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Teros

Teros 55: Duty

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I know a lot of people gave the end of Game of Thrones the middle finger because of it's shoddy writing and becoming a shitshow; but there was one thing that was said towards the end that really really stuck with me in the conversations of the final season:

 

 

I've been in a really tumultuous area inside my headspace as of late.  About two months ago, I deleted some 50+ contacts off my phone.  Then two weeks ago, I deleted another 25.  I'm trying really hard to not repeat the same mistakes when it comes to people but I end up giving them the benefit of the doubt and in the end, I'm screwed and feel worse than if I never invested in them to begin with.  As school ended, I started to deal with a lot of heavy things on my mind that were somewhat put on the back-burner because school had to come first.  Now, as I purge all the stuff I have and reshape my environment, I feel like that needs to happen with what/who I want to be with and what/who I am.  I have a duty to work on myself first and foremost, at the behest of anyone and anything else.

 

I'm sorry if this comes of maybe a bit vague but it's hard not to be since what I'm thinking has become so all-encompassing.  I ended things with Walacita, a woman who I really liked but I knew deep down that there wasn't a serious future with.  I have pushed Jaime away, relegating our time together as a couple hours a week for a date night or two and that's it (whereas I used to basically live with her a few days a week, slept over her house most nights, and stayed with her every free moment I had while I was in school).  These two decisions that I've made have had a ripple-effect on my thoughts and feelings about people in general, hence all the deleting.  My free time a couple months ago was about 90% spending time with people and now it's more like 10% of my free time is that.

Image result for delete matt hardy

 

I started seeing a therapist back in December and while I don't think I get much out of it, he noted how huge it was that I took these actions with Walacita and Jaime.  Putting people where they need to be with having boundaries and not waxing and waning on them has been a huge struggle for me.  I should have done these two actions months ago but again, I fully blame school for sapping any energy or motivation from my life.  The pool of people that I associate with now, according to my phone's conversation log, is about 17 people I have talked to in the past month.  Maybe for some people that may seem high, or low, idk, but comparatively; there were like 88 conversations prior to this massive deleting.  I'm just sick of investing time and effort in people that just don't seem worth it.  I want quality and it seems that's pretty fucking rare so who knows - maybe I'll delete more.

 

With the social stuff out of the way, I wanted to look at what I've been doing since school ended.  My mom died in January and I've been cleaning and organizing and moving for at least 8 hours a day, every single day, regardless of work, for the past two months.  Here's what I've done:

 

 

The Deck:

*Pack-sort-clean the Deck

*Sweep the floor

*Wash the floor by hand

*Wash the walls

*Peel/scrape all the old tape off the windowsills

*Sweep the floor again

*Puff-paint each color onto the walls

*Move all art supplies into room

 

The Living Room:

*Pack-sort-clean the Living Room

*Move all furniture into old Mom's Room

*Vacuum the floor

*BREAK vacuum

*BREAK second vacuum

*Rent a rug doctor

*Steam-clean the floor

*Steam-clean it again, wtf

*Steam-clean it a third time, Jesus Christ

*Take all the pictures down and pull out the nails

*Wash the walls

*Take down the curtains

*Put down drop cloths

*Set up the painter's tape-double-width

*Primer the room

*Paint the first coat

*Paint the second coat

*Paint touch-ups

*Move the entertainment center stuff upstairs to this room

*Move the loveseat from downstairs outside, around the house, and into the room

*Move sister's loveseat from her side of the house into the room

*Move the mastermind chair around a 180 degree turn and up the stairs by myself

*Hook up the game systems, roku, tv, etc.

