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Treva

Treva Fights for Herself

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On 9/1/2019 at 2:51 PM, Treva said:

Thanks for linking it to me, I took a look and from the outside it looks like something I could definitely use for an add on to my current workout to get some diversity.  What did you mean by sensitivity to the body under load?  I'm not nearly close enough to the simple goals to start (a 50 lb kb swing seems like bonkers madness to me still), but it sounds interesting and like something to work towards

 

Well, by 'sensitivity' I'm specifically referring to one's ability to feel tension in the body. A lot of the work that Pavel talks about in Q&D relates to closing weak points in the kinetic chain - nothing loose, everything tight and focused - and expressing the movements powerfully. He also gets into a lot of what might be called "shadow" work. This is the stuff he talks about in S&S where you overswing the bell on a swing - not just popping it up, but then forcefully pulling it back down - and it's very touchy-feely subjective type stuff that involves a lot of practice and reps to get a sense for. Which you might have. You don't necessarily have to have the Simple goals down before switching - I actually lost mine while letting my elbow heal - but it sure does help. He says in the book that when he was developing the protocol for Q&D, everyone benefited, but the ones who benefited the most were people who had that kind of experience. And he didn't just cite S&S veterans either; he talked about powerlifters and acrobats and martial artists too.

 

So, maybe you're there already and maybe you aren't? I don't know and I don't mean to tell you since you know better than me. I just mean to offer another possible road of progress, and one that might actually suit you better given how much stress you're dealing with.

 

On 9/1/2019 at 2:51 PM, Treva said:

I took a look at his site, and while some of it seems like flashy advertising, I found the story about being one bite away etc.  I think the problem with nights is that in order to keep going, you physically have to eat more food, and you have to do that every x number of days.  It's not a problem I'm going to have super long term--as fellows and attendings, if you're on for anything longer than 24 hours you definitely get to sleep in the call room--but it's a frustrating problem to have for the months that I am on that schedule.  In retrospect, better meal planning and a larger lunchbox can get around the issue, but that takes time and energy, all of which get to be in short supply on those months.

 

 

Yeah, he's kind of guilty of that whole thing. -_-;; I'd recommend subscribing to his youtube channel more than anything as he seems to do a lot more substantive work there than he does on his site. He's also chock full of Harry Potter references, and that makes me happy. :D

 

Anyway, yeah, that's not an element I'd considered. Hmm. I wonder if there's any way you could simply batch cook your way around this? Like, if you have a crock pot or something you could easily make like a stew or a chili or something, and then portion it out. Admittedly, that kind of solution tends to bug me because I'm obsessive about macros, but like you say, you're trying to survive, and extra energy coming from high quality food sources really isn't the worst thing in the world.

 

Of course, if you don't have access to a crock pot, you're kind of hosed for those options, but it's just an idea. Maybe something to think about if you haven't already.

 

On 9/1/2019 at 2:51 PM, Treva said:

well, I tried to get calipers from the GNC, because I specifically told the dude who had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained I'm looking to lower body fat percentage and this is a tool you track it with what do you mean you don't have it, and then the guy at the counter ended up asking me out/for my phone number.  Heckin backfire. 

 

LOL. Wow, totally not the sale you were looking for. (although, to be clear, I can understand how that would be frustrating, and I am sorry you had to put up with that).

 

On 9/1/2019 at 2:51 PM, Treva said:

I have sort of always had body image issues, as ya'll are well aware.  Clearly they're still around, and this was a good chance to see where progress needs to be made.  I've never considered them serious, because I've never had eating habits that have interfered with my work (if they interfere with how I function, then people know I have them, and that is not Acceptable).  I take the waves as they come.  It is hard to have a good way of knowing what to ignore, since this is my strongest body to date, and I don't know how much muscle is factoring into weight and body image.  Right now, though, I gave up and ate because I was hungry (this is why I suck at dieting).  

 

Re: not punishing myself for food choices.  I had the opportunity to talk to a higher up about weight during intern year,  and we discussed patterns of behavior that lead to intern-year weight gain.  It sounds like I identified poor habits early on (coming home and eating cruddy food before passing out after 28 hour calls), and mitigated them (small healthy snack, then sleep before having a real meal).   In line with all yall's above, it sounds like identifying longer term patterns and heading them off is more important than worrying about NEEDING THE DEW ERMERGERD.

 

Right. No one meal makes or breaks your body composition, just like no one training session makes or breaks you as a fighter (barring injuries of course). The body is an emergent response to various stimuli repeated consistently over a longer period of time than we're willing to accept. Identifying those trends is really freaking important, but this too can take longer than one wants to admit. Take your time and be easy on yourself as you go. Life is hard enough as it is.

 

On 9/1/2019 at 2:51 PM, Treva said:

I'm not through this bout of it yet.  I'm still eating, I'm still going to the gym (Less than 2 hours a day), and I'm not engaging in anything dangerous.

 

20 hours ago, Mistr said:

Less than 2 hours a day?!?!?!?

 

I think you are doing great to be getting a total of 2 hours a week. Really, 20 minutes a day on your schedule is terrific.

 

16 hours ago, Treva said:

It REALLY varies.  Sometimes I don't go at all, recently I'm on a light outpatient type elective, so I can go for an hour to an hour and a half.  Sometimes to the full 2 if I push myself or go slower than usual.  but Thanks!!! I have been feeling good about myself in that I get to the gym at all.

 

Yeah, gonna echo @Mistr and be like LOLWAT. Girl. That's... phew. That's a lot of time on your schedule.

 

Lemme tell you something. It is totally possible to recompose your body and get adaptations on 20-30 minutes of training once every few days or so. I know this because I've done it. Years ago, I got into a sprinting-based fitness program, and I was able to reduce my body fat and improve anaerobic conditioning on maybe 2 hours of dedicated work per week rather than per day.

 

Now, I didn't stick with it, mostly because I wound up needing different adaptations than the ones I got. But the fact remains. Adaptation is totally possible on a way lower time commitment than what you're asking of yourself. To be clear, if you like spending that much time, then power to you! That's awesome, and I wish you well. But if you don't want that, you don't necessarily need it.

 

On 9/1/2019 at 2:51 PM, Treva said:

Right now I guess that's just where we are.  It's not fun, I don't like being here, and getting out will take a little time.  there are a few other things wrapped up in this too, and I'm pulling apart the threads.  It's a lame answer to all of you, mostly because I'm not sure I want to post the details of my brain on the interwebs.  At least now I have had the sleep and clarity to see the work that has to happen.

 

Nah, it's all good. We're here to help as much as you want us to, and certainly only to the extent that you're comfy with it. :)

 

On 9/1/2019 at 2:51 PM, Treva said:

Happy Heart

Meditate daily: I've been doing some form of daily prayer.  It's been working.  Ish.  I'd rather be more structured about it.

Relationship Health: one of the interesting things that has come up socially is having a new perspective on Married or Unavailable Dudes wanting to Keep Doing Things with Me.  A lot of them keep suggesting I go to therapy (honestly I think I'm fine).  I'm realizing this may speak more to their difficulties dealing with their own emotions being projected onto me, rather than me having a problem.  I have also been better about expressing my needs in nonjudgemental ways, and definitely sticking up to the important people in my life--even my family.

 

17 hours ago, Treva said:

I mean, it wasn't quite that, but sort of "you seem really closed off, maybe therapy would help" kind of way.  That said, it's not suuuper delightful to be told that I seem unstable and not healthy!  I know therapy is great for some people, but I know my issues are situational, I know to work on them, and I also know they pass in time.  

But also, "your walls are up and that means you need therapy" is not necessarily true.  Sometimes my walls are up because people don't seem trustworthy!

 

Yeah. As someone who leads a life with relatively few walls, I'm here to say, it's really not all it's cracked up to be. Very often, I've found that when people are looking for emotional availability, what they mean is, they're looking for someone to do some emotional labor for them, and it's very often a one-way street. You help them with their ish, but they won't help you when the time comes. It's not necessarily wrong to not trust people with that kind of situation.

