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Morag's unexpected journey.


Morag

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I'd be interested in hearing more about your home blessing ritual.

Brain dump away. We are here for that.

Goals are good. You are getting stuff done, so they count.

"They say that a goal without a date is just a dream. But it is on the wandering pathways of our dreams that we often find our way forward in life." Glen Murdoch.


My Home Blessing Hour, for now, is "just" as FlyLady suggests it on her website: going through the main areas of the house and doing just the main things. On her list are: Vacuum (only middle of carpets), dust, mop (dito), polish mirrors and doors, purge magazines, change sheets, empty all trash. Run a timer of 10min for each item on the list, go as fast as possible, do just the major living areas. Last time I actually went with 15min timer and I did get all but one of the doors done, and the big hallway mirror too, in just those 15min.
Overall I have a lot of clutter still, so getting started with vacuuming, when I'd have to pick up schtuff first, kinda defeats the main idea... I want to grow more of an awareness for myself, my energy, my habitat throughout this, and incorporatemore of my shamanic and witchy roots doing this weekly ritual, but I didn't even realize it was a want for me until you pointed it out, thanks Thom.
At the moment I am focussing on the decluttering of things, progress is slow, but I am getting there. Every bit helps.

Really liking the quote. Thanks for that too.


___

Today was difficult as expected, but I took care of myself and am well. I might not get to bed too early tonight, but that too is a good thing.

Hubby picked up 3 (2?) cars full of boxes and bags, yet the dining table is still piled high. But it was as much as he, and his thigh muscles, could do with the energy he had, so I will not fault him for it. We had a few short but difficult conversations on the side. And I am ok.

Tonight the kid and I made hawaii toast for dinner and chocolate fudge with salted honey-almonds, not for dinner [emoji6].

I cleaned off and scrubbed one windowsill and collected in one box all the knick knacks that give me joy. There is a few items, hugely dusty and/or big, that need to be evaluated, then most of what is left on my under-screen cupboard is done.

Now I wish I had taken a before picture.

Tonight some sims 4 with the puffermore mod and some star trek voyager for relaxation. The kid is playing with legos, actually building things and telling stories to himself. It's nice.

I found one of the cheaper picture frames, that I had bought ages ago to make collages of entry passes and stuff we did over time... and I have started putting aside the mementos that run through my hands, so I can in due time make use of those things.

So far from me for today. Life is turbulent, but I am okay.

send from my new phone, bear with me.

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Katrin the Morag Lvl 22 Cadet, half klingon, c-licensed trainer, mother of two, gaming nerd

 

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Cool, I like that house blessing. I am glad to have helped.


Burn some beautiful incense, play some meditative/medieval/pagany type music (Wardruna, Sequentia maybe) and ask the house ghost and ancestors to help and protect your home and family and you have a strong spiritual ritual. Maybe add some thoughts of cleaning out the negative energies from your home as you clean the physical space. Fill the cleaned area with positive healing energies as well.

You know the drill on that stuff, and works for you.

Hmm, be good for me to adapt/adopt that as well.

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Saturday morning check in.

 

Thursday with hubby here was harsh. It seems we are better off apart. Or at least that's where we're at. I didn't do much lifting or carrying, but I distracted my 81 yo father in law from running up and down the stairs, and I helped pack into bags a few loads.

It still sucked my batteries completely dry.

Friday I had plans to visit my soon-to-be place of work for their summer party. It was drizzly and miserable outside. And after being curled up crying in bed in the morning, then spending most of the day fighting latently feeling ill to my stomach, I had to realize skipping my plans was the kind thing to do. So I grabbed the kid, we put rain jackets on, and took a winding walk through city streets and finally the park to hit up a fortress and get all the daily missions done in HPWU, then swing by the ATM get all the rest of the budget for our vacation out of there and walk home with time to spare for one of my two best friends coming by with her puppy for some company in the evening.

 

I even saw a drift wood like hat rack in the window of a shop, and took a flyer with their number with me, since they were closed.

