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iatetheyeti

iatetheyeti: never ready

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I’ve been delaying a return to putting up challenges for fear of not being ready for it. After a critical disaster in January I withdrew from the world, determined that I wasn’t ready to rejoin it. February, March, and April passed with those same whispers. Not ready, not ready. And then May came, and I had no choice but to jump back in. Still that little voice whispered that I wasn’t ready, and I listened to it. Maybe that’s why I handled things so badly, and maybe it’s not.

 

That voice isn’t going to stop.

 

And I’m never going to be ready.

 

But I need to do it anyway.

 

After some thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to find some kind of balance, and so I’ve come to the Druids in hopes of finding it. I’m not bothering with any ambitious or even long term goals, I just want to be able to reclaim my ability to live day to day.


 

Food

Right now the most important thing is ensuring I eat regularly and often. I’ve made some good headway with this over the past month, and now I’d like to keep the momentum going and build in an extra step to ensure it keeps rolling.

 

  • Meal prep: Prep two meals in advance. Small steps to begin with. I don’t really do breakfast, so the focus will be on lunch and dinner. Done properly, it should keep me a day ahead, and if I have the energy/resources to do some extra prep then that’s no bad thing.

  • Hydration: 2L a day. This heat is killer. My inner heating/cooling system does not work very well. I don’t want to suffer any more than I already am and it is that, rather than any other health benefit, which makes this an essential goal.


 

Movement

At the moment I think I need to focus more on bringing movement into my (rather stagnant and stationary) day to day life rather than attempt to puzzle out some kind of proper workout schedule that I know full well I’ll struggle to adhere to.

 

  • Walking: Short walks, long walks, angry walks, sad walks, walks in the sun, and walks in the rain. Any kind of walking done outside of work, and preferably in a natural setting, will count. Walking should be done any day I’m not working a full day closing shift.

  • Stretching/mobility: I aim to get into the habit of stretching as soon as I get out of bed, partially in the hope that eventually my joints will stop sounding like a bowl of rice crispies first thing in the morning.

  • Yoga: Whenever I have a day off, I should attempt some kind of yoga routine. 

 

 

Mindset

Arguably the most challenging aspect of this here challenge, not to mention the one I’m having most difficulty in pinning down. I have a lot hanging over my head and a lot I need to work through.

 

  • Meditation: Varying kinds depending on the day in question. Something, however, should be done daily and the results recorded here.



 

These aren’t SMART goals by any stretch of the imagination. What they are is survival goals, for I have decided that that is what I would like to do. So I will. A lot of this is similar to what I’ve been doing for the past month or so, and I’m very slowly trying to shape those tiny steps forward into some proper discipline and good habits. 

 

I’m aiming to update at least three times a week to keep myself accountable.

 

 

 

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I know this path. Don't let fog, chaos, uncertainty or unreadiness stop you.

 

Going forward is enough, wherever forward may be. You've got this.

 

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14 hours ago, Jean said:

Going forward is enough, wherever forward may be.

 

That about sums it up. I'll figure things out in time, I just need to keep pushing on as best I can.

 

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Zero Week

Just prep work going on during this week. I gave a lot of thought to my reminders system today and in the end came up with a very basic tracker for my goals, an A4 sheet of paper, complete with some colourful lines and post-it notes, that will remain in place on my sofa. I will not miss it there considering that I kind of live on that sofa. I think that should be the memory part of things taken care of.

 

Also tried an extended meditation today. Sat myself up against a wall, blocked out the sounds of the street outside with some ambient forest noise, and made the best effort I could to calm my mind before focusing it on something I've been highly insecure and anxious about recently. Surprisingly I did in fact make some headway. So that method is going to stick around, and I do need to revisit the subject again (and again and again and again, most likely). I doubt it'd be sensible to do this particular one before going to sleep though, considering it took a while to dispel some of the lingering anxiety brought up. Maybe one to try first thing in the morning.

 

Second and final zero week update will likely be Sunday night, assuming I get away from work at a reasonable time. Otherwise, Monday.