 

FWIW, from out here, you don't sound to me like someone who needs professional help. You're in a high-stress situation with a lot going on and not a lot in terms of people who are willing to understand you and what you want. That's a hard freaking place to be, but I think you're bearing the weight as well as you could be expected to. You don't owe it to anyone to live up to their arbitrary standards of who you're supposed to be.

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On 9/1/2019 at 9:56 PM, Treva said:

food instead of sleep upsets me sometimes :(  but it is really necessary.  I might try IF the next day?  Or I do it accidentally (sleep too long and that's the end of it).

 

Considering your work, you might end up doing IF by accident. You also might need to eat when you have time instead of when you are hungry. That goes against all the advice to "listen to your body". However, it does use your higher faculties in knowing how your body responds to nutrition and stress. When you know you will be super busy for the next 6 hours, it makes sense to eat while you have a few minutes so that you don't hit a blood sugar low just when you need to deal with patients.  IMHO, getting through your internship as a sane functioning person is more important than getting skinnier right now. You will have a lot more flexibility to fine tune your eating and exercise next year. If you can just mostly eat real food, you will be doing better than 90% of the other young doctors.

 

On 9/1/2019 at 9:56 PM, Treva said:

This is helpful.  I need to bring a friend shopping with me, or do a little supplementary shopping.  I guess functional training won't get me a model body, but at least it will be useful!

 

:)  You are not living the life of a model, so chances are you won't look like one. Steve wrote about this several years ago. https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/how-to-look-like-famous-celebrity-in-big-action-movie/

 

On 9/1/2019 at 9:56 PM, Treva said:

I mean, it wasn't quite that, but sort of "you seem really closed off, maybe therapy would help" kind of way.  That said, it's not suuuper delightful to be told that I seem unstable and not healthy!  I know therapy is great for some people, but I know my issues are situational, I know to work on them, and I also know they pass in time.  

But also, "your walls are up and that means you need therapy" is not necessarily true.  Sometimes my walls are up because people don't seem trustworthy!

Okay, so I guess that was a liiiiittle unintentionally slimy (and very telling).  Good thing I have the classic defense of "I'm an intern and I am too busy (for unhealthy relationships)". 

 

Perfect response!

 

I am proud of you for standing your ground and maintaining your boundaries. If someone actually wants to be a friend, they will take time to get to know you rather than telling you how to run your life.

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On 9/2/2019 at 3:57 PM, Kishi said:

Well, by 'sensitivity' I'm specifically referring to one's ability to feel tension in the body. A lot of the work that Pavel talks about in Q&D relates to closing weak points in the kinetic chain - nothing loose, everything tight and focused - and expressing the movements powerfully. He also gets into a lot of what might be called "shadow" work.

Hmm.  I know I have good body awareness from other things that I do, but I don't want to escalate weights unsafely.  I also clearly need to reread s&s; I don't remember much about shadow work, but I was also focusing on other things.  

 

It is still probably a good road!  But I would like to do it when I feel my foundations have their holes filled in.

 

On 9/2/2019 at 3:57 PM, Kishi said:

 

Anyway, yeah, that's not an element I'd considered. Hmm. I wonder if there's any way you could simply batch cook your way around this? Like, if you have a crock pot or something you could easily make like a stew or a chili or something, and then portion it out. Admittedly, that kind of solution tends to bug me because I'm obsessive about macros, but like you say, you're trying to survive, and extra energy coming from high quality food sources really isn't the worst thing in the world.

I'm usually pretty big on batch cooking, mostly because when I freeze things, I force portion control onto myself.  Which is only a good thing.  And if I eat the same thing every day, that mostly fits the same macros, well.  It's good enough for survival.  

 

I will also check out his youtube channel.  Wasting time watching fitness videos is my new favorite way to melt my brain.  

 

On 9/2/2019 at 3:57 PM, Kishi said:

Yeah, gonna echo @Mistr and be like LOLWAT. Girl. That's... phew. That's a lot of time on your schedule.

 

Lemme tell you something. It is totally possible to recompose your body and get adaptations on 20-30 minutes of training once every few days or so. I know this because I've done it. Years ago, I got into a sprinting-based fitness program, and I was able to reduce my body fat and improve anaerobic conditioning on maybe 2 hours of dedicated work per week rather than per day.

 

Now, I didn't stick with it, mostly because I wound up needing different adaptations than the ones I got. But the fact remains. Adaptation is totally possible on a way lower time commitment than what you're asking of yourself. To be clear, if you like spending that much time, then power to you! That's awesome, and I wish you well. But if you don't want that, you don't necessarily need it.

Yeah, if I'm efficient and don't add extra reps I'm done in an hour.  If I add extra reps or fool around doing something other than my designated exercise of the day, we may hit 90 or upwards.  But that's right now, while I'm on outpatient/vacation electives.  I know I can do this now, but later is definitely not going to be an option.  

 

 

YOOOO that sounds like a GREAT plan.  I love spending that much time at the gym, because it's a nice quiet space sometimes where I get to get away and do things that make me happy and give me endorphins.  (bosu ball balancing!  Pull ups!  SO MANY PULL UPS!).  But if there's a way for me to lose 5 pounds without losing my current gains with less time at the gym (and maybe not feel like I'm starving all the time), I'd love that.  I would like better/cleaner push ups, pull ups, and one legged squats, but really do need to get some weight off before we get too far into the year.  

 

On 9/2/2019 at 3:57 PM, Kishi said:

 

Nah, it's all good. We're here to help as much as you want us to, and certainly only to the extent that you're comfy with it. :)

You and all the above have been great.  I just only want to say words when I know they will make sense >.<  Sometimes when I am Sad, I don't make sense.

 

On 9/2/2019 at 3:57 PM, Kishi said:

Yeah. As someone who leads a life with relatively few walls, I'm here to say, it's really not all it's cracked up to be. Very often, I've found that when people are looking for emotional availability, what they mean is, they're looking for someone to do some emotional labor for them, and it's very often a one-way street. You help them with their ish, but they won't help you when the time comes. It's not necessarily wrong to not trust people with that kind of situation.

 

FWIW, from out here, you don't sound to me like someone who needs professional help. You're in a high-stress situation with a lot going on and not a lot in terms of people who are willing to understand you and what you want. That's a hard freaking place to be, but I think you're bearing the weight as well as you could be expected to. You don't owe it to anyone to live up to their arbitrary standards of who you're supposed to be.

Dis is extremely helpful.  thank.  There is wisdom in your first paragraph; many people don't want to do the hard painful work of staring at themselves and dealing with their ish.  

Also that is something I needed to hear.  It is exactly that; those are my feelings precisely.  Thank you for the validation and the understanding of where I am sitting.  A lot of people see the stressful situation, and think I need to change.

Also preach, friend, those are good words and it helped me to hear them.

 

9 hours ago, Mistr said:

Considering your work, you might end up doing IF by accident. You also might need to eat when you have time instead of when you are hungry. That goes against all the advice to "listen to your body". However, it does use your higher faculties in knowing how your body responds to nutrition and stress. When you know you will be super busy for the next 6 hours, it makes sense to eat while you have a few minutes so that you don't hit a blood sugar low just when you need to deal with patients.  IMHO, getting through your internship as a sane functioning person is more important than getting skinnier right now. You will have a lot more flexibility to fine tune your eating and exercise next year. If you can just mostly eat real food, you will be doing better than 90% of the other young doctors.

This is very heckin good advice; my senior said something to this effect, but it really it home.  And also...you are super correct in getting through internship as a functional human is more important than being a skinny human.  I will use this to readjust my goals for my weight and my fitness.  there's no reason why I can't be fit, but I should adjust back from the goals I could have when I wasn't working this hard.

