really helpful to now have accountabilibuddies built into my work place

 

Happy brain: 

Escalating my crit care podcast AM stuff to now also trying to do some studying when I get home, starting today!  I've also gotten better about squeezing in practice time and using my days off to prep myself for success on my days on.

 

Happy heart: still been keeping up with my core relationships.  I was having a rough sunday night and reached out to a friend, who was really supportive and had good emotional awareness/spiritual advice for me.  

 

Hookay, to work!

[Mistr]

Yay for getting off to a solid start!

 

Having food you like and friends to support you makes life much better.

[Kishi]

I am super happy to hear that you've got some solid support in place. After all the trouble of med school, this must be very much a relief.

 

Also super glad to hear that y'all mean to be "Docs Who Lift." Way to lead your patients by example!

[Treva]

I have not chimed in nearly as much as I would have liked, but I guess that's how things go when you're starting a new job.

 

Happy Body: It has been, of course, hard to get in enough sleep.  I have trouble getting down sometimes in the evenings, especially if work has been busy.  That said, I am working on being more efficient at the hospital, so I can leave earlier and get back to the things I enjoy doing.  I have still been able to get to the gym and get through all my exercises like I usually do.  Cardio at the gym has taken the biggest hit, since I spend a lot of time on my feet at work.  But I still do my S&S, and I still do my strength training, and for right now that's enough.  I'm getting to the gym 3-4 times a week, which is pretty good considering our call schedules are on a four day rotation.

I am being a little bit more careful with making sure I take time to rest.  Naps on my days off are more of a thing now.  I am all about that cortisol reduction strategy.  I wish I had something good for staying calm at work!! Probably reciting captain cold at myself

And this is why I love captain cold.  And prison break.  But that's another story.

Diet has been okay.  I snack plenty.  Lots of fruits and vegetables, but probably too much chocolate and sugar/plant protein.  

 

Happy brain: still going strong on my crit care podcast!  Although I'm starting to run out of episodes--I'll have to start finding something else to listen to in the mornings.  I was able to do a big practice session yesterday, which showed me I've made some progress on the things I've been committed to working on.  I am hoping to find a rhythm soon at work, so I can again, get home earlier, and do more studying and practicing.  Work isn't a lot of education, mostly execution of busywork.  Getting motivated to do some of it is hard.  I have also gotten a lot of mixed messages about studying.  I think I need to pay attention to the lessons of Past Mary to start studying early, and to hell with the rest of the advice!!  

 

Happy heart: been working on different types of prayers, on a recommendation from a friend.  They are helpful when I remember to do them.  Sometimes I am really tired and forget.  I've been doing better at reaching out to people, or at least trying to figure out when I come across as hostile when I don't intend to.  It's usually when I am feeling very sad and want to withdraw.  

I have been still struggling with enjoying certain things in medicine, but knowing those things might be prohibitive for music or having a life.  It was the most hard recently when I was the only one in my work group who wasn't married/in a long term relationship.  It was very hard sometimes to come into work and hear about everyone else's days with their spouses.  I enjoy my space, I really do!  the flexibility and not having to report to anyone, and being able to do whatever I want with my time, is really amazing.  

But, you know.  Emotional connection.  My new group of interns seem super cool and I get along well with one of them, at least right now, so that's pretty neat!  It's good to be able to work with people who have a similar sense of humor.  That's nice for right now, at least.

[Jupiter]

2 hours ago, Treva said:

I wish I had something good for staying calm at work!! Probably reciting captain cold at myself

And this is why I love captain cold.  And prison break.  But that's another story.

 

LOL this just made my day. I love Captain Cold. I hope they bring him back for a cameo this season. 

 

[Mistr]

I'm glad to hear that you are adapting to the new job. I was just wondering how things were going for you. I agree with Captain Cold's advice. I feel better having a plan even when I have to throw it out.

 

Great job taking time to work out on work days and nap on days off.

 

Take your time on deciding what you like in medicine and in life. This year has to be pretty much devoted to all the medicine, all the time. You already know that you want a different balance which includes music. Embrace this as an opportunity to see which aspects of real medical practice you enjoy and which things in the rest of your life you can't live without.

 

I think you are smart to do studying now. That will save you a LOT of stress later.

[Treva]

On 7/23/2019 at 11:01 PM, Jupiter said:

 

LOL this just made my day. I love Captain Cold. I hope they bring him back for a cameo this season. 

 

captain cold is great!

On 7/24/2019 at 5:55 PM, Mistr said:

I'm glad to hear that you are adapting to the new job. I was just wondering how things were going for you. I agree with Captain Cold's advice. I feel better having a plan even when I have to throw it out.

 

Great job taking time to work out on work days and nap on days off.

 

Take your time on deciding what you like in medicine and in life. This year has to be pretty much devoted to all the medicine, all the time. You already know that you want a different balance which includes music. Embrace this as an opportunity to see which aspects of real medical practice you enjoy and which things in the rest of your life you can't live without.

 

I think you are smart to do studying now. That will save you a LOT of stress later.

Thanks.  today was really bad, but now I know what in my plan I have to throw out.

I am certainly trying to embrace it.  I am taking the pressure off myself to practice lots on days when I work,  and whatever practice I do on my days off has to bottom line make me feel better.  

I am certainly going to study now.  I think getting started on some practice questions is a good move.  I'll probably start that tonight.

 

Today was pretty crappy, to be totally honest.  Between my colleagues and myself, I looked awful on morning rounds.  I know what to do for tomorrow, so hopefully this won't have to happen again.  The saving grace is I have a really good senior who seems to have my back, for whatever reason, and he has the power to fix at least some of the things that were giving me trouble.  So, I'm throwing out the plan of how I used to do things in the morning, and doing something different tomorrow.  It can't get any worse, so might as well try something new.

