Adventurers of the Lucky Vale III

[Sciread77]

Wow, is it new challenge time already?

 

I survived and thrived during the two major event of the summer, a support role in the ITF Nationals performance in Nebraska and our two-week long road trip to California and back.  I also survived a surprise end-of-challenge event of taking care of 3 kids on my own while my wife went on a work trip we completely forgot about until the last leg of our vacation.  I suspect that somewhere along the way I picked up a cold or other infection, as my throat has been bothering me since 7/6, the day after we made it to LA, and I really should go to a doctor.  I mean, I intended to, but we had things to do and I forgot.  (That's my downfall with self-care.)  The other thing is it might be allergies and irritants; LA was awful and by the time I'd have recovered from that I was back in StL which has the second-worst air quality as far as allergens and the like go in the country.  And the kids all got hit by a wall upon returning too.  But I wouldn't think we'd become sensitive again so fast and take so long to adjust back.

Jessie's making me go to the doctor today.

 

I've also had several major health accomplishments, including having a lot fewer problems with arthritis (probably due to summer) and feeling like stuff that used to be really heavy is pretty light (a result of the training and events I've been through.)  And for reasons I don't entirely understand, my weight has been going down in spite of the fact that it started doing so while on vacation, when we were eating at delightful diners, drive-ins, and dives (and a disproportionately large amount of meat) all the way to and from California.  I recall having no mental health issues while gone, though returning felt like being hit with large wrench.

 

Over the weekend, I added zinc, magnesium, and B6 supplements as those are likely to be depleted for people with my physical and mental issues.  It appears to be helping me sleep and helping me calm down.  It also, oddly enough, made it easier to bear being alone while Jessie was gone.  I like my alone time, but when she's gone I usually feel an almost-manic, almost-panic sort of feeling.  And I felt it for years before we met.  I hate it.  It usually strikes when the kids are asleep. I realize that it's something unhealthy I have to deal with, and fortunately, this time, it wasn't so bad.  I also haven't felt quite so awful at work today, which is a good thing.  My job isn't bad.  I've had worse jobs.  I just thing several little things, especially the lack of light here, really affect me and thus need to be mitigated. I wonder if a lot of the issues I normally face have been magnified by nutrient deficiencies?  I really haven't been keeping track of mineral intake at all.  

 

I'm forgetting things, but I'm sure I'll think of them later.  

 

In this next challenge, I'm looking to take it easy but engage in regular physical activity.

 

Goals:

1.  Sleep. 7+ hours.  Bo Peep ran off with my FitBit, which died somewhere in the house.  It's my fault for tossing it on the stairs within easy reach of her during the water fight last week.  But until it returns I'm stuck with a more manual and less accurate sleep count.
2. Target foods with 1 non-goal food a day
3.  Regular Activity- 40 days of Park Bench workouts per the descriptions in  this article.  I am doing these with the family and we're doing many of them together.  We're especially focused on Woody, who is getting into Minecraft and other video games pretty hardcore and we want to ensure he is active in certain movements.  One day soon I'm going to test for my max on a bunch of things including squats, burpees, pushups, planks, and flexibility (all the stuff we're practicing).
4.  Read.  I just started the Ulysses S Grant bio by Chernov that Jessie got me, and I want to finish it before it's due.
5. Continue reclaiming rooms.  I'm halfway done with the main basement area, done with the kids' rooms, and done with the main floor except the desk area of the kitchen.  I still have the rest of the basement, our bedroom, our bathroom, and the garage to go.  I really hope we can get it done or at least make significant process by the time Jessie goes back to school, because those first few days of long (12-16 hour) days pretty much destroy her.
6. Keep up on Spanish. I'm not sure if I mentioned but I'm taking over duties for half of Latin America next week.  One of our people is leaving.  All in the midst of division mergers; gotta make sure they remember I'm valuable.

[Sciread77]

 

Huh.  Yesterday was my two-year anniversary posting on the forums as anything other than an occasional lurker.  And huh, I was training to go to Disney World with children then, too.   I may still have a lot of the same goals but I've come a long way since then! For one thing, I'm 1/3 of the way through my "Lose 30 lbs" goal and I'm much, much stronger and feel much, much better.  I was practically crippled from calf issues when I started.

[Snarkyfishguts]

How great that you can see your progress from when you started! That's great!

 

Your goals are solid! It's great that you are getting Spanish down. I'm going to start practicing it again too. Do you use an app? I'm using Mango Languages through the library. Wait. DID I ASK YOU THIS ALREADY?!

