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ladyofthebog

Lady of the Bog’s Chrone Challenge

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My whole life I’ve wanted to be a wise woman. This challenge I’m going to make decisions for the chrone I hope to be someday. I’m going to be vulnerable. I’m going to share things I’m reading. I’m going to nourish and move my body. I’m going to meditate. I’m going to get deep into what really moves me.

 

Over the past challenges, I’ve found myself wrestling with the challenge format. Particularly, I’ve searched for a satisfaction beneath the goals, a way of arriving at self love that’s within and without success or productivity. I’ve checked off boxes. I’ve push and pulled, contorted myself both physically and mentally, all in an effort to just BE. This challenge, I want to stop striving while still nourishing myself and doing all the things that ultimately elevate and uplift me. This challenge is less about doing and more about nurturing and reflecting.

 

So, a big part of that is thinking about my whys. Not my big why, but getting into the byways of my whys. I am reading The Desire Map by Danielle Laporte (highly recommend her podcast, btw). The TDM offers that manifestation and goal setting needs to be flexible, that the process should feel good, and that our core desires can map out the playbook of our lives. 

 

 “When we want to feel courageous more than we want to check accomplishments off our list … When we want to feel free more than we want to please other people … When we want to feel good more than we want to look good … then we’ve got our priorities in order. Divine priorities—the kind that will steer you to the life you long for most deeply.”

Danielle Laporte

 

So, for this challenge, I’m identifying my core beliefs I want to nourish in my life and organizing my goaling around them. I’ll update on how/what I am doing in service to these desires:

 

I want to feel BALANCED

      Domains: meditation, working out, eating nourishing food

 

I want to feel CONNECTED

      Domains: community, reaching out to others, getting out there

 

I want to feel GENUINE

       Domains: communication, honesty, 

 

I want to feel SENSUAL/ALLURING

      Domains: working out, nourishing foods, adorning this body 

 

I want to feel CALM

       Domains: meditation, intentional night routines

Week 0 Update to Come

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WEEK 0

 So, if you've been following my other challenge, I've worked out (with the exception of climbed a mountain one day) every day for the past... 88 days. I feel really good in my skin. I've lost about ten pounds at this point. My diet has been touch and go for the past week or so. I've got to reckon with a sugar addiction I think I'm nursing. It's come to a head now that I've got m&ms in the house for toddler training purposes. This challenge, I want to keep moving my body. I also want to be intentional and aware of my diet. I want to focus on nourishment and how food makes me feel. Sugar makes me feel like crap. Working out and diet fall under the BALANCED category. When my body is feeling good, I feel balanced.

 

Another habit I'd like to get into is meditating. I've meditated for the past three days in a row and it feels REAL good. I'm just going to go ahead and make the goal for myself of meditating every day because I find that when I make an intention to do something daily, I'm more likely to do it? If I don't, then I give myself a pass and then another pass and then another and then it's like five weeks and I haven't done what I set out to do. I've been using the insight app for iphone. I really, highly, highly recommend it.

 

SENSUAL to come. Probably in the form of meandering thoughts and selfies, TBH.

 

I think that the hardest is undoubtedly going to be my CONNECTED category. I want more friends. period. I feel vulnerable (HEY!! GENUINE category for the win) saying this. I've got my D&D people and friends in other cities but I need some community. To this end, either going to have people over for a fire for this full moon on Friday or going to go to a sound bath healing thing on Saturday. 

 

CALM issues out from the meditation and journaling habit I've been rocking. I have a yoga journal with prompts as a gift from Christmas. I've been filling it out in the mornings and feeling good from it!

 

All for now. Peace.

Sophie

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I somehow missed the  mountain climbing-way to go!

I like your challenge format. Sometimes I find goals helpful, but it can also lead to me being dissatisfied and feeling like I am failing. The idea of identifying your core beliefs is really good

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1 hour ago, Elastigirl said:

I somehow missed the  mountain climbing-way to go!

I like your challenge format. Sometimes I find goals helpful, but it can also lead to me being dissatisfied and feeling like I am failing. The idea of identifying your core beliefs is really good

lol, well, i structured that sentence wonky about the mountain. meaning should be that i've worked out (w/ active recovery days) every day with the exception of the day i climbed a mountain. sigh. 

 

ANYWAYS. thank you! i'm finding it inspiring so far in (hello, week 0, lol) BUT yes i think structure is great and goals are part of that but i really want to break out of this productivity paradigm. 