*Find old Wii

*Buy new Wii cords

*Remove the game stuck in the console

*Return the cords

*Set up the curtain rods

*Build a footstool

*Build an end-table

*Take sister's smaller end-table

*Clean off an old broken jewelry box and turn it into a candle-holder

 

Side-Room:

*Pack-sort-clean the Side-Room (Use for mom's stuff)

*Remove everything out of the room

*Vacuum the floor

*Stack all pack-sorted things from floor-to-ceiling in orderly fashion

*Wash all of mom's laundry (THIRTY LOADS OF LAUNDRY)

*Fold all laundry

*Donate all laundry

 

Mom's Room:

*Pack-sort-clean old Mom's Room (Use for furniture/donations)

*Remove all the pissed-on wads of paper towel, random cat shit, kitty litter bits, plastic gloves, paper towels, toilet paper, soaps, cleaning supplies and put them all where they belong

*Vacuum the room

*Move all large furniture pieces that are going for donation:  Entertainment center, hutch, oriental desk, oriental chair, desk, three white tables, wooden table, bed/frame, two bureaus, round end-table, square end-table, rocking chair, two lamps

*Wash all blankets/sheets

*Donate blankets/sheets

 

Bathroom:

*Pack-sort-clean the Bathroom

*Sweep the floor

*Wash the floor

*Wash the toilet

*Empty out under the sink

*Sort all cleaners

*Put all cleaners away

*Go through all cosmetic things

*Stack up hundreds of boxes of tissue and toilet paper

*Empty the closet

*Pack away all tissues, gloves, toilet paper, paper towels, soaps, and more

*Clean out the medicine cabinet

*Wash the walls

*Wash the floor again

*Wash all the towels (8 loads)

*Sort the towels

*Donate towels - keep 10 total

*Go to the beach to collect shells

*Wash shells

*Make decorative shell-bottle

*Paint walls

*Puff-paint walls overcoat

*Set up light/picture/decorations

*Wash shower/tub

*Wash shower/tub again

*Set up new shower curtain/liner

 

Kitchen:

*Pack-sort-clean the Kitchen

*Wash the floor

*Wash the cabinets

*Empty the food cabinets

*Donate food

*Empty fridge

*Wash fridge

*Wash stove

*Wash countertop

*Throw out toaster

*Empty out mini-fridge downstairs and move all stuff into the kitchen fridge

*Wash floor again because of garbage and crap everywhere

*Organize/sort all of the dish sets, silverware

*Empty the bottom cabinets

*Wash all the dish sets and silverware (about 20+ hours of dishes)

*Throw out dishes, bags, boxes, and garbage

*Find mouse nest and thousands of turds underneath the kitchen sink and clean it out by hand

*Find mouse nest in the small bag cabinet and clean it out

*Pack away all mugs

*Wash floor again because of all the mouse shit everywhere

*Empty the utensil drawers which ALSO had mouse shit in it

*Pull out utensil drawers and wash

*Wash out all the cabinet shelves

*Put away kitchen sets

*Move all spices and kitchenware stuff upstairs

 

Dining Room:

*Pack-sort-clean the Dining Room

*Pack away all of the glass-ware in the hutch

*Wash the glass-ware that I'll be keeping

*Move hutch

*Find a mouse nest under the hutch and clean it up

*Swap dining room set with sister (table and chairs)

*Vacuum

*Steam clean again, and again, and again

*Set down drop cloths

*Wash walls

*Set up painter's tape double-width

*Prime walls

*Paint top half

*Second coat top half

*Mix top-half paint and Living Room paints together to get a muted complimentary color

*Paint bottom half

*Second coat bottom half

*Move old entertainment center corner-piece over to corner

*Clean old entertainment center corner

*Set up glass door and glass shelves

*Hang up decorations

*Wash dining room table and chairs

 

Hallway:

*Pack-sort-clean the Hallway

*Move everything out of the Hallway

*Move all the furniture through

*Move all of sister's pantry stuff to the Hallway and old Mom's Room

*Vacuum

 

For those keeping score, this is an itemized list of 131 tasks that I had to do.  Some of them took 20 minutes.  Some of them took 20 hours.  But finally, besides the white trim that I'm going to do in each of the rooms, I'm FINALLY FUCKING DONE.  I will have before/after pictures that I'm going to upload.  Tomorrow is a double-shift so it will probably be Thursday that I'll be able to show off what I've spent literally hundreds of hours working on these past two months.

