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fleaball

Flea Learns How to Human, Part 2

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Fat Kitty is making the saddest but also most hilarious noises y’all. I’m so glad the vet is only a 10 minute drive for us because I would probably die if it were longer. Gonna try to have my brother get a video on the way back. 

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1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Fat Kitty is making the saddest but also most hilarious noises y’all. I’m so glad the vet is only a 10 minute drive for us because I would probably die if it were longer. Gonna try to have my brother get a video on the way back. 

 

The mournful cry of a cat in the car is so intense! 

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No kitty video yet because they’re all on my brother’s phone and he went back to bed. 

 

Also because I'm still fucking at Pep Boys despite getting here at 3:30 for a 4pm appointment for my goddamn tire. And they said was next in line at 5pm. Come to find out we’re responsible for the cost of tires no matter what, unless they’re just bald and need replacing, so I could have gone to the mechanic down the street that my family has used forever. Ugggggh. 

 

I’m so fucking hungry. Had a bagel before we went to the vet. Vet took longer than expected so I figured I’d get food from the Dunkins next to Pep Boys while I waited. Then they told me it was going to be quick, so I waited. And now two hours later I’m starving to death. Sad Flea. I was planning on driving tonight because I slept decently well, but now I’m just gonna go home and stuff my face and try to do other productive things. I bookmarked more jobs last night so maybe I’ll apply for something if I don’t die of hunger before then. 

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Welp. Looks like I made the right choice after all. The tire can’t be fixed so I don’t have to pay for it. Huzzah. I wasn’t looking forward to paying for a new tire on top of the vet appointment. 

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I sat down next to Fat Kitty on the couch to make sure he’s okay and doesn’t hate me. He rolled over and is now sleeping on me so I guess we’re good. Except for the fact that I can’t reach my food so I’m still going to die. 

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1 minute ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I don't think you can embed those videos from IMGUR, you'd have to upload it to youtube to embed.

ugggggh. too lazy. y'all can click the link.

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5 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

The link works fine! Those cries go straight to my heart~~~ 

10+ straight minutes of that each way. I was dying inside the whole time. He didn’t give a shit about being in the carrier at all, but as soon as he got plopped in the car he wailed. 

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Stupid cat has hyperthyroidism and is going to cost us a fuckton of money. The most effective way (and ultimately cheapest in the long run) way to treat it is to inject him with radioactive iodine, which requires at minimum a 5-day hospital stay until he chills out to a safe level of radioactivity. But then he’s still radioactive for ~2 weeks so we’d have to be crazy careful about what he touches and where he sleeps etc and can only pet him for 20 minutes a day max. One of the two places in the area that does it also offers to board patients until the radioactivity completely wears off. But that means he’s gone for almost 3 weeks and makes me sad for him. Because he lived with some old people at first, I guess, then spent some time in a shelter after they either died or had to move to an assisted living place sans pets (I was in France when we got him and I’ve heard both stories), then my aunt got him for my grandfather. My grandfather died, then my grandmother went to the hospital two years later and we took him in because she never made it back home. Then my mother died 4 years after that, and she was kind of his person. So he keeps leaving all his people. And I will feel awful dropping him off for almost 3 weeks while he doesn’t understand and doesn’t know that he’s coming home. T_T Plus the place that does the procedure + boarding is a pain in the ass to get to, which means a 30+ minute drive on a good day aka 30+ minutes of sad cat wailing. They specified that you can't visit during the first several days that they’re super radioactive, but it doesn’t say anything about the boarding period. I will totally go visit him if it’s allowed but I’ll probably cry leaving him every day. Stupid cat. 

 

I’m just venting because anxiety is making this a bigger deal than it really is and obviously there is no one to talk to at home about it. It’s a stupidly simple procedure it’s just the radioactivity and the restrictions that makes it complicated. And I don’t want to be without my stupid cat and make him be sad for three fucking weeks. If we didn’t have boobcat it might have been manageable but it’s basically impossible with both. 