 

Happy Body: I am still on the salad and gym train, and everyone else can go to hell.  I'm getting lots of steps in at the hospital, and if I can get out early enough--or even when I can't--I make it to the gym to do S&S and whatever is on the strength training docket that day.  I haven't been checking my weight, but all my clothes still fit.   I got myself a new jacket that fits better so I don't feel so lousy about how I look in scrubs.   I have been napping, and hitting up the melatonin so I go to bed on time.

 

Happy Brain: I held off on listening to the crit care podcast this morning, but otherwise I do it.  I've started going through my medication charts again, and I'm going to change how I round in the morning.  I'm going to take a look at banks of questions to buy, and pick one this week.  Work this month is more of an education than last month, but it's still not the best way for me to sustain the knowledge.

 

Happy heart: I've been bad about prayers, but I think I've been better about being emotionally strong.  Today I took some time to sit away from the team, which was nice; I needed the space.  I didn't break down today, and I have been taking lots of time to practice and remind myself I've been through worse (no matter what my seniors say).  Conservatory was hell.  I've seen the movie whiplash and it's mostly true to form.  The truest bits of it where when the band leader had his drummers stay till god awful hours until someone played things right, or when he throws the main character on stage at carnegie hall just to throw him under the bus and send him off stage.  That's happened to me a lot.  So today doesn't bother me so much.  I think it's finding the right way to use that pain and turn it into strength.  Still working on that, outside of "today was not as bad as that, and I was okay after that, so I can be okay after this too."

 

It is hard to convince my seniors, though.  they're all "this is a marathon" and I'm like "Yeah I know I've done tougher stuff." and I am not sure they understand how bad music school is.  

I suppose that is for the best.

[Mistr]

On 7/27/2019 at 6:21 PM, Treva said:

I think it's finding the right way to use that pain and turn it into strength.  Still working on that, outside of "today was not as bad as that, and I was okay after that, so I can be okay after this too."

 

It is hard to convince my seniors, though.  they're all "this is a marathon" and I'm like "Yeah I know I've done tougher stuff." and I am not sure they understand how bad music school is.  

I suppose that is for the best.

 

Yeah, I can see where doctors would have an emotional investment in their training being tougher than music school. They are wrong, but I don't think there is any benefit in trying to convince them of that. Music school doesn't get the press that med school does. If you can convince them that you are going to be okay, that is enough.

 

That said, I hope you have more and more good days in the weeks ahead.

[Kishi]

Hmm.

 

Random question: how far along are you on S&S?

[Teirin]

Hope things are good!

 

[Treva]

oh man, it's been a minute, hasn't it.  Long month on my last service.  But it was good, I learned plenty.  Things are calmer for the next few weeks, so I'm hoping to catch up with all of you and with my family.

 

On 7/29/2019 at 6:41 PM, Mistr said:

 

Yeah, I can see where doctors would have an emotional investment in their training being tougher than music school. They are wrong, but I don't think there is any benefit in trying to convince them of that. Music school doesn't get the press that med school does. If you can convince them that you are going to be okay, that is enough.

 

That said, I hope you have more and more good days in the weeks ahead.

I did try.  I did learn that there's going to be a difference between the toughness at music school, and the toughness in medicine.  When I was at music school it was "we beat you, because you have talent, and the beating helps."  Medicine is "we beat you because it makes us feel better."  Music school comes with the concession that you have something that can be cultivated.  Medicine doesn't.  

That said, it is forcing me to build my own self worth in ways I didn't have to previously, so that mandatory direction of growth is good.

 

On 8/8/2019 at 6:36 PM, Kishi said:

Hmm.

 

Random question: how far along are you on S&S?

I'm still doing 20lb TGUs and 25lb one arm swings.  I've gently started to escalate  and added in one or two 25lb TGUs with a few 30 lb two arm and one arm sets of swings.  I'll be brutally honest, I'm afraid of bulking out, which is why I haven't escalated.  I'm trying to get my body fat percentage down before I escalate weights on anything below my back/shoulders.  I'm already staring at the mirror and screaming "bubble butt" at myself.  I will be biting the bullet at some point this weekend and seeing if I can get fat calipers from the local GNC.

 

On 8/11/2019 at 7:07 PM, Teirin said:

Hope things are good!

 

Thanks for checking in!!! things are things!!

 

Happy body:  So this one was hard the last month.  I ended up reverting to "little-some" time on diet, meaning I would pack salads as often as I could, and then do the local subway or salads when I was stuck overnight.  the last few nights I ended up needing mountain dew to get me through, so in the future Ill just get the diet and do a hard heckin cardio the next day.  Ultimately, this girl has to be awake overnight for crashing patients, and mountain dew and espresso are the things to get your through from hours 16-28.

 

So my body didn't lose too much strength, and actually I didn't lose much ground in the way of cardio either!  I think my body fat percentage went up, more due to cortisol/stress/I'm awake for 30 hours and everything is TERRIBLE.  The frustrating part is I stayed on plan for most of it, but had to do some increase chocolate intake for emotional reasons.  My team was all "Pizza" and I'm like "THE HOLY MACRO DEFENDS ME."   