 

With that, my actual challenge:

 

Whole+ - I'm a matter of days away from completing a successful Whole30.  This might be the first Whole30 I was able to complete in well over two years of struggling and it's no wonder why: school isn't eating my fucking soul anymore.  My plan after completion of my 30 days is to just keep going.  I don't want to fuck up anymore.  I'm tired of getting lax and then regaining weight, only to have the cycle continue.  It usually goes:  whole30->slight cheat->more cheats->eating garbage->depression kicks in->anxiety kicks in->self-loathing kicks in->feel suicidal->hate myself->attempt to get my shit together with another whole30->fuck up and dep/anx/suicidal feelings get magnified->try again and fail->try again and fail->Whole30 sticks->I feel great->Whole30 ends->slight cheat.  REPEAT.  So this time I'm doing Whole+ for the entire challenge.

 

I'm done with this cycle.  Whole30 and NF are the two best things that have ever happened to me and it's time to fucking show it and stick with it, rather than having this half-assed attitude.  The past 4 years, I've had school to blame for soaking up any sort of energy.  The past two months of busting my ass, I can finally show off what I've been doing.  And with this massive overhaul cleaning project coming to an end, it's time to push myself in terms of fitness and activity here on NF.

 

Workouts - So I have my eating on point and everything is falling into place, but I don't know what is reasonable.  I don't want to think, "Oh yeah, 2 hours on the elliptical" and then fuck up my knee and be on the shelf for a month and lose all this eating progress I've made (because an injury will make me spiral into a depression: it always has).  I'm going to start the challenge with hitting the gym 3 times a week.  I work doubles on Wednesdays and Fridays so that just won't happen. I have enough time to shower, eat, and get ready between jobs.  I also hate going to the gym when it's busy so the weekends are ehhhhh.  I'm saving weekends for the little bit of socializing that I do.  This leaves me with Monday/Tuesday/Thursday as my workout days.  All of this cleaning and moving for the past couple of months has been hell on me physically and I would honestly consider it to be workouts.  I could do some walking on the weekends but I want to see my baseline for the gym FIRST before I start adding weekend workouts to the mix.

Artwork - With the deck now being converted into an art room, it's time to start getting some serious self-care going.  I have about 10 projects that have been started but not finished so my plan is to try and finish two projects, as well as start some writing for Bellmyst.

 

Study - I found out yesterday that I got an incomplete on my very last class and when I checked, it's because I needed to do a revision of a paper that I was told was fine so.... I still technically have a tiny tiny tiny bit of schoolwork left.  I was swearing for about an hour but after I calmed down, I realized I need to just get it done and over with.  I also need to start doing practice tests for the LCSW exam.  By the end of the challenge, I want the paper done and some form of 3x week studying habit implemented.

 

NF - I spent last challenge getting into the routine of posting on my thread regularly.  I was being serious when I said NF and Whole30 were the best things to happen in my life so it's time to show it.  This challenge, I'm going to try and keep up with at least 3 people's threads and then increase that number every week.  So 3 people next week when the challenge starts.  Then 4 people the week after, 5, 6, etc; until I'm back into my old NF ways.  I want my fucking crown back.

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Now that school is over, I'd be super happy if you restarted an accountability RPG group.... just saying.

 

I can't believe how much stuff you've gotten done. I've seen pictures of the in between, so I think it'll be cool to see the final outcome!

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Following again.

 

18 hours ago, Teros said:

For those keeping score, this is an itemized list of 131 tasks that I had to do

You, sir, have been very productive these last couple of months :) 

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Dude, going through school and cleaning out and fixing up a house after a close relative dies is effin Herculean. I cleaned out both my grandparents houses after they passed, and there were a lot of day when I’d come home,  drink vodka cranberries, eat chips, and just say “WTF WAS THAT?” Especially after finding the JARS OF SLUDGE that once had food? In it. God I hope it was food at some point. Or the day I literally scraped and scrubbed smears shit off the floor and played the game of “cat or people shit?” 

Every home has a WTF moment. Usually several. You have survived and slayed the hordes of house 

 

And now that your list is checked off you have more time and energy for what you want to be doing!  I am SO excited for you. I hope you have some fun this challenge!

