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On 7/6/2019 at 11:27 AM, Nova Aquarii said:

We are now halfway through 2019. The first half of the year was pretty rough, but I am a lot stronger and wiser for it and am ready to turn my efforts towards crushing the rest of the year. Who is with me?

 

ME. i am with you! we're gonna squeeze all the goodness outta the back half of 2019!

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YES! Let’s fill up the rest of the year with awesome!

 

 

Y’know, I always stumble through my first week of challenges. It’s like your brain is still catching up to the “Oh we’re doing this now? FINE. JUST FINE. But first, let’s play 30 hours of fire emblem ( or watch Stranger things ) :D  YOU GOT THIS

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4 hours ago, Nova Aquarii said:

I really don't want to post an update right now, but I know that I should, if not just for the sake of at least some consistency. I haven't really moved forward on any of my goals. This week has been rough physically and mentally. I haven't been sleeping properly for the past couple weeks, but it has been especially bad this week. Hence typing this post at 2:30am. And accomplishing very little. And mentally...well, tomorrow is a new day, right? I like to say that I want to thrive, not just survive. But sometimes surviving is adequate.

 

I hear you. Sometimes surviving is the best you can do in a given situation so that you have the opportunity to thrive later. 

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On 7/14/2019 at 2:45 AM, Nova Aquarii said:

I really don't want to post an update right now, but I know that I should, if not just for the sake of at least some consistency. I haven't really moved forward on any of my goals. This week has been rough physically and mentally. I haven't been sleeping properly for the past couple weeks, but it has been especially bad this week. Hence typing this post at 2:30am. And accomplishing very little. And mentally...well, tomorrow is a new day, right? I like to say that I want to thrive, not just survive. But sometimes surviving is adequate.

Agreed! You are still here! Thats a victory!  I’m glad you’re surviving!

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2 hours ago, Nova Aquarii said:

 

 

Thank you both for the encouragement. I definitely appreciate it.

 

 

Still alive and creeping my way onward, haha.

 

Update:

 

So, this week was...rough. But, with the exception of Friday, I was pretty good about keeping my coffee intake under control, despite not getting enough sleep most nights. I did attempt to get to bed at a reasonable time though, even if it meant lying awake for a few hours. Ummm, water intake was not at my goal, but was probably at least 2L a day, so still a healthy amount. I haven't worked out yet. Mentally and physically I am just struggling to actually attempt something strenuous. I played piano for a few minutes once, which is an improvement from zero. And I have not sat down to like intentionally practice singing, but I have been singing a lot more. In the car, in the shower, around the house. Soooo, that kinda counts, right? Journaling...nope, no journaling. 

 

Unless your actual goal is deliberate practice, I’d count it. 

 

2 hours ago, Nova Aquarii said:

I have been reading a reasonable amount this month. I mentioned four books I am working on earlier in this challenge, and I have already finished three of them.

 

This challenge has certainly not gone the way I had hoped. To be fair, I can't name a challenge that has gone the way I wanted in at least a year. I know some of that has been from taking on too much and stretching myself too thin, but I think there are a lot of disconnections in my life. Disconnections between what I want to do and what I think I should do, disconnections between who I am, who I think I should be, and who I want to be. Disconnections between where I want my priorities to lie and what I actually am prioritizing at this point. It has always been a struggle for me. I have tried so many ways to try and remedy those disconnections. I have taken so many personality tests to try and understand myself better, worked through so many different activities to understand what is important to me. But a lot of times those things come into conflict with one another. 

 

I’ve noticed that I tend to fail pretty hard when I try too much at once. I’ve had tremendous success since joining with baby steps. 