Also...you may have a very good point.  We are almost three months in and I am still bringing my lunch most days, it is still healthy, and I am still making it to the gym.  Given the number of people I have heard say "oh a day off?  I netflix the whoooollleee day", you are right.  I am not doing too badly right now.

You know a lot about young doctors; this is helpful as a young doctor who is like "wut am I doin"

 

9 hours ago, Mistr said:

:)  You are not living the life of a model, so chances are you won't look like one. Steve wrote about this several years ago. https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/how-to-look-like-famous-celebrity-in-big-action-movie/

did not know how badly I needed to read this.  Thank you :)  this was helpful in all of the ways I didn't know I needed something.  Clearly, I need to be reminded often that my expectations can be very unrealistic at times.  Thank you for sending it my way, you know the resources I need ^_^

 

9 hours ago, Mistr said:

 

Perfect response!

 

I am proud of you for standing your ground and maintaining your boundaries. If someone actually wants to be a friend, they will take time to get to know you rather than telling you how to run your life.

THAAAAAAAANK.  What a work in progress standing my ground has been, but I am so glad I was able to get there.  Still working on it (I still have many things to learn how to say no to) but at least I can stick up for my own sanity!  I'm crazy, but it's my crazy and I like it this way.  

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11 hours ago, Treva said:

You know a lot about young doctors; this is helpful as a young doctor who is like "wut am I doin"

 

Actually, I spent several years working with young veterinarians. Before that I worked in a medical school, but on the research side, not the clinical side.

 

11 hours ago, Treva said:

Still working on it (I still have many things to learn how to say no to) but at least I can stick up for my own sanity!  I'm crazy, but it's my crazy and I like it this way.  

^^^^^^^^^^^^^This

 

I LOVE this. :love_heart:

 

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On 9/4/2019 at 9:29 AM, Mistr said:

 

Actually, I spent several years working with young veterinarians.

this explains so much

 

On 9/4/2019 at 9:29 AM, Mistr said:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^This

 

I LOVE this. :love_heart:

:3 ^_^ well gollee gee thanks

 

 

I am doing much better today.  The brain angries have calmed down since last week.  I think the brain just needed some time with my family over the weekend.  And sleep.  LOTS of sleep.  I still need more sleep, I think I will do more naps and melatonin next week.

 

I have tried something new.  I am weighing myself every day to desensitize myself of my fear of the number and of weight gain, and my goal is to not weigh less than a certain number.  My mood has been better, and I have more confidence that I will be able to lose the weight and stay strong in the process.  It means I'm doing 90 minutes in the gym right now, but I know that is to get me back to a stable point for later.  I'm happy to get that momentum going now, so when I switch to a harder rotation in a little bit I can just keep going.  I'm comfortable with how I look right now.  It isn't perfect, but I am trying to focus more on managing my stress and sleep over micromanaging a diet that's already pretty healthy.

 

I have had more time in the mornings to do my hair and makeup, which also makes me feel better.  All of this has translated into me feeling more empowered to do the things that scare me, which has turned out well.  By sheer dumb luck, I happen to have a few days off that all coincide with fun things I want to do this fall (helping out at a sporting event, playing music at some public places).  I'm happy that I have been able to make time for extracurricular things that I will look forward to.  

 

Friend stuff: I spent some time over the summer making up with a few friends I had fallen out with, after one of them had gone behind my back with some unsavory behaviors.  I'm glad I was able to make up with them, but one of them has started making some demands on my time. I.e., I had to change plans because of a family member's schedule, and this was apparently a blow-up-able offense.   While I adore llamas from a flufftasmagorical standpoint, I do not need this particular drama llama.  I am comfortable letting those relationships sit on ice.  My mom is happy about it too, since they are people who don't have the same drive towards improving themselves or their communities that I do.  I am realizing that kind of drive is something I value in my friends, and I don't want to spend time with people who don't have that.  It feels like a waste.  

 

I am also more comfortable because I have been able to make friends at work.  They are new friendships, but I am finding it makes me happy that I have friends I see at the gym, and we can talk about our workouts, or medicine.  I am finding kindred spirits who also like to help people, and be busy, and do things that break boundaries.  It is nice.  I might even try a class, or find a session with a trainer who can tell me how to improve my form for pushups.

 

I wish I liked outpatient work better, because having normal work hours to look forward to in my future would be nice.  Oh well. 

 

So, tl;dr, waited out the brain angries so I'm in a better place, cooling off some relationships that I was able to mend because I actually don't need them/have outgrown them???   Currently I lack bad cultural influences so apparently ultimate beastmaster is joining forged in fire and Every Baking Competition Show that isn't Nailed It as TV I love?????

 

 

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I am glad you are feeling better. Sleep deprivation causes all sorts of problems. 

 

2 hours ago, Treva said:

I have had more time in the mornings to do my hair and makeup, which also makes me feel better.  All of this has translated into me feeling more empowered to do the things that scare me, which has turned out well.  By sheer dumb luck, I happen to have a few days off that all coincide with fun things I want to do this fall (helping out at a sporting event, playing music at some public places).  I'm happy that I have been able to make time for extracurricular things that I will look forward to.  

 

Figuring out what makes you feel empowered is good. Yay for getting to do fun things on your days off!

 

2 hours ago, Treva said:

 I am realizing that kind of drive is something I value in my friends, and I don't want to spend time with people who don't have that.  It feels like a waste.  

 

I am also more comfortable because I have been able to make friends at work.  They are new friendships, but I am finding it makes me happy that I have friends I see at the gym, and we can talk about our workouts, or medicine.  I am finding kindred spirits who also like to help people, and be busy, and do things that break boundaries.  It is nice.  I might even try a class, or find a session with a trainer who can tell me how to improve my form for pushups.

 

I'm glad you are meeting people who share your interests and values. I completely agree that spending time with people who are making bad or just different decisions about their lives will drag you down. Much better to be around people who inspire you to do cool things and applaud when you do.

 

2 hours ago, Treva said:

I wish I liked outpatient work better, because having normal work hours to look forward to in my future would be nice.  Oh well. 

 

You are going to be spending the majority of your waking hours at work. While it would be nice to have regular day hours, it is far more important that you do something you are passionate about. Hang in there and you will find the right place for you.

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On 9/6/2019 at 11:38 AM, Mistr said:

I'm glad you are meeting people who share your interests and values. I completely agree that spending time with people who are making bad or just different decisions about their lives will drag you down. Much better to be around people who inspire you to do cool things and applaud when you do.

It's been really awesome figuring out how many people in my program--not just in my year but in the years above me--have similar brainwaves to mine and are good people to talk to.  It's been really cool to be surrounded by other young doctors who are doing fulfilling things, whether it's new research or spending time with their families.  I am happy to find that I am more similar to my colleagues than I thought I would be.  

 

On 9/6/2019 at 11:38 AM, Mistr said:

You are going to be spending the majority of your waking hours at work. While it would be nice to have regular day hours, it is far more important that you do something you are passionate about. Hang in there and you will find the right place for you.

*heavy sigh* yeaaaaah.  I am so disappointed that the things I like have bad hours, but I guess it can't be helped?

On a brighter note, we had a simulated Crashing Patient situation yesterday, and I totally nailed it.  I was so excited.  it was fun and I did really well with it and I am SO pleased.  I would say that I killed it, because technically that was supposed to happen, but then I got it back, which was also supposed to happen.  Whoo!!

 

Aight!  Updates.