 

I'm escalating (gently) my S&S as above.  Updates to my days of things

Arm day

Set 1: 10 pushups, 5-6 weighted neutral grip pull ups with 2.5lbs

Set 2: 10 pushups, 5-6 weighted neutral grip pull ups with 2.5 lbs

Set 3: 10 push ups, 22.5 hangs (4 reps of shoulder shrugs)

Set 4: 6x2 spidermans, 22.5 hangs (4 reps of shoulder shrugs)

Set 5: 4x2 knee offset pushups, 4x2 real offset pushups, 22.5lb hangs (4 reps of shoulder shrugs)

Set 6: 6 divebombers, 22.5 or 25lb shoulder shrugs.

 

Leg day:

3x4x2 of one legged squats to airplanes with resistance bands

3x4x2 one legged arabesques/dips/one legged squats from hell

Bosu ball balances, bosu ball one legged squats.

 

Core day

Pilates fab five

Pilates side leg series

Pilates "all fours" series

Pilates seated series

skiers?  Those things with the resistance band around your leg

one legged side planks.  

shifting planks

 

 

I can get through S&S and my strength training in 45min-60 min, which is pretty good.  Some days only 30 minutes, which has been great.  I am thinking to add more reps, now that I've become more efficient at things.  As I've mentioned before, I'm trying not to bulk out, just get stronger.  Angry body image obsessed Treva is screaming "bubble butt/jelly belly" at me in the mirror recently, and she needs to shut up, but sometimes she had valid points.  Based on the article I went back and reread, I need to be doing 6-12+ reps of lighter stuff, rather than bigger and heavier?

One issue I'm running into is it's hard to get to a grocery store/on a budget, so I'm often left depending on carbs for my meals instead of protein and veggies.  I need to rethink my strategies a little bit.  I'm wondering if there are good frozen veggie options I can use at lunch time, instead of depending on salads.  I.e, make some kind of veggie mess for lunch from frozen or canned produce, rather than salads.  Less fresh produce=fewer grocery runs per month/things going bad in my fridge less often. 

 

Happy Brain:

So I have been pretty good about this, actually.  I got myself a question bank so I can keep doing questions every day to keep up my knowledge base, and I've been working through some of the old editions of the medicine board review books most people use.  It was a slow start, but it's happening.  Since I only need a new one every 2-4 weeks, and they're about 10 bucks used on amazon, it's a good investment

For taking care of myself, I have started doing Aggressive Napping, which is a wonderful beautiful thing that I adore.  I've got lots of good quick fix strategies which are helpful, but overall the best strategy for taking care of myself this past month has been sleeping whenever, whereever possible.  I've slept on every flat surface in my apartment. 

Another thing that has been great is making sure I use the dishwasher and my roomba regularly.  I've reorganized my room, bathroom, living room, and kitchen flows to make for easy cleaning and maintenance, and so far so good.  I'm not as uptight about everything being immaculate, but I've optimized the storage situation so we have room for everything now, and we now have designated spaces where messes are allowed to be (and where they are certainly NOT supposed to be).  

 

Happy heart

have not been meditating every day.  Nope.  Not even close.  Just haven't been setting aside the time.  Apparently if I'm going to sit  down and be quiet, I'm going to fall asleep for five minutes instead of meditate.  

Relationship health: I am better at sticking up for myself, even if its, "hey this conversation makes me uncomfortable.  I'm going to work somewhere else right now."  It's not aggressive or invasive, and it means I can keep my temper and emotions under wraps.  I am also better at feeling like I am allowed to take up space.  I read a few good articles about how to deal with bullies and people being aggressive/trying to take the more dominant position in a situation, and how to diffuse someone exerting power or control over your actions.  Mostly, if they demand you do something, ask them why and turn their demands around.

Other things I have been doing is watching an unholy amount of bad cop-romance TV shows and trying to make myself sick of relationships, because let's be honest being one of the only single girl interns in your class sorta sucks.  I'm trying to get that out of my system.  It usually helps if I am busier, so...need to get busy here.  Doin stuff.  Don't know what stuff.  Oh right, studying.

[Kishi]

4 hours ago, Treva said:

I'm still doing 20lb TGUs and 25lb one arm swings.  I've gently started to escalate  and added in one or two 25lb TGUs with a few 30 lb two arm and one arm sets of swings.  I'll be brutally honest, I'm afraid of bulking out, which is why I haven't escalated.  I'm trying to get my body fat percentage down before I escalate weights on anything below my back/shoulders.  I'm already staring at the mirror and screaming "bubble butt" at myself.  I will be biting the bullet at some point this weekend and seeing if I can get fat calipers from the local GNC.

 

Gotcha. The reason I'm asking is that Pavel came out with a new GPP program that tries to tackle endurance and health from the perspective of doing power work. He says that those people which got the most out of the program as it was being developed were people who'd built a certain amount of strength with the bell - specifically, having achieved the "Simple" standard in S&S.

 

It's not that you couldn't jump into the new program, it's just that it relies on a certain sensitivity to the body under load, and it could be that you've developed that sensitivity. You know better than me. The reason I wanted to bring it to your attention is that it's supposedly a way to get good all around benefits with even less strain and less time, and I figured with everything you're doing you could stand a bit of less being more. I'll link it here in case it's something you want to look at.

 

4 hours ago, Treva said:

Happy body:  So this one was hard the last month.  I ended up reverting to "little-some" time on diet, meaning I would pack salads as often as I could, and then do the local subway or salads when I was stuck overnight.  the last few nights I ended up needing mountain dew to get me through, so in the future Ill just get the diet and do a hard heckin cardio the next day.  Ultimately, this girl has to be awake overnight for crashing patients, and mountain dew and espresso are the things to get your through from hours 16-28.