 

And in case anyone is worried, he’s getting the treatment no matter what. My father is already bitching about the cost estimate on the website but if it comes down to it my brother and I will split it. He may be a useless waste of oxygen in every other aspect of life, but he will not give up on these cats so long as he’s alive. He’ll make someone else do all the work, but he’ll badger them til it gets done. So the bills will get paid. I’m just bitching about the reality of my cat being a pain in the ass. 

 

There’s a small chance he may not need the procedure. The boarding place does a scan before they prep them for it to see if the thyroid is actually fucked or if the cat just naturally has high levels of whatever hormone and doesn’t need treatment. I’m crossing my fingers for the latter, but it’s unlikely. Apparently some of the symptoms are weight loss (check), normal or increased appetite, and increased vocalization (check and check, cf screaming for food whenever he sees a human).

 

ugh. Pets. If I ever get my own place and my own cat I’m getting them insurance. 

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Also I’m pissed off. The doctor called my father with the blood test results this morning (his number is on the account, which is fine). But all he did was write down what she said. Asked no questions. Told me what she said later, I told my brother, and they both left it up to me to call back with questions. Simple fucking questions like “which treatment option do you recommend? What do they all cost? Are their there side effects?” Etc. Jesus fucking Christ come on. 

 

In other news, I’m watching Cutthroat Kitchen and they made grilled cheeses and I really want one right this second. But I don’t have cheese. Or bread. Or any desire to actually eat a ton of cheese on a day that’s over 90F and humid as fuck. Yay. 

 

Edited by fleaball
autocorrect fail
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16 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

Leaving pets at the vet always makes me super sad, so I can imagine how stressful the idea of leaving him for 3 weeks is! Poor baby. :/

Yeah. Ultimate sadness. I just told my brother “tl;dr we’re gonna be without him for 3 weeks” and he was like “what the fuck?!?!?!” And asked if we could go with one of the other treatment options instead. Womp. 

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It is 95F right now with a heat index of 108. Kill me. 

 

About to go driving if I can stop melting long enough to put clothes on.

 

Chair finally made it to Target but I think I’ll wait til after this bullshit heatwave is over to pick it up.

 

Was about to do a challenge recap but my brain has gone back to bed so that will have to wait. 

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This goddamn cat will be the death of me. Since I talked to the vet I've been a ball of anxiety and I don't think it's going to stop until he's had the procedure and we've gotten him back. I feel awful about having to leave him there. I'm anxious about the entire setup in general. (They only take cats in on Mondays for this procedure; what if they can't take him for a few weeks? What if there's a ton of traffic when we have to take him in? What if we can't visit him? What if we can, because this place is such a pain in the ass that it's going to be ridiculous to go every day just to pet him for like 10 minutes, but if we're allowed to and I don't then I'll feel even worse. What if we pick him up and he hates us? Will I survive a half hour of mournful meowing each way?) My brother is feeding my anxiety and general bad feelings because he keeps talking about how sad it is to have to leave him for 3 weeks, so that doesn't help. On top of all this, even though he otherwise got a clean bill of health from the vet I'm still getting upset when he begs for food because what if it means something's wrong? (We have a food bowl for each cat even though they don't care whose is whose. My brother keeps them topped up with food so it's not like he has no access to anything if he's actually hungry.)

 

On top of all this, I'm getting increasingly pissed off at my father and brother and I think it's contributing to more anxiety about the logistics of all this. I told them both to look at the websites for both places that do the procedure and let me know if they have any questions they wanted asked when I call or email with my own. My brother decided that since it needs to happen no matter what, he doesn't need to read about it and weigh in. (????) My father hasn't looked at the websites yet to my knowledge, but I did read parts of them out loud yesterday to him after recapping what the vet told me. He's hyperfixated on the cost and the fact that the place that also boards is so inconvenient. That's all he keeps bringing up. So basically, they're both leaving ALL of the decision making and legwork up to me. As usual. Which sucks even more because since they're both unhappy about the situation, even though the things they're unhappy about can't be avoided, my stupid trauma makes it "my responsibility" to fix things and make them not unhappy. Which I can't. Which adds more stress and anxiety and fuels the need to fix it. See where I'm going with this?