 

The kid played and played, no electronics needed, and it was all nice. Soothing.

 

We then cooperated on decluttering then vacuuming the livingroom floor, so the puppy visit was less stressful for all involved.

 

 

Things are starting to get there. I have only one, maybe two, loads of laundry left again. I have an empty carpet in the .... maybe I'll just show you?

Bear in mind: it's not done yet.

But it IS getting there. It takes a while but it is.

 

BEFORE Bedroom window side:

69f06a0f81fa876080e2e5d6532deed9.jpg

 

AFTER Bedroom window side:

11be4d401bc7b21b164c3ada9a36ab55.jpg

 

Beyond the foot of the bed not entirely done but good for now:

6dfa783cbe6afc1a6ea7942c1617fde6.jpg

 

BEFORE Livingroom of hell including hubby is packing stuff up:

0b1290fd4663f4ae2d9fc252596044f7.jpg

 

AFTER Livingroom getting there, surfaces need lovin' but I haz floor:

a2d2133337448454905cb83ea6412695.jpg

 

So far the progress. Most noteworthy change over the last... WHILE: I don't automatically run myself ragged and burn myself out trying to do too much with no visible progress. I sometimes have the tendency, but when I do I notice it.

 

Second or third rainy day in a row. Fingers crossed for camping time.

T-4d0h30min to departure

 

send from my new phone, bear with me.

 

 

 

 

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Katrin the Morag Lvl 22 Cadet, half klingon, c-licensed trainer, mother of two, gaming nerd

 

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Looks like someone else put self care first.

 

You are doing very well.

 

Sorry that being around hubby created angst. It is a feeling I know well.

 

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15 hours ago, Morag said:

Buying things is expensive. Shopping is TIRING. Shops are full of people. Ugh... hate people..

Online shopping can address those issues. But you can't try on things online. Most online shops let you change stuff to different size after you get them, but it takes time to send stuff back and forth. 

 

So you basically trade peace for time. Just decide what is more important at the moment.

 

Great job at decluttering! Seeing your progress I start to think about my shelves need cleaning too... You inspire me :D

 

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I absolutely CAN run on caffeine and hatred. But only with a dash of milk.

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Bike build

Left hand Out-of-Order till x-mas until further notice. But I'm happily splint-free already and working on getting the mobility back.

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Thanks guys for keeping me in your thoughts. Welcome to my corner, Xena, yeah life is a craycray rollercoaster.

Yesterday the kid and I had to adjust our plans, but we took our bikes and we bought all the schtuff we think we need fir camping. I bought a gas stove thingy that I think will NOT pour cooking water over me when the surface is wobbly, plus gas cartriges, two battery operated lanterns, and a number of terracotta planting pots to build both a water evaporation fridge and a tea candle heater, the latter needs assembling that I need to prep here, cutting the threaded(?) rod to size and drill a hole in the base thing... not sure if I have the tools for that, maybe I'll take a look later today.

Today on the agenda:

* eat more out of the fridge (fewer science experiments to take with us or find when we return)
* All caps SELF-CARE and therefore
* Do-what-I-wanna-do which at the moment sounds like playing Sims4 puffermore mod and going for a lazy walk in the afternoon (hit a fortress, therefore finish daily wizards unite missions) and soak up some green views (drizzle be damned!).

That's my thoughts for today, may try on bathing wear, may start packing clothes and such, may not though.

I am getting to a point that the evening list doesn't cost willpower to do. Last night I was positively knackered yet I walked around and started dishwasher, noted 5 good things in my journal, shone my sink, took the clothes off the line (which is out on the balcony off of the kitchen), and folded them. When I put them into my closet, I picked up my clothes for today, when I put those into the bathroom for today, I started a new load of laundry on a timer, brushed my teeth and hair, braided the later for the night and switched into my PJs. I have one load of coloured laundry, one load of towels, and half a load of whites left. Which means I have nearly no laundry left to do. Empty laundry baskets. How cool is that?