 

Gonna push back on this a little bit. This sounds a bit like you're building toward the mindset that you have to punish yourself for certain foods and certain choices. This is not productive. You're already working super hard and doing all kinds of stuff, and the fact is life isn't perfect. You're not always going to make perfect choices, and pushing yourself hard in punishment is the start of a vicious cycle where you wind up tired, go to work tired, have an easier time making worse decisions, and decide to punish yourself again.

 

You don't owe yourself that. I would encourage you to look into Jordan Syatt; in particular, his insight that one is only ever one bite away from being back on track. What this might look like for you could be, "Welp. I'm on hour 27 of a 36 hour shift and I needed to Do the Dew to make it through. That put me off track. But I know what being on track is for me, and as soon as I take a bite of (insert optimal choice food here), I'm right back where I need to be."

 

5 hours ago, Treva said:

I can get through S&S and my strength training in 45min-60 min, which is pretty good.  Some days only 30 minutes, which has been great.  I am thinking to add more reps, now that I've become more efficient at things.  As I've mentioned before, I'm trying not to bulk out, just get stronger.  Angry body image obsessed Treva is screaming "bubble butt/jelly belly" at me in the mirror recently, and she needs to shut up, but sometimes she had valid points.  Based on the article I went back and reread, I need to be doing 6-12+ reps of lighter stuff, rather than bigger and heavier?

 

Depends on your goals. The article says that 6-12 reps is going to build strength, power, and size. This isn't necessarily a bad thing - bigger muscles can and do translate to a smaller appearance, but if that extra size is a concern, then you'd want to stick to a 1-5 rep range. I'd probably go a bit narrower and say 3-5 because lifting the 1-rep max is notorious for stress on the system, and may be not ideal considering the workload you're under right now.

 

So, like, looking at your arm days for instance, 3 sets of 10 push ups might be dropped back to 3 sets of 5 of something heavier, and then focusing on doing 3-5 sets of 3-5 reps before aiming at something harder.

 

Or alternately, don't! Do lighter loads with more reps and see what happens! This is your show, woman, you do what you want.

 

6 hours ago, Treva said:

One issue I'm running into is it's hard to get to a grocery store/on a budget, so I'm often left depending on carbs for my meals instead of protein and veggies.  I need to rethink my strategies a little bit.  I'm wondering if there are good frozen veggie options I can use at lunch time, instead of depending on salads.  I.e, make some kind of veggie mess for lunch from frozen or canned produce, rather than salads.  Less fresh produce=fewer grocery runs per month/things going bad in my fridge less often.

 

Frozen is awesome and you should totally do it. It's generally fresher, cheaper, keeps longer, and only requires a little bit of work to prep for things. Good for smoothies and things like that.

 

6 hours ago, Treva said:

Other things I have been doing is watching an unholy amount of bad cop-romance TV shows and trying to make myself sick of relationships, because let's be honest being one of the only single girl interns in your class sorta sucks.  I'm trying to get that out of my system.  It usually helps if I am busier, so...need to get busy here.  Doin stuff.  Don't know what stuff.  Oh right, studying.

 

Yeah. I know what that's like. On the one hand, you're lonely, but finding someone to be with takes time, and how are you supposed to make time when you're on call and doing All The Things?

 

I dunno what solving that looks like. I've managed to go on a date with a girl in the past week (with another on Saturday!) but beyond having stumbled my way into getting set up for it, I can't really say I know how it happened. It's just become something I'm willing to make time for, and I happen to be in a position where I can make that time. Eventually, I suspect you will be in a position to make that time for yourself; wisdom, then, will be knowing when that is, and that's a question that only you can know the answer to.

 

But hey! In the meantime, we are your friends, and we're here to hear you. It's gonna be okay. Promise.

[Mistr]

On 8/22/2019 at 9:11 AM, Treva said:

oh man, it's been a minute, hasn't it.  Long month on my last service.  But it was good, I learned plenty.  Things are calmer for the next few weeks, so I'm hoping to catch up with all of you and with my family.

 

Yay for learning plenty! I'm glad you have a few weeks of relative calm to catch up on sleep and life.

 

Quote

I'll be brutally honest, I'm afraid of bulking out, which is why I haven't escalated.  I'm trying to get my body fat percentage down before I escalate weights on anything below my back/shoulders.  I'm already staring at the mirror and screaming "bubble butt" at myself.  I will be biting the bullet at some point this weekend and seeing if I can get fat calipers from the local GNC.

 

There are several things here that give me pause. Let's start with the hard one - what are you scared will happen if you bulk out? Are you afraid your clothes won't fit? Do you think you won't be physically attractive to potential romantic partners? Do you think the mean kids from junior high will show up at the clinic and call you names?

 

The next part is why you are screaming at yourself. I hope no one else is screaming at you. Or making any remarks about your body. That would be completely unprofessional in a work setting and a dick move in a social setting. Take a step back and look at your physical appearance goals. Maybe even write them down on a piece of scratch paper. Then look at yourself in the mirror after you step out of the shower. How far apart is your current reality from your goals? Are your goals even realistic? Women are fed huge amounts of propaganda about how they should look. Some things are set by genetics and there is only so much you can do. Someone with a curvy figure will always have hips, no matter how much she weighs. Likewise, someone with a classic runner's build is only going to be able to get a little more size in the chest, no matter how much upper body work she does.

 

Is your problem with how you look naked or how you look in clothes? The first is a matter of self-acceptance, eating well and exercise. The second is a matter of shopping. All styles have some body types they flatter and other body types that they don't. You have some time to consider this because you are spending most of your time in scrubs and a lab coat (I assume). Not only does no one look good in clinical clothes, no one cares. People want their doctor to look competent, not sexy. So you can just wear clothes that look good on you in your copious social time. Try on a bunch of things and figure out what you like. You are an independent adult and can wear whatever you want.

