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Bean Si vs Chaos – picking up pieces


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Okay, so I went a bit AWOL for a few days. I am going to give a short recap.

 

Weds was dinner with chosen brother that moved up. ITs good to have him close and homework that was due

Strength 2 pts out of 2

Flexibility  5 pts out of 4

Life and Family 8 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 3 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 3 pts out of 2

Walking 2 pt out of 1

Fuel 9 pts out of 4

Total 31 pts out of 20

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

Thursday was full of getting people where they need to be and running errands I didn't know about for Estate. I also started to panic about homework but I got.

Strength 2 pts out of 2

Flexibility  5 pts out of 4

Life and Family 5 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 3 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 2 pts out of 2

Walking 2 pt out of 1

Fuel 6 pts out of 4

Total 25 pts out of 20

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

Friday was the services for my dad. I did not do challenge this day

 

Saturday I got back on track and spent most of my day in a holding pattern about trying to sell my dad's car. I did get challenge done, but it wasn't the best day.

Strength 2 pts out of 2

Flexibility  5 pts out of 4

Life and Family 9 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 2 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 2 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 6 pts out of 4

Total 31 pts out of 20

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

Sunday life cam crashing down and I had to pull off taking care of my mom and her house, homework due, helping chosen brother and running errands. I literally did a whole week of homework in basically one day and turned it all in with about 10 minutes to spare, but not the quality I expect from myself. As a result, Challenge was not a thing

 

Monday - back on track and back to work for the week. Did better overall, but also wore myself out. I hadn't been sleeping over the weekend so I ended up getting to bed early due to sheer exhaustion.

Strength 2 pts out of 2

Flexibility  4 pts out of 4

Life and Family 11 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 4 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 2 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 8 pts out of 4

Total 32 pts out of 20

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

Tuesday was a long day emotionally, car sale went through, got a ton of big items off the estate list (and a bigger list of things to do). Also back to Agents having activities and running around like a crazy person doing that.  Also got my dad's stuff from his office, which hurt a bit too. Challenge was half hearted, but I did suddenly start doing my morning exercises, so win?

Strength 3 pts out of 2

Flexibility  4 pts out of 4

Life and Family 8 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 2 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 2 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 7 pts out of 4

Total 31 pts out of 20

 

Thanks to everyone above for support, but like Fleaball said, please remember that my family life is complicated at best (and well, not great), so some things are not things I can do easily or if I do it then it will make things worse long run. I am sadly doing the best I can with the cards I am dealt, but some things (like being selfish, focusing on me, taking it easy) are not going to work.

 

So yeah time to get back to homework and things. I didn't do well on some homework and I need to get some homework done that isn't last minute.

Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

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Yesterday wasn't bad. The Agents went to school late, so I got to work late, but I stayed late to make up some hours.  I am still adjusting to this new job since it is a MUCH slower pace than the crappy job I left. I seriously was falling asleep watching someone else code and had to pinch the inside of my own arm to stay awake.

 

Anyway, after I had to pick up Eldest agent from an activity, then I came home, did a bit of homework and had Chosen Brother (who moved here) over for family dinner. Its great to see him since its someone who isn't an Agent, and I can vent to and he understands.  However, he left after 10 and I was on my way to bed when I realized I never finished my challenge stuff.  I am glad I did my exercises yesterday morning, so I am standing in my room doing stretches and looking for something to purge . Thankfully we had cleaned the table after dinner so I could count that and I was still able to finish all my boxes.

 

Oh and yesterday was a bad anxiety day. I got a 75% on a program that I turned in that I thought I did better than that. He said it messed up once early, but it worked right after that for the values I had, but it wasn't going to be right since the start point was off. I really need to make a point to do homework more than just the weekend, which is what happened there. I think that program I put together in about 3 hours, so I didn't test it as thoroughly as I should have.  But it made me get into this headspace of what else am I forgetting? What else am I failing at? Who else am I letting down?

 

Plus I still have a laundry list of notifications to do for my Dad's estate, and I need to get those tomatoes pulled (the little white bugs are so bad, it looks like it is snowing out there), I still have all my stuff from crap job sitting in a box in my front room to be dealt with.  I need more hours in a day, or sleep or energy or motivation.

 

I know i should be positive right now that I still did my challenge last night, but I also want to be like "I could of done more, I should have done more. I need to do more" which isn't helping.


Sorry all, this turned into a weird jumble of letting my brain run wild. Time to shut up and get Agents and I moving for school.

 

Strength 3 pts out of 2

Flexibility  4 pts out of 4

Life and Family 10 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 3 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 2 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 9 pts out of 4

Total 32 pts out of 20

 

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So I just weighed in, and I gained weight. I am at the highest I have been in over 5 years.  I am less than 5 lbs from 300 lbs. This is not helping my current brain. But I have 0 idea how to fix any of it anymore.