 

 

[Aquarii]

4 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

(and a disproportionately large amount of meat) all the way to and from California.  I recall having no mental health issues while gone, though returning felt like being hit with large wrench.

+

4 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

Over the weekend, I added zinc, magnesium, and B6 supplements as those are likely to be depleted for people with my physical and mental issues.

 

Out of curiosity, do you supplement B12 or take a multivitamin (which typically contain B12)? You have mentioned trying to eat less meat/animal products, and B12 is pretty much only found available in animal products. It is also a nutrient that has significant impact on mental health and energy levels. 

[Sciread77]

4 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

How great that you can see your progress from when you started! That's great!

 

It’s kinda mind blowing because sometimes it feels like I’m spinning my wheels. NF really helps put things in perspective, especially l

 

Quote

Your goals are solid! It's great that you are getting Spanish down. I'm going to start practicing it again too. Do you use an app? I'm using Mango Languages through the library. Wait. DID I ASK YOU THIS ALREADY?!

 

 

 

Maybe so? I’ve talked about Spanish and French a lot. Appwise, I sometimes use Duolingo. I’ve not really gotten into any other phone apps. I spend time listening to audiobooks, especially the Harry Potter series. I also built my own (admittedly clunky) assisted reader that analyzes the word counts of Word documents that I feed into it and highlights the words I know based on my master word bank. Setup takes forever (it scans and counts each individual word and organizes words by how commonly they appear in the series so far as well as noting the occurrences in each book and the total wordcount for each book, and the series thus far, in English, French, and Spanish... and if that seems like a mouthful you can understand why the VBA macro takes 10-16 hours per book to run lol) but it’s been terribly helpful. 

 

But mostly, as far as Spanish goes, I practice verbally with my boss from Costa Rica and my coworkers from Columbia, Peru, and the one from here but married to a lady from Puerto Rico. My accent is, admittedly, a hot mess. And I have to read notes and emails at work to make sure people are doing things the right way and so I read a ton about my business and the business world. But I’m more adept at business, food, and pet -related conversations than I am about other things. 

 

1 hour ago, Nova Aquarii said:

+

 

Out of curiosity, do you supplement B12 or take a multivitamin (which typically contain B12)? You have mentioned trying to eat less meat/animal products, and B12 is pretty much only found available in animal products. It is also a nutrient that has significant impact on mental health and energy levels. 

 

I do. My wife has to, since we’re getting it I do as well. That’s really the one supplement we overlap on.  It’s one we learned the hard way, along with iron for her. 

[Snarkyfishguts]

Nope we’ve definitely not talked about your awesome language learning set up! That is an amazing strategy!

[Sciread77]

Thanks! It’s a strategy born of necessity and developed over the last few years. I’ve been partway thorough both the FSI French and FSI Spanish, and I’ve also study Russian using Spanish as part of my Duolingo strategy and it’s been remarkably helpful being forced to use Spanish to figure out a very different language with a different alphabet. 

 

I’m not as consistent with the whole thing as I want to be. Depression episodes hit and I sort of just limp through the day sometimes.  I read El Tiempo’s economics and politics section every day for work, and I read business emails and notes, and sometimes that’s it. It’s not that uncommon that I (or, for that matter, everyone on my team) barely say a word out loud all day. I’ve always been good at reading Spanish, ever since I started studying it in high school, and I’ve read it regularly for years. But, like my experience with English, that can lead to some odd (and my coworkers sometimes think hilarious) pronunciations of words. 

 

I will say this. 97% of what I love about my job involves the ability to learn and the requirement to use Spanish. 

[Sciread77]

Oh. Doctor update. Turns out I’ve had a sinus infection since we hit LA and I’ve a double ear infection that sprouted from that. So I’m on antibiotics and steroids now. If I seem weird, strung out, or confusing, that’s the reason. They strongly recommended the steroids since it’s been an out of control infection for so long and I don’t mentally get along well with them. I have trouble sleeping on them (or don’t sleep at all) so it tends to screw with my moods. In fact, I don’t think I’ve been on oral or injected steroids since before I met Jessie. I have a better system in place now for managing things but it’s not tested against this. So apologies largely in advance for the crazytown.  

