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Teros

Teros 55: Duty

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You just finished Grad school, and on top of that you've almost completely finished a giant task of redoing that house. When someone finishes even one project like that they can find themselves empty for a time because their brain doesn't know what to do with the sudden surplus of mental energy. Two projects almost at the same time and you've suddenly got a LOT more free time on your hands. It's normal to feel adrift after something like that. It's a normal reaction to suddenly not being as busy.

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Hello There!!

It's been a loooong time since the last time I sign in. And today I did by chance. Lots of coincidences led me to click on the NF link on bookmarks, I was looking for a link about decluttering.

The first thing I did was look for you here. I'm really happy that you are still making progress.

And so many news! Some not so good, but looks that you are dealing fine.

 

19 hours ago, Teros said:

I'm tired of everything feeling like a rehash.  I find myself stuck in an eternal loop; the same familiar and stinging problems always rearing their head.  It feels like, despite what I've gotten done, that I'm in a perpetual groundhog day.  I'm struck with dread.  What gives my life meaning?

 

Maybe it feels that way, but looking from outside, and comparing with where I left ( more than 2 years ago maybe?) you made Huge progress.

About that time you barely have any friends, you were strugling with school, with house situantios, meaningless job and more. Look where you are now!

 

I come to realize that life is this, a eternal battle to better days, a everyday strugle to feel good and be happy.

:D

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Sorry you had a tough night, and can relate. 

Especially with how isolating to cut the cruddy people out. 

 

But damn that list of done and that list of to do. Enough to keep one busy... Cheering you on!

 

Good to know Bellmyst is going to take a bit... just do the publisty now have a chunk of readers by fall 

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It's been eating away at me.  I need to write it.  If for no one else that just to myself to know I'm not insane.

 

I’m alone and it’s killing me.

 

I run through the same scenarios over and over.  This is what the heart of all of this really is.

 

I feel like I did when I was a teenager and in my 20’s in my journal because I wrote for like 20 years about how I felt alone.  That’s why it’s bringing up that old memory of rehashing shit.  I feel alone and what happens is I’ll contact someone on my phone and say how I’m feeling.  They will be confused and ask to elaborate and I’ll do so.  They will offer some very cliché information and an ‘I’m sorry’ and I’m back to where I was.  Or I start off a message with writing very detailed information and I get told that I should probably talk to a therapist.  I’m already talking to one and it’s not helping.

 

Before in my teens, when I would write about loneliness; it was because I couldn’t make any friends.  I had my ‘fringe friends’ who didn’t really bring anything to the table.  I wasn’t dating anyone – I was too ugly and unlovable for anyone to look my way (until my ex which then lead to 12 years of misery since I didn’t feel I could do better).  I didn’t feel AS alone when I would write on NF, but I still felt alone to a certain extent.  The times I didn’t feel alone were when I was talking to Kit all those years ago, who is the first woman I started to have a stronger love for – past the ‘love of humanity’-type love.  And then when talking to Lyn.  Asking Lyn questions and writing back and forth, to me, made me finally not feel alone.  Here was a woman that was an INTJ like me.  She had the same type of thought patterns and worked the same way I did.  Here was a confident and assertive woman that had traveled and lived in Japan and England.  A woman that was intelligent and had a doctorate in history. 

 

Lyn was a woman that had a wealth of little intricacies that I could get blissfully lost in learning.  From her favorite color to her favorite flower, to different videogames we grew up playing, to family drama and trauma, to sexual perversions.  Little by little, she became an open book and I loved reading every single page.  She was like a beautiful song I could listen to on repeat for hours.  There was depth to this woman.  There was a kindred equality to her.  I didn’t feel alone when I was connecting with her and for those moments, the world didn’t matter.  Me trying to better myself was seen as something to be proud of: to impress her.  Bettering myself felt like it finally had a purpose beyond the philosophical treadmill-running in life.  Suffering can never be removed from life as life is about suffering; but in falling for this woman, all of that suffering had purpose: Her.  My decades of loneliness, me being bullied, my emotionally distant mother, all the half-assed and mediocre people that I had to interact with in the real world, while I built myself into a thriving empire of knowledge and skills through this online world with like-minded beautiful individuals.  All of it culminated in my hard work of earning this woman. She wasn’t someone that you could just walk up to and sweep her off her feet.  She had standards – high standards, and I was above and beyond all of them.  And in return, she was above and beyond all of my standards. 

 

She woke up something inside of me so deep and real: true love.  I don’t know what people think about the whole ‘the one’ when finding a partner.  I think that statistically, we probably have ‘the couple dozen’ but the chances of us running into those few dozen is pretty slim.  I spent my life looking for a woman that completed me and at 30 years old, I found her.  She was my mirror: anything that I could do, she was also doing.  It spurred me on to new heights.  I didn’t want to be handed her, I wanted to continually earn her.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life proving to myself that I deserve the woman of my dreams who had become manifest.  All prior fantasies I had were based on some sort of kinky BDSM sexual acts until one day, none of that was arousing me.  Nothing was working until I thought of Her, and I imagined being in bed with her, slowly having sex with the intention of creating a child.  That was the first time in my entire life that I ever imagined ‘regular’ vanilla sex.  It was the most powerful thing I had ever felt: this emotional connection of wanting to have a future and start a family with a woman that I had fallen in love with.  And for her, within the same 24 hours she had a dream of us reading to our unborn child, as she was pregnant.  She didn’t know about my fantasy – this same feeling and intensity hit us both at the same time without the other one knowing about it.  Words can’t describe that.  I can’t explain how the most intense love ever truly feels.  I can’t explain how feeling incomplete your whole life and then suddenly having that satisfaction of a life-long wrongness becoming right will ever feel.  Words will never do it justice. 