Happy Body

Diet: I have cracked it.  I have figured out a way to do a microwave version of the noms I normally would make on the stove.  I figured this out after reading many of the articles on NF talking about how most people don't like to eat the same thing every day.  I had forgotten that while in college, I ate the same thing every day for two years straight.  AT least for right now, I can probably eat the same thing every day for several weeks in a row--so that's how I'm going to get my weight down.  My meal prep time is about 2 hours for food for the whole week.  I'm doing my smoothies and an apple for breakfast/AM snack, a salad with roasted cauliflower, baked chicken, and homemade hummus as a dressing for lunch, trail mix or some kind of carb as PM snack, jerky before I work out, and my glorious chicken+veggies+peanut butter etc etc for dinner.  Dessert is some greek yogurt and frozen fruit.  I'm letting myself have one sweet a day, whether that's chocolate or some of the deliciousness I brought back from visiting my sister.  It's a diet I can actually stick to, and it's pretty damn healthy and protein packed, light on the carbs, which is exactly how my body loses weight.

 

Exercise: so Monday was bad.  I went to the gym and 1) all the KBs I needed were taken for a class, then I 2) got shoved off the bar I was using for pull ups, and then when I came back to try things again after cardio I 3) got muscled out of a second piece of equipment by another dude just as I was wrapping up my hands to get on it.

So I worked out in my apartment building's gym yesterday, since I didn't feel like fighting for equipment.  I have KBs in my room that I can use, and while I don't like the bikes there, the treadmills work well enough and are in front of some nice windows.  So I can do my necessary stuff there.  I don't know when I want to go back to the gym at work.  Given the body image stuff I've got going on right now, I actually don't have the confidence in me to do the assertive things just so I can work out.  Maybe today, I will try to go, and if I get muscled out again I will go home and work out at the gym here.  

 

Happy brain

Intellect: not studying.  At all.  Been chilling and sleeping.  I suppose I should fix that.

Mental health: still doing the struggle bus with body image things.  I am reminding myself that just because "everyone" says this or that is hard during residency doesn't make them right.  I am still going to commit to things like practicing, playing in public, and going to the gym.   An attending yesterday talked about how hard it is to be a healthy doctor, and it was good to hear that from someone else.  I just thought I was disorganized and my attention problems were keeping me from living my best life.  

 

Happy heart

Spiritual health: well this needs some work.  

Relationship health: as above, I am Avoiding the Relationships with Certain Folks.  I don't need anyone causing drama in my life right now because I wanted to spend time with my sister.

 

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3 hours ago, Treva said:

It's been really awesome figuring out how many people in my program--not just in my year but in the years above me--have similar brainwaves to mine and are good people to talk to.  It's been really cool to be surrounded by other young doctors who are doing fulfilling things, whether it's new research or spending time with their families.  I am happy to find that I am more similar to my colleagues than I thought I would be.  

 

Yay for making connections with people in your program!

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

On a brighter note, we had a simulated Crashing Patient situation yesterday, and I totally nailed it.  I was so excited.  it was fun and I did really well with it and I am SO pleased.  I would say that I killed it, because technically that was supposed to happen, but then I got it back, which was also supposed to happen.  Whoo!!

 

Diet: I have cracked it.  I have figured out a way to do a microwave version of the noms I normally would make on the stove.  I figured this out after reading many of the articles on NF talking about how most people don't like to eat the same thing every day.  I had forgotten that while in college, I ate the same thing every day for two years straight.  AT least for right now, I can probably eat the same thing every day for several weeks in a row--so that's how I'm going to get my weight down.  My meal prep time is about 2 hours for food for the whole week.  I'm doing my smoothies and an apple for breakfast/AM snack, a salad with roasted cauliflower, baked chicken, and homemade hummus as a dressing for lunch, trail mix or some kind of carb as PM snack, jerky before I work out, and my glorious chicken+veggies+peanut butter etc etc for dinner.  Dessert is some greek yogurt and frozen fruit.  I'm letting myself have one sweet a day, whether that's chocolate or some of the deliciousness I brought back from visiting my sister.  It's a diet I can actually stick to, and it's pretty damn healthy and protein packed, light on the carbs, which is exactly how my body loses weight.

 

Go Treva!  Congratulations on nailing your situation exercise and on figuring out food. Being able to prep food in advance and knowing you have things you like to eat saves a lot of stress and time.

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

I have KBs in my room that I can use, and while I don't like the bikes there, the treadmills work well enough and are in front of some nice windows.  So I can do my necessary stuff there. 

 

The exercise you are willing to do is the best exercise. It's great that you have resources at home to do your main exercise routine.

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

Mental health: still doing the struggle bus with body image things.  I am reminding myself that just because "everyone" says this or that is hard during residency doesn't make them right.  I am still going to commit to things like practicing, playing in public, and going to the gym.   An attending yesterday talked about how hard it is to be a healthy doctor, and it was good to hear that from someone else.  I just thought I was disorganized and my attention problems were keeping me from living my best life.  

 

Happy heart

Spiritual health: well this needs some work.  

Relationship health: as above, I am Avoiding the Relationships with Certain Folks.  I don't need anyone causing drama in my life right now because I wanted to spend time with my sister.

 

You have done hard things before and succeeded. You are continuing to do hard things. I fully expect that you will figure out a way to do all the things you care about. Note that many other doctors are spending their free time on other things, like taking care of kids or going out socializing. Your happy life looks different than theirs, and that is a good thing

 

Likewise, anyone who resents you spending time with your siblings is a jerk.

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On 9/11/2019 at 12:19 PM, Mistr said:

Go Treva!  Congratulations on nailing your situation exercise and on figuring out food. Being able to prep food in advance and knowing you have things you like to eat saves a lot of stress and time.

Thank you thank you!!I think it has helped.  Baked chicken a month in is starting to get a little dull, but I'm usually okay as long as I can slather it in peanut butter and hot sauce.  Awww yeah.  It's been a nice treat at the end of the day

 

On 9/11/2019 at 12:19 PM, Mistr said:

The exercise you are willing to do is the best exercise. It's great that you have resources at home to do your main exercise routine.

It has been good to remember this over the past month.  It has been a hard adjustment, but I finally have gotten my brain into a flexible enough space to say "okay, I can't get To The Gym today, but I can do this activity at home".  i.e., left two hours later than usual today, so said since it was a bit stressful at work, I would go home and do yoga and pilates.  

 

On 9/11/2019 at 12:19 PM, Mistr said:

You have done hard things before and succeeded. You are continuing to do hard things. I fully expect that you will figure out a way to do all the things you care about. Note that many other doctors are spending their free time on other things, like taking care of kids or going out socializing. Your happy life looks different than theirs, and that is a good thing

 

Likewise, anyone who resents you spending time with your siblings is a jerk.

This is a good reminder.  I actually ended up not speaking anymore to the one person who was resenting me spending time with my siblings.  I actually blew off that discussion to get milkshakes with a new friend.  Granted, I had also gotten out of work late, but I decided that wasn't drama I felt particularly responsible for, and I didn't want to talk to someone who would tell me I was a bad friend for seeing my sister, or having to change plans.  

 

Thank you for believing in me.  I am starting to find ways to do the hard things.  The past two weeks I had a friend at the gym (is not permanent friend, is one of the traveling staff kinds), and so I decided to spend time with New Friend instead of stressing over the Drama Friend, or going home and studying when my brain was too tired.  I feel like I ended up doing better at work; even though sometimes I was tired, I had reasons to leave at the end of the day that helped keep me motivated to stay on task.  I've also had that positive reinforcement to keep trying to make friends at the gym--especially now that New Friend showed me how to bench press and do barbell squats.  

 

I have dropped about three pounds consistently so far, which is good.  I would ideally like to lose 2 more, but it is nice to know that it only takes 4-6 weeks to drop the bit of weight I gain on rougher services.  

 

Happy Body

Diet: this has been very good, except for the desserts we got this week!  I am trying to do them in moderation, but it's really hard.  Baked goods from home are just there to make me happy.  But otherwise I'm still doing healthy salads, much to the dismay or awe of my coworkers

Exercise:  I am much better at being flexible and gentle with myself.  Sometimes that form of exercise is napping, or going to bed early.  

 

Happy Brain

Intellect: I haven't been great about studying, so maybe this goal needs to change (especially since even my program director thinks my study schedule is Too Goddamned Much).  Instead of studying, this might be "review something" or read something new every day.