 

 

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I see now why you were so curious what work needed to be done on our new house. Glad you got so much done. I long for that feeling.

 

Following. Let me know if I can help in any way.

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So I didn't want to seem like I ditched or anything.  Today is my double shift.  I was trying to upload pictures yesterday but I had to get them off my phone (ended up taking a picture with my laptop's camera of my photos so they're going to look kind of 'meh') and have edited them down.  I'm hoping tomorrow to get them on CubeUpload since photobucket is a piece of shit.

 

Besides that, everything has been going along pretty well.  I ended up sleeping WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY late on Thursday. So much so that it fucked me up for the day.  I would like to food shop and batch cook tomorrow morning and upload food pics and the remodeling/painting pics all at once.  

 

I'm supposed to be going to a Brazilian festival tomorrow evening with Wally - seems everything is fine with the friend-zoning that I did a couple weeks back and she just needed to adjust.  Eating is going strong.  I think whole30 techincally ends Monday or Tuesday.  It's tough because I had so many false starts that I stopped trying to count days and then one day it just clicked and took hold.  4th of july I might 'celebrate' by having a hot dog or something but I'm not going to cheat and go down that slippery slope.  Sticking with whole+.

 

Sunday should be when I work on my stupid paper.  I just checked my email and I haven't heard back from my teacher so fingers crossed that all I need to do is fix these dumb tweaks.

 

Hope everyone is having a good day!  It's like 100 degrees and humid and I want to die.  The evening job I'm about to head to doesn't have ac.

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1 hour ago, Teros said:

So I didn't want to seem like I ditched or anything.  Today is my double shift.  I was trying to upload pictures yesterday but I had to get them off my phone (ended up taking a picture with my laptop's camera of my photos so they're going to look kind of 'meh') and have edited them down.  I'm hoping tomorrow to get them on CubeUpload since photobucket is a piece of shit.

Stuff I want to post on the forums I upload to Imgur and just set the posts to "hidden" then right click and copy the image link. When I paste that in to a forum post here it auto embeds the image.

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2 hours ago, Teros said:

It's like 100 degrees and humid and I want to die.

 

Not quite 100 here, but not far from it (about 95); I worked outside helping pour a concrete footer this morning and mowed two lawns, so it felt more like 100.

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On 6/28/2019 at 4:26 PM, WolfDreamer said:

 

Not quite 100 here, but not far from it (about 95); I worked outside helping pour a concrete footer this morning and mowed two lawns, so it felt more like 100.

 

It’s the upper 90s with a heat index of 107 here. I’m rewiring a trailer after the rigged wiring failed before we leave tomorrow. I just took the afternoon off and I’ll go out later after the sun chills out. Working over blacktop was awful. 

Edited by Sciread77
*reWiring
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Ok so I think the pictures should load.  Here we go!

 

First up is going to be all the before pictures.  Some are out of order when they were loaded:

 

Here is the side-room

Side2.jpg

 

Side1.jpg

 

Mom's room:

Mom12.jpg

 

Mom11.jpg 

 Mom10.jpg

 

Mom9.jpg

Mom8.jpg

 Mom7.jpg

Mom6.jpg

Mom5.jpg

Mom4.jpg

Mom3.jpg

Mom2.jpg

Mom1.jpg

 

Side room cleaned up a bit:

Side3.jpg

 

All of this stuff is combined or thrown out.  There's some boxes like this last picture and a few pieces of furniture in the red-carpeted room.

Onto the mess that was the kitchen:

Kitchen11.jpg

This was behind the toaster over. You can see the little black square in the far left of the counter: that's one of the feet of the toaster that SNAPPED OFF because the filth was stuck on so bad:

 

Kitchen10.jpg

Kitchen9.jpg

 

Kitchen8.jpg

Kitchen7.jpg

 

Kitchen6.jpg

 

Kitchen5.jpg

 

Kitchen4.jpg

 

Kitchen3.jpg

 

Rat nests....everywhere....