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Week 0

work, work, work. I feel like I've been in limbo with my work lately. Now that the child is (thriving) at preschool, I've wanted to pick up some part time work. I've had a few offers and I keep on turning them down because they aren't jiving with my, admittedly, particular scheduling wants. I want to work 2 days a week. I want my job to be at work and not something I carry with me. I want that work to be part time work (not PRN, as needed). I've turned down a job as a detox nurse (am very curious about this work but it's PRN!), a school nurse position (unfortunately 4x week AFTER school, no idea until I was interviewing), and a position part time at an assisted living which sounded great until I realized I would be the only RN and would be trusting my delegation to LVNs while I wasn't there (again, fine, if I worked full time). I wonder if I am being too particular or is knowing what I want and waiting for that wise?

 

I talked to my current work (hospice on Sundays) and, bless them, they are trying to figure out whether they can hire me part time during the week. They also want me to pick up a few hours every Saturday which I agreed for a little bit but also know that it's hard on my husband who wants some time off after what seem to be always a long week. I feel a bit of guilt at the back of my chest because there is my dream job posted today (lactation nurse, outpatient, part time) but I can't seem to get a lactation RN job without lactation RN experience despite having my IBCLC (the cert you need) and having worked in maternity/newborn nursery in the past. SIGH. Thinking about this shit makes my chest hurt. 

 

ANYWAYS, all of this is to say, I'm tired of being in limbo but also feeling good that I'm figuring out the particulars of my ideal job.  Shifting my perspective to: I'm grateful that I can be choosy. I'm grateful that I have opportunities. I'm grateful that I have meaningful work. I'm grateful for all the possibilities. I am grateful. 

 

xxoo 

Sophie

 

worked out, about to meditate, foods been pretty good

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On 9/14/2019 at 4:00 AM, ladyofthebog said:

work, work, work.

 

Hi Sophie!

 

Reading your challenge, I feel a lot of what you are working on is looking after yourself. If you take just any old job, you aren't really looking out for what you need. Please be fussy! I feel there is no point in taking a job if the work or hours are just going to make you stressed or frustrated. Don't they say you should do the work you love? I would add to that and say, during the hours you love too!

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On 9/14/2019 at 9:42 PM, Mindrah said:

 

Hi Sophie!

 

Reading your challenge, I feel a lot of what you are working on is looking after yourself. If you take just any old job, you aren't really looking out for what you need. Please be fussy! I feel there is no point in taking a job if the work or hours are just going to make you stressed or frustrated. Don't they say you should do the work you love? I would add to that and say, during the hours you love too!

I like this. I think part of it is coming to my job search from a place of abundance rather than survival? Right now, I’m lucky enough that I don’t need a job to survive (though extra money would certainly make us more comfortable). I’m noticing that I get into this survival mind loop. 

 

On 9/15/2019 at 1:20 AM, darkfoxx said:

Hello and following! Great goals and I can’t wait to see where you go with them

Thank you! I’m glad to be part of the druids this go round. I think it’s a good fit. 

 

1 hour ago, GoodDoug said:

Following along. I really like the thoughtful structure of your challenge.

Hello my SC brethren! I’m glad you are here and thank you 

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Beginning Week 1: Getting Grounded

 

VISION: When I think about the life that I want to lead, it’s one that’s close to the earth, kind to myself and those around me, focused on the meaningful, and time to let loose, get funky.

 

 

 I realized while driving home from preschool today that a lot of my fears in my personal life actually relate to a greater global fear that I have that things are getting worse. This may sound silly, but I’m genuinely freaked out about climate change, income inequality, systemic racism, the destruction of the environment. I’m afraid things are going to be worse ten years from now than they are today. I’m afraid for the world my daughter’s going to live in. I think that these fears for the greater world funnel into my anxiety about my own life, my family’s life. I realize this is nuts. I also recognizing how my fears about the future et al are affecting me today is useful. I believe in recognizing fear and getting comfortable with it.

 

Am I uniquely neurotic in this fear of the future? Anybody else seeing it seep into their everyday life?

 

 When I look at my life today, I’m stupid blessed. My dad is an AA sponsor and I'm a hospice nurse for goodness sake. The kind of hardship he meets in his sponsees bring me down into the hard hull of reality when I get caught up in the branches of my own suffering. Just today he was telling me about someone he is worried about and I felt an internal crash. 

 

 I have a roof over my head, never a fear of enough to eat, loving family and friends, trees outside my windows, dirt to garden, books, love, HEALTH. I want to be able to meld action related to my fears for the future of this planet with that calm that comes with a sense of abundance. 