Mental health: This I actually have been better at.  When I leave work, I am Off.  That's it.  I don't read up on my patients overnight, I don't sit around and think of brilliant things to say on rounds, or find papers to quote.  I'm done.  I come home and I do Other things.  It makes me fresher at work (and I am still the first one in the door in the mornings.  Again, to the dismay of my coworkers, so much so that when I showed up at a quarter past my usual time, they actually congratulated me on learning to sleep in).

 

 

Happy heart.

Spiritual health: I'm not meditating, and it's not the end of the world, so maybe this goal needs to change too.  Maybe it's prayer every day.   What has been really emotionally rewarding is getting to play the piano at the hospital.  It's been great not only to play in public again, but to get all the interaction with people while I'm playing.  It helps reassure me that no one actually hears my mistakes, and that I really am doing more good sharing what I have, mistakes and all, with other people instead of hiding it at home waiting for it to be perfect.  I'm making a point to do this at least once a month, depending on my schedule.  

Relationship health: I am much, much better at this, as seen above.  I literally blew off an asshole to hang out with New Friend who was F***ing Delightful and I think it's one of the best decisions I've made in a while.  I'm really proud of myself for doing something that for once in my life actually made me happy, even though it would make someone else unhappy.  I said just this once, Treva gets to hang out with someone she finds interesting.  And I did.  And it was great.

In other assertive things, I finally decided to get furniture I liked for the living room, and spent a little extra money on some lamps I thought really fit my style.  It was absolutely worth the money.  I'm not used to spending a little extra on myself, and for something I will use a lot, I think it was the right decision.  

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15 hours ago, Treva said:

It has been good to remember this over the past month.  It has been a hard adjustment, but I finally have gotten my brain into a flexible enough space to say "okay, I can't get To The Gym today, but I can do this activity at home".  i.e., left two hours later than usual today, so said since it was a bit stressful at work, I would go home and do yoga and pilates.  

 

Nods. The stories we tell ourselves have a lot of power. "Going to the gym is important" is a message that served you well for the last couple years. Changing that to "moving my body is important" takes some effort. And a new set of behaviors so that you do in fact move when you get home instead of collapsing on the couch.

 

15 hours ago, Treva said:

Thank you for believing in me.  I am starting to find ways to do the hard things.  The past two weeks I had a friend at the gym (is not permanent friend, is one of the traveling staff kinds), and so I decided to spend time with New Friend instead of stressing over the Drama Friend, or going home and studying when my brain was too tired.  I feel like I ended up doing better at work; even though sometimes I was tired, I had reasons to leave at the end of the day that helped keep me motivated to stay on task.  I've also had that positive reinforcement to keep trying to make friends at the gym--especially now that New Friend showed me how to bench press and do barbell squats.  

 

I have dropped about three pounds consistently so far, which is good.  I would ideally like to lose 2 more, but it is nice to know that it only takes 4-6 weeks to drop the bit of weight I gain on rougher services.  

 

Good for you standing up for yourself and doing the things to make you feel good about yourself. Two pounds from your goal weight is great!

 

15 hours ago, Treva said:

Happy Body

 

Happy Brain

 

Happy heart.

 

Relationship health: I am much, much better at this, as seen above.  I literally blew off an asshole to hang out with New Friend who was F***ing Delightful and I think it's one of the best decisions I've made in a while.  I'm really proud of myself for doing something that for once in my life actually made me happy, even though it would make someone else unhappy.  I said just this once, Treva gets to hang out with someone she finds interesting.  And I did.  And it was great.

 

All sorts of good things here, especially the relationship health. You had fun with someone who shares your interests outside of work. That is awesome.

 

15 hours ago, Treva said:

In other assertive things, I finally decided to get furniture I liked for the living room, and spent a little extra money on some lamps I thought really fit my style.  It was absolutely worth the money.  I'm not used to spending a little extra on myself, and for something I will use a lot, I think it was the right decision.  

 

Yep, those decisions can be challenging. I absolutely think you made the right choice to get lamps that you really like. Hopefully they are good quality and will last a long time. I have lamps in my house that I got from my mom and my grandmother. Those style choices could be part of your life for a long time. Much better that you got things you will appreciate rather than things you will want to replace in a few years, but might not want to spend the money because they still work. Good adulting!

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I swear I'm going to get better about regular posting.  I can't even remember what I was doing the last time I wrote something.  The rhythm seems to be Awful for a month, sleep for two weeks, and then have two weeks to catch up on everything

 

 

On 9/11/2019 at 12:19 PM, Mistr said:

Go Treva!  Congratulations on nailing your situation exercise and on figuring out food. Being able to prep food in advance and knowing you have things you like to eat saves a lot of stress and time.

Thank you thank you!!I think it has helped.  Baked chicken a month in is starting to get a little dull, but I'm usually okay as long as I can slather it in peanut butter and hot sauce.  Awww yeah.  It's been a nice treat at the end of the day

 

On 9/11/2019 at 12:19 PM, Mistr said:

The exercise you are willing to do is the best exercise. It's great that you have resources at home to do your main exercise routine.

It has been good to remember this over the past month.  It has been a hard adjustment, but I finally have gotten my brain into a flexible enough space to say "okay, I can't get To The Gym today, but I can do this activity at home".  i.e., left two hours later than usual the other day, so said since it was a bit stressful at work, I would go home and do yoga and pilates.  Using what I do at the gym as a response to what happened in the day has helped me unwind more efficiently.  

I feel helpless and useless at work --> I do zombie apocalypse training and fun things that make me feel powerful.

I hate my job --> I do barbell work since it makes me feel good about myself

I feel overwhelmed and like I don't have time to take care of myself--> I do yoga and pilates at home.

 

On 9/11/2019 at 12:19 PM, Mistr said:

You have done hard things before and succeeded. You are continuing to do hard things. I fully expect that you will figure out a way to do all the things you care about. Note that many other doctors are spending their free time on other things, like taking care of kids or going out socializing. Your happy life looks different than theirs, and that is a good thing

 

Likewise, anyone who resents you spending time with your siblings is a jerk.

This is a good reminder.  I actually ended up not speaking anymore to the one person who was resenting me spending time with my siblings.  I actually blew off that discussion to get milkshakes with a new friend.  Granted, I had also gotten out of work late, but I decided that wasn't drama I felt particularly responsible for, and I didn't want to talk to someone who would tell me I was a bad friend for seeing my sister, or having to change plans.  

 

Thank you for believing in me.  I am starting to find ways to do the hard things.  The past two weeks I had a friend at the gym, and so I decided to spend time with New Friend instead of stressing over the Drama Friend, or going home and studying when my brain was too tired.  I feel like I ended up doing better at work; even though sometimes I was tired, I had reasons to leave at the end of the day that helped keep me motivated to stay on task.  It was positive reinforcement to keep trying to make friends at the gym--especially now that New Friend showed me how to bench press and do barbell squats.  New Friend also thinks the S&S program is insanity and physically could not do TGUs, which we both found pretty funny considering he deadlifts a stupid amount of weight.

 

He left a few weeks ago, but I have continued to make friends with some of the other regulars.  It's at the point where if I'm not on earbuds, someone will come up and be like "hi, I see you here every goddam day like me, and I don't have a social life and so do you want to do the friend thing?" and I'm like "God yes I am terrified of people but I also have no social life, let us do the friend thing".  I tried a class at the gym too--just a drop in thing where the trainers help you with form--and that was really positive.  FYI @Kishi I told one of them how I got into working out and the immediate response was "Who starts with kettlebells?"