 

Lastly, you will only get bulky if you take testosterone or get your body fat below 10%. Women who are scary strong still don't look bulky. Especially in street clothes. Take a look at all the athletic women in your neighborhood. Take a look at the women in the locker room at your gym. In my experience, most women have some sort of figure "issue" naked, but it doesn't show when they are dressed. The fear of getting bulky is a scare tactic - not a real thing.

 

You have reasons for feeling the way you do. I'm not judging the reasons, just saying that you might benefit from looking at them in strong daylight.

 

Quote

One issue I'm running into is it's hard to get to a grocery store/on a budget, so I'm often left depending on carbs for my meals instead of protein and veggies.  I need to rethink my strategies a little bit.  I'm wondering if there are good frozen veggie options I can use at lunch time, instead of depending on salads.  I.e, make some kind of veggie mess for lunch from frozen or canned produce, rather than salads.  Less fresh produce=fewer grocery runs per month/things going bad in my fridge less often. 

 

Absolutely, you can put a bunch of frozen veggies in a microwave container and cook it at lunch. It can keep the rest of your food cold in your lunch bag and will gradually thaw. You can bulk cook and chop chicken breast or sausage and throw it in with frozen veggies and some spices. To make it even easier, buy frozen meatballs and throw them in with the frozen veggies. Buy a bunch of lunch-sized freezer containers and set them up ahead of time so you can just grab a couple and go.

 

Quote

Happy Brain:

So I have been pretty good about this, actually.  I got myself a question bank so I can keep doing questions every day to keep up my knowledge base, and I've been working through some of the old editions of the medicine board review books most people use.  It was a slow start, but it's happening.  Since I only need a new one every 2-4 weeks, and they're about 10 bucks used on amazon, it's a good investment

For taking care of myself, I have started doing Aggressive Napping, which is a wonderful beautiful thing that I adore.  I've got lots of good quick fix strategies which are helpful, but overall the best strategy for taking care of myself this past month has been sleeping whenever, whereever possible.  I've slept on every flat surface in my apartment. 

Another thing that has been great is making sure I use the dishwasher and my roomba regularly.  I've reorganized my room, bathroom, living room, and kitchen flows to make for easy cleaning and maintenance, and so far so good.  I'm not as uptight about everything being immaculate, but I've optimized the storage situation so we have room for everything now, and we now have designated spaces where messes are allowed to be (and where they are certainly NOT supposed to be).  

 

Happy heart

have not been meditating every day.  Nope.  Not even close.  Just haven't been setting aside the time.  Apparently if I'm going to sit  down and be quiet, I'm going to fall asleep for five minutes instead of meditate.  

Relationship health: I am better at sticking up for myself, even if its, "hey this conversation makes me uncomfortable.  I'm going to work somewhere else right now."  It's not aggressive or invasive, and it means I can keep my temper and emotions under wraps.  I am also better at feeling like I am allowed to take up space.  I read a few good articles about how to deal with bullies and people being aggressive/trying to take the more dominant position in a situation, and how to diffuse someone exerting power or control over your actions.  Mostly, if they demand you do something, ask them why and turn their demands around.

Other things I have been doing is watching an unholy amount of bad cop-romance TV shows and trying to make myself sick of relationships, because let's be honest being one of the only single girl interns in your class sorta sucks.  I'm trying to get that out of my system.  It usually helps if I am busier, so...need to get busy here.  Doin stuff.  Don't know what stuff.  Oh right, studying.

 

Good stuff on Happy Brain and Happy Heart. I love the Aggressive Napping. Your new place sounds like a big improvement.

 

Give yourself some slack on doing All The Things. Your time is much more taken up by work. You are doing great.

[sarakingdom]

2 hours ago, Kishi said:

Frozen is awesome and you should totally do it. It's generally fresher, cheaper, keeps longer, and only requires a little bit of work to prep for things. Good for smoothies and things like that.

 

Basically this. We have this "oh, fresh produce!" meme going on in our culture right now, and yes, fresh produce is great. Especially compared to canned, which was the dominant food preservation and shipment strategy until very, very recently, and probably where that meme started. Supermarket produce is... not all that fresh, though, compared to your garden or whatever. It's, what, generally several days to a week old by the time you buy it. It loses vitamins all that time. It's fresh. It's good for you. It comes in much greater variety than any other type of produce, which is something, in terms of nutrition. But it's not the unchallenged king of being good for you.

 

Frozen seems not to have that nutrient loss, because it's processed close to the site of harvest and then frozen. It's precut, which can be a significant time savings. No spoilage issue. You're paying less for those advantages. And it cooks up as well as fresh if you realize it's already partly cooked and needs a light hand. IMO, frozen falls under "good use of modern technology to make a busy person's life easier".

 

It works pretty well with a quick steam just to heat it, a stirfry just to heat it, or toss it in oil and roast it like fresh veg (actually not a big problem to treat it basically exactly like fresh here), and it's pretty hard to distinguish the way it behaves. "A quick steam" includes packing a fast microwave lunch of leftover meat and vegetables. They can go in right out of the bag. Sure, you can do a little better with more careful prep, but there's nothing wrong with a pile of steamed broccoli, and it's hard to beat the lunch-packing speed. (I don't remember how it works in the streaming basket of a rice cooker, but I think it's okay if you pick harder veggies, because I definitely used to throw rice in the bottom and chicken and veggies on top, and it can't always have been fresh.) Roasted broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, and squash from frozen are barely distinguishable from fresh, mostly only in that there's no such thing as misjudging how crunchy or cooked they are. If I want to hide that I used frozen for some reason, I roast first. Frozen stirfry mixes? Super great for fast meals, and some great variety. Frozen fruit is really good. It tastes as good or better than fresh, and is tons cheaper, especially for berries. They also make a lot of premixed smoothie blends these days. I have a bag of it in the freezer at work; not for smoothies, but just eating in bowls as an emergency "I didn't bring anything" food source.