 

Kitchen2.jpg

 

Kitchen1.jpg

 

Dining2.jpg

 

Dining4.jpg

 

Dining3.jpg 

 

Dining1.jpg

 

The Deck:

Deck5.jpg

 

Deck4.jpg

 

Just fucking empty milk containers lined around.  Why? Who fucking knows...  Just garbage.

 

Deck3.jpg

 

 This was after I started making progress.  Things were worse than the pictures show.  You can see things are just randomly strewn about and stacked onto each other.  I found a cat shit in a plastic solo cup that was inside the glass entertainment center.  I found plastic shopping bags filled with paper towel was was stained yellow and smelled like dog piss.  See all those peanut shells and black specks?  Those were shredded garbage used as mouse nests and thousands of mouse turds everywhere.

 

So as I'm pack-sorting everything, here's the middle of the journey:

 

HallDine1.jpg

 

Dining room emptied out and white coat added:

Dining5.jpg

 

Living3.jpg

 

Living4.jpg

 

Living2.jpg

 

 

Living1.jpg

 

This last picture is what the living room was like.  The couch my mom died on was directly in front of those big main windows.  Thankfully was able to donate that.  I never wanted to ever see that couch again.

Bathroom1.jpg

All the random fucking toilet paper, paper towel, tissues, and rubber throw-away gloves....

 

 

Bathroom2.jpg

 

Tissues from literally the floor to the ceiling.

 

 

Bathroom3.jpg

 

And now, here's what it's like now:

 

 

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Now:

 

This picture glows-

Bathroom5.jpg

And this is the bathroom now:

 

Bathroom6.jpg

 

And here is the hallway/dining room:

din33.jpg

 

  The living room:

 

liv34.jpg

liv33.jpg

 

  liv35.jpg

Living7.jpg

 

liv36.jpg

 

 Oh, here was what the carpet looked like with all the piss soaked in:

Living5.jpg

 

The set of dishes that I'm keeping- I got rid of the rest:

Kitchen12.jpg

 

  And here's the deck which now is the art room:

 

Deck6.jpg

Deck7.jpg

 

Deck8.jpg

 Deck9.jpg

  Deck10.jpg

 

 

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I started back up at the gym this week and I weighed myself for the first time since my doctor's appointment in May.  I've lost ...

 

17 Pounds

 

...so far.  Being on whole30 and keeping busy with constant cleaning and moving for the past month-and-a-half has shown some great results.  Now that the upstairs is all done (besides painting white trim in some rooms), I can use the 8+ hours a day that I was spending on those projects to instead move into the next phase.  So here's the plan moving forward for me, in general:

 

Regarding Eating - Whole+.  4th of July I'm having some cheese on my burgers and that's it.  Back to starting a new whole30.  After I do another full one, I'll take a couple days off and try some cheese or rice, then hop back on because I'll realize that shit like that isn't that good anyways.  Do that until I drop to 200 lb, and then rethink a new way of eating.  Possible options are Pescatarian or Vegetarian.

 

Related image

 

 

Regarding Exercise - I started doing my walks at the gym.  Build up resistance over the summer while it's hot and fucking gross out.  Upgrade from walking, to elliptical, to the arc machines which would burn like 3k calories.  In the fall, cancel the gym membership and go balls-deep into my MMA that I was doing.  I will have built up enough conditioning that I should be able to handle 2x week for MMA.  I need to learn how to fight if I'm going to become Batman.  Once I do that during the fall, in the winter I'll stick with the MMA 2x week but start adding some serious heavy lifting.  Classic 5x5 or something close to that.  Then it's onto conquering obstacles courses like a motherfucker.

Image result for batman

 

 

Regarding Work - Work my two part-time jobs of the market and the homeless shelter.  Study this summer for the LCSW.  Pass that in the Fall and then start doing fee-for-service at a couple of different agencies (I have a connection at one of the places).  Once I pick up a couple clients, cut down some of those part-time jobs.  Start replacing every 3 hours of part-time job for 1 hour of counseling (because I'm going to be making 3x the amount).  Once I have a solid caseload, earn the rest of my counseling hours and in about 2 years, apply for my LICSW and then have my own private practice and make double what I'm making.  Possible other option: 1)Contact PeaceLove scientist and see about getting involved with study and art-therapy with clients. 2)Contact my old bachelor's college and see if I can work with people with TBI (traumatic brain injuries) and learn the neuroscientist aspect of it. 3)Look more heavily into a Neurofeedback agency and try to get involved with that.   Regardless, I'll be making roughly 4-5x what I make per hour in about 3ish years.

