Integration: The Protector Rises

[Salinger]

Hey Sky, your paragraph about your body is amazing. I wish i could try and feel that way about my own. I hope it helps you to nourish yourself more, you are deserving of that <3 xx 

[Elastigirl]

Cool idea to look for someone with your bodytype to inspire you. I find it rather amusing that you desire to be elfin and birdlike, and that is more my natural bodytype and I wish I could look more muscular, and used to hate my thin wrists (I don't now because they look strong) I guess I need to be thankful for the body God gave me.

 

Food and tracking, I will often do that. Just pick a food that sounds close and approximate it. If I am trying to lose weight, then I track for a few weeks and if I don't lose weight then drop the number of calories I am aiming for. In maintaining, it  usually just comes about right, sometimes a bit too much, sometimes less,

[Moros]

12 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

So my thought is, I need to go back to the beginning again, and remind myself that my body is not bad, it is not ugly, it is not "fat", it is not something to be shrunk and pinched and deprived. It is something to be nurtured, nourished, stretched, supported, strengthened, protected, and cared for. It is part of me, and a very important part; and I need and want to see it for its own beauty and strength, and not compare it to other people's and not give it the nourishment that it needs.

 

 

1. This is a beautiful statement.

2. It might be really great to print that out in large letters, and put it somewhere in your home where you can see it every day.

 

[SkyGirl]

22 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hey Sky, your paragraph about your body is amazing. I wish i could try and feel that way about my own. I hope it helps you to nourish yourself more, you are deserving of that <3 xx 

 

22 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Cool idea to look for someone with your bodytype to inspire you. I find it rather amusing that you desire to be elfin and birdlike, and that is more my natural bodytype and I wish I could look more muscular, and used to hate my thin wrists (I don't now because they look strong) I guess I need to be thankful for the body God gave me.

 

9 hours ago, Moros said:

1. This is a beautiful statement.

 

Thanks guys! This focus on looks over strength / health was something that I dealt with early in my fitness journey, and I thought I had grown away from that, but old ways of thinking can be sneaky, it seems.    I really do want to be strong more than I want to be thin - I just need to remind myself of that sometimes!   

 

9 hours ago, Moros said:

2. It might be really great to print that out in large letters, and put it somewhere in your home where you can see it every day.

 

That is a wonderful idea!!   

[SkyGirl]

Sky, did you track your food today?: I haven't finished doing it yet for the day but I will before bed, I promise!!

 

----------

 

Speaking of bed, do you know that I've been getting to bed almost on time the last few nights I have intentionally *not* mentioned going to bed early??    I know that's a correlation and not a causation BUT IT'S STILL SUSPICIOUS. 

 

When I was making my workout videos goal, though, I totally forgot that I had a holiday and a trip home right in the middle of Weeks 1 and 2, so it is unlikely I will get those in until Week 3.    But, I've been getting lots of walking in (10,000+ steps on two of the past four days!), and tomorrow we're hitting DC for the whooooooole day, so I'll resume that goal when I get back.   

 

Today was a good day - work was not productive at all because I got caught up way early for the holiday, so I kind of ... sat?? a lot?? ... which made me feel terribly guilty and unhappy. But, I made a little progress on a couple of things, and it's okay. This evening Amethyst and I had dinner in the city at a Texas-style barbecue, which was delicious and surprisingly inexpensive; and this evening I'm trying to get as much packing done as I can, because we both fly back to Indiana on Friday.    Looking back, I'm not sure why I tried to cram all this stuff so close together, but it is what it is, and I'm very excited for Sunday, when all the hoopla will be done and I can just rest with my family for a few days.

 

I may be a little scarce while I'm home, but I'll check in as much as I can, especially to report on whether I track my food.    I'm expecting Mom to stuff me full of carbs and meat, so my calorie totals will probably be off the rails, but I think that's probably good for me right now!

 

I also finally had another idea for a Sky story segment today, so hopefully I can write that soon too!!

 

Goodnight dear friends!

