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iatetheyeti

iatetheyeti: never ready

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1 hour ago, iatetheyeti said:

And hey, who doesn't need a skateboarding goat in their life?

 

A dog doing skateboard?

giphy.gif

 

 

 

I could go for hours (cows anyone? -WARNING: asdf youtube video-) but productivity would suffer. Hope the day went OK and you're enjoying your evening.

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40 minutes ago, Jean said:

 

A dog doing skateboard?

giphy.gif

 

 

 

I could go for hours (cows anyone? -WARNING: asdf youtube video-) but productivity would suffer. Hope the day went OK and you're enjoying your evening.

 

...all of these animals can skateboard better than I can!

 

Thanks :) It went about as well as it could, all things considered, and I am definitely enjoying the chance to just sit and relax!

 

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Week Two, Update Two

I've just noticed that I've been referring to this as week one so far... That really just sums things up, I think. Thankfully today I've kept myself busy, which admittedly is not difficult at work most of the time, and especially not when I have full reign over my department for the entire day.

 

Hydration: Easily done today, though probably could do with less Irn Bru and more actual water.

 

Meal Prep: Honestly, I'm not going to bother tonight. I'm exhausted and I plain don't want to. And this is why I'm prepping more than one meal ahead, to allow for times like this. Plus I have the day off tomorrow and can catch up easily enough.

 

Walking: Exempt today on account of the eleven hour shift.

 

Stretching: It was very half-hearted. I was barely awake, almost went face first into the wall, and decided that a sluggish effort was better than none before going in search of coffee.

 

Meditation: Once again, it was simply to calm my mind and let me fall asleep without too much difficulty. It worked.

 

Tomorrow is, thankfully, a day off. I need to use it to let my body recover and work through a few of the most recent issues that have cropped up in my life. That means a long walk, likely in the pissing rain, which will actually improve my mood, and a long session of meditation. And likely some time spent writing everything down and going through it that way too. I guess I like to cover all my bases. Regardless, I will not let myself idle. I can relax, but I don't want my mind wandering enough to do what it does best and dredge up the absolute worst of everything. I may have to get creative, but I will find ways to decrease the likelihood of that particular happening.

 

 

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On 7/7/2019 at 7:24 PM, iatetheyeti said:

Stretching: This is where my impatience is starting to show through. Logically I know one week is too soon to be seeing any noticeable results beyond the fact that I'm remembering to stretch every morning, but that doesn't stop me being disappointed. I just have to keep telling myself that eventually it will get easier, I'll feel more comfortable, and I will improve.

I know it's difficult, but it has helped me a lot to forget about progress, results and such, and just commit to show up every day and do the work. Once I've decided something is good for me or there's somethig I want to do, I commit to doing it no matter what. I think this approach can help you with something like stretching or yoga, which are activities that may take quite a while to offer you a clear improvement.

 

On 7/7/2019 at 7:24 PM, iatetheyeti said:

Meditation: Well, it's the only goal here that's made me cry so far. Is meditation supposed to do that?

Well, I used to cry when I began meditation. It's been a while, but I used to cry both while meditating and afterwards. It wouldn't happen every time, but it was frequent, and while in the long run I've seen it like I had found a way for myself to unlock stuck emotions, it wasn't nice back then. I'd say keep going, unless you find the emotional load is too big.

 

On 7/8/2019 at 7:34 PM, iatetheyeti said:

 I originally intended my short trip to the local shop to be my walk of the day. Then I decided to take a slightly longer route home. Then I walked past a car park. Stopped. Realised it had the start of a trail at the other end. Followed said trail. Signs indicated it could last as long as eleven miles. Eleven nice miles by the looks of things. Started off overlooking incredibly green fields and then moved into some properly scraggly countryside woodland. I went about as far as the edge of the city before diverting back to the main road and walking home, a forty five minute round trip in all.

Sounds delightful.

 

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50 minutes ago, zenLara said:

I know it's difficult, but it has helped me a lot to forget about progress, results and such, and just commit to show up every day and do the work. Once I've decided something is good for me or there's somethig I want to do, I commit to doing it no matter what. I think this approach can help you with something like stretching or yoga, which are activities that may take quite a while to offer you a clear improvement.