I watched two episodes of voyager in bed, and slept early. The kid slept in his bed.
And now we are up and moving. Let's see what happens.

Hugs for you!


send from my new phone, bear with me.

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Katrin the Morag Lvl 22 Cadet, half klingon, c-licensed trainer, mother of two, gaming nerd

 

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Monday dreaded Monday.

Today I have appointments. Or more accurately: I have ome big and scary thing at 9a.m. to which I will have to take the kid along, which is always super awesome, isn't it?
But I have a pile(!) of major calls to make. I haven't even sorted in what order I will make them. And the kid is really "play with me" because yesterday I was very selfish about playing sims. I know self care is important. I'm not saying I shouldn't have indulged in my current poison of choice, but as a result of it the kid is BORED. Bored is good for him, he gets really good ideas for play when he's bored, but it is uncomfortable and therefore not fun. For either of us.

Fridge lost weigh
Walk happened, I even prioritized it and told hubby tò give me time to go and make that happen, before he popped by to pick up stuff. He didn't pick up much, just his credit card, but he is exhausting to be around right now. Calling a friend when in tears, and said friend not losing it, that's nice. And after a quick talk and a moment I was okay again.
Twisting and turning the truth and overstating things seems to be a favourite past-time of his.
He was very surprised to realize that I have not thought of him wanting to play pc games with me.
He bought a new rig for himself, which had two components for which he got free games for. One of which he installed on his old rig, and we played a round of world war z before he signed off for early shift bed-time. It's very Left4Dead2-esk (=fun). But it's weird, playing with him.

Things I categorize under relationship, he doesn't.
Being sexually attracted/horny for each other, desire to kiss, desire to game together... no, gaming doesn't necessitate relationship feelings, but it is so fucking weird!
Anyway I am a mess, and I am UTTERLY thankful for a long weekend away. Where he can't pop by with only quick question on whatsapp.
I am headed out for my appointment in an hour and a bit, gotta do the morning thing and yes, wake the kid. I hope for a nice comfy afternoon today.

900 appointment
1030 hopefully home again, start sorting calls and execute them
1200 be done with calls and enjoy things like elder kid coming home, afternoon laze, sort out packing logistics (which bags and what to pack) make the kids think about packing. Pack with them. Or at least start.
1600 Off Time. No more productiveness.

Loose plan.

I am still no closer to knowing what and how I feel about hubby and him leaving. At one point I was glad, at another I cried, I was angry, I was desolate. I was a lot of things, yet I have no idea how I feel. And I am tired.
The other day I was proud of myself and how good I am handling things and sorting my shit out and all that, and the impulse was to tell him, show him. I have been together with him since I was 17. He has been my go-to person to share my victories with for more than half of my life.
And I just don't know yet. [emoji22]


Anyway. Vacation time headed my way. Overdue. Never gone anywhere with the kids before. This is a first for all of us. It'll be good. I hope.

Thanks for sticking around through the rollercoaster that is my thread. I love you guys!

Departure T-2d6h15min-ish

send from my new phone, bear with me.

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Katrin the Morag Lvl 22 Cadet, half klingon, c-licensed trainer, mother of two, gaming nerd

 

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3 hours ago, Morag said:

Vacation time [...]  It'll be good. I hope.

The best way to prepare is not to expect. If you just go with the flow, you won't be disappointed. Of course, general preparation is a must (especially with kids), but don't plan in detail. If something is fun, do it. If something turns out not fun, just leave it for something else. In other words: don't force yourself or kids to have fun because you planned it. Forced fun is no fun. 

 

And check possible local in-door activities (fun parks, museums etc) to have emergency list of things to do in case of bad weather. 

 

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I absolutely CAN run on caffeine and hatred. But only with a dash of milk.

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Bike build

Left hand Out-of-Order till x-mas until further notice. But I'm happily splint-free already and working on getting the mobility back.

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And check possible local in-door activities (fun parks, museums etc) to have emergency list of things to do in case of bad weather. 