 

 

[TheGreyJedi-Ranger]

On 7/3/2019 at 11:04 PM, SkyGirl said:

 

Thanks guys! This focus on looks over strength / health was something that I dealt with early in my fitness journey, and I thought I had grown away from that, but old ways of thinking can be sneaky, it seems.    I really do want to be strong more than I want to be thin - I just need to remind myself of that sometimes!   

 

 

Hoo boy this is such a mood. I worked with my therapist for months on things but when whatever portion of life is bothering me gets bad, it gets SO HARD to do anything but fall back into old behavior patterns.

[Rhovaniel]

Following along again, Sky. Also, woah.. Guild Leader now?? Man, I've missed so much. Please accept my probably extremely belated CONGRATULATIONS!! 

[SkyGirl]

On 7/9/2019 at 10:24 PM, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

Hoo boy this is such a mood. I worked with my therapist for months on things but when whatever portion of life is bothering me gets bad, it gets SO HARD to do anything but fall back into old behavior patterns.

 

It's so true! In my case, I know it's because I had the unhealthy thought patterns for much longer than I've had healthier ones, so it makes sense that they're a little more hardwired in.    We can always try to make the next good choice and stop the patterns in their tracks!!

 

On 7/10/2019 at 8:03 AM, Rhovaniel said:

Following along again, Sky. Also, woah.. Guild Leader now?? Man, I've missed so much. Please accept my probably extremely belated CONGRATULATIONS!! 

 

Not belated at all!! And I am always glad you're here!!       

[SkyGirl]

 

HI GUYS!!!!! I had the most amazing trip home EVAH and I feel so happy and loved and utterly exhausted and it was marvelous. But I missed you guys!! I spent every possible minute with IRL friends and family and didn't open a computer once, except to do some remote work on Tuesday. That was a good decision, but I still missed you.   

 

Sky, did you track your food today?: Today I am back to tracking, but I intentionally did not track my food while I was at home. For one thing, I just didn't want to be bothered with the fiddly details of parsing out ingredients and such. But for another, I really wanted to enjoy eating and talking and having fun with my family, without worrying about my weight or calories. It was a good decision. 

 

That said, today I'm back to tracking, and I also went back to review my other goals as well. I haven't cooked this week because I was home, and tonight I ordered dinner out because Lily had a huge personal success today and I wanted to celebrate with her (and restaurant food is her favorite thing in the world). I will cook tomorrow.    

 

I had a bit of a crisis this evening because I knew I needed to exercise, but my inner perfectionist freaked out because it was thinking about how I used to be able to row 15 minutes without stopping and crank out dozens of reps on the weight machines and so on and so forth, and only having the energy to do a 20-minute yoga video seemed wimpy and lame. Still, I did it, and it felt good, as always. I figured that sitting on my duff wasn't going to fix my feeling wimpy and lame, but doing even a short yoga video would move me slightly away from that direction.    

 

I'm finishing WarGames and answering one more Facebook message, and then headed for bed - I'm still recovering from my trip, and I am trying to stock up on sleep because I accidentally volunteered for an event this weekend that will force me to get up early on Saturday instead of sleep in, like I have been excitedly planning to do.    Oh well, it's good experience and I will survive.   

 

I'm glad to be back!! That was a lot of days to be gone!  <3

[Salinger]

Hey Sky, really glad you had such a lovely time   You sound good and that makes me smile xx

[SkyGirl]

18 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hey Sky, really glad you had such a lovely time   You sound good and that makes me smile xx

 

Thanks Sal! I am good - a bit busy and tired, but very good!   

[SkyGirl]

Wow, man, I sat down to write a post and had THOUGHTS about so many things that are way too complicated to post here - I went to bed much too late last night (1:30AM) despite being very tired, and so I was quite exhausted when I woke up and it was a very hot and humid day, so all day I have felt as weak as if I could barely walk. It's nearly shark week and I am so bloated that my pants barely fit, and I'm sure the pre-sharkness feelings are partly why things seem so Serious and Important today.   