 

I think I can get myself into that mindset, the thing I'm aiming for, mostly anyway, is actually exactly what you've just said, to show up every day and do the work. I'm not aiming for anything beyond 'better' anyway, which is hardly a concrete goal. Somewhere along the way I'm hoping to become a little more patient with the process.

 

 

53 minutes ago, zenLara said:

Well, I used to cry when I began meditation. It's been a while, but I used to cry both while meditating and afterwards. It wouldn't happen every time, but it was frequent, and while in the long run I've seen it like I had found a way for myself to unlock stuck emotions, it wasn't nice back then. I'd say keep going, unless you find the emotional load is too big.

 

Admittedly, I'm a crier anyway. It doesn't take much at the best of times, never mind when I'm digging into thoughts and memories and situations that are not so great. Honestly though, it's kind of reassuring to know it's not just me that it's happened to.

 

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Week Two, Update Three

It is so humid that it's hard to breathe, but thunderstorms are on the horizon and I cannot wait.

 

Hydration: Easily done today given the temperature crept into the low twenties.

 

Meal Prep: Easily (lazily) done, but enough to see me through lunch and dinner tomorrow.

 

Walking: Nothing exciting today, just a small venture out to the 24hr supermarket on a quest to find something burn-suitable to add to my work first aid kit. Nothing found (and that's supermarket number three...). Also took a wander into every shop that sold houseplants. I want something that'll survive living in my bedroom. Nothing found again...

 

Stretching: If nothing else, I'm very slowly memorising the routine. It's not exactly complicated, but my brain does not function first thing so it's taking a long time to sink in.

 

Meditation: Last night's session did not exactly leave me feeling calm, more determined than anything else. I focused on the situation regarding the unpleasant news I've received this week, most notably the central person involved and their behaviour. I think, after a lot of deliberation, that I'm ready to react (and without losing my temper, which is a bonus).

 

I did want to go on a proper walk today, but the humidity is unpleasant so I stuck with my less-than-useful shopping trip and then went home to hide. We've got thunderstorm warnings for tomorrow, so with any degree of luck the air will clear and I might even get to go for a walk while there's a storm happening. Assuming they don't all happen when I'm in work. The chance is enough to get me out of the flat and keep me out for a while, something I need considering I broke one of my rules today and spent a lot of time on the laptop doing nothing but fuelling one of the things I'm having ongoing anxiety about. Not really the healthiest thing to be doing, really. Tonight I'm distracting myself with books.

 

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Week Two, Update Four

Today has not been good. Getting sucker punched by shark week is never usually pleasant, and is far less so with all of this stress and emotional baggage. Apparently what that leads to is a whole lot of anger. Fortunately I've had years of practice in controlling my temper, and also years of practice keeping my retail face in place, so I did manage to get through work today without picking any fights no matter how much I wanted to. In light of that, I've decided today I'm going to ignore my goals and focus on working through the anger, because I do not want this hanging around any longer than it has to. It's unlikely to last through the night, though I suppose you never really know with these things.

 

All going well, things should be back to normal by tomorrow.

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14 hours ago, Jean said:

Sleep well and have a nice tomorrow. :)

 

Thanks :)

 

Things are seeming a little brighter today (and far less angry, which is a major relief, let me tell you!).

 

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Week Two, Update Five

I am exhausted but relatively calm and stable. Redirecting my focus yesterday worked, and I've had an extremely long sleep on top of that. I am a little more irritable than is usual, but that'll pass in time. The good thing about living alone is that I can't take it out on anyone. In years gone past, when I lived with multiple others, when this happened it could get ugly.

 

Hydration: Iffy. More coffee than water so far. Doubtful that I'll make it today, but that's ok.

 

Meal Prep: One meal prepped so far, one to go.

 

Walking: I did not do that today. At first it was because I couldn't summon up the energy to just go, and then it was because of the rain, which is a piss-poor excuse. I like walking in the rain. Yes, this is incredibly heavy rain, but a ten minute trip to the little wooded patch and back would hardly hurt. It's not going to happen, I know that, and I'm trying not to let it bother me too much.

 

Stretching: Now this I did do.

 

Yoga: And also this. Just a short routine, but done nonetheless.

 

Meditation: Did not do anything last night. I was nowhere near in the right state of mind to try and to be honest, unwilling to attempt to get there.