 

I was told in my previous explanations of the story of Lyn that maybe it was ‘infatuation’.  Infatuation is short-lived passion.  Four years later and that hasn’t gone away, as much as sometimes I hate myself for feeling it and feeling not in control of it.  Infatuation also carries with it that there is no reason to be feeling these feelings.  I’ve listed already the reasons why.  Everything about her character is something that I liked and wanted more of.  She wasn’t some sort of wild illogical obsession, but rather a keystone that fit the missing piece of who I was and wanted to be.  Her being better made me want to be better.  I had found what I had always wanted: a challenge and an equal.  While I don’t talk less of other people, they simply weren’t the right fit.  All women before and after Lyn have had a lot of reasons to connect and I have felt different levels of attraction but no one so perfectly fit that puzzle piece in my heart like Her.  As I’m doing kickboxing, she’s doing Krav Maga.  As I’m training for a Spartan race, she’s doing crossfit.  We share pictures of what we want to look like and talk about a future.  She is supposed to come up to meet me, but she injures herself and falls into a depression.  She doesn’t want me to see her ‘like this’.  I tell her that it doesn’t matter to me and this is the start of me losing Her.  That summer, she is very distant and depressed.  And something else happens but I’m unable to find out any information.  She keeps quiet and says that she can’t handle talking about it. I try to be caring and reasonable and tell her that I love her and I’ll be there when she feels she’s ok to talk about it.  The months, nay, years that follow are of her disappearing for long tracks of time and then us having some very emotionally distant chit-chat.  Basic greeting.  Things are ok.  And whenever the conversation turns to me wanting to know what’s going on in a serious sense, she disappears again.  Over this time, I become increasingly morose.  I don’t know what to do.  The woman that made me feel complete was slipping away between my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it. 

 

I ended up looking online to a dating site to try and make some friends.  Anything to try and fill that void that was growing inside me.  Every woman that I came into contact with was a double-edged sword: for a brief moment, I felt better since I wasn’t alone.  But quickly, that moment passed as the woman I was getting closer to was no Lyn.  The replacement person would run out of stories to tell, run out of intricacies to show.  They were one-dimensional and I would quickly grow bored. I would start a cycle: start to learn about a new woman, gain a lot of information, then realize I’ve found out everything there is to know about that woman and then see no potential for growth and betterment and my interest would fade away.  Whoever the woman was, she was no missing puzzle piece.  She didn’t have the same motivation and drive as Her.  She wasn’t as attractive as Her.  She wasn’t as smart as Her.  She wasn’t as witty and engaging as Her.  I would grow bored and tired of the women that I was around.  Their numbers would swell and fall, ebbing and flowing as I tried to find a sweet spot of people that could be cobbled together to fulfill my needs.  I, in essence, stitched together a Frankenstein’s monster of relationships.  Some were physical.  Some were emotional.  Some were friendships.  I was becoming desperate to make this ever-widening gap I felt inside of me close at least a little bit.  Hundreds of women I talked to.  Dozens of quasi-relationships I had.  Usually I was juggling multiple “relationships” at the same time.  All I wanted was to feel happy; to feel like I used to feel when I was with Lyn: to not feel alone and have an equal.  There was no such thing and I settled on this Frankenstein hybrid of half-assed relationships because they were supposed to be temporary.  I wasn’t trying to find someone to replace Lyn: I just wanted someone(s) to be filler until Lyn came back and collectively, those women weren’t even able to do that.  Then as the years passed, I had a nightmare of Lyn yelling at me and making me feel like I was bad and wrong- like I had done something to hurt her and I felt tremendous guilt; waking up in a cold sweat.  I texted Lyn, assuming she would do like she always does and just ignore me for two weeks and then ask how things were.  But instead she replied that day, telling me that no matter what, I needed to know that I did nothing wrong.  I called her and after twenty minutes, we were both crying: her telling me about how she had cancer and had gone for treatments.  She thought she was going to die, which now made sense why she was traveling the world despite it being something that we talked about doing together.  She thought that if she pushed me away, that she would die and I would find someone else and be happy and I deserved to be happy.  She couldn’t understand that the only one that would make me happy was Her.  I had tried to see who else was out there and no one fit like she did.  I didn’t want anyone else: I only wanted Her.  She opened up a bit and talked to me.  We started having smaller versions of our online conversations.  She still emotionally wasn’t quite there with me.  It still felt like there was a wall of disconnect and I didn’t know what to do to pull it out of her.  I wanted that wall down.  I wanted things to go back to the way they were before her cancer.  How do I convince a woman that I love to love me back the way she used to? 

 

