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Thom Stépan

Thom keeps his head right

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13 hours ago, Xena said:

Just checking in. Hope all is well.

I'll second this!  I've been thinking about ya and hope that you are getting things figured out....  

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Rough time with Bec the last couple of weeks.

Once again I am the abusive guy that doesnt respect, care for or understand her.

Now I accept that when I am really upset after being hurt for several days, or when I am running beyond my functional limits, that I get angry and shout and swear. Yes this is verbal abuse. No two ways about it. I voluntarily attended an anger management course last year, to help me understand my temper issues.

I was once again told how useless I was for not helping whilst sick and injured. Told I was stupid for doing things in a way that she didnt like. When I express an opinion, it is either ripped apart as unworkable (from her perspective even if I show proof it does work), get told I shouldnt say stuff she already knows, or that I am turning everything around on her to make her look like the bad person.

I am stuck not bring able to express myself as it will be considered one of the above things.

She has told me on several occassions not to do "dad jokes" and puns as she doesn't like or understand that style of humour. My problem is, my sense of happiness and joy in life is expressed through Dad jokes, puns and double entendrés. So too me, if I am to respect her rules I literally can not express my happiness or joy in life.

She can openly criticise anything about me that she finds fault in, and I feel because of her conditions, I can not defend or express my thoughts and feelings to her in any way, because I am abusive if I do.



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Sorry it's been so rough. You are a good person and deserve good things.

 

It's a complicated relationship for many reasons. You are a father to her children, and you care about her, despite all the problems. But you need to establish boundaries and protect yourself from her negativity toward you.

 

Many weeks ago, you wrote a post about a day when you spent some time at her house (probably to do something with the kids) but made sure that you made time for walking. The way you wrote about that seemed like a big step to me because you were protecting space for yourself. That was one way of setting boundaries.

 

You deserve to be treated with respect. Just like you deserve some time to maintain an exercise routine, or whatever else is valuable to you.

 

Do you have access to a counselor who might help you figure out how to approach this? I know money is tight, but wasn't sure if there might be free options. Another idea might be to look into books about co-parenting after a divorce/separation.

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Yeah I am working on access to a counselor.

Maintaining my boundaries with Bec has always been difficult. 95% of the time my boundaries get disregarded or treated like I am being unfair, abusive or toxic if I try to stand up for them. The whole relationship has been like that.

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On 10/19/2019 at 7:25 AM, Thom Stépan said:

Yeah I am working on access to a counselor.

Maintaining my boundaries with Bec has always been difficult. 95% of the time my boundaries get disregarded or treated like I am being unfair, abusive or toxic if I try to stand up for them. The whole relationship has been like that.

 

I think when you are in the situation, it's hard to think about what boundaries to maintain, what to do when they are disregarded etc. Counselor should definitely be able to help with that.

 

Potato salad looks awesome!

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