 

But. Anyway. Today was a good day. I got caught up on some things at work in preparation for an immensely busy week next week - in addition to teaching Vacation Bible School at church (which is still terrifying to me and I am grossly underprepared), I am also working three very long days at a remote event for work that will be outside in the blazing sun for up to 10 hours a day. I'm truthfully not certain I'm going to be able to do both VBS and the work event, and I'm feeling some guilt and uncertainty about that - I'm not sure whether I should tell work that I can only work 8 hours because I have to get home for an evening commitment, or if I should tell church I can't do VBS because I might be stuck at work. I honestly think it might be too late for the second option - I'm not sure they could find someone else in time. I'm going to do my best to prepare for both and let both parties know I'm being pulled in two directions, and trust that things will work out. 

 

I also had a good (albeit funny) moment today where I shared some thoughts in a debrief meeting, and it hit me for a second that I am a Real Adult Who is Qualified to Do Her Job and Discuss It Confidently™; and that was inordinately exciting.    I still doubt that pretty regularly. 

 

I had planned to go grocery shopping and do some laundry this evening, but since I have to work at a separate work event tomorrow morning, I decided to rest and take it easy tonight. I'll do those things tomorrow afternoon - I think we have enough toilet paper to last until then.    Oh, and I am embarrassed by what I ate today, so I'll skirt around that for now, but one of my church friends gifted me a free week of Blue Apron food deliveries for next week, so I'll be eating better that week.   

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

11 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

But. Anyway. Today was a good day. I got caught up on some things at work in preparation for an immensely busy week next week - in addition to teaching Vacation Bible School at church (which is still terrifying to me and I am grossly underprepared), I am also working three very long days at a remote event for work that will be outside in the blazing sun for up to 10 hours a day. I'm truthfully not certain I'm going to be able to do both VBS and the work event, and I'm feeling some guilt and uncertainty about that - I'm not sure whether I should tell work that I can only work 8 hours because I have to get home for an evening commitment, or if I should tell church I can't do VBS because I might be stuck at work. I honestly think it might be too late for the second option - I'm not sure they could find someone else in time. I'm going to do my best to prepare for both and let both parties know I'm being pulled in two directions, and trust that things will work out. 

Saying no to either commitment (only at hours at work or not doing VBS) is perfectly acceptable, and either one would be fine. If I may suggest, the only option that I do not recommend is to try and do both. 

 

Edit: I just looked up your stress point on the Enneagram, which is a 2. For those not familiar, there are 9 enneagram types, and they also have security points (when you take on the healthy aspects of another number when you are healthy) and stress points (when you take on the unhealthy aspects of a different number when you are unhealthy). I suspect trying to do both options is a sign you might be operating out of your stress point.

[SkyGirl]

14 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Saying no to either commitment (only at hours at work or not doing VBS) is perfectly acceptable, and either one would be fine. If I may suggest, the only option that I do not recommend is to try and do both. 

 

Edit: I just looked up your stress point on the Enneagram, which is a 2. For those not familiar, there are 9 enneagram types, and they also have security points (when you take on the healthy aspects of another number when you are healthy) and stress points (when you take on the unhealthy aspects of a different number when you are unhealthy). I suspect trying to do both options is a sign you might be operating out of your stress point.

 

Yep, I know and loathe have a complicated and vaguely negative relationship with my 2 self, and this is definitely her. I can't quite bring myself to say "no" altogether to either option; but since the thought of teaching children was terrifying me so badly anyway, I emailed the ladies in charge of VBS and asked if they could move me to a less important job that won't throw everything off if I show up late on those days. They wrote back and asked if we could talk about it after church tomorrow, but I am taking a self-care day tomorrow because I am completely exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So I promised I would either talk to them on the phone or that they could come by my house in the afternoon if they liked. 

 

 

 

Today was tiring but good - I got to bed late last night because my neighbor apparently had a gas leak in their apartment, but they wouldn't answer the door when the maintenance guys showed up to try to find and fix it; so I stayed up listening while they knocked, used the loudly beeping detector, went up and down the stairs, knocked, and so on until nearly 1AM. I don't know how they fixed the leak, but it involved loud drilling / screwing something, and it went away just after midnight. 