Now in the fall of 2018, she told me that she needed time and that I deserved her A-game.  She didn’t want to jump into a relationship if she wasn’t ready.  If she didn’t understand herself and know what she truly wanted, she would end up being resentful and things would become toxic and get ruined.  She didn’t want that.  She told me that she felt a lot of hate and anger towards herself and in general.  She mentioned that she, in a certain way, was angry at me and she didn’t know why and didn’t want to be that way.  As she put it, she wanted her love to be ‘pure’ and not be muddied with this convoluted mix of other negative feelings.  I understood and she told me that she needed a few months, summer 2019, to work on herself.  Hurt but understanding, I gave her that. The months that she needed, she went back to her sporadic ways: not talking for a few weeks and then exchanging pleasantries only to disappear for another month.  It was maddening.  I don’t know what the hell she was thinking because she rarely ever expressed it.  She would tell me that she felt ‘everything’ which isn’t helpful, and would tell me that feelings were so overwhelming that she didn’t know how to talk about them.  She didn’t want to sound like a rambling mad-woman (which coincidentally, I label a lot of my writings as that of a rambling mad-man).  I told her I loved her, that I would be there for her, and that if she wants help with trying to understand things, she needs to open up and I would do whatever I could to work on these complicated feelings with her.  For a brief moment, she would explain more but then reflexively it seems, would shut down and disappear again.  Now, it’s the summer of 2019; the time that I was told I had to wait.  And I’m still nowhere understanding what the hell is going on with Her.  There are a few theories that I’ve thought about.  She told me months ago that she wanted her emotions to stop.  She wanted all of them to just shut up and shut off so she could go to work and function in life.  I told her that’s not how emotions work: suffocating them only makes things more chaotic.  They have to be faced.  And I think that she’s still to this day not really facing them.  I sometimes think that I’ve put more thought into her than she’s put into herself.  The theories that I’ve tried to apply to understand this enigma has been cobbled together from various admissions and the brief glimpses of vulnerability that I’ve gotten:

 

1-Does she hate herself so much that she doesn’t think she deserves me and is subconsciously self-sabotaging by staying away in the hopes that I’ll give up and find ‘better’ than her?

2-Does she feel close to me and then she realized how she feels and the future we once had planned of a child/family and it brings up negative feelings so then she pushes away?

3-Does she think that I’m going to be like her ex-husband and cheat on her and hurt her, since she stated that when she caught him cheating, it ‘broke’ her?

4-Does she not really care about me at all anymore (perhaps finding someone else), but doesn’t want to hurt me by saying we won’t be together so the better option is to let things deteriorate until I find a replacement for her?

5-Does she think all the time being lost in thought and reflecting about herself and she doesn’t want to share it with me because she is too independent and doesn’t want to feel like she’s relying on me?  Does she feel the need to ‘solve’ herself as something she needs to do alone, like I’ve done?

 

There might be other possible options but after deliberating on Lyn long and hard, these are the main possible scenarios and of course, multiple ones could be simultaneously true.  I remember a few months back, I told her that even if she doesn’t have faith in herself; I know I have faith in her.  Her response was that she hoped that I wasn’t wasting my time.  She also mentioned at one point that she wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just treating her like all the other clients that I had and just saying things for her sake.  The way it was stated, it implied that she was insecure and wasn’t sure if I was saying the ‘right things’ because that’s what I’m supposed to do, as a sort of counseling role.  As of right now, I’m still lost as she’s lost.  There have been times throughout this that I’ve wondered if maybe this was all in my imagination.  Maybe I just hyped up something in my head.  But then I go back to the conversations, the pictures, the video of her giggling and smiling and my heart melts all over again.  I’ve feel like a machine man that finally has a human heart and I can’t separate from it.  Like a robot finally gaining sentience and understanding love, I feel the same electricity and fluttering now at 4 years with this shred of a relationship that I felt in the days of our long novels we wrote to each other daily.  I still feel more intensity from her and know her more than all the other women I juggled in the past couple years combined.  I remember her telling me about all of her fringe-friends telling her that she was nuts for wanting to be with me; that a long-distance relationship where she never met me wasn’t real.  She was pressured and pestered; being told to go and find someone else to date.  She told her friends for each of them to pick out one person and she would go on a date and if she did that, they had to promise to leave her the hell alone.  And none of them worked out.  She also battled the same sort of stigma and disbelief from others in her life.  I’m still juggling people and trying to find some sort of happiness.  I’m still stitching together a network of people to try and have a semblance of a real relationship.  But deep down, it’s all hollow and empty.  Most days, I think I should just end talking to anyone and become a hermit; alone with my arts and crafts – only to go outside to explore a bit and go to work as people have repeatedly proven to me to not be worth it.  I don’t expect people to understand and I’m probably the only one who doesn’t think I should just get over it and find someone else but the fact is I’ve been trying to do exactly that and it has made the disparity that I feel in my soul progressively worse and I feel trapped in this limbo pining for a woman that may never come back.  I feel somedays that she’s already dead.  Maybe not in body, but in heart and soul.  And late at night sometimes, I mourn and grieve for a women I’ve never met who used to complete me.  I mourn the loss of my human heart, that spark of fire that made me feel alive.  I miss you, Lyn.  Probably more than you’ll ever understand.

 

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On 7/6/2019 at 9:24 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You just finished Grad school, and on top of that you've almost completely finished a giant task of redoing that house. When someone finishes even one project like that they can find themselves empty for a time because their brain doesn't know what to do with the sudden surplus of mental energy. Two projects almost at the same time and you've suddenly got a LOT more free time on your hands. It's normal to feel adrift after something like that. It's a normal reaction to suddenly not being as busy.

 

I guess but I already have tons of plans for what I'm doing next so I might not be *super* busy right now, but in about a week I'm going to be very busy still.

 

On 7/6/2019 at 8:04 PM, Clarys said:

Hello There!!

It's been a loooong time since the last time I sign in. And today I did by chance. Lots of coincidences led me to click on the NF link on bookmarks, I was looking for a link about decluttering.

The first thing I did was look for you here. I'm really happy that you are still making progress.

And so many news! Some not so good, but looks that you are dealing fine.

 

Clarys! :love_heart: Oh my god, it's been a long time.  How are you doing!?

 

On 7/6/2019 at 8:04 PM, Clarys said:

Maybe it feels that way, but looking from outside, and comparing with where I left ( more than 2 years ago maybe?) you made Huge progress.

About that time you barely have any friends, you were strugling with school, with house situantios, meaningless job and more. Look where you are now!