 

So not such a great start to my mini-holiday, but sometimes shit happens and I just have to deal with that as best I can. As it is, I got through this one with next to no damage inflicted. Today has been very much a mental recovery day, and tomorrow I feel I will be able to pick myself up and keep on moving forwards with things.

 

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Week Two, Update Six

Sometimes things do get better when you least expect it.

 

Hydration: Back on track with this today.

 

Meal Prep: ...not so on track with this.

 

Walking: It was a short walk, but a walk nonetheless. I took the long route to the supermarket.

 

Stretching: My hips made some interesting sounds today, which makes a change from my shoulders doing it.

 

Yoga: I'm still using the same short routine for this, though I'm thinking of maybe doing a couple of rounds of it for the next couple of weeks. Partly because it'll be a little progress without pushing the boat out too far too fast, and partly because in the next two weeks I have a grand total of three days off and therefor not much chance to do said yoga.

 

Meditation: I did not meditate last night. But I did talk. I got a call from a friend and, when asked how I was, I didn't just say I was fine and try to move the conversation along. I spoke about some of the things bothering me, I had a therapeutic little cry, and I didn't resist being cheered up afterwards. That has helped my mindset infinitely more than the past two weeks of working through these things by myself. That does not mean I'm stopping with the meditation. It does help, and it gives me a chance to work through some of the things I'm unable or not ready to talk about just yet.

 

It goes without saying that today I've been in a better mood. Enough so to release the last dregs of anger, enough so to get properly dressed and go outside, enough so to run a few essential errands that I'd been putting off. And I'd like to keep that feeling.

 

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Week Two, End

It is very hot and very humid and I have not slept and am therefore crabby.

 

Hydration: I've not had much of a choice this week, I've had to get this back on track or risk constant dehydration. Even so, it could be better. I think I'm going to have to take down the amount of water a little and sub in some electrolyte drinks purely because of the amount of sweating that's happening.

 

Meal Prep: Hit and miss. I'm definitely starting to slip with this one, so I'm going to write out some brightly coloured reminders and stick them up where I can see.

 

Walking: Not bad. A couple of misses this week, but overall not bad. I think if I want to be taking longer walks then, for next week at least, I need to be taking them as early in the morning as possible to avoid the worst of the heat.

 

Stretching: It's going. It's going noisily, but it's going.

 

Yoga: As above, but with a little less complaining on my end.

 

Meditation: Two weeks in and I'm gathering quite the collection of post-its for this one. Plenty of things to work through and work on, and enough variation as to how I do that so there's less chance of me losing interest.

 

Overall, not a bad second week. I'm flagging a little, which doesn't bode well considering what I'm about to launch into work-wise, but what I'm taking away from this is that I'm aware of that flagging, I'm aware of why, and I'm actively thinking up ways to get past that and to help myself recover a little additional energy. It's all going to take time, I just need to keep in mind that doing the thing, whatever the thing may be, is better than not doing it.

 

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2 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

doing the thing, whatever the thing may be, is better than not doing it.

Quoted for truth.

 

Go for it and take care.

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Week Three, Update One

Seems a little odd that it's week three already. Odder still that I've managed to stick with this so far and not drop off the face of the planet. Not that that's a bad thing!

 

Going back to three-ish updates weekly now that my downtime is over and, for the next two weeks anyway, I will have virtually no free time. I don't have any plan for this beyond sticking to my goals and adapting them to fit the situation at any given time. I already mentioned moving my walks to the morning where possible to take advantage of the cooler, less humid weather. Likewise with yoga. If the forecast does play out as promised, with humidity staying in the eighties and above, then I will start adding in cool showers in an effort to not boil to death. I need to adjust my meal prep as well if that's the case, because the hotter it gets the less I feel like eating, but eating is really quite essential. More veg, more fruit, probably some smoothies in there, and I might have to do some experimenting with cold soups.

 

As such, I have no additional unofficial goals this week. I didn't quite succeed with my aim to tidy the living room last week and that will now be done in a mad rush before I leave for work tomorrow thanks to a last minute gas safety check being carried out. I guess whatever works?

 

Next update will be Wednesday, my last day off before the chaos hits...

 

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Week Three, Update Two

Quick one. I am all kinds of tired. Will do some catching up with other people tomorrow.