 

The website for the boarding place says you can send a blanket or a favorite toy or something, but you can't have it back because it'll be contaminated. I decided I'm going to send him with my stuffed cat that I sleep with. He uses it as a pillow sometimes and I've caught him cuddling it once. I told my brother this and he was like "wait, you know you can't get it back right? Didn't Mom give you that? And you're okay with it??" My attachment to the stuffed cat has nothing to do with the fact that my mother brought it for me when I was in the hospital in DC. And everything to do with the fact that it's cuddly and the perfect size and shape for sleeping with and gave me something to hold on to when my life was falling apart around me in grad school. And I care about Fat Kitty a lot more than I care about my mother. It's not even a question. And if this is the only goddamn thing I can do to comfort my fucking cat while he has to spend 3 weeks wondering why we're letting strangers poke him with needles and why we abandoned him, I'm going to fucking do it. My brother doesn't approve and says he'd feel weird essentially getting rid of something she gave him. Good for him. I would set fire to everything she ever gave me if I thought it would help. 

 

It just occurred to me that not only is it best for both cats that Fat Kitty stay at the hospital, it's also the best option for me. Because you fucking know that if he came home after just a few days, I would be the one responsible for keeping him off of things and out of rooms and keeping track of what we'd need to throw out after he stops being radioactive. So now I'm crying, which is fun. Because this realization means it's even better for him to stay there where people can keep an eye on and take care of him properly, but now I feel insanely guilty for putting my needs over my goddamn cat. What the actual fuck is my life I hate that I'm this fucking damaged. 

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13 hours ago, fleaball said:

What the actual fuck is my life I hate that I'm this fucking damaged.

You know the answer to that, what I think you really mean is that this situation sucks, anxiety sucks, trauma sucks, and you're having a rough day. I'm sorry the cat situation is so hard and that the manchildren you live with are being themselves. As for feeling bad about putting your needs above a cat's needs, I don't think that is what you are doing. You're still learning that Flea actually matters at all, it's probably too much to expect you to realize you actually do count more than a cat. 

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2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

As for feeling bad about putting your needs above a cat's needs, I don't think that is what you are doing.

 

Flea, you're not putting your needs above his!! You're taking very excellent care of him while dealing with all sorts of unnecessary garbage from your family that make it even harder. Just because it also happens to be more convenient for you to board him doesn't mean that you're in any way failing to take care of him. You're allowed to feel your own feelings about this - it doesn't diminish how much you care about him. 

 

If anything, I think what you're feeling is also just a sign of how much you love him! When my cat was sick, I would feel guilty and anxious if I was out for too long in the evening and wasn't there to give him his dinner and medicine (even though I could ask my parents to do it). I was scared and sad for him and that was one of the ways it manifested. I suspect that's part of what's happening for you too - you're scared and sad for your cat and this is just one of the ways that feeling is manifesting.

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On 7/20/2019 at 8:29 AM, fleaball said:

In other news, I’m watching Cutthroat Kitchen and they made grilled cheeses and I really want one right this second. But I don’t have cheese. Or bread. Or any desire to actually eat a ton of cheese on a day that’s over 90F and humid as fuck. Yay. 

Just saying, those are the exact conditions in which Alton Brown would expect you to make a kickass grilled cheese ;)

 

Big hugs, Flea, as a fellow owner of a sick pet. It's so hard but we're all doing our best.

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Someone who is a giant fucking moron left something very important at home that he needed for work this morning because he thought it was at work in the first place. He called me to look for it, I couldn’t find it. He came home from work, looked in the same goddamn places I looked, also didn’t find it. Apparently went back to work and “made a complete ass of himself.” And then eventually came home and looked more thoroughly and found it where it usually lives, except it was under/behind some things he had to have deliberately put there. On a shelf above my eye level.