 

The only thing I don't personally like frozen and then cooked is peppers. They get too soft. They're already about as soft as I'm willing to make a pepper. But they're fine defrosted and marinated and used in salads. Trader Joe's is an exception, they cut theirs bigger or something, and they work fine in pasta sauces and stews, too.

[sarakingdom]

Also, Mistr and Kishi are pushing back on some really good body image and orthorexic eating points. There are warning flags in the stuff they're pulling out for comment - a lot of them hint that your eating and exercise choices are more about feeling in control than about nutrition, especially combined with the highly negative and overly critical body image self-talk. (They were right to pull out that Mountain Dew comment - if you drink diet, what exactly are you working off with ultra hard cardio the next day? Not the calories or the insulin effects. Just the guilt. It's self-punishment for drinking soda, not a nutrition-based choice. It's not a great road to go down.)

 

Please be really, really careful with this stuff, and recognize that your mind is not always a reliable voice, especially when it comes to food and body image. It's going to lie to you about what you look like, which you are noticing. It's going to lie to you about what you should be eating and how you should be exercising. It's going to lie to you about what you should do if you fall short or compromise. Question it whenever it weighs in.

[Treva]

On 8/22/2019 at 4:51 PM, Kishi said:

 

Gotcha. The reason I'm asking is that Pavel came out with a new GPP program that tries to tackle endurance and health from the perspective of doing power work. He says that those people which got the most out of the program as it was being developed were people who'd built a certain amount of strength with the bell - specifically, having achieved the "Simple" standard in S&S.

Thanks for linking it to me, I took a look and from the outside it looks like something I could definitely use for an add on to my current workout to get some diversity.  What did you mean by sensitivity to the body under load?  I'm not nearly close enough to the simple goals to start (a 50 lb kb swing seems like bonkers madness to me still), but it sounds interesting and like something to work towards

 

On 8/22/2019 at 4:51 PM, Kishi said:

You don't owe yourself that. I would encourage you to look into Jordan Syatt; in particular, his insight that one is only ever one bite away from being back on track. What this might look like for you could be, "Welp. I'm on hour 27 of a 36 hour shift and I needed to Do the Dew to make it through. That put me off track. But I know what being on track is for me, and as soon as I take a bite of (insert optimal choice food here), I'm right back where I need to be."

I took a look at his site, and while some of it seems like flashy advertising, I found the story about being one bite away etc.  I think the problem with nights is that in order to keep going, you physically have to eat more food, and you have to do that every x number of days.  It's not a problem I'm going to have super long term--as fellows and attendings, if you're on for anything longer than 24 hours you definitely get to sleep in the call room--but it's a frustrating problem to have for the months that I am on that schedule.  In retrospect, better meal planning and a larger lunchbox can get around the issue, but that takes time and energy, all of which get to be in short supply on those months.

 

On 8/22/2019 at 4:51 PM, Kishi said:

 

Gonna push back on this a little bit. This sounds a bit like you're building toward the mindset that you have to punish yourself for certain foods and certain choices. This is not productive. You're already working super hard and doing all kinds of stuff, and the fact is life isn't perfect. You're not always going to make perfect choices, and pushing yourself hard in punishment is the start of a vicious cycle where you wind up tired, go to work tired, have an easier time making worse decisions, and decide to punish yourself again.

 

On 8/22/2019 at 6:56 PM, Mistr said:

 

There are several things here that give me pause. Let's start with the hard one - what are you scared will happen if you bulk out? Are you afraid your clothes won't fit? Do you think you won't be physically attractive to potential romantic partners? Do you think the mean kids from junior high will show up at the clinic and call you names?

 

The next part is why you are screaming at yourself. I hope no one else is screaming at you. Or making any remarks about your body. That would be completely unprofessional in a work setting and a dick move in a social setting. Take a step back and look at your physical appearance goals. Maybe even write them down on a piece of scratch paper. Then look at yourself in the mirror after you step out of the shower. How far apart is your current reality from your goals? Are your goals even realistic? Women are fed huge amounts of propaganda about how they should look. Some things are set by genetics and there is only so much you can do. Someone with a curvy figure will always have hips, no matter how much she weighs. Likewise, someone with a classic runner's build is only going to be able to get a little more size in the chest, no matter how much upper body work she does.

 

Is your problem with how you look naked or how you look in clothes? The first is a matter of self-acceptance, eating well and exercise. The second is a matter of shopping. All styles have some body types they flatter and other body types that they don't. You have some time to consider this because you are spending most of your time in scrubs and a lab coat (I assume). Not only does no one look good in clinical clothes, no one cares. People want their doctor to look competent, not sexy. So you can just wear clothes that look good on you in your copious social time. Try on a bunch of things and figure out what you like. You are an independent adult and can wear whatever you want.

 

Lastly, you will only get bulky if you take testosterone or get your body fat below 10%. Women who are scary strong still don't look bulky. Especially in street clothes. Take a look at all the athletic women in your neighborhood. Take a look at the women in the locker room at your gym. In my experience, most women have some sort of figure "issue" naked, but it doesn't show when they are dressed. The fear of getting bulky is a scare tactic - not a real thing.