I really just want to give up and go back to bed and hide there until someone has some answers.

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8 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

So I just weighed in, and I gained weight. I am at the highest I have been in over 5 years.  I am less than 5 lbs from 300 lbs. This is not helping my current brain. But I have 0 idea how to fix any of it anymore.


I really just want to give up and go back to bed and hide there until someone has some answers.

Right now, I don't think you can fix it. Which isn't to say that you can never fix it, but in this moment, there are other priorities and stressors and weight loss simply isn't going to happen. Try and be mindful about what you're putting into your body, but most of your focus is needed in other places right now. 

 

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15 hours ago, Whisper said:

Right now, I don't think you can fix it. Which isn't to say that you can never fix it, but in this moment, there are other priorities and stressors and weight loss simply isn't going to happen. Try and be mindful about what you're putting into your body, but most of your focus is needed in other places right now. 

 

 

And that is what my logical brain is saying. Sadly, if I could only go with logic right now, that would be much easier. Most of it is that I am just eating when I can, and because I am not home most nights because I am dealing with estate stuff, dinner is not really being made.  And the new job and then the estate stuff, walking isn't a thing either.

 

And I know this is why the rebels are here. We talked about this last challenge maybe. Getting healthy is the goal, but sometimes that goal has to have a bunch of littler not health related goals be accomplished before we can work on that one goal.  (see logical brain makes sense. Emotional brain that was running things yesterday doesn't).

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So lets just start by saying between the weigh in and some issues with Agents, the day sucked. I also went to do estate stuff and that was... rough. Not dealing with my father being dead, but well, lets just go with "this is why my family is complicated" and I walked out of there feeling like the worst person in the world because I didn't eat dinner before 5 pm.  And about 10 new jobs I didn't plan on doing today.

 

I did try to start my homework, and had issues there. Hubby was wonderful and got the software working. So that was the one upside to the day.

 

Although the weigh in did also remind me I need to start paying attention to the "no stupid sugar" rule. That has been rather lax of late.

 

Challenge wise, I did okay.  I actually had a new "most points in a day" yesterday of 36. Which part of me wants to be proud of, but most of me is going "dude, that's a 50%. You should and can do better. You are suppose to get a 100%"  So yeah. Good day/bad day stuff

 

Strength 4 pts out of 2

Flexibility  6 pts out of 4

Life and Family 9 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 4 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 3 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 9 pts out of 4

Total 36 pts out of 20

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Sweet Bean, what is that line from The Help?

You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

 

You are. And all the things you are doing counts, in fact they count for extra credit. Don't count your efforts short. You are amazing and you are showing up and  you are making progress. Just keep doing it. One step at a time, you'll find yourself on the path again.

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21 hours ago, J3NN said:

Sweet Bean, what is that line from The Help?

You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

 

You are. And all the things you are doing counts, in fact they count for extra credit. Don't count your efforts short. You are amazing and you are showing up and  you are making progress. Just keep doing it. One step at a time, you'll find yourself on the path again.

 

Thank you J3NN. I just really feel like I am not who I want to be, and who I CAN be. and as someone who has control issues, control is not a thing. I am hoping to find the path. Right now, I am just walking blindly and hoping I am heading in the direction of "hey, lets figure out what to do now"

 

Example, I mean I looked around about 20 minutes ago and flipped out since I had one of Youngest Agents best friends and her mom drop by to drop off a "present" for us to remember my dad by. Its a wind chime and someone gave her one when her dad died (the mom) and she thought it would help us. Well, I immediately went "She is super mom so seeing cat fur balls and animal toys everywhere and gross produce on the counters won't work", so I flipped out over nothing. they were here 10 minutes, never left the entry, but still. And I still have calls to make on the estate tonight when my mom gets off.

 

I should be doing homework. but again, the digital divide kind feels silly to be concerned with right now. And its boring. And its due Weds night.

 

 

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Update on the last few days.

 

Friday, I spent a large portion of the day doing estate stuff. I did find another LARGE problem, so trying to sort out the answer for that. I did get some homework done and was feeling fairly good about it, but mostly it was running everywhere. Although Sunday was the best day I had step wise since Dad was in the hospital. Still no where near goal.  I did restart doing my exercises in the morning which felt good.

 

Strength 3 pts out of 2

Flexibility  6 pts out of 4

Life and Family 9 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 3 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 2 pts out of 2

Walking 2 pt out of 1

Fuel 9 pts out of 4

Total 34 pts out of 20

 

Saturday was busy, mostly doing running and trying to get a ton of homework done. I actually had my program completed a day early which has not happened yet this semester.  Challenge wise wasn't as good, but it was a day and I did 3 extra exercises, (my morning 3 and then 2 in the PM). My eating was bad (I didn't eat any of the things I should have, but I stayed out of the sugar).