 

2 hours ago, Nova Aquarii said:

I feel like I am constantly torn between two parts of my personality. One that is responsible, analytical, mature, that seeks security and stability; the other that is this free-spirited, free-wheeling, creative, passionate mess that just wants to be freeeeee. And when I lean more towards one side or the other, it creates a lot of anxiety and depression. When I lean more analytical, I feel emotionally-unfulfilled and I feel like a sell out. When I lean towards the free-spirited creative I feel insecure, out of control, unstructured, anxious, intellectually-unfulfilled, and out of place (thank you all those people who made me feel like I was "too smart" and "wasting my ability" to be a creative growing up, you all suck...and I am including myself in that group, because I definitely put some of that on myself). And this constant battle between the two sides create conflicting priorities and interests. 

 

I think, at my core, I am dominantly a creative. I think in a perfect world I would be a creative that used my analytical side to support that creativity, whereas right now I feel like it is the other way around. 

 

Yeah, I second the thanks to all those who told me that creatives were basically going to be failures when I grew up. I’m happiest when I’m involved in arts and creation as well. 

 

I know a lot of creatives have a process that helps them keep focused, productive, and challenged for creative. Do you have a process? What does being creative look like to you? I’ve found some outlets in setbuilding, acting as a tech director in theatre, and in voice over work.  But I make the vast majority of my money (and get my benefits) from working for a large company doing work that is largely unfulfilling (though it has some challenges and interesting points).  I’d love to make voice over my full-time work. I’m not sure what your career life looks like, though, or what creative areas you work in. It seems like optimally, you might find a way to be strategically creative?

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On 7/20/2019 at 6:02 PM, Nova Aquarii said:

Disconnections between what I want to do and what I think I should do, disconnections between who I am, who I think I should be, and who I want to be. Disconnections between where I want my priorities to lie and what I actually am prioritizing at this point. It has always been a struggle for me.

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On 7/20/2019 at 6:02 PM, Nova Aquarii said:

I feel like I am constantly torn between two parts of my personality. One that is responsible, analytical, mature, that seeks security and stability; the other that is this free-spirited, free-wheeling, creative, passionate mess that just wants to be freeeeee.

 

Image result for mmmhmmm

 

Texted you. The link:

 

 

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I stumbled across this song today. I am at a loss for words, it has been awhile since I connected with a song on such a deep emotional level. 

 

"But I know someday I'll make it out of here,

Even if it takes all night or a hundred years.

Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near,

Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear."

 

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Exercising your voice is definitely key for maintenance. But you can definitely get it back. What a lovely clear voice!  And it sounds like you're going to be in a better mindset for the toughness of the industry. Rejection sucks, but it means you're taking the chance and putting yourself out there! 

 

You got this, lady. I'm cheering for you!

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Thank you for sharing your story. 

 

I’m not a singer, that is, my voice changed and it took me until (embarrassingly) a year or two ago to realize that I’m a bass now. But I know about musical muscles. I played trumpet and French horn and while I still can, my range has contracted and I’ve got about 10 minutes of playing in me. 

 

I can also understand getting burned out performing the music you’re less passionate about. I wouldn’t last long on opera. I just don’t care for it, myself, though I love symphonies, musical theatre, jazz, rock... 

 

When do you experience performance anxiety? I get it before shows but it disappears when I play in front of an audience of sufficient size. That is, I’d be a complete mess playing in front of a handful of people but once I start in front of a hall full of people it goes away.

 

Kudos to you for getting back into music. It’s a wonderful thing. I need to get back into playing, and I will once I fix my teeth again so it doesn’t hurt. Until then I get my fix singing with the family and in the car. 

 

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On 7/21/2019 at 2:08 AM, Nova Aquarii said:

I am still trying to find the formula that really works for me. If I take on a bunch of ambitious goals, I know I always fail. If I take on easy goals and fail to meet them (usually caused by overworking in other areas of my life or a dip in mental health, which unfortunately happens often...but I am working on learning how to deal with that), then I feel like I complete failure. Like when you set the bar crazy low and then STILL can't bring yourself to meet it...I will be the first to admit that I grew up a perfectionist and overachiever and it just kills me every damn time.

 

What do you have to lose by failing a goal?

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