 

Yeah, 1 last paper and then school is done forever and I can start studying for my exam and get my license.  Then it's some solid $$$$.

 

On 7/6/2019 at 11:11 PM, LovelyBouncer said:

Good to know Bellmyst is going to take a bit... just do the publisty now have a chunk of readers by fall 

 

For me, I had an issue with keeping interest held and I think that sort of rubbed off on other people but I'm comfortable now and have a few ideas that I want to hammer into a cohesive story.

 

--

 

I didn't really sleep last night.  I made the big post about Her and I thought that getting it all out of my system would make me feel a bit better.  I need to just focus on myself and hope that she'll understand what's going on and when she starts talking again; I need to have a serious conversation with her.

 

I'm hitting up the gym today to see what the ideal time is.  So far I've gone at 8am, 9am, and today will be 11am.  Tomorrow I have off so I can check out 10am and then decide when the optimal gym-time is with the least amount of people there.  I'm debating posting my stats after each gym session to show progress.

 

Tonight I am doing a paint-night with Lori, the only woman that I ended up talking to in school that didn't 100% disappear or have a meltdown of some sort.  She's a little spitfire and I like her attitude.  She's never done a paint-night but she confirmed she'll be there.  I got both tickets and she's paying me back for her ticket.

 

So, I'm going to do something drastic with my hair.  I've already done two treatments and I have one more left to go. I think it might be done tomorrow.  JJ is getting an original xbox controller because I started getting into retro games (I have an emulated xbox which plays NES, SNES, and Sega games).  Back when I was talking to my therapist, a serious topic came up about how I'm not ok with being ok.  As in, whenever I do something that I like; I somehow corrupt it and ruin it.  If it's a tv show, I get a couple episodes into it and then I feel obligatedd to compelte the show and I want to hurry up and get it over with.  I feel a sigh of relief when a show is over.  Videogames act sort of the same way, in that I play RPGs and I have this internal stress to do more monster-killing and try to get good gear and complete sets or clear areas.  It makes me feel like I'm falling behind in playing a fucking videogame.  Books are similiar, too.  Once I get about 1/3 into a book, I want to hurry up and finish it and get it over with.  Intimacy is like this a lot of times as well: rush to the goal and get someone off.  I can never just BE OK with being IN THE MOMENT.  Like it's a serious struggle.  That's what Mellow Mondays were supposed to be about.  I can't rush music.  I can't rush self-care.  So having some time set aside to be ok and feel in the moment was extremely difficult for me.  However, after having done a few of these, it has sort of morphed into me taking one evening a week (not specifically monday) and listening to music and playing some retro games.  With older games, I don't have the inner urge to try and master it.  For instance, for the past month I've been playing my favorite game of all time:

 

 

I beat it and oh god, so happy.

 

Currently, I'm playing through:

 

And I think after I beat that, I'm going to beat the 2nd and 3rd game.  When I was a kid, I never finished the 3rd one so it's weird that it will be part nostalgia and part brand new for me.  I was looking up the 50 best Sega games, 50 best NES games, and 50 best SNES games and a lot of them are franchises that I've never actually bothered with.  Like Metroid - I barely remember playing the first one on the NES and I never played others.  The entire Castlevania series I never bothered with.  There are tons of classics that I never had growing up but I still have that little kid giddy happy feeling.  I think that I found something that let's me be ok with being ok and in the moment.  Some of these games are co-op.  You know, the REAL co-op and not the online connected ones.  I was talking to JJ about all these games and so we're going to try some of the co-op ones together.  She's a few years older than me but she played original mario and zelda and has never heard of 45+ out of the top 50 games on each of these lists.

  

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You know, a therapist is really great when you need to process stuff in your head that is keeping you stuck in a place. A therapist really helped me recognize some false beliefs that were holding me back. Which was really helpful.

 

A therapist isn’t so great at being supportive with shared experiences, offering advice. What’s a lot better for that is a support group. I found one for freelance artists, and it was funny because we met to be critique partners and what we really talked about was dealing with the loneliness of being home alone all day and not seeing people on a regular basis. Maybe check out some groups. It’s not all like Fight Club. We’re certainly here for you, but it’s not the same as being in a room with someone and hearing their voice and seeing their face light up and say “YES! I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOU!” And really feeling understood. 

 

Tank is completely right by the way. Give yourself some kindness and patience. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s hard to slow down and just process.

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On 7/8/2019 at 11:34 AM, Snarkyfishguts said:

I found one for freelance artists, and it was funny because we met to be critique partners and what we really talked about was dealing with the loneliness of being home alone all day and not seeing people on a regular basis.

 

So it went from art-based discussion to people-based discussion?
 

--

 

Last night while I was at work, I decided to bring my "GREAT IDEA NOTEBOOK" with me (Thanks @DarK_RaideR ) to work to get a bunch of Bellmyst ideas written down.

 

BellMyst2.png

 

What I always seem to do is have ideas all bounced around in my head and they sort of settle like sand in water.  Then I stir up the mix and the sand gets kicked up and floats around.  I pick some of the ideas apart and attach or detach ideas and add new ones and then I stop thinking about it and the sand/ideas settle again.  I brought my notebook with me yesterday to kick up the ideas I've already had.  I figured if I wrote them down, it would spark new stuff and BOY-oh-boy has it.  Have you ever thought of something cool and realized you were very pleased with yourself?  Like, 'good going, Me'?