[Snarkyfishguts]

1 hour ago, Sciread77 said:

Oh. Doctor update. Turns out I’ve had a sinus infection since we hit LA and I’ve a double ear infection that sprouted from that. So I’m on antibiotics and steroids now. If I seem weird, strung out, or confusing, that’s the reason. They strongly recommended the steroids since it’s been an out of control infection for so long and I don’t mentally get along well with them. I have trouble sleeping on them (or don’t sleep at all) so it tends to screw with my moods. In fact, I don’t think I’ve been on oral or injected steroids since before I met Jessie. I have a better system in place now for managing things but it’s not tested against this. So apologies largely in advance for the crazytown.  

I actually feel really good on steroids. Isn't that funny? But my skin clears up, I feel amazing. I sleep really well, and I can eat a pound of M&Ms and lose ten pounds. I really hope that maybe they've altered them enough that you feel amazing too! Or frankly, maybe you're so sick that you'll feel very few side effects until the end. :/  Either way, you are one sick dude, and I'm glad you're getting better!

1 hour ago, Sciread77 said:

Thanks! It’s a strategy born of necessity and developed over the last few years. I’ve been partway thorough both the FSI French and FSI Spanish, and I’ve also study Russian using Spanish as part of my Duolingo strategy and it’s been remarkably helpful being forced to use Spanish to figure out a very different language with a different alphabet. 

 

I’m not as consistent with the whole thing as I want to be. Depression episodes hit and I sort of just limp through the day sometimes.  I read El Tiempo’s economics and politics section every day for work, and I read business emails and notes, and sometimes that’s it. It’s not that uncommon that I (or, for that matter, everyone on my team) barely say a word out loud all day. I’ve always been good at reading Spanish, ever since I started studying it in high school, and I’ve read it regularly for years. But, like my experience with English, that can lead to some odd (and my coworkers sometimes think hilarious) pronunciations of words. 

 

I will say this. 97% of what I love about my job involves the ability to learn and the requirement to use Spanish. 

 

I get depression episodes too. They really suck. You're doing an amazing job, buddy.

[Sciread77]

53 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

I actually feel really good on steroids. Isn't that funny? But my skin clears up, I feel amazing. I sleep really well, and I can eat a pound of M&Ms and lose ten pounds. I really hope that maybe they've altered them enough that you feel amazing too! Or frankly, maybe you're so sick that you'll feel very few side effects until the end. :/  Either way, you are one sick dude, and I'm glad you're getting better!

 

That’s so strange to me. I usually gain 8,000 lbs and it borks my moods. Maybe they’ve improved them over the years. Hopefully so!  Still had to take something to sleep, though. But I did and that’s saying something. 

 

53 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

I get depression episodes too. They really suck. You're doing an amazing job, buddy.

 

I get both manic and depressive episodes. It’s a heck of a thing. I’ve been more afraid of the manic ones but for the last several years the depressive episodes have been far worse. I’ve been actively managing it with success for about 15 years. The first five years of diagnosis were awful, as were the previous 8 years before being diagnosed. There’s a terrible stigma around it, so it isn’t common knowledge in my professional community even if it is amongst family and friends. I will say that nothing has been better for it all than Jessie. My family all has bipolar, depression, and anxiety issues and precious few actually get diagnosed and even fewer go through therapy and take meds as prescribed. Jessie and I have a normal, stable, healthy relationship in comparison to the weirdness and unhealthiness of my childhood. My family means well, but their own anxiety usually pushes me over the edge or second guesses the agency right out of me. 

 

Depression sucks. Stigmatizing people about it is worse and makes our society weaker. 

[Teros]

22 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

 I like my alone time, but when she's gone I usually feel an almost-manic, almost-panic sort of feeling.  And I felt it for years before we met.  I hate it.  

I'm extremely interested in this.

 

For disclosure, I sometimes get like this as well and it might be related to me having BPD and this sense of abandonment/loss.  While I'm an introvert and ALSO need my time to recharge and be the hell away from people, that type of mood you mention will strike me almost out of the blue and I'll get antsy.

[Sciread77]

23 minutes ago, Teros said:

I'm extremely interested in this.

 

For disclosure, I sometimes get like this as well and it might be related to me having BPD and this sense of abandonment/loss.  While I'm an introvert and ALSO need my time to recharge and be the hell away from people, that type of mood you mention will strike me almost out of the blue and I'll get antsy.

 

Let’s explore. I’ve been meaning to have a similar conversation with you in any case.  

 

Earlier this year, you mentioned BPD in one of your posts and it was, oddly enough, just before or after my doctor told me he wanted me to go into DBT and that it’d be pretty helpful. I hadn’t seen or registered BPD before in your posts, and then I read that DBT was originally developed to help treat BPD. I had extremely limited knowledge of BPD before this. A friend of mine (also diagnosed bipolar) announced on FB that it was a misdiagnosis and that the actual diagnosis was BPD. I never knew much or read into it more than “It’s similar to or can look like bipolar.”