 

 

I steadily held off the two pounds from my last post, and have been fluxing around that number +/- 2 pounds.  Its really frustrating because from a numbers game I want to lose 3 or so more.  I saw a friend two days ago that I hadn't seen in months, and we talked about it.  He was a little confused and accused me of being "Face fit", aka, the numbers probably didn't matter because I had probably done so much body recomposition that my face had changed.  Apparently this is a thing?  I'm a doctor, I know one of the main reasons why the pounds matter is because the BMI has associations with comorbidities and morbidity/mortality.  It's hard to believe that sometimes.  Since my BMI is not close to overweight yet, I think I'm going to stop fussing and just Feed the Muscles Protein.

 

Since this post is long enough and I need an incentive to post more regularly, I'll save more stuff for later this week.

 

Happy Body

Diet: gave up and had a snack bag of potato chips and a mini milkshake the other day.  I consider this Feeding the Sharks so shark week is not so bad.  Otherwise, Living the baked chicken dream.  I got adventurous and tried my own beef with broccoli using baked broccoli and no wild stir fry sauce.  Pretty tasty.  Might be something I can use to phase out emergency ramen nights.

Exercise: See above.  The new rundown of components are

S&S: Full: 30lb one arm swings/25lb getups, deload: 25lb two arm swings/10lb getups

Arm day: 5x10 pushups alternated with 5x5 25lb weighted shoulder shrugs, then  5x5 bench press.  I put 20 extra pounds on the bar yesterday.  I am tiny but I am learning.

Leg day: 2x2x3 ballet set 1, 2x2x3-5 ballet set 2, 5x5 barbell squats.  I'm putting 25 extra pounds on the bar now, which is exciting for me.

Core Day: pilates.

Basic cardio: 30 minutes on the bike

Creative day: run outside!  monkey around on the bars and cannon ball grips!  consider getting a TRX band!  Or my favorite thing I have done so far, which is Pretend I am in Mirrors Edge and just F***in Run Everywhere.  I ran to meet my friend the other day, got to the park before him, and looked out across the city being like "I got strong!  This is neat!"  I still do not run fast, but I can run up lots and lots of stairs.

Zombie apocalypse Short Mock HIIT: The point is to increase by one each time.  

run laps (3+)

pushups (2x10+)

laps (3+)

plank (1min+)

Laps (3+)

one legged squats (2x2x5+)

Sprint (1+)

pull ups (Just less than failure)

 

I'm now at 4laps-->2x13 pushups-->3 laps --> 1min15sec plank -->3 laps -->2x2x5 one legged squats -->1.5 sprint laps -->Pull ups till I'm done.

The structure is always S&S+something, except if I'm passing out at home doing yoga and pilates on a deload day.

 

Happy Brain

Intellect: I talked it over with a fellow and my program director, and my new study plan is do 5 kaplan questions a night, write the explanations in my master the boards book, until I am done with the question bank.  That's it.  Also the good news is on our in service exam that all of my classmates took, I scored higher than the average percentile rank!!!  So I have proof my study plan from before promotes long retention and has adequate short term review utility.  I'm also adding in bonus things like writing up papers, listening to podcasts I like, but not in a structured or dedicated way.

Mental Health: AGGRESSIVE NAPPING.  I am also now a webcomic addict and almost have one for every night of the week.  It is my five minutes of me time.  I love engaging with stories, so I am engaging with stories.  Still playing in public, still practicing my organ, never as much as I want but it's okay for now.

 

Happy Heart

Spiritual Health: I've been better about getting to church.  If it were socially acceptable for me to show up sweaty in the mornings, I'd run to church and back  It is not.  I also have been watching the national cathedral livestreams when I get home, which feeds the spiritual AND the musical.  

Relationship health: NEW FRIENDS.  DOIN IT.  YEAH.

 

Looking forward to catching up with everyone now that I am not aggressively passing out on all the soft surfaces in my apartment.

 

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13 hours ago, Treva said:

It has been good to remember this over the past month.  It has been a hard adjustment, but I finally have gotten my brain into a flexible enough space to say "okay, I can't get To The Gym today, but I can do this activity at home".  i.e., left two hours later than usual the other day, so said since it was a bit stressful at work, I would go home and do yoga and pilates.  Using what I do at the gym as a response to what happened in the day has helped me unwind more efficiently.  

I feel helpless and useless at work --> I do zombie apocalypse training and fun things that make me feel powerful.

I hate my job --> I do barbell work since it makes me feel good about myself

I feel overwhelmed and like I don't have time to take care of myself--> I do yoga and pilates at home.

 

Nice, seems like a pretty good system to me. :) 

 

13 hours ago, Treva said:

Also the good news is on our in service exam that all of my classmates took, I scored higher than the average percentile rank!!!  So I have proof my study plan from before promotes long retention and has adequate short term review utility. 

 

That is fantastic, congrats! 

 

Image result for you rock gifs

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On 10/26/2019 at 7:56 AM, Treva said:

It has been good to remember this over the past month.  It has been a hard adjustment, but I finally have gotten my brain into a flexible enough space to say "okay, I can't get To The Gym today, but I can do this activity at home".  i.e., left two hours later than usual the other day, so said since it was a bit stressful at work, I would go home and do yoga and pilates.  Using what I do at the gym as a response to what happened in the day has helped me unwind more efficiently.  

I feel helpless and useless at work --> I do zombie apocalypse training and fun things that make me feel powerful.

I hate my job --> I do barbell work since it makes me feel good about myself

I feel overwhelmed and like I don't have time to take care of myself--> I do yoga and pilates at home.

 

I like how you are matching your exercise to what kind of day you had. I need to try that.

 

On 10/26/2019 at 7:56 AM, Treva said:

He left a few weeks ago, but I have continued to make friends with some of the other regulars.  It's at the point where if I'm not on earbuds, someone will come up and be like "hi, I see you here every goddam day like me, and I don't have a social life and so do you want to do the friend thing?" and I'm like "God yes I am terrified of people but I also have no social life, let us do the friend thing".  I tried a class at the gym too--just a drop in thing where the trainers help you with form--and that was really positive.  FYI @Kishi I told one of them how I got into working out and the immediate response was "Who starts with kettlebells?"

 

Yay! I am proud of you!

 

On 10/26/2019 at 7:56 AM, Treva said:

I steadily held off the two pounds from my last post, and have been fluxing around that number +/- 2 pounds.  Its really frustrating because from a numbers game I want to lose 3 or so more.  I saw a friend two days ago that I hadn't seen in months, and we talked about it.  He was a little confused and accused me of being "Face fit", aka, the numbers probably didn't matter because I had probably done so much body recomposition that my face had changed.  Apparently this is a thing?  I'm a doctor, I know one of the main reasons why the pounds matter is because the BMI has associations with comorbidities and morbidity/mortality.  It's hard to believe that sometimes.  Since my BMI is not close to overweight yet, I think I'm going to stop fussing and just Feed the Muscles Protein.

 

I hear you about this. I feel much the same about those pesky 2 pounds I'd like to keep off.

 

That said, take a look at the pictures of Staci at https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/how-to-build-muscle-as-a-woman-the-ultimate-guide-for-gaining-weight-the-right-way/. I don't think that BMI is telling the whole story when someone puts on a lot of muscle. Staci looks slimmer and far more fit at 150 than she did at 115. She recently bulked to 170 as part of her training plan, and looks pretty much the same. My take on this is that much like the ideal gas law, BMI is a general approximation that falls apart for the athletic end of the range of humans.

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On 10/29/2019 at 12:09 PM, Mistr said:

I like how you are matching your exercise to what kind of day you had. I need to try that.

It has helped my mood.  I get endorphins no matter what, so if I have had a bad day and just want to swing on the bars/cannon ball grips, I do it.   

 

On 10/29/2019 at 12:09 PM, Mistr said:

Yay! I am proud of you!

:3 :3 :3 thank you :):)

 

On 10/29/2019 at 12:09 PM, Mistr said:

I hear you about this. I feel much the same about those pesky 2 pounds I'd like to keep off.