 

I have the intro and the conclusion of the Bellmyst story concepts figured out. I have at the very least 3 characters solidified as players in the story.  I also have some nightmarish and gory details for things I want to have happen.  Next time I kick up that sand, I'm going to figure out how to piece together some of the middle-story.  Once I figure that out, I think it's time to start the campaign itself.  It's horror-based as opposed to action-based (like RPG fanatics) so I need a lot more detail and depth in what I'm writing in order for it to get the point across.  I don't want people thinking, "Oh that's pretty badass", I want people to be, to a certain degree, feeling scared and dread for what's coming next.  Although I love horror movies (Suggest me some, please), I find that a lot of them are relegated to two sub-genres: Gore-porn and Suspense.  I'm not a fan of gore-porn.  Ok, people's legs are hacked off, intestines yanked out.... whatever.  What I find is that suspense-horror is what gets to me.  Good examples of suspense/dread-horror: Hereditary, The VVitch, and The Shining.  None of those stories are *fast*.  They don't escalate quickly.  Instead, there is a tension that gets drawn out and you wonder exactly when things are going to go fucking nuts.  That is sort of what I'm aiming for tone-wise in the sleepy town of Bellmyst.  A sort of silent hill/lovecraft hereditary-vvitch-shining-esk type of story.  I don't think I'm a very good writer and believe me, I wish I was.  I'm not sure what one needs to do in order to be a well-crafted wordsmith besides lots of experience and wordplay.  Adjectives play a huge role, I feel.  I've been stirring around for words that I like but don't exactly think to use.  Words like ELDRITCH.  Fuck, that's a good word, isn't it?  Interestingly enough, it's usage started in 16th century and Bellmyst takes place roughly year 1655.   *thinking face* Maybe I should look up 16th century words...

--

 

In other news, I'm doing fucking great at everything and I'm super proud of this.  Things to note:

 

1) I completed a whole 30 and then had some good 4th of july food and rather than FUCK UP ROYALLY AND THEN TAKE MONTHS TO GET BACK ON TRACK, I instead rebounded like I wanted to.  I've started a new one the other day and it's going strong.  That chain I mentioned previously of:

 

On 6/25/2019 at 5:47 PM, Teros said:

It usually goes:  whole30->slight cheat->more cheats->eating garbage->depression kicks in->anxiety kicks in->self-loathing kicks in->feel suicidal->hate myself->attempt to get my shit together with another whole30->fuck up and dep/anx/suicidal feelings get magnified->try again and fail->try again and fail->Whole30 sticks->I feel great->Whole30 ends->slight cheat.  REPEAT. 

 

That chain of events did not happen.  I had my cheeseburgers and a little pie on the holiday and went back to the grind.  For instance, today I ate some ground sausage with asparagus, black olives and sweet potato.  I made with it an antioxidant protein smoothie:  cherries, pomegranate, raspberries, banana, unsweetened almond milk, and protein powder. It was fucking delicious.  I also made some taco beef that I'm putting into lettuce wraps with some diced tomatoes that I'll have later today.  I upped my time/calories on the eliptical. Still debating on posting the pictures I take after each workout as motivation to show how I'm progressing.  I'm in the zone right now with my health.  I'm hitting the gym 3x a week, eating flawlessly, and I feel more mentally clear.  No foggyness, no depression, no anxiety.  I feel like shit when I start to focus on *Her* but maybe me writing it all out sort of released the pressure valve in my heart for a little bit.  With my hitting the gym, I've doing strictly cardio and being in a better mood, I want to up the ante and start getting back into sledgehammer workouts on the weekend or maybe some bodyweight circuits.  I haven't decided.  I'm also making progress on my crap school paper rewrite (idk if I even bitched about this on here. In a nutshell, I need to rewrite a paper in order to finish school and I was unaware of this for like 2 months...).  I went painting with a classmate on Monday and honestly, I made a nice looking picture.  I should upload it on here.  Oh, and I'm going bowling with someone tonight.  It feels like all the pieces are falling into place like I planned.

 

 

 

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Thanks for the tag, I'd have missed this thread entirely. Subbing now, will (try to) catch up later.

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On 7/11/2019 at 5:41 PM, Teros said:

So it went from art-based discussion to people-based discussion?

 

Yup, it’s hard to be creative when you’re stuck in your head and/or feel bad.  The supportive nature of the group has been really nice. We problem solve together, vent, and support each other through difficult times. And there have been times when someone is really struggling and when the group isnt helping that person, we’ll recommend they get counseling to really dive deeper into a problem. That happened with me last year when my Pap died and we were cleaning out his house. I was sharing funny stories about finding snakes and mice and we laughed and my eyes filled with tears and my buddy just said “you know we’re here for you, but maybe it’s time to talk to someone to help you through this. You don’t seem to be feeling better.” Then I had five sessions with a counselor about grief, family, and boundaries. But the group was my grounding point. This supportive group of people who reminded me that there was more to life out there and they helped me regain perspective in a way I didnt get from therapy.

 

Back to you, that is really wonderful that you are finding a way of eating that makes you feel good! I loved reading about you feeling better, more clear, and the pride and confidence in your post is really uplifting, i’m so happy for you!

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Glad to see things had settles nicely at place, and hope you are keeping at it.

 

Thank you for sharing your creative writing process, I myself am working on writing 100 pages of just writing (extended it so I finish by the end of August). Been at a lack of ideas, but when something strikes I've tried writing the little bit that has gone through...

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So I've decided that I'm going to suck it up and start posting pictures of stats to keep me accountable.  I tend to not do this because as much as I do, the idea of copy/pasting/uploading a picture seems like a huge pain in the ass for me and honestly, it shouldn't be.