Fun fact: I will have no car at the campsite, since I don't own a car, thus going anywhere as a contingency... kinda out.
There's a few entertainment things for the kids on site, but not as much as you would think. But we'll pack out wet-weather-gear, plus creative and gamey things for within the tent, and if it's rainy the kids can learn that they are not made from sugar. It's not the end of the world to be outdoors when the heavens water the plants. And if it is a total rainy thing... it's just 4 nights. It's not like it's high stakes.

If we decide to call it off, my mum is 2h away to pick us up. It's not so bad.
Today there is sunlight and clouds, a few gusts, dry thus far.

I did the appointment, was way less stressful than I expected. It's a coaching thing that has get me a job as a goal. Since I haven't signed anything yet, that's a thing I gotta do. But they also have very helpful modules, courses to take. If I have to do it all, it'll be hella educational.
Went shopping for groceries on the way back. Am now home, will sit down with the phone now.

send from my new phone, bear with me.

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Katrin the Morag Lvl 22 Cadet, half klingon, c-licensed trainer, mother of two, gaming nerd

 

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Emotional rollercoaster over hubby, I understand. Even a year on I have some days like this. Just let all the emotions flow. Dont hold them in, they will only cause other issues if you do.

It will be hard some days and easier others, just go with the flow of your emotions. I remember walking around the local shopping with tears rolling down my face. My heart felt shattered and my mind numb. I didnt care about what others thought, I had just lost my family, if they couldn't deal with my grief then the could take a long walk off a short pier.

Love and hugs, have fun camping.

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Emotional rollercoaster over hubby, I understand.
(...)
My heart felt shattered and my mind numb. I didnt care about what others thought, I had just lost my family, if they couldn't deal with my grief then they could take a long walk off a short pier.

Love and hugs, have fun camping.


Exactly! And the betrayel of that one person I thought would have my flank through all of my life, who knew how much my parent's divorce and all their dirty laundry and scheming against oneanother hurt me. And who work his way into my trust regardless and who ditched me. Having impulses and all, that I think mean love, but deciding that he doesn't love me... after he promised, and I know how childish and immature it sounds, but feelings aren't rational: he promised he would love me forever, and he went back on his word.
And I have this pile of feelings, and sometimes I think I Will be better off without him, and then like when was it morning being proud of all the things I got done, and realizing telling him about it, that's kinda mostly off the table.

Thanks for your words, Thom, they help a great deal.

Camping. Boahhh
I called the electricity company, home phone/internet, alimony-state-support-office and state support, the first two to get the things updated to my bank account, the later to update what hubby paid in alimonies and cancel state-supported-alimony, which would have paid part if hubby hadn't paid what he did. It's german beaurocracy, it's convoluted, but it's a social system that is actually pretty awesome.

Anyway, did a huge deal of work, not sure what I can do more...

I'll check the electricity counter in the basement real quick, then I'll see my fridge about lunch, then my inlaws bring the elder kid, and I will have window of opportunity to saw the threaded rod to size and drill a while in the base thing for the tent heater... I may be missing an essential part... or I'll leave the threaded rod long, and use it as a push into the ground kind of setup... not entirely sure.

So far a decent enough day. Cried a bit, but felt cathartic, got heaps done. Next up afternoon&evening of relaxation with both my boys and maybe my sister in law for a bit... we'll see.

send from my new phone, bear with me.

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Katrin the Morag Lvl 22 Cadet, half klingon, c-licensed trainer, mother of two, gaming nerd

 

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I am happy my words helped you. You are welcome.

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So I was pretty much mostly squished yesterday. I went to bed really frikkin late, almost midnight. I had a long phone talk with an estranged friend trying to catch up with me and what the heck has been going on in my life. That took a while to tell, and going through it all was really frikkin painful, but I feel better about not hiding, and not keeping them at a distance. So it was worth it. Then I rewatched the first 4 episodes (1st disc) of Dresden files and by that time it was rather late. Plus I was too emotionally wrung to get the kid to bed, so he was up till midnight too, then curled up at my side for cuddles, so not an optimal show of parental skills. Cuddles did us both some good though.