 

Image result for therapist

 

Regarding Women - Planned date-hangouts with JJ.  Friendzoned and hang out with Wally.  Talk to Abbey and Annie and see if they can also be friendzoned or date-hangout.  In the fall, find out WTF is going on with *Her* since she's who I really want to be with.

 

Image result for sexy ladies

 

Regarding Extracurricular Activities - Starting up writing Bellmyst campaign for creative writing.  Playing through Dark Souls 1/2/3 and catching up on some good games I missed during the past couple years because of school.  In the fall, start up Bellmyst and start writing next chapter of RPG Fanatics, as well as getting more into painting.  In the winter, go balls-deep into painting and start up guitar.  See what I feel up for next.

Image result for poe writing

Image result for bob ross

 

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If you know who you want to be with, why you dating these other women?

 

You have some really awesome plans for the future and from the little I know of you, I know that you are not going to shy away from the work needed to get it done. I have no doubt you will succeed. Unsolicited advice:  I will only caution that you take time to really process whats happened in your life, and take the time to make sure you’re okay. Speaking from my experience. It is really easy to set aside ramifications of sickness, loss, and other stressors in pursuit of the next milestone. To ignore what is happening in your own emotional and mental health to focus on helping others. Just remember that taking care of your mental health is essential to being an effective helper. It will catch up to you if you ignore it, and it will be horrible. 

 

And if you are doing that, wonderful! I’m just cautioning not to be critical, but because I wish someone had told me this 15 years ago. Go for all of it. Be amazing. Just make sure you’re taken care of too. :cupcake:

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2 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

If you know who you want to be with, why you dating these other women?

It's not by choice.

 

The short story:

 

I fell in love with a woman a couple years ago.  She was everything I ever wanted.  She challenged me sexually, emotionally, and physically.  She was smart, interesting, confident, strong, and I was enraptured.  We were supposed to meet but she injured herself during crossfit.  She started being more and more distant.  She disappeared for basically 2 years, only saying a sentence or two.  I became concerned and deeply hurt by this rejection but I didn't know what to do: anytime I tried to probe to find out information, I was given the cold shoulder. After a while of being really depressed, I felt a huge void and I wanted to make some friends.  Cue the online dating. I didn't WANT someone else - I just wanted to not feel alone and hurt anymore.  Disaster after disaster.  As this is happening, I have a nightmare about *Her* where she's yelling at me and blaming me and I'm just crying.  I wake up in a cold sweat and text her.  By this point, she sends a message once a month so I'm not expecting a response.  She texts me that day, saying that I did nothing wrong and no matter what, I needed to know that.  I call her right away and.... she has cancer.  She has to go for two rounds of chemo and a hysterectomy.  We talk on the phone and cry and cry, but she had to go to her doctor's appointment.

 

Since this, we've talked in random spurts.  She said that she pushed me away before because she thought it was the best option: she thought she was going to die and I would forget about her and find someone else.  She said I deserved to be happy.  She didn't understand I want to be happy with her...

 

She mentioned that she wants to bring her A-game, and that I deserve the best version of herself.  And also she needs to take of herself first before she can be in a relationship, so she told me that she needed until the summer (this was back in September).

 

Well, it's 4th of July.  It's fucking summer.  And she's still quiet.  Her last message was 2 weeks ago, stating that she is 'waiting on results' she 'has no control over' and isn't ready to talk about it yet.  I fear the worst.  Deep down I'm terrified that the woman I fell in love with will die.

 

And so, there's other women I spend time with.  If I focus on what might be happening, I will fall into a really deep depression.  I can't stress enough: she's everything I ever wanted and more.  All the women I talk to pale in comparison to her.