 

I just finished, The Fifth Sacred Thing by Starhawk. I love her. @GoodDougI think she hangs around Santa Cruz sometimes. At least, I know my best friend’s moms do permaculture work with her there.  Her work is definitely critical of Christianity but if you can get past that there is so so so much good brimming from her writing. She deals with environmental destruction/apocalyptic future terrors with a song of hope, freedom, community, and, well, permaculture. Particularly, as a healer, I appreciated her understanding of healing and of spirit. The novel offered some suggestions to the big questions I have banging around in my heart: how do we heal? how can we create create community without forfeiting our beliefs? What does community look like? How can we love and live in this planet without destroying it? What would that look like? 

 

 Here’s some of my favorite bits from The Fifth Sacred Thing:

 

”We will have victory only if we are stronger healers than they are warriors.”

 

”What do you want for yourself?” Her mother asked.

”Nothing, Mama. Not for myself.”

”Then you cannot heal. A healer must have a powerful desire for life and all that goes with it. Only then can you stand safely at the gates of death.”

 

”She finished with the words Elijah had spoke to her: What happens to the enemy who is invited to share the feast? Does the enemy not transform? Tell your enemies this: There is a place set for you at our table, if you choose to join us.”

 

The earth is a living, conscious being. In company with cultures of many different times and places, we name these things as sacred: air, fire, water, and earth. Whether we see them as the breath, energy, blood, and body of the Mother, or as the blessed gifts of a Creator, or as symbols of the interconnected systems that sustain life, we know that nothing can live without them. To call these things sacred is to say that they have a value beyond their usefulness for human ends, that they themselves become the standards by which our acts, our economics, our laws, and our purposes must be judged. No one has the right to appropriate them or profit from them at the expense of others. Any government that fails to protect them forfeits its legitimacy. All people, all living things, are part of the earth life, and so are sacred. No one of us stands higher or lower than any other. Only justice can assure balance: only ecological balance can sustain freedom. Only in freedom can that fifth sacred thing we call spirit flourish in its full diversity. To honor the sacred is to create conditions in which nourishment, sustenance, habitat, knowledge, freedom, and beauty can thrive. To honor the sacred is to make love possible. To this we dedicate our curiosity, our will, our courage, our silences, and our voices. To this we dedicate our lives.

 

I could eat this book up. 
 

Worked out every day. Had a crazy day on Sunday and didn’t meditate. Working on a new night routine. Will update soon. Thank you to all for following along. 

 

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1 hour ago, ladyofthebog said:

 I think that these fears for the greater world funnel into my anxiety about my own life, my family’s life. I realize this is nuts.

 

1 hour ago, ladyofthebog said:

Am I uniquely neurotic in this fear of the future? Anybody else seeing it seep into their everyday life?

No, I think everyone gets some form of this fear. With my age, I remember how inevitable nuclear war was. Growing up, I remember very vividly believing that I wouldn't make it to my 30th birthday... well that the planet wouldn't make it. Not to say that the fears were unfounded, nor are the fears we have now unfounded. The threat is real. But, I feel like worrying uses up precious time and energy that can be used to live life. 

I'm not saying it is easy to stop worrying, but it is possible and is a great practice. Basically, if I find myself wandering down that fear pathway, I stop, take a look around and ask, "Am I doing all I can to make myself happy? Am I doing all I can to make those lives I touch better?" Sounds like you are definitely making the lives of those around you better, so focus on that.

 

And I think it is good you can see what seem to be the roots of your fears, that is a great step!

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Thank you so much for sharing, I really enjoyed reading your latest post. The Fifth Sacred Thing sounds like a book I would like to read. Do you feel like it made you more anxious about the future reading it? Thinking about the future can be very scary as we really don't know what it may bring, at the moment it does seem like it will be disastrous so I have to keep my myself focused on what I can do and worry only about what is within my control. I also try to avoid the news as it only ever reports the horrible things in the world and never the good. I hope you find something that works for you to help with your fear of the future.  

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All, this is an uncomfortable conversation on life, death, and mortality.  I labeled it as a spoiler, and it may be for your world view.  

Spoiler

 

I find the concept of fearing global thermonuclear war, pandemic influenza,  cyber attacks against our infrastructure, the New Madrid fault snapping, etc. interesting.   My first duty in the Air Force was as an Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile (ICBM) launch control officer.  Commonly referred to as a "missileer".  I've had to stare into the abyss as a full time job.  