 

I also realized that for my own well-being I need to establish some more borders around here, because being an utterly emotional basket case everytime hubby has been here the day before: kinda possibly unhealthy.

 

It's almost 9 a.m. now, I woke about two hours ago, with a jolt of "I need to pack this that and gah" and a clear picture of how I will pack at least the cooking surplies. It's a lot to sort out, the elder kid has been back only one day and he is already pretty unhappy with being here. That's the problem with grandma not giving a fuck about rules. Ugh. I am thankful for the times they take the kid(s) off my hands, and I am aware HOW MUCH of a difference it made over the years, but arguing about phones/sceen time and teeth brushing and bedtime for days after either of them were at grandma's is exhausting.

May have to work up the courage to talk with her about the ground rules again sometime. But for now the kids are back here and I am glad.

 

Today: buy meat and bread (and anything missing) pan-fry, then pack and freeze, minced meat for chili.

Making a packing plan with the spawn during breakfast.

Sort and pack ALL THE THINGS, and while we're at it: decide what to take and what is unnecessary...

finish assembling emergency heater,

find if we can empty out the fridge some more

Watch the movie the kid wanted to watch

Try the pump for blowing up the air-mattress

Wash and hang the towels, of which some will be packed.

Get the beach towels out of the high cupboard

Empty all the garbage baskets

 

Tomorrow: 10:15-11:05 therapy

(...?)

12:00 Meet up with both our drivers (@Casbin graciously agreed to be our second driver so I don't habe to fit both kids all the tent & furniture things, clothes, cooking stuff into my mum's tiny car, but have the option to take a few more non-essentials and be a bit less perfect about packing conscientiously... Thanks!!! Sooo!!! Much!!!, Cas!!!) Did I show you the trial run pic of the tent in my inlaws garden?

13:00 Be done with packing - departure

14:30 arrival at campsite

 

Tent during trial run, missing the ropes and ground hooks to propperly set it up, improvised some with my father in law, but it should be all sorted now: 95686552f65746615894b4e030161f18.jpg

 

No more scheduled plans

 

 

Sunday: wake up

Shower get dressed, eat something

Break Camp, be off the lawn, packed in the cars by 11:45

 

Enjoy a day at the beach and campsite restaurant, or the indoor wave pool if the weather sucks with my drivers, drive home arriving before dark, bring all the stuff back into the flat. Start one load of laundry. Sleep.

 

 

Then one more week of "light load" before I have job coaching and trial work day and kid back in daycare (for which I'll have to pack breakfast and lunch, since mensa is still out during remainder of summer break).

 

 

I actually plan on enjoying the hell out of the camping time. Might even travel journal with the kids.

This anticipation is awesome. Glad we're doing this.

 

 

 

send from my phone, bear with me.

 

 

 

 

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Katrin the Morag Lvl 22 Cadet, half klingon, c-licensed trainer, mother of two, gaming nerd

 

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1am, almost. Or it will be when I post this. I need to rest. Sleep.

I am running on an empty gas tank like there's no tomorrow.

 

I WANT to be able to enjoy my first vacation with the kids ever! I can't use being utterly burned out.

 

Hubby asked to go to the movie theatre with the elder kid this afternoon, and after initial-people-pleaser agreement, I went and told them both no. So much to do, leaving for vacation in the morning, not the time.

Of course there were way more tears involved from my end, plus feeling inadequate and other negative feels about feeling guilty for telling someone no.

 

After almost getting everything packed, and finally starting to get a feeling of yay we are doing this, hubby forwarded an email from the house people who do all the legal stuff and the finances and the day-to-day of the rental business of our apartment (amoung many others) apparently the two of us have to quit our lease, and I will have to negotiate for a new one alone. Meaning possibly different rent, possibly other conditions, possibly losing my home afterall. So the last 6h I have been hiding from that feeling of existential dread in activity and busy-ness, calling a friend, reading kindle samples of ebooks and not actually getting much done, and also not sleeping.