 

Here are some stats to show the progress that I've been making:

 

july219.jpg

 

My plan was to start on the treadmill and try to do more every time until I hit a target of about 600 calories/1 hour.  Once I did this, I would 'upgrade' to the next thing:  The eliptical.  Once I have a target for the elliptical, I will then upgrade again to the arc machine. All that matters is that I've gotten better each time I go to the gym.  It doesn't matter by how much, just that it's better.  Calories, or faster, or a longer time.  There needs to be an improvement where I'm pushing myself.

 

july419.jpg

 

 Upped the time by 10 minutes.

 

july819.jpg

 

Another 10 minutes. I was able to hit that 600/1hour target pretty fast.

 

july919.jpg

With it being a new machine, I derped and didn't take a picture of how long.  This was 25 minutes.  I'm going way faster on here.  The treadmill was 2.5/3.0 speed because that's all my feet/knees could handle.  With the elliptical, I'm stable at 3.5 and I can push myself for a song into the 7s and 8s.  Slow and steady.

 

Resistance Level: 5

 

july1119.jpg

 

 

I believe this was 30 minutes.  Resistance Level: 6

 

july1519.jpg

 

Took the picture correctly.  Now it displays 40 minutes.  Also resistance level: 6.

 

july1619.jpg

 

Resistance level: 8

 

 

Also one of my goals was artwork so:

 

paintlori2.jpg

Me channeling my inner Bob Ross and dotting the surf on the rocks.

 

paintlori.jpg 

 

The curse of having resting bitch face even when you go painting with a beautiful woman and had a really nice time.

 

Also, I weighed myself and

 

HOE-LEE SHIT

 

I think I'm saving the number until the end of the challenge.  I'm kicking things into overdrive.

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13 hours ago, Teros said:

Also, I weighed myself and

 

HOE-LEE SHIT

I could tell from that last photo before you brought it up. You may be holding the canvas in front of your frame, but your face looks significantly... unbloated, is the best word I can come up with. And it's not just because of the reduction in hair and beard. Loving the side shave, by the way.

 

Keep up the good work!

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16 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

but your face looks significantly... unbloated

Agreed, Can believe it easily jumping up.

 

Also love the hair. 

You can tell that twinkle is in your eye and smile in that pic! 

 

Will be intwresting what you end at with goals for everything

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I pushed myself more Thursday at gym than I've done before.  I did level 9 / 45 min.  Tomorrow I'm hitting up the gym after work and I'm SO FUCKING ANTSY.  It's like my body realized this was a good way to spend my nervous energy so now it's pissed that I'm not doing it all the time.

 

Working out for me is exponential.  So the first 10 minutes suck and I'm in a LOT of physical pain (feet, knees, back, everything), but then the next 10 minutes feel better, the 10 minutes after that feel better, the 10 minutes after that feel better.

 

Creates an exercise loop where I don't want to *EVER* stop.  This is probably because I have an addictive personality.  What's better than 1 cookie?  2.  What's better than 2 cookies? 10.  What's better than 10?   The same can be said with games: What's better than playing a game for an hour? 5 hours.  What's better than being intimate for 20 minutes? Two hours.  Everything to me, is a tale of excess.  So much so that I don't know how to ever turn it off.  I have two modes:

Image result for uninterested obsessed

This would seem like a great thing if applied to a healthy habit as opposed to jacking off or eating cake.  I mean, more exercise means I get healthier.  The problem is that I might push myself too much.  This past Thursday when I did that level 9/45 minutes, I at one point was basically jogging at 11+ speed instead of my usual 3.5 - 5.0 that I vary with (based on song tempo usually).  My frame isn't meant to go THAT fucking fast.  I was like goddamn Sanic.

 

 

Keep in mind that I've only been working out for maybe a month in total.  My heart rate skyrocketed to 170ish  when I was able to grip the heart monitor things.  The thing is my muscles want MORE but the weight I'm carrying right now plus my heart rate is saying

image.jpeg

When I'm at a 'regular' exercise heart rate, it's in the 130/140 range to give it some perspective.  Regardless of all of this, I want to push myself more.  I feel.....drunk with power.  It's beyond frustrating that my legs are able to handle it but not the rest of me.  I want to get stronger.  I want to be better.  I want this fucking weight GONE forever because I'm sick of feeling and looking like this.  I'm tired of sweating all the time for no fucking reason.  I'm tired of all of the aches and pains when doing basic shit.  I'm tired of looking in the mirror and being disgusted with myself.  I want the confidence I had as I was losing weight.  I want money.  I want power.  I want prestige.  I want friends.  I want to make art.  I want to make a difference in the world.  I want purpose.  I want a perfect body.  I want a perfect heart.  I want a perfect soul.  I want to strive to become the absolute best.  I want to push myself to that maximum potential edge.  Run faster. Jump higher. Lift heavier.  I want to be an adonis with a heart of gold.  I...want to make myself proud of being myself.

 

I'm not expecting to drop a pound a day or something unrealistic; but what I do want is chartable and progressively better progress; moreso than I've shown in those end of workout photos.  I'm at a point in my life where I have a level of freedom to become the person I've wanted to be.  Prior to this, I felt shackled and muted by my mom, shackled and muted by my toxic enmeshed relationship with my ex.  I felt shackled the years I was in school.  Now that I have this open pathway and less and less to prove to others; I have more to prove to myself.

 

I need to show that I'm not all talk.  Plenty of people talk the talk but don't walk the walk.  They say, "Oh yeah, I need to lose a few pounds and I'm going to start going to the gym...." and trail off and you know deep down they aren't going to fucking do it.  They're going to dream a dream of being a better person instead of LIVING the dream.  I want to live that dream.