 

The above are low probability, high consequence events.  They are fairly survivable with moderate levels of planning and preparation, as well as location choices.  Yet they dominate people's minds.  I currently live within line of sight of Cheyenne Mountain Air Station - home of "America's Bunker".  Global thermonuclear war is not a survivable event for me in my current location.  That is not something that keeps me awake at night.  Here is why.

 

Using readily searchable statistics...  This is America centric, if you go global the numbers just get bigger.  Over 36,000 people died in traffic accidents in the US in 2018.  600,000 plus deaths to heart disease.  Obesity is a contributing factor for 100k to 400k deaths a year.  If you want to worry about something, worry about clearing your blind spots while you drive, buckling in yourself and your loved ones, and staying healthy.  Driving on I-25 with the current batch of cell phone zombies, jacked up trucks, and minivan moms can be sporting.  

 

Where I'm going with this is...  The truth is, as humans, at any given moment, we can die.  Car crash, meteorite through the roof, something in our biology just goes wrong, life doesn't need a reason and neither does death.  When you accept this, you ask if you care more about living or dying.  Once you chose to focus on life, and what you can control, death remains a fact, but less interesting or compelling.     Smile - life is a scary crazy awesome place. 

 

 

 - Murphy's Roommate

 

 

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17 hours ago, GoodDoug said:

 

No, I think everyone gets some form of this fear. With my age, I remember how inevitable nuclear war was. Growing up, I remember very vividly believing that I wouldn't make it to my 30th birthday... well that the planet wouldn't make it. Not to say that the fears were unfounded, nor are the fears we have now unfounded. The threat is real. But, I feel like worrying uses up precious time and energy that can be used to live life. 

I'm not saying it is easy to stop worrying, but it is possible and is a great practice. Basically, if I find myself wandering down that fear pathway, I stop, take a look around and ask, "Am I doing all I can to make myself happy? Am I doing all I can to make those lives I touch better?" Sounds like you are definitely making the lives of those around you better, so focus on that.

 

And I think it is good you can see what seem to be the roots of your fears, that is a great step!

 Ahh, yes, the nuclear fear! I have a degree in Russian literature and language partly because I was fascinated by the Cold War and nuclear ramp up as a kid. Yes, millanerismm kind of typifies the last century plus some change? Maybe it is part of the modern world to believe that it’s on the cusp of some big change. 

 I like that part about taking a “look around ask” because really that’s all we can do. Plug ahead and do what we can for the corner of the world we touch. And you’re right. Finding the roots of the fear is the meat of it, isn’t it? Fear and anxiety are so amorphous that catching hold and pulling our their roots to consider really helps give them form from which to approach them. 

 

13 hours ago, Mindrah said:

Thank you so much for sharing, I really enjoyed reading your latest post. The Fifth Sacred Thing sounds like a book I would like to read. Do you feel like it made you more anxious about the future reading it? Thinking about the future can be very scary as we really don't know what it may bring, at the moment it does seem like it will be disastrous so I have to keep my myself focused on what I can do and worry only about what is within my control. I also try to avoid the news as it only ever reports the horrible things in the world and never the good. I hope you find something that works for you to help with your fear of the future.  

Thank you for your thoughtful response :)

Do check it out! She’s an eco-feminist witch famous for her book, the spiral dance, which is admittedly kind of fantastic understanding of pre-civ (more accurately, pre-agricultural) goddess worshipping cultures. It’s fun reading and good for the imagination. And, anyway, I love deep history. The Fifth Sacred Thing is actually very hopeful and assuaged some of my anxiety because it offers a vision of the future that is apocalyptic but also redeemable.  

I was talking to my dad about it yesterday and he brought up the serenity prayer which seems relevant (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference). I think that undoubtedly our access to a world of news (and therefore suffering) probably has had an effect on our psyches. I was going to mention this on my week update, but I’m making it an intention to unplug from social media. That gets me.  I hear you about the news. Being a person is so complicated and yet so simple. Maybe it’s that push/pull that makes consciousness or at least drives the poetic beat that animates every one of us, I think. 

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12 hours ago, Murphy's Roommate said:

All, this is an uncomfortable conversation on life, death, and mortality.  I labeled it as a spoiler, and it may be for your world view.  

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I find the concept of fearing global thermonuclear war, pandemic influenza,  cyber attacks against our infrastructure, the New Madrid fault snapping, etc. interesting.   My first duty in the Air Force was as an Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile (ICBM) launch control officer.  Commonly referred to as a "missileer".  I've had to stare into the abyss as a full time job.  