 

Learning more about it, I found myself nodding a lot. And I started to wonder if there’s an unspoken additional diagnosis or change altogether in diagnosis? Who knows. I went to a few individual sessions but this summer, when I was planning to do the group sessions, kinda blew up when we found out we were going to ITF Nationals. So now I’ve pushed that back to Octoberish. 

 

I need, NEED, quiet time to myself to recharge. I like to read. I like to think. But on the other hand, I find I’m best when someone (usually Jessie or a friend) is relatively close by. Because when I feel alone, that’s part of what triggers my manic feelings. It’s like I have to do something. I have to be with someone. And really not a lot helps other than being with someone.

 

I used to drink when I felt this way, but all it did was make me too drunk to go anywhere and I’d drunk dial or leave drunk IM people a lot. But a bottle or more of Captain Morgan didn’t help at all. Thinking about it, my original diagnosis happened after trying to drink those feelings away (along with the stress of starting school and feeling like a failure because I couldn’t coast through engineering school and hadn’t yet learned to study, giving too much without any self care and relying strictly on faith to keep functioning, and had a few other issues to work through too). 

 

I also used to buy random train tickets to random places just to travel the train and connect with people. And I always did. It sort of helped. But it was impulsive and not always a great idea. 

 

I at least recognize it now and the decisions aren’t automated. So I avoid drinking or other mind-altering substances. But I still hate it. I still feel it. And sometimes it gets the best of me. I find myself feeling paranoid and/or unlovable. Or assuming that people don’t like me anymore. Especially convinced that Jessie will hate me or be angry with me, even though she’s doing her own thing. These days I calm down and just talk to her normally when she gets home and it’s fine. Or keep myself distracted enough that it isn’t an issue. But I’d like to know what exactly it is and more on managing it or stopping it. 

 

I also feel similar, in a way, when I’m down at work because I have a job in which I’m basically done and have nothing to do for hours a day most of the year but have to look busy else they’ll downsize the job or not let us hire replacements, which kills us during peak times. It’s a similar feeling driving me mad over being stuck with nothing or little to do when I have a bazillion things to do or that I’d like to do at home. I make basically all of our family business calls while at work anyway. 

 

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

16 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

 

That’s so strange to me. I usually gain 8,000 lbs and it borks my moods. Maybe they’ve improved them over the years. Hopefully so!  Still had to take something to sleep, though. But I did and that’s saying something. 

 I suspect I may have low grade inflammation, but I honestly dont know! Fingers crossed you have a better experience

 

16 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

I get both manic and depressive episodes. It’s a heck of a thing. I’ve been more afraid of the manic ones but for the last several years the depressive episodes have been far worse. I’ve been actively managing it with success for about 15 years. The first five years of diagnosis were awful, as were the previous 8 years before being diagnosed. There’s a terrible stigma around it, so it isn’t common knowledge in my professional community even if it is amongst family and friends. I will say that nothing has been better for it all than Jessie. My family all has bipolar, depression, and anxiety issues and precious few actually get diagnosed and even fewer go through therapy and take meds as prescribed. Jessie and I have a normal, stable, healthy relationship in comparison to the weirdness and unhealthiness of my childhood. My family means well, but their own anxiety usually pushes me over the edge or second guesses the agency right out of me. 

 

Depression sucks. Stigmatizing people about it is worse and makes our society weaker. 

it definitely makes our society weaker.  I’m so glad you broke the family tradition and are caring for yourself. That's a long journey to feeling better, you definitely worked hard for it! And I’m glad you have Jessie. She sounds like a great person to remind you that you are doing whats good for you in your care.  

[Sciread77]

1 hour ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

 I suspect I may have low grade inflammation, but I honestly dont know! Fingers crossed you have a better experience

 

Maybe I’ve got it, too. Or maybe it’s helping with the psoriasis, which causes my arthritis and is also an inflammatory disease, because two days in it hasn’t seemed to make me gain or make my appetite insatiable. If nothing else maybe this week might give me an idea of how much inflammation I’m carrying day in and day out. My plan of action to keep it from robbing me of sleep and sanity is going well, too. 

 

1 hour ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

it definitely makes our society weaker.  I’m so glad you broke the family tradition and are caring for yourself. That's a long journey to feeling better, you definitely worked hard for it! And I’m glad you have Jessie. She sounds like a great person to remind you that you are doing whats good for you in your care.  