 

You have reasons for feeling the way you do. I'm not judging the reasons, just saying that you might benefit from looking at them in strong daylight.

 

On 8/22/2019 at 8:03 PM, sarakingdom said:

Also, Mistr and Kishi are pushing back on some really good body image and orthorexic eating points. There are warning flags in the stuff they're pulling out for comment - a lot of them hint that your eating and exercise choices are more about feeling in control than about nutrition, especially combined with the highly negative and overly critical body image self-talk. (They were right to pull out that Mountain Dew comment - if you drink diet, what exactly are you working off with ultra hard cardio the next day? Not the calories or the insulin effects. Just the guilt. It's self-punishment for drinking soda, not a nutrition-based choice. It's not a great road to go down.)

 

Please be really, really careful with this stuff, and recognize that your mind is not always a reliable voice, especially when it comes to food and body image. It's going to lie to you about what you look like, which you are noticing. It's going to lie to you about what you should be eating and how you should be exercising. It's going to lie to you about what you should do if you fall short or compromise. Question it whenever it weighs in.

well, I tried to get calipers from the GNC, because I specifically told the dude who had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained I'm looking to lower body fat percentage and this is a tool you track it with what do you mean you don't have it, and then the guy at the counter ended up asking me out/for my phone number.  Heckin backfire. 

 

 

Ach, this post took forever to write.  Sorry about that.  

I have sort of always had body image issues, as ya'll are well aware.  Clearly they're still around, and this was a good chance to see where progress needs to be made.  I've never considered them serious, because I've never had eating habits that have interfered with my work (if they interfere with how I function, then people know I have them, and that is not Acceptable).  I take the waves as they come.  It is hard to have a good way of knowing what to ignore, since this is my strongest body to date, and I don't know how much muscle is factoring into weight and body image.  Right now, though, I gave up and ate because I was hungry (this is why I suck at dieting).  

 

Re: not punishing myself for food choices.  I had the opportunity to talk to a higher up about weight during intern year,  and we discussed patterns of behavior that lead to intern-year weight gain.  It sounds like I identified poor habits early on (coming home and eating cruddy food before passing out after 28 hour calls), and mitigated them (small healthy snack, then sleep before having a real meal).   In line with all yall's above, it sounds like identifying longer term patterns and heading them off is more important than worrying about NEEDING THE DEW ERMERGERD.

 

I'm not through this bout of it yet.  I'm still eating, I'm still going to the gym (Less than 2 hours a day), and I'm not engaging in anything dangerous.  Right now I guess that's just where we are.  It's not fun, I don't like being here, and getting out will take a little time.  there are a few other things wrapped up in this too, and I'm pulling apart the threads.  It's a lame answer to all of you, mostly because I'm not sure I want to post the details of my brain on the interwebs.  At least now I have had the sleep and clarity to see the work that has to happen.

 

I hope bulky is just a scare tactic.  I still haven't figure out what looks good on me.  @Mistr is right though.  Doctor scrubs don't look flattering on anyone.  I have enough clothes that fit, nothing that doesn't fit right now.  Having clothes that look good on me are mostly my gym clothes, so I suppose I could splurge and buy a new shirt or leggings that I like.  

 

Ugh.  Catching the heckin up.

 

Happy Body:

Diet: As above.  I'm getting back on track with AM smoothies, homemade trailmix and protein bites, baked chicken+salad, jerky for snacks, and some veggies and protein for dinner.  I need to deal with still being hungry all the time

Exercise: So I'm thinking of adding a progression to get me to planche pushups to arm day, adding some resistance band work to core day.  Nothing new for leg day that I can think of.  

 

Happy Brain:

Study Daily: I have been working on some research projects, and have the traditionally used MKSAP books for studying (along with a qbank). Just have to use them.  Usually I'm finishing up paperwork for patients instead. 

Mental Health: I've been growing a little in confidence the longer I do this doctor thing.  I'm still practicing as much as I can (never enough, but there we are).

 

Happy Heart

Meditate daily: I've been doing some form of daily prayer.  It's been working.  Ish.  I'd rather be more structured about it.

Relationship Health: one of the interesting things that has come up socially is having a new perspective on Married or Unavailable Dudes wanting to Keep Doing Things with Me.  A lot of them keep suggesting I go to therapy (honestly I think I'm fine).  I'm realizing this may speak more to their difficulties dealing with their own emotions being projected onto me, rather than me having a problem.  I have also been better about expressing my needs in nonjudgemental ways, and definitely sticking up to the important people in my life--even my family.

 

When I feel a little better, I may be able to write more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mistr]

3 hours ago, Treva said:

well, I tried to get calipers from the GNC, because I specifically told the dude who had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained I'm looking to lower body fat percentage and this is a tool you track it with what do you mean you don't have it, and then the guy at the counter ended up asking me out/for my phone number.  Heckin backfire. 

 

Frustrating, but it does show that random humans think you are attractive. I hope he was polite about you saying "no".

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

I have sort of always had body image issues, as ya'll are well aware.  Clearly they're still around, and this was a good chance to see where progress needs to be made.  I've never considered them serious, because I've never had eating habits that have interfered with my work (if they interfere with how I function, then people know I have them, and that is not Acceptable).  I take the waves as they come.  It is hard to have a good way of knowing what to ignore, since this is my strongest body to date, and I don't know how much muscle is factoring into weight and body image.  Right now, though, I gave up and ate because I was hungry (this is why I suck at dieting).  

 

Practically every woman I've ever talked to has body image issues. It takes a lot of time and personal development to get past them. I hope you come to good terms with your body over the next few years. I'm facing aging, which adds a whole new set of image issues.