 

The above are low probability, high consequence events.  They are fairly survivable with moderate levels of planning and preparation, as well as location choices.  Yet they dominate people's minds.  I currently live within line of sight of Cheyenne Mountain Air Station - home of "America's Bunker".  Global thermonuclear war is not a survivable event for me in my current location.  That is not something that keeps me awake at night.  Here is why.

 

Using readily searchable statistics...  This is America centric, if you go global the numbers just get bigger.  Over 36,000 people died in traffic accidents in the US in 2018.  600,000 plus deaths to heart disease.  Obesity is a contributing factor for 100k to 400k deaths a year.  If you want to worry about something, worry about clearing your blind spots while you drive, buckling in yourself and your loved ones, and staying healthy.  Driving on I-25 with the current batch of cell phone zombies, jacked up trucks, and minivan moms can be sporting.  

 

Where I'm going with this is...  The truth is, as humans, at any given moment, we can die.  Car crash, meteorite through the roof, something in our biology just goes wrong, life doesn't need a reason and neither does death.  When you accept this, you ask if you care more about living or dying.  Once you chose to focus on life, and what you can control, death remains a fact, but less interesting or compelling.     Smile - life is a scary crazy awesome place. 

 

 

 - Murphy's Roommate

 

 

 

What an interesting life you’ve lead! Remarkable. You know, I lived audaciously before I had a kid. I remember people always telling me to be careful and thinking I was foolish for the risks I took. I left university my sophomore year to go to Russia on a kind of whim? I got a job teaching English and then just went. I traveled around which was as b**** at the time given Russia’s travel restrictions on foriegners. Took the Trans-Siberian to Mongolia! Another time, I decided to hoof it off to the Miskito Coast in Honduras right after the coup to provide medical care for a few months. That was great and when I decided that I could not eat pigs because there was a wonderful pig family who lived under my little house. At night you could see the boats carrying cocaine winking in the distance. That area was f***** to begin with and the blow just f***** it more. I’ve done a million different stupid things for a young woman to do and felt relatively safe thinking, well, I’m more likely to die on the freeway.

 

 I remember working in the nursery and, no shit, my coworkers were talking about how scared they were to be at home at night without their husbands. I’ll never be that kind of woman but things changed after I had a kid and after I cared more for another’s life than my own. 

 

I even used to bring up the traffic numbers myself and still agree with it! We worry about the fantastic when we’re more likely to die some humble death. But maybe I’m not even concerned about death so much? Maybe it’s more the dull, every day suffering that freaks me out. I’m not really worried about a global collapse so much I am about yearly fires, poisoned water, and shitty living. I’ve got this anxiety now about what I’m leaving my daughter. Maybe it’s because I’m a relatively new mom that the concept of loving something and someone so much still blows me apart. I want her to live in a world that isn’t on fire. 

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Вы говорите ро Русский? Ha, Sorry, that is most of what I remember from my one year of Russian language, Я забувал всё. I can't even remember if that is the correct spelling!

 

Having a kid can totally change your perspective on fear. Things that you used to laugh at are now the things that paralyze you into inaction.

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On 9/18/2019 at 11:49 AM, ladyofthebog said:

 I’ve got this anxiety now about what I’m leaving my daughter. Maybe it’s because I’m a relatively new mom that the concept of loving something and someone so much still blows me apart. I want her to live in a world that isn’t on fire. 

 

Once again, A different perspective.

 

Wouldn't you want to be born and raised in a world where your mother was on fire with how much she loved you?  That is how your love for your daughter seems to me. 

 

Our world has always been, since the start of recorded history, a train wreck.  Examine all of recorded history, and it is humans doing violence unto other humans.  When have we not faced catastrophe?  Humanity has a miserable history, we kill each other in droves and winnows for any and all excuses.  Even before recorded history, ice cores show the climate changed.  Fossil records show species going extinct.  When has daily life not been a struggle, excluding the last 50ish years in Western Civilization?  That's right, never.  

 

As an aside, when I turned 30, my parents commented that they never expected all of us children to make it this far.  My parents deliberately placed us in dangerous, but controllable situations.  As a result, we are pretty hard to kill.  Afghanistan and Iraq, for the older siblings, and the youngest survived law school AND living near DC, so I think they were onto something!

 

The world has not changed.  What you feel is not new.  

 

Rock on, Lady of the Bog.  You face the same challenge every mother has.  And like every mother who gave her best (never knowing if it was enough) before you, you got this.  