 

Friend will check about legal guidance, is this actually how it works? Can they do that, what are the consequences, what are actual possible scenarios of how it might play out?

 

And mostly scared. I am thinking utterly un-tame, un-sanctioned by sociatal biases thoughts. And I don't know what I'll do if I lose my home like this amd have to move in with my mother.

 

send from my phone, bear with me.

 

 

PS I am physically cold. Very cold.

 

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Katrin the Morag Lvl 22 Cadet, half klingon, c-licensed trainer, mother of two, gaming nerd

 

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Hugs, focus on the camping for now. The other stuff will sort itself out.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

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"That which is wise and holy helps the health and wholeness of the chain of generations." D. R. Miller. 

"We do not rise to our expectations. We fall to our level of training." Archilochus

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9 hours ago, Morag said:

So the last 6h I have been hiding from that feeling of existential dread in activity and busy-ness

I'm trying this tactic to overcome my fear of kidney disease (my test results are off the norm, but I have no other symptoms - so more tests ahead). Not very successfully to be honest. 

But as all say above - NOW is vacation time. Other things will have their time LATER. 

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I absolutely CAN run on caffeine and hatred. But only with a dash of milk.

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Bike build

Left hand Out-of-Order till x-mas until further notice. But I'm happily splint-free already and working on getting the mobility back.

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I am so so sorry that you are going through this Morag. Focus right now on enjoying your vacation with your lovely boys. If nothing else, you need to recover that strength to deal with everything else. I also want to say that, reading through the last 3 pages, all I see is one incredibly strong person. You are amazing, you are doing amazing, and you will come out the other side of this. *hugs*

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Thanks guys. You are a well of support I am undescribably thankful for.

 

Camping was lazier than I thought it would be.

I thought the kids would bore easier and need more entertaining. I had walks planned, in various directions. Exploration... They didn't.

 

BigBoy kept reading his fan-fictions spend all the time, I didn't demand he sit outside, in the tent on his air mattress reading. LittleBoy found a playmate early in the first 24h and they have been inseparable since then. Rarely seen apart, except when the swings and rotational forces on the playground equipment upset his stomach and he had to curl up on my lap until he didn't feel like throwing up anymore.

They played life-size chess, there was entertain-y things offered from the camp too, plus the one morning/afternoon we spend on the beach... not so slow roasting.

I am rested, sad that I have to "leave home and go back into the city" but I learned a lot about camping, and I got some rest. It was good.

Here the highlights:

 

10/10 will DEFINITELY do again!

 

934dc83c26de74acce74e9e74fa20ccf.jpg91595bda32f7b8fc44c88e9b965b4035.jpg260b599969c32fb232b31d57101014bc.jpg0a7ea1c5f3392e1e69ad12a39e390a2a.jpg382823f804eee2fae2a206ab0296d099.jpgd4833200bd8f53f847a923b0d7321db9.jpg36ffd2f71225bf1208d4862a2d112e57.jpgb6245bb30a2c85f2264e77af43e5a122.jpgddce848f3c98ee089e33072c9eadc789.jpg

 

send from my phone, bear with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Katrin the Morag Lvl 22 Cadet, half klingon, c-licensed trainer, mother of two, gaming nerd

 

Current Challenge

 

Road map to Level 50

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I am so glad to hear you enjoyed yourselves.

Ah the camping hangover, when you return to the normal world, and wish you had not. I havent felt that in years. It is when you know everything went right with the camping trip.

Sent from my CPH1725 using Tapatalk

  • Like 2

Where to find me: Current Challenge : Battle Log Facebook : Instagram :

"Each day, just focus on getting 1% better in whatever it is you're trying to improve. That's it. Just 1%." ArtofManliness Article.

"That which is wise and holy helps the health and wholeness of the chain of generations." D. R. Miller. 

"We do not rise to our expectations. We fall to our level of training." Archilochus

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