 

Hydration: I think the addition of electrolyte drinks are working. Slightly less headachey.

 

Meal Prep: The post-its are helping, although it would be nice to have the energy to prep something a little more exciting than my usual 'meat and large load of veg'.

 

Walking: Still with the really short walks right now. Part of it is lacking in energy to do more, part of it is my current state of mind.

 

Stretching: Well, my joints are getting no less noisy, but it is becoming a habit.

 

Yoga: Going well enough that I think I need to up the frequency next time around. Once or twice a week is a little too much on the easy side, both memory- and ability-wise.

 

Meditation: That's been interesting for the past few days. Over the past week or so I've been experiencing dreams that make the little sleep I do get extremely unrestful. These dreams all revolve around the same people, and today I finally figured out why, after months of them never once crossing my mind, this is happening again. It's the same thing every year (and I forget every year, because my memory is just spectacular...). These people were a massive, integral part of my life growing up and, to put it simply, they helped mess me up. Badly. I didn't see it at the time, nor did I realise the extent of it until years later. I last saw these people on my seventeenth birthday, and almost every year since then, unless I've been incredibly well distracted, this crap happens. Dreams, insecurities, memories. All the good stuff, even after eleven years now, almost to the day. I guess on the plus side it usually fades pretty fast afterwards, and I can look forward to not having them in my head once more. But mostly my meditation has been focused around reclaiming my own head space and getting these people out of there. It's difficult. There are a great many issues with them that I will never get closure on and that plays on my anxiety quite a bit at this time of year as well. Still, I'm doing what I can, and I'm trying very hard not to let this get to me too badly.

 

 

Next update will likely be Friday.

 

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Week Three, Update Three

At the current moment exhaustion is dictating my every action and my life exists in a cycle of work-sleep-work-sleep. Except the sleep part doesn't involve much sleeping, unfortunately.

 

Hydration: Doing surprisingly well here.

 

Meal Prep: ...and doing not-so-surprisingly not well here.

 

Walking: I'm not sure. I've been taking longer or different routes to places I'm already going, not actually making the effort to go out and take a walk at a completely different time. I don't know if I count this or if I need to be a little more specific in my goal outlines here.

 

Stretching: Very half-hearted, likely to the point where I don't feel comfortable counting the past two days as a success because I just plain didn't put the effort in.

 

Meditation: I've done a little to try and clear my mind to attempt to sleep, but attempting anything more has led me closer to a panic attack than it has to peace, so I'm keeping it simple until I'm not so tired and overly emotional. Because that is most definitely a factor here.

 

The next week is going to be interesting, to say the least. I'm working constantly, and the majority of those shifts are early opens onto full days, often with me being the only person in the department for that day. I'm the only person working this weekend, which is fun. I'm considering asking management if I can just string up a hammock in the warehouse because there is very little point in me going home on Saturday night...

 

Self-pity aside, this is a good chance to see if I can actively maintain my goals with a heavy workload, and if not then it will show me what I need to change. It will be a lesson. I will not enjoy it at all, but I will learn, and that knowledge will help me help myself. 

 

If my Sunday shift turns into a twelve hour one then there will not be an update until Monday. If it stays at ten hours, next update will indeed be Sunday.

 

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Week Three, End

Thankfully no twelve hour shift today, it rounded out at a nice nine and a half with an early finish.

 

Hydration: Consistent this week, though today I've come well under and likely will not catch up before going to bed.

 

Meal Prep: I've been a little all over the place with this one this week, but I'm not entirely surprised. I'd like to say I'm making good choices when I find myself lacking a prepped meal, but that's not always true. If it's earlier in the day, then yes, I do make a good choice. If it's not...

 

Walking: Needs more variation.

 

Stretching: Not much to say here, doing alright.

 

Yoga: Definitely need to rethink the frequency of this goal.

 

Meditation: At the moment this is possibly the only reason I'm still posting here. The more exhausted and stressed I get, the more my anxiety creeps in, the more I want to withdraw. I tell myself it's just until the rough patch passes, but that's not true. For one thing, it isn't a rough patch, it's my whole life right now and has been for almost a year now. For another, the isolation is damaging. For the past couple of days I've been using my meditation time to clear my mind and focus on the reasons that staying here is a good thing, that slipping away is not going to produce new and improved results, it's going to contribute to more of the same bad ones. It's not easy, the flight response is deeply entrenched, but the more I stick to my guns the easier it will get.