 

 - Murphy's Roommate

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18 hours ago, Murphy's Roommate said:

 

Our world has always been, since the start of recorded history, a train wreck.  Examine all of recorded history, and it is humans doing violence unto other humans.  When have we not faced catastrophe?  Humanity has a miserable history, we kill each other in droves and winnows for any and all excuses.  Even before recorded history, ice cores show the climate changed.  Fossil records show species going extinct.  When has daily life not been a struggle, excluding the last 50ish years in Western Civilization?  That's right, never.  

yes, variation of the george orwell boot bit, "if you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever." I'm not naive. But I'm also wise enough, seen enough birth and death, to know that's not all it is. And , to bring in the ole' Tolkien into it, "there's some good in this world and it's worth fighting for" because otherwise we're just hucksters hiding behind some terrible combination of shame, ego, and pain. The real trick, I think (have not mastered, obviously) is holding both these things at once: Life is suffering/life is beautiful.

 

Actually, less interesting to me is the whole boot vision of humanity/planet and more interesting to me is how it is ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE. I have this feeling all the time when I've just been at a death or visited someone in the throes of agony (alone, dying, suffering, combo) and it blows my mind that all that is happening when people are having dinner, having babies, honking at each other in traffic, spores are blossoming, shoots are pushing through warm earth, people are making love, others are harming each other, someone's had an epiphany, someone's heart just broke. Time is the real mind f****.

 

Also, because I can't leave well enough alone, as per the climate change thing: like, sure, life is super tenacious. Obviously, I have no worries about life on this earth keeping on until maybe our sun burns out. But really, I wonder will it be a shitty ride for some time? And ultimately, I have a great respect for this planet- am awed by the synergy of life. 

 

 

18 hours ago, Murphy's Roommate said:

The world has not changed.  What you feel is not new.  

 

Rock on, Lady of the Bog.  You face the same challenge every mother has.  And like every mother who gave her best (never knowing if it was enough) before you, you got this.  

 

Yes, you are very right! These anxieties are the stuff of being human. I think. Eerrr... again, my obsession with deep history has me wondering :D I like this part about being part of a long line of moms doing the best they can. I like this on an emotional level but also because I find that kind of thinking enjoyable. It's part of why I like history and terrible novels that span generations!! It's a pleasure of mine!

 

Thank you! I love reading your thoughts for a few reasons: 1) they help flesh out my own thoughts 2) are well reasoned 3) come off as genuine 4) are kind

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On 9/18/2019 at 1:26 PM, GoodDoug said:

Вы говорите ро Русский? Ha, Sorry, that is most of what I remember from my one year of Russian language, Я забувал всё. I can't even remember if that is the correct spelling!

 

Having a kid can totally change your perspective on fear. Things that you used to laugh at are now the things that paralyze you into inaction.

HEYYY! I feel like my Russians level one these days. I went back... gosh, four years ago? Also, too bad I'm not in SC, nothing better than blunderng through a foreign language with a friend!

 

DUDE! It does! Best thing I've ever done with myself was having this kid.

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:blink:

 

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I'm finding myself in so much of everything you've written here!

 

I love how you go deep into your (pretty deep) thoughts and the discoveries you are making. Pretty druidic display, welcome to the grove!

 

 

On 9/17/2019 at 11:22 PM, ladyofthebog said:

Am I uniquely neurotic in this fear of the future? Anybody else seeing it seep into their everyday life?

 

Others, and yourself, have already written the gist of it better than I could but no, I don't think you're unique here. As you put it, it's the matter of reconciling Life's terribleness and terrificness that confuses our insight. I may be very wrong but it looks to me like part of your job as a nurse is/was to be empathetic with the patients. In that sense, feeling for the global fate of the world is part of the way you are operating, sucking the world's sickness in. Nurses also probably develop some way to cope with it which could be useful here.

 

I think that, in a sense, we all fear for the future. Some because they can't see themselves surviving the year, some because they fear for the stability of their land, some for global climate changes. My way to deal with it is to do what I can and put whatever I can't affect in my personal risk assessment, use it to live my life (mainly choosing where I want to live to reduce risk) and not think too much about the parts I can't affect (basically, the serenity prayer - thanks for putting it here, I had completely forgotten it and it resonates quite a bit with my worldview).

 

On 9/18/2019 at 6:49 PM, ladyofthebog said:

I’ve got this anxiety now about what I’m leaving my daughter. Maybe it’s because I’m a relatively new mom that the concept of loving something and someone so much still blows me apart. I want her to live in a world that isn’t on fire. 