 

Me too. It’s part of what makes it hard to be around most of my family. I’m fortunate that my little sister followed in my footsteps because we’re very close and it’s really good to have someone to talk to who has been through the crazy. We call and talk to each other for support and advice on dealing with our parents. 

 

To be fair, my dad has been pretty good about working to manage things too since the initial diagnosis with me. His mantra has been a rip-off is the old Dow Chemical motto: “Better loving through chemicals.”  My mom is more in the “I’m not my mom at all because I take meds and I don’t do these handful of things and I’m done.”  Which, minus the meds part, is ironically the exact stupid justification used in each generation. 

-I may play my kids off of each other and against my spouse, but at least I didn’t abandon them

-I may beat my kids black and blue, but at least I don’t emotionally torture them by playing them off each other and my spouse 

-I may scream, yell, and manipulate my kids but I never spank them more than three times, and never in anger

-...but at least I don’t drink 

-...but at least I don’t *fade to black*

 

I can trace this pattern back 6 or 7 generations. It dies this generation in my branch. We live dynamic lives. I’ve spent the last 17 years free from that mindset of “I fixed it I’m done” and I still have to adapt to new things or purge parts of my life I didn’t realize it affected. 

 

I’ve realized that:

-Taking meds is easy, once you’ve struggled through and found what works. But it probably won’t be the same meds and doses for life, and that it can’t be the only part of a plan. 

-Finding the right person is a tremendous part of life. But it doesn’t end there, it begins there. And it takes a lot of work. 

-Showing love and good examples to children is a never-ending battle between the better and worse parts of yourself. 

-Work, career, and money are a surprising combination of important and insignificant, and not at all linear. 

 

Looking at this post and those since the other night, I think it’s clear that the steroids are having a bit of an effect. I actually had energy when I got home last night instead of barely making it to bed and now I’m just dropping all these heavy family and emotional history posts lol. It is nice not struggling just to get through the day. I really wish I had a place to sleep during the work day when my work is done so I could be a more functional human being at home on most days. 

[Snarkyfishguts]

12 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

 

Looking at this post and those since the other night, I think it’s clear that the steroids are having a bit of an effect. I actually had energy when I got home last night instead of barely making it to bed and now I’m just dropping all these heavy family and emotional history posts lol. It is nice not struggling just to get through the day. I really wish I had a place to sleep during the work day when my work is done so I could be a more functional human being at home on most days. 

 

Sometimes you can talk about something that bugs you and it really feels better, but after a while you're just spinning your wheels in the mud. If you feel like this isn't helping, we can change the topic. Here, just in case,  I like to think about "If I had a dog or a cat, what I would name them?"

 

Like these guys. Would definitely be Buddy and Pudge if I could name them. 

 

Wow that picture turned out pretty big, eh? SO MUCH FLUFF HAS INVADED YOUR PAGE

[Sciread77]

2 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

 

Sometimes you can talk about something that bugs you and it really feels better, but after a while you're just spinning your wheels in the mud. If you feel like this isn't helping, we can change the topic. Here, just in case,  I like to think about "If I had a dog or a cat, what I would name them?"

 

Like these guys. Would definitely be Buddy and Pudge if I could name them. 

 

Wow that picture turned out pretty big, eh? SO MUCH FLUFF HAS INVADED YOUR PAGE

 

I think it has been helping, and and complements conversations I’ve had with my sister, brother-in-law, and Jessie. 

 

But I love the fluff! Names are always hard for me. And I rarely end up going with the original names I pick. All of our animals have half a dozen or more nicknames that they answer to as well, and often their official name is reserved for when they’re in trouble. Throw in the fact that our bearded dragon turned out to be a lady instead of a dude... 

 

For those two, I’m thinking Atticus and Scout. 

[Sciread77]

The goal.

[woodandbronze]

33 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

The goal.

 

Words to live by...

[Sciread77]

8 minutes ago, woodandbronze said:

 

Words to live by...

 

It's why I place more trust more in science and am skeptical of most faith and religion.  Anytime someone claims to have all the answers, it shoots off red flags.  Personally, having the answers doesn't appeal to me as much as pursuing the answers now that I've hit adulthood.  It's the journey and the process that really gets me going. Because we're all going through that, if we're being honest with ourselves.

[woodandbronze]

29 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

 

It's why I place more trust more in science and am skeptical of most faith and religion.  Anytime someone claims to have all the answers, it shoots off red flags.  Personally, having the answers doesn't appeal to me as much as pursuing the answers now that I've hit adulthood.  It's the journey and the process that really gets me going. Because we're all going through that, if we're being honest with ourselves.