 

I saw a commercial yesterday and it struck me.  This is what I want in a partner.  This is what I need in a family.  This is what I need from friends:

 

 

I want people to earn my respect and push me to be more and do more.  That challenge to become better, progressively, in all facets; is what I need in my life.  I'm able to push myself far on my own.  Now I need there to be a foundation that also wants to push me even further.  Just when you think you can't get better, when you can't do anymore...do more.

 

I'm thinking of making a switch next challenge.

 

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1 hour ago, Teros said:

 

I'm thinking of making a switch next challenge.

Feel like there is going to be a class change...

 

Know the feeling of feeling good to go, can see your drive and it is inspiring! Hope it takes you to great places :)

 

 

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That commercial was great. But my mind went in a totally different direction with it, which really is the amazing thing about creative works. Thanks for sharing though.

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Damn! I probably wouldn't have recognized you if I tripped over you! Can't wait to see what you're going to change next!

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On 7/21/2019 at 8:19 PM, LovelyBouncer said:

Feel like there is going to be a class change...

 

Know the feeling of feeling good to go, can see your drive and it is inspiring! Hope it takes you to great places :)

 

Thanks :)

 

On 7/21/2019 at 8:51 PM, Nova Aquarii said:

But my mind went in a totally different direction with it

 

How so?  For me, I instantly thought how competition creates betterment for me.

 

On 7/22/2019 at 9:44 AM, Snarkyfishguts said:

Changes, hmmm?  What kind of changes? :D

 

*grabs popcorn*

 

I'm patient. 

 

Well part of it is I want to show it so I'll see when that's doable.

 

1 hour ago, RES said:

Damn! I probably wouldn't have recognized you if I tripped over you! Can't wait to see what you're going to change next!

 

Thank and honestly, probably not.  I shaved my neck today.  It's crazy.

--

 

So I have today's workout upload:

 

july2319.jpg

 

This is level 15 difficulty.  I don't know how far this goes up to but based on how hard I'm pushing, I can't imagine many more levels.  I've actually never gone this high on the elliptical before.  When I went to the gym years ago, the highest level I did was 10 and then after a bit I got bored and did other machines.

 

 

Also:

july23192.jpg  

Image result for devil hand

 

It was really hard to try and time that to take the picture while I was on the machine.  If you go too slow, the elliptical thinks you're taking a break and will black out your stats so I had to do that while slugging through.

 

I haven't hit all of my goals this challenge yet but there's still a few days left...

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So much respect for these pics now due to the maneuvering when you have pushed yourself!

 

6 hours ago, Teros said:

 

I haven't hit all of my goals this challenge yet but there's still a few days left...

Raaa! May you hit them all!

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All my life, I've tried to do what I felt was the right thing.  There was a long time where I didn't know how I should go about doing that - what path I was supposed to take.  I've spent the overwhelming majority of my life being and feeling alone and filled with hatred of myself.  Feeling like I wasn't understood or cared about.

 

I try to check in on people.  I try to get some updates.  I try to be there for when they need me.  I try to offer supportive and solid advice.  In the end, I'm left without getting that same good feeling from others that I try to give to them.  I remember when I played diablo 2 for a long time and I built up a huge friends list - all people that I cared about and trusted.  It went from casual conversation about the game to people opening up about more serious stuff.  People talking to me about suicide, about depression, anxiety, about not fitting in, about feeling lost and confused.  I was always thanked and told that I helped them a lot.  However, when I feel like I need to rely on others; it becomes a one-way street.  When I was here on NF in full force, I had dozens of people I was checking on and who I cared about deeply.  I felt that I was doing the right thing.  It *felt* right to be empowering.  To challenge negative thoughts.  To listen and read and have thoughtful answers to questions.  And it paid off - in quantity of people that were supportive of me and the quality of support that I was given.  This place gives you back what you put in.  I felt like I had found a second family in these challenges.

 

Yet, I feel like I fall short and that I'm never good enough.  I could be doing more; always more. When people trip and fall, I take it almost personally.  I'm not trying to be judgemental in the sense that people aren't good.  But I feel hurt.  When people are doing bad, I feel it.  When they fail, I feel like I fail.  I want people to be happy. I want people to succeed.  I want the best for everyone.

 

I... feel like I failed with Her.  And I'm trying really really hard not to get choked up and have this take me to a dark place. 

 

I've been thinking all day and how I did my best with Her.  What else was I supposed to do?  I was open and honest with how I felt.  I showed unconditional love.  I forgave mistakes.  I waited for years.  I lent a hand every time it was ever even suggested as something to do.  I was eager and willing to love, and care, and help.  I did the best I could by trying to educate, by giving thoughtful answers, even if it hurt me deep inside since it conjured up my own shortcoming, insecurities, and pain.  I did all of that, for so long; because I knew She was worth it.  Because I felt that given her life, she deserved someone in her corner that was always there for her and I wanted to be that person.  I wanted that relationship of both people empowering each other.

 

And I was neglected.

 

I was ignored.  I was told to wait and I respected that. Again. And again. And again.  I would worry and assume the worst - all I ever needed was the slightest assurance that She was ok.  And I wasn't even given that most of the time.  I put my love life on hold for Her, because She was the only person I wanted to be with.  The only woman that had everything I was looking for. 