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

Re: not punishing myself for food choices.  I had the opportunity to talk to a higher up about weight during intern year,  and we discussed patterns of behavior that lead to intern-year weight gain.  It sounds like I identified poor habits early on (coming home and eating cruddy food before passing out after 28 hour calls), and mitigated them (small healthy snack, then sleep before having a real meal).   In line with all yall's above, it sounds like identifying longer term patterns and heading them off is more important than worrying about NEEDING THE DEW ERMERGERD.

 

Good. All positive steps. You have an insane schedule right now. Sometimes you are going to have to fall back on trail mix and protein bars to fuel your body. You have to substitute food for sleep some of the time, and that is a completely reasonable thing to do.

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

 

I'm not through this bout of it yet.  I'm still eating, I'm still going to the gym (Less than 2 hours a day), and I'm not engaging in anything dangerous.

 

Less than 2 hours a day?!?!?!?

 

I think you are doing great to be getting a total of 2 hours a week. Really, 20 minutes a day on your schedule is terrific.

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

I hope bulky is just a scare tactic.  I still haven't figure out what looks good on me.  @Mistr is right though.  Doctor scrubs don't look flattering on anyone.  I have enough clothes that fit, nothing that doesn't fit right now.  Having clothes that look good on me are mostly my gym clothes, so I suppose I could splurge and buy a new shirt or leggings that I like.  

 

My sympathy on figuring out clothes. I know what I like and what I find comfortable. What looks flattering is another question. Luckily both Elf and Dumbledore have good taste and can help me.

 

If you want reassurance, just google pictures of female athletes. Look at famous women in their workout clothes and in street clothes. Especially women who do gymnastics and circus. Remember that body builders have to do special training that no one else does to look like they do.

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

Mental Health: I've been growing a little in confidence the longer I do this doctor thing.  I'm still practicing as much as I can (never enough, but there we are).

 

Yay!  More practice in your profession is always going to be like that.

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

Happy Heart

Meditate daily: I've been doing some form of daily prayer.  It's been working.  Ish.  I'd rather be more structured about it.

Relationship Health: one of the interesting things that has come up socially is having a new perspective on Married or Unavailable Dudes wanting to Keep Doing Things with Me.  A lot of them keep suggesting I go to therapy (honestly I think I'm fine).  I'm realizing this may speak more to their difficulties dealing with their own emotions being projected onto me, rather than me having a problem.  I have also been better about expressing my needs in nonjudgemental ways, and definitely sticking up to the important people in my life--even my family.

 

WTF?  Who are these creeps who feel qualified to give you advice? "You don't want to go out with me so you need therapy" is a slimy manipulative thing to say.

 

[Treva]

2 hours ago, Mistr said:

Frustrating, but it does show that random humans think you are attractive. I hope he was polite about you saying "no".

He was!  thankfully.  I thanked him for being kind about it.

 

2 hours ago, Mistr said:

 

Practically every woman I've ever talked to has body image issues. It takes a lot of time and personal development to get past them. I hope you come to good terms with your body over the next few years. I'm facing aging, which adds a whole new set of image issues.

Hearing this makes me feel better.  It's nice to know that I'm not alone, and that other people work to conquer it (instead of being a dysfunctional human).  I am going to work on it, daily.  And it helps to know that it takes time.

I will be looking forward to catching up on your posts for that reason.  Those are other issues that society does not deal with well at all.

 

2 hours ago, Mistr said:

 

Good. All positive steps. You have an insane schedule right now. Sometimes you are going to have to fall back on trail mix and protein bars to fuel your body. You have to substitute food for sleep some of the time, and that is a completely reasonable thing to do.

food instead of sleep upsets me sometimes   but it is really necessary.  I might try IF the next day?  Or I do it accidentally (sleep too long and that's the end of it).

 

2 hours ago, Mistr said:

Less than 2 hours a day?!?!?!?

 

I think you are doing great to be getting a total of 2 hours a week. Really, 20 minutes a day on your schedule is terrific.

It REALLY varies.  Sometimes I don't go at all, recently I'm on a light outpatient type elective, so I can go for an hour to an hour and a half.  Sometimes to the full 2 if I push myself or go slower than usual.  but Thanks!!! I have been feeling good about myself in that I get to the gym at all.

 

3 hours ago, Mistr said:

My sympathy on figuring out clothes. I know what I like and what I find comfortable. What looks flattering is another question. Luckily both Elf and Dumbledore have good taste and can help me.

 

If you want reassurance, just google pictures of female athletes. Look at famous women in their workout clothes and in street clothes. Especially women who do gymnastics and circus. Remember that body builders have to do special training that no one else does to look like they do.

This is helpful.  I need to bring a friend shopping with me, or do a little supplementary shopping.  I guess functional training won't get me a model body, but at least it will be useful!

 

3 hours ago, Mistr said:

 

WTF?  Who are these creeps who feel qualified to give you advice? "You don't want to go out with me so you need therapy" is a slimy manipulative thing to say.

I mean, it wasn't quite that, but sort of "you seem really closed off, maybe therapy would help" kind of way.  That said, it's not suuuper delightful to be told that I seem unstable and not healthy!  I know therapy is great for some people, but I know my issues are situational, I know to work on them, and I also know they pass in time.  

But also, "your walls are up and that means you need therapy" is not necessarily true.  Sometimes my walls are up because people don't seem trustworthy!

Okay, so I guess that was a liiiiittle unintentionally slimy (and very telling).  Good thing I have the classic defense of "I'm an intern and I am too busy (for unhealthy relationships)".