 

I hear you, but I've known too many people who think science is the be-and-end-all. I like a balance, and that's what I like about Buddhism. Having been raised Catholic, I appreciate that Buddhism doesn't ask you to believe anything you haven't experienced yourself.

[Sciread77]

Just now, woodandbronze said:

 

I hear you, but I've known too many people who think science is the be-and-end-all. I like a balance, and that's what I like about Buddhism. Having been raised Catholic, I appreciate that Buddhism doesn't ask you to believe anything you haven't experienced yourself.

 

Science can't be the end-all, be-all for a lot of reasons.  I think that, as far as our general knowledge base of the goes, it represents the best we're collectively able to come up with at this moment in time.  The problem with relying solely on personal experience is that it negates the experience, work, and contributions of others as well as leaving us vulnerable to our own biases and preconceptions. Applied cultural-wide, it can lead to problems like misunderstanding the effects (or disbelieving in the existence of) of strutural racism, or denying climate change because an individual's area experienced a worse winter.  It isn't perfect, and paradigm shifts do occur as we learn more.  But for the physical world and getting beyond personal blind spots, I don't see anything better than applying the process to collective knowledge.

 

THAT SAID. Science is not designed to take on some pretty important things that religion/spirituality look at.  Science does not give people meaning.  It really doesn't address the spiritual/communal needs of social animals like people.  It doesn't handle ethics or most philosophy (outside of the philosophy of itself).  It wasn't made to do that, and thus it is rather silly to try to throw science into that box as well.

 

I don't believe in the supernatural, as I see no credible evidence that pushes me to actually do so..  But I believe there is something powerful about creating communities of people dedicated to helping and improving the world.  Frankly, as long as people don't go off the rails by making wild and unfounded claims that are either demonstrably false or impossible to disprove but have a negative effect on achieving what actions we know, from science, need to occur, I'm fine with it. To each their own.  I'm all for social justice, and creating a more fair and happy and productive society.  I'm all for working with anyone who wants to achieve that.  I'm all for people having spiritual experiences (mine are largely founded in wonder).  

 

My issue is when they're used for evil, or cause holes in logic making people vulnerable to scams.  I've witnessed my family fall for all kinds of alternative medicine scams (things with scientific evidence of not working or causing harm) using the exact same logic they use to justify religious beliefs, and that's a scary proposition.  It also reduces the believability of those religious beliefs since that logic clearly didn't mean anything with the alternative medicines.  See: Ear candles, homeopathy, etc.

[Sciread77]

52 minutes ago, woodandbronze said:

 

I hear you, but I've known too many people who think science is the be-and-end-all. I like a balance, and that's what I like about Buddhism. Having been raised Catholic, I appreciate that Buddhism doesn't ask you to believe anything you haven't experienced yourself.

 

Of note, when I was younger I always said if I could choose what religion to follow it would be Buddhism. I said this in the light that I thought I already knew the truth and was, in a lot of ways, disappointed in it. 

 

As an adult, it’s less about knowing the truth already and more about questioning the ultimate goals striven towards in Buddhism. I’m a big fan of quite a few of the tenants and functional applications of Buddhism. Especially since it’s generally more science-friendly without mental gymnastics.

[Teros]

22 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

Earlier this year, you mentioned BPD in one of your posts and it was, oddly enough, just before or after my doctor told me he wanted me to go into DBT and that it’d be pretty helpful. I hadn’t seen or registered BPD before in your posts, and then I read that DBT was originally developed to help treat BPD. I had extremely limited knowledge of BPD before this. A friend of mine (also diagnosed bipolar) announced on FB that it was a misdiagnosis and that the actual diagnosis was BPD. I never knew much or read into it more than “It’s similar to or can look like bipolar.”

 

Yes, I've found that it's personality vs neurochemical and that they tend to also get dual-diagnosed.

 

A big difference I've noticed is the severity and frequency of switching of emotions.  So a BI-Po will have a manic phase and a depressive phase.  I don't feel manic for like....3 days or a week. I might feel manic for an hour or two.  Or depressed for a couple hours.  When people ask me how I feel I'm honestly not sure HOW to answer that.  I mean, I felt depressed at 9am and I felt on cloud 9 around noon.  I was really pissed around 3pm and you're asking me at 5pm so... I feel...ok?