 

But despite the fact that he a.) went to work thinking it wasn’t even in the house in the first place and b.) also looked in the same place twice after I did and didn’t see it, it’s somehow my fault for not seeing it in the first place. I’m trying not to take it personally but it’s hard when I’ve been conditioned to think everything is my fault/responsibility in the first place. I know he’s full of shit but I’m still mad about the whole thing. 

 

Thanks for the replies to the cat post. I’ll get back to you all later when I don’t want to light things on fire. 

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5 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I’m trying not to take it personally

The fact that you even wrote this part is a huge indicator of all your progress. I know you want to get to where it doesn't affect you all. I also want you to celebrate the win of how far you have already come on that journey.

 

Also, maybe set a few things on fire?

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Asked my brother when he got up yesterday if he'd seen the missing item. Nope. When he got home from work I told him it was in its usual spot and our father is an idiot. 

 

"Yeah, I wasn't going to tell you because I figured it would just make you mad, but when I was getting ready for work he was saying 'I should beat the girl for making me make a complete ass of myself at work." 

 

Let's let that one sink in for a minute. He goes to work without even looking for the thing at home because he's sure he left it in a locked drawer or something idk. Then after I say I don't see it in the house, he comes home and looks in the exact same place and doesn't see it either. But it's still my fault he doesn't have it? 

 

And a new fun thing I realized: he hasn't called me "the girl" in forever (at least as far as I know). He used to do it to both of us all the time when we were kids. "The girl" and "the boy." I don't know why. I don't remember when it started or stopped. But when it hit me last night my only thought was just y i k e s. So between this and the cat drama my therapist will absolutely be earning her paycheck tomorrow.

 

On 7/21/2019 at 3:53 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You know the answer to that, what I think you really mean is that this situation sucks, anxiety sucks, trauma sucks, and you're having a rough day. I'm sorry the cat situation is so hard and that the manchildren you live with are being themselves. As for feeling bad about putting your needs above a cat's needs, I don't think that is what you are doing. You're still learning that Flea actually matters at all, it's probably too much to expect you to realize you actually do count more than a cat. 

 

On 7/21/2019 at 6:07 PM, NeverThatBored said:

Flea, you're not putting your needs above his!! You're taking very excellent care of him while dealing with all sorts of unnecessary garbage from your family that make it even harder. Just because it also happens to be more convenient for you to board him doesn't mean that you're in any way failing to take care of him. You're allowed to feel your own feelings about this - it doesn't diminish how much you care about him. 

 

If anything, I think what you're feeling is also just a sign of how much you love him! When my cat was sick, I would feel guilty and anxious if I was out for too long in the evening and wasn't there to give him his dinner and medicine (even though I could ask my parents to do it). I was scared and sad for him and that was one of the ways it manifested. I suspect that's part of what's happening for you too - you're scared and sad for your cat and this is just one of the ways that feeling is manifesting.

 

I like you guys. <3 I realized I don't actually have replies for you because you're right.

 

On 7/22/2019 at 4:51 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

The fact that you even wrote this part is a huge indicator of all your progress. I know you want to get to where it doesn't affect you all. I also want you to celebrate the win of how far you have already come on that journey.

 

Also, maybe set a few things on fire?

Fire is hot. Hot is bad. 

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*hugs* I have no words other than "WTactualF is wrong with your dad?"

 

I know he is a man child but WTeverlovingF makes him think that this is even your problem let alone that you did this to make him look like an ass

 

I know, its your dad. The funnier thing is, if you didn't live there, it would probably still be a drama and it would be the cats fault. That's about as likely.

 

As much as I know that my saying this won't really help since you know it, because well, programming sucks, try not to let him get to you. This is just another sign that your dad has no ability to adult, and where you are learning to human and can adult, he is just going to blame everyone else for his inability and for you or the world not being  a pre-cognative person who has his whole life set up on easy street for him so he never has to think about adult things. In the long run, you will be much better off for the work you are doing, and you will get out of there (Although, I am almost tempted for you to take the cats so he can blame ghosts or something).

 

*hugs* and I hope things go better today.

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