 

 

Such a cheery update... I really dislike how current events are shaping me into a negative, draining kind of person and I am doing my best to try and fight that. Maybe I'll have to start finding little positives, no matter how mundane, to add to these updates in order to try and keep that fight going. Like today the clouds have been spectacular, all dramatic colours and intricate shapes. When I was waiting for the bus both before and after work I spent that time cloud watching and it did bring some peace. And that's a good and happy thing.

 

Will update tomorrow with a rough plan for the week.

 

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Week Four, Update One

After having a think, I've decided that my rough plan for this week is to survive it. I'm not in great shape right now, it will not improve until I get a day off, and my first day off (in eight days...) is Friday. I will do my best to stick to my challenge goals, but I will also not beat myself up too much if I can't quite manage that. The important thing is that I at least try, because trying and failing is better than accepting it as a forgone conclusion and not trying at all.

 

Next update might just be Friday.

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Week Four, Update Two

As predicted, this week has been bad for many reason, but it has also had some amazing highlights. I did get to see friends that I rarely get to see, and that has gone a long, long way to outweighing the bad stuff. The factor doing most damage, however, is beyond anyone's control. The heatwave. We are a country evolved for and adapted to mild weather, and we are not having fun.

 

As far as goals go, by far and away the most successful this week has been the hydration one, and the least successful has been the walking one as I seek to hide from the heat rather than embrace that sweat-soaked, burning nightmare. Honestly, during this week it has been difficult to focus not just because of the adverse weather conditions, but because this challenge nears the end and I know what I need to do next. I'm a little distracted, I'm finding it difficult to stick to these goals right now, and I've completed drifted away from actual interaction around here. All things to be worked out, and soon.

 

Final update and overall summary will happen at some point on Sunday.

 

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On 7/17/2019 at 7:44 PM, iatetheyeti said:

Meditation: That's been interesting for the past few days. Over the past week or so I've been experiencing dreams that make the little sleep I do get extremely unrestful. These dreams all revolve around the same people, and today I finally figured out why, after months of them never once crossing my mind, this is happening again. It's the same thing every year (and I forget every year, because my memory is just spectacular...). These people were a massive, integral part of my life growing up and, to put it simply, they helped mess me up. Badly. I didn't see it at the time, nor did I realise the extent of it until years later. I last saw these people on my seventeenth birthday, and almost every year since then, unless I've been incredibly well distracted, this crap happens. Dreams, insecurities, memories. All the good stuff, even after eleven years now, almost to the day. I guess on the plus side it usually fades pretty fast afterwards, and I can look forward to not having them in my head once more. But mostly my meditation has been focused around reclaiming my own head space and getting these people out of there. It's difficult. There are a great many issues with them that I will never get closure on and that plays on my anxiety quite a bit at this time of year as well. Still, I'm doing what I can, and I'm trying very hard not to let this get to me too badly.

 

Sounds like something worth discussing with a psychologist if you aren't doing it already. The fact that it always happens around the same date, and that you forget it so quickly afterward may indicate that there is some background thingy going on that may drain some of your energy. Anyway, kuddos on dealing with this and, yes, focusing on the small beautiful things does help sometimes. :)

 

 

On 7/21/2019 at 5:45 PM, iatetheyeti said:

Meditation: At the moment this is possibly the only reason I'm still posting here.

 

Please, keep considering this place as a safe haven. It's ok to withdraw if you want to but having places that you can claim as your own and that no bad thought or negative event can take away from you is a great thing to have in life. Sometimes, defense is done by using happiness as an offensive tool. Just as with children: they react more positively to being given something to do (that is not the thing you don't want them to do) than to being told not to do something (and not knowing what to do instead of it). Filling ourself with peaceful, reassuring thoughts can push the shadows at bay.

 

 

On 7/22/2019 at 8:12 PM, iatetheyeti said:

Week Four, Update One

After having a think, I've decided that my rough plan for this week is to survive it.

 

Great plan! Glad it's working.

 

On 7/26/2019 at 7:18 PM, iatetheyeti said:

I know what I need to do next.