 

What Murphy's Roommate wrote. Also, your daughter will be strong too and have the tools required to face the challenges she's going to face. All you can do is set a suitable example and give her a suitable growing environment for her to build the tools she'll need.

 

17 hours ago, ladyofthebog said:

The real trick, I think (have not mastered, obviously) is holding both these things at once: Life is suffering/life is beautiful.

 

Very well put! I like to think of life as a movie. Let the soundtrack flow and even the moments of suffering can become life building experiences and part of the beauty of the whole picture. Thinking that we are here to make the places/times we live in better helps me draw sense out of it all.

 

 

~°~ previous conversations/thoughts ~°~

 

On 9/13/2019 at 10:00 PM, ladyofthebog said:

I wonder if I am being too particular or is knowing what I want and waiting for that wise?

 

If you have no money urgency, then thinking of what you want work to bring into your life and not go for anything but that looks like the best way to favor fulfillment in your life. Being wise is what it looks you're being to me. Of course, the more you truly need the money, the more compromises it makes sense to make. The feelings of your loved ones are also very important to take into account regarding your time, availability (both physical and mental) and the extra money.

 

On 9/13/2019 at 10:00 PM, ladyofthebog said:

but I can't seem to get a lactation RN job without lactation RN experience despite having my IBCLC (the cert you need) and having worked in maternity/newborn nursery in the past. SIGH.

 

Any idea how the lactation nurses managed to land their job and any way you could reproduce that? If you're not in a money bind right now, then you may have the time to go on a side quest and open up the required doors.

 

--- final thought ---

 

"One does not simply jump out of limbo: one has to walk all the way out of it." It's a long but pretty rewarding journey. Looks like you're doing great on it even though, as with everything in life, we sometimes go through some pretty dark times.

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56 minutes ago, Jean said:

:blink:

 

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I'm finding myself in so much of everything you've written here!

 

I love how you go deep into your (pretty deep) thoughts and the discoveries you are making. Pretty druidic display, welcome to the grove!

 

Thank you! I am similar owl creature when reading your challenge! I'm glad to be here and find people who like to go on mind tangents with me

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59 minutes ago, Jean said:

that confuses our insight. I may be very wrong but it looks to me like part of your job as a nurse is/was to be empathetic with the patients. In that sense, feeling for the global fate of the world is part of the way you are operating, sucking the world's sickness in. Nurses also probably develop some way to cope with it which could be useful here.

Man, this is good insight! Part of why I've been struggling with my job is that I work all alone. I used to work in the hospital with a unit, as a hospice nurse, I go out by myself and rarely see another nurse. I miss the comaraderie. 

 

1 hour ago, Jean said:

If you have no money urgency, then thinking of what you want work to bring into your life and not go for anything but that looks like the best way to favor fulfillment in your life. Being wise is what it looks you're being to me. Of course, the more you truly need the money, the more compromises it makes sense to make. The feelings of your loved ones are also very important to take into account regarding your time, availability (both physical and mental) and the extra money.

 

Any idea how the lactation nurses managed to land their job and any way you could reproduce that? If you're not in a money bind right now, then you may have the time to go on a side quest and open up the required doors.

 

--- final thought ---

 

"One does not simply jump out of limbo: one has to walk all the way out of it." It's a long but pretty rewarding journey. Looks like you're doing great on it even though, as with everything in life, we sometimes go through some pretty dark times.

 

Also! Yes, I think that this is the way. And, also, damn, you hit the nail on the head. I need to get myself out there! I need to hustle a bit and reconnoiter when it comes to the lactation. I have this terrible habit of hoping things will just fall into my lap at times. Not that I'm not a hard worker- it's actually something I'm most proud about myself. Put something in front of me and I can work my booty off to achieve it but it's harder when the path isn't clear and I have to make it myself. 

 

LIMBO! Yes, I have thought limbo so much over the past years... and, with my next update, it'll be clear that I'm still there a bit (though I guess aren't we all-- lol, deep thoughts!)

 

Thank you for stopping by, Jean! I love how thoughtful you are!

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Week One Recapitulation

   We went to the beach house this Friday night.  Not to sound overly dramatic but being out there reconnects me with my essential self. I really thrive on time spent quietly in nature. There's nothing like the air lighting over the Pacific. I swear it feels like manna in my lungs. 

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I want to feel BALANCED

      Domains: meditation, working out, eating nourishing food

 

Remarkably, I DID feel more balanced this week. Meditating actually DOES have a big effect on my life. It's remarkable what observing your thoughts and breath for 15 minutes will do.