 

I worked for 6 hours at a work event this morning, which went well; then despite being tired and having bad cramps this afternoon, I vacuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom, and went to the grocery store. I needed rest, but I did it on purpose so I could stay home all day tomorrow and not have to get out if I don't want to.

 

 

Tomorrow I am doing a rare thing and skipping church so I can stay home all day and rest. I'm planning to sleep in, then have some coffee and do some quiet Bible study first thing when I get up, and possibly go for a walk in the afternoon, if the weather is nice. If it isn't, I'm going to stay inside and do some crochet and avoid screens. I'm really excited about tomorrow.    I also need to do some prep for the week ahead, but I'm putting that off until later in the afternoon.

 

 

 

Time for sleeps!!

[SkyGirl]

15 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Enneagram

 

Also, I found a great description that synthesizes the traits of my main 4 type and my 3 wing this evening:  https://www.crystalknows.com/enneagram/type-4-wing-3 

[Salinger]

Hope you get some good rest Sky, and enjoy your relaxing day on Sunday!!!! xx

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Good for you. You advocated for yourself and asked for something more doable, that is very good. You also said no to meeting after church and offered them some alternatives, that is also very good. You say you have a hard time saying no, and I believe you. I also want to point out what you did say on your behalf is from the same skillset as outright saying no, so you are growing into this and have obviously made progress. Someone very unhealthy wouldn't have said anything at all and driven themselves to a breakdown.

[Salinger]

Hope you enjoyed your Sunday Sky xx

[SkyGirl]

On 7/14/2019 at 9:50 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Good for you. You advocated for yourself and asked for something more doable, that is very good. You also said no to meeting after church and offered them some alternatives, that is also very good. You say you have a hard time saying no, and I believe you. I also want to point out what you did say on your behalf is from the same skillset as outright saying no, so you are growing into this and have obviously made progress. Someone very unhealthy wouldn't have said anything at all and driven themselves to a breakdown.

 

Thanks, Tank, I appreciate that.    I was a little unsure in these decisions at first, but they both turned out to be just the thing I needed to do. And you're right, maybe I'm making progress on the "soft no". I'd be quite content to master that for now, and get to the "hard no" down the road.

 

21 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hope you enjoyed your Sunday Sky xx

 

I actually did, despite circumstances attempting to work against me to that end, as I shall detail in my next post ...   

[SkyGirl]

So after planning on Saturday to take Sunday as a rest day, I woke up Sunday with a splitting headache that made my entire head and neck hurt; so I went back to sleep until almost noon, woke up with nearly as intense a headache as before, and crept downstairs to take medicine and sit as still as possible for most of the day.    No church, very little online activity, the only real movement I did was to walk slowly and dizzily over to the pizzeria around the corner and carry home the pizzas and breadsticks that I ordered instead of cooking, because I just wasn't up to that.

 

But you know? It was okay. The medicine tamed the pain enough that I could sit quietly and do some origami and enjoy watching and thinking about a quiet sermon. I was home alone most of the day, so I opened the windows for a little while and enjoyed the fresh (though swampy and hot) air and neighborhood sounds. And Lily was home by dinner, so we enjoyed the pizza and watched The Phantom of the Opera together in quiet. It was still the peaceful, nourishing rest day that I badly needed.

 

Today was good too - I felt much better this morning, and since I worked this weekend, I got permission to come home early to get ready for VBS. And speaking of VBS, it was amazing. I was so nervous leading up to it - I was terrified that the kids wouldn't connect with me or like me, that I wouldn't be able to do any good, and so on and so forth; but as soon as I plopped down on the carpet and started chatting with all those busy, excited little children, I felt right at home. They liked me and I liked them and it was so much better than I thought it would be.    One little girl was asking very deep questions, and another was trying to explain some things that bothered her, but I didn't get to finish either of those conversations, so I hope I can talk with them more tomorrow. Every one of them was sweet and happy and funny and eager to learn and participate, from the very tiny ones to the older, serious ones. It felt so good to be there and I'm excited to go back tomorrow!