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14 hours ago, Teros said:

In the fall, start up Bellmyst and start writing next chapter of RPG Fanatics

Def looking forward to this :) 

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6 hours ago, Teros said:

It's not by choice.

 

The short story:

 

I fell in love with a woman a couple years ago.  She was everything I ever wanted.  She challenged me sexually, emotionally, and physically.  She was smart, interesting, confident, strong, and I was enraptured.  We were supposed to meet but she injured herself during crossfit.  She started being more and more distant.  She disappeared for basically 2 years, only saying a sentence or two.  I became concerned and deeply hurt by this rejection but I didn't know what to do: anytime I tried to probe to find out information, I was given the cold shoulder. After a while of being really depressed, I felt a huge void and I wanted to make some friends.  Cue the online dating. I didn't WANT someone else - I just wanted to not feel alone and hurt anymore.  Disaster after disaster.  As this is happening, I have a nightmare about *Her* where she's yelling at me and blaming me and I'm just crying.  I wake up in a cold sweat and text her.  By this point, she sends a message once a month so I'm not expecting a response.  She texts me that day, saying that I did nothing wrong and no matter what, I needed to know that.  I call her right away and.... she has cancer.  She has to go for two rounds of chemo and a hysterectomy.  We talk on the phone and cry and cry, but she had to go to her doctor's appointment.

 

Since this, we've talked in random spurts.  She said that she pushed me away before because she thought it was the best option: she thought she was going to die and I would forget about her and find someone else.  She said I deserved to be happy.  She didn't understand I want to be happy with her...

 

She mentioned that she wants to bring her A-game, and that I deserve the best version of herself.  And also she needs to take of herself first before she can be in a relationship, so she told me that she needed until the summer (this was back in September).

 

Well, it's 4th of July.  It's fucking summer.  And she's still quiet.  Her last message was 2 weeks ago, stating that she is 'waiting on results' she 'has no control over' and isn't ready to talk about it yet.  I fear the worst.  Deep down I'm terrified that the woman I fell in love with will die.

 

And so, there's other women I spend time with.  If I focus on what might be happening, I will fall into a really deep depression.  I can't stress enough: she's everything I ever wanted and more.  All the women I talk to pale in comparison to her.

This makes sense. I hope it all works out for you both. 

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here, following, and holy crap what a list!!

so proud of you and what you've accomplished!

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It's almost 1am.  I can't sleep.

 

 

I'm tired of everything feeling like a rehash.  I find myself stuck in an eternal loop; the same familiar and stinging problems always rearing their head.  It feels like, despite what I've gotten done, that I'm in a perpetual groundhog day.  I'm struck with dread.  What gives my life meaning?

 

I think everyone wants to feel like their life has meaning. Purpose is what drives us.  Through love of others, duty to a higher cause, focus on creating or furthering an agenda: finding our place, our home in the vast expanse of the cosmos.  Everything ever done from humanity has existed on this blue speck of dust in a massive sandstorm of abyss.

 

I answer the questions that I have to assuage my anxiety but there are times, like now, that it doesn't seem to satisfy.  My itch hasn't been scratched: nay it's made worse by answers that normally would make me feel relieved.  Such as:  What am I doing with my life?  I'm getting a career in social work and I'm going to help empower people to be their best selves.  On most days, this is enough.  Tonight: it's not.  What do I want out of a partner?  Equality and a challenge; someone that is becoming better and that betterment spurs me on to achieve greater things.  Tonight: not enough.  Who am I?  A son without a mother; a kind, caring, considerate person that has felt a lot of pain and who doesn't want anyone else to ever feel needless suffering; a person that's creative, passionate, intelligent, and ambitious.  Tonight: not....enough.

 

Why do I get like this?  Why are these moments in life where I feel like I've pulled away the curtain to the Wizard of Oz.  The majority of the time, I can accept the giant powerful Oz but then there are times where that's not enough.  My own philosophy falls apart, holes extend through it like swiss cheese, and I doubt my very existence.

 

I want to love.  I want to be loved.  I want to feel and not think...

 

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