 

But you know what I needed?  My love reciprocated.  And it wasn't.  At the start, that first few months; it absolutely was.  And then when things got difficult for Her, She ran away; abandoning me.  She couldn't handle what was happening in life.  And I did my best and forgave and forgave and forgave.  I tried to see the possible scenarios through Her eyes and gave Her the benefit of the doubt time after time, as month after month dragged on.  And when I learned of what happened to her, I gave all of my sympathy and understanding.  It didn't lessen the love I had for Her: it strengthened it.  More than ever, I was invested.  I did whatever she asked - I would avoid topics if she couldn't bear to talk about them yet. I gave Her insight as to what was going on with me and possibly created scenarios that might be going on with her.  I helped her process how she was feeling because She at times admitted that she wasn't even sure how she felt: it was all a confusing mess.  I went above and beyond in terms of the intensity and effort and length of time to cater to her and help her.  Moreso than I would have done for others.  Although it pained me to play by Her rules, I did it anyway because I was trying to be respectful. Because I was being patient.

 

And when I look at all of this, what was I getting at all?  The hope for something to happen later?  The potential for something better?  I wasn't even given the breadcrumbs I desperately needed like a weekly message from her just checking in with me.  It was all one-sided: everything was for Her, nothing was ever for Me.  I was giving 100% and I was given 0%.  There was no 50-50 healthy exchange where both parties are mutually befitting.  There was no symbiotic betterment.  No synergy between two people.  This level of negligence bleeds into emotional abuse and manipulation.

 

For all that I've given, all that I want to teach and help; I can't force it on another person.  I can lend a helping hand and say that I'll be there, but I can't use that hand and drag someone kicking and screaming to better themselves against their own will.  I can't insist that I know what to do and then have them do it.  Instead, I have to patiently wait on the sidelines while they suffer and hope to god that eventually I'll feel fingertips touch mine.  And they don't.  She doesn't want my help, because if she did then there have been YEARS of me offering it.  She said something telling around April of this year; noting that she has realized she has wasted a lot of time because of how much she hated herself.  That would sound like progress, but what is progress if you understand a concept but you don't apply it?  What worth do words have when actions contradict them?  What is the point if you continue to stagnate and don't change and grow?  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting different results.

 

I think that everyone deserves the tools available for them to become the best person they can be.  Outside of that, everything else falls on their shoulders.  If they try and fail, fall, give up, or keep plugging away: that's their choice.  They can't choose ignorance once they are enlightened.  I've spent years trying to help, to teach, to enlighten, to support.  If She doesn't want to take that information and use that to push herself forward, then that's her choice.

 

I think that deep down, I want to be recognized that I gave it all I could.  I need to know that there was nothing else I could do to help Her, to save Her.  It feels like it falls on me: like I wasn't good enough to help Her get out of wherever she is trapped and that I failed somehow, some way.  But I didn't.  I did the most I possibly could have.

 

I remember Her telling me that if the roles were reversed, that She wouldn't have waited if She was treated the way I was treated by Her.  In the fall, She told me that She hoped my faith in her wasn't misplaced.  I have to stop this mindset that I'm in.  She chooses hate over love.  She chooses loneliness over intimacy.  She chooses fear over confidence.  She chooses to not be the valkyrie I fell in love with every day that she shuts me out.  Lyn, please make the right choice for both our sakes.

 

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I can't imagine anything else that you could do in this situation.  As I recall, she said that she was interested, but she also wanted to win the war within herself before having a relationship.  It leads me to suspect a few possibilities.  1.  She's struggling hard and doesn't know how to open up, and doesn't seem to be able to with coaching or help from someone she's trying to be open to.  2. She's not being straight about being interested, but is someone who thinks what she is saying is clear enough to tell you to move on.  3. She's openly said she's not interested and you somehow totally missed it.

 

The third seems unlikely.  Those first two, though, seem quite possible.  Some people are emotional vampires and just don't give much back.  Maybe that'll change someday, but you have emotional needs today.  This isn't a hard period of a few weeks or a month or two and then she starts to give back hard to you, ultimately evening it out.  She's not at a point she can be in a relationship, and it probably isn't something you can fix.  (Even if it appears that you can fix things, I've found that's often a sign of a developing codependency).  

 

You are a great guy.  You're smart, sensitive, and strong. You're loyal.  You deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who can give back to you.  I sometimes worry that you allow the locus of control to drift into someone else's hands, and in this case it’s hers.  She may not be able to make the choice you want her to make, or anything in general right now.  You can do everything right and still end up with the short stick.  Even if there is more that you could have done, this isn't even a relationship in which the other person gives or has even made a committment or show of loyalty to you.  Keep that in mind.  If you were in a long-term relationship, or married, or had a family with her, it makes sense (to me) to stick it out based on that committmetn and oath of loyalty (especially for marriage and family together).  BUT. She hasn't.  And I suspect that part of why she doesn't want a relationship until she's figured her stuff out is that she doesn't feel she has anything to give, and thus won't.  

 

Loyalty is the hardest lesson I've learned in life.  I've always been loyal, and to a fault. But without showing some discretion, loyalty can harm you and harm others that you're loyal to as well.  It's worth asking, how much do you value your loyalty, and should you be looking for someone else to exercise it with?  I do know that this is unhealthy, and that this is not the kind of relationship you've talked about wanting.  Her choices, and perhaps issues causing those choices, mean she's not the kind of person you want to be with.  Maybe she was.  Maybe someday, she will be.  But someday is awfully vague.  And maybe, it's a journey she has to take alone.

 

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If she really wanted to be with you, she would be with you.  You’ve made your feelings very clear, and she’s telling you in a very wishy washy way that she doesn't feel the same way. It is time to say a mental thank you to her for opening your heart to love and possibilities and let her go. Take some time to heal, and accept that you did absolutely NOTHING to cause this outcome, and that you will find someone who will give back what you give. But you gotta take some time to heal, man, and get your shit together. I believe in you!

 

Edited to add:

 

you’re a great guy. You deserve great. Thats not your imagination. :) :love_heart:

 

 

 

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