 

That said, take a look at the pictures of Staci at https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/how-to-build-muscle-as-a-woman-the-ultimate-guide-for-gaining-weight-the-right-way/. I don't think that BMI is telling the whole story when someone puts on a lot of muscle. Staci looks slimmer and far more fit at 150 than she did at 115. She recently bulked to 170 as part of her training plan, and looks pretty much the same. My take on this is that much like the ideal gas law, BMI is a general approximation that falls apart for the athletic end of the range of humans.

Thank you for validating me and sharing in the feelings about those pesky two pounds.

That's a really good article, thank you for sending it to me.  BMI definitely doesn't make sense if you're looking at very athletic people, but I suppose I am still keeping it in mind since I know I'm not training every day for 3+ hours at a time.  I still am coming from a place of "I dont have that much muscle definition at a similar weight, so I still clearly have some fat to lose."  And I know for me, it is very hard to lose the fat if I'm not sleeping and managing my stress appropriately.  I have a whole lot more muscle than I did before, and things are easier to do.   My clothes still fit, so I guess I'm just putting the tweaking on hold until I can get more sleep on a regular basis.

 

In other neat strength findings, I told my mom I wouldn't have trouble moving something that weighed around eighty pounds, and her response was "no, it's very heavy." I tried to tell her I'm benching 70 and squatting 75, so it shouldn't be too bad for me to manage.  I am by no means a power lifter but I'm not a complete weakling anymore.  

 

Happy Body

Diet: I fell off the wagon a little bit with going home (as I usually do), and am easing myself back into better habits.  Not having a standard work schedule means I have a less standard eating schedule, and I'm trying to stay on budget with my groceries.  I end up eating what's in the house, and sometimes that's ramen.  but when I am at work, I've made my dinners my very own frozen microwave meals, which might actually be a good thing for me to do for the future.  If only I had enough takeout containers and freezer space...

Exercise:  while the eating schedule is off, I have been able to use my component based exercise plan to fit in around weird work hours.  When I have days off, I do strength training and cardio.  When I have half days, I do my HIIT Zombies, and when I have no time at all I do Sleep.  

 

Happy Brain

Intellect: I am keeping up with some of the research I am starting, have made more of a commitment to my Kaplan questions, and am using some time on my days off to listen to the critical care podcasts I enjoy.  It reminds me that there are still things in medicine that I love, even when I'm stuck doing floor work (and the ever onerous discharge.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get someone home safely from the hospital?  Act of God.  Miracles.  A Divine Figure descending from the clouds with transportation and money for medication).

Mental Health: I saw a friend this week, which was beneficial for the brain.  I am trying to be conscious of the shorter daytime hours, good use of Gym Endorphins, and keeping up with the organ practicing.  

 

Happy heart

Spiritual health: It's just hard to get to church when I'm not off on sundays.  It's also hard when all I want to do on my days off is sleep, practice, and go to the gym.  When I can go, it's great--the sermons at both places I go to were about healer's fatigue (and boy am I feeling that).  

Relationship Health: I am getting better at reaching out to people around me that I trust.   I know I won't like everyone in my intern class, so it is good to have some friends that I do feel I can talk to.  I would like to have friends over soon, now that the apartment is mostly in shape. 

Stupid cleaning stuff only I care about.

Spoiler

 

I am at the point in my Great Cleaning Saga where I am thinking I might prefer to not live with another human for some time.  I am tired of coming home, doing all the dishes, wiping down the counters, running the roomba, making dinner for myself and sometimes my roommate, getting the trash off the floor and off the counters, getting the trash out, getting the recycling out.  These are all normal adult things that I don't mind doing for myself, but I get tired when I'm doing double the work without any help for years.  I realized that over the last year or so I have stopped reaching out for help, and I think the home situation is playing a role in that. 

 

I did realize the situation does still bother me when I'm on busy rotations, but I don't complain about it because I'm too tired to fight a war I have already lost.  I cut my losses and suck it up because 6 days a week, 10 or 12 or 28 hours a day, I'm spending my fight at my job.  If it becomes feasible I might want to try some time on my own.  In my own place.  Where I can keep the trash in the trash can.  And the recycling in the recycling bin.  And clutter in the clutter bins.  And the only pots I have to wash are mine.  

 

I also realized why getting the roomba and dishwasher were (and still are) a big deal to me.  It's not even that they do things, it's that they make me feel like I don't have to do everything on my own. 

Robots are better than people sometimes.

 

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On 11/2/2019 at 12:18 PM, Treva said:

Thank you for validating me and sharing in the feelings about those pesky two pounds.

That's a really good article, thank you for sending it to me.  BMI definitely doesn't make sense if you're looking at very athletic people, but I suppose I am still keeping it in mind since I know I'm not training every day for 3+ hours at a time.  I still am coming from a place of "I dont have that much muscle definition at a similar weight, so I still clearly have some fat to lose."  And I know for me, it is very hard to lose the fat if I'm not sleeping and managing my stress appropriately.  I have a whole lot more muscle than I did before, and things are easier to do.   My clothes still fit, so I guess I'm just putting the tweaking on hold until I can get more sleep on a regular basis.

 

I agree you are smart to put off tweaking until you can get more sleep. I'm not sure how strong the scientific evidence is, but I've been told that the body tends to store fat when a person is under stress and not sleeping enough. Those are conditions that the human hindbrain associates with "need to run away from predators a lot". Which means keeping a generous fat reserve for those unplanned sprints. You are already eating healthy, exercising and managing stress as best you can. Those long-term goals will still be there once you are in a saner situation. They can wait quietly.

 

On 11/2/2019 at 12:18 PM, Treva said:

Diet: I fell off the wagon a little bit with going home (as I usually do), and am easing myself back into better habits.  Not having a standard work schedule means I have a less standard eating schedule, and I'm trying to stay on budget with my groceries.  I end up eating what's in the house, and sometimes that's ramen.  but when I am at work, I've made my dinners my very own frozen microwave meals, which might actually be a good thing for me to do for the future.  If only I had enough takeout containers and freezer space...

 

I still have the urge to eat whatever is available that I ingrained as a grad student. I can get past it now by making food that I like better. Otherwise the free pizza will get me every time.

 

One of things on our wish list for several years was good freezer containers. It has taken awhile, but we now have plenty of storage and lunch containers. Currently I prefer Snapware because they don't leak. You can get sets or just the sizes you want.

 

My grocery store carries bags of frozen pre-cooked chicken breasts, beef patties, meatballs and other types of protein. Combine that with some bags of frozen veggies and you can assemble your own instant microwave lunches - no cooking needed. Not quite as cheap as batch cooking your own chicken, but better than ramen when you don't have time. Just sayin.

 

On 11/2/2019 at 12:18 PM, Treva said:

Stupid cleaning stuff only I care about.

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I am at the point in my Great Cleaning Saga where I am thinking I might prefer to not live with another human for some time.  I am tired of coming home, doing all the dishes, wiping down the counters, running the roomba, making dinner for myself and sometimes my roommate, getting the trash off the floor and off the counters, getting the trash out, getting the recycling out.  These are all normal adult things that I don't mind doing for myself, but I get tired when I'm doing double the work without any help for years.  I realized that over the last year or so I have stopped reaching out for help, and I think the home situation is playing a role in that. 

 

I did realize the situation does still bother me when I'm on busy rotations, but I don't complain about it because I'm too tired to fight a war I have already lost.  I cut my losses and suck it up because 6 days a week, 10 or 12 or 28 hours a day, I'm spending my fight at my job.  If it becomes feasible I might want to try some time on my own.  In my own place.  Where I can keep the trash in the trash can.  And the recycling in the recycling bin.  And clutter in the clutter bins.  And the only pots I have to wash are mine.  

 

I also realized why getting the roomba and dishwasher were (and still are) a big deal to me.  It's not even that they do things, it's that they make me feel like I don't have to do everything on my own. 

Robots are better than people sometimes.