 

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8 hours ago, zenLara said:

You know what they say... There's no such thing as ready...

Good luck with your survival goals :)

 

Thanks :)

 

And you're right, we've just got to get on and do it anyway.

 

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Zero Week

I've surprised myself in actually getting all of my prep work done. It feels strange, but I'm actually ready to kick things off properly tomorrow (just as well considering my shift starts at 6am and doesn't end until 5pm, leaving me with little free time). My tracker is as finished as it can get without the extra information I need, mainly my work schedule for the last two weeks of the challenge, my reminders are written down and in place (can't miss fluorescent orange post-its on the bathroom mirror even if I don't have my glasses on!), I have a list of different meditation ideas, and I even did some meal prep for tomorrow to ensure I don't need to expend willpower I likely won't have to try and make healthy food choices at the end of a long, long day.

 

I like to think I've set myself up for success. Time will tell.

 

There will be an update tomorrow with a rough plan for the week, and if I'm feeling up to it I'll venture out and have a nosy at other challenges (it will happen at some point next week, I just can't say when). After that, we'll see how it goes.

 

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8 hours ago, zenLara said:

:o

 

I know! We're short staffed and I'm the only person in the department who does overtime, so things like this happen frequently...

 

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Week One, Update One

Keeping this brief because I am basically a zombie right now.

 

Given the nature of today's shift I exempted myself from the walking and yoga goals, and will do so one every other full day solo shift that comes up during this challenge. Fortunately the other goals, namely stretching, hydration, and meal prep (very basic meal prep) were accomplished. Meditation will be saved for when I'm ready to head to bed as it will likely result in me falling asleep.

 

I don't have much of an overreaching plan for this coming week, and most of it revolves around trying to plan for next week. I have time booked off of work that I was originally going to use to head down south to volunteer at a Spartan race weekend. The way I see it, there are three possible options. First, I go. Second, I use the weekend to travel elsewhere. Third, and most likely, I do as I did in this situation last month and drop out, using the time to focus on myself and continued recovery. Each option has pros and cons, and although it's more than likely I'll take option three, I don't want to dismiss the others out of hand. So some thought is required.

 

...aside from that I'd like to get my flat cleaned up and sort out my next lot of stuff to donate or sell.

 

Next update (and catch up with everyone else) will be Wednesday.

 

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Welcome to the druids :)

 

And just take it easy and take a breath when shit hits the fan.

 

I used to wear myself out pretty badly with way to eager goals followed by periods of hibernation.

Does that ring a bell with you?

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1 hour ago, Sunmage said:

Welcome to the druids :)

 

And just take it easy and take a breath when shit hits the fan.

 

I used to wear myself out pretty badly with way to eager goals followed by periods of hibernation.

Does that ring a bell with you?

 

Thanks :) 

 

And yeah, that's definitely ringing a bell. I'm working on slowing things down and not constantly overworking myself, but it's a surprisingly difficult thing to be doing.

 

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Week One, Update Two

I'm going to tentatively say things are going well. Admittedly I've come up short on my hydration goal today, but I've hit every other goal consistently so far.

 

Hydration: It's easy to take a 2L bottle of water to work and go nuts with it. Less easy, I'm finding, on a day off.

Meal prep: I'm keeping it as simple as I possibly can right now, not aiming for fancy meals, just aiming for some meat and some veg. It's been a bit of a struggle to remember to do this, but that's what my brightly coloured post-it notes are for.

Walking: All short walks so far, all consisting of a half lap of the nearest park. Usually I do like spending longer there, but given the weather it's been incredibly populated and I've been getting very uncomfortable being around such a crowd. It's make sense to move my walking to a time where it isn't so busy, but right now there doesn't seem to be one. Still, I'll keep trying, and even if I never do more than half a lap this challenge, I'll still be getting out to stretch my legs and get a dose of nature.