 

I also heard today that there's a very real possibility that my three intense off-site work days will be up to 10 or 12 hours a day, mostly in the 90-degree swamp heat; but while I'm cognizant of the need to protect myself from sunburn and heat exhaustion, since I know I'm prone to both, I'm also so excited to be part of this event, especially as a member of the TV crew.    My job will not be at all glamorous, but I don't care because I'm still a member of the TV crew, and that's glamorous in itself.   

 

It's very late and I'm going to be very tired tomorrow ... I also didn't eat any real vegetables to speak of today, unless you count a couple tablespoons of salsa. I'm realizing that I've been collecting underpants for way too long and it's past time to start just doing it and treating myself right for a change. I can do this, I just need to ... do it.

 

 

 

Shutting this laptop and going to bed now.    G'night!!

[MattSkywalker]

Wow, you're rocking, @SkyGirl! Also joining the belated congrats on being a Guild Leader! And yeah, totally dig your sleeping goal (battling the same habit this 4WC). You started great and I'm sure you're gonna nail it!

[SkyGirl]

19 hours ago, MattSkywalker said:

Wow, you're rocking, @SkyGirl! Also joining the belated congrats on being a Guild Leader! And yeah, totally dig your sleeping goal (battling the same habit this 4WC). You started great and I'm sure you're gonna nail it!

 

Thanks Matt!! It's good to see you back!    I know, I don't know why sleep is so evasive when we literally need it to survive?? I hope your sleep goals are going well so far!

[SkyGirl]

Sky, did you track your food? Yes I did!!   

 

Hey guys!! Today was the first day of my big work event and it essentially consisted of me and my team standing around in the 96-degree (35-degree) heat trying not to die, while waiting for orders from the higher-ups. It was fun to be with some team members I don't get to spend much time with, and it was fun to be part of the experience, but very frustrating not to have enough work to do. And also exhausting just trying to survive in hot clothes with high humidity and heat indexes over 100 degrees (37 degrees). I did, however, get 11,000 steps in, my calories were exactly on target, and I'm going to bed roughly on time.   

 

Tomorrow I'll be doing that again, but thankfully this time we get to wear athletic clothes, so it should be a much less unpleasant experience. They said they *think* they have a real job for me tomorrow? I hope that's the case because I hate charging paid hours when I'm just standing around. I want to get paid but I want to earn my pay.

 

Goodnight all!! I'll be more present this weekend, I promise!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Stay cool and bring plenty of water.

[SkyGirl]

 

HI HI GUYS WHAT A WEEK I'VE HAD

 

So I wasn't sure how much I wanted to say here, but it's too cool not to share: I got to be on the Washington, DC television crew for NASA's Apollo 11 50th anniversary live show on Friday; which meant 2 intensely boring and grueling days of setup and errands in the beastly heat beforehand, but a simply magical day of running through crowds, putting microphones on astronauts, juggling equipment, fistbumping producers and directors, dabbing makeup on show hosts, making faces at the camera operators and flashing badges to part crowds on Friday. I really love TV. Not enough to want to give up writing, but it's sure a fun and exciting change of pace when I get to do it.   

 

I kind of tried to track food during all that, but honestly I was walking / running / climbing more than 11,000 steps every day and sweating my bodyweight's worth of water every hour, so I didn't worry about it too much. Tracking is *always* about a balance, and when it dominates your life at the expense of enjoying it, it's probably not being used in a healthy way. This week, I needed to fuel my body to keep it going, so tracking wasn't a priority. I will get back on it this week.

 

Last night I went to a super fancy concert with Lily and got home very very late, so this afternoon I'm going to clean the house at an easy pace and then get some rest. I've been pushing myself very hard for the past couple of weeks and am looking forward to a quiet week to recuperate a bit.     Maybe this week I can start thinking about exercise and normal eating again, besides just survival!!