 

Strength 5 pts out of 2

Flexibility  7 pts out of 4

Life and Family 8 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 3 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 2 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 5 pts out of 4

Total 31 pts out of 20

 

Sunday was a bit chaotic. Nothing went right and combined with not sleeping Saturday night because weird dreams I was ready for bed by about 6 pm. I did get all my boxes, but it wasn't easy. I was actually in my pjs about to crawl into bed and remembered I didn't do my exercises or stretches. I did 5 of the exercises (instead of the 10 or 20) and my stretches and I did it all poorly, but I did it. I kinda feel like I technically did it, but it wasn't the spirit of it.

 

Strength 2 pts out of 2

Flexibility  5 pts out of 4

Life and Family 9 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 2 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 3 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 7 pts out of 4

Total 29 pts out of 20

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Also, I pulled the tomatoes to day (like I have been saying for how long to do) and in the true spirit of my life currently, I got stung by a ground bee. The most docile bees in the world that you can't find info on them attacking people or possible reactions. But I got stung, in the eyebrow because I was trying to pick up the bowl of tomatoes we harvested.

 

Fortunately, I am not allergic, but took an anti-histamine anyway. My eyebrow is still swollen and sore and red.

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So yesterday I ended up calling in sick and feeling guilty as hell as about it. Giant and the Agents were home due to work and school being out. I got up and was dressed for work and then I just kinda stopped. I am mad at myself for it, and I told them I had estate stuff that came up, but I am mad at myself for it. I ended up getting another 2 hours of sleep and I got quite a bit done here on the estate and at the house, including the tomatoes (Damn bee). Eyebrow is only a bit swollen.

 

I am still not sleeping well. Its mostly dream issues that wake me up over and over and when I get back to sleep it is the same stuff. Not to mention I wake up  all upset and moody. Even my nap yesterday did it. Stupid troll brain

 

One of Youngest Agent's friends and her "supermom mom" stopped by yesterday to drop off a "present" to help us remember my dad. Its a wind chime. I hit a weird panic about her coming over and seeing my house, so that got me cleaning quite a bit.

 

Challenge wise, I was home enough I actually accomplished some stuff. It feels good and bad to have the tomatoes gone, mostly because I like having fresh tomatoes and I like canning nad stuff, but the time hasn't been there. I still have most of the rest of the garden, but we do so much with tomatoes...  I will also say at some point, I did get the "urge" to do an exercise, so I did 10 incline pushups which are not on my exercise list (so they aren't counted), but I will take it.

 

Also a new high points for  the challenge at 39.  Again, my brain is going "You should be doing better than this" but I am taking it.

 

Strength 2 pts out of 2

Flexibility  4 pts out of 4

Life and Family 12 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 6 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 6 pts out of 2

Walking 1 pt out of 1

Fuel 8 pts out of 4

Total 39 pts out of 20

 

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So yesterday was okay in some levels, but it was very tiring. I had so much to do for the estate, I didn't get to my homework that is due TODAY. I am stressing over this. I did end up going to bed before 930, but I didn't get to sleep until almost 12:30.  Aside from some Agents having issues, the day went really well

 

The bigger problem is that I am starting to hit a holding pattern with the estate. I can't call the last few places because we need the credit from those places since my dad had autopay set on those for things they need (AOL anyone). Apparently they still use it for email and are paying monthly for it to a credit card. I also am waiting to hear back from a few other places about how to handle things. And my Aunt is not doing her 2 things, so that is still on my "undone" pile.

 

I need to do this homework, but again, its on the digital divide and I keep having the horrible thought of "Yes, this is a problem,but I have no solutions, and I have bigger things to worry about closer to home" which will not help at all. And I have to pass this class to graduate on time.

 

I was all proud because I started tracking food again. Not much, I only got breakfast and second breakfast, but its a start. but then I messed up. I did really well all day, until about 10:30 at night, I was laying in bed and went "I forgot my stretches"  So I didn't get all my boxes. Which bugs me more than a bit. I mean how am I suppose to fix me if I can't even remember something this simple like "Hey stretch".  Its not like I did the "hey, just don't worry about it" thing, but I actually forgot. So yea,  that has me in my head and the trolls are running lose. 

 

Strength 3 pts out of 2

Flexibility  2 pts out of 4 -- UGH, I missed this one

Life and Family 12 pts out of 5

Fight Chaos - Clean 2 pts out of 2

Fight Chaos - Purge 4 pts out of 2

Walking 2 pt out of 1

Fuel 10 pts out of 4

Total 35 pts out of 20

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Gosh AOL. Haven't heard of that in awhile. My mom wanted to pay for AOL just so she could keep hearing "You've got mail!"

 

How is the eyebrow? My friend just harvested her tomatoes and holy crap so many tomatoes lol Her plants did really well this year.

 

Keep trying Bean, it might feel like an uphill battle but at least you are still climbing.  

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