Stretching: Way too soon to be noticing any benefits, but that doesn't stop me being disappointed in my continued lack of flexibility and that my knees and shoulders still give vocal protests when I move them too much. Or at all. It does, however, help wake me up a little more even before I've had my first cup of coffee.

Yoga: I did my first yoga session in a long time today, and I was very shaky. It was a short one (this one), but it certainly gave me a few things to think about. First of all, my wrist mobility is dreadful. I knew it was bad anyway, tendinitis does that, but it's worse than I recall. Also, the lack of stretch in my hamstrings is not great. Both can be improved with specific mobility exercises and continued yoga. And pigeon pose is still my nemesis, but one day I will get it.

 

Meditation has been a difficult one for me. Not so much remembering to do it, but more what I'm trying to focus on. I've very quickly developed a post-work meditation routine that I use to walk through the shift and just let things go, to accept that they happened, to admit that either it was something I had no control over and so could not change, or that I made a mistake and next time I'll know better. I feel like this will be fairly essential to maintaining my sanity over the coming month given how things are looking set to change. Outside of that, mostly what I've been doing is selecting background noise from the myNoise site (heavily favouring Forest Breath right now), putting my headphones on, and sitting back and letting my mind wander. Inevitably it latches on to something that's been bothering me, and I just sort of... float through it, I guess? I don't really know how else to describe it. It's a little like taking a backseat in my own brain and watching as my mind goes through the situation and many, many outcomes and ways of coping. I actually have no idea if that's the proper way to meditate, or if there even is a right way, but so far that's what's been working for me.

 

All going well, next update will be Friday at some point.

 

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Week One, Update Three

Today has quite possibly been the best day I've had in a long while. It's been sorely needed.

 

 

Hydration: I'm getting the hang of this now. As before, work is easy. Outside of work it's less appealing to just chug from a 2L bottle whenever, so it's a case of adding things up and ensuring that I'm not drinking, say, a litre of coffee in the hope that it'll get my intake up.

 

Meal prep: Doing well enough that it's resulted in me actually properly cooking. Simple pasta, but with every pre-prepped ingredient done from scratch. All I needed to do was put everything in the pot at the right time. That's about as fancy as I'm getting until the habit is thoroughly ingrained.

 

Walking: Yesterday was unremarkable. Today was an experience. I started off on my usual route, then diverted down a path I hadn't taken before. From there I went to the park, but I did a vertical lap instead of a half lap. I guess that makes more sense if your brain works like mine does... Either way, I took the least populated route, going down into the glen proper before trundling back uphill. It was raining. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

 

Stretching: I got out of bed this morning, stretched, and my left shoulder popped so loudly that for a moment I thought it had actually broken. Does this sort of thing ever stop or am I dealing with this for the rest of my life?

 

Yoga: Second session today, used the same short circuit as before. Pigeon pose is not easier...

 

Meditation: I tried a sort of run-of-the-mill calm down, prepare for sleep kind of thing last night. Either it worked or that was just the exhaustion. Today, however, I did a kind of walking meditation, if such a thing even exists. It happens, or I allow it to happen, almost every time I'm walking through a wooded area in the rain. It's a little difficult to describe, but what I'm aiming to do is repeat this a few times and actually remember to take a notepad with me so I can record my thought processes. That's the only thing that works with that particular state of mind, I've found. Otherwise it just sort of lingers in there. In this case, it's like an itch. Other times it is not such a positive experience.

 

 

Things are moving along nicely with my unofficial weekly aims too. My bedroom is once again neat and tidy and is now set up to reflect my current fitness focus. Namely, the weights have been stored under the bed and the squat stands relegated to sentry duty (although they do make a handy dip station) until such time as I feel ready to move back into mixed bodyweight and weighted exercise. Also, I finally got my selection of yoga routines put up on the wall so I have no excuse not to do them.

 

My next, and likely final, lot of clothing and shoe donations are bagged and ready, and I just have to find a suitable box for the next lot of stuff I'm selling off. things are feeling a lot less cluttered and crowded here, it looks like a person lives here and not a packrat, which is a first for me.