 

22 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

I need, NEED, quiet time to myself to recharge. I like to read. I like to think. But on the other hand, I find I’m best when someone (usually Jessie or a friend) is relatively close by. Because when I feel alone, that’s part of what triggers my manic feelings. It’s like I have to do something. I have to be with someone. And really not a lot helps other than being with someone.

 

Yes, this is why even though I don't have any plans; if I feel that way I'll gets so antsy that I need to just go visit JJ.  I know that people have told me to break it off with her, but she's also a support in that regard.

 

22 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

I used to drink when I felt this way, but all it did was make me too drunk to go anywhere and I’d drunk dial or leave drunk IM people a lot. But a bottle or more of Captain Morgan didn’t help at all. Thinking about it, my original diagnosis happened after trying to drink those feelings away (along with the stress of starting school and feeling like a failure because I couldn’t coast through engineering school and hadn’t yet learned to study, giving too much without any self care and relying strictly on faith to keep functioning, and had a few other issues to work through too). 

 

See if booze didn't cost as much and I didn't feel like I would lose control (part of me is terrified that if I get so drunk that I black out, that I'll seriously hurt myself or others.  I've been to dark places and if I can't control myself I don't want to make a mistake I have to deal with for the rest of my life), that's exactly what I would have done.  Instead I ended up eating and eating and eating.  Hence getting to 360 pounds at some points in my life.

 

22 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

I find myself feeling paranoid and/or unlovable. Or assuming that people don’t like me anymore. Especially convinced that Jessie will hate me or be angry with me, even though she’s doing her own thing. These days I calm down and just talk to her normally when she gets home and it’s fine. Or keep myself distracted enough that it isn’t an issue. But I’d like to know what exactly it is and more on managing it or stopping it. 

 

This sounds VERY much like me and VERY much like BPD.  Let's say I text 4 people and after an hour or two, no one has replied; my instant gut reaction is the following:

 

"Why the fuck do I bother?  I mean, am I that much of a piece of shit that no one wants to talk to me?  Why does it always feel like *I'm* the one that is going out of my way to connect with people?  People don't give a shit about me.  They're all busy and having fun or doing whatever else and here I am sulking like a fat stupid bastard.  I shouldn't even bother with making friends.  Fuck them.  Fuck all of them.  Maybe I just don't deserve to have people in my life - like what am I doing that is SO WRONG that no one wants to bother with me?"

 

It's like a tirade in my brain.  Let me know if that Dark Passenger voice resonates with you.

 

[Sciread77]

17 minutes ago, Teros said:

 

Yes, I've found that it's personality vs neurochemical and that they tend to also get dual-diagnosed.

 

That makes sense. 

 

17 minutes ago, Teros said:

A big difference I've noticed is the severity and frequency of switching of emotions.  So a BI-Po will have a manic phase and a depressive phase.  I don't feel manic for like....3 days or a week. I might feel manic for an hour or two.  Or depressed for a couple hours.  When people ask me how I feel I'm honestly not sure HOW to answer that.  I mean, I felt depressed at 9am and I felt on cloud 9 around noon.  I was really pissed around 3pm and you're asking me at 5pm so... I feel...ok?

 

For a while they also kept (what felt like) inventing new names for a type of bipolar with ever more frequent shifts in mood to try to fit what I was experiencing. I’m a lot more stable now. Mostly due to coping mechanisms and therapy. 

 

I've had demonstrable, deep, unflagging depression episodes as well as periods of months where I am unflappably happy or determined with obscene amounts of energy and virtually no need for sleep, caffeine, etc. Times when I though I was going to solve the Navier Stokes equations in three dimensions and had to tell people in the middle of the night. Life has been a lot better with the consistent help of the meds. 

 

But there still seem to be things outside of that influencing me and causing me lots of stress, and likely those things exacerbated the already-significant issues I experienced.  

 

17 minutes ago, Teros said:

 

Yes, this is why even though I don't have any plans; if I feel that way I'll gets so antsy that I need to just go visit JJ.  I know that people have told me to break it off with her, but she's also a support in that regard.

 

I get that. It’s the 100% entire reason I spent time with the new people I met in KC before meeting Jessie and her social circle. One drank like a fish and the other was a woman I now know was incredibly manipulative and used me for all kinds of things. That good part of me that would rather be naive than see the world full of cynics? She played it like a fiddle. 