 

Ouch, that sounds frustrating. I was hoping that your roommate had gotten the message and was going to shape up after you moved into your new apartment. They are taking rampant advantage of you by not doing their share of the work. I agree you would be much better off living by yourself.

 

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I can't believe I've been so busy I haven't posted in a month.  This is madness.  MADNESS.

It has been a busy month.

 

On 11/4/2019 at 1:18 PM, Mistr said:

I agree you are smart to put off tweaking until you can get more sleep. I'm not sure how strong the scientific evidence is, but I've been told that the body tends to store fat when a person is under stress and not sleeping enough. Those are conditions that the human hindbrain associates with "need to run away from predators a lot". Which means keeping a generous fat reserve for those unplanned sprints. You are already eating healthy, exercising and managing stress as best you can. Those long-term goals will still be there once you are in a saner situation. They can wait quietly.

I learned recently that I have become very bad at waiting and being patient.  Child brain says "we have been patient FOR DECADES why must this keep going.  Candy now."

I have had to do shifts in my diet recently, because for some reason I was getting a lot of bad GI symptoms.  I've been Off Plan for about a week and a half, and I do feel better for some reason.  I can't honestly say I know why yet.

I am currently on the strugglebus to keep the cortisol down.   Struggle.  Bus.  But on the bright side I've given up on weighing myself and just said "this body needs to eat, so we gonna eat."

 

Ugh all right here's a month long belated update, since it will be good for me to put my thoughts down.

 

Happy Body

Diet: as above.  I have thrown the old diet to the wind for reasons of GI upset,  and I don't know when, if, or how I will be picking it back up again.  I am doing a few more carbs at lunch (I gave up and started eating the free meals they're providing us), and dinner has been left overs for the most part.  I have no idea what I'm going to do on nights.  Not.  A.  Clue.

Exercise: this has been going well.  I make it to the gym 4-6 times a week.  I'm doing two handed 40lb swings or one handed 30lb swings both comfortably.  My TGUs should probably get escalated to full 30 lb courses, but I'm delaying.  Squats are going well, I'm squatting at least 105 now and benching?? don't remember, too zonkered to think about it.  My pull ups are getting better now that I have started benching, and I have started doing hanging leg raises, which are fun?  and really work the core, which is good.

 

Happy Brain

Intellect: I'm a little bored at work.  Everything feels either too difficult or too easy; either the situation is indecipherable, or it's a basic case of something.  It is not helping my anxiety that my brain is not busy, and is currently without a problem to work on or explore.  Brain needs Things To Do.

Mental Health: hooboy.  Had a breakdown over the phone with an old friend because I'm A Mess and Think I'm Stupid and also mild relationship drama.  It's all fine now.  I am still in a bit of a funk; it just hit when the weather got really cold and I do sundown.  I feel a bit apathetic, and searching for purpose.  I stopped moving so fast and the big questions hit me.  I think I'm a little disappointed because I have to keep being patient for things that I want.

 

Happy Heart

Spiritual health: I really just haven't been able to get to church, so I think I'll be picking up some books instead.  I can always read the lectionary or something.  It is important for my sanity, as see above, I've been searching for purpose and struggling to find it.  So.  there's that.

Relationship health: I have good positive relationships.  They are growing.  I just want to find a good way to not be anxious about them.  It seems like the last couple of days all my anxiety wants to do is fixate on the future, and I would like it to stop doing that.  Posthaste.

 

I've basically been holding steady for the last month, with random bouts of breakdowns.

 

 

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Hi Treva, good to see you!

 

No one is surprised that you are busy and rarely have time to post here. I'm glad to hear that your gym time has been going well.

 

My sympathy on the food woes. It is frustrating when food you enjoy suddenly turns on you. I hope you can figure out the real culprit and avoid it. I've recently determined that dairy causes unpleasant aftereffects, so I can empathize.

 

I'm glad that you are giving yourself space to eat food to keep you going. Free food is a great perk for a busy person. I hope some of it is tasty and/or nutritious. Keeping fed is essential. You can improve the quality later.

 

Have you been able to relax and do fun things on your rare time off? I notice you didn't mention playing music, which is usually one of your happy things to do. I expect there are plenty of reasons for you to be stretched too thin and having breakdowns. I wish I could help with things to keep you feeling good while you work All The Time.

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Welcome back! We missed you. :)

 

14 hours ago, Treva said:

Diet: as above.  I have thrown the old diet to the wind for reasons of GI upset,  and I don't know when, if, or how I will be picking it back up again.  I am doing a few more carbs at lunch (I gave up and started eating the free meals they're providing us), and dinner has been left overs for the most part.  I have no idea what I'm going to do on nights.  Not.  A.  Clue.

Exercise: this has been going well.  I make it to the gym 4-6 times a week.  I'm doing two handed 40lb swings or one handed 30lb swings both comfortably.  My TGUs should probably get escalated to full 30 lb courses, but I'm delaying.  Squats are going well, I'm squatting at least 105 now and benching?? don't remember, too zonkered to think about it.  My pull ups are getting better now that I have started benching, and I have started doing hanging leg raises, which are fun?  and really work the core, which is good.

 

I sympathize with dietary woes. It feels like a betrayal when things that were good are suddenly not. OTOH, I do think you deserve credit for doing as much as you can to make the best possible choices. Giving Up is the easier option because of how facilitated that process is; you fighting it does you much credit. Also, as usual, just all the gym time. Nice. :) I've tried a lot of different core stuff but hanging leg raises just always seem to be something that work well, so awesome.

 

14 hours ago, Treva said:

Intellect: I'm a little bored at work.  Everything feels either too difficult or too easy; either the situation is indecipherable, or it's a basic case of something.  It is not helping my anxiety that my brain is not busy, and is currently without a problem to work on or explore.  Brain needs Things To Do.

Mental Health: hooboy.  Had a breakdown over the phone with an old friend because I'm A Mess and Think I'm Stupid and also mild relationship drama.  It's all fine now.  I am still in a bit of a funk; it just hit when the weather got really cold and I do sundown.  I feel a bit apathetic, and searching for purpose.  I stopped moving so fast and the big questions hit me.  I think I'm a little disappointed because I have to keep being patient for things that I want.

 

Oh no. Hugs.

 

Having the slow down can be both good and bad. The bad is that it shows you some stuff you weren't dealing with; the good is that you know it now, and you have the option to work on it if that's something that you want to do.

 

Yeah, more work on top of all the work you're doing now. -_-;; But you know, it's the kind of work that hopefully makes the other work easier?

 

14 hours ago, Treva said:

Spiritual health: I really just haven't been able to get to church, so I think I'll be picking up some books instead.  I can always read the lectionary or something.  It is important for my sanity, as see above, I've been searching for purpose and struggling to find it.  So.  there's that.

Relationship health: I have good positive relationships.  They are growing.  I just want to find a good way to not be anxious about them.  It seems like the last couple of days all my anxiety wants to do is fixate on the future, and I would like it to stop doing that.  Posthaste.

 

Maybe it's my latent misanthropy talking, but picking up some books doesn't sound like a bad idea. Better than people at any rate. Given how much work peopling seems to represent right now, maybe some spiritual solitude is in order?

 

Fixating on the future... yeah. Well, if it helps any, the growing positive relationships have the potential to help you when the future comes, as it will. I would be careful with the idea of channeling that nervous energy into relationships - because that can unbalance too - but maybe connection with the right people for whom you can both give and receive kindness can be a release? Maybe helpful.

 

("but Kishi you just said that people kind of suck and solitude is good." To which I say "I contain multitudes of platitudes.")

 

14 hours ago, Treva said:

I've basically been holding steady for the last month, with random bouts of breakdowns.

 

Holding steady means you didn't get worse. You have progressed enough that those forces dragging you back are friggin' cancelled. Badass. Keep this up and we'll have to start calling you "Badass MD."

 

(I know I know I remember how it went last time we tried to fix you up with a title I'm not saying we're gonna do it I just wanna encourage you~~~~)

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