 

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On 7/3/2019 at 7:17 PM, iatetheyeti said:

I'm working on slowing things down and not constantly overworking myself, but it's a surprisingly difficult thing to be doing.

 

It sure is. Making progress while taking it slow and taking care of ourselves is amazing. Difficult as it is, you seem to be doing pretty well at it.

 

Can't help with the stretching: I'm stiff as a broomstick. I'm willing to guess it passes but if I were doing it now, my shoulder would feel like it's being ripped off. xD

 

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4 hours ago, Jean said:

 

It sure is. Making progress while taking it slow and taking care of ourselves is amazing. Difficult as it is, you seem to be doing pretty well at it.

 

For now that does seem to be the case. It's continuing on that has historically been my problem. Once the whole 'new and shiny' wears off and it becomes time to really put in the work and discipline to sustain it all... I can only hope that this time I'll be able to push through that and finally see what's on the other side.

 

 

5 hours ago, Jean said:

Can't help with the stretching: I'm stiff as a broomstick. I'm willing to guess it passes but if I were doing it now, my shoulder would feel like it's being ripped off. xD

 

Heh, yes, sometimes it does feel like that. Most sources I've looked into say give it time, so that's what I'll do.

 

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17 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

Once the whole 'new and shiny' wears off and it becomes time to really put in the work and discipline to sustain it all...

That is a common problem, I guess we all have it. But we just have to keep trying.

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4 hours ago, zenLara said:

That is a common problem, I guess we all have it. But we just have to keep trying.

 

You're not wrong. One day one of those tries will be successful, I'm just hoping it's one day soon.

 

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Week One, End

It feels odd that that's the end of the first week already. Odder still that it's been a relatively successful one, all in all. That is mostly down to the fact that work has been relatively calm and I've been working mostly normal hours. I'll get more of the same next week, in fact I may even be more successful because I have more days off and shorter shifts. The week after, however, will be the exact opposite. As will the closing week.

 

Hydration: I think I've set the right target with 2L per day. It's challenging but doable, and I think it's starting to help me avoid headaches at work. I've fallen short of the target a couple of times, but not by anything major.

 

Meal Prep: This has required by far the most post-it reminders, but it slowly seems to be sinking in. Keeping it ridiculously simple is helping no end, and it's resulting in me eating at least two proper meals every day, regardless of whether or not I'm working. That's a massive improvement from even a month ago.

 

Walking: Not much to say here, I love it. It might be tricky to fit something in some days, but it's always worth it. I think for next week I want to try and go to a new place just the once, just to put some variation into things. I love the park, I really do, but I want to branch out too.

 

Stretching: This is where my impatience is starting to show through. Logically I know one week is too soon to be seeing any noticeable results beyond the fact that I'm remembering to stretch every morning, but that doesn't stop me being disappointed. I just have to keep telling myself that eventually it will get easier, I'll feel more comfortable, and I will improve.

 

Yoga: I've missed yoga. Admittedly talking myself into doing some yoga when I'm sat down and comfortable is difficult, but I've yet to miss a day.

 

Meditation: Well, it's the only goal here that's made me cry so far. Is meditation supposed to do that? I have no idea. I'm using it in a rather heavy-handed kind of way, I think. More digging a hole than reaching towards enlightenment. Maybe my enlightenment is just covered in dirt right now. Either way, I'm taking a little time every day to either work through existing issues, calm myself down properly, or just to relax, free of obligation. I think for week two I might actually do some reading on meditation as well. A little extra information is never a bad thing to have.

 

As far as my non-official goals go, I've got the donation, sell, and ditch piles ready to go. And my bedroom is in fantastic shape. Living room next week, I think. Also going for option number three on my little Spartan dilemma. When it comes down to it, I don't believe I have the energy or the resilience required to travel over three hundred miles (on a bus, which is never ever fun), spend two days doing nothing but interacting with strangers (and having responsibility for them and the job), and travel over three hundred miles back only to jump into work on the same morning I arrive back in the country. I could do one of those things. Not all.