 

I want to feel CONNECTED

      Domains: community, reaching out to others, getting out there

 

I did have people over for a fire on the full moon! More of that. I can be so... shy? I come off as outgoing but I'm actually just so painfully shy. Next week, I invited a friend to a yarn fest! I'm looking to get some good wool for various winter projects. 

I'm still fantasizing about having a booth at a renaissance fest. I need to get my butt in gear.

 

I want to feel GENUINE

       Domains: communication, honesty, 

 

Continual battle

 

I want to feel SENSUAL/ALLURING

      Domains: working out, nourishing foods, adorning this body 

 

I've been really noticing particularly how my love of the sensual doesn't need to be tied to consumption. This is kind of related to a wonderful conversation I had last challenge with @Thom Stépan - I think it's a great tragedy that somehow we've muddled up our innate spiritual yearning for beauty with getting and spending. This reminds me of one of a poem that always springs into my mind when I find myself getting overly caught up:

The World Is Too Much with Us

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending we lay waste our powers;

Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not. --Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathèd horn.

 

** the underlined part is the part that's always running in my mind

 

 I've always been a lover of beauty. I've always loved being in my body despite layers of distrust, guilt, and shame that got built up over the years (but hey! dismantling that sh** every darn day). It's probably what has kept me from addiction (rampant in my family tree) or other self destructive activities- I just love feeling my body and all the sensual delights that living grounded into your senses can offer. I like to feel good and working out, eating right, all of that is part of it. It's wild how sumptuous simple, delicate every day thing can be if you really start paying attention. ANYWAYS, consciously getting into my body feels--- sexy. 

 

I want to feel CALM

       Domains: meditation, intentional night routines

 

Two biggest things that have helped me stay calmer this past week: meditation and daily journaling in my silly yoga journal. I rebel against some of the more hoo-woo (yes, even me, aspiring wise, yoga woman has her limits) prompts but damn if it doesn't feel good??

 

Thank you all for following along! Will undoubtedly go on more deep thought benders on here next week, like I do... heheh

 

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Midweek Week 2:

   I realize I've mentioned this before, but it's remarkable what an effect meditating has on me. It's interesting watching myself because I definitely get a little high off of it? Something like it? I'm naturally very absorptive. I find it easy to get really immersed in an activity which has it's strong points (that flow people talk about? I jump right in!) but also can be really annoying (wayyy highly focused, drives my husband nuts when he's trying to get my attention). Anyways, I think that has probably something to do with how meditation can make me feel. Maybe it's because I've been meditating since I was a child, so I drop into that meditation/reflection zone super quick? I'm sure Buddhist teachers would have something to say about this (probably negatively, tbh, maybe another veil and all that) but it does mean that I feel incredibly refreshed after meditating. I'll take it for now. Quick google says this is because of "theta" waves. Hrrmm... well, feels good.

 

So I've kept up with the working out every darn day. I've missed two days now in the past... 102 days? Whoa. Consistency feels good. 

 

I told my work that I am looking for consistent part time hours and they added me in on Wednesdays! Felt good to go to work on Wednesday and I'm glad they are always so flexible with me. I haven't really explored why that it is but it felt good. Particularly good because my husband is "exploring options" right now at work and I don't want to start somewhere else and then have to leave them in the lurch if I move. There's a bunch of irons in the fire right now: a very famous social media network, working on self driving cars (which would be ironic because I hate the idea and my husband's one of those "tech could save the world" types and self driving cars is where we argue because, like, seriously??!!), an ad company doing r&d (?), a job in nashville (eeek), and, please let this happen, a REMOTE JOB (i would love, love this but unfortunately it's with a government contractor who isn't even sure if the job exists yet). We'll see... I'm kind of hoping we'll just stay put but I think he's chomping on the bit for different work. Again, a lot of thoughts about this but haven't had a chance to digest. Limbo. Getting comfortable with it. Flexible, even.

 

Sophie

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I was actually talking with a "micromobility" company in the city because I am passionate about getting cars (even self driving ones) off the road. I think the "last mile" problem is something that needs to be solved. I ended up not going with them because I thought it would have been stupid for me to consider driving 3.5 to 4 hours every day to work at a "last mile" company.

 

I would like a remote job, but my years of experience mean that I am only of real use to a company if I can be there in person to mentor others. I like my job now, but I can't wait until I don't _have_ to do it.

 

I get your feeling on meditation. But, if I was able to get into the meditative flow easily, I wouldn't need to practice! ;)

 

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