 

Awesome! I know the path is probably hard and it's strange to rejoice on it but having some inkling of the way is great news indeed. Keep being strong, allow yourself to be weak (which is a strength not shared by many) and beware the weather. Looking forward seing whatever you decide to do as your next step. Take care.

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18 hours ago, Jean said:

Sounds like something worth discussing with a psychologist if you aren't doing it already. The fact that it always happens around the same date, and that you forget it so quickly afterward may indicate that there is some background thingy going on that may drain some of your energy. Anyway, kuddos on dealing with this and, yes, focusing on the small beautiful things does help sometimes. :)

 

I have a lot of things worth discussing with a professional, the trouble is getting said professional. A GP referral is not an option for me currently, and I don't have the money to go private just yet. But there might be an option to get professional help through a work scheme, it's just slow going trying to find anything out about it and if I'm eligible.

 

 

18 hours ago, Jean said:

Please, keep considering this place as a safe haven. It's ok to withdraw if you want to but having places that you can claim as your own and that no bad thought or negative event can take away from you is a great thing to have in life. Sometimes, defense is done by using happiness as an offensive tool. Just as with children: they react more positively to being given something to do (that is not the thing you don't want them to do) than to being told not to do something (and not knowing what to do instead of it). Filling ourself with peaceful, reassuring thoughts can push the shadows at bay.

 

You're absolutely right, and I do consider this place something of a safe haven. And I'm trying very much to use happiness as an offensive tool as well. It's actually working somewhat, though it is a bit of a challenge trying to turn around almost three decades of negativity and negative thought patterns. But I'll get there, just slowly.

 

 

18 hours ago, Jean said:

Awesome! I know the path is probably hard and it's strange to rejoice on it but having some inkling of the way is great news indeed. Keep being strong, allow yourself to be weak (which is a strength not shared by many) and beware the weather. Looking forward seing whatever you decide to do as your next step. Take care.

 

I agree with you there as well, even knowing a little of where to go and how to do so is better than no clue at all.

 

Heh, and yes, beware the weather! Looks like we're getting a little respite and a rainy interlude before the next heatwave rolls in though!

 

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Fin.

My instinct here is to cast a negative light on all of this, but all in all, for a first challenge back after a long time away, I actually did quite well. Maybe I wasn't as interactive as I could have been, but the main point of it all was to stick to my goals and to try and forge a habit of being around here again.

 

Hydration: I can thank our endless heatwaves for this one being such a success...

 

Meal Prep: Overall very hit and miss, and honestly I don't think it's something I should really be focusing on right now. I think that will come after I've got my diet sorted out properly and I'm actually eating the right things.

 

Walking: Definitely needs more variation, and I think probably stricter regulations as towards the end I was barely going out of my way to walk at all. It's strange because I do enjoy walking, and even in the intense heat, so long as I have plenty of water, places to stop in the shade, and something to cover my head, then I know I can still enjoy a good, long walk. And I know it does me good.

 

Stretching: Even with sticking to this almost completely (missed two morning this week), I know this is going to be a process. But that's fine.

 

Yoga: I forgot how much I love yoga, and I forgot how much the feeling of being unable to do a pose motivated me to do more. The issue with my goal this time around, however, was that I think I set the bar too low. I really didn't have many days off, so restricting yoga to my days off meant that I didn't do as much yoga as I'd have liked or as I'd have been capable of. That just means all I need to do is step it up for next time around.

 

Meditation: Challenging for sure, but needed. Very much so. I've confronted things I didn't want to, I've helped myself feel my way through unpleasant situations and emotional states, and I've tried to keep negativity from cluttering my mind. I'll be the first to admit it didn't always work, or that it didn't always work out the way I wanted or expected it to, but even the act of trying, of doing, has helped a lot. Despite the somewhat mixed results from this goal, I'd actually say it was my most successful one.

 

 

Not much to say, really. This wasn't a complicated challenge, nor was it intended to be. Next time around I'll step things up a little, make the alterations I think need making, and once more just see how it goes. The next one is going to be another survival goals kind of situation, and while part of me is chafing at not being ready to aim higher, the bigger part of me knows that the cliché of not running before you can walk rings true here. I'll continue to do what I can do, and eventually, when I'm ready, I'll find myself aiming higher and higher.

 

 

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