 

Yeah, all in all I'd call that a success. And I'm tentatively confident in my ability to take this success and build on it next week. 

 

Next update will be tomorrow to set out a rough plan for the week ahead.

 

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Week One, Update One

This week has not started in an ideal way. I may or may not discuss this here, it depends on a number of things. Unfortunately it's news that does set the tone for the rest of the week as it's something that I would usually work through by keeping busy, and being at work is ideal for letting things tick over in the back of my mind. So naturally it happens when I have minimal shifts...

 

Anyway. All that considered, I do want to set myself some additional rules for this week to prevent my large amount of downtime becoming in any way self-destructive. The main one is to find constructive ways to keep myself busy so I'm not just staring at a screen. I have plenty of housework of all kinds, I have a couple of different knitting projects on the go, I have a handful of unread books, empty sketch pads, a guitar I look at every day but haven't played in months, a bike to repair, another bike to dismantle and strip of working parts, and that's just inside stuff. There's the whole of the outside too. So, that's rule number one: unless I have a specific task in mind (for example updating here or replying to an email), I am not to spend more than half an hour at a time on the laptop.

 

Rule number two is spend a lot of time outside. By default outside time is busy time, and if the weather keeps up like this then the sun will tire me out nicely.

 

And that leads me to rule number three: only be in bed if I'm sleeping. If I can't sleep then I get myself out of bed, park myself on the knitting chair, and either do some actual knitting or read a book until I can barely keep my eyes open, then I'll go try sleeping again. I have reasons for this.

 

I'm predicting some interesting times with meditation as well this week, which is either going to be really good or really bad. We'll see. All I can really do at this point is learn from my past behaviour, set workable guidelines, and try and do damage control before the other shoe drops. That in mind, for this week only I think I'm going to switch to daily check-ins here in an effort to curb the instinct to hide away and deal with this solo.

 

Cheery stuff, really, and not at all the Monday I was envisioning. But life happens and we just have to deal with it.

 

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Week One, Update One-And-A-Bit

Might as well start off as I mean to go on, habit building and all that.

 

Hydration: Came in under today, by about half a litre or so.

Meal Prep: Done. More pasta, but this time with sausages in it. Should last two meals, or maybe one if I'm really hungry after work tomorrow...

Walking: I originally intended my short trip to the local shop to be my walk of the day. Then I decided to take a slightly longer route home. Then I walked past a car park. Stopped. Realised it had the start of a trail at the other end. Followed said trail. Signs indicated it could last as long as eleven miles. Eleven nice miles by the looks of things. Started off overlooking incredibly green fields and then moved into some properly scraggly countryside woodland. I went about as far as the edge of the city before diverting back to the main road and walking home, a forty five minute round trip in all. I think on one of my days off I'll walk to the nearest village (three and a half miles apparently, making a seven mile round trip) and at some point in the near future I'd like to cycle the full length. Also could use this as somewhere to run, I think... And I do believe that's my new place explored ticked off for this week!

Stretching: I dislocated a finger. Stretching. I swear, sometimes by body actively works against me.

Yoga: Not today.

Meditation: Last night's meditation was solely to calm my mind enough to sleep. It worked.

 

Tomorrow is going to be a challenge. Another 6am-5pm solo shift, and all of this with the CO, who is the last person I want to be stuck with. So tonight I'm going to get to bed early, make sure I at least have a good rest if not a lengthy sleep, and maybe have two cups of coffee when I wake up. Tomorrow I need to basically not lose the plot, so I feel all of that will help. If I need an incentive to focus on, I can focus on having the following day off to do nothing but recharge.

 

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I'd hug you but the time seems to be calling for action, so here's a goat doing skateboard:

 

giphy.gif

 

Be active and take care.

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12 hours ago, Jean said:

I'd hug you but the time seems to be calling for action, so here's a goat doing skateboard:

 

giphy.gif

 

Be active and take care.

 

Both work :)

 

And hey, who doesn't need a skateboarding goat in their life?

 

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