 

17 minutes ago, Teros said:

 

See if booze didn't cost as much and I didn't feel like I would lose control (part of me is terrified that if I get so drunk that I black out, that I'll seriously hurt myself or others.  I've been to dark places and if I can't control myself I don't want to make a mistake I have to deal with for the rest of my life), that's exactly what I would have done.  Instead I ended up eating and eating and eating.  Hence getting to 360 pounds at some points in my life.

 

Booze, outside of the occasional social drinking I engage in now, only made things worse. It never drowned it out. It wasn’t even a bandaid on a gunshot wound. It was more like sitting down and trying to cure the gunshot wound by playing Xbox. 

 

17 minutes ago, Teros said:

 

This sounds VERY much like me and VERY much like BPD.  Let's say I text 4 people and after an hour or two, no one has replied; my instant gut reaction is the following:

 

"Why the fuck do I bother?  I mean, am I that much of a piece of shit that no one wants to talk to me?  Why does it always feel like *I'm* the one that is going out of my way to connect with people?  People don't give a shit about me.  They're all busy and having fun or doing whatever else and here I am sulking like a fat stupid bastard.  I shouldn't even bother with making friends.  Fuck them.  Fuck all of them.  Maybe I just don't deserve to have people in my life - like what am I doing that is SO WRONG that no one wants to bother with me?"

 

It's like a tirade in my brain.  Let me know if that Dark Passenger voice resonates with you.

 

 

Similar. And I find that, in analyzing it, the voice is also completely devoid of actual empathy for the people in question, totally self-involved, and wrong. It seems to teeter between “nobody appreciates anything I do and they’re all selfish pieces of garbage” to “I can’t do anything right and shouldn’t even be alive.”  I know either of those things is accurate. Normally on the first part, it’s overlooking something huge like the load and contribution of that person. On the second it’s an overdramatic reaction to doing something wrong. Jessie has said she sometimes lets more slide than she would because I’ll sometimes take negative feedback like a wounded, beaten puppy. When it’s more like, “Hey, please put the baby wipes in the agreed-upon spot so we can find them when there’s a poopsplosion.” 

 

 

[Aquarii]

17 hours ago, Teros said:

A big difference I've noticed is the severity and frequency of switching of emotions.  So a BI-Po will have a manic phase and a depressive phase.  I don't feel manic for like....3 days or a week. I might feel manic for an hour or two.  Or depressed for a couple hours.  When people ask me how I feel I'm honestly not sure HOW to answer that.  I mean, I felt depressed at 9am and I felt on cloud 9 around noon.  I was really pissed around 3pm and you're asking me at 5pm so... I feel...ok?

 

Wait...that isn't normal? This is interesting because I feel like as a female, I am told that strong, quickly changing emotions are just...a way of life? But when men experience strong, quickly changing emotions it is a disease? Like, my emotions are like Ohio's weather, you don't like it, wait five minutes. Though I feel like for me I can get a little dis-associative about it, like if my emotions are just all over the map, what is the point of acknowledging them or treating them as valid if they are just going to change? Like those people who say "you can't argue with someone's emotions" have clearly never been inside my head. 

 

 

17 hours ago, Teros said:

See if booze didn't cost as much and I didn't feel like I would lose control (part of me is terrified that if I get so drunk that I black out, that I'll seriously hurt myself or others.  I've been to dark places and if I can't control myself I don't want to make a mistake I have to deal with for the rest of my life), that's exactly what I would have done.  Instead I ended up eating and eating and eating.  Hence getting to 360 pounds at some points in my life.

 

Those were my exact fears surrounding alcohol. They were both 100% founded and 100% unfounded, depending on the environment and intent. I quickly found that if I intend to use alcohol to harm myself, that is going to happen, if I intend to use it to have a good time with friends, that is going to happen, if I intend to go crazy and just see where I end up on the other side...it is going to happen.

 

17 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

Similar. And I find that, in analyzing it, the voice is also completely devoid of actual empathy for the people in question, totally self-involved, and wrong. It seems to teeter between “nobody appreciates anything I do and they’re all selfish pieces of garbage” to “I can’t do anything right and shouldn’t even be alive.”  I know either of those things is accurate. Normally on the first part, it’s overlooking something huge like the load and contribution of that person. On the second it’s an overdramatic reaction to doing something wrong. Jessie has said she sometimes lets more slide than she would because I’ll sometimes take negative feedback like a wounded, beaten puppy. When it’s more like, “Hey, please put the baby wipes in the agreed-upon spot so we can find them when there’s a poopsplosion.” 

 

This is interesting. I feel like I will sometimes let things slide with my husband because he does something similar. A small criticism or suggestion can